Kevin Bridges: Live at the Referendum

This programme contains some strong language.

Please give a big Glasgow welcome to Kevin Bridges.

CHEERING

Good evening!

Ladies and gentlemen, good evening, hello

and welcome to Live At The Referendum.

CHEERING

It's a historical time.

A referendum on Scottish Independence,

we've got the Yes campaign, we've got the Better Together campaign.

And we don't have the Fuck It, It'll Be A Good Laugh campaign.

There's a lot of negatives.

I think it could be a laugh,

the idea of Scotland being a proper foreign country.

And we could just start messing about with the time zones

and stuff like that.

9am every Friday the clocks go forward for eight hours.

APPLAUSE

Who could stop us?

It's our country.

9pm Sunday night, they go back for eight hours.

In our foreign country we could get our own plug sockets.

A big, a big six pronger, a big...

LAUGHTER

..a big hideous monstrosity.

A Scottish plug socket, it doubles up as a violent weapon.

That's how we kick start the economy,

we sell plug sockets at the airports - international arrivals.

"You got your plug socket, mate? No, that's three prongs,

"that's an English plug socket. This is a Scottish plug socket."

"Is it for an electrical appliance or self-defence, sir?"

Aye, I've got other concerns.

Obviously the economic argument. An independent Scotland

will not be allowed to enter into a currency union with the UK

and we've been told that.

I think we could maybe start our own money.

You know I was getting fed up with the pound anyway, the sterling.

Who even calls it the pound?

It's a quid or smackarooney that could be...

That could be the currency.

How hard is it to start your own currency?

A smackarooney, that could be it.

Oh, you could bear a recession if your currency's the smackarooney

but never a depression, it would cheer you up.

"Oh, I'm down to my last five smackaroonies."

You could rack up a crippling debt, the international monetary fund

could announce the independent nation of Scotland

is running at a two hundred billion smackarooney deficit.

Just use it as a deflection tactic,

"What was that, mate? Two hundred billion what?"

"Smackaroonies. Aye, bet you wished you used the smackarooney, eh?

"You'll fucking get your money, mate."

Aye, we've got our woes. We've got...

Alex Salmond, he is... People are finding it difficult to see past...

It's a decision between two guys, Alex Salmond and David Cameron,

and they're both pretty difficult to like.

They're difficult to warm to.

Alex Salmond, he looks as if there's something else behind it.

He looks as if maybe he got a knock back off an English girl

on holiday...

..when he was 15 and she broke his heart

and that's what's fuelled this entire campaign.

And then the referendum's on a Thursday,

that'll be a horrible weekend for him if that's a No vote.

He'll get spotted somewhere that Sunday night in Edinburgh

walking through with his shirt ripped, steaming...

..booting wing mirrors off cars.

"Claudia! You fucking cow!

"You got what you wanted!"

At least Alex Salmond looks like shite,

I will say that for him, at least he looks terrible.

David Cameron, he looks a bit fresh for the amount

he must have on his mind if you're cutting the benefits of the poor

and the taxes of the rich as easy as that.

He doesn't look as if... He sleeps like a baby, that guy.

His big, fresh, steam room face. He doesn't have dreams that he's

getting chased and he cannae run and he's shouting for help

and his teeth are flying out.

Waking his wife up going, "Ah!"

Oh, that's it, "My surname's Cameron", that's what he said.

I like his speeches when he goes,

"Scotland, I love Scotland. You put the great in Great Britain.

"My surname's Cameron of course..."

You cannae just recklessly flaunt your surname like that

and no expect the inevitable interrogation.

"Sorry, Prime Minister, you said your surname is Cameron,

"do you know Ritchie Cameron?

"Stevie Cameron? Oh, Sandra Cameron's boy? No, no, sorry, mate.

I just... Anyway continue."

"Eh, Camy boy, eh? Surname's Cameron,

"the Camser, the Camseretto."

Have we got any young people in?

Give me a cheer if you're...?

CHEERING

..if you're under 18? Yes. How old, how old are you?

Er...

It's not that difficult a question, sir.

You're not trying to buy bevy here.

Just answer. He's trying to remember a date of birth.

How old are you? 20? 22. Aye, is that young in Scotland?

Have you checked the life expectancy figures?

All right, have we got any 16-year-olds in?

Yeah.

Yes, well, I don't mean to sound a bit fucking creepy there...

-AS ROLF HARRIS:

-"Can you tell what it is yet?"

I don't mean to sound like Rolf Harris, no.

I just realised when you hear yourself shouting,

"Have we got any 16-year-olds in?"

Rolf Harris, I don't think anybody seen it.

You can see it in retrospect when, "Oh, aye, I can see it now."

Like Jimmy Savile, look at that guy.

Was it...? I don't remember him from back in the TV days,

I was too young. I just look at pictures of him these days.

Was everyone smoking crack back in the day?

Fucking look at him!

If I was to draw a paedo...

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

If somebody said to me,

"Any chance you can draw us a wee paedo there, Kev?"

I'd be going, "Aye, aye. Big paedo glasses, there we go.

"Big paedo cigar, paedo teeth."

How did he got away with that when he was alive?

That should've been the court case.

"You've done something mate, fucking look at you.

"Get in the jail!"

APPLAUSE

Aye, as soon as you tell 16-year-olds they can do

something legally, the novelty's gone, they no longer want to do it.

I preferred back in the day when you couldn't vote at 16,

remember that? Underage voting. They were the days.

When you used to hang out outside the polling station

waiting for an old guy, ask him if he'll go in and vote for you.

The memories.

Going, "Excuse me, mate, any chance you could vote for us?"

The old guy's looking about kind of shifty,

"All right, mate, what you after?"

Going home to your mum and dad and they're going,

"You've been fucking voting!"

"Don't lie to me, Kevin, you've been voting!

"If I find out and if you're no telling me now,

"I'll be even angrier."

"Honestly, Dad, I've no been voting."

"You're gonnae end up like your cousin Fraser, a prick.

"It's a slippery slope, this politics."

Aye, there's going to be a record number of spoiled ballot papers

if they're letting 16-year-olds vote.

People will be going through them, "Nicola Sturgeon loves the boaby.

"Yes or No?"

APPLAUSE

"Will we put that as a No? Aye, I'll call that a No, yeah."

Have we got any English in?

Newcastle.

Newcastle. How do you feel about the independence referendum?

Erm... We should get our own independence.

You think Newcastle should go independent as well?

APPLAUSE

We're just taking a big saw to the UK all over.

What's the big questions?

Will Scotland...? Will we keep the royal family as the head of state?

I reckon we could get our own royal family,

just a royal family that makes some money.

You know we could have it like a lottery,

you could buy a ticket, everybody, the whole nation is entered into

a draw and you can win the chance to be the Scottish royal family.

It'll be great! Just pull it...

It doesn't matter where you're from or your background.

"Now, there we go, the King is Eddie McCabe from..."

LAUGHTER

"..22/4 Seamill View."

"22/4, does that mean the King's living in a flat?

"He won it, there he is."

Royalists outside his flat looking up,

seeing if they can catch a glimpse of the King.

"There he is. 22, 19, 20, 21, 22. Is that him?"

"Aye! His curtains are open. Here, he's in, he's in."

"No, I heard he went to her maw's caravan for the weekend."

We like the English.

It's only small frustrations and it probably comes from ourselves,

like the accent, it does get frustrating. Like when you travel,

I was in a lift before, this was actually in Australia

so it's not really an English thing.

LAUGHTER

It's just the Scottish accent.

I was in a lift and a guy... I'd a carton of Ribena,

right? I don't mind revealing that side of myself on stage.

And the guy felt the need to comment on it

and I almost ended up fighting with the guy.

I was drinking Ribena, I'm not an aggressive person,

it's just small talk becomes difficult

when you've got a Scottish accent. He commented, he said, "Oh, Ribena?"

And I said, "Aye, party time." Right?

You know that way you say something that you would never have said

if you knew you were going to have to repeat it about four times?

He said, "What?"

And I said, "Oh, party time."

And he's going, "Patty, patty twam?"

And you start feeling your blood boiling,

I'm saying, "Party time, like Ribena.

"A wee joke, it's Ribena. It's clearly not fucking party time!

"That was my wee small talk joke, just smile, mate!

"It's party time."

Smacking the side of his head with a carton of strawberry Ribena,

the lift opens, somebody thinks it's blood everywhere,

just me going, "Party time!"

But if we go independent, it'll no longer be an accent,

it'll be a language.

Tourists visiting here, they'll just need to learn a bit.

You know every group of guys like stag dos coming up

from England, they'll need to...

There's always a guy who tries to speak a bit of the local lingo,

you know the "dos cervezas" guy?

The "una mesa para quarto" guy?

That guy. That's what'll happen,

the guy that sits in the front seat of the taxi talking.

-IN ENGLISH ACCENT:

-"Trev, oh, you speak Scottish.

"You say... Talk to him.

"Ask him where's good to go tonight for a few drinks."

"Ah, the bhoys are wantin tae get oot their nut the night.

LAUGHTER

"Where would you recommend for a few swallees, ma man?"

"Oh, you're probably better just sticking to Sauchiehall Street.

"But here like, your Scottish is brilliant, pal."

"Ask him if it's safe?"

"Sauchiehall Street, is that no a wee bit dodgy?

"Is it no full awe wee bams?

"We don't want to end up getting our jaws took aff."

"Well, I wonder what Trev's saying,

"his Scottish is brilliant, I wonder what he's saying.

"I wonder if he's taking the piss out of us?"

"Sorry aboot these tadgers, mate.

"Yeah. They've been daein' ma heed in aw day."

APPLAUSE

The driver, dropping them off in Sauchiehall,

"There you go, pal, that'll be 15 smackaroonies."

APPLAUSE

Anyway, ladies and gentlemen, this is Live At The Referendum, yes!

CHEERING

Everybody give it up for the sensational Hal Cruttenden.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Excellent. Thank you very much.

Lovely, lovely to be here at your, at your, at your...

This referendum gig.

I'm not really very political,

I should make that clear first of all.

I'm sort of middle class but left wing.

Got very strong middle class guilt complex and I get so upset

reading about poverty and war in the Guardian that...

LAUGHTER

..had to have a couple of glasses of Chateau Latour 56 to calm down.

I feel momentum in this referendum is with the Yes campaign, isn't it?

The momentum's with that campaign because it's much easier, isn't it?

To charge into battle behind someone shouting, "Freedom!"

Than it is behind someone shouting,

"I just think it's too risky economically!"

But it's lovely to be in Glasgow. It's a very friendly city, isn't it?

You have a reputation for being hard and tough, you're not.

You're very friendly,

I think you're friendly, I don't really understand what you're saying.

That is the English.

The English are terrible at understanding other people's accents.

It's one of the reasons why we've treated countries around us

so badly historically. I think it's true.

Like 100 years ago, the Irish were saying,

"We'd like you to leave now."

We'd say, "You want us to rule for hundreds of years,

"of course, no problem."

You Scots were saying things like,

"You can take our life but you'll never take our freedom!"

"You want the poll tax a year early? Of course, consider it done."

We don't really understand.

APPLAUSE

Maybe English people are quite stupid, that's what my wife thinks.

I have a Northern Irish wife. I am married to a woman.

I know what you're thinking, shush.

No, not gay just very, very English.

My wife is absolutely my best friend, that is the truth.

She is my best friend in the world, my wife.

Obviously, I'm not her best friend, no, Lisa's her best friend.

I love the Northern Irish accent, it's a frightening accent, isn't it?

It's like Glasgow but it's got extra. I think it's a little bit heavier.

It's got that little extra fear thing, I think.

My children are more scared of my wife than they are of me.

I've actually sat them down and said, "Don't you find me a bit scary?"

And they say, "No, your face wobbles when you get angry."

When I was a kid and I was naughty, my mum would say,

"Wait until your father gets home."

I mainly work in my evenings. When my kids are naughty,

my wife says to them, "Wait until your father goes out."

That's the wrong way round, isn't it?

APPLAUSE

It's got that fear thing.

My wife scares me when she's being loving with that accent.

IN IRISH ACCENT: "Hal, I love you very much!"

NORMALLY: "Thanks a lot, cheers."

IN IRISH ACCENT: "I want to spend the rest of my life with you!"

NORMALLY: "OK, we'll do that."

IN IRISH ACCENT: "I feel safe when I'm with you!"

NORMALLY: "That's ironic."

She grew up in a hard society,

growing up in Northern Ireland, that is a tough place to grow up,

very divided obviously between Protestant and Catholic.

Very strong Protestant, Catholic divide,

I don't know if you know anything about that in Glasgow.

I fully understand. I grew up in Ealing, West London.

We had a very strong Audi/Volvo divide.

We did.

The only time we were united was when someone bought a Nissan

and we all came together to burn them out.

But she's seen terrible stuff, my wife, growing up,

because of that conflict. She's slightly messed up in a way.

Before we get into bed, she's got a mirror on wheels,

puts it under the bed to check for bombs.

I use it too for monsters.

We're in bed together, I take a bit too much of the duvet,

she's immediately going, "You obviously have no interest

"in seeing a lasting peace in this bedroom.

"Return the duvet or I'll decommission your testes."

She beat me at Scrabble three years ago,

she still marches around the house on the anniversary of that day.

APPLAUSE

It's so embarrassing like...

# 'Twas on the twelfth many years ago

# When I put no surrender across the triple words score. #

APPLAUSE AND LAUGHTER

Now doing that joke in Glasgow means I've just won a bet.

But obviously we have divided cities in this country,

we have divided communities. We are more divided than ever,

this referendum reflects that, we are more divided in the UK than ever.

I understand... It's not just about economics,

it's a feeling as well, isn't it?

I understand that when the England team play football,

most of you support the opposition, is that true?

-AUDIENCE:

-Yes!

You know we'd do the same to you, we just never know when you're playing.

APPLAUSE

It's because there's an assumption about the English.

Every English team is seen as arrogant by all the other countries

in the UK.

Always see England as arrogant. I watched rugby with my father-in-law.

Everything the England rugby team does is arrogant in his eyes.

England rugby player can score a try and go, "Yes!"

He goes, "Arrogant, very arrogant."

A Welsh player does exactly the same thing and goes "Yes!"

He'll go, "Brave, plucky."

Scottish players... I've never seen a Scots player score a try.

I'm joking!

No, do you know what? All England teams lack a bit of passion

because we don't have our own national anthem to sing.

We sing the British national anthem before a sporting event,

it's ridiculous. Scots, you have Flower of Scotland, brilliant song,

Bannockburn, it means something.

The Irish in rugby have Ireland's Call, unites north and south,

and the Welsh have a beautiful anthem, # Oh... #

It's in Welsh, I don't really understand it.

I'm so chippy in English, I'm assuming that the Welsh

are slagging us off in that anthem, I don't know. It's like...

# Oh, England, you wankers, we think you're scum

# Your country is a shit hole, I shagged your mum. #

That's what I'm assuming.

APPLAUSE

But the English, we don't have anything

and I think we need something. I think maybe by way of apology,

maybe something like Always On My Mind by Elvis Presley,

also covered by the Pet Shop Boys,

just to take the wind out of your sails a bit.

So before the game,

# O, flower of Scotland, when will we see your like again? #

And we're going...

# Maybe I didn't treat you quite as good as I should have. #

APPLAUSE

Glasgow, you have been an absolute delight.

Thank you very much for having me. I've been Hal Cruttenden.

Take care, thank you!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Hal Cruttenden!

We've got a comedy hero coming on.

It's a pleasure to welcome on stage, give it up, please, for Jack Dee.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Thanks.

LAUGHTER

Nice try, nice try.

Thank you, er...thank you for that welcome.

And, um...I have to be here because the BBC have to,

in the interest of impartiality, they have to have...

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Yeah.

They have to present to you

all the things that you might be missing.

LAUGHTER

And my name was put forward...

LAUGHTER

..by Alex Salmond.

LAUGHTER

And I am impartial. I genuinely don't mind what happens.

I don't mind what happens. I don't mind if it goes one way

or the disastrous independent other way. I really...

LAUGHTER

I'm easy. Easy like a Sunday morning.

Right, so...

Listen I-I... What I would observe, what I've observed is that

we are, we're all the same really.

We have little differences, that's all.

Just little tiny weeny differences.

And that's all it is. As you travel around, you realise.

You know, you go to London, St George's Day, big piss-up.

You go to Cardiff, St David's Day, big piss-up.

You go to Glasgow, payday, big piss-up.

LAUGHTER You know, it's...

I just worry if it goes wrong,

are we going to end up like North Korea and South Korea?

That's what I worry about.

Where all the English would come up to the border

and look at you through binoculars

and you'll all be miserable. You'll have to have...

You'll all be forced to have Alex Salmond haircuts.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Yeah.

Men included.

LAUGHTER

Because if it's going to be, like, a split, you have to...

Obviously, it's very like a relationship coming to an end.

You have to decide sometimes who gets what, you know.

And that always ends up in squabbling and rowing

and it's always an unhappy thing.

And, er... It is. You know, because

Oh, haggis. You know, you have Haggis.

No, really, you have haggis.

LAUGHTER

Whiskey, yeah, you have whiskey as well, fair enough.

Andy Murray, that's ours, isn't it?

LAUGHTER

See what I mean? We're rowing already about it.

The best thing I thought, what about bagpipes?

Why don't we make the Welsh have them?

LAUGHTER

I think the best way to do it is

you keep what you invented, right?

You keep, er... You get the telephone.

Fair play, you invented the telephone.

Yeah, yeah. Landlines only, not mobiles. They have to come back.

LAUGHTER

No mobiles no more. No, no. Just the old telephone.

Television, that was one of yours, wasn't it?

Black and white. Only black and white, don't get carried away.

You're not having coloured because that wasn't yours.

The steam engine, you got that. Steam engine.

No-one's taking that away from you. Huh!

LAUGHTER

Penicillin. You've got all the basics covered for life in Scotland.

You've got communication, entertainment, transport and STDs.

You know, that's... LAUGHTER

..all dealt with in one go. What do we keep?

We've got the World Wide Web, that was ours.

So no more Internet for you, I'm afraid.

So you won't have that any more. Trousers. We invented them, so

you're going to have to stick with kilts from now on, I'm sorry.

All right at the wedding, but wait until mid-season comes around.

Not so good then are they, eh?

LAUGHTER

But you know what, I was going to say to you really tonight, Glasgow,

whenever there are times of discord in a community,

often those issues are best addressed through the medium of song.

LAUGHTER

And, um... And that's where I'd like to take this now.

I'm going to, um... I've written a song for you, Glasgow.

Well, it's for all of Scotland. It's a song for all of Scotland.

It's from England to Scotland, if you like.

It's my love letter from England to Scotland.

Hamish, my guitar please?

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Thank you, Hamish.

Yes, I'm going to miss him.

LAUGHTER

The finest guitar gillie I ever had.

LAUGHTER

So... Yeah, this is a song that I-I wrote for you. And, um...

It's called, um... Sorry We Got On Your Tits.

LAUGHTER

Maybe we could bring the lights down, get a bit of a mood for me?

Maybe a little bit of some dry ice maybe with that? No?

LAUGHTER

No? OK, let's not worry about that then.

LAUGHTER

# We've been together for so long now

# OK, we had the occasional row like Bannockburn

# But I'm over that now

LAUGHTER

# Over that now

# I'm over Bannockburn

# There's no use in pointing fingers

# Some may call you Scottish whingers Not me!

# Because I'd be cross, too if I was naturally ginger

LAUGHTER

# Ginger, ginger

# You're naturally ginger

# You sunburn easily

LAUGHTER

# Thanks for the laughs we've had over the years

# It won't be the same if you disappear

# And if you stay we'll be chuffed to bits

# And if you go we're sorry we got on your tits

LAUGHTER

# Sorry we got on your tits

# And nothing we can do about it Ooo!

APPLAUSE

# Kilts and bagpipes Irn-Bru and haggis

# Sometimes we thought you were taking the piss

# With your cultural icons but now we realise you were serious

# Serious about leaving us

# Serious about leaving us

# We're sorry we got on your tits

# And it's our fault because we're Brits

# You had North Sea gas and we used all of it

# You hate our guts and the reason is

# You want independence

# Is you think that the English

# Are all a bunch of...

# Budalabap-do-bub-dodo-bap-eh. #

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Thank you very much indeed. Thank you!

Thank you, Hamish, thank you!

Ladies and gentlemen, Jack Dee!

RAPTUROUS CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

We're going to crack on. I've worked with her so many times,

you're going to love her. Please make some noise for Kerry Godliman!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello! This is nice. How are you?

AUDIENCE: Whoo!

This referendum is very confusing.

Are you finding the campaigns confusing?

I wouldn't be able to make that decision.

I can't form opinions when I go shopping.

LAUGHTER

I end up feeling like Louise Redknapp on QI. I'm just...

LAUGHTER ..totally out of my depth.

So, um...so I couldn't do this, I couldn't decide this.

But the campaigns are quite confusing.

Like, there's all the phrases and the slogans that are used,

like Yes people say, "Oh, together we make Scotland better,"

and the No people go, "No, we're better together."

Maybe they should've got together and decided it would be better

to decide who had dibs on the words better and together.

LAUGHTER

There's a lot of positivity about it.

A lot of people are saying it could be amazing. It could be amazing.

I think you are very positive people.

I think the Scottish people are generally very optimistic people.

We know this to be true because you buy garden furniture.

LAUGHTER

It's sunny now, you're having a bit of sunshine.

It's a weird thing. People...

I read online that Norway is a potential inspiration

of what an independent Scotland could be like.

Because Norway was in a union with Sweden until 1905

and then it became independent. And there are some similarities.

Norway has a small population, it's got oil,

it's socially harmonious, it's benign.

There's lots of potential similarities.

Just one thing I just want to impart to you, it's £12 a pint in Norway.

LAUGHTER

I tell you why I wouldn't go for it, if I was going to form an opinion,

I wouldn't go for it because of the admin.

There's going to be a lot of admin.

There's going to be a lot of Post-it notes kicking about.

Going to be redirecting your post for decades.

A lot of troubled marriages are tolerated

because people can't be arsed to change service providers.

LAUGHTER

And that's my angle on it.

You won't be able to be in all the gangs, all the institutions,

like the BBC. Can't be in that then. Won't be in that.

Can't be in the BBC, can't be in BA, can't be in BHS.

Won't be able to be in the Great British Bake Off.

Won't let you in that.

BT. Won't have BT, I'd move to Scotland to get away from BT.

LAUGHTER

I get very emotional about it.

Sometimes I get human rights and consumer rights a bit confused.

LAUGHTER

I try to leave them. I try to leave them quite a lot.

I often ring them up and go, "I want to leave!"

They don't care. They're, like, "Good luck with that Kel."

Because they know I haven't got the guts to change service providers

because it's, you know, it's hard work.

I like it when you ring a slightly needier telecommunication company.

You know when you ring T-Mobile or one of them and go, "I'm leaving,"

they're, like, "You're really leaving?" "Yeah, I'm really leaving."

"Right, we'll put you through to the really leaving department."

They fast-track you to a bullshit ninja that talks you off a ledge.

"Don't go, Kel!" "We'll give you an amazing package!"

"All right, I'll stay."

LAUGHTER

I tell you who knows how to treat me, the AA.

This is the Automobile Association, not the other lot.

LAUGHTER

They sent me a letter recently and on the front of it, it said,

"Inside is a gift for you for being such a loyal customer."

I was like, "Oh, my God! Oh, my God,"

Because I am loyal, Glasgow.

I am loyal. I'm very loyal.

If loyalty means you can't be arsed to shop about for a better deal,

my pledge is true.

I thought, "Oh, my God - a gift! A gift for me!

"What could it be? What could it be?

"It could be hair clips.

"Could be...tickets for a show, book voucher."

It was a tax disc holder.

Which I thought was really nice of them, actually,

cos up until then I'd been using my hand.

It's been perilous.

And 16-year-olds are going to be able to vote -

that's amazing, innit? 16-year-olds.

That's so young, I think that's too young.

The world has changed so much from when I was 16.

Like, I can't imagine what it's like to be 16 now.

I mean, I know that's true of every generation

but things have so changed in the last few decades.

Life before mobile phones, it was so different, wasn't it?

We used to sort of talk in yoghurt pots with a bit of string.

"YOU COMING OUT?" It's completely transformed.

Like now, you know, mobile phones...

Like, my friend rang me the other day on the landline,

I was like, "Wow! That's a bit retro, innit?"

Fancy ringing me on the landline - only mums ring on the landline.

Like my mum follows me on Twitter -

that's not an appropriate platform for a parent-child relationship.

I don't want my mum to follow me on Twitter.

I talk shit on Twitter, I... It's just a stream of consciousness,

it's nonsense, it's rubbish.

I don't want my mum to read my Twitter feed.

She's a bit judgy. Sometimes she'll ring me up and go,

"What did you tweet that for? You sound like a dick."

Don't follow me then, Mum.

I've blocked her now, I don't want my mum to follow me on Twitter.

I think there should be a rule on Twitter -

you shouldn't be allowed to follow someone

if they used to live in your uterus.

It's a reasonable rule.

And Facebook's like...

It's so voyeuristic, that's what I find so fascinating about it.

Like, if you split up with someone now,

you can spy on them on the internet, can't you?

You can properly spy on them,

you can see who they're going out with, what they're doing

and sort of, you know, eat a whole packet of biscuits,

crying alone in your own home.

But, before, we had to stalk them.

We had to hide behind cars, going, "Who the fuck is he in with now?

"Shit it!"

Totally different thing. That's what it'll be like if we split up.

If England and Scotland split up, it'll be awful, it'll be really sad.

Sometimes maybe Scotland will have a little look

at England's Facebook page, England will put pictures of them there

with their mates, Wales and Northern Ireland, in a little headlock.

"We're having a really good time down here, we're much better together.

"We're at a barbecue, we've got garden furniture, it's brilliant."

You've been absolutely delightful, thank you for having me. Take care.

Thank you!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Kerry Godliman!

CHEERING

Brilliant stuff!

Live At The Referendum, there's only one man to finish off the show.

He's a friend of mine, you know him well, you're going to love him.

Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for Frankie Boyle!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello!

AUDIENCE WHOOPS

Only the BBC could do a show about

the breakup of, er, the Union in Glasgow

and give it an orange background.

HE LAUGHS

I think that Scotland should be an independent country because...

CHEERING

..we are a unique nation,

the only people who give travel reviews

entirely in alcohol prices.

"How was Prague?"

"How was it? £1.30 for a litre of Vodka."

APPLAUSE

"And 40p a pint."

"Does it have good museums?" "Quite possibly, yes."

There's a lot of economic uncertainty about independence.

The Scottish people are worried about

whether or not we get to retain Poundland.

Er...I think we could do well in the world.

I think there's industries that we could do well in.

Like euthanasia, for example.

Switzerland has that at the minute.

Now, Switzerland's beautiful and it's friendly.

Nobody wants to leave that behind.

Glasgow could dominate that industry.

And not just Glasgow, you'd land in Glasgow

and you'd have to get a bus out to an industrial estate in Bellshill.

By the time people got there,

they'd be begging for you to kill them with a hammer in the foyer.

APPLAUSE

They wouldn't even want the silk pillow and the poisoned chocolate.

"Just put a sledgehammer in my temple

"and kill me like a pig in an abattoir!"

Glasgow would be so good at euthanasia,

there'd be waiting lists so long,

people would be dying from natural causes.

We'll have an Oil Development Fund

that we can blow like a mental pools winner.

There'll be a button in Balloch town centre

that turns Loch Lomond into a Jacuzzi.

Coatbridge will have an actual, functioning Time Capsule.

And we'll be so rich and self-confident as a nation,

we'll tell jokes like that, that English people can't even understand!

"What's a 'time capsule'?"

"I have no idea - what's a 'coat bridge'?"

Now to explain unionism to you - unionism, to be fair,

is simply the belief that two small, pretty similar countries

might be better off together...

unless those countries are both part of Ireland.

We have become more Anglicised as a nation.

People say things like "jog on" now.

Anyone who says "jog on" can fuck off!

Now, some people say they don't want independence

because they don't want Alex Salmond in power.

How long does he look like he's going to live?

He has the life expectancy of full-fat milk.

He'll be lucky to make the vote!

My hamster has picked out a suit for his funeral.

Says he gets death threats, Salmond - they'd better hurry up.

He gets a death threat every morning from his bathroom scales.

I think the best thing about being openly pro-independence

is I get maybe half a dozen tweets a day,

telling me that I don't understand economics,

from Rangers fans.

CHEERING

The last one was a wee guy with the club crest as his logo, going,

"You're 110% wrong about this."

HE LAUGHS

I'll tell you a true story, right?

A couple of weeks ago, I went for lunch in the Merchant City

and we're sitting outside, having lunch

and there's a bam drinking across from me.

Now a bam, if you're not Scottish,

is a gentleman of a lively disposition.

And some American tourists come by

and, for some reason, they go up and speak to this guy.

And the American tourist says, "Excuse me, sir,

"is there somewhere around here that we could buy fruit?"

And the bam went, "No."

And the American said, "But isn't this the Old Fruitmarket?"

And it was, it was the Old Fruitmarket in the Merchant City.

And the bam, to be fair to him, had perfect comic timing.

He let it hang for a couple of beats and then he went,

"There's a reason they don't call it the New Fruitmarket."

HE LAUGHS

And I think that that would be a good thing about independence -

Scotland would no longer have to invade places like Afghanistan

for American interests.

We'd invade them for heroin.

Cos I don't support America's wars.

I don't even think they ARE wars.

There's... They're one-way traffic, mass murder.

There's never been a time when a shepherd has beaten a helicopter.

You never switch on the news to see,

"A shock result in Afghanistan today

"when a missile was destroyed by a wedding."

Cos not only will America go to your country and kill all your people

but what's worse, I think, is they'll come back 20 years later

and make a movie about how killing your people

made their soldiers feel sad.

Oh, boo-hoo-hoo!

Americans making a movie about what Vietnam did to their soldiers

is like a serial killer telling you

what stopping suddenly for hitchhikers did to his clutch.

Nigel Farage came to Edinburgh, got chased by an angry mob

and hid in a pub.

Hid from Scottish people in a pub!

That's like hiding from a lion by dressing up as a zebra.

We've got the EDL attacking mosques in revenge for terrorism -

that's like attacking JJB Sports in revenge for Jimmy Savile.

David Cameron is an opportunist.

He jumped on the bandwagon about those Nigerian schoolgirls,

"Oh, let's find those missing schoolgirls."

If you want to find those missing schoolgirls,

let's get Britain's celebrity paedophiles out there -

they'll find them.

Let's get a Dirty Dozen-style mission on the go!

Only a dozen, so quite a lot of competition for places.

Let's work Rolf Harris like a fucking sniffer dog!

HE HUFFS LIKE ROLF HARRIS

"What's that, Rolf? Have you got something?"

HE CONTINUES HUFFING

You know, my last word about the independence campaign, actually,

is I think it's been a very middle-class campaign on both sides

and I think that's cos both sides are worried about drawing normal people

into the political process and that's a sad thing.

And it comes from the fact that middle-class Scottish people

and working-class Scottish people are completely different things.

Middle-class Scottish people are civil but not friendly.

"Oh! You're looking for the Post Office?

"Down at the end of the road, on your left."

Working-class Scottish people, however, are friendly but not civil.

"Post office? C'mon and I'll show you, ya dick! C'mon!"

It's been a pleasure talking to youse, Glasgow.

Take care of yourselves. All the best!

CHEERING AND WHISTLING

Frankie Boyle!

Ladies and gentlemen, this has been Live At The Referendum.

Make some noise for everybody you've seen.

First of all, we had Hal Cruttenden, then we had Jack Dee,

then we had Kerry Godliman

and, of course, Frankie Boyle.

I'm Kevin Bridges. Good night! Thank you!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE