Dave Allen: The Immaculate Selection

BIG BAND SWING JAZZ

TEMPO OF MUSIC DOUBLES

MUSIC TEMPO REVERTS TO HALF-TIME

MUSIC CLIMAXES

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

The security in this place is getting ridiculous!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Thank you very much indeed. Good evening and welcome to the show.

And here we go again. Same old stool. Same ashtray, same dog ends.

LAUGHTER

And thank God they didn't empty that.

LAUGHTER

LAUGHTER

Oh, God! That's great!

LAUGHTER

Do you know, a lot of people write in and ask me,

and say why do I drink during the show

and is it because I need the drink to get through the show.

And I can tell you here and now actually, the reason

I drink is because it does...

Sitting here for 45 minutes, you get very hot.

There's a tremendous amount of lights

and the only reason I have the drink is basically to keep cool.

I want to make it quite clear that I'm not

reliant on alcohol in any way to get me right through...

GET AWAY FROM THAT!

LAUGHTER

We had a very famous man in Ireland once, called Daniel O'Connell.

One of Ireland's greatest wits, writers,

poets and politicians and he once said of alcohol...

INCOMPREHENSIBLE SLURRING

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Little fellow walking into a bar and standing outside is a nun

and she looks at him and she says,

"Before you enter this den of iniquity,

"think of your mother and your father!"

He said, "They're dead.

"They're dead in heaven."

She said, "Well, think of the damage

"the alcohol is going to do to your brain!"

"What? What are you talking about?

"Have you ever had a drink?"

And the nun says, "No."

He says, "Well, how the hell can you stand there talking about it

"and saying drink is going to do damage to your brain

"if you've never had it?

"I'll tell you what, I'll go in, get you a drink, bring it out,

"give it to you, you drink it.

"If you don't like it, THEN you can talk about it

"but don't talk about things you've never experienced."

"What will you have?" And the nun says, "I don't know.

"What do ladies generally drink?"

He says, "Gin." She says, "All right. I'll have a gin."

"But get it in a cup so nobody will notice."

LAUGHTER

And the fellow goes into the bar and he says, "Give us a pint of beer and a double gin in a cup."

And the fella says, "Is that bloody nun out there again?"

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Get a little drunk in St James's Park.

I don't mean you get a little drunk, I mean there was a little drunk.

And he's looking at the duckies.

"I wouldn't...I wouldn't mind having one of them ducks for my dinner.

"If-If... If I get a big stick

"and I bang one of them ducks on the...on the...on the head...

"..I'm going to take him home and eat him."

And there's one little duck sitting by himself out of the water, nodding.

HE SNORES

LAUGHTER

So the fellow gets a big stick

and he runs over to the duck and he goes...BOOM!

And the duck goes "Eeargh!"

He picks it up by the neck and tears all the feathers out of it.

Plucks it.

And just then, as he's finished plucking the bird,

he sees a park keeper walking towards him

so he throws the duck into the lake.

And the water revives the duck.

And there is this totally bald duck walking around going,

"Quack, quack, quack, quack...!"

And the park keeper comes up and he says, "What are you doing?"

He said, "I'm sit... I'm sitting here."

"I'm sitting here. looking at the duckies in the water going,

"Quackie, quackie, quackie!"

He said, "You are trying to steal one of our ducks."

"I'm not trying to steal a duckie!"

He said, "There is a bald duck in the water

"and there's all these feathers around you. Explain that."

He said, "Well, I was just sitting here having a talk with the duckie

"and he said he'd like to go for a swim

"and I said, 'OK, I'll mind your clothes.' "

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

-SLURS DRUNKENLY:

-I name this ship...

I-I name this ship...

-Just a minute, sir.

-Ssssh!

What is the... What is the name of this ship?

Hypernen... Hypernenenen.

Hypernenenenenen.

I name this ship...

Hyper...

ALL: Whoooo!

Bloody thing's gone!

At one time of my life, I was what they call a freelance reporter

and I used to spend a great deal of time in the law courts of Dublin.

Now, if you want logic,

that's the strangest place in the world to go to.

I heard a judge say to a fellow one morning,

he said, "Have you ever been up before me?"

And the fellow said, "I don't know. What time do you get up?"

LAUGHTER

I saw a counsel, a rather pompous counsel,

being taken down by the honesty of a little fellow.

The counsel said, "Are you married?"

He says, "Yes, sir."

He said, "To whom are you married?"

He says, "A woman."

And he said, "Really.

"You are actually swearing, under oath,

"that you are married to a woman?"

He said, "Yes, sir."

He said, "Incredible.

"Have you ever heard of anyone being married to a man?"

He said, "Yes, sir. My sister."

LAUGHTER

What are the charges laid against the defendant?

Parking on a double yellow line, my lord.

Parking on a double yellow line. How do you plead?

Not guilty, your honour.

All the evidence before me suggests that you ARE guilty.

And after giving this case due consideration, I so find you guilty.

And the sentence of the court upon you

is that you be taken from this place to a lawful prison

and from thence to a place of execution

and that there, on a date appointed by the court,

you be hanged by the neck until you are dead.

And may the Lord have mercy upon your soul.

-It's only a parking offence, my lord.

-What? What?

-It's only a parking offence. It's a £2 fine!

-Oh. Oh.

You will also pay a £2 fine.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

The most boring place ever to be trapped

is in a motorcar in a traffic jam going nowhere.

And what you've got to do is learn to keep yourself occupied.

I do a lot of things in motor cars when I'm sitting there.

I have actually become the most... mobile of conductors

as far as radio is concerned. I sit there and conduct the radio.

I occasionally upset the people who are around me by picking my nose.

Not really. I just drive that up there.

LAUGHTER

Actually, the thing to do is to try and attract the attention

of other people, even if you just blow the horn, it doesn't matter.

Just blow and do odd things. I do one. I go URK!

And they go...and I go...

LAUGHTER

I'll tell you...

If you get a fellow, you know how you sit,

or people sit in a traffic jam and they'll read the paper.

If you get behind one of those fellows

and they're stuck in the paper, they forget the course of time

and they're reading away, all you've got to do is blow your horn.

They think the traffic's moved on and they'll drive straight on.

LAUGHTER

As well as that, you get their attention, and go...

You've got them going then.

And they're all going...

LAUGHTER

Nothing worse than actually watching someone trying to thread a needle.

Everybody thinks they can do it better than you

and I haven't even got one.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

-Yeah?

-Tea, please.

-One tea.

LAUGHTER

LAUGHTER

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

There was a fellow talking to a fellow in Ireland and he said, "Did you go away for your holidays?"

He said, "I did. I went over to the continent with my friend, Charlie."

He said, "Who's Charlie?"

He said, "Remember that fellow I knocked over with the car?

"Broke all his legs, bits, pieces."

He said, "I took him as a kind of just a kind of...feeling.

"We went over to Paris. Went up in the Eiffel Tower."

He said, "Did Charlie go with you?" He said, "No, no.

"Charlie can't walk without his crutches."

I said, "Where did you go, then?" "We went down to Italy, Pisa,

"I went up in the Leaning Tower." "Did Charlie go with you?" "No, no.

"Charlie can't walk without his crutches.

"We went to Rome. Talked to the Pope, we did.

"Actually, he talked to us.

"He talked to Charlie." "What did he say?"

"He says, 'Charlie...'

"He didn't have an Irish accent...

"He said, 'Charlie, throw away your left crutch.'

"And Charlie threw it away." "Did he?

"What did he say, then?"

"He said, 'Charlie, throw away your right crutch.

"And Charlie threw it away." "What happened, then?"

"And the Pope says to Charlie, 'Charlie, walk!' "

"Did he walk?"

"No, he fell over. He can't walk without his crutches."

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

I don't know if you've ever noticed,

but there are times when my glass is nearly empty.

Not very often, but occasionally.

And then, I introduce some sketches

and when we come back after the sketches, by some miracle,

my glass is full again.

Well...

..my glass is very nearly empty now,

which might signify to the more observant members

of the audience that I am about to introduce some sketches.

MOUTHS

Bibble-bibble-bibble!

Rapunzel!

Rapunzel!

It is I, your prince.

Let down your hair.

SHE SCREAMS

APPLAUSE

BATH DRAINS LOUDLY

PLUG GURGLES

Haven't you finished that book yet?

"Haven't you finished that book yet?"

All you do is read. You're on night work all the week,

you only have one night off and what do you do when we get to bed? Read!

-Oh, shut up!

-Well, there are other things to do in bed.

Ha-ha! What, with you looking like that?

A month-old trifle!

Oh, very funny, aren't we?

Since we're here to sleep, perhaps you'll get up

and close that window and put that cigarette out.

You know I can't sleep with the window open. And put that light out.

God almighty!

"Put your cigarette out, turn the light off,

"can't sleep with the window open..." Can't do nothing.

GOD!

-What is it?

-It's your husband!

Quick! The cupboard!

It's been three and a half years since I worked in television.

Things have changed, I've changed.

One of the main changes

you'll probably notice, there is no ashtray.

I have given it up.

I, a heavy smoker... I used to even smoke in between smokes.

I've given it up. Totally changed.

The most extraordinary thing about giving up smoking,

to non-smokers, I'm...

I'm a convert.

I've come over. I've joined them.

They're proud of me. They say, "Good for you!

"You've given up the filthy habit! Good! Good!"

The heavy smokers who used to be my allies, I'm a traitor!

"Bloody Judas!

"You, of all people!"

But one of the good things, or one of the new things

about giving up smoking, is that I now have my sense of smell back.

I can actually get up in the morning and open the window

and breathe in and smell again...

petrol!

Carbon monoxide, dog shit...

I mean, taste...

I actually thought when I used to eat food it was the smoking,

I had no taste.

It's not the smoking, it's the food!

It's bloody tasteless!

And now, the whole thing about being a smoker is it's very

difficult in today's society because the pressures are on smokers.

Society frowns upon smokers.

There are signs everywhere. See them here?

"No smoking! Smoking is not allowed! Smoking is forbidden!"

The Americans, they're totally lunatic about it.

When I was in America, I was smoking

and a woman stopped me in the street.

She said, "You're smoking!" Like I'd exposed myself!

I said, "Yes, madam."

She said, "You have a cigarette in your mouth!"

I said, "I know. I've been smoking for years.

"That's the only way I know how."

A couple of years ago, I actually decided,

I don't think from pressure or anything else,

I decided I would give up smoking

because I have teenage children and I knew that one day,

my teenage children were going to come in, smoking.

And I didn't actually think that I could be hypocritical enough

to sit there and watch them go...

And I'm going... "Don't do that!

"Filthy habit! Give it to me!"

I decided...I would give up smoking and then I thought that

because what actually happens, if you are a smoker,

when it actually comes to giving up smoking, you're two people.

There's the person who wants to smoke and the person who doesn't.

You have a kind of Jekyll and Hyde going with you all the time.

I woke up one morning, it was 8am, and I sat there and thought,

"That's it. This is actually the day I will give up smoking."

And then I thought, "I don't really want to give it up.

"What you should actually do is cut it down.

"What you should do is actually think,

" 'You'll only smoke when you enjoy smoking.'

"You like smoking, you get a certain pleasure out of it,

"but what you should do is just take the moments that you really

"get the most enjoyment and that's the time to smoke.

"When do you enjoy smoking most?" I thought, "After a meal.

"When I've had a meal, that's when I enjoy smoking." "Fine.

"You can have 12 a day."

I'm actually sitting there, 8am, going, "Fine, 12. That's good.

"Right, 12 cigarettes.

"It's eight o'clock now,

"I won't go to bed before 12 o'clock tonight.

"That's 16 hours. 12 cigarettes.

"That's an hour and 20 minutes for every cigarette.

"And I've finished that one.

"23 minutes past eight.

"I've only got 11 cigarettes."

My wife comes in, "Good morning." "SHUT UP!"

"Why's going to drive the children?" "LET THEM WALK!"

12 o'clock noon, I have gone through nine cigarettes.

I'm a lunatic.

I'm sitting there... "Oh, my God! 12 hours!

"God! What am I doing?

"Please help me! Please help me!"

"Wait! You have some cigarettes. You've got three cigarettes left.

"That's four hours' smoking.

"You can cut them in half."

Then I'm thinking, "That'll be two dog ends.

"Two butts, I'll be throwing away more cigarettes."

"Wait, wait, wait." And I'm trying to explain to myself.

Now here I am, being a smoker since I was so big, I am now going through

the first withdrawal symptoms I have ever gone through in my life.

I explained this. "Listen, listen, wait, calm down.

"You are actually experiencing withdrawal symptoms.

"This is your first time.

"It's difficult, you know it, but you've got to persevere.

"Tomorrow, it's not going to be so difficult

"because you'll have experienced what it is today,

"so tomorrow won't be so bad.

"But you'll still have 12 cigarettes tomorrow

"and you won't need those 12 cigarettes tomorrow.

"You'll probably only need five or six, or four.

"So take those eight today and..."

SOUNDS OF DISTANT BATTLE

Before we shoot you, do you have any last requests?

-Si.

-What is it?

I would like to hear you sing a song, huh?

For me, before I die.

-Me? Sing a song?

-Yeah, sing a song.

Oh, if you insist. I might not know all the words.

Ahem.

# Granada

# I have you under my spell

# La-la-la, la-la-la

# La-la-la, la-la-la... #

GUNFIRE

-Captain Hardy, sir. Do you think the admiral will live?

-I'm not sure.

But stand by to signal any development to the fleet.

I've arranged to fire one cannon should my Lord Nelson recover,

but two shots if he should die.

Look, sir.

The Admiral's reviving. He's getting better!

ALL: Hooray!

Well done, sir! Permission to signal the good news to the fleet.

-Carry on, Hardy.

-Aye, aye, sir.

Fire one!

CANNON FIRES

Fire two and three.

Halt. We must inspect this cart.

You British fools, always you are trying to escape.

And always, we are finding you!

Always!

Yargh!

There is no way the wool you are pulling over our eyes. Open ze gate!

Two fellas at the dogs.

And they're saying, "What do you fancy for this one here?"

"I tink... I tink...

"I tink....

"Trap two. Trap two for this race."

There's a fellow behind him.

He says, "I wouldn't bet on trap two, if I were you.

"Trap five is a winner.

"Trap two is in there as a blind."

"Do you think so?" So they put the money on five.

And it goes down and two wins.

"What about the second race?" He says, "I tink one for this one."

"Right, we'll put the money on one." Your man's behind him again.

He says, "No, one is a terrible lame duck.

"He's only there as a runner. I wouldn't touch him."

"You said that the last time."

"The last time, I made a mistake, but this time, don't bet one!

"Put your money on six!"

"What do you think?" "Well, he seems to know an awful lot about it.

"We'd better put the money on six."

"He says, "Right, put the money on six," it goes down, one wins.

They go right through the card. They lose everything.

At the end of the races, "How much have you got?"

"I've got four bob." "God, I'm starving.

"Will you go and get two cheese sandwiches?"

He goes off, comes back with two ham sandwiches.

He said, "I thought you were going to get cheese."

He said, "I met that fella again."

-Morning.

-Morning.

Morning.

Morning.

ALL OTHERS: Morning.

-Morning.

-ALL OTHERS: Morning.

-Morning.

-ALL OTHERS: Morning.

-Morning.

-ALL OTHERS: Morning.

Morning. ALL OTHERS: Morning.

-Morning.

-ALL: Morning.

AUDIENCE SIGH

APPLAUSE

People are very intolerant of each other.

The most amazing thing about intolerant people

is that they are generally animal lovers.

And especially in this country, we are brought up to love animals.

Forget about people, animals.

Dogs... Dogs...

You adore them.

Forget about people, dogs!

Dogs get away with anything.

You never hear of anybody saying to a dog,

"Wipe your feet before you come in.

"Don't put your feet on the couch."

People are always talking to dogs.

You hear people, intelligent people... "My baby."

"Who's my watchy-woogie-joogie..?"

Chuckle them under the... The dog's... Hmmmm, hmmm.

Me, I'm sitting there, going, "Me, me, me, cuddle me..."

"How dare you, you swine!"

They brush them. "Mummy's going to brush you nice...

"All those little bits.

"Mummy's got a nice steak for you that she's going to chop up

"so you won't wear your teeth down."

Husband comes home, "Where's my dinner?"

"In the bloody oven, if you want to go and get it, get!"

LAUGHTER

People buy dogs little rubber bones.

Rubber bones. For a dog.

He sits there and he bites it and his teeth fly up.

And he's so thick, he's so happy to bloody do it all day.

APPLAUSE

You walk into a house, you sit down.

It's always those little terriers.

Boom, they're on your leg.

And nobody says a word. They sit there with this thing on.

And the owner of the dog will say,

"That's his way of showing you that he likes you."

LAUGHTER

I actually saw a dog having the leg of a table!

LAUGHTER

And the child said to the mother, "What's he doing, Mummy?"

And the mother said, "He's helping Mummy polish the furniture."

LAUGHTER

You actually think of it here.

If any person in this audience now...

..suddenly wished to perform the act of love

with a member of the opposite sex here.

What the hell would happen? I wouldn't mind.

LAUGHTER

But the rest of you, you'd turn around and say, "Oh, my God,

"you've never seen anything so dirty in your life!

"I went to the studios and there's somebody screwing somebody."

LAUGHTER

But if you're an Alsatian, you'd get away with it!

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

There are two subjects that are very touchy regarding the public.

Dogs is one of them.

Religion is the other.

I've just done dogs.

LAUGHTER

Here comes religion.

LAUGHTER

LAUGHTER

HE WHISTLES

HYMN MUSIC PLAYS

LAUGHTER

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

The Pope discussing the existence of God

with an out-and-out atheist starts off very correctly in discussion

and as the hours go by, it gets more and more heated

and eventually the Pope turns to the man and he said, "The mum,

"get the mum and you come here..."

LAUGHTER

"You are like a man who's totally blindfolded.

"In a dark room looking for a black cat that is not there."

The fella said, "Well, with all respect, your Holiness,

"I think there's a great similarity between us both."

He said, "What do you mean, a similarity?"

He said, "Well, as far as I'm concerned,

"YOU are like a man who is blindfolded in a totally dark room

"looking for a black cat that isn't there.

"The only difference is that you've found it."

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

But a nun gets up in the morning and leaves and walks down the corridor.

And another nun looks at her and says...

it's a difficult thing to say, "another nun."

LAUGHTER

And says, "You got out of the wrong side of the bed this morning."

And she goes on down and another nun says,

"You got out of the wrong side of the bed this morning."

And this happens 15 times and by then she's livid.

And she meets the Mother Superior.

And the Mother Superior's just about to open her mouth and the Sister says,

"Don't tell me that I got out of the wrong side of the bed this morning!"

And the mother Superior said, "I wasn't going to say that,

"I was just going to say,

" 'What are you doing with the Bishop's shoes on?' "

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

HE GASPS

HE MOANS

HE SNEEZES

LAUGHTER

HE BURPS

LAUGHTER

LAUGHTER

LAUGHTER

MORE LAUGHTER

Who the BLEEP threw that?

APPLAUSE

Any job can get you down.

It's a story about a priest who went to the doctor and said,

he said, "I'm just, I'm just up to here with the job."

He said, "I can't concentrate on the Mass,

"the confessional or the poor or the elderly. I just cannot.

"I don't know why, what it is but I've lost all interest."

And the doctor said, "Well, what you want is a change.

"You want a complete change. A breakaway.

"What you want to do is take your collar off,

"get dressed up as a layman and just go off and do things."

And the priest does.

Four weeks later, he's in the Playboy Club in London.

He is on his third Scotch.

He's won 50 quid on the table upstairs.

"Wheeee!"

And a bunny walks over to him.

With big ears...

..a little tail...

LAUGHTER

You could land a helicopter on them.

LAUGHTER

And she says, "Hello, Father O'Rourke."

"You don't know me, do you?"

She said, "Of course I know you, don't you recognise me?"

He said, "No."

She said, "I'm Sister Bridget, we go to the same doctor."

LAUGHTER

HE CHANTS A PRAYE

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

PUPPET VOICE: Gless 'e Hather, for I ha' sinned.

I had geen 'ery, 'ery wicked.

I had my way with geautiful glondes.

I ha' geen goozing and swearing and I am hery, hery sorry.

-HE SPEAKS WITH PUPPET:

-You have geen a very, very...

SPEECH DROWNED BY LAUGHTER

This represents the continuum of Anglican orthodoxy...

MAN SNORERS

..which we embrace within the litany

and indeed the liturgical Canon...

of the term ultra...

PHWEEP!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

I am...I am what you would...

what you might call a practising atheist.

LAUGHTER

I'm quite happy to be an atheist

because I think actually God likes atheists better.

We never ask him for anything.

We're not bothering him all the time to say, "Oh, God, please help me.

-"I want this..."

-LAUGHTER

And, as a practising atheist, there's certain things...

I travel around the world and, no matter where I go,

somebody called Gideon leaves me this book to read.

LAUGHTER

It's an Irish book because it said it all began at the beginning.

There are certain things that when I read the Bible,

and I do read the Bible, that I find difficult to understand.

If God has been there for ever, what was he doing before he got to us?

I mean, what was he out there doing?

Was he sitting there going, "Bibble-bibble-bibble"?

-HE YAWNS

-"I'm bored today, what will I do?"

And then suddenly from nowhere,

he suddenly decided to create a world.

"I'll make a world. Make a world, yes, that's what I'll do."

Rivers.

Seas.

Mountains.

HE POPS AND CLICKS

"Whoom!" Everything is there.

"I want a garden. I'd like a nice garden."

"Whack!" Garden of Eden.

"I hate gardening.

"Need a gardener. Ah, gardener, spit and dust..."

Adam. Boo!

And he, Adam, never once says,

"Where in the name of God did I come from?"

I mean, he's 40 years of age.

He has no child, he has no recall.

He doesn't say, "How did I get here?"

But he's quite happy. He just kind of trundles around the garden,

working away, and God is looking at him...

and he sees that Adam was happy.

LAUGHTER

"I didn't put him there to be happy.

"I'll put a stop to that."

And God, during the night, sneaks down like a thief and steals -

doesn't ask, doesn't request - steals his rib.

And from his rib he makes woman. And Adam wakes up in the morning.

He's a real thicky...

..he's lying there and he thinks... There's somebody else.

He doesn't say, "Where did you come from? How the hell did you get here?

"Where did you get those lumps?"

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

He just goes out and goes gardening.

And God comes down and has a conversation with Eve,

and tells her that she can eat of any fruit in the tree...

..in the whole garden,

with the exception of one fruit tree.

He's talking to a woman!

He actually tells her not to eat of the fruit

and then when she says, "Which tree can't I eat?"

He says, "That one over there." He points it out to her.

And when he goes and hides, and she sneaks up to the tree

and a snake comes down and has conversation. A snake.

Now, if I see a snake, I'll back off.

One starts talking, I'll crap myself.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

And the snake actually convinces her to eat the apple.

And she eats the apple.

And, when she eats the apple, she learns shame.

That's what happens when you eat apples.

She's not ashamed that she's disobeyed God,

or that she's eaten the apple.

She's ashamed of here, one part of her body, that's all.

She becomes ashamed of that area of the body. And why that area?

Why not her elbow?

Her nose?

Do you actually realise that if Eve had been ashamed of her nose,

every woman in the world would now be ashamed of your noses.

You'd all be sitting here tonight with little nose knickers on.

Men would be in night clubs watching totally naked ladies

with G-strings on their nose.

"Take them off! Oh, I saw a nose!"

And this is the book, this is the book that you'll go in to court

and place your hand upon.

And swear to tell the truth, the whole truth

and nothing but the truth.

APPLAUSE

# Amen. #

ORGAN PLAYS

HE MOUTHS

HE MOUTHS

HE MOUTHS

APPLAUSE

A very important part of the Irish way of life is death.

See, if anybody else anywhere else in the world dies,

that's the end of it, they're dead. But in Ireland, when somebody dies,

we lay them out and watch them for a couple of days.

It's called a wake.

And it's a great... It's a party, it's a send-off.

The fellow's laid out on the table and there's drinking and dancing

and all the food you can eat.

And all your friends come from all over the place

and they all stand around the wake table looking at you,

with a glass in their hands and they say, "Here's to your health."

And the terrible thing about dying over there

is you miss your own wake.

It's the best day of your life.

You've paid for everything and you can't join in.

Mind you, if you did, you'd be drinking on your own.

We have...

APPLAUSE

We have a custom, that the dying man is allowed one question

before he dies which must be answered completely truthfully.

Otherwise, the soul is damned. And you get a little fellow dying.

And he's got four sons.

Three of the biggest fellows you've ever seen in your life,

and one skinny, little, puny... nothing.

And he's lying there and he's going, "Mary, Mary, are you there, darling?

"Are you there?" She goes, "I'm here, love.

"I'm here beside you."

"I'm going. I'm going."

She says, "I know, don't hang about now."

"Mary, before I go, I'm going to ask you the question,

"tell me now,

"tell me, is that skinny little runt standing at the end of the bed...

"is he really my son?"

She says, "He is. Honest to God, he is your son."

And he goes...

And she goes, "Thank God he didn't ask about the other three."

If you ever go to see a fellow who is on his way out,

you never talk about death. You never mention it.

You get the fellows who are going to see a fellow who hasn't got long.

And the fellow says, "Don't say a word, don't mention death,

"or anything to do with death, he doesn't know.

"Don't let on. Not a word!

"Just be bright and cheerful and happy!"

They all walk into the little cottage

and go through the little door

and over to the fellow who is lying in the bed.

"Ah, Sean, you're looking great!"

"Still the life and soul of the party!"

"Won't be long before you're up and punching English tourists!"

And they spend half an hour and they talk and they chat

and it's all cheerful and jolly. They don't mention death.

And they all say, "Goodbye, now, Sean.

"See you again." And they all leave.

There's a big fellow going out the door, he's about six foot seven.

As he goes out through the little door

he cracks his head on the top and goes, "God!

"Oh, they'll never get a bloody coffin out of here!"

Dame Doris Dwight will be remembered

as one of the greatest ballerinas of all time.

And perhaps it is very fitting that she was taken from us while

achieving a double arabesque split during a performance of Swan Lake.

She will no doubt be sadly missed by us all.

ORGAN PLAYS MUSIC FROM SWAN LAKE

Well, actually, the first funeral I ever went to, and believe me,

this is true, I was six years of age.

And as they lowered the box into the ground, the priest said,

"In the name of the Father, Son and Holy Ghost."

And I, for years, used to bless myself and say,

"In the name of the Father, the Son and into the hole he goes"

And so we say farewell to Sir Humphrey Potter,

a man who gave his life to dogs.

A judge at Crufts, a creator of three new breeds of terrier

and a lifelong friend and student of the habits of our canine friends.

Let us commend his soul to the Lord.

Amen.

One final custom that we have in Ireland regarding death

and a funeral, is that only one person...

..who is buried in a graveyard can go to heaven.

Which basically means if two people are buried in the same graveyard

on the same day, the last one in has got to wait till tomorrow.

So can you imagine what would happen

if one funeral met another funeral going to the same graveyard?

MUSIC: "Funeral March" by Chopin

MUSIC SPEEDS UP

MUSIC SLOWS DOWN

APPLAUSE

Little fellow dies and goes to heaven.

And St Peter says, "Would you... Would you...

"Would you like to have a look around, um, heaven?"

And the fellow says, "Yes, I would actually."

So they are looking around heaven.

And he says, "Who are those people over there?"

He says, "They are the Muslims. They are Muslims.

"And over there we have the Jewish people. And these are Anglicans.

"And Hindus. Baptists."

He said, "Why do you have this big wall here?

He said, "Oh, um, behind the wall, you see, we have the Catholics."

"He said, why, why, why do you have the Catholics behind a wall?"

He said, "Ssh!

"They like to think that they're the only ones here!"

APPLAUSE

Good night. Thank you and may your God go with you.