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This programme contains adult humour and some strong language | 0:00:02 | 0:00:06 | |
It's 1964. The BBC, or Auntie Beeb as she was known, is 45 years old. | 0:00:06 | 0:00:10 | |
So far, she's given birth to one televisual child. | 0:00:10 | 0:00:15 | |
And on April the 20th of that year, | 0:00:15 | 0:00:17 | |
she was to find herself once again in labour. | 0:00:17 | 0:00:21 | |
Do come on, Auntie Beeb, stop making a fuss and push. | 0:00:23 | 0:00:26 | |
Ooh! | 0:00:26 | 0:00:28 | |
The child was on its way. | 0:00:28 | 0:00:30 | |
But what was it to be called? | 0:00:30 | 0:00:31 | |
We have one television channel. | 0:00:31 | 0:00:33 | |
Tonight we launch a second. | 0:00:33 | 0:00:35 | |
What on earth are we going to call it? | 0:00:35 | 0:00:38 | |
Pipes in. Pencils out. | 0:00:38 | 0:00:39 | |
I've calculated that if we do indeed have two channels, | 0:00:41 | 0:00:46 | |
then the current channel - BBC Television - | 0:00:46 | 0:00:49 | |
should be known as BBC One. | 0:00:49 | 0:00:52 | |
I've checked your calculations and they're correct. | 0:00:52 | 0:00:55 | |
If the current channel equals BBC One, | 0:00:55 | 0:00:58 | |
what does the new channel add up to? | 0:00:58 | 0:01:00 | |
X to the power of -13. | 0:01:00 | 0:01:03 | |
This new channel shall be called BBC X To The Power Of -13. | 0:01:03 | 0:01:07 | |
You've blundered in your reduction of this fraction, | 0:01:07 | 0:01:09 | |
you horrid little homosexual. | 0:01:09 | 0:01:11 | |
X to the power of -13 cancelled out is two. | 0:01:13 | 0:01:15 | |
BBC Two. | 0:01:17 | 0:01:18 | |
Can't we call it BBC Stalin? | 0:01:18 | 0:01:20 | |
Are you a communist? | 0:01:20 | 0:01:22 | |
This is the BBC - we're all communists, aren't we? | 0:01:22 | 0:01:26 | |
-ALL: -Sh. | 0:01:26 | 0:01:28 | |
So we're all agreed. BBC Two. | 0:01:28 | 0:01:31 | |
AUNTIE BEEB YELLS | 0:01:31 | 0:01:32 | |
That's better. | 0:01:32 | 0:01:34 | |
"BABY" CRIES | 0:01:34 | 0:01:36 | |
Two. | 0:01:36 | 0:01:38 | |
Cup of tea? | 0:01:38 | 0:01:39 | |
The new channel has a name. | 0:01:56 | 0:01:58 | |
All it needs now is someone to run it. | 0:01:58 | 0:02:01 | |
A king or queen. A tsar. | 0:02:01 | 0:02:04 | |
A Fuhrer. A Fat Controller. | 0:02:04 | 0:02:08 | |
There was only one man for the job and his name was Porky Peacock. | 0:02:08 | 0:02:14 | |
And Porky Peacock knew exactly what Porky Peacock wanted. | 0:02:14 | 0:02:18 | |
Long documentaries about the First World War | 0:02:18 | 0:02:21 | |
that went on for weeks and weeks | 0:02:21 | 0:02:25 | |
and weeks and weeks and weeks. | 0:02:25 | 0:02:29 | |
By the winter of 1914, | 0:02:30 | 0:02:32 | |
the war on the Western Front had reached stalemate. | 0:02:32 | 0:02:35 | |
From Switzerland to the sea, British and German forces | 0:02:35 | 0:02:39 | |
faced each other in a deadly battle of attrition that was | 0:02:39 | 0:02:42 | |
to last for the next four years, except for one day - | 0:02:42 | 0:02:47 | |
December the 25th, 1914, Christmas Day. | 0:02:47 | 0:02:51 | |
And right opposite us there's a rubbly old nunk | 0:02:51 | 0:02:55 | |
and Gerry dug in fast. | 0:02:55 | 0:02:57 | |
Come dawn of Christmas Day, up he pops as bold as brass. | 0:02:57 | 0:03:00 | |
He's standin' there, right on top of the rubbly old nunk | 0:03:00 | 0:03:04 | |
and I'm proper plabber-glasted. | 0:03:04 | 0:03:06 | |
We were stuck in the trenches with all the mud | 0:03:06 | 0:03:09 | |
and fizz-bangs going off left, right and centre. | 0:03:09 | 0:03:12 | |
It was jolly wet and noisy. | 0:03:12 | 0:03:14 | |
We hear Gerry singing this Christmas Carol, so we do now. | 0:03:14 | 0:03:18 | |
It's a good Protestant carol, so it is now. | 0:03:18 | 0:03:20 | |
These Gerries are Hanoverians, so they are now. | 0:03:20 | 0:03:23 | |
They're the people of King Billy, so they are now. | 0:03:23 | 0:03:25 | |
So we join in now, so we join in, so we do now, so we do. | 0:03:25 | 0:03:28 | |
And suddenly these shapes came over the top - | 0:03:28 | 0:03:31 | |
and they were short and brutish and wearing skirts. | 0:03:31 | 0:03:36 | |
We recognised them as Highlanders. | 0:03:36 | 0:03:38 | |
We're standin' there in no-man's-land | 0:03:38 | 0:03:42 | |
and I've shown a picture to Fritz | 0:03:42 | 0:03:45 | |
of our Martha. And his eyes have fairly popped out of his head, | 0:03:45 | 0:03:49 | |
cos she's big as a bus, our Martha. | 0:03:49 | 0:03:52 | |
She's a whacking great whale of a woman. | 0:03:52 | 0:03:55 | |
We are chatting away to these German scallywags | 0:03:55 | 0:03:58 | |
and one of them is touching me on the face and hands - | 0:03:58 | 0:04:01 | |
I don't think he'd ever seen a dusky fellow before. | 0:04:01 | 0:04:03 | |
We were so starved of the fairer sex | 0:04:04 | 0:04:07 | |
and because these Highlanders wore skirts, | 0:04:07 | 0:04:10 | |
I observed some of my men acquiring the trouser tents. | 0:04:10 | 0:04:14 | |
This I wished to discourage so I improvised a game of Fussball. | 0:04:14 | 0:04:18 | |
Out of nowhere comes a football. | 0:04:18 | 0:04:20 | |
We started playing football, so we started playing football, so we did now, so we did. | 0:04:20 | 0:04:25 | |
We got to playing the football game, right aside the rubbly old nunk. | 0:04:25 | 0:04:29 | |
It vas fundamentally like polo but without the horses. | 0:04:29 | 0:04:33 | |
And the game ended in a nil-all draw. | 0:04:33 | 0:04:35 | |
And it's one-all at full time. One-all. | 0:04:35 | 0:04:39 | |
A three-all draw. | 0:04:39 | 0:04:40 | |
Five goals apiece. | 0:04:40 | 0:04:42 | |
It ended four-all. And thus it went to penalties. | 0:04:42 | 0:04:46 | |
And the Germans won on penalties. | 0:04:46 | 0:04:49 | |
The Germans won on penalties. | 0:04:49 | 0:04:51 | |
Fritz won on penalties. | 0:04:51 | 0:04:52 | |
And the Germans, they won on penalties. | 0:04:52 | 0:04:54 | |
And we Germans won on penalties. | 0:04:54 | 0:04:57 | |
The Germans won on penalties. | 0:04:58 | 0:05:02 | |
Ground-breaking documentaries there might be, | 0:05:02 | 0:05:04 | |
but Peacock also wanted his channel that was new to have news. | 0:05:04 | 0:05:09 | |
And not just news, but news at night. | 0:05:09 | 0:05:12 | |
Nightnews. | 0:05:12 | 0:05:14 | |
Is the Government right about everything? | 0:05:15 | 0:05:17 | |
Good evening. I'm Gerald Manley Paxman. | 0:05:17 | 0:05:20 | |
Is the Government right about everything? | 0:05:20 | 0:05:22 | |
I'm joined by the Government Minister. | 0:05:22 | 0:05:24 | |
Good evening, Government Minister. | 0:05:24 | 0:05:26 | |
Good evening, Gerald Manley. | 0:05:26 | 0:05:28 | |
Is the Government right about everything? | 0:05:28 | 0:05:30 | |
Yes. | 0:05:30 | 0:05:31 | |
Are you sure? | 0:05:31 | 0:05:32 | |
Are you doubting me? | 0:05:32 | 0:05:34 | |
Not for a moment, and I do apologise if I appear to be. | 0:05:34 | 0:05:37 | |
Please continue to speak for as long as you like | 0:05:37 | 0:05:40 | |
without any interruption whatsoever. | 0:05:40 | 0:05:42 | |
The Government is right about everything because it is a good government, | 0:05:42 | 0:05:46 | |
composed of extremely intelligent, | 0:05:46 | 0:05:48 | |
high-minded and deeply moral ministers. | 0:05:48 | 0:05:50 | |
Thank you, Minister. You are the most interesting man I've ever met. | 0:05:50 | 0:05:54 | |
Time to look at tomorrow's papers. | 0:05:54 | 0:05:56 | |
The Times leads with, "The Government's right about everything." | 0:05:56 | 0:06:00 | |
The Telegraph goes for, "The Government is right about everything." | 0:06:00 | 0:06:03 | |
And this rag leads with some complete poppycock. | 0:06:03 | 0:06:08 | |
The new channel was, like its elder sibling, | 0:06:14 | 0:06:17 | |
to be funded by the licence fee. | 0:06:17 | 0:06:19 | |
Freed from the pressures of the marketplace, | 0:06:19 | 0:06:21 | |
it was to be very much BBC T double-O. BBC Too. | 0:06:21 | 0:06:26 | |
But it still wanted to compete with commercial ITV. | 0:06:28 | 0:06:32 | |
And compete it did. Dramatically. | 0:06:32 | 0:06:34 | |
Well, The Forsyte Saga was... | 0:06:34 | 0:06:37 | |
Actually, tell you the truth, | 0:06:37 | 0:06:38 | |
I don't remember a great deal about it - | 0:06:38 | 0:06:40 | |
but I was there! | 0:06:40 | 0:06:42 | |
I'd had the wonderful idea of shooting the whole thing | 0:06:42 | 0:06:46 | |
on a single camera with no editor. | 0:06:46 | 0:06:49 | |
Now, I got the idea from drinking three bottles of wine one lunchtime, at the BBC bar. | 0:06:49 | 0:06:53 | |
Television history. | 0:06:55 | 0:06:57 | |
MUSIC: Theme to "The Forsyte Saga" | 0:06:57 | 0:07:00 | |
Father. | 0:07:06 | 0:07:08 | |
Ah, Julia. | 0:07:08 | 0:07:09 | |
Come in and sit quite close to me. | 0:07:09 | 0:07:11 | |
A little closer, my dear. | 0:07:15 | 0:07:17 | |
I'm worried. You work so hard, Father. What are these? | 0:07:21 | 0:07:26 | |
Important documents for the attention of your cousin Julius, | 0:07:26 | 0:07:29 | |
who will attend to them at ten. | 0:07:29 | 0:07:31 | |
I'm attentive to his attentions to myself, Father. | 0:07:31 | 0:07:34 | |
Pay no attention. His attentions are tentative. | 0:07:34 | 0:07:37 | |
Good day, Jolyon. Ah, Cousin Julia. | 0:07:38 | 0:07:41 | |
Cousin Julius. You are well? | 0:07:41 | 0:07:43 | |
Indeed. Do you like my mop-top? | 0:07:43 | 0:07:46 | |
I do. | 0:07:46 | 0:07:47 | |
I trust I am the only man in the 1890s with such a hairdo. | 0:07:47 | 0:07:52 | |
Won't you sit down? | 0:07:52 | 0:07:53 | |
No, thank you. I won't be in shot. | 0:07:54 | 0:07:58 | |
Cousin, I've tendered these documents for your attention. | 0:07:58 | 0:08:01 | |
I beg your pardon, Cousin Jolyon. Could you repeat that? | 0:08:01 | 0:08:04 | |
SQUEAKING | 0:08:04 | 0:08:06 | |
Attend to these documents that I've tendered. | 0:08:06 | 0:08:09 | |
They relate to a trust fund which I set up for the benefit of | 0:08:09 | 0:08:13 | |
any future children you might have, | 0:08:13 | 0:08:15 | |
should you one day choose marriage. | 0:08:15 | 0:08:17 | |
Marriage? | 0:08:17 | 0:08:18 | |
SCRATCHING FOOTSTEPS APPROACH | 0:08:18 | 0:08:20 | |
SHE CLEARS THROAT | 0:08:24 | 0:08:26 | |
-May I come in? -Why, of course. | 0:08:26 | 0:08:28 | |
Oh! Worried I am. Very, very worried about everything. | 0:08:31 | 0:08:36 | |
GLASS SMASHES All I can do is worry and I fear I shall die of worrying. | 0:08:36 | 0:08:41 | |
Worry, worry, worry. Endless days and nights of worry. | 0:08:41 | 0:08:45 | |
I worry. | 0:08:45 | 0:08:46 | |
All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. | 0:08:46 | 0:08:51 | |
Peacock wanted laughter on his channel. | 0:08:51 | 0:08:53 | |
And not just laughter, but laughter from somewhere that, hitherto, | 0:08:53 | 0:08:57 | |
no-one at the BBC had ever dreamt there was laughter. | 0:08:57 | 0:09:01 | |
Somewhere full of dread, dirt and depravity. | 0:09:01 | 0:09:05 | |
The North. | 0:09:05 | 0:09:07 | |
FOGHORN BLOWS | 0:09:07 | 0:09:09 | |
Ee, Terry, what you done to me bike? | 0:09:14 | 0:09:17 | |
I've bumped into a bus and bust it, Bob. | 0:09:19 | 0:09:22 | |
I'm very sorry. You'll get your money. | 0:09:22 | 0:09:25 | |
Oh, bloomin' Nora! | 0:09:25 | 0:09:26 | |
And I'm supposed to be meeting Thelma at t'pictures in half hour. | 0:09:26 | 0:09:30 | |
Are you going to hold her hand? | 0:09:30 | 0:09:33 | |
I've only known her eight months. | 0:09:33 | 0:09:35 | |
I reckon she'd love it. | 0:09:36 | 0:09:39 | |
Ee, Terry! Wash yer mouth out wi' carbolic, why don't you? | 0:09:39 | 0:09:44 | |
Eh! | 0:09:44 | 0:09:45 | |
It was a wonderful show - absolutely super. | 0:09:48 | 0:09:50 | |
It was one of those shows | 0:09:50 | 0:09:52 | |
that was wonderful and super at the same time. | 0:09:52 | 0:09:54 | |
Absolutely wonderful and totally super. | 0:09:54 | 0:09:57 | |
Wonderful and super, perhaps, | 0:09:57 | 0:09:59 | |
but Southerners couldn't understand the Northern accents. | 0:09:59 | 0:10:02 | |
And as for Northerners, well, this was 1964 - | 0:10:02 | 0:10:06 | |
they'd only just learnt how to use a lavatory. | 0:10:06 | 0:10:10 | |
TOILET FLUSHES | 0:10:10 | 0:10:12 | |
Education was still a Northerner's dream. | 0:10:14 | 0:10:17 | |
ITV, yes. BBC Two - ee, by gum, no. | 0:10:17 | 0:10:21 | |
And this was a problem. | 0:10:21 | 0:10:24 | |
Peacock appeared more Lord Reith than Lady Gaga, | 0:10:24 | 0:10:28 | |
and this was the '60s - the generation of the baby-boomers, or Baby Gagas. | 0:10:28 | 0:10:33 | |
Young people had been invented in 1957 by Mr Elvis Presley, | 0:10:35 | 0:10:40 | |
and here we were, a decade later, | 0:10:40 | 0:10:42 | |
with only one programme for them | 0:10:42 | 0:10:44 | |
and that was Keep Still. | 0:10:44 | 0:10:46 | |
Keep Still ran for eight hours a day, every day of the week. | 0:10:46 | 0:10:50 | |
One had to sit very still. | 0:10:50 | 0:10:52 | |
If one moved at all, well... | 0:10:52 | 0:10:56 | |
CHALK SQUEAKS | 0:10:56 | 0:10:57 | |
STICK SMACKS | 0:10:57 | 0:10:59 | |
The clown was absolutely terrifying. | 0:10:59 | 0:11:02 | |
He could talk without moving his mouth. | 0:11:02 | 0:11:04 | |
-'Charlie's gonna eat your face off.' -SHE GASPS | 0:11:04 | 0:11:08 | |
Keep Still was the end for Peacock. | 0:11:08 | 0:11:10 | |
GUARD GRUNTS | 0:11:10 | 0:11:12 | |
He was booted upstairs to BBC One. | 0:11:12 | 0:11:15 | |
His replacement - David Attenborough. | 0:11:15 | 0:11:18 | |
And for Attenborough it was, | 0:11:18 | 0:11:19 | |
"Hello, good evening and, well, I'm here - let's get on with the job." | 0:11:19 | 0:11:24 | |
Out went Nightnews. In came Naughty Nightie News. | 0:11:24 | 0:11:28 | |
# Naughty Nightie News. # | 0:11:28 | 0:11:31 | |
Is corporal punishment outdated? | 0:11:31 | 0:11:35 | |
Should it be abolished in our schools? | 0:11:35 | 0:11:37 | |
Hugh Parsley. | 0:11:38 | 0:11:40 | |
Well, Joan, I believe it to be a demeaning form of punishment. | 0:11:40 | 0:11:45 | |
Sir Hubert Tuft, if I were naughty, would you cane me? | 0:11:45 | 0:11:49 | |
-I -would. | 0:11:49 | 0:11:50 | |
You have to remember it was the '60s. | 0:11:50 | 0:11:52 | |
We were all feeling frisky all the time. | 0:11:52 | 0:11:55 | |
Is sex a good thing? | 0:11:55 | 0:11:57 | |
Edward Rhys Spoon? | 0:11:58 | 0:12:00 | |
I hate sex and so does my wife. | 0:12:00 | 0:12:03 | |
It's horrible and stupid. | 0:12:03 | 0:12:05 | |
How about you, Donald Hairwave? | 0:12:05 | 0:12:07 | |
I rather like sex. | 0:12:07 | 0:12:09 | |
So do I. | 0:12:09 | 0:12:10 | |
I'd like to have sex with you. | 0:12:10 | 0:12:12 | |
So would I. | 0:12:12 | 0:12:14 | |
# Naughty Nightie News. # | 0:12:14 | 0:12:17 | |
It's the mid-'60s, and television is about to get ugly. | 0:12:17 | 0:12:21 | |
And your starter for ten - what is the theme tune to this show? | 0:12:21 | 0:12:25 | |
Gruesome College Cambridge? | 0:12:25 | 0:12:26 | |
Ba-woom. | 0:12:26 | 0:12:27 | |
# Bing-dang-dung. # | 0:12:27 | 0:12:28 | |
HE TRUMPETS THEME TO "University Challenge" | 0:12:28 | 0:12:31 | |
Very ugly. | 0:12:31 | 0:12:32 | |
Welcome to Ask The Ugly Family. | 0:12:32 | 0:12:35 | |
This week we say hello to our ugly family from Leicester... | 0:12:35 | 0:12:39 | |
-Hello. -Hello. | 0:12:39 | 0:12:41 | |
-Hello. -Hello. | 0:12:41 | 0:12:42 | |
..and, dare I say it, our even uglier family from Norfolk. | 0:12:42 | 0:12:47 | |
Hello. | 0:12:47 | 0:12:48 | |
Hello. | 0:12:48 | 0:12:49 | |
Hello. | 0:12:49 | 0:12:50 | |
Hello. | 0:12:50 | 0:12:51 | |
BBC Two wanted a slice of the ugly action. | 0:12:51 | 0:12:55 | |
Hello. I'm Professor Bill Borderline-Spectrum. | 0:12:55 | 0:13:00 | |
And I'm Dr Fiona Firmly-Spectrum. | 0:13:00 | 0:13:03 | |
Today we are going to be looking at one of the most exciting things in the world... | 0:13:03 | 0:13:07 | |
Or, as we prefer to say... | 0:13:12 | 0:13:14 | |
L-bar gamma to the mu | 0:13:14 | 0:13:17 | |
times the quantity I-delta sub-mu minus one-half G... | 0:13:17 | 0:13:21 | |
tau.W sub-mu minus one-half G, | 0:13:21 | 0:13:24 | |
prime YB sub-mu times L plus R-bar gamma to the mu | 0:13:24 | 0:13:29 | |
times the quantity I-delta sub-mu minus one half G | 0:13:29 | 0:13:34 | |
prime YB sub-mu times R. | 0:13:34 | 0:13:37 | |
HE MUTTERS INCOHERENTLY | 0:13:37 | 0:13:39 | |
# Sport, sport, I like sport | 0:13:41 | 0:13:43 | |
# Running and jumping I'm a physical sort. # | 0:13:43 | 0:13:46 | |
-Sport, sport, -I -like sport. | 0:13:46 | 0:13:49 | |
Running and jumping - I'M a physical sort. | 0:13:49 | 0:13:51 | |
But Attenborough wasn't. | 0:13:51 | 0:13:53 | |
He liked sport, sport, he liked sport - | 0:13:53 | 0:13:55 | |
but of the sitting around, drinking beer and smoking fags sort. | 0:13:55 | 0:14:00 | |
Snooker. | 0:14:01 | 0:14:03 | |
But snooker came with a problem that almost snookered BBC Two. | 0:14:03 | 0:14:07 | |
COMMENTATOR: And in goes the darkish-grey ball, | 0:14:09 | 0:14:11 | |
nicely into the centre pocket. | 0:14:11 | 0:14:13 | |
So here's the choice - the lightish grey ball into the bottom corner | 0:14:13 | 0:14:18 | |
or the darker light-grey ball into the centre. | 0:14:18 | 0:14:21 | |
Darker light-grey ball into centre. | 0:14:22 | 0:14:24 | |
Narrowly missing the lighter darker-light-grey ball. | 0:14:24 | 0:14:27 | |
For Attenborough, it couldn't carry on. | 0:14:28 | 0:14:31 | |
On July the 1st 1967, BBC Two got colourful. | 0:14:31 | 0:14:35 | |
And so did snooker. | 0:14:38 | 0:14:39 | |
JAUNTY MUSIC PLAYS | 0:14:39 | 0:14:42 | |
COMMENTATOR: Ray Spencer reacts by rubbing his upper lip. | 0:14:42 | 0:14:45 | |
What a colourful character. COMMENTATOR CHUCKLES | 0:14:45 | 0:14:47 | |
What a tremendous personality. | 0:14:49 | 0:14:52 | |
Now he's chuckled. COMMENTATOR CHUCKLES | 0:14:52 | 0:14:54 | |
Here comes the Hurricane. Will it be the yellow or the brown? | 0:14:55 | 0:14:58 | |
He's gone for them both. COMMENTATOR CHUCKLES | 0:15:00 | 0:15:02 | |
Oops. COMMENTATOR CHUCKLES | 0:15:04 | 0:15:05 | |
What's he going to do with the white? | 0:15:07 | 0:15:10 | |
Up it goes. What a super hit. | 0:15:10 | 0:15:12 | |
COMMENTATOR CHUCKLES What a great sequence of shots! | 0:15:15 | 0:15:18 | |
Colour television brought with it endless possibilities | 0:15:21 | 0:15:24 | |
for grand documentaries. | 0:15:24 | 0:15:26 | |
And there was none more grand than Jacob Bronowski's epic series... | 0:15:26 | 0:15:29 | |
I'm rather a long way away from you. | 0:15:33 | 0:15:36 | |
Now I am much closer. | 0:15:36 | 0:15:38 | |
Now you can observe with clarity the riot of beige | 0:15:38 | 0:15:43 | |
which is my jacket, shirt and tie. | 0:15:43 | 0:15:46 | |
Now I am on top of this hillock. | 0:15:46 | 0:15:49 | |
How did I get here? It's a mystery. | 0:15:49 | 0:15:52 | |
Now I am much, much closer - almost too close for comfort. | 0:15:52 | 0:15:56 | |
When one thinks of David Attenborough, | 0:15:57 | 0:16:00 | |
one thinks of animals dying. | 0:16:00 | 0:16:02 | |
-'Buffalo.' -Fuck! | 0:16:02 | 0:16:04 | |
-'Zebras.' -Oh, fuck! | 0:16:04 | 0:16:06 | |
-'Pythons.' -Fuck! | 0:16:06 | 0:16:08 | |
And Monty Pythons. | 0:16:08 | 0:16:10 | |
After three series on BBC One, | 0:16:10 | 0:16:12 | |
Attenborough brought them to his channel | 0:16:12 | 0:16:15 | |
to bear witness to their televisual death throes. | 0:16:15 | 0:16:18 | |
Hello, I'd like to buy one, please. | 0:16:18 | 0:16:21 | |
-I'm very sorry - we haven't got any. -Now look 'ere, Miss. | 0:16:21 | 0:16:24 | |
-Is this going to be a very long sketch? -Oh, yes. | 0:16:24 | 0:16:27 | |
You see, I'd already been to see the BBC Two people and I'd said, | 0:16:27 | 0:16:33 | |
"I'm not going to do any more Monty Python, | 0:16:33 | 0:16:36 | |
"and cos I'm much, much funnier than all the others | 0:16:36 | 0:16:39 | |
"and much, much more popular, you'd better cancel it." | 0:16:39 | 0:16:44 | |
And they said "John, we disagree." | 0:16:44 | 0:16:47 | |
WHEEZY LAUGH | 0:16:47 | 0:16:49 | |
Ha! I mean, the arrogance of these people! | 0:16:49 | 0:16:53 | |
-So, just how long is this sketch going to be, then? -Very long indeed. | 0:16:53 | 0:16:57 | |
And even when it's eventually ended, | 0:16:57 | 0:16:59 | |
we'll continue to reprise it throughout the rest of the show... | 0:16:59 | 0:17:02 | |
Oh, Gawd! | 0:17:02 | 0:17:03 | |
..before reviving it every decade for the next half century... | 0:17:03 | 0:17:06 | |
-Oh, Gawd! -..when it is definitely past its sell-by date. | 0:17:06 | 0:17:10 | |
-Oh, Gawd! -When it is a dead sketch. | 0:17:10 | 0:17:12 | |
-Oh, Gawd! -When it is pushing up daisies. | 0:17:12 | 0:17:15 | |
Oh, Gawd! No, sorry, I like that bit - do carry on. | 0:17:15 | 0:17:17 | |
When it has shuffled off this mortal coil. | 0:17:17 | 0:17:19 | |
Oh, that was brilliant. | 0:17:19 | 0:17:20 | |
When it has run down the curtain and joined the choir invisible! | 0:17:20 | 0:17:24 | |
I never wanted to do this in the first place. | 0:17:24 | 0:17:27 | |
I... I wanted to be... | 0:17:27 | 0:17:29 | |
a travel-show presenter! | 0:17:29 | 0:17:32 | |
It was the end of Python. | 0:17:32 | 0:17:34 | |
Palin wanted to travel the world. | 0:17:34 | 0:17:37 | |
# I'll put on linen clothing | 0:17:37 | 0:17:39 | |
# And hang around in bazaars. # | 0:17:39 | 0:17:42 | |
LOCALS: Hang around in bazaars?! | 0:17:42 | 0:17:45 | |
John Cheese-Shop-Sketch yearned for more sophisticated comedy. | 0:17:45 | 0:17:50 | |
Come here, you stupid racial stereotype. | 0:17:50 | 0:17:52 | |
I from Barcelona - I know nothing! | 0:17:52 | 0:17:55 | |
-Ah! -Sorry about that. | 0:17:56 | 0:17:59 | |
And the only female Python, Cherri Jones... | 0:17:59 | 0:18:02 | |
Ooh, I'm gonna bash your brains out. | 0:18:02 | 0:18:05 | |
..had a sex change and became a man. | 0:18:05 | 0:18:07 | |
They put these testicles where my vagina used to be, | 0:18:07 | 0:18:11 | |
and rather a small cock. | 0:18:11 | 0:18:13 | |
It's the 1970s and time for the new channel to get serious. | 0:18:17 | 0:18:23 | |
Dramatically serious. | 0:18:23 | 0:18:25 | |
About drama. | 0:18:25 | 0:18:26 | |
I remember very, very clearly that I was pissed the whole time. | 0:18:26 | 0:18:30 | |
I don't remember anything. | 0:18:30 | 0:18:32 | |
But I was there! | 0:18:33 | 0:18:35 | |
I decided to commission a high-quality classical piece | 0:18:35 | 0:18:37 | |
and for that I required the best classical actors in the country. | 0:18:37 | 0:18:40 | |
I saw Ian McKellen. He was a lovely boy but he just wasn't right. | 0:18:40 | 0:18:44 | |
And I saw Alan Rickman and he was a lovely, lovely boy | 0:18:44 | 0:18:47 | |
but he just wasn't right. | 0:18:47 | 0:18:48 | |
And I saw Derek Jacobi and I thought, | 0:18:48 | 0:18:50 | |
"What a lovely boy. Lovely, lovely, lovely boy." | 0:18:50 | 0:18:53 | |
We had this wonderful chap playing Caesar - what was his name again? | 0:18:53 | 0:18:57 | |
Lionel Lovely, Simon Super? No, no, no - Brian Blessed! | 0:18:57 | 0:19:00 | |
I was there. | 0:19:00 | 0:19:01 | |
The result of this collaboration? | 0:19:01 | 0:19:03 | |
One Clavdivs. | 0:19:03 | 0:19:05 | |
One Clavdivs. | 0:19:05 | 0:19:06 | |
One Clavdivs. | 0:19:06 | 0:19:07 | |
'Rome was fast falling into parlousness. | 0:19:18 | 0:19:22 | |
'All the men were acting their sandals off - | 0:19:22 | 0:19:26 | |
'yet still they introduced all manner of actory business.' | 0:19:26 | 0:19:31 | |
I do like your eye make-up, my dear Empress Marc Bolana. | 0:19:31 | 0:19:36 | |
It is predicted by the high priests of Jupiter that one day all girls | 0:19:36 | 0:19:40 | |
shall have make up like this in the 1970s, on Top Of The Pops. | 0:19:40 | 0:19:44 | |
It suits you merrily, merrily. | 0:19:44 | 0:19:46 | |
Father, I come to warn you of my brother, Baftus Nomination. | 0:19:46 | 0:19:51 | |
Out! I will not hear of it! | 0:19:51 | 0:19:54 | |
Baftus Nomination is a fine boy, | 0:19:54 | 0:19:56 | |
trained by Radus in all things flourishy. | 0:19:56 | 0:20:00 | |
My brother schemes behind your back. | 0:20:00 | 0:20:02 | |
He will poison you and put me to the slaughter and claim Rome as his own. | 0:20:02 | 0:20:06 | |
Oh, calm down, Actus Tremendous. | 0:20:06 | 0:20:09 | |
He is in league with my sister Whatta Scorcia! | 0:20:09 | 0:20:13 | |
Do not hate Whatta Scorcia - she is indeed your sister. | 0:20:13 | 0:20:18 | |
Go to her bed and make love to her. | 0:20:18 | 0:20:20 | |
That I shall. | 0:20:20 | 0:20:22 | |
And presently shall I tear our unborn foetus from her womb | 0:20:22 | 0:20:26 | |
and eat it in bloody fashion. | 0:20:26 | 0:20:29 | |
Ooh, he's a very odd ball. | 0:20:30 | 0:20:32 | |
There is a delegation from Palestine to see you, Caesar. | 0:20:34 | 0:20:39 | |
From a new religion called the C-C-Christians. | 0:20:39 | 0:20:43 | |
Show them in! | 0:20:43 | 0:20:44 | |
Blessed be the Brian, for he hath a loud and warming voice. | 0:20:48 | 0:20:53 | |
Yes, yes, I'm very pleased with you. I will give you lands. | 0:20:53 | 0:20:57 | |
Where is my Governor of Palestine - Pontius Pilates? | 0:20:57 | 0:21:01 | |
Ooh, yes, I'm just finishing a class. | 0:21:03 | 0:21:06 | |
Cat stretch, girls! | 0:21:06 | 0:21:08 | |
Ooh, yes. | 0:21:08 | 0:21:10 | |
Ooh, I can smell it from here. | 0:21:10 | 0:21:12 | |
He's also a very odd ball. | 0:21:12 | 0:21:14 | |
Ooh! | 0:21:14 | 0:21:15 | |
One Clavdivs was hugely popular. | 0:21:15 | 0:21:18 | |
But was that what BBC Two was really about? | 0:21:18 | 0:21:21 | |
Shouldn't BBC Two be just a bit boring? | 0:21:21 | 0:21:24 | |
Well, the BBC music department was very powerful. | 0:21:25 | 0:21:29 | |
The music industry had to take us very seriously. | 0:21:29 | 0:21:32 | |
And so when they came to us and said, | 0:21:32 | 0:21:35 | |
"Can we have a vibrant, happening, groovy show for BBC Two," | 0:21:35 | 0:21:41 | |
I said, "No. | 0:21:41 | 0:21:43 | |
"I want something dull." | 0:21:44 | 0:21:46 | |
HE MUMBLES INDISTINCTLY IN HUSHED TONES | 0:21:53 | 0:21:57 | |
My highlight was when the lead guitarist | 0:21:59 | 0:22:02 | |
of the prog-rock group Aeon | 0:22:02 | 0:22:05 | |
died on stage of boredom. | 0:22:05 | 0:22:07 | |
GUITAR RIFF PLAYS | 0:22:07 | 0:22:10 | |
And by the time the drummer had pretty much finished his solo, | 0:22:14 | 0:22:19 | |
the guitarist had completely decomposed. | 0:22:19 | 0:22:22 | |
It was one of those shows that was wonderful and super | 0:22:25 | 0:22:27 | |
at the same time. Absolutely wonderful and totally super. | 0:22:27 | 0:22:31 | |
As the '70s wore on, rumours of a culture of sexual depravity | 0:22:31 | 0:22:36 | |
at Television Centre began to circulate. | 0:22:36 | 0:22:39 | |
It was decided to tackle this potential time bomb head on, | 0:22:39 | 0:22:43 | |
on prime-time BBC Two. | 0:22:43 | 0:22:46 | |
Hello and welcome to a show which could quite easily be called Would I Lie To You?, | 0:22:46 | 0:22:51 | |
will soon to be known as Call My Bluff | 0:22:51 | 0:22:54 | |
and is currently entitled Speech Impediment. | 0:22:54 | 0:22:58 | |
And we like it that way. | 0:22:58 | 0:23:00 | |
And our first word is... | 0:23:00 | 0:23:01 | |
..paedophile. | 0:23:03 | 0:23:04 | |
Frank, what is a paedophile? | 0:23:04 | 0:23:06 | |
Well, a pae-do-pa-hilly, | 0:23:06 | 0:23:10 | |
a fruh, a fruh-fruh fruh-fruh. | 0:23:10 | 0:23:14 | |
Frank thinks it's a type of chocolate bar | 0:23:14 | 0:23:16 | |
made of nuts and fruit. Is he right, Patrick? | 0:23:16 | 0:23:19 | |
-A... -INCOHERENT POPPING | 0:23:19 | 0:23:22 | |
..toes. | 0:23:24 | 0:23:26 | |
Patrick says it's a type of instrument | 0:23:26 | 0:23:28 | |
for scraping the dead skin off your feet. Derek? | 0:23:28 | 0:23:32 | |
Pee-pa-pa-pe-pe, pee-pa-pa-pa, poh. | 0:23:32 | 0:23:34 | |
Or is it, as Derek suggests, | 0:23:34 | 0:23:36 | |
a ceremonial dress worn by German women on Maundy Thursday? | 0:23:36 | 0:23:41 | |
And the answer is... | 0:23:41 | 0:23:43 | |
Well, you're all wrong | 0:23:44 | 0:23:46 | |
because there's no such thing as a paedophile. APPLAUSE | 0:23:46 | 0:23:50 | |
Britain was changing. | 0:23:52 | 0:23:53 | |
There was strife, unemployment and nationwide grumpiness. | 0:23:53 | 0:23:57 | |
And BBC Two drama was to reflect the new puritanism. | 0:23:57 | 0:24:01 | |
I wanted to make a drama about the poor darling | 0:24:01 | 0:24:04 | |
Northern working classes, who had been thrown onto the dole | 0:24:04 | 0:24:06 | |
by Margaret Thatcher. | 0:24:06 | 0:24:08 | |
And I couldn't find a single person from Oxford or Cambridge in the BBC bar who was prepared to write it. | 0:24:08 | 0:24:13 | |
'Man Alive happened to be making a documentary at the time' | 0:24:13 | 0:24:16 | |
about how marvellous I was, er, | 0:24:16 | 0:24:17 | |
which I'd commissioned, when this chap burst into my office. | 0:24:17 | 0:24:20 | |
-SCOUSE: -All right, mate, go on, gizza job, mate. | 0:24:20 | 0:24:22 | |
I could write that drama. Go on, gizza job, mate, gizza job! | 0:24:22 | 0:24:25 | |
Were you at Oxford? Or Camb... | 0:24:25 | 0:24:28 | |
He was a funny, angry little creature. I rather liked him. | 0:24:28 | 0:24:30 | |
He was a lovely boy. | 0:24:30 | 0:24:32 | |
I'm not'n, Beryl. My life is not'n. | 0:24:36 | 0:24:40 | |
Oh, yeah, great joke, God. | 0:24:40 | 0:24:42 | |
"Here's Michael, he's not'n." | 0:24:42 | 0:24:45 | |
You've done your best, Michael. What more can you do? Not'n. | 0:24:45 | 0:24:48 | |
Me best's not'n. | 0:24:48 | 0:24:49 | |
When I'm dead, you know what me gravestone's going to say? | 0:24:49 | 0:24:53 | |
"Here lies not'n. Dust to dust, not'n to not'n." | 0:24:53 | 0:24:57 | |
And you know why, Beryl? You want to know why? | 0:24:57 | 0:25:00 | |
Don't, Michael. | 0:25:00 | 0:25:01 | |
Because I haven't got a catch phrase. | 0:25:01 | 0:25:05 | |
And without a catch phrase, | 0:25:05 | 0:25:07 | |
you're not'n in Maggie Thatcher's broken Britain. | 0:25:07 | 0:25:11 | |
What you doing, Michael? Sitting on the settee, eh? | 0:25:13 | 0:25:15 | |
I could do that. Gizza job sitting on the settee, eh? | 0:25:15 | 0:25:18 | |
Hey! Not now, Yosser. | 0:25:18 | 0:25:20 | |
Gizza job, Beryl. | 0:25:20 | 0:25:22 | |
All right, Yosser, calm down, calm down! | 0:25:22 | 0:25:25 | |
Calm down! Calm down! | 0:25:25 | 0:25:27 | |
All right, calm down! | 0:25:27 | 0:25:28 | |
-Eh! Eh! Calm down. -Calm down. -All right. | 0:25:28 | 0:25:31 | |
Boys From The Blackstuff was the right stuff for the viewer, | 0:25:31 | 0:25:35 | |
but the wrong stuff for the Conservative government. | 0:25:35 | 0:25:38 | |
It was furious. | 0:25:38 | 0:25:39 | |
Its anger was vented by a young MP called John Major. | 0:25:39 | 0:25:44 | |
The British people don't wunt programmes like this. | 0:25:44 | 0:25:47 | |
They wunt programmes without bias. | 0:25:47 | 0:25:50 | |
They wunt fairness, they wunt to say, | 0:25:50 | 0:25:52 | |
"We wunt our old BBC back, and we wunt it now". | 0:25:52 | 0:25:56 | |
It's not "wunt", you complete rhymes-with-wunt. | 0:25:56 | 0:26:00 | |
The BBC was being crucified. | 0:26:00 | 0:26:02 | |
It agreed to make a drama that would balance Boys From The Blackstuff. | 0:26:04 | 0:26:08 | |
But who would write it? | 0:26:08 | 0:26:09 | |
I could do that. Gizza job, go on. | 0:26:09 | 0:26:11 | |
MUSIC: JAUNTY RENDITION OF "Land Of Hope And Glory" | 0:26:13 | 0:26:16 | |
Hey, all right, Michael? | 0:26:18 | 0:26:20 | |
All right, Yosser? What are you doing on that thing? | 0:26:20 | 0:26:22 | |
I got on my bike and started looking for work | 0:26:22 | 0:26:25 | |
like Norman Tebbit told us to. | 0:26:25 | 0:26:26 | |
He's a top man, that Tebbit. | 0:26:26 | 0:26:28 | |
-BOTH: -Tories! Tories! Tories! Five more years! | 0:26:28 | 0:26:33 | |
Hey, have you seen Sid? | 0:26:33 | 0:26:35 | |
I have - he told me the good old Tories and Maggie Thatcher are privatising British Gas! | 0:26:35 | 0:26:41 | |
I fuckin' love the Tories. | 0:26:41 | 0:26:43 | |
I've gone and got meself some shares! | 0:26:43 | 0:26:46 | |
Gizza hob. Come 'ead, gizza hob, eh? | 0:26:50 | 0:26:53 | |
-All right, calm down! -Eh? Come 'ead, gizza hob, eh? | 0:26:53 | 0:26:56 | |
-Eh? -Eh? -Eh? | 0:26:56 | 0:26:57 | |
-Eh, eh, eh. -All right? Eh, eh, eh. | 0:26:57 | 0:27:00 | |
I think BBC Two had an ambivalence towards Mrs Thatcher. | 0:27:00 | 0:27:04 | |
Sometimes it found her frustrating | 0:27:04 | 0:27:06 | |
a-a-and sometimes quite sexy. | 0:27:06 | 0:27:08 | |
'Tonight on 40 Minutes... | 0:27:09 | 0:27:11 | |
'Margaret Thatcher - is she sexy?' | 0:27:11 | 0:27:14 | |
Good morning, John. | 0:27:14 | 0:27:15 | |
.."goose fat," and he said, "I know, madam." | 0:27:15 | 0:27:18 | |
Margaret was never the easiest person to get on with in cabinet, | 0:27:18 | 0:27:23 | |
but there was something about her. | 0:27:23 | 0:27:25 | |
We remember Geoffrey coming to see us one day, | 0:27:25 | 0:27:27 | |
with a policy that we didn't much care for. | 0:27:27 | 0:27:30 | |
And I said, "Please, Margaret." | 0:27:30 | 0:27:32 | |
And we said, "No, Geoffrey, no." | 0:27:32 | 0:27:34 | |
She was a very sexy woman - I remember going to her. | 0:27:34 | 0:27:38 | |
And we remember Nigel came to see us and he said, | 0:27:38 | 0:27:42 | |
"You must, Prime Minister, I insist." | 0:27:42 | 0:27:44 | |
I was very insistent. | 0:27:44 | 0:27:46 | |
And we said, "No, Nigel, no!" | 0:27:46 | 0:27:48 | |
I said, "Margaret, please." | 0:27:48 | 0:27:51 | |
And we said "No, Geoffrey! No!" | 0:27:51 | 0:27:54 | |
I said, "Margaret, please listen." | 0:27:54 | 0:27:57 | |
And we said "No, Nigel, we will not listen!" | 0:27:57 | 0:28:00 | |
I said, "Margaret, I'm pleading with you on bended knee, you mad..." | 0:28:00 | 0:28:04 | |
"..power-crazed bint." | 0:28:04 | 0:28:06 | |
And we said, "No, Geoffrey! No!" | 0:28:06 | 0:28:09 | |
I said, "Margaret, just listen for one minute, you completely..." | 0:28:09 | 0:28:13 | |
"..deranged old boot." | 0:28:13 | 0:28:15 | |
I said, "Margaret." | 0:28:15 | 0:28:16 | |
We said, "No, Nigel, no! | 0:28:16 | 0:28:19 | |
"Bad dog, Nigel! | 0:28:19 | 0:28:21 | |
"No, no, no. You bad dog!" | 0:28:21 | 0:28:24 | |
And I found myself on all fours in front of her, | 0:28:24 | 0:28:27 | |
and she literally trampled me underfoot. | 0:28:27 | 0:28:30 | |
And we remember very clearly that Nigel was very cross. | 0:28:30 | 0:28:34 | |
It was really quite erotic. | 0:28:34 | 0:28:36 | |
But life under the Tories wasn't all doom and gloom. | 0:28:36 | 0:28:40 | |
There was also fun to be had. | 0:28:40 | 0:28:42 | |
..thinks about, talks about. You ask him what he's doing! | 0:28:42 | 0:28:44 | |
Give yourself... | 0:28:44 | 0:28:46 | |
I'd like to buy a dead parrot, please. | 0:28:48 | 0:28:51 | |
I don't want to be a shop keeper - I want to be a travel host. | 0:28:51 | 0:28:55 | |
Comedy is an incredibly serious business. | 0:28:57 | 0:29:00 | |
Anyone who tells you otherwise | 0:29:00 | 0:29:02 | |
simply isn't taking it seriously enough. | 0:29:02 | 0:29:04 | |
Rowan Atkinson's probably the most serious person who's ever been born, | 0:29:04 | 0:29:08 | |
ergo he's the funniest. | 0:29:08 | 0:29:10 | |
-Lump? Thistle? Blurt? -'I think it's fair to say that every single word that Rowan says is funny.' | 0:29:10 | 0:29:16 | |
-Hooligan? -LAUGHTER | 0:29:16 | 0:29:18 | |
-Nubble? -LAUGHTER | 0:29:18 | 0:29:21 | |
-Wastepaper basket? -LAUGHTER | 0:29:21 | 0:29:23 | |
I put Rowan together with the cleverest man in the world, Stephen Fry. | 0:29:23 | 0:29:27 | |
Stephen, of course, invented adult humour. | 0:29:27 | 0:29:29 | |
-Bum chums and willy biscuits. -LAUGHTER | 0:29:29 | 0:29:32 | |
-Ladies, wee-wees, and poo-poos. -LAUGHTER | 0:29:32 | 0:29:35 | |
-Gentlemen's diarrhoea. -LAUGHTER | 0:29:36 | 0:29:39 | |
So we did a pilot of Blackadder for BBC Two. | 0:29:39 | 0:29:42 | |
It was just dynamite. | 0:29:42 | 0:29:44 | |
Button up your botty hole, Blackadder. | 0:29:44 | 0:29:46 | |
Here comes the new king. | 0:29:46 | 0:29:48 | |
Top blimmin' hurrahs, Blackadder! | 0:29:48 | 0:29:50 | |
Congratulations on being crowned King Edward VIII, | 0:29:50 | 0:29:54 | |
King Edward VIII. | 0:29:54 | 0:29:56 | |
This is my new totty, Mrs Simpson. She's a bloomin' yank! | 0:29:56 | 0:30:01 | |
I'm gonna be Queen of England! | 0:30:01 | 0:30:03 | |
Bum-trouseringly good news, eh, Blackadder? | 0:30:03 | 0:30:08 | |
Although personally, I'd prefer Bertrand Russell's | 0:30:08 | 0:30:12 | |
bloated boil-faced brother became betrothed to your Royal Bigness. | 0:30:12 | 0:30:17 | |
Yee whizz and pooey! | 0:30:17 | 0:30:20 | |
Have you met my new prime minister, Sir Stanley Baldrick? | 0:30:20 | 0:30:24 | |
Hello, Blackadder. | 0:30:24 | 0:30:26 | |
Bloody hell. | 0:30:27 | 0:30:29 | |
Botty-boiled bastard! | 0:30:29 | 0:30:31 | |
Ah, General Disaster! | 0:30:32 | 0:30:35 | |
What news, General Disaster? | 0:30:37 | 0:30:40 | |
Bad news, I'm afraid, Lord Melchett. | 0:30:42 | 0:30:44 | |
One - I've cut my finger. | 0:30:44 | 0:30:47 | |
You bloody disaster. | 0:30:47 | 0:30:49 | |
And two - Hitler has invaded the Rhineland. | 0:30:54 | 0:30:57 | |
-Top bloody hurrahs and all that. -Ha-ha-ha-ha. | 0:30:57 | 0:31:01 | |
-Pooey! -Bum. | 0:31:01 | 0:31:03 | |
Balderdash and big bugger burps, Blackadder. | 0:31:03 | 0:31:05 | |
It was a wonderful show. Absolutely super. | 0:31:08 | 0:31:11 | |
It was one of those shows that was | 0:31:11 | 0:31:13 | |
wonderful and super at the same time. | 0:31:13 | 0:31:16 | |
Absolutely wonderful and totally super. | 0:31:16 | 0:31:19 | |
Historical comedy there might be, | 0:31:22 | 0:31:24 | |
but there was also room for history to be dramatic. | 0:31:24 | 0:31:27 | |
LEEDS ACCENT: It's snowing again. | 0:31:34 | 0:31:36 | |
It's always snowing in Moscow at this time of year. | 0:31:36 | 0:31:38 | |
I can see Comrade Milankova down by the statue of me. | 0:31:40 | 0:31:43 | |
She's a widow, Comrade Milankova. Her husband died of natural causes - | 0:31:44 | 0:31:49 | |
which is not at all natural in Moscow at the moment, | 0:31:49 | 0:31:52 | |
if you get me drift. | 0:31:52 | 0:31:54 | |
I can't seem to stop having people bumped off. | 0:31:54 | 0:31:57 | |
I call it me urge to purge. | 0:31:57 | 0:32:00 | |
'Ere comes trouble. | 0:32:01 | 0:32:03 | |
Comrade Jim Broadbentovich. | 0:32:04 | 0:32:07 | |
-Hello, Stalin. -How are you? | 0:32:07 | 0:32:09 | |
Very well, thank you. Yep. | 0:32:09 | 0:32:11 | |
How's the five-year plan going? | 0:32:11 | 0:32:13 | |
I'm afraid it's failed. So I suppose that's curtains for me. | 0:32:13 | 0:32:17 | |
Well, you can have these ones if you like. | 0:32:17 | 0:32:19 | |
Very kind of you. | 0:32:19 | 0:32:21 | |
I thought I might go for chintz - it's nice and cheery. | 0:32:21 | 0:32:24 | |
What do you think? | 0:32:24 | 0:32:26 | |
Brighten the place up a bit, wouldn't they, Stalin? | 0:32:26 | 0:32:29 | |
I'm having him shot later. It's a shame, really. | 0:32:29 | 0:32:32 | |
He's a nice man. | 0:32:32 | 0:32:33 | |
Now history began to happen before our very eyes. | 0:32:34 | 0:32:38 | |
The Cold War ended, the Wall came down, | 0:32:38 | 0:32:41 | |
and for BBC Two trouble was brewing - | 0:32:41 | 0:32:44 | |
in not one, two, three | 0:32:44 | 0:32:46 | |
but 4-form. | 0:32:46 | 0:32:48 | |
The new channel was young, anti-establishment, | 0:32:48 | 0:32:50 | |
and it wanted to shaft BBC Two. | 0:32:50 | 0:32:53 | |
Up the arse. | 0:32:53 | 0:32:54 | |
SQUEAKING AND WAILING | 0:32:54 | 0:32:56 | |
It was time to change or be buggered. | 0:32:56 | 0:32:59 | |
And change came in the form of a new controller. | 0:32:59 | 0:33:02 | |
And his name was Yentob. | 0:33:02 | 0:33:05 | |
-VERY DEEP VOICE: -I made Citizen Kane. | 0:33:10 | 0:33:12 | |
HE CAWS | 0:33:12 | 0:33:14 | |
Orson! Oh, Orson! Yentob Orson friend. | 0:33:14 | 0:33:19 | |
ORSON GRUNTS, YENTOB TRILLS | 0:33:19 | 0:33:22 | |
Yentob may have had an arts background | 0:33:22 | 0:33:25 | |
but he could see that Channel 4 was dumbing down fast | 0:33:25 | 0:33:28 | |
and he wanted a piece of the action. | 0:33:28 | 0:33:30 | |
Yentob in turmoil! Yentob... | 0:33:30 | 0:33:34 | |
He needed a man with the skill to dumb down an entire channel. | 0:33:34 | 0:33:37 | |
And he found him. | 0:33:37 | 0:33:38 | |
Albus Dumbledowne. | 0:33:40 | 0:33:42 | |
Yentob see salvation! | 0:33:42 | 0:33:45 | |
These red leather seats are really quite cosseting. | 0:33:48 | 0:33:51 | |
Be vulgar, Jeremy! Be mockney! | 0:33:51 | 0:33:57 | |
-EXAGGERATED ACCENT: -Oh, my God. I feel like... | 0:33:57 | 0:34:01 | |
..I'm in a vagina. | 0:34:02 | 0:34:04 | |
Mm. | 0:34:04 | 0:34:05 | |
I'm a dildo! | 0:34:07 | 0:34:09 | |
Yentob brought in this ghastly new head of comedy, Paul Someone. | 0:34:09 | 0:34:12 | |
He was a horrid little man. | 0:34:12 | 0:34:14 | |
I didn't want all that elitist Oxbridge crap - | 0:34:14 | 0:34:16 | |
I wanted alternative comedy. Edgy comedy, full of edge and edginess | 0:34:16 | 0:34:19 | |
by working-middle-class people who failed to get into Oxbridge. | 0:34:19 | 0:34:22 | |
Ah! Here! | 0:34:22 | 0:34:24 | |
Aargh! | 0:34:24 | 0:34:28 | |
Hur-hur-hur. | 0:34:28 | 0:34:29 | |
-Ha-ha! -Ah. | 0:34:29 | 0:34:32 | |
Oh shut up, Neil! | 0:34:32 | 0:34:34 | |
Ow. | 0:34:37 | 0:34:38 | |
Where's Mike? | 0:34:38 | 0:34:40 | |
Hey! It's cool out there - and so am I. | 0:34:40 | 0:34:44 | |
WIND BLOWS | 0:34:44 | 0:34:47 | |
Somebody hit someone, for God's sake. | 0:34:47 | 0:34:49 | |
Ha-ha! Ha-ha! | 0:34:49 | 0:34:52 | |
It was all edgy comedy then. Just edge. | 0:34:53 | 0:34:56 | |
No side, no top, no bottom, no back, no front - just edge, edge, edge. | 0:34:56 | 0:34:59 | |
Would you like to suck my lollipop? | 0:34:59 | 0:35:02 | |
Ooh, you are awful but I like you, | 0:35:02 | 0:35:05 | |
young man! | 0:35:05 | 0:35:06 | |
Young man! | 0:35:08 | 0:35:09 | |
Yentob was successful in his quest | 0:35:11 | 0:35:14 | |
to beat Channel 4 at its own moronic game. | 0:35:14 | 0:35:16 | |
But he was uneasy, agitated, distressed. | 0:35:17 | 0:35:22 | |
Yentob unhappy. High culture he crave. | 0:35:22 | 0:35:27 | |
And who, from the world of high culture, | 0:35:27 | 0:35:30 | |
exiled to America and rejected there, was as alienated as Yentob? | 0:35:30 | 0:35:34 | |
Mr Potter! | 0:35:34 | 0:35:36 | |
Yes! Only Mr Potter can make Yentob happy! | 0:35:36 | 0:35:42 | |
Yes! Yes! | 0:35:42 | 0:35:44 | |
'He's the one. Yes. Him. | 0:36:01 | 0:36:04 | |
'I choose him.' | 0:36:04 | 0:36:06 | |
-Oh! -Oh! | 0:36:13 | 0:36:15 | |
Oh, I'm sorry. I do beg your pardon. Oh, I say! | 0:36:15 | 0:36:19 | |
-How are you? -Er, do I...? | 0:36:19 | 0:36:21 | |
-Yes! Last week - you remember! -Yes, of course. | 0:36:21 | 0:36:25 | |
And now it's today! So you must be on your way to... | 0:36:25 | 0:36:29 | |
-The rehearsals. -Yes. For the play, isn't it? | 0:36:29 | 0:36:32 | |
The television play. | 0:36:32 | 0:36:34 | |
Yes, the one that I wrote! I'll come with you. Come along. | 0:36:34 | 0:36:37 | |
Are we still rehearsing in the... | 0:36:37 | 0:36:39 | |
-The hospital? Yes. -Yes. | 0:36:39 | 0:36:42 | |
POTTER CACKLES | 0:36:42 | 0:36:45 | |
Stop it. What are you doing? | 0:36:50 | 0:36:53 | |
What are you doing to our Mary? | 0:36:53 | 0:36:56 | |
I saw something. Something in the woods. | 0:36:56 | 0:36:58 | |
Our Mary Whitehouse being porked. | 0:36:58 | 0:37:01 | |
Right in her Forest of Dean. | 0:37:01 | 0:37:03 | |
Look at your face! | 0:37:03 | 0:37:05 | |
I've got cornflake eczema. | 0:37:05 | 0:37:08 | |
And I've got Rice Krispie psoriasis. | 0:37:09 | 0:37:12 | |
What's to be done? | 0:37:12 | 0:37:14 | |
Maybe we could do something weird, like mime along to an old song. | 0:37:14 | 0:37:17 | |
-RECORDING: -# Good mornin', skin game | 0:37:17 | 0:37:20 | |
# Hollerin' skin game, please last | 0:37:21 | 0:37:25 | |
# Good mornin', skin game | 0:37:26 | 0:37:29 | |
# Hollerin' skin game, please last | 0:37:29 | 0:37:33 | |
# I done staked my man to win | 0:37:37 | 0:37:40 | |
# And I hope my money will pass. # | 0:37:40 | 0:37:44 | |
Well, that didn't work, did it, Potter? | 0:37:47 | 0:37:49 | |
Maybe my nephew can help. | 0:37:49 | 0:37:52 | |
Skin complaintus, disappearus. | 0:37:52 | 0:37:54 | |
Is he simple? | 0:37:56 | 0:37:57 | |
There's something mouldy on your foot. | 0:37:57 | 0:38:00 | |
It's a wart. | 0:38:00 | 0:38:01 | |
That is the lord of all mouldy warts. | 0:38:01 | 0:38:05 | |
Lord Mouldy Wart killed my parents! | 0:38:06 | 0:38:08 | |
Oh, Jesus Christ. Will my career come to this? | 0:38:08 | 0:38:13 | |
HE CHUCKLES You sold your soul, Michael! | 0:38:13 | 0:38:15 | |
HE CACKLES | 0:38:17 | 0:38:19 | |
Right, Mr Singsong. It's time for me to grease up your winky. | 0:38:21 | 0:38:25 | |
Oh, God. | 0:38:25 | 0:38:26 | |
I had absolutely no idea what was going on at the time | 0:38:27 | 0:38:31 | |
but it was bloody marvellous. | 0:38:31 | 0:38:33 | |
Yentob had done all he could for the channel. | 0:38:33 | 0:38:36 | |
It was time for him to move on. | 0:38:36 | 0:38:38 | |
The new controller was his disciple - Michael Jackson. | 0:38:38 | 0:38:42 | |
What kind of programmes do you want to commission? | 0:38:42 | 0:38:44 | |
What about current affairs? | 0:38:44 | 0:38:46 | |
I want a sketch show that's very, very fast. | 0:38:46 | 0:38:49 | |
This week I are bein' mostly in 'Arry Potter. | 0:38:52 | 0:38:56 | |
The trouble with you lot is you can't act. | 0:39:01 | 0:39:04 | |
I'll get me cloak. | 0:39:08 | 0:39:10 | |
Harry Emery. | 0:39:14 | 0:39:15 | |
-Enfield. -Same thing. Why weren't you in The Fast Show? | 0:39:15 | 0:39:20 | |
-Oh, well... -Paul Whitehouse and Charlie Higson were in your show. | 0:39:20 | 0:39:23 | |
-Why weren't you in theirs? -Well, I didn't really want to be, so... | 0:39:23 | 0:39:26 | |
-Did they ever ask you? -No. | 0:39:26 | 0:39:27 | |
Were you disappointed by the lack of BAFTAs that your show got? | 0:39:27 | 0:39:32 | |
Not at all, no. I never really think about awards. | 0:39:32 | 0:39:35 | |
And The Fast Show got...how many? | 0:39:35 | 0:39:37 | |
I've no idea. Four. | 0:39:37 | 0:39:38 | |
Four. And your show got...? | 0:39:38 | 0:39:40 | |
-None. -Does that bother you? | 0:39:40 | 0:39:42 | |
Fast Show - four. Your show, Harry Enfield and Chums... | 0:39:43 | 0:39:48 | |
You changed the name - Harry Enfield's Television Programme. | 0:39:48 | 0:39:51 | |
Still no awards. | 0:39:51 | 0:39:53 | |
Honestly, not a problem. | 0:39:53 | 0:39:55 | |
No bitterness? | 0:39:56 | 0:39:57 | |
None whatsoever. I'm extremely proud of my show. | 0:39:57 | 0:40:01 | |
BAFTA wasn't. Great to speak to you. | 0:40:01 | 0:40:03 | |
There were storm clouds brewing. | 0:40:05 | 0:40:08 | |
A new man had taken charge of the whole BBC. | 0:40:08 | 0:40:11 | |
And his name was Burt. Burt John. | 0:40:11 | 0:40:15 | |
Burt John wasn't really a BBC man at all. | 0:40:15 | 0:40:18 | |
I mean, he gathered us together and gave some funny little speech | 0:40:18 | 0:40:21 | |
about something called value for money. | 0:40:21 | 0:40:23 | |
I didn't really understand a word - but I was there! | 0:40:23 | 0:40:26 | |
It seemed to mean getting rid of the subsidy in the BBC bar. | 0:40:26 | 0:40:29 | |
And I was very much there. | 0:40:29 | 0:40:31 | |
Well, it's very difficult, you know, to come up with wonderful ideas | 0:40:31 | 0:40:35 | |
that the nation will take completely to their hearts | 0:40:35 | 0:40:37 | |
unless one's somewhat sozzled! | 0:40:37 | 0:40:40 | |
Er, no... | 0:40:40 | 0:40:42 | |
Burt John was a total cu... | 0:40:43 | 0:40:45 | |
He brought in a woman to run BBC Two. | 0:40:45 | 0:40:49 | |
That woman was Jane Brute. | 0:40:49 | 0:40:52 | |
And she wanted women. | 0:40:52 | 0:40:54 | |
I wanted Robert Robinson to front the new quiz show. | 0:40:54 | 0:40:57 | |
But the woman in charge wanted a woman. | 0:40:57 | 0:41:00 | |
So we used Robert's daughter. | 0:41:00 | 0:41:02 | |
Welcome to Is Your Child An Idiot? | 0:41:02 | 0:41:05 | |
Tonight, who is our idiot? | 0:41:05 | 0:41:08 | |
Is it you, Susan? | 0:41:08 | 0:41:10 | |
Or is it Andrew? | 0:41:10 | 0:41:12 | |
Or perhaps it's Simon. | 0:41:12 | 0:41:15 | |
Or quite possibly Sally. | 0:41:15 | 0:41:17 | |
What is the Latin name of the rice-field rat? | 0:41:19 | 0:41:21 | |
Rattus argentiventer. | 0:41:21 | 0:41:24 | |
What was the name of the General | 0:41:24 | 0:41:26 | |
who led the ANZAC troops in the First World War? | 0:41:26 | 0:41:29 | |
William Birdwood. | 0:41:31 | 0:41:33 | |
RMS Lusitania, torpedoed and sunk by the Germans in 1915, | 0:41:33 | 0:41:38 | |
was designed by who? | 0:41:38 | 0:41:40 | |
Leonard Peskett. Bank! | 0:41:40 | 0:41:43 | |
Who was the Secretary General | 0:41:43 | 0:41:45 | |
of the Hungarian Communist government from 1949 to 1956? | 0:41:45 | 0:41:49 | |
-Enver Hoxha. -BUZZER | 0:41:49 | 0:41:51 | |
Oops. Oh, dear. | 0:41:51 | 0:41:55 | |
And at the end of that round... | 0:41:55 | 0:41:57 | |
Sally, you think Hungary and Albania are the same, do you? | 0:41:57 | 0:42:02 | |
The Hungarian dictator was... | 0:42:03 | 0:42:06 | |
Matyas Rakosi. | 0:42:06 | 0:42:07 | |
Knowing the answer now doesn't make you any less of a moronic buffoon, | 0:42:07 | 0:42:12 | |
any less of a cretinous dolt. | 0:42:12 | 0:42:16 | |
Sally, you are an idiot. Goodbye. | 0:42:17 | 0:42:21 | |
A new decade dawned. | 0:42:25 | 0:42:28 | |
With comedy. | 0:42:28 | 0:42:30 | |
With Dawn. | 0:42:30 | 0:42:31 | |
Kertanger. | 0:42:47 | 0:42:48 | |
I like shagging, dead people... | 0:42:50 | 0:42:53 | |
don't like shagging... cos they're dead, yeah? | 0:42:53 | 0:42:57 | |
I like shagging dead people. | 0:42:57 | 0:43:00 | |
Look from Dawn. | 0:43:00 | 0:43:02 | |
Joke! | 0:43:03 | 0:43:04 | |
I most certainly do NOT like shagging dead people. | 0:43:04 | 0:43:07 | |
Obviously. | 0:43:07 | 0:43:09 | |
Only done it once. It was impersonal. | 0:43:09 | 0:43:12 | |
Look from Hobbit. | 0:43:12 | 0:43:14 | |
Dawn. | 0:43:15 | 0:43:16 | |
Hobbit. | 0:43:18 | 0:43:19 | |
As the noughties dragged on, a new threat loomed. | 0:43:21 | 0:43:24 | |
Recession. Money was tight. | 0:43:24 | 0:43:27 | |
It was time for BBC Two to make programmes | 0:43:27 | 0:43:31 | |
about nothing at all. | 0:43:31 | 0:43:33 | |
Grumpy Old Bores are minor celebrities with absolutely | 0:43:33 | 0:43:36 | |
nothing interesting to say about how there's too much plastic packaging. | 0:43:36 | 0:43:40 | |
I find plastic packaging terribly difficult to open. | 0:43:40 | 0:43:43 | |
And you always have to pop all the bubbles on bubble wrap - | 0:43:43 | 0:43:46 | |
it's quite addictive. | 0:43:46 | 0:43:48 | |
I mean, what's going on? | 0:43:48 | 0:43:49 | |
You go to buy a cucumber and it's covered in a condom! | 0:43:49 | 0:43:51 | |
HE CHUCKLES | 0:43:51 | 0:43:53 | |
And you end up slashing at the plastic packaging with a knife | 0:43:53 | 0:43:58 | |
and you cut your bleedin' finger. | 0:43:58 | 0:44:01 | |
Sometimes it takes my servants hours to get the packaging off | 0:44:01 | 0:44:04 | |
the many important things that arrive for me every day, | 0:44:04 | 0:44:07 | |
which, er... which makes me quite grumpy. Grr! | 0:44:07 | 0:44:10 | |
I mean, all this plastic packaging's a pain in the arse, innit? | 0:44:10 | 0:44:13 | |
Grumpy old bores will say obvious things about anything for the money. | 0:44:13 | 0:44:17 | |
Now talk about reading glasses. | 0:44:17 | 0:44:20 | |
They make you look like you've got four eyes. | 0:44:20 | 0:44:23 | |
What's wrong with contact lenses? | 0:44:23 | 0:44:25 | |
Contact lenses. | 0:44:25 | 0:44:27 | |
They're so hard to get in your eyes. Laser surgery's the thing. | 0:44:27 | 0:44:33 | |
And just when you've had enough of Grumpy Old Bores, | 0:44:33 | 0:44:36 | |
they bring on Grumpy Old Bags. | 0:44:36 | 0:44:38 | |
I mean, why do we even need this World Wide Web anyway? | 0:44:38 | 0:44:43 | |
And they won't even take money on the buses any more. | 0:44:43 | 0:44:46 | |
You have to have... a Scallop card, is it? | 0:44:46 | 0:44:48 | |
SHE GRUNTS | 0:44:48 | 0:44:50 | |
And my grandson - he's always... | 0:44:50 | 0:44:51 | |
If BBC Two was hitting the depths, it didn't want you to think so. | 0:44:51 | 0:44:55 | |
In came a late-night arts show. | 0:44:57 | 0:45:00 | |
It was to be more of a pseudo-intellectual snack | 0:45:00 | 0:45:03 | |
than a delicious donnish dinner. | 0:45:03 | 0:45:05 | |
It was dark, bitter and thinly spread - | 0:45:05 | 0:45:09 | |
Smarmnite. | 0:45:09 | 0:45:11 | |
Hello, I'm Mark Egghead. This week - meh-meh-eew! - The X Factor. | 0:45:11 | 0:45:15 | |
Meh-meh-meh. Simon Cowell et al. | 0:45:15 | 0:45:19 | |
-David Ponse. -Well, I've never actually eurgh The X Factor. | 0:45:19 | 0:45:22 | |
I've never eurgh Simon Cowell | 0:45:22 | 0:45:23 | |
and I've certainly never eurgh Louis Walsh. | 0:45:23 | 0:45:25 | |
-It was a solid... -Please, let me finish. And I hope I'm spared any more of this lamentable eurgh. | 0:45:25 | 0:45:30 | |
-Well, the minor... -Paul Poorly. | 0:45:30 | 0:45:33 | |
Betrayal of working class, bread and dripping, Ian Curtis. | 0:45:33 | 0:45:36 | |
-Tom Appalling? -Well, I rather liked it. | 0:45:36 | 0:45:39 | |
-Ugh! -But surely - meh-meh-meh - | 0:45:39 | 0:45:42 | |
Sharon Osbourne and - meh-meh-meh - Louis Walsh. | 0:45:42 | 0:45:45 | |
Mah-ma-ma-ma-mah, ma-ma-ma-mah... | 0:45:45 | 0:45:48 | |
BBC Two was fast running out of viewers - and money. | 0:45:51 | 0:45:54 | |
To solve this problem would take all the brainiest brains | 0:45:54 | 0:45:57 | |
of the BBC's brightest brains. | 0:45:57 | 0:46:00 | |
This channel needs stars. Stars cost money. | 0:46:00 | 0:46:03 | |
We need stars that don't cost money. Pipes in. Pencils out. | 0:46:03 | 0:46:07 | |
I have the solution. | 0:46:10 | 0:46:12 | |
-Ordinary people. -HE CLEARS THROAT | 0:46:12 | 0:46:14 | |
Psst! Are you still a communist? | 0:46:14 | 0:46:17 | |
-No. -Nor am I. | 0:46:17 | 0:46:19 | |
I still am. | 0:46:19 | 0:46:21 | |
That's because you're a horrid little homosexual. | 0:46:21 | 0:46:23 | |
Gentlemen, I have calculated that | 0:46:23 | 0:46:26 | |
a famous person plus money equals a star. | 0:46:26 | 0:46:31 | |
I've checked your calculation - it's correct. | 0:46:31 | 0:46:34 | |
I have also calculated that a star is greater than... | 0:46:34 | 0:46:39 | |
an ordinary person. | 0:46:39 | 0:46:41 | |
If you take away money, | 0:46:41 | 0:46:45 | |
you have to cancel out the star. | 0:46:45 | 0:46:48 | |
But you are left with a famous person | 0:46:48 | 0:46:52 | |
who is greater than an ordinary person. | 0:46:52 | 0:46:56 | |
-Ah! -Hmm. | 0:46:56 | 0:46:59 | |
I'm better than you. | 0:47:07 | 0:47:09 | |
Yes, Lord Sugar. | 0:47:09 | 0:47:11 | |
And I'm better than you. | 0:47:11 | 0:47:13 | |
Yes, Lord Sugar. | 0:47:13 | 0:47:15 | |
Look at my watch. | 0:47:17 | 0:47:18 | |
Have you got a watch as nice as this one? | 0:47:18 | 0:47:20 | |
I don't think so - I'm better than you. | 0:47:20 | 0:47:23 | |
Yes, Lord Sugar. | 0:47:23 | 0:47:25 | |
You haven't even got a watch - I'm better than you. | 0:47:25 | 0:47:29 | |
Yes, Lord Sugar. | 0:47:29 | 0:47:31 | |
I earn more money every year than you'll earn in your lives. | 0:47:34 | 0:47:38 | |
Because I'm better than you. | 0:47:40 | 0:47:41 | |
Yes, Lord Sugar. | 0:47:41 | 0:47:43 | |
And I'm better than you. | 0:47:43 | 0:47:44 | |
In due respect, Lord Sugar, | 0:47:44 | 0:47:46 | |
I-I feel in my gut of guts that I could be nearly as good as you... | 0:47:46 | 0:47:49 | |
but she's holding me back. | 0:47:49 | 0:47:51 | |
Oh, do you, now? | 0:47:54 | 0:47:55 | |
Well, let me tell you, Sonny Jim Boy With A Lot Of Glue In Your Hair, | 0:47:55 | 0:47:59 | |
you'll never be as good as me cos I'm better than you. | 0:47:59 | 0:48:02 | |
Yes, Lord Sugar. | 0:48:02 | 0:48:04 | |
-And I'm better than you. -Oh, yes, Lord Sugar. | 0:48:04 | 0:48:06 | |
-Now, get out. -Thank you very much, Lord Sugar. -Thank you, Lord Sugar. | 0:48:06 | 0:48:09 | |
Simon is cooking for three very important people. | 0:48:14 | 0:48:17 | |
They're better chefs than Simon. They're better people than Simon. | 0:48:17 | 0:48:21 | |
They're all better than him. | 0:48:21 | 0:48:23 | |
You've got five minutes, Simon, and the clock's ticking. | 0:48:31 | 0:48:34 | |
Which means you've only got two minutes. | 0:48:34 | 0:48:36 | |
Time's money to them, Simon, and you've got just four minutes. | 0:48:38 | 0:48:42 | |
-Or 75p. -Don't keep them waiting. They're better than you. | 0:48:42 | 0:48:46 | |
You've got 90 seconds left, Simon, and that's less than ten minutes. | 0:48:47 | 0:48:51 | |
This is no time to panic, mate, but hurry up! | 0:48:51 | 0:48:54 | |
Simon's got to give this meal 100% and if he doesn't - phew! | 0:48:54 | 0:48:58 | |
And I'm in a different room to you. | 0:49:00 | 0:49:02 | |
What do you think his chances are? | 0:49:02 | 0:49:04 | |
Exactly. I'm yellower than you. | 0:49:04 | 0:49:07 | |
Mmm, mmm. They do look absolutely marvellous. | 0:49:10 | 0:49:14 | |
Not a hint of a soggy bottom. | 0:49:14 | 0:49:16 | |
What a clever little ordinary person you are. | 0:49:16 | 0:49:18 | |
Wouldn't I make a wonderful queen? | 0:49:18 | 0:49:21 | |
And I'm better than you. | 0:49:21 | 0:49:24 | |
50 years ago, this cathedral of programme making | 0:49:24 | 0:49:28 | |
brought joy to the great unwashed. | 0:49:28 | 0:49:31 | |
I like television. I like Bruce Forsyth. | 0:49:31 | 0:49:33 | |
I like Doctor Who. | 0:49:33 | 0:49:34 | |
I like Coronation Street. | 0:49:34 | 0:49:37 | |
How different television looks today. | 0:49:37 | 0:49:40 | |
I like Bruce Forsyth. | 0:49:40 | 0:49:42 | |
I like Doctor Who. | 0:49:42 | 0:49:43 | |
I like Coronation Street. | 0:49:43 | 0:49:45 | |
BBC Two's contribution has been immeasurable. | 0:49:45 | 0:49:49 | |
I think the best show was entirely my idea, | 0:49:49 | 0:49:53 | |
made up entirely of live bands presented by Jools Holland - | 0:49:53 | 0:49:59 | |
and I cannot understand why it didn't work. | 0:49:59 | 0:50:02 | |
Ladies and gentlemen, a very warm welcome to Earlier with me, Jools Holland, | 0:50:02 | 0:50:06 | |
the only breakfast show, of course, with all live bands. | 0:50:06 | 0:50:09 | |
-And what a treat - Jeff Beck! -CHEERING AND APPLAUSE | 0:50:09 | 0:50:11 | |
Jeff, perhaps if I could prod you awake, a little poke there. | 0:50:11 | 0:50:16 | |
No? | 0:50:16 | 0:50:17 | |
But never mind because in reserve it's Klaxons - that's right. | 0:50:17 | 0:50:21 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:50:21 | 0:50:22 | |
And no definite signs of life but never mind - | 0:50:22 | 0:50:25 | |
it's live TV, we move on. | 0:50:25 | 0:50:27 | |
Round here in a great sweep reminiscent of the Mississippi - | 0:50:27 | 0:50:30 | |
of course the Mississippi Delta, birthplace of the Blues - | 0:50:30 | 0:50:33 | |
to the wonderful, charming and wide-awake Damon Albarn. | 0:50:33 | 0:50:36 | |
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE | 0:50:36 | 0:50:38 | |
Go away. | 0:50:38 | 0:50:40 | |
I'll keep that thought upmost in my mind | 0:50:40 | 0:50:42 | |
and as I come round here, I can see in the gloom | 0:50:42 | 0:50:44 | |
a friend of the show over in the corner - Rowland Rivron - | 0:50:44 | 0:50:47 | |
but first we must traverse the sleeping Chrissie Hynde, | 0:50:47 | 0:50:51 | |
-ladies and gentlemen. Sh. -FAINT APPLAUSE | 0:50:51 | 0:50:54 | |
So I'm going to move here. | 0:50:54 | 0:50:55 | |
Come along, come along. And joy of joys - who's this here? | 0:50:55 | 0:50:58 | |
-It's Rowland Rivron, ladies and gentlemen. -Hootenanny! | 0:50:58 | 0:51:01 | |
Yeah, and that, yes. I see you've brought your dog Rover Rivron. | 0:51:01 | 0:51:04 | |
Rover Rivron, ladies and gentlemen. | 0:51:04 | 0:51:05 | |
-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE -What type of dog is Rover Rivron, Rowland Rivron? | 0:51:05 | 0:51:09 | |
-He's a Yorkshire Terrier, Jools. -That is quite fascinating and really much more reminiscent | 0:51:09 | 0:51:13 | |
of breakfast TV. Thank you very much. | 0:51:13 | 0:51:15 | |
I think in drama, I'm most excited about our new | 0:51:15 | 0:51:17 | |
Scandinavian series from the director of The Killing. | 0:51:17 | 0:51:20 | |
DOOR BELL RINGS | 0:51:24 | 0:51:26 | |
RINGING CONTINUES | 0:51:29 | 0:51:31 | |
MUSIC: OMINOUS VERSION OF "Pingu" THEME | 0:51:31 | 0:51:33 | |
HE SPEAKS SCANDINAVIAN-SOUNDING GIBBERISH | 0:51:35 | 0:51:38 | |
Waa-waa! | 0:51:42 | 0:51:44 | |
Waa-waa! | 0:51:44 | 0:51:46 | |
Waa-waa! | 0:51:51 | 0:51:52 | |
Waa-bla-bla. | 0:52:11 | 0:52:13 | |
Waa-waa! | 0:52:21 | 0:52:22 | |
DOOR BELL RINGS | 0:52:35 | 0:52:37 | |
SIREN WAILS | 0:53:07 | 0:53:10 | |
I think in comedy, the cheapest show - | 0:53:28 | 0:53:31 | |
I mean, the best show - has to be Panel Show. | 0:53:31 | 0:53:34 | |
Hello and welcome to Panel Show. | 0:53:36 | 0:53:38 | |
This week, I'm going to be sacked for shagging about. | 0:53:38 | 0:53:42 | |
And replaced by me. | 0:53:43 | 0:53:45 | |
Ian, for whom did everything go wrong this week? | 0:53:46 | 0:53:49 | |
The Government? | 0:53:49 | 0:53:50 | |
Is it Boris Johnson, tousle-haired shagger? | 0:53:52 | 0:53:55 | |
Boyish coy look. | 0:53:56 | 0:53:58 | |
I love Poundland and potatoes and I have periods. | 0:53:58 | 0:54:01 | |
Ha-ha-ha! Rude word! | 0:54:01 | 0:54:03 | |
What actually happened was the Government... | 0:54:03 | 0:54:05 | |
Is it a dolphin in a bathtub? | 0:54:05 | 0:54:07 | |
Er, wasn't it total cock-up? Er, the Government? | 0:54:10 | 0:54:14 | |
And the interesting thing about the Government | 0:54:14 | 0:54:17 | |
is it has 428 on each tentacle, | 0:54:17 | 0:54:20 | |
which allows it to eat its own regurgitated sick. | 0:54:20 | 0:54:22 | |
Alan, look like an overripe strawberry. | 0:54:22 | 0:54:26 | |
What did Ed Miliband this week? | 0:54:28 | 0:54:29 | |
Er, Ed Miliband, total cock-up? | 0:54:29 | 0:54:32 | |
I think what actually happened was Ed Miliband - bad misjudgement, | 0:54:34 | 0:54:37 | |
-which was amusing because... -Is it a dolphin in a bath tub? | 0:54:37 | 0:54:39 | |
Russell. Oh, my God, the Daily Mail! | 0:54:42 | 0:54:46 | |
Oh, my God, the Daily Mail. | 0:54:46 | 0:54:48 | |
Oh, my God, the Daily Mail! | 0:54:48 | 0:54:51 | |
Oh, God, yeah, the Daily Mail. | 0:54:51 | 0:54:53 | |
Oh, my God, the Daily Mail! | 0:54:53 | 0:54:56 | |
Daily Mail, Boris Johnson, a couple of slappers. | 0:54:56 | 0:54:59 | |
Boyish coy look. | 0:55:00 | 0:55:02 | |
What actually happened was the Daily Mail, Boris Johnson, | 0:55:02 | 0:55:05 | |
-which... -Is it a dolphin in a bathtub? | 0:55:05 | 0:55:07 | |
Oh, my God, the Daily Mail - total Nazis. | 0:55:09 | 0:55:13 | |
And the interesting thing about the Nazis is | 0:55:13 | 0:55:15 | |
they actually won the Second World War but it was changed in the film. | 0:55:15 | 0:55:20 | |
Alan, strawberry. | 0:55:21 | 0:55:22 | |
The interesting thing about Nazis - there's no T in it. | 0:55:24 | 0:55:27 | |
Should actually be pronounced "nah-zee". | 0:55:27 | 0:55:30 | |
Diddy Andy Hamilton, please sneer at Ann Widdecombe. | 0:55:32 | 0:55:36 | |
Ann Widdecombe. | 0:55:36 | 0:55:37 | |
Ann Widdecombe! Eurgh! | 0:55:38 | 0:55:41 | |
And the truth about Ann Widdecombe... | 0:55:41 | 0:55:43 | |
Is Ann Widdecombe a dolphin in a bathtub? | 0:55:43 | 0:55:45 | |
And the interesting thing about Ann Widdecombe is it's pronounced | 0:55:46 | 0:55:49 | |
"Ann Wuddicome" in parts of Scotland | 0:55:49 | 0:55:51 | |
and "Anne Wycombe" in parts of Wycombe. | 0:55:51 | 0:55:54 | |
And I spend my evenings cuddling me cushion, | 0:55:54 | 0:55:57 | |
which is more fun than me boyfriend, | 0:55:57 | 0:55:58 | |
and it hides me cake shelf. | 0:55:58 | 0:56:00 | |
Oh, my God, the Daily Mail! | 0:56:02 | 0:56:04 | |
Can we bully some old people now? | 0:56:04 | 0:56:07 | |
Number one's an ugly ginge. Number two's ugly and stupid. | 0:56:07 | 0:56:11 | |
Number three's ugly, stupid and mental. | 0:56:11 | 0:56:13 | |
Number four's an ugly, stupid, mental wanker. | 0:56:13 | 0:56:15 | |
And number five's an ugly, stupid, mental wanker paedophile. | 0:56:15 | 0:56:19 | |
Number five's definitely a paedo. | 0:56:20 | 0:56:22 | |
A wonky-eyed-wanker paedo - I'm going to throw a brick at him. | 0:56:22 | 0:56:27 | |
Look - I've cut his 'ead open! | 0:56:27 | 0:56:30 | |
It's number five, | 0:56:30 | 0:56:31 | |
the ugly, stupid, mental, wonky-eyed wanker paedophile! | 0:56:31 | 0:56:35 | |
Disapproving look. | 0:56:36 | 0:56:39 | |
Stop-stop-stop starting and start stopping. | 0:56:39 | 0:56:41 | |
Oh, my God, the Daily Mail! | 0:56:41 | 0:56:44 | |
Good night! | 0:56:44 | 0:56:45 | |
If BBC Two's past has been worth celebrating, | 0:56:45 | 0:56:49 | |
what about the present? | 0:56:49 | 0:56:51 | |
Of course, what I'm really excited about | 0:56:51 | 0:56:53 | |
is a brand-new 26-part documentary we've just made | 0:56:53 | 0:56:57 | |
to celebrate the centenary of the First World War. | 0:56:57 | 0:57:00 | |
December the 25th, 1914, Christmas Day. | 0:57:00 | 0:57:04 | |
And up popped this German right on top of the rubbly old nunk. | 0:57:06 | 0:57:10 | |
And we are chatting away to these German scallywags. | 0:57:12 | 0:57:16 | |
I improvised a game of Fussball. | 0:57:17 | 0:57:20 | |
The game ended in a nil-all draw. | 0:57:20 | 0:57:23 | |
And the Germans won on penalties. | 0:57:23 | 0:57:26 | |
The Germans won on penalties, so they won on penalties. | 0:57:26 | 0:57:29 | |
And the Germans won on penalties. | 0:57:29 | 0:57:32 | |
We Germans won on penalties. | 0:57:32 | 0:57:36 | |
The Germans won on penalties. | 0:57:36 | 0:57:40 | |
I've got wandering hands. | 0:57:49 | 0:57:51 | |
And in 50 years' time, with so many new channels, | 0:57:53 | 0:57:56 | |
so many different new forms of media, | 0:57:56 | 0:58:00 | |
will there be BBC Two? | 0:58:00 | 0:58:02 | |
And if there is, will there be BBC Two...Too? | 0:58:02 | 0:58:05 | |
Johnny and I married a decade or so after he directed me in the show | 0:58:39 | 0:58:43 | |
and we still like to keep the spark alive for up to eight hours a day. | 0:58:43 | 0:58:48 | |
-Charlie's going to eat your face off! -Oh! | 0:58:51 | 0:58:54 | |
Ah! | 0:58:54 | 0:58:55 |