Harry and Paul's Story of the Twos


Harry and Paul's Story of the Twos

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This programme contains adult humour and some strong language

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It's 1964. The BBC, or Auntie Beeb as she was known, is 45 years old.

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So far, she's given birth to one televisual child.

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And on April the 20th of that year,

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she was to find herself once again in labour.

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Do come on, Auntie Beeb, stop making a fuss and push.

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Ooh!

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The child was on its way.

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But what was it to be called?

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We have one television channel.

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Tonight we launch a second.

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What on earth are we going to call it?

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Pipes in. Pencils out.

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I've calculated that if we do indeed have two channels,

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then the current channel - BBC Television -

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should be known as BBC One.

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I've checked your calculations and they're correct.

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If the current channel equals BBC One,

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what does the new channel add up to?

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X to the power of -13.

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This new channel shall be called BBC X To The Power Of -13.

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You've blundered in your reduction of this fraction,

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you horrid little homosexual.

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X to the power of -13 cancelled out is two.

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BBC Two.

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Can't we call it BBC Stalin?

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Are you a communist?

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This is the BBC - we're all communists, aren't we?

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-ALL:

-Sh.

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So we're all agreed. BBC Two.

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AUNTIE BEEB YELLS

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That's better.

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"BABY" CRIES

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Two.

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Cup of tea?

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The new channel has a name.

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All it needs now is someone to run it.

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A king or queen. A tsar.

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A Fuhrer. A Fat Controller.

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There was only one man for the job and his name was Porky Peacock.

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And Porky Peacock knew exactly what Porky Peacock wanted.

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Long documentaries about the First World War

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that went on for weeks and weeks

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and weeks and weeks and weeks.

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By the winter of 1914,

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the war on the Western Front had reached stalemate.

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From Switzerland to the sea, British and German forces

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faced each other in a deadly battle of attrition that was

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to last for the next four years, except for one day -

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December the 25th, 1914, Christmas Day.

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And right opposite us there's a rubbly old nunk

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and Gerry dug in fast.

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Come dawn of Christmas Day, up he pops as bold as brass.

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He's standin' there, right on top of the rubbly old nunk

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and I'm proper plabber-glasted.

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We were stuck in the trenches with all the mud

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and fizz-bangs going off left, right and centre.

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It was jolly wet and noisy.

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We hear Gerry singing this Christmas Carol, so we do now.

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It's a good Protestant carol, so it is now.

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These Gerries are Hanoverians, so they are now.

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They're the people of King Billy, so they are now.

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So we join in now, so we join in, so we do now, so we do.

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And suddenly these shapes came over the top -

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and they were short and brutish and wearing skirts.

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We recognised them as Highlanders.

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We're standin' there in no-man's-land

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and I've shown a picture to Fritz

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of our Martha. And his eyes have fairly popped out of his head,

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cos she's big as a bus, our Martha.

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She's a whacking great whale of a woman.

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We are chatting away to these German scallywags

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and one of them is touching me on the face and hands -

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I don't think he'd ever seen a dusky fellow before.

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We were so starved of the fairer sex

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and because these Highlanders wore skirts,

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I observed some of my men acquiring the trouser tents.

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This I wished to discourage so I improvised a game of Fussball.

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Out of nowhere comes a football.

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We started playing football, so we started playing football, so we did now, so we did.

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We got to playing the football game, right aside the rubbly old nunk.

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It vas fundamentally like polo but without the horses.

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And the game ended in a nil-all draw.

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And it's one-all at full time. One-all.

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A three-all draw.

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Five goals apiece.

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It ended four-all. And thus it went to penalties.

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And the Germans won on penalties.

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The Germans won on penalties.

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Fritz won on penalties.

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And the Germans, they won on penalties.

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And we Germans won on penalties.

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The Germans won on penalties.

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Ground-breaking documentaries there might be,

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but Peacock also wanted his channel that was new to have news.

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And not just news, but news at night.

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Nightnews.

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Is the Government right about everything?

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Good evening. I'm Gerald Manley Paxman.

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Is the Government right about everything?

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I'm joined by the Government Minister.

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Good evening, Government Minister.

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Good evening, Gerald Manley.

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Is the Government right about everything?

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Yes.

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Are you sure?

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Are you doubting me?

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Not for a moment, and I do apologise if I appear to be.

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Please continue to speak for as long as you like

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without any interruption whatsoever.

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The Government is right about everything because it is a good government,

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composed of extremely intelligent,

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high-minded and deeply moral ministers.

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Thank you, Minister. You are the most interesting man I've ever met.

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Time to look at tomorrow's papers.

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The Times leads with, "The Government's right about everything."

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The Telegraph goes for, "The Government is right about everything."

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And this rag leads with some complete poppycock.

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The new channel was, like its elder sibling,

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to be funded by the licence fee.

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Freed from the pressures of the marketplace,

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it was to be very much BBC T double-O. BBC Too.

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But it still wanted to compete with commercial ITV.

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And compete it did. Dramatically.

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Well, The Forsyte Saga was...

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Actually, tell you the truth,

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I don't remember a great deal about it -

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but I was there!

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I'd had the wonderful idea of shooting the whole thing

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on a single camera with no editor.

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Now, I got the idea from drinking three bottles of wine one lunchtime, at the BBC bar.

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Television history.

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MUSIC: Theme to "The Forsyte Saga"

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Father.

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Ah, Julia.

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Come in and sit quite close to me.

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A little closer, my dear.

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I'm worried. You work so hard, Father. What are these?

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Important documents for the attention of your cousin Julius,

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who will attend to them at ten.

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I'm attentive to his attentions to myself, Father.

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Pay no attention. His attentions are tentative.

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Good day, Jolyon. Ah, Cousin Julia.

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Cousin Julius. You are well?

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Indeed. Do you like my mop-top?

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I do.

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I trust I am the only man in the 1890s with such a hairdo.

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Won't you sit down?

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No, thank you. I won't be in shot.

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Cousin, I've tendered these documents for your attention.

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I beg your pardon, Cousin Jolyon. Could you repeat that?

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SQUEAKING

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Attend to these documents that I've tendered.

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They relate to a trust fund which I set up for the benefit of

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any future children you might have,

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should you one day choose marriage.

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Marriage?

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SCRATCHING FOOTSTEPS APPROACH

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SHE CLEARS THROAT

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-May I come in?

-Why, of course.

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Oh! Worried I am. Very, very worried about everything.

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GLASS SMASHES All I can do is worry and I fear I shall die of worrying.

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Worry, worry, worry. Endless days and nights of worry.

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I worry.

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All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.

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Peacock wanted laughter on his channel.

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And not just laughter, but laughter from somewhere that, hitherto,

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no-one at the BBC had ever dreamt there was laughter.

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Somewhere full of dread, dirt and depravity.

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The North.

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FOGHORN BLOWS

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Ee, Terry, what you done to me bike?

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I've bumped into a bus and bust it, Bob.

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I'm very sorry. You'll get your money.

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Oh, bloomin' Nora!

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And I'm supposed to be meeting Thelma at t'pictures in half hour.

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Are you going to hold her hand?

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I've only known her eight months.

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I reckon she'd love it.

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Ee, Terry! Wash yer mouth out wi' carbolic, why don't you?

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Eh!

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It was a wonderful show - absolutely super.

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It was one of those shows

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that was wonderful and super at the same time.

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Absolutely wonderful and totally super.

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Wonderful and super, perhaps,

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but Southerners couldn't understand the Northern accents.

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And as for Northerners, well, this was 1964 -

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they'd only just learnt how to use a lavatory.

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TOILET FLUSHES

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Education was still a Northerner's dream.

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ITV, yes. BBC Two - ee, by gum, no.

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And this was a problem.

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Peacock appeared more Lord Reith than Lady Gaga,

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and this was the '60s - the generation of the baby-boomers, or Baby Gagas.

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Young people had been invented in 1957 by Mr Elvis Presley,

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and here we were, a decade later,

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with only one programme for them

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and that was Keep Still.

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Keep Still ran for eight hours a day, every day of the week.

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One had to sit very still.

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If one moved at all, well...

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CHALK SQUEAKS

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STICK SMACKS

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The clown was absolutely terrifying.

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He could talk without moving his mouth.

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-'Charlie's gonna eat your face off.'

-SHE GASPS

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Keep Still was the end for Peacock.

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GUARD GRUNTS

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He was booted upstairs to BBC One.

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His replacement - David Attenborough.

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And for Attenborough it was,

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"Hello, good evening and, well, I'm here - let's get on with the job."

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Out went Nightnews. In came Naughty Nightie News.

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# Naughty Nightie News. #

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Is corporal punishment outdated?

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Should it be abolished in our schools?

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Hugh Parsley.

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Well, Joan, I believe it to be a demeaning form of punishment.

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Sir Hubert Tuft, if I were naughty, would you cane me?

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-I

-would.

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You have to remember it was the '60s.

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We were all feeling frisky all the time.

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Is sex a good thing?

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Edward Rhys Spoon?

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I hate sex and so does my wife.

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It's horrible and stupid.

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How about you, Donald Hairwave?

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I rather like sex.

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So do I.

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I'd like to have sex with you.

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So would I.

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# Naughty Nightie News. #

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It's the mid-'60s, and television is about to get ugly.

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And your starter for ten - what is the theme tune to this show?

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Gruesome College Cambridge?

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Ba-woom.

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# Bing-dang-dung. #

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HE TRUMPETS THEME TO "University Challenge"

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Very ugly.

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Welcome to Ask The Ugly Family.

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This week we say hello to our ugly family from Leicester...

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-Hello.

-Hello.

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-Hello.

-Hello.

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..and, dare I say it, our even uglier family from Norfolk.

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Hello.

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Hello.

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Hello.

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Hello.

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BBC Two wanted a slice of the ugly action.

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Hello. I'm Professor Bill Borderline-Spectrum.

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And I'm Dr Fiona Firmly-Spectrum.

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Today we are going to be looking at one of the most exciting things in the world...

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Or, as we prefer to say...

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L-bar gamma to the mu

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times the quantity I-delta sub-mu minus one-half G...

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tau.W sub-mu minus one-half G,

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prime YB sub-mu times L plus R-bar gamma to the mu

0:13:240:13:29

times the quantity I-delta sub-mu minus one half G

0:13:290:13:34

prime YB sub-mu times R.

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HE MUTTERS INCOHERENTLY

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# Sport, sport, I like sport

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# Running and jumping I'm a physical sort. #

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-Sport, sport,

-I

-like sport.

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Running and jumping - I'M a physical sort.

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But Attenborough wasn't.

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He liked sport, sport, he liked sport -

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but of the sitting around, drinking beer and smoking fags sort.

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Snooker.

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But snooker came with a problem that almost snookered BBC Two.

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COMMENTATOR: And in goes the darkish-grey ball,

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nicely into the centre pocket.

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So here's the choice - the lightish grey ball into the bottom corner

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or the darker light-grey ball into the centre.

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Darker light-grey ball into centre.

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Narrowly missing the lighter darker-light-grey ball.

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For Attenborough, it couldn't carry on.

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On July the 1st 1967, BBC Two got colourful.

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And so did snooker.

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JAUNTY MUSIC PLAYS

0:14:390:14:42

COMMENTATOR: Ray Spencer reacts by rubbing his upper lip.

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What a colourful character. COMMENTATOR CHUCKLES

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What a tremendous personality.

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Now he's chuckled. COMMENTATOR CHUCKLES

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Here comes the Hurricane. Will it be the yellow or the brown?

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He's gone for them both. COMMENTATOR CHUCKLES

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Oops. COMMENTATOR CHUCKLES

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What's he going to do with the white?

0:15:070:15:10

Up it goes. What a super hit.

0:15:100:15:12

COMMENTATOR CHUCKLES What a great sequence of shots!

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Colour television brought with it endless possibilities

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for grand documentaries.

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And there was none more grand than Jacob Bronowski's epic series...

0:15:260:15:29

I'm rather a long way away from you.

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Now I am much closer.

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Now you can observe with clarity the riot of beige

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which is my jacket, shirt and tie.

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Now I am on top of this hillock.

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How did I get here? It's a mystery.

0:15:490:15:52

Now I am much, much closer - almost too close for comfort.

0:15:520:15:56

When one thinks of David Attenborough,

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one thinks of animals dying.

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-'Buffalo.'

-Fuck!

0:16:020:16:04

-'Zebras.'

-Oh, fuck!

0:16:040:16:06

-'Pythons.'

-Fuck!

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And Monty Pythons.

0:16:080:16:10

After three series on BBC One,

0:16:100:16:12

Attenborough brought them to his channel

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to bear witness to their televisual death throes.

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Hello, I'd like to buy one, please.

0:16:180:16:21

-I'm very sorry - we haven't got any.

-Now look 'ere, Miss.

0:16:210:16:24

-Is this going to be a very long sketch?

-Oh, yes.

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You see, I'd already been to see the BBC Two people and I'd said,

0:16:270:16:33

"I'm not going to do any more Monty Python,

0:16:330:16:36

"and cos I'm much, much funnier than all the others

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"and much, much more popular, you'd better cancel it."

0:16:390:16:44

And they said "John, we disagree."

0:16:440:16:47

WHEEZY LAUGH

0:16:470:16:49

Ha! I mean, the arrogance of these people!

0:16:490:16:53

-So, just how long is this sketch going to be, then?

-Very long indeed.

0:16:530:16:57

And even when it's eventually ended,

0:16:570:16:59

we'll continue to reprise it throughout the rest of the show...

0:16:590:17:02

Oh, Gawd!

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..before reviving it every decade for the next half century...

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-Oh, Gawd!

-..when it is definitely past its sell-by date.

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-Oh, Gawd!

-When it is a dead sketch.

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-Oh, Gawd!

-When it is pushing up daisies.

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Oh, Gawd! No, sorry, I like that bit - do carry on.

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When it has shuffled off this mortal coil.

0:17:170:17:19

Oh, that was brilliant.

0:17:190:17:20

When it has run down the curtain and joined the choir invisible!

0:17:200:17:24

I never wanted to do this in the first place.

0:17:240:17:27

I... I wanted to be...

0:17:270:17:29

a travel-show presenter!

0:17:290:17:32

It was the end of Python.

0:17:320:17:34

Palin wanted to travel the world.

0:17:340:17:37

# I'll put on linen clothing

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# And hang around in bazaars. #

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LOCALS: Hang around in bazaars?!

0:17:420:17:45

John Cheese-Shop-Sketch yearned for more sophisticated comedy.

0:17:450:17:50

Come here, you stupid racial stereotype.

0:17:500:17:52

I from Barcelona - I know nothing!

0:17:520:17:55

-Ah!

-Sorry about that.

0:17:560:17:59

And the only female Python, Cherri Jones...

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Ooh, I'm gonna bash your brains out.

0:18:020:18:05

..had a sex change and became a man.

0:18:050:18:07

They put these testicles where my vagina used to be,

0:18:070:18:11

and rather a small cock.

0:18:110:18:13

It's the 1970s and time for the new channel to get serious.

0:18:170:18:23

Dramatically serious.

0:18:230:18:25

About drama.

0:18:250:18:26

I remember very, very clearly that I was pissed the whole time.

0:18:260:18:30

I don't remember anything.

0:18:300:18:32

But I was there!

0:18:330:18:35

I decided to commission a high-quality classical piece

0:18:350:18:37

and for that I required the best classical actors in the country.

0:18:370:18:40

I saw Ian McKellen. He was a lovely boy but he just wasn't right.

0:18:400:18:44

And I saw Alan Rickman and he was a lovely, lovely boy

0:18:440:18:47

but he just wasn't right.

0:18:470:18:48

And I saw Derek Jacobi and I thought,

0:18:480:18:50

"What a lovely boy. Lovely, lovely, lovely boy."

0:18:500:18:53

We had this wonderful chap playing Caesar - what was his name again?

0:18:530:18:57

Lionel Lovely, Simon Super? No, no, no - Brian Blessed!

0:18:570:19:00

I was there.

0:19:000:19:01

The result of this collaboration?

0:19:010:19:03

One Clavdivs.

0:19:030:19:05

One Clavdivs.

0:19:050:19:06

One Clavdivs.

0:19:060:19:07

'Rome was fast falling into parlousness.

0:19:180:19:22

'All the men were acting their sandals off -

0:19:220:19:26

'yet still they introduced all manner of actory business.'

0:19:260:19:31

I do like your eye make-up, my dear Empress Marc Bolana.

0:19:310:19:36

It is predicted by the high priests of Jupiter that one day all girls

0:19:360:19:40

shall have make up like this in the 1970s, on Top Of The Pops.

0:19:400:19:44

It suits you merrily, merrily.

0:19:440:19:46

Father, I come to warn you of my brother, Baftus Nomination.

0:19:460:19:51

Out! I will not hear of it!

0:19:510:19:54

Baftus Nomination is a fine boy,

0:19:540:19:56

trained by Radus in all things flourishy.

0:19:560:20:00

My brother schemes behind your back.

0:20:000:20:02

He will poison you and put me to the slaughter and claim Rome as his own.

0:20:020:20:06

Oh, calm down, Actus Tremendous.

0:20:060:20:09

He is in league with my sister Whatta Scorcia!

0:20:090:20:13

Do not hate Whatta Scorcia - she is indeed your sister.

0:20:130:20:18

Go to her bed and make love to her.

0:20:180:20:20

That I shall.

0:20:200:20:22

And presently shall I tear our unborn foetus from her womb

0:20:220:20:26

and eat it in bloody fashion.

0:20:260:20:29

Ooh, he's a very odd ball.

0:20:300:20:32

There is a delegation from Palestine to see you, Caesar.

0:20:340:20:39

From a new religion called the C-C-Christians.

0:20:390:20:43

Show them in!

0:20:430:20:44

Blessed be the Brian, for he hath a loud and warming voice.

0:20:480:20:53

Yes, yes, I'm very pleased with you. I will give you lands.

0:20:530:20:57

Where is my Governor of Palestine - Pontius Pilates?

0:20:570:21:01

Ooh, yes, I'm just finishing a class.

0:21:030:21:06

Cat stretch, girls!

0:21:060:21:08

Ooh, yes.

0:21:080:21:10

Ooh, I can smell it from here.

0:21:100:21:12

He's also a very odd ball.

0:21:120:21:14

Ooh!

0:21:140:21:15

One Clavdivs was hugely popular.

0:21:150:21:18

But was that what BBC Two was really about?

0:21:180:21:21

Shouldn't BBC Two be just a bit boring?

0:21:210:21:24

Well, the BBC music department was very powerful.

0:21:250:21:29

The music industry had to take us very seriously.

0:21:290:21:32

And so when they came to us and said,

0:21:320:21:35

"Can we have a vibrant, happening, groovy show for BBC Two,"

0:21:350:21:41

I said, "No.

0:21:410:21:43

"I want something dull."

0:21:440:21:46

HE MUMBLES INDISTINCTLY IN HUSHED TONES

0:21:530:21:57

My highlight was when the lead guitarist

0:21:590:22:02

of the prog-rock group Aeon

0:22:020:22:05

died on stage of boredom.

0:22:050:22:07

GUITAR RIFF PLAYS

0:22:070:22:10

And by the time the drummer had pretty much finished his solo,

0:22:140:22:19

the guitarist had completely decomposed.

0:22:190:22:22

It was one of those shows that was wonderful and super

0:22:250:22:27

at the same time. Absolutely wonderful and totally super.

0:22:270:22:31

As the '70s wore on, rumours of a culture of sexual depravity

0:22:310:22:36

at Television Centre began to circulate.

0:22:360:22:39

It was decided to tackle this potential time bomb head on,

0:22:390:22:43

on prime-time BBC Two.

0:22:430:22:46

Hello and welcome to a show which could quite easily be called Would I Lie To You?,

0:22:460:22:51

will soon to be known as Call My Bluff

0:22:510:22:54

and is currently entitled Speech Impediment.

0:22:540:22:58

And we like it that way.

0:22:580:23:00

And our first word is...

0:23:000:23:01

..paedophile.

0:23:030:23:04

Frank, what is a paedophile?

0:23:040:23:06

Well, a pae-do-pa-hilly,

0:23:060:23:10

a fruh, a fruh-fruh fruh-fruh.

0:23:100:23:14

Frank thinks it's a type of chocolate bar

0:23:140:23:16

made of nuts and fruit. Is he right, Patrick?

0:23:160:23:19

-A...

-INCOHERENT POPPING

0:23:190:23:22

..toes.

0:23:240:23:26

Patrick says it's a type of instrument

0:23:260:23:28

for scraping the dead skin off your feet. Derek?

0:23:280:23:32

Pee-pa-pa-pe-pe, pee-pa-pa-pa, poh.

0:23:320:23:34

Or is it, as Derek suggests,

0:23:340:23:36

a ceremonial dress worn by German women on Maundy Thursday?

0:23:360:23:41

And the answer is...

0:23:410:23:43

Well, you're all wrong

0:23:440:23:46

because there's no such thing as a paedophile. APPLAUSE

0:23:460:23:50

Britain was changing.

0:23:520:23:53

There was strife, unemployment and nationwide grumpiness.

0:23:530:23:57

And BBC Two drama was to reflect the new puritanism.

0:23:570:24:01

I wanted to make a drama about the poor darling

0:24:010:24:04

Northern working classes, who had been thrown onto the dole

0:24:040:24:06

by Margaret Thatcher.

0:24:060:24:08

And I couldn't find a single person from Oxford or Cambridge in the BBC bar who was prepared to write it.

0:24:080:24:13

'Man Alive happened to be making a documentary at the time'

0:24:130:24:16

about how marvellous I was, er,

0:24:160:24:17

which I'd commissioned, when this chap burst into my office.

0:24:170:24:20

-SCOUSE:

-All right, mate, go on, gizza job, mate.

0:24:200:24:22

I could write that drama. Go on, gizza job, mate, gizza job!

0:24:220:24:25

Were you at Oxford? Or Camb...

0:24:250:24:28

He was a funny, angry little creature. I rather liked him.

0:24:280:24:30

He was a lovely boy.

0:24:300:24:32

I'm not'n, Beryl. My life is not'n.

0:24:360:24:40

Oh, yeah, great joke, God.

0:24:400:24:42

"Here's Michael, he's not'n."

0:24:420:24:45

You've done your best, Michael. What more can you do? Not'n.

0:24:450:24:48

Me best's not'n.

0:24:480:24:49

When I'm dead, you know what me gravestone's going to say?

0:24:490:24:53

"Here lies not'n. Dust to dust, not'n to not'n."

0:24:530:24:57

And you know why, Beryl? You want to know why?

0:24:570:25:00

Don't, Michael.

0:25:000:25:01

Because I haven't got a catch phrase.

0:25:010:25:05

And without a catch phrase,

0:25:050:25:07

you're not'n in Maggie Thatcher's broken Britain.

0:25:070:25:11

What you doing, Michael? Sitting on the settee, eh?

0:25:130:25:15

I could do that. Gizza job sitting on the settee, eh?

0:25:150:25:18

Hey! Not now, Yosser.

0:25:180:25:20

Gizza job, Beryl.

0:25:200:25:22

All right, Yosser, calm down, calm down!

0:25:220:25:25

Calm down! Calm down!

0:25:250:25:27

All right, calm down!

0:25:270:25:28

-Eh! Eh! Calm down.

-Calm down.

-All right.

0:25:280:25:31

Boys From The Blackstuff was the right stuff for the viewer,

0:25:310:25:35

but the wrong stuff for the Conservative government.

0:25:350:25:38

It was furious.

0:25:380:25:39

Its anger was vented by a young MP called John Major.

0:25:390:25:44

The British people don't wunt programmes like this.

0:25:440:25:47

They wunt programmes without bias.

0:25:470:25:50

They wunt fairness, they wunt to say,

0:25:500:25:52

"We wunt our old BBC back, and we wunt it now".

0:25:520:25:56

It's not "wunt", you complete rhymes-with-wunt.

0:25:560:26:00

The BBC was being crucified.

0:26:000:26:02

It agreed to make a drama that would balance Boys From The Blackstuff.

0:26:040:26:08

But who would write it?

0:26:080:26:09

I could do that. Gizza job, go on.

0:26:090:26:11

MUSIC: JAUNTY RENDITION OF "Land Of Hope And Glory"

0:26:130:26:16

Hey, all right, Michael?

0:26:180:26:20

All right, Yosser? What are you doing on that thing?

0:26:200:26:22

I got on my bike and started looking for work

0:26:220:26:25

like Norman Tebbit told us to.

0:26:250:26:26

He's a top man, that Tebbit.

0:26:260:26:28

-BOTH:

-Tories! Tories! Tories! Five more years!

0:26:280:26:33

Hey, have you seen Sid?

0:26:330:26:35

I have - he told me the good old Tories and Maggie Thatcher are privatising British Gas!

0:26:350:26:41

I fuckin' love the Tories.

0:26:410:26:43

I've gone and got meself some shares!

0:26:430:26:46

Gizza hob. Come 'ead, gizza hob, eh?

0:26:500:26:53

-All right, calm down!

-Eh? Come 'ead, gizza hob, eh?

0:26:530:26:56

-Eh?

-Eh?

-Eh?

0:26:560:26:57

-Eh, eh, eh.

-All right? Eh, eh, eh.

0:26:570:27:00

I think BBC Two had an ambivalence towards Mrs Thatcher.

0:27:000:27:04

Sometimes it found her frustrating

0:27:040:27:06

a-a-and sometimes quite sexy.

0:27:060:27:08

'Tonight on 40 Minutes...

0:27:090:27:11

'Margaret Thatcher - is she sexy?'

0:27:110:27:14

Good morning, John.

0:27:140:27:15

.."goose fat," and he said, "I know, madam."

0:27:150:27:18

Margaret was never the easiest person to get on with in cabinet,

0:27:180:27:23

but there was something about her.

0:27:230:27:25

We remember Geoffrey coming to see us one day,

0:27:250:27:27

with a policy that we didn't much care for.

0:27:270:27:30

And I said, "Please, Margaret."

0:27:300:27:32

And we said, "No, Geoffrey, no."

0:27:320:27:34

She was a very sexy woman - I remember going to her.

0:27:340:27:38

And we remember Nigel came to see us and he said,

0:27:380:27:42

"You must, Prime Minister, I insist."

0:27:420:27:44

I was very insistent.

0:27:440:27:46

And we said, "No, Nigel, no!"

0:27:460:27:48

I said, "Margaret, please."

0:27:480:27:51

And we said "No, Geoffrey! No!"

0:27:510:27:54

I said, "Margaret, please listen."

0:27:540:27:57

And we said "No, Nigel, we will not listen!"

0:27:570:28:00

I said, "Margaret, I'm pleading with you on bended knee, you mad..."

0:28:000:28:04

"..power-crazed bint."

0:28:040:28:06

And we said, "No, Geoffrey! No!"

0:28:060:28:09

I said, "Margaret, just listen for one minute, you completely..."

0:28:090:28:13

"..deranged old boot."

0:28:130:28:15

I said, "Margaret."

0:28:150:28:16

We said, "No, Nigel, no!

0:28:160:28:19

"Bad dog, Nigel!

0:28:190:28:21

"No, no, no. You bad dog!"

0:28:210:28:24

And I found myself on all fours in front of her,

0:28:240:28:27

and she literally trampled me underfoot.

0:28:270:28:30

And we remember very clearly that Nigel was very cross.

0:28:300:28:34

It was really quite erotic.

0:28:340:28:36

But life under the Tories wasn't all doom and gloom.

0:28:360:28:40

There was also fun to be had.

0:28:400:28:42

..thinks about, talks about. You ask him what he's doing!

0:28:420:28:44

Give yourself...

0:28:440:28:46

I'd like to buy a dead parrot, please.

0:28:480:28:51

I don't want to be a shop keeper - I want to be a travel host.

0:28:510:28:55

Comedy is an incredibly serious business.

0:28:570:29:00

Anyone who tells you otherwise

0:29:000:29:02

simply isn't taking it seriously enough.

0:29:020:29:04

Rowan Atkinson's probably the most serious person who's ever been born,

0:29:040:29:08

ergo he's the funniest.

0:29:080:29:10

-Lump? Thistle? Blurt?

-'I think it's fair to say that every single word that Rowan says is funny.'

0:29:100:29:16

-Hooligan?

-LAUGHTER

0:29:160:29:18

-Nubble?

-LAUGHTER

0:29:180:29:21

-Wastepaper basket?

-LAUGHTER

0:29:210:29:23

I put Rowan together with the cleverest man in the world, Stephen Fry.

0:29:230:29:27

Stephen, of course, invented adult humour.

0:29:270:29:29

-Bum chums and willy biscuits.

-LAUGHTER

0:29:290:29:32

-Ladies, wee-wees, and poo-poos.

-LAUGHTER

0:29:320:29:35

-Gentlemen's diarrhoea.

-LAUGHTER

0:29:360:29:39

So we did a pilot of Blackadder for BBC Two.

0:29:390:29:42

It was just dynamite.

0:29:420:29:44

Button up your botty hole, Blackadder.

0:29:440:29:46

Here comes the new king.

0:29:460:29:48

Top blimmin' hurrahs, Blackadder!

0:29:480:29:50

Congratulations on being crowned King Edward VIII,

0:29:500:29:54

King Edward VIII.

0:29:540:29:56

This is my new totty, Mrs Simpson. She's a bloomin' yank!

0:29:560:30:01

I'm gonna be Queen of England!

0:30:010:30:03

Bum-trouseringly good news, eh, Blackadder?

0:30:030:30:08

Although personally, I'd prefer Bertrand Russell's

0:30:080:30:12

bloated boil-faced brother became betrothed to your Royal Bigness.

0:30:120:30:17

Yee whizz and pooey!

0:30:170:30:20

Have you met my new prime minister, Sir Stanley Baldrick?

0:30:200:30:24

Hello, Blackadder.

0:30:240:30:26

Bloody hell.

0:30:270:30:29

Botty-boiled bastard!

0:30:290:30:31

Ah, General Disaster!

0:30:320:30:35

What news, General Disaster?

0:30:370:30:40

Bad news, I'm afraid, Lord Melchett.

0:30:420:30:44

One - I've cut my finger.

0:30:440:30:47

You bloody disaster.

0:30:470:30:49

And two - Hitler has invaded the Rhineland.

0:30:540:30:57

-Top bloody hurrahs and all that.

-Ha-ha-ha-ha.

0:30:570:31:01

-Pooey!

-Bum.

0:31:010:31:03

Balderdash and big bugger burps, Blackadder.

0:31:030:31:05

It was a wonderful show. Absolutely super.

0:31:080:31:11

It was one of those shows that was

0:31:110:31:13

wonderful and super at the same time.

0:31:130:31:16

Absolutely wonderful and totally super.

0:31:160:31:19

Historical comedy there might be,

0:31:220:31:24

but there was also room for history to be dramatic.

0:31:240:31:27

LEEDS ACCENT: It's snowing again.

0:31:340:31:36

It's always snowing in Moscow at this time of year.

0:31:360:31:38

I can see Comrade Milankova down by the statue of me.

0:31:400:31:43

She's a widow, Comrade Milankova. Her husband died of natural causes -

0:31:440:31:49

which is not at all natural in Moscow at the moment,

0:31:490:31:52

if you get me drift.

0:31:520:31:54

I can't seem to stop having people bumped off.

0:31:540:31:57

I call it me urge to purge.

0:31:570:32:00

'Ere comes trouble.

0:32:010:32:03

Comrade Jim Broadbentovich.

0:32:040:32:07

-Hello, Stalin.

-How are you?

0:32:070:32:09

Very well, thank you. Yep.

0:32:090:32:11

How's the five-year plan going?

0:32:110:32:13

I'm afraid it's failed. So I suppose that's curtains for me.

0:32:130:32:17

Well, you can have these ones if you like.

0:32:170:32:19

Very kind of you.

0:32:190:32:21

I thought I might go for chintz - it's nice and cheery.

0:32:210:32:24

What do you think?

0:32:240:32:26

Brighten the place up a bit, wouldn't they, Stalin?

0:32:260:32:29

I'm having him shot later. It's a shame, really.

0:32:290:32:32

He's a nice man.

0:32:320:32:33

Now history began to happen before our very eyes.

0:32:340:32:38

The Cold War ended, the Wall came down,

0:32:380:32:41

and for BBC Two trouble was brewing -

0:32:410:32:44

in not one, two, three

0:32:440:32:46

but 4-form.

0:32:460:32:48

The new channel was young, anti-establishment,

0:32:480:32:50

and it wanted to shaft BBC Two.

0:32:500:32:53

Up the arse.

0:32:530:32:54

SQUEAKING AND WAILING

0:32:540:32:56

It was time to change or be buggered.

0:32:560:32:59

And change came in the form of a new controller.

0:32:590:33:02

And his name was Yentob.

0:33:020:33:05

-VERY DEEP VOICE:

-I made Citizen Kane.

0:33:100:33:12

HE CAWS

0:33:120:33:14

Orson! Oh, Orson! Yentob Orson friend.

0:33:140:33:19

ORSON GRUNTS, YENTOB TRILLS

0:33:190:33:22

Yentob may have had an arts background

0:33:220:33:25

but he could see that Channel 4 was dumbing down fast

0:33:250:33:28

and he wanted a piece of the action.

0:33:280:33:30

Yentob in turmoil! Yentob...

0:33:300:33:34

He needed a man with the skill to dumb down an entire channel.

0:33:340:33:37

And he found him.

0:33:370:33:38

Albus Dumbledowne.

0:33:400:33:42

Yentob see salvation!

0:33:420:33:45

These red leather seats are really quite cosseting.

0:33:480:33:51

Be vulgar, Jeremy! Be mockney!

0:33:510:33:57

-EXAGGERATED ACCENT:

-Oh, my God. I feel like...

0:33:570:34:01

..I'm in a vagina.

0:34:020:34:04

Mm.

0:34:040:34:05

I'm a dildo!

0:34:070:34:09

Yentob brought in this ghastly new head of comedy, Paul Someone.

0:34:090:34:12

He was a horrid little man.

0:34:120:34:14

I didn't want all that elitist Oxbridge crap -

0:34:140:34:16

I wanted alternative comedy. Edgy comedy, full of edge and edginess

0:34:160:34:19

by working-middle-class people who failed to get into Oxbridge.

0:34:190:34:22

Ah! Here!

0:34:220:34:24

Aargh!

0:34:240:34:28

Hur-hur-hur.

0:34:280:34:29

-Ha-ha!

-Ah.

0:34:290:34:32

Oh shut up, Neil!

0:34:320:34:34

Ow.

0:34:370:34:38

Where's Mike?

0:34:380:34:40

Hey! It's cool out there - and so am I.

0:34:400:34:44

WIND BLOWS

0:34:440:34:47

Somebody hit someone, for God's sake.

0:34:470:34:49

Ha-ha! Ha-ha!

0:34:490:34:52

It was all edgy comedy then. Just edge.

0:34:530:34:56

No side, no top, no bottom, no back, no front - just edge, edge, edge.

0:34:560:34:59

Would you like to suck my lollipop?

0:34:590:35:02

Ooh, you are awful but I like you,

0:35:020:35:05

young man!

0:35:050:35:06

Young man!

0:35:080:35:09

Yentob was successful in his quest

0:35:110:35:14

to beat Channel 4 at its own moronic game.

0:35:140:35:16

But he was uneasy, agitated, distressed.

0:35:170:35:22

Yentob unhappy. High culture he crave.

0:35:220:35:27

And who, from the world of high culture,

0:35:270:35:30

exiled to America and rejected there, was as alienated as Yentob?

0:35:300:35:34

Mr Potter!

0:35:340:35:36

Yes! Only Mr Potter can make Yentob happy!

0:35:360:35:42

Yes! Yes!

0:35:420:35:44

'He's the one. Yes. Him.

0:36:010:36:04

'I choose him.'

0:36:040:36:06

-Oh!

-Oh!

0:36:130:36:15

Oh, I'm sorry. I do beg your pardon. Oh, I say!

0:36:150:36:19

-How are you?

-Er, do I...?

0:36:190:36:21

-Yes! Last week - you remember!

-Yes, of course.

0:36:210:36:25

And now it's today! So you must be on your way to...

0:36:250:36:29

-The rehearsals.

-Yes. For the play, isn't it?

0:36:290:36:32

The television play.

0:36:320:36:34

Yes, the one that I wrote! I'll come with you. Come along.

0:36:340:36:37

Are we still rehearsing in the...

0:36:370:36:39

-The hospital? Yes.

-Yes.

0:36:390:36:42

POTTER CACKLES

0:36:420:36:45

Stop it. What are you doing?

0:36:500:36:53

What are you doing to our Mary?

0:36:530:36:56

I saw something. Something in the woods.

0:36:560:36:58

Our Mary Whitehouse being porked.

0:36:580:37:01

Right in her Forest of Dean.

0:37:010:37:03

Look at your face!

0:37:030:37:05

I've got cornflake eczema.

0:37:050:37:08

And I've got Rice Krispie psoriasis.

0:37:090:37:12

What's to be done?

0:37:120:37:14

Maybe we could do something weird, like mime along to an old song.

0:37:140:37:17

-RECORDING:

-# Good mornin', skin game

0:37:170:37:20

# Hollerin' skin game, please last

0:37:210:37:25

# Good mornin', skin game

0:37:260:37:29

# Hollerin' skin game, please last

0:37:290:37:33

# I done staked my man to win

0:37:370:37:40

# And I hope my money will pass. #

0:37:400:37:44

Well, that didn't work, did it, Potter?

0:37:470:37:49

Maybe my nephew can help.

0:37:490:37:52

Skin complaintus, disappearus.

0:37:520:37:54

Is he simple?

0:37:560:37:57

There's something mouldy on your foot.

0:37:570:38:00

It's a wart.

0:38:000:38:01

That is the lord of all mouldy warts.

0:38:010:38:05

Lord Mouldy Wart killed my parents!

0:38:060:38:08

Oh, Jesus Christ. Will my career come to this?

0:38:080:38:13

HE CHUCKLES You sold your soul, Michael!

0:38:130:38:15

HE CACKLES

0:38:170:38:19

Right, Mr Singsong. It's time for me to grease up your winky.

0:38:210:38:25

Oh, God.

0:38:250:38:26

I had absolutely no idea what was going on at the time

0:38:270:38:31

but it was bloody marvellous.

0:38:310:38:33

Yentob had done all he could for the channel.

0:38:330:38:36

It was time for him to move on.

0:38:360:38:38

The new controller was his disciple - Michael Jackson.

0:38:380:38:42

What kind of programmes do you want to commission?

0:38:420:38:44

What about current affairs?

0:38:440:38:46

I want a sketch show that's very, very fast.

0:38:460:38:49

This week I are bein' mostly in 'Arry Potter.

0:38:520:38:56

The trouble with you lot is you can't act.

0:39:010:39:04

I'll get me cloak.

0:39:080:39:10

Harry Emery.

0:39:140:39:15

-Enfield.

-Same thing. Why weren't you in The Fast Show?

0:39:150:39:20

-Oh, well...

-Paul Whitehouse and Charlie Higson were in your show.

0:39:200:39:23

-Why weren't you in theirs?

-Well, I didn't really want to be, so...

0:39:230:39:26

-Did they ever ask you?

-No.

0:39:260:39:27

Were you disappointed by the lack of BAFTAs that your show got?

0:39:270:39:32

Not at all, no. I never really think about awards.

0:39:320:39:35

And The Fast Show got...how many?

0:39:350:39:37

I've no idea. Four.

0:39:370:39:38

Four. And your show got...?

0:39:380:39:40

-None.

-Does that bother you?

0:39:400:39:42

Fast Show - four. Your show, Harry Enfield and Chums...

0:39:430:39:48

You changed the name - Harry Enfield's Television Programme.

0:39:480:39:51

Still no awards.

0:39:510:39:53

Honestly, not a problem.

0:39:530:39:55

No bitterness?

0:39:560:39:57

None whatsoever. I'm extremely proud of my show.

0:39:570:40:01

BAFTA wasn't. Great to speak to you.

0:40:010:40:03

There were storm clouds brewing.

0:40:050:40:08

A new man had taken charge of the whole BBC.

0:40:080:40:11

And his name was Burt. Burt John.

0:40:110:40:15

Burt John wasn't really a BBC man at all.

0:40:150:40:18

I mean, he gathered us together and gave some funny little speech

0:40:180:40:21

about something called value for money.

0:40:210:40:23

I didn't really understand a word - but I was there!

0:40:230:40:26

It seemed to mean getting rid of the subsidy in the BBC bar.

0:40:260:40:29

And I was very much there.

0:40:290:40:31

Well, it's very difficult, you know, to come up with wonderful ideas

0:40:310:40:35

that the nation will take completely to their hearts

0:40:350:40:37

unless one's somewhat sozzled!

0:40:370:40:40

Er, no...

0:40:400:40:42

Burt John was a total cu...

0:40:430:40:45

He brought in a woman to run BBC Two.

0:40:450:40:49

That woman was Jane Brute.

0:40:490:40:52

And she wanted women.

0:40:520:40:54

I wanted Robert Robinson to front the new quiz show.

0:40:540:40:57

But the woman in charge wanted a woman.

0:40:570:41:00

So we used Robert's daughter.

0:41:000:41:02

Welcome to Is Your Child An Idiot?

0:41:020:41:05

Tonight, who is our idiot?

0:41:050:41:08

Is it you, Susan?

0:41:080:41:10

Or is it Andrew?

0:41:100:41:12

Or perhaps it's Simon.

0:41:120:41:15

Or quite possibly Sally.

0:41:150:41:17

What is the Latin name of the rice-field rat?

0:41:190:41:21

Rattus argentiventer.

0:41:210:41:24

What was the name of the General

0:41:240:41:26

who led the ANZAC troops in the First World War?

0:41:260:41:29

William Birdwood.

0:41:310:41:33

RMS Lusitania, torpedoed and sunk by the Germans in 1915,

0:41:330:41:38

was designed by who?

0:41:380:41:40

Leonard Peskett. Bank!

0:41:400:41:43

Who was the Secretary General

0:41:430:41:45

of the Hungarian Communist government from 1949 to 1956?

0:41:450:41:49

-Enver Hoxha.

-BUZZER

0:41:490:41:51

Oops. Oh, dear.

0:41:510:41:55

And at the end of that round...

0:41:550:41:57

Sally, you think Hungary and Albania are the same, do you?

0:41:570:42:02

The Hungarian dictator was...

0:42:030:42:06

Matyas Rakosi.

0:42:060:42:07

Knowing the answer now doesn't make you any less of a moronic buffoon,

0:42:070:42:12

any less of a cretinous dolt.

0:42:120:42:16

Sally, you are an idiot. Goodbye.

0:42:170:42:21

A new decade dawned.

0:42:250:42:28

With comedy.

0:42:280:42:30

With Dawn.

0:42:300:42:31

Kertanger.

0:42:470:42:48

I like shagging, dead people...

0:42:500:42:53

don't like shagging... cos they're dead, yeah?

0:42:530:42:57

I like shagging dead people.

0:42:570:43:00

Look from Dawn.

0:43:000:43:02

Joke!

0:43:030:43:04

I most certainly do NOT like shagging dead people.

0:43:040:43:07

Obviously.

0:43:070:43:09

Only done it once. It was impersonal.

0:43:090:43:12

Look from Hobbit.

0:43:120:43:14

Dawn.

0:43:150:43:16

Hobbit.

0:43:180:43:19

As the noughties dragged on, a new threat loomed.

0:43:210:43:24

Recession. Money was tight.

0:43:240:43:27

It was time for BBC Two to make programmes

0:43:270:43:31

about nothing at all.

0:43:310:43:33

Grumpy Old Bores are minor celebrities with absolutely

0:43:330:43:36

nothing interesting to say about how there's too much plastic packaging.

0:43:360:43:40

I find plastic packaging terribly difficult to open.

0:43:400:43:43

And you always have to pop all the bubbles on bubble wrap -

0:43:430:43:46

it's quite addictive.

0:43:460:43:48

I mean, what's going on?

0:43:480:43:49

You go to buy a cucumber and it's covered in a condom!

0:43:490:43:51

HE CHUCKLES

0:43:510:43:53

And you end up slashing at the plastic packaging with a knife

0:43:530:43:58

and you cut your bleedin' finger.

0:43:580:44:01

Sometimes it takes my servants hours to get the packaging off

0:44:010:44:04

the many important things that arrive for me every day,

0:44:040:44:07

which, er... which makes me quite grumpy. Grr!

0:44:070:44:10

I mean, all this plastic packaging's a pain in the arse, innit?

0:44:100:44:13

Grumpy old bores will say obvious things about anything for the money.

0:44:130:44:17

Now talk about reading glasses.

0:44:170:44:20

They make you look like you've got four eyes.

0:44:200:44:23

What's wrong with contact lenses?

0:44:230:44:25

Contact lenses.

0:44:250:44:27

They're so hard to get in your eyes. Laser surgery's the thing.

0:44:270:44:33

And just when you've had enough of Grumpy Old Bores,

0:44:330:44:36

they bring on Grumpy Old Bags.

0:44:360:44:38

I mean, why do we even need this World Wide Web anyway?

0:44:380:44:43

And they won't even take money on the buses any more.

0:44:430:44:46

You have to have... a Scallop card, is it?

0:44:460:44:48

SHE GRUNTS

0:44:480:44:50

And my grandson - he's always...

0:44:500:44:51

If BBC Two was hitting the depths, it didn't want you to think so.

0:44:510:44:55

In came a late-night arts show.

0:44:570:45:00

It was to be more of a pseudo-intellectual snack

0:45:000:45:03

than a delicious donnish dinner.

0:45:030:45:05

It was dark, bitter and thinly spread -

0:45:050:45:09

Smarmnite.

0:45:090:45:11

Hello, I'm Mark Egghead. This week - meh-meh-eew! - The X Factor.

0:45:110:45:15

Meh-meh-meh. Simon Cowell et al.

0:45:150:45:19

-David Ponse.

-Well, I've never actually eurgh The X Factor.

0:45:190:45:22

I've never eurgh Simon Cowell

0:45:220:45:23

and I've certainly never eurgh Louis Walsh.

0:45:230:45:25

-It was a solid...

-Please, let me finish. And I hope I'm spared any more of this lamentable eurgh.

0:45:250:45:30

-Well, the minor...

-Paul Poorly.

0:45:300:45:33

Betrayal of working class, bread and dripping, Ian Curtis.

0:45:330:45:36

-Tom Appalling?

-Well, I rather liked it.

0:45:360:45:39

-Ugh!

-But surely - meh-meh-meh -

0:45:390:45:42

Sharon Osbourne and - meh-meh-meh - Louis Walsh.

0:45:420:45:45

Mah-ma-ma-ma-mah, ma-ma-ma-mah...

0:45:450:45:48

BBC Two was fast running out of viewers - and money.

0:45:510:45:54

To solve this problem would take all the brainiest brains

0:45:540:45:57

of the BBC's brightest brains.

0:45:570:46:00

This channel needs stars. Stars cost money.

0:46:000:46:03

We need stars that don't cost money. Pipes in. Pencils out.

0:46:030:46:07

I have the solution.

0:46:100:46:12

-Ordinary people.

-HE CLEARS THROAT

0:46:120:46:14

Psst! Are you still a communist?

0:46:140:46:17

-No.

-Nor am I.

0:46:170:46:19

I still am.

0:46:190:46:21

That's because you're a horrid little homosexual.

0:46:210:46:23

Gentlemen, I have calculated that

0:46:230:46:26

a famous person plus money equals a star.

0:46:260:46:31

I've checked your calculation - it's correct.

0:46:310:46:34

I have also calculated that a star is greater than...

0:46:340:46:39

an ordinary person.

0:46:390:46:41

If you take away money,

0:46:410:46:45

you have to cancel out the star.

0:46:450:46:48

But you are left with a famous person

0:46:480:46:52

who is greater than an ordinary person.

0:46:520:46:56

-Ah!

-Hmm.

0:46:560:46:59

I'm better than you.

0:47:070:47:09

Yes, Lord Sugar.

0:47:090:47:11

And I'm better than you.

0:47:110:47:13

Yes, Lord Sugar.

0:47:130:47:15

Look at my watch.

0:47:170:47:18

Have you got a watch as nice as this one?

0:47:180:47:20

I don't think so - I'm better than you.

0:47:200:47:23

Yes, Lord Sugar.

0:47:230:47:25

You haven't even got a watch - I'm better than you.

0:47:250:47:29

Yes, Lord Sugar.

0:47:290:47:31

I earn more money every year than you'll earn in your lives.

0:47:340:47:38

Because I'm better than you.

0:47:400:47:41

Yes, Lord Sugar.

0:47:410:47:43

And I'm better than you.

0:47:430:47:44

In due respect, Lord Sugar,

0:47:440:47:46

I-I feel in my gut of guts that I could be nearly as good as you...

0:47:460:47:49

but she's holding me back.

0:47:490:47:51

Oh, do you, now?

0:47:540:47:55

Well, let me tell you, Sonny Jim Boy With A Lot Of Glue In Your Hair,

0:47:550:47:59

you'll never be as good as me cos I'm better than you.

0:47:590:48:02

Yes, Lord Sugar.

0:48:020:48:04

-And I'm better than you.

-Oh, yes, Lord Sugar.

0:48:040:48:06

-Now, get out.

-Thank you very much, Lord Sugar.

-Thank you, Lord Sugar.

0:48:060:48:09

Simon is cooking for three very important people.

0:48:140:48:17

They're better chefs than Simon. They're better people than Simon.

0:48:170:48:21

They're all better than him.

0:48:210:48:23

You've got five minutes, Simon, and the clock's ticking.

0:48:310:48:34

Which means you've only got two minutes.

0:48:340:48:36

Time's money to them, Simon, and you've got just four minutes.

0:48:380:48:42

-Or 75p.

-Don't keep them waiting. They're better than you.

0:48:420:48:46

You've got 90 seconds left, Simon, and that's less than ten minutes.

0:48:470:48:51

This is no time to panic, mate, but hurry up!

0:48:510:48:54

Simon's got to give this meal 100% and if he doesn't - phew!

0:48:540:48:58

And I'm in a different room to you.

0:49:000:49:02

What do you think his chances are?

0:49:020:49:04

Exactly. I'm yellower than you.

0:49:040:49:07

Mmm, mmm. They do look absolutely marvellous.

0:49:100:49:14

Not a hint of a soggy bottom.

0:49:140:49:16

What a clever little ordinary person you are.

0:49:160:49:18

Wouldn't I make a wonderful queen?

0:49:180:49:21

And I'm better than you.

0:49:210:49:24

50 years ago, this cathedral of programme making

0:49:240:49:28

brought joy to the great unwashed.

0:49:280:49:31

I like television. I like Bruce Forsyth.

0:49:310:49:33

I like Doctor Who.

0:49:330:49:34

I like Coronation Street.

0:49:340:49:37

How different television looks today.

0:49:370:49:40

I like Bruce Forsyth.

0:49:400:49:42

I like Doctor Who.

0:49:420:49:43

I like Coronation Street.

0:49:430:49:45

BBC Two's contribution has been immeasurable.

0:49:450:49:49

I think the best show was entirely my idea,

0:49:490:49:53

made up entirely of live bands presented by Jools Holland -

0:49:530:49:59

and I cannot understand why it didn't work.

0:49:590:50:02

Ladies and gentlemen, a very warm welcome to Earlier with me, Jools Holland,

0:50:020:50:06

the only breakfast show, of course, with all live bands.

0:50:060:50:09

-And what a treat - Jeff Beck!

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:50:090:50:11

Jeff, perhaps if I could prod you awake, a little poke there.

0:50:110:50:16

No?

0:50:160:50:17

But never mind because in reserve it's Klaxons - that's right.

0:50:170:50:21

APPLAUSE

0:50:210:50:22

And no definite signs of life but never mind -

0:50:220:50:25

it's live TV, we move on.

0:50:250:50:27

Round here in a great sweep reminiscent of the Mississippi -

0:50:270:50:30

of course the Mississippi Delta, birthplace of the Blues -

0:50:300:50:33

to the wonderful, charming and wide-awake Damon Albarn.

0:50:330:50:36

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:50:360:50:38

Go away.

0:50:380:50:40

I'll keep that thought upmost in my mind

0:50:400:50:42

and as I come round here, I can see in the gloom

0:50:420:50:44

a friend of the show over in the corner - Rowland Rivron -

0:50:440:50:47

but first we must traverse the sleeping Chrissie Hynde,

0:50:470:50:51

-ladies and gentlemen. Sh.

-FAINT APPLAUSE

0:50:510:50:54

So I'm going to move here.

0:50:540:50:55

Come along, come along. And joy of joys - who's this here?

0:50:550:50:58

-It's Rowland Rivron, ladies and gentlemen.

-Hootenanny!

0:50:580:51:01

Yeah, and that, yes. I see you've brought your dog Rover Rivron.

0:51:010:51:04

Rover Rivron, ladies and gentlemen.

0:51:040:51:05

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-What type of dog is Rover Rivron, Rowland Rivron?

0:51:050:51:09

-He's a Yorkshire Terrier, Jools.

-That is quite fascinating and really much more reminiscent

0:51:090:51:13

of breakfast TV. Thank you very much.

0:51:130:51:15

I think in drama, I'm most excited about our new

0:51:150:51:17

Scandinavian series from the director of The Killing.

0:51:170:51:20

DOOR BELL RINGS

0:51:240:51:26

RINGING CONTINUES

0:51:290:51:31

MUSIC: OMINOUS VERSION OF "Pingu" THEME

0:51:310:51:33

HE SPEAKS SCANDINAVIAN-SOUNDING GIBBERISH

0:51:350:51:38

Waa-waa!

0:51:420:51:44

Waa-waa!

0:51:440:51:46

Waa-waa!

0:51:510:51:52

Waa-bla-bla.

0:52:110:52:13

Waa-waa!

0:52:210:52:22

DOOR BELL RINGS

0:52:350:52:37

SIREN WAILS

0:53:070:53:10

I think in comedy, the cheapest show -

0:53:280:53:31

I mean, the best show - has to be Panel Show.

0:53:310:53:34

Hello and welcome to Panel Show.

0:53:360:53:38

This week, I'm going to be sacked for shagging about.

0:53:380:53:42

And replaced by me.

0:53:430:53:45

Ian, for whom did everything go wrong this week?

0:53:460:53:49

The Government?

0:53:490:53:50

Is it Boris Johnson, tousle-haired shagger?

0:53:520:53:55

Boyish coy look.

0:53:560:53:58

I love Poundland and potatoes and I have periods.

0:53:580:54:01

Ha-ha-ha! Rude word!

0:54:010:54:03

What actually happened was the Government...

0:54:030:54:05

Is it a dolphin in a bathtub?

0:54:050:54:07

Er, wasn't it total cock-up? Er, the Government?

0:54:100:54:14

And the interesting thing about the Government

0:54:140:54:17

is it has 428 on each tentacle,

0:54:170:54:20

which allows it to eat its own regurgitated sick.

0:54:200:54:22

Alan, look like an overripe strawberry.

0:54:220:54:26

What did Ed Miliband this week?

0:54:280:54:29

Er, Ed Miliband, total cock-up?

0:54:290:54:32

I think what actually happened was Ed Miliband - bad misjudgement,

0:54:340:54:37

-which was amusing because...

-Is it a dolphin in a bath tub?

0:54:370:54:39

Russell. Oh, my God, the Daily Mail!

0:54:420:54:46

Oh, my God, the Daily Mail.

0:54:460:54:48

Oh, my God, the Daily Mail!

0:54:480:54:51

Oh, God, yeah, the Daily Mail.

0:54:510:54:53

Oh, my God, the Daily Mail!

0:54:530:54:56

Daily Mail, Boris Johnson, a couple of slappers.

0:54:560:54:59

Boyish coy look.

0:55:000:55:02

What actually happened was the Daily Mail, Boris Johnson,

0:55:020:55:05

-which...

-Is it a dolphin in a bathtub?

0:55:050:55:07

Oh, my God, the Daily Mail - total Nazis.

0:55:090:55:13

And the interesting thing about the Nazis is

0:55:130:55:15

they actually won the Second World War but it was changed in the film.

0:55:150:55:20

Alan, strawberry.

0:55:210:55:22

The interesting thing about Nazis - there's no T in it.

0:55:240:55:27

Should actually be pronounced "nah-zee".

0:55:270:55:30

Diddy Andy Hamilton, please sneer at Ann Widdecombe.

0:55:320:55:36

Ann Widdecombe.

0:55:360:55:37

Ann Widdecombe! Eurgh!

0:55:380:55:41

And the truth about Ann Widdecombe...

0:55:410:55:43

Is Ann Widdecombe a dolphin in a bathtub?

0:55:430:55:45

And the interesting thing about Ann Widdecombe is it's pronounced

0:55:460:55:49

"Ann Wuddicome" in parts of Scotland

0:55:490:55:51

and "Anne Wycombe" in parts of Wycombe.

0:55:510:55:54

And I spend my evenings cuddling me cushion,

0:55:540:55:57

which is more fun than me boyfriend,

0:55:570:55:58

and it hides me cake shelf.

0:55:580:56:00

Oh, my God, the Daily Mail!

0:56:020:56:04

Can we bully some old people now?

0:56:040:56:07

Number one's an ugly ginge. Number two's ugly and stupid.

0:56:070:56:11

Number three's ugly, stupid and mental.

0:56:110:56:13

Number four's an ugly, stupid, mental wanker.

0:56:130:56:15

And number five's an ugly, stupid, mental wanker paedophile.

0:56:150:56:19

Number five's definitely a paedo.

0:56:200:56:22

A wonky-eyed-wanker paedo - I'm going to throw a brick at him.

0:56:220:56:27

Look - I've cut his 'ead open!

0:56:270:56:30

It's number five,

0:56:300:56:31

the ugly, stupid, mental, wonky-eyed wanker paedophile!

0:56:310:56:35

Disapproving look.

0:56:360:56:39

Stop-stop-stop starting and start stopping.

0:56:390:56:41

Oh, my God, the Daily Mail!

0:56:410:56:44

Good night!

0:56:440:56:45

If BBC Two's past has been worth celebrating,

0:56:450:56:49

what about the present?

0:56:490:56:51

Of course, what I'm really excited about

0:56:510:56:53

is a brand-new 26-part documentary we've just made

0:56:530:56:57

to celebrate the centenary of the First World War.

0:56:570:57:00

December the 25th, 1914, Christmas Day.

0:57:000:57:04

And up popped this German right on top of the rubbly old nunk.

0:57:060:57:10

And we are chatting away to these German scallywags.

0:57:120:57:16

I improvised a game of Fussball.

0:57:170:57:20

The game ended in a nil-all draw.

0:57:200:57:23

And the Germans won on penalties.

0:57:230:57:26

The Germans won on penalties, so they won on penalties.

0:57:260:57:29

And the Germans won on penalties.

0:57:290:57:32

We Germans won on penalties.

0:57:320:57:36

The Germans won on penalties.

0:57:360:57:40

I've got wandering hands.

0:57:490:57:51

And in 50 years' time, with so many new channels,

0:57:530:57:56

so many different new forms of media,

0:57:560:58:00

will there be BBC Two?

0:58:000:58:02

And if there is, will there be BBC Two...Too?

0:58:020:58:05

Johnny and I married a decade or so after he directed me in the show

0:58:390:58:43

and we still like to keep the spark alive for up to eight hours a day.

0:58:430:58:48

-Charlie's going to eat your face off!

-Oh!

0:58:510:58:54

Ah!

0:58:540:58:55

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