Kevin Bridges Live at the Commonwealth

This programme contains some strong language

Please give a big Glasgow welcome to Kevin Bridges!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Beautiful.

Yes! Feel the excitement in the room, yeah!

-CHEERING

-Ladies and gentlemen,

good evening and welcome to Live At The Commonwealth.

-CHEERING

-Yeah!

The Commonwealth Games - they're finally here.

Can you feel the excitement?

It's been a long four years since the last Games, but finally...

Who can forget the last Games...?

LAUGHTER

Wherever they were held! Now they're here in Glasgow.

It is exciting. Give me a cheer if you've bought tickets.

CHEERING

That's good. Three or four of you there.

-Big guy clapping, what's your name, sir?

-Conor.

Conor, nice to see you, Conor, good man.

-What have you got tickets to go and see?

-The opening ceremony.

The what? The opening ceremony, that's great.

There was a bit of a dilemma about that.

They planned to blow up the Red Road flats.

That was the opening ceremony idea. Somebody suggested that.

That's quite realistic. No, we don't have delusions of grandeur

in this city. We're never going to compete with Danny Boyle's 2012

London Olympic masterpiece, let's just blow up some high-rise flats.

That's... That idea, that was dismissed far too quickly, you know.

That's the kind of stuff we excel at in Glasgow.

We need to play to our strengths. Maybe not blowing up high-rise flats

but, like, a bonfire or something, you know, Bonfire Night.

Or imagine... Imagine a united Glasgow,

the one big bonfire for the opening ceremony, mental uncles

arriving in Transit vans with wooden pallets, piling them on.

We'll let the Queen chuck a can of Lynx Africa on top of it.

It'll be beautiful.

The opening... There was a fiasco. Don't know if you seen that.

A ticket fiasco - that's what they call it

when it's not a crisis or a tragedy. It's just a fiasco.

That's when local news reporters start showing up at people's houses

to film them in their bedrooms, sitting on their PC, going,

"Oh, yeah, I think...

"I just think Ticketmaster should hang their heads in shame.

"I just... It's just the organising committee, it's embarrassing.

"You know, the eyes of the world are on Scotland right now and..."

Some wee guy's sitting with his big gutted face on at his computer,

"Page cannot be displayed," just him going...

LAUGHTER

"I just wonder what our Commonwealth cousins are going to make of it.

"They're just..." Our Commonwealth cousins, guys from Rwanda

and Botswana, they've never had a fiasco, that's tragedy and

crisis place, they're no' talking about the Glasgow ticket fiasco!

"What do you make of that?"

"Oh, I missed that. I was too busy walking 95 miles to find

"clean drinking water for my family."

-Anybody else, you got any tickets?

-CHEERING

Yes, woman at the back there, what're you going to see?

Swimming, athletics and boxing.

You're going to see the swimming, the athletics and the boxing?

Good, that's good to see. An eclectic mix.

Who's Scotland's big swimming hope?

Michael Jamieson, yes, he's there.

He won the silver in London, he's going back, hopefully he gets

the gold. I'd love to see Michael Jamieson get on that gold podium,

getting back to grass roots level. Scottish swimming, standing there

with his wee JD Sports string bag round his shoulder.

LAUGHTER

Be a proud day for Scottish swimming, getting there.

SCATTERED APPLAUSE

A slice of caramel cake and a Slush Puppie.

Talking to the silver medallist - "Have you got any hair gel, mate?

"Ah...forgot to pack mine."

No, a lot of big names have cancelled.

A lot of the stars of 2012 have cancelled, pulled out.

Sir Chris Hoy, he's retired.

Jessica Ennis, she's cancelled. She's pregnant.

That's a pretty feeble excuse. As if...

As if the people of the East End of Glasgow have never seen

a pregnant woman sprinting before.

Wow, that should be...

APPLAUSE

That should be an event. That would sell some tickets!

Pregnant women chasing their boyfriends wi' a pool cue.

We would excel at that as a nation.

Who else has cancelled, who else? Jessica Ennis, she's cancelled.

Oscar Pistorius, he's cancelled.

He's got... He's got enough on his plate, that guy.

I watched that trial on holiday.

That's the kind of holidays I go on these days.

I just get sunstroke in the water park on the first day and then spend

six days on a sofa bed watching Sky News, eating the local crisps.

"I don't feel too good, somebody go to the shop and get me

"a packet of Ruffles.

"Jamon flavour."

This is great, just getting away from everything,

eating some jamon-flavoured Ruffles,

watching a murder trial, cannae beat it. I watched it.

His stories, they should just have let him keep talking.

He thought an intruder had broke into his bathroom.

That's the first place they're gonnae go(!)

Go and steal all his bath bombs.

LAUGHTER

"I thought they were trying to get my..."

-AS OSCAR PISTORIUS:

-"..Mr Matey, m'lady."

Should've let him keep talking, see what else he had to say.

"All right, I'll tell you the truth, you want to hear the truth? I was bursting for a shite, right?

"And she was taking fucking ages!"

LAUGHTER

"And I told her, 'Put your make-up on in the bedroom!'

"I was touching cloth, Your Honour.

"I was touching cloth and I panicked, I'm sorry."

Have we got any of our Commonwealth cousins in?

Australia. Have we got Canada in the audience?

SMALL GROUP CHEER

One guy. What part of...?

"What part of Canada are you from, sir?" "Easterhouse."

-Are you genuinely Canadian, sir?

-Yeah.

Yeah, you are. How long have you been in Glasgow?

-Ten years.

-Ten years.

Ten-year. That's what we say, "year". We don't say...

We don't say "years" in Glasgow. Ten-year. none of that plural shite.

You get a very honest game of Scrabble in this city.

"Years? Nah, he's no' getting five for that, nah."

LAUGHTER

It's no' even a word. "Ten years". Who says that? Ten-year!

Ten years, so you're not obviously here

just for the Commonwealth Games, unless you arrived really early.

Unless you anticipated the ticket fiasco?

I'm trying to think of other Commonwealth countries.

Saint Vincent and the Grenadines in the room?

Tuvalu? Anybody? The British Virgin Islands?

WOMAN WHOOPS

I just... There we go, one woman at the back there.

I doubt that's where you're from there, darling.

"Ahhh!"

The British Virgin Islands. That just reminds me

of getting a hard time at Geography in school,

when a nut case in your class was studying a map and he seen it.

"Ah, British Virgin Islands, that's where you should...

"That's where you..." "Shut up! I got a... Shut up!"

"You're a VL - virgin lips."

It cost half a billion pound. That's how much it's cost to put on.

I can understand the World Cup making a bit of money, you know,

but there's not going to be, like, 15,000 Sri Lankan table tennis fans

in George Square the whole day, boozing,

and then heading down to Scotstoun Leisure Centre.

Running battles with the police, tear gas getting fired.

14 arrests for minor offences.

We're even exploiting them.

Like hotels, hotels are charging over the odds.

£1,000 some hotel was trying to charge for a night.

That's ridiculous. I'm getting fed up with hotels, fed up checking in.

They always break bad news to you as soon as you arrive.

"Unfortunately, sir, the Wi-Fi is only available in the lobby area."

You feel like going, "Well, is it all right to masturbate in the lobby area?"

LAUGHTER

What is the point in free Wi-Fi in the lobby?

I might exercise my right to use the Wi-Fi in the lobby, and the

hotel manager, he can deal with the negative reviews on TripAdvisor.

The websites I visit, that's between me and my browsing cookies!

He can deal with the reviews.

-ENGLISH ACCENT:

-"The rooms were spacious, the location was great,

"the staff were a delight, but, unfortunately, there was

"a Scottish bloke ripping the head off it in the lobby.

"It was a... It was a tad disconcerting.

"In fact, it was bloody disgusting. There was nothing subtle about it.

"He had his denims at his ankles,

"he was using both hands, he was just going for it.

"We won't be back."

CHEERING

As it is Live At The Commonwealth,

we have put together a line-up of world-class comedians.

We're kicking off with this man. You're going to absolutely love him,

please make some noise for the wonderful Simon Evans!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Thank you!

Thank you! Thank you very much!

Good evening, how the hell are you, are you well?

CHEERING Splendid! What a beautiful theatre.

Very nice to be here.

I am here representing the Commonwealth nation of England.

BOOING

Ahh! Yes, which you may well know from the well-known phrase or saying,

"Anyone but England."

The popular rallying cry, I believe.

LAUGHTER

It is a delight to be here, and very easy, I have to say.

I live in Brighton and Hove on the south coast of England.

South of London, if you can conceive of such a thing.

And yet I live near Gatwick Airport,

I was here in just under two hours, door-to-door, extraordinary.

Only this morning, I was bent double down at the allotment.

And if my wife doesn't like me referring to it as that,

she should damn well tidy herself up a bit down there. But, erm...

She's not terribly fond of that joke, my wife.

It's a shame, cos it does tickle me. But, erm...

LAUGHTER

So I have been invited to speak on the subject of the

Commonwealth Games and, clearly, Commonwealth fever has gripped

Glasgow. I wasn't sure whether it would have, but I was walking down

Sauchiehall Street earlier, popped into the branch of Greggs

for a little snack, a little healthy snack, and they were offering

beverages, various beverages in bottles with the sports cap.

This was in part of the Commonwealth drive for fitness.

The kind of bottle you can open with your teeth so you don't have to

dismount from your bicycle at that crucial stage of your triathlon.

I don't think that's a priority for your average Greggs customer, is it,

the sports cap?

Possibly if you've got a fag on the go in the other hand,

that's quite handy, I don't know.

What will they start selling next?

Little pasties with a clip you can put on your track shorts and a long

straw you can suck the gravy out while you're going over the hurdles.

I don't know if that's...

But despite the fact that it would be easy to mock

the Commonwealth Games, I'm genuinely looking forward to it.

It will be a relief, apart from anything else, as an Englishman, to

see England competing in a sporting event in which not every encounter

is treated as a chance to revisit some military defeat or victory.

Football, basically, for England fans, is purely about battles.

Germany and Argentina are the only two games we're really interested in.

It's a shame the Daleks haven't got a side, to be honest.

It's terribly depressing.

Whereas France, who have a perfectly decent side, we have no interest

in playing because in the last two wars, we helped them out.

So even though they may defeat us calamitously on the football field,

we still regard them as children and just ruffle their hair.

We used to hate the French with great passion.

The language is full of expressions which give you a clue as to how

we felt about the French - French letter, French leave,

French twat.

Whereas big athletic events like the Commonwealth Games are marvellous.

We have a bit of an ongoing rivalry with Australia.

Australians are a fine people.

They are constantly badgered with the old idea...

The old joke is that Australians are all descended from convicts.

This is the joke, and if you go through immigration in Australia

and they say, "Do you have a criminal record?"

and you're supposed to say, "Oh, I didn't think you still needed one!"

So, I do like, I do like the big athletic events.

London 2012 Olympics was a marvellous time,

it brought the country together.

Nobody really anticipated just how great it would be.

All sorts of wonderful memories -

Mo Farah, Jessica Ennis, winning their various medals.

Probably for most people the highlight would be

Boris Johnson dangling from a broken zip wire for half an hour,

bobbing gently in the breeze like a big, fat, blonde, Tory pinata.

If only they'd given the kids underneath him a couple of baseball bats...

APPLAUSE

..they could've had the Eton mess out of him there and then

and finished the job off.

But it did... Sporting events like that, they can inspire

a generation, this is a fact.

We have the leisure time, we have the money to

follow our athlete heroes and to indulge our fantasies.

Didn't happen to my father, certainly not in his generation.

He'd never have thought of putting on Lycra leggings

and going cycling through the Sussex Downs with his cock and balls

in obvious relief, pressed against his inner thigh...

like I do. And he certainly... LAUGHTER

..would never have gone to a gym

and had a half-hour induction course to learn how to walk up

a mechanical hill for half an hour.

He got out there in the garden and he hoed and he dug and he weeded.

As a result, by the time he was 40, his back was fucked!

Couldn't stand upright without a stepladder after a couple of

hours out there, but we had our own radishes, that was important to him.

Folks, you've been a delight.

Thanks very much indeed. See you soon, take care, bye-bye.

APPLAUSE

Simon Evans!

We're going to crack on with the international line-up,

all the way from Canada, she's fantastic, she's superb,

give it up, please, for Katherine Ryan!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And hello. Hi! I love Glasgow.

I have to tell you it is one of my favourite cities in the world.

I spent about a month here this year for work and you're

so friendly, so funny, just so good to me. Thank you for that.

I'm a Canadian living in London, so I am NOT used to it.

Not at all, that's what you and I have in common,

obnoxious neighbours who like starting wars.

Eh!

-Now, my dad's from Ireland, that makes me half legend.

-Wooh!

Yes, ma'am. Or is it myth? Who knows?

The Irish give their children too many names, too many names.

All I wanted to be growing up was Stephanie. Stephanie.

You know, I'd be playing in the garden,

called in for lunch like this, Katherine Mary Louise Roisin Ryan!

I was not quintuplets, that was just me!

It's too many names!

It's brave as an Irish person to think of all the names you know

and give them to your first-born when you know you're going to

have another baby every nine months till you're dead.

Well, we're here for the Commonwealth Games

-in Scotland, well done!

-CHEERING

Sport is difficult for me, I have trouble following.

And it's been a summer of sport, right?

The World Cup, then Wimbledon, then the cricket, now Commonwealth Games.

I have not been this confused and exhausted

since I tried to win a holiday in Magaluf.

Oh, yeah. I know.

All I got was a drink.

At that point I wasn't even thirsty!

I know a little bit about the

British-Empire-until-they-lost-it Games.

They started in 1930 and have been going ever

since with the exception of '42 and '46, when they were cancelled

because of the Second World War.

But you, Glasgow, are powering through in 2014 right in the middle

of Scotland's war against England and I think that's very brave.

I hope you win.

Commonwealth, Commonwealth, that's like an oxymoron, common wealth.

Or the original title for the television show

The Only Way Is Essex.

No, no.

In a poll conducted by the Royal Commonwealth Society, they found

out that a quarter of Canadians would leave the Commonwealth.

Half didn't know what it was and the other quarter wouldn't answer

the question because you didn't ask it en Francais!

I know what it is, I know. It means that we fancy England,

but England wants to keep seeing other people, that's cool.

I guess in Canada we try to model your political systems,

that's one thing we do. Yeah?

We had a mayor who famously smoked crack, he still couldn't

manage to dick everything up as bad as your leaders.

Another thing we didn't take is your class, we have literally no class.

Canadians will eat Poutine

with our fingers, but we also don't have a class system.

We genuinely don't, we don't.

We have rich and poor people, we just don't think it's

polite to keep reminding them what they are.

But here, you're very organised. You're very like, oh...

-ENGLISH ACCENT

-What are you, what are you?

Are you working class? What are you, what are you?

You have to group things like you've got socioeconomic Asperger's,

what is that? Right, what am I?

Well, let's just say we weren't rich enough to have a flag on a mast,

but not poor enough that we had one in the window - what's that?

In London you have to choose, you have to identify. There's

working class, middle class and Russian, you know, pick one.

And we queue, we took that from... We queue,

but we don't get powerfully excited about it, like you do.

I've seen people running to join a queue,

they can't wait to get there, right.

Just running, just for the queue, there's no bus,

the bus is off, the guy's not even in the bus, it's just like

they want to get in five minutes of good queuing before they leave.

They love that, like you're queuing for a bus not a blow job, relax.

We're obsessed with the royal family in Canada, obsessed,

though we have no idea what they do.

The Queen's got to contend with Prince Philip.

I like him, I know he's not very PC, I've grown to like that.

You introduce him to a tribeswoman with ears down to her armpits,

tits down to her knees,

he's not going to say something bang on about deforestation, is he?

You'd be disappointed if he did!

It's one of the only British things we can count on!

The economy's up and down, the weather's all over the place,

put Prince Philip in front of an Australian

he WILL use the word convict almost immediately.

What about the young royals? Oh!

The young royals, they're so cool!

Prince William in Canada was in our teen magazines,

he was pitched to us like a heart throb, genuinely.

He was shown to us like, ooh, Prince William, I had posters of him

on my wall, it was like he was in a boy band - 'One's Direction',

it was very special.

Not Prince Harry though, they never mentioned him,

he was just like the little ugly one following in the back like, waaah!

How the tables have turned on that!

I don't want to be explicit, but what I would do to that kid no

military training in the world can prepare him for.

Yum!

That's the most successful change of luck story of a ginger orphan

since Annie.

Yes!

-APPLAUSE

-Thank you so much for listening.

Enjoy your Commonwealth Games, I'll see you soon. Good night.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Ladies and gentlemen, give it up for Katherine Ryan!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Anybody name any of these flags?

Top left, do you know that, a lion carrying a knife?

-Yeah.

-That would be a great flag for us.

-You know a bit of...

-Easterhouse.

-No idea.

No idea. Anybody else?

Sri Lanka somebody said. Is that the lion with the knife, Sri Lanka?

Well done, sir!

I wish there was a prize, but you're on national TV as an expert.

That's Sri Lanka's flag, is it?

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

That'll be...that'll be draped across George Square,

amidst the boozing masses when the ping-pong comes to town.

Even Nando's have got a country in the bottom right there.

It's exciting.

Wow! So, ladies and gentlemen,

keeping on with the international line-up

all the way from South Africa, he's superb, you're going

to love him, ladies and gentlemen, please go wild,

show some love for the wonderful Trevor Noah!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Thank you.

I hadn't planned to be like this.

I injured myself, I was playing football and then got the,

a torn meniscus in the knee, the same injury that Luis Suarez had.

I've learned not to tell that to Scottish people though,

because they all say the same thing.

I say, "Oh..." They go, "Oh! What happened your knee?"

I say, "Oh, the same thing that happened to Louis Suarez."

They go, "Oh, so he bit you?"

"No, he didn't." I tore the meniscus which means now I cannot walk.

I haven't been able to walk for three months now which is not

the worst thing that's happened to me, to be honest.

The worst thing is, is that I don't enjoy the toilet any more,

I didn't realise how much I actually enjoyed going to the toilet.

It was one of the most sacred places for me as a person.

I enjoyed it. It gives me solace

from my relationship, it er...you know, because it's

the one place a woman can't follow you to, which I really enjoy.

Cos they would follow you, if they could. Women go with each other to the toilet, which is a

strange occurrence, then they'd go with men as well and the longer

you're in a relationship with a woman, the more you'll realise this. You stand up

at ten o'clock at night and she's like, "Where you going?"

To check on my bitches. Where do you think I'm going? To the toilet.

It's free, it's wonderful.

I go there, I'm with myself, by myself, you know,

I play Candy Crush that's, that's pretty much all I do.

If you play Candy Crush, though, I've learned you should

turn the volume off on your phone, otherwise it sounds creepy from the

outside, because people walk past and all they're hearing is "tasty".

"Delicious."

But now I'm here.

And I'm learning about the place slowly.

I tried to learn the accent from very limited references. Shrek

and 300 mostly, which means I say donkey well

and I can threaten people, which works in Glasgow, funny enough.

Yeah, I practised a lot.

I practised so much, I was excited to get it right.

I got into the taxi, taxi driver was there I was like...

IN A BAD ACCENT "Take me to Glasgow, please."

He was like, "OK, we find it together, eh?"

It wasn't exactly...what I planned.

He was probably from Edinburgh.

Scottish summer's weird, because it's not summer.

I know I'm African, so I'm spoiled, but it's just not.

People are running around in shorts forcing it, it's not summer.

If it's not summer, it's not summer, don't force it.

Summer doesn't work on your schedule, if it's not hot, it's not summer.

You're like, it's summer! It's not summer yet!

Don't complain about the weather to Scottish people, they get very sensitive.

I was like, "Oh! It's a bit chilly." He said "What, you think this is cold?"

I said, "Yeah, it's very cold". He said, "Oh! You think this is cold, you should come back in January!"

I said, "Oh! Does it get better?" He said, "No, it gets worse!"

Well, then why would you invite me back?!

What sick person invites you back to a time you'd enjoy even less?

Oh! Jewish guy, should've been in Germany in the '30s, aye.

Why would you do that? Just tell me when it gets warmer.

I'm enjoying it out here, it's fun, it's different.

Commonwealth Games, that's going to be fun.

Yeah, there's not many sports I enjoy, I won't lie.

I think athletics is everything, everything else is a waste.

It's true. I just want to see people run. Gunshot, run.

Gunshot, run. It reminds me of home.

And now they say rowing is coming to the next Commonwealth Games.

That's probably my favourite sport because nothing, nothing epitomises rich people like rowing.

Just everything about it, yes, yes. We'll be in boats that nobody else can afford,

we'll do what nobody else can do. Ah! I love this, I love this!

That's not rowing, that's how they push poor people away.

Go away, go away, all of you, go away!

Ah! Scotland.

What a wonderful place Glasgow has been.

I just walk around all day and that's all I do.

Well, not walk, walk but walk.

I like it, because you don't get to walk much in South Africa

where I'm from, you know.

I mean you can walk, it's just it'll probably turn into a run,

some of them more exciting.

This is partly because of the crime, right?

Not to say we have a lot of crime, it's just that we HAVE crime.

Whereas here you guys don't have crime, that's why you can

walk around that's, and I know you guys say you have crime, but I've, I've seen it, it's not.

It's not crime, it's not, it's not crime crime, it's cute crimes, you know.

It's like... And you stab people, that's cute,

that's just like... It is, because it's one person at a time. It's just like, ah!

Me next, me next! It's not... It's not like crime crime.

Like in South Africa people do like REAL crimes,

they blow up ATMs. That's like CRIME, you know,

and that's just because they forgot their pin number, that's all, they're...

That's crime, you guys don't have crime, we've got REAL crime.

I don't know like how I could live here,

because every day you just, you know you're going to get home.

I don't know how you...how you live with yourself, it's just, you know.

It's just so boring. No wonder you guys drink so much.

You must come and visit South Africa, all of you.

I mean, I came to Scotland in your summer and I'm enjoying it.

A lot of British people complain, though, when they come back.

One guy complained way too much, he said, I don't like it, because of the crime.

It was just too much crime for me, Trevor, way too much crime.

I said, what crime happened to you, did any crime happen to you?

He said, actually, crime DID happen to me.

I had my wallet and I was in a restaurant

and I put it down on the table and then I left

and when came back the wallet was gone and I didn't appreciate that.

That was crime. I said, what? That's not crime.

He said, that's crime. I said, that's not a crime.

You think that's crime, you should come back in January, my friend.

You should come back in January. You guys have been fantastic.

Thanks so much for having me. Have a good night!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Trevor Noah, everybody! Give it up for him.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Carrying an injury and still done the job, professional, good to see.

So we're here, Glasgow. We do, we are getting a nice summer.

It is, we get nice weather, these days.

That's been the last few years we've had some nice weather.

Barbecue weather, but disposable barbecue, you don't

want to get complacent and make a reckless decision.

That's a sound economic decision you need to make on the first nice day.

You don't just go and buy a barbecue for like 100 quid,

you get a quote first.

100 quid for a barbecue, a fiver for a disposable, we're

going to need 20 nice days for that to be economically viable - no.

We'll buy a disposable

and if it's nice the next day we'll buy another disposable.

And if it's nice the day after that, we'll buy ANOTHER disposable.

That's it, and then the heat wave continues, you feel

like a contestant on Deal or No Deal, you've dealt far too soon.

Fivers racking up,

three weeks of nice weather, you've got nothing to show for it.

Devastating!

We got a 26 degrees, that was the record last year,

that's an exciting day.

I've never seen my dad so thrilled sitting there, you don't, you

enjoy your nice day, your disposable barbecue and then you need to come

home and watch the global weather report, to see, see

how you compared on the big league, watching the results coming in.

26, look at that, son. We're only two behind Madeira.

Look at this! Here! We've beat Venice, get in here!

And then the camera moves to the Middle East,

his heart just breaks. Abu Dhabi, 52, for fuck's sake.

Aye, but there's nae pubs in Abu Dhabi,

what's the point in a 52 if you cannae go to a beer garden?

Anyway, we're gonnae to crack on, we're gonnae finish in style.

We've had South Africa, we've had Canada, we've had England, we're gonnae finish up with Scotland,

one of our own, ladies and gentlemen,

please give it up for Danny Bhoy!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Oh! I hope that's not the starter gun we're using?

Jesus!

-How are you all, are you all right?

-Yeah!

So, Commonwealth Games, eh? Ah!

Well, Glasgow, you've not done so well on the wealth bit,

but you've done very well on the common bit.

I read in the paper they were trying to put cricket into this

Commonwealth Games and then someone pointed out, you know

it's in Scotland, people don't give a shit about cricket here.

If you ever see a guy with a cricket bat in Glasgow...

..he's not on his way to the village green, right?

I love this city, it's great.

I was here last weekend and I went...

I love watching Scottish women on a Friday night - that sounds terrible.

I mean, I don't mean with binoculars from a tree, right, I mean I love

OBSERVING, observing Scottish women on a Friday night, because there's

a certain procedure with which you guys go out drinking, isn't there?

Like you go home after work and you go out

and you look fantastic, ladies! Oh!

Lovely, fragrant and sophisticated,

bouncy hair.

How do you get that hair to bounce?

I love the bounce, the bounce, the bounce, bounce, bounce.

The little bag bouncing with the hair. Bounce, bounce, bounce.

And they meet each other outside that All Bar One.

Bounce, bounce, bounce, compliment each other "Nice bag, Gemma."

"Thank you."

Fragrant, sophisticated, classy and then you go into that pub.

What happens in there?

I watched the same group of women come out two or three hours later,

it was definitely the same group of women.

What happened in there?

The walk is immediately different.

The walk in was stylish, sophisticated,

the walk out it's, it's kind of the crossed arms, the kind of...

Where's the bounce? There's no bounce any more, just a confused,

hair stuck to their face, bag wide open you know, shit falling out.

Trying to find each other.

You were together. Where, where's...? And then there's a,

there's that conversation that has to happen, yeah,

amongst groups of women on a Friday night all over Scotland

when they come out of the pub, you know the one.

"Right, shut up listen. Shut up. Shut up, shut up listen!

"Shut up, shut up listen, listen. Girls, girls, girls, heehee.

"Shut up, no shut up listen. No, seriously, shut up.

"Where are we going, where are we going?

"Guys, guys, guys, guys listen, listen. Shut up, listen. No, tut!

"Fuck off, where are we going?" "I don't know, LET'S JUST GO!"

"Yeah, but where we going?" "I don't know, let's just go!

"WHO ARE WE WAITING FOR?!

"Who we, who we waiting for? Gemma. Oh!

"What a bitch, she's talking to that bloke.

"Did you see her bag? What an ugly piece of shit!"

What happened in there?

"Where we going, I don't know, let's just go."

An hour later, they're still there.

No-one has gone anywhere until eventually one breaks away,

you know, the one, the independent one, she's had enough.

"Right, that's it, I'm going.

"NO, I'm going, if you want to come, come, but I'm going.

"I'm SICK of this!"

"I'm going, that's it, I'm going.

"I'm SICK of it, SICK of it!"

And then the one, the one that's somehow managed to develop

a limp during the evening, there's always one,

there's no explanation for this, she's the one that follows.

"I'm coming, I'm coming. Wait, I'm coming. Wait, wait, I'm coming."

"Where they going?" "I don't know, let's just go."

What's all this about, ladies? Explain this one to me, please?

What's this, "Right, girls, right we're gonnae go."

Right, finally decided. "We're gonnae go, we're gonnae go to that club, right?

"Go to that club? Right, excellent. We're all going to the club.

"Come on, let's go to the club. Oh! Are we gonnae get a taxi?

"Right, we'll get a taxi, aye, we'll get a taxi."

"Taxi, taxi... we're getting a taxi, we're getting a taxi."

What are you doing? Why are you taking your shoes off,

you're getting into the back of a cab in Glasgow?

That's the last place you should take your shoes off.

Oh, I never quite understand that.

You never see blokes do that, do you?

"Awright, lads, eh, that was good, anyway,

"are we gonnae go to that Indian restaurant?"

"Aye, aye, aye we'll go to the Indian, aye."

"We'll, we'll get a taxi?" "Aye, we'll get a taxi aye."

"Aye, we'll get a taxi."

"Aye, we'll get a taxi, aye come on we'll get a taxi.

"Aye, we'll get a taxi."

Oh, I love it. Those little,

just little things that define our drinking culture in Scotland.

Just the little things that separate us

from all the other Commonwealth countries.

Like, I was in a pub in Edinburgh and there was a big

table of people next to me and there was one guy standing up

taking the round for the table - you've seen this a million times.

Concentration, he's like... "Right, let me get this right.

"Three pint of lager, two vodka coke, two vodka orange,

"one whisky coke, one bottle of Becks.

"Right, don't talk to me now..."

"No!"

And he went to the bar and yeah, you know

he got his, regurgitated this order, he got all the drinks in,

he got the whole thing and this huge big round of drinks.

But he didn't use a tray. Och, no! I'm not French.

He was going to carry this round back to this table through

this crowd of people.

And it was amazing, he just did one look and the one look

from the bar told him everything he needed to know about the situation.

He needed to know, right, I've got to go down there, over that, in and

outside that, over them, watch out for that and then get into there.

Right, nae bother. Right, let's get you puppies home. Right.

And then he turned around and concentration was

incredible as he just diligently kept his eyes on the drinks,

for he knew from memory where he had to go.

And he slowly made his way through this crowd.

It was, it was so majestic.

It was like a, it was like a Scottish t'ai chi.

Didn't spill a drop. He couldn't say excuse me,

because he had two bags of crisps in his mouth.

And he was going, "Excuse me,

"excuse, I said excuse me... I'll fucking come back for you!"

And then he went through, it was amazing.

And he got to the table and this is what I'm talking about,

he just did a little thing.

You will not see this in any other country, drinks come down onto

the table, as soon as they hit the table he just went...

Waste not, want not.

And everyone was like, "Yeah!"

And his mate, one of his mates was like,

"Eh! You forgot my bottle of Becks?"

And without missing a beat he went "Oh! Did I?"

And he just pulled it out of his sock...

"Never doubt me."

It's little things,

little things which show our mentality towards drinking is

different from every other Commonwealth country you'll go to.

I'll give you the best example.

I was in a clothes shop in Edinburgh, a few months ago,

and it was one of those clothes shops where of course

they have no mirror in the fitting room - I hate that.

You have to come out and use the one in the shop,

in front of everyone, just so some prick can say, "Oh,

"that's nice, ain't it? It really suits you, it does."

Fuck off.

But, I'm in the communal, it's a communal mirror, there's me

and there's a guy next to me, maybe 18,

19-year-old kid, right, he's just trying on his shirt.

This is the shirt he's thinking about wearing out that night.

And he just did a little thing, which I guarantee you will

not see in any other country except Scotland, this kid just went...

"Just need to see how the pint will go with the shirt later on."

Thanks very much for listening, folks.

Take care of yourself, it's always a pleasure, Glasgow.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Danny Bhoy!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

What a way to finish.

Ladies and gentlemen, you have been watching

Live At The Commonwealth. Please keep your applause

going for Trevor Noah, Katherine Ryan, Simon Evans and

top of the show, Danny Bhoy! Good night, thank you!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE