The Comedy Vaults: BBC2's Hidden Treasure

And now on BBC Two, we have 60 minutes of laughter in store

as we take you inside the comedy vaults.

As part of the channel's 50th birthday celebrations,

we've been granted an access-all-areas pass

to trawl the archives and bring you some hilarious moments of BBC Two comedy.

But we're not going to be serving up the familiar classics.

In this show, we're digging deep into the vaults to bring you some comedy archive treasure

that's been hidden away for decades.

HE ROARS

We have a show packed with rare comedy gold...

Come on, you bitch!

..some previously thought lost for ever.

It's an epigrammatic way of saying, er,

"Knickers Off Ready When I Come Home."

-We'll be showing you pilot shows that have never been broadcast...

-Boom!

..cult comedy that hasn't been shown for decades,

as well as rarely seen one-off performances from some

of the biggest names in comedy.

-You met Edith Piaf?

-She said to me, "Je ne regrette rien."

I said, "Oh, come on, Edith, there must be something."

Tonight we're revelling in innovative

and ground-breaking comedy from BBC Two's 50-year history.

Comedy on BBC Two just had more latitude to be weirder.

THEY HOWL

Always was very risky. And it's remained fairly edgy and risky.

To be inside toilet

is very strange, but exciting.

BBC Two gets the stuff that's really, really going to be loved.

-No way!

-Exactly.

BBC Two's output is really a back catalogue

of what has kept British comedy afloat.

What I say is bung it.

Lo and behold, Rudolph Valentino.

So sit back and enjoy as we explore BBC Two's comedy vaults.

It's all about the recovery, yeah? Look at that.

Our raid into the comedy archives

begins in the section marked "pilots".

Trial runs made for little money and not usually for public consumption.

The first pilot we're going to see

is from one of the channel's most popular comedy panel shows.

QI seems, doesn't it, as if it's been there for 40 years.

It feels so familiar.

Well, hello, and welcome to QI.

And that's designed, is meant to feel like a pipe and slippers.

You know, lovely, cuddly, friendly people.

It's meant to be friendly.

And while the letters QI are now synonymous with Stephen Fry,

it could have been very different.

Ladies and gentlemen, hello, and welcome to QI.

Stephen was meant to be the captain of the clever team

and Alan was meant to be captain of the team who never paid

attention at school, looked out the window

and Mike Palin was designed to be the host.

Mike didn't want to do it

and Stephen stepped in just for the pilot.

If you would get out your buzzers, contestants, please.

-Alan goes...

-PARP!

-..Bill goes...

-SQUEAK

-..Kit goes...

-SQUEAK

-..and Eddie goes...

-WHISTLE/RING

..and I go to Belgium, for which I profusely apologise.

It is the job he was made to do. I wish I'd thought of it. I didn't.

I thought of Michael Palin.

What is the sixth most popular name for a baby boy in Germany?

SQUEAK Klaus?

-No.

-Adolf.

-He said Adolf.

-No!

-That's a -10 card.

That's got a PH. I didn't spell it like that when I said it.

That the research department. That's neither here nor there.

When you sit there for a bit and you think,

"Oh, Saturn has more moons than I thought previously.

"Well, that really is quite interesting, Stephen.

"And, really, there were no colours in the ancient world?"

And you do about three or four of them

and then you... "Oh, let's stick a knob gag in here."

What was rectal inflation...

-LAUGHTER

-..in Victorian England?

This is where they decided that a trout was the best way

of curing constipation.

LAUGHTER

I think it's when arseholes went right up in price...

and spiralling out of control.

And then the price was brought down by a change in interest rates.

Did the bottom fall out of the market?

If only every pilot could lead to such long-running series as QI.

MUSIC: "Madness" by Madness

One dummy run which didn't make it out of the starters' blocks

was Madness - The Pilot.

Let's get down to business, then, shall we?

Prime Minister, I don't want to scare you, but BOO!

The plot of the Nutty Boys' pilot revolved around the premise

that Margaret Thatcher was an alien and had returned to Mars,

leaving lead singer Suggs as Prime Minister.

Thanks for voting Madness, the party that actually cares.

Never before seen on British TV, this was written by none other

than the creators of Blackadder, Ben Elton and Richard Curtis.

-I thought Lee was meant to be helping us with it.

-He was.

That's typical of him. He's never around when there's any work to be done.

I resent that.

-What are you doing there?

-You told me to come along in the case.

No, Lee, we told you to come along IN CASE.

In case we needed any help to carry the case.

You mean I've carried you

and your saxophone all the way from Kentish Town?

-You ought to be glad I don't play the piano.

-Good point.

Another pilot in the vaults is Felix, starring the very talented and much missed Felix Dexter.

APPLAUSE

so, what's occurring with my appeal?

Well, the judge permitted some similar fact evidence,

so on both grounds,

you stand a very good chance of succeeding on your appeal.

-OK?

-Sweet.

LAUGHTER

Oh! Beat it down! Go on! Wicked!

LAUGHTER

Mash it up!

Go on. Take a seat, boss.

So how can I help you? What you say?

-I went to this club...

-Yes.

..and I left, got into my car

and drove down the road 60 yards. Literally.

-And my car was stopped and searched.

-What sort of car you drive?

-It's a new series three BMW.

-Well, there you see.

That's the problem.

Babylon don't like to see dread in dem car...

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

I find Saab, on the other hand, has great BCF.

-BCF?

-Yes.

Babylon confusion factor.

LAUGHTER

You see, black man, Swedish car, confusing. You see?

You could be a diplomat, an academic, friend of Desmond Tutu.

LAUGHTER

In 1973, Ronnie Barker made seven one-off pilots for BBC Two.

Called Seven of One,

it gave us two classic comedies in Open All Hours and Porridge,

originally called Prisoner And Escort.

Why are you so reluctant to let me go to the lavatory?

Oh. I see what you mean, yes.

You'd better let them go.

We can't stop in transit.

LAUGHTER

Other pilots in the series included Another Fine Mess,

based on a Laurel and Hardy tribute act,

and I'll Fly You For A Quid.

Written by Porridge creators Dick Clement and Ian le Frenais,

the story revolved around a family of compulsive

gamblers from the Welsh valleys.

It appealed to us to have a different kind of milieu.

A nice accent for Ron to get his teeth into.

When I get up to heaven, when I go with the angels, like,

will I have wings, like?

Yes, yes, I'm sure you will, Mr Llewellyn.

Well, when you get up there too, will you have wings and all?

Well, well, I hope so.

I'll fly you for a quid.

He's died.

They work out that this accumulator bet that he'd had had come off.

For once in his life, he'd made a massive profit on a bet.

-But they couldn't find the ticket.

-It was clenched in his fist.

Inside the coffin.

Ronnie played both parts, played the grandfather and the father.

I can't believe that you really meant to hang on to that ticket, Dad.

If only I'd been with you.

I only just popped down to the Jolly Milkman to get you a nip of brandy.

I would have been straight back

if they hadn't needed a fourth for dominoes, see?

I just couldn't go wrong, Dad.

Lewis Edward was knocking every game. Sorry, sorry.

LAUGHTER

In Guess Who's Coming To Dinner,

presenter Anne Robinson would ask celebrities to tell us

who they would invite to their ultimate fantasy dinner party.

Ricky Gervais appeared in this never-before-broadcast pilot,

and, while at the time he wasn't the global comedy icon he is today,

he still wasn't prepared to be the weakest link in this show.

Don't do any of that fascist prostitute stuff on me...

LAUGHTER

..or I'm walking. Go on.

Don't you think you're a bit old to be called Ricky?

I've put me at one end, unless you want me next to you, do you?

-Yeah.

-Sorry, you were hesitating.

Well, I don't remember inviting you, to be honest.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

When I was at finishing school in Paris...

HE GUFFAWS

-FRENCH ACCENT:

-No, no, no, no.

ZIS is scary!

APPLAUSE

Before the multi-award-winning series Miranda

came the very funny pilot, Miranda Hart's Joke Shop.

And, as well as the title,

there were other differences to the - what I call a - pilot.

Miranda!

Hmm?

Oh, morning, Phoebe.

Afternoon. It's nearly lunchtime.

You are three hours late.

The trains were a nightmare. It was a hellish journey.

You live upstairs.

There were leaves on the carpet?

It doesn't work.

But while sidekick Stevie had a harder edge...

I will use this. Shock tactics for submission.

I learned it in my How To Be A Total Bitch In The Workplace seminar.

..the heart of the show was still 100% Miranda.

LAUGHTER

Say nothing!

Let's get on with the show.

The next section in our raid on the comedy vaults is Cult Characters.

And first up it's the roving reporter from Redditch,

Kevin Turvey.

A year before The Young Ones appeared on BBC Two,

Rik Mayall's comedy creation was given five-minute slots

on the satirical sketch show A Kick Up The Eighties.

I'll turn round when I'm ready, bogey-face!

LAUGHTER

Kevin Turvey was an investigative reporter

and he captured that slightly pompous notion

of the investigative reporter, who is generally just a nuisance.

I dreamt that I was flying upside down over Turkey drinking Pernod

and all the people were pointing at us and saying,

"Give us a banana, you bastard!"

LAUGHTER

I woke up with this stabbing pain in the front of my head,

and I thought, "I'm only drinking Pernod in halves from now on."

Then the pain started moving around in my head

and I opened my eyes and pulled the newspaper back and there was this

spike sticking out of my head with this park keeper on the end of it.

And he said,

"What are you doing going to sleep under the litter, you vagrant?"

I said, "I'm not a vagrant. I'm an investigative reporter!"

Kevin Turvey was given his own one-off special in 1982

where he investigated his own life.

Most of my work's based in Redditch.

Sometimes the library.

Sometimes somewhere else

cos that's where I live, you see.

My mum's an executive receptionist at a hairdressers in town

and Mick, that's the lodger, he's currently in between jobs.

He left the army very recently, actually,

under secret circumstances.

He's not really allowed to talk about it but we do know it was very sudden.

It's such a big secret, actually, that even when the bloke from the

army comes round asking where he is,

we have to say that we've never heard of him.

I think it was the first thing that Robbie Coltrane had done

and it was just the musings

of a couple of idiots from Redditch.

I've got four pairs of shoes, right?

Now, one of them's brown and the rest are black.

Now, I lend him the brown ones, in fact,

I have done on a couple of occasions, but not the black ones.

I know it sounds odd, but it's just the way I like to live my life.

I can quote almost all of The Man Behind The Green Door.

There's a great scene where he's walking along a river bank

and he starts talking about fish that I like.

Cod, all green fish, green bottles and so forth.

Whales. That's the fish whales, not the place.

Fish that I like.

Cod. Whales.

That's the fish, right, not the place.

I mean, the area, not the plaice that's a fish.

Oh, I've put myself off now.

Er, oh, yeah, and mackerels.

Kevin Turvey was, I think,

a better character that Rik Mayall did than 'Rick' in a way.

There was more to him

and The Man Behind The Green Door was just sublime.

Kevin, you finished in the bathroom?

What does it look like?

Sort of pink with a bath in it.

No, I mean, does it look as if I'm in the bathroom or not?

-Anyway, as I was saying, mates...

-No, it doesn't.

-What are you doing dressed up as my mother?

-I told you.

-I don't wear pyjamas.

-All right, mate.

I didn't really fancy Gordon.

I mean, when I look at him I don't fancy him.

But, um, I couldn't marry someone I didn't fancy at all, you know.

But if he's not here, just the idea of, um...

I've not been blessed by the god of beauty,

but I've got a sizeable personality.

Oh, a smashing personality. Really versatile.

Human Remains combined the unique writing

and acting talents of Rob Brydon and Julia Davies.

The series consisted of six individual stories

looking at the darker side of character comedy.

You've been late for work three days. Bit of role-play.

Human Remains was a difficult sell because, on paper,

Julia and myself were still pretty unknown.

She was working with really good people

and I was about to do Marion And Jeff,

but I was unknown.

During intercourse, the vaginal walls contract to the point

where penile accommodation is absolutely impossible.

Even a small penis feels like an aubergine.

Six different characters, so it's hard to build an audience with that

because people aren't coming back to anything they know.

You're asking them to start again each week

with two unknowns and quite dark stuff.

I says he should have a cot really

but Stephen says it's a waste of money and he'll be fine in a bed.

-Give him some freedom.

-Start him off in a bed, I say.

Let him grow up a bit, you know.

Have him in with us to start with.

Um...

Going to give him an advantage in life.

We're going to call him Stephen, you know, regardless.

Not pregnant as such, but...

..you know, could happen at any time.

Whatever the version was at the time,

whether it was Trisha or Vanessa

or whatever these precursors to Jeremy Kyle were,

certainly informed some of Human Remains and some of the characters.

Oh, 'Chelle!

Hands up who's got wood!

Layt, hands up who's got wood.

Celebrity cult comedy characters now from the talented John Sessions

and Phil Cornwell, down on Stella Street.

Behind all these closed doors live some of the most famous

people from stage and screen from the last 40 years.

Jack Nicholson, Joe Pesci, Jimmy Hill.

-Al Pacino.

-Get yourself down the shop!

And the Rolling Stones.

'Ere, what you done with all those tins of peaches?

The original idea I think we had was Mick and Keith running a corner shop

or a grocery store.

-What you done with them?

-I don't know. I give up. Where are they?

-We did the same with the Beatles.

-Oh, yeah, we carved them up.

We both wanted to play John, obviously,

but I could do a Paul, I could do a George.

AS JOHN LENNON: And I sort of decided to take John, you know.

-Let's do something, shall we?

-OK.

A one, two, three, four.

# I should have put some butter on my toast today

# But the cornflakes have floated away. #

-Michael Caine himself was...

-I think he got fed up of it.

-I think, after a couple of years.

-He probably did.

Me dishwasher's broken. Do you know anyone who can fix it?

Ah, now, you need Dean at number 14.

He will fix it quicker than you can say Aladdin Sane.

Oh, blimey, that is quick!

Our next cult character is from Coogan's Run.

A series of six one-off stories

featuring larger than life characters

all played by Steve Coogan

including Paul and Pauline Calf, Mike Crystal

and from the episode Dearth Of A Salesman, Gareth Cheeseman.

My name is Gareth Cheeseman. It's an emergency.

There's been an awful accident.

The whole of the windscreen and the bonnet. I'll need towing.

And I suppose you'd better send an ambulance as well.

Steve Coogan comes out of voices cos he did Spitting Image.

You're the best. You're number one.

You're a TIGER!

RAAARRRR!

RAAARRRR!

He is a genuine great British comedian.

I'm looking at her right now.

Anti-lock brakes, alloy wheels, air con.

Hey, you! Yeah, you! Get away from that car! Go on, bugger off!

'He doesn't mean to hog the screen. He really doesn't.'

But there's something about him

that just draws the attention on the screen.

One big sale and I'm in the diamond club, yeah.

What? Yeah, yeah. No, we should get together.

Shoot a game of pool like the old days.

Yeah, listen, just you and me on the town. We'll get completely rat-arsed.

Yeah, all right.

OK, bye, Mum, bye.

Time now to load up some rare comedy archive.

Inside BBC Two's comedy vaults

there are shows that haven't been broadcast in decades

and we're going to start this section

with an Alan Bennett classic.

Yes, right, well, the telegram.

Right. No, no, 'right' isn't the telegram, no.

I think BBC Two should be prosecuted for crimes against humanity

because it wiped On The Margin, the brilliant Alan Bennett series.

Not all of On The Margin was wiped

and, as way of an apology, Mr Idle, here is a sketch recently uncovered.

I want to sign it Goody-Goody Gumdrops.

GG Gumdrops would be cheaper?

Yes, it sounds rather absurd, really, doesn't it?

I don't really want to save a shilling simply in order to

sound absurd.

No, Goody-Goody Gumdrops in full, yes,

and then I want to end up "Norwich".

Yes.

Well, it's an epigrammatic way of saying,

"Knickers Off Ready When I Come Home!"

LAUGHTER

Yes, well... It's...

It's the initial letters, you see, of each word, yes.

Um, I know knickers is spelt with a K.

LAUGHTER

I did go to Oxford. That was one of the first things they taught us.

Before The Goodies became one of comedy's most loved threesomes,

Graeme Garden and Tim Brooke-Taylor wrote and performed together

on a number of sketch shows, including Broaden Your Mind,

which hasn't been shown on British television for nearly 45 years.

Do you know why policemen were originally called peelers?

THEME FROM "THE STRIPPER" PLAYS

'Tim and Graeme has been doing a series called Broaden Your Mind'

which was quintessential BBC Two cos it was not only sketches

and bits and pieces with themes, it was very clever.

Tonight I wish to tell you about Turgonitis, a little-known

but very nasty disease.

I was the boffin, mainly because I wore glasses

and partly because I've got a background in medicine.

-He's a doctor. For heaven's sake, he's a doctor.

-Yes.

-Exactly.

-That doesn't make you a boffin.

-It's more boffin-ish than us, isn't it?

I don't know. You've got a degree.

Let us take a look at the, how do you say in English, the symptoms?

First of all there is the little itch behind the ear.

The infuriating little itch and you have to scratch.

Then the itching starts to spread down the shoulders

and round the back.

Suddenly it stops and you feel fine.

It is at this moment that the left arm drops off.

Your chair collapses

and the standard lamp falls on your head.

Now you're thinking, is there no cure for this disease?

The answer is yes,

there is no cure.

Next, Beyond A Joke -

a sketch show from the combined talents of John Bird, Barrie Ingham

and Eleanor Bron.

Oh, I think I preferred the first one I tried.

'There was a programme called Beyond A Joke, Eleanor Bron's series.'

The abiding memory I have of it is the signature tune which was

her basically sitting at a piano

attempting to play a piece of music badly.

# There's

# A

# Song

# In the...

# The air. #

It was a kind of revolutionary way of starting a show.

I particularly loved John Bird. I don't know why.

There was something so ordinary about him.

He had this colossal, wonderful comic imagination.

-Hello, Jean.

-Geoffrey.

-Another beautiful day.

-Yes.

Heaven really looks at its best on a day like this, doesn't it?

Heaven always look as its best.

'He always loves coming to visit me in this beautiful building

'that I'm the head of, which is Small Catastrophes.'

Jean, this chap you're going to kill in Norfolk.

Ah, yes. Him.

You've got him down to be killed by an avalanche.

Dear Jean, if you so wish, of course,

but do you realise the cost of producing an avalanche

in Norfolk?

'It's beautifully conceived.'

It is a most near-perfect sketch, I would say.

My job down the road in Innocence Protection...

LAUGHTER

..is to protect the innocent.

And my job's to kill them.

LAUGHTER

There's a definite policy clash here.

Every method I come up with, tidal waves, giant hailstones,

earth tremors, you try and block it.

All I'm saying is does it have to be this particular chap in Norfolk?

Couldn't you bring the avalanche down on somebody

who lives at the foot of a mountain already?

But that would be banal!

The whole point of the operation is to enrich the texture of life,

to engender a sense of wonder at the possibilities of the world,

to keep alive a sense of awe.

You must expect to make a few sacrifices for that.

Well, Jean, I can't help feeling there's a lot to be said for

the good, old-fashioned, well-tried...

BOTH: Flash of lightning.

A rarely seen sketch show from the early '70s was Up Sunday.

A satirical look at the week's events,

it featured some of the biggest names in comedy

including Willie Rushton, Clive James

and a weekly spot for the young and innovative clown of comedy,

Kenny Everett.

The train now standing at platform five is the 5.43 to Dorking,

Haywards Heath, Horsham and Brighton.

PHONE RINGS

Hello? What? There's a go-slow? Oh, all right.

SPEAKS SLOWLY: The train now standing in...

PHONE RINGS

Hello? Not slow enough? My God, OK.

SPEAKS EVEN SLOWER: The...train...

Of course, this wouldn't happen if the whole thing was handed over

to a private, money-grabbing, commercial concern.

CAMP AMERICAN ACCENT: Hi, passengers!

# This is the station designed to remove your cares

# Yes, this is the railway The real way to get you there

# So simply get in and take a chair

# It's guaranteed to be

# Fun for you and me

# So, climb aboard and let us be on our way. #

Oh In Colour is a Spike Milligan series from 1970.

And, despite the title,

only black and white copies remain of this rare Milligan masterpiece.

Spike's show was called Oh In Colour which was a great title.

Spike is wonderfully bizarre and weird and odd

and he seemed to be more in search of the bizarre and weird and odd

than the big laughs.

# And the flickering shadows

# Softly come and go

# Though the heart beat... #

Right.

He's sacked.

And he had John Bluthal, who was a really funny performer.

And if that joke doesn't win me the Montreux Award,

my name isn't John Bluthal. Wait a minute, my name ISN'T John Bluthal!

Then I must be John Bluthal.

Who am I then?

He represents what happens

when you let a bone fide genius have free rein.

What effect will a new Conservative government have upon medicine?

Witness this battle between the Conservative and Socialist surgeon.

Sorry I'm a bit late. The buses were running a bit...

Spike Milligan,

just about the most surreal voice comedy has come up with

in living memory.

-Why don't you do a coalition operation?

-Splendid idea!

THEY JABBER

Splendid! A coalition operation.

We will split 50/50 down the middle.

-50/50? It's half each or nothing at all.

-Very good then.

I'll have half each and you'll have nothing at all.

I may look like an idiot,

but I am.

Believe me, I've got no confidence in this sketch.

Neither have I, but we ran out of rewrites.

You can imagine Spike Milligan working

really on BBC One, I don't think.

No, he absolutely needed that niche,

slightly weird freedom that you get from BBC Two.

-The patient is dead.

-DEAD?!

-Dead.

-Dead?

-Dead?

-Dead.

-Well, follow that.

-Which way did he go?

-This way.

# Rum-pum-pum-pum. #

I've still got no confidence in this bloody sketch!

LAUGHTER

Next, Peter Cook and Dudley Moore.

This rare footage of their West End stage show, Behind The Fridge,

hasn't been shown since it was first broadcast in 1974

and is the final public performance of one of the greatest double acts

in British comedy history.

I was reading quite an interesting article about the emancipation

of women by Miss Germaine Greer.

I think she's raised a number of interesting and salient points.

Yeah, she raised two on the cover that caught my attention.

I don't follow you there, Dud. There's nothing written on the cover.

No, Pete, the points I'm referring to are not of a literary nature.

'Pete and Dud is a bloke in a flat cap

'and another bloke in a flat cap just talking.'

And that feels very, very modern, that stripping down of comedy

to something purer.

I ask you, did we males force the females into their brassieres?

-At no time.

-I've been trying for years to get them out of them!

LAUGHTER

And who was it who invented the brassiere?

'Well, they make each other laugh, don't they?'

Dudley Moore in particular is laughing.

For that matter, who was it that invented the artificial moustache?

Einstein.

-No, it won't stick on.

-No?

No. What I say is bung it.

Lo and behold, Rudolph Valentino.

Peter Cook always insisted on creating a script

so there was always something to come back to,

but that he could vary it by taking flight.

-Who was it who invented the brassiere for the benefit of ladies?

-Who?

-A man.

-Oh, you might have known.

The celebrated German, Otto Titsling.

LAUGHTER

And we're staying with Peter Cook

as we explore some of the comedy specials made for BBC Two.

Peter Cook's comedy creation, Sir Arthur Streeb-Greebling,

was given his own special in 1990

where Sir Arthur was interviewed in depth

by the highly respected journalist and broadcaster, Ludovic Kennedy.

Streeb-Greebling, Sir Arthur, that's a very unusual name.

Yes, the Streebs originally hailed from Iceland,

or Norway as it was then, in what is now modern Denmark.

Streeb is in fact a corruption of the original Norsk name, Stroob.

Do you speak any Lapp yourself?

I have a smattering, or a smootering as they call it.

They don't in fact call it Lapp. They call it Loop.

Yes, I do have a smootering of Loop.

A few words, stroob, stoob, loob.

What about your mother?

Whenever I think of my dear mother I have an abiding image of a small,

kindly, plump, grey-haired lady pottering at the sink.

"Get away from the bloody sink!" my mother would yell at her,

"And get out of my kitchen, you awful plump little kindly woman!"

We never found out who she was.

Drove us all, and I mean absolutely all of us, stark raving mad.

Predating fly-on-the-wall mockumentaries like Spinal Tap

by over a decade, Black Safari spoofed British explorers

from the 19th century by taking a group of African and Caribbean

actors to chart the godless tribes of North West England.

'This was our gateway to the maze of watery channels

'on which the British tribes rely

'for all their communications.

'Four Africans alone in savage Lancashire.'

-Hello, are you Dougla?

-It's Douglas, actually, sir.

-Oh, Douglas.

-May I welcome you to these shores, sir?

-Yes, yes, come aboard.

-Welcome aboard.

-Can I jump on your deck?

-Yes, please do.

'Our guide, Douglas, was a strong and sturdy tribesman,

'a fine figure in his typical regalia.'

-Hello, Douglas.

-How do you do, ma'am?

-This is Douglas.

-How do you do, sir?

-Call me Bwana.

-Bwana, sir. Very good, sir.

'To help with the boat, Yemi engaged Gil,

'a picturesque fuzzy-wuzzy of the

'nomadic hippie tribe found all over Britain.

'So, the black expedition penetrated deeper into the British

'waterway system in search for the geographical centre of Britain.'

We'd like to ask you a few questions.

We're doing, er, an anthropological...

-I'm having me tea, love.

-Oh, you are!

-What activity do you...?

-Nothing. Just watch television.

-Mm, but do you enjoy that?

-And knit.

Would you say that the patrilineal or agnatic kinship,

or the matrilineal or uterine kinship patterns are the norm?

Er, I think if you ask next door, eh?

Now, your witches, witchcraft and wizards here.

There's the Masons, we'll say,

-or the Oddfellows or...

-Oh, yes.

-..or things like this,

but we don't have any witchcraft or wizardry in the town.

'So far from home, we planted our tattered flag in the virgin ground

'and photographed ourselves for Africa and posterity.

'My God.

'This is an awful place.'

Clinton: His Struggle With Dirt

was a one-off from The Thick Of It creator Armando Iannucci.

Set in the future, it re-invented the past,

which at the time was the present.

Got it?

'In 1998, the post of President came close to being destroyed

'by the actions of one man and 11 or 12 women.'

At the height of the Monica Lewinsky scandal with Clinton

I did a one-off for BBC Two called, Clinton: His Struggle With Dirt.

'Recent evidence suggests that not only was he having an affair

'with Lewinsky at the time,

'but that she was actually carrying on the affair under him

'during this televised denial.'

-HIS VOICE CRACKS I

-did not have SEXUAL relations

with that woman, Miss Lewinsky.

I never told anybody to lie.

Not a single time. Never!

These allegations are FALSE!

And we had, like, an 80-year-old Bill Clinton talking about the event.

-TRANSLATION:

-I maintain to this day that I did not have sexual relations

inside Monica Lewinsky.

..She was FLANNEL, Monica Lewinsky!

And then, because it was meant to be, like, a fake history programme,

it had that manipulation of footage, news footage,

to make a new narrative.

'At one point, it clearly shows

'the President using a ladder on Monica Lewinsky.'

I burst the rumpy...

-TRANSLATION:

-Though I didn't have sexual relations with Monica Lewinsky,

I did have sexual relations six feet away from her.

..six bounces from her skin.

'The footage showed a succession of playful, intimate moments

'between the two, as they embraced, exchanged gifts, went chair racing,

'took it up the arse, and played boinging games.'

Armando Iannucci then took the premise of

Clinton: His Struggle With Dirt

to be the basis for his cult TV series, Time Trumpet.

'In 2030, Time Trumpet catches up with older versions

'of celebrities who were famous then.

'Fashion guru David Beckham will be telling us about the time

'he had a woman's vagina sewn into his arm.'

Whose vagina was it?

I don't know. All I know was that she didn't want it any more.

Time Trumpet took that fake history idea and then married it to,

you know, those insane and inane programmes

where, you know, personalities sit in front of a camera

talking about TV shows of the past, you know those? Those shows.

'We'll also be talking to today's leading cultural commentators.'

Deal or no deal?

Deal.

Sorry, I've no idea what you said. I was trying to be punchy.

That format gave me the chance to project forward, so, erm...

Which allowed you to say things about people that hadn't happened,

so therefore you weren't being libellous.

'Richard Branson's cloned himself to stand at street corners

'hitting his groin with a hammer just because he could.

'And David Beckham's decided to turn himself into a centaur.'

..And then the body of an headless horse was grafted below my spine.

The same surgeon that did Victoria's boobs, actually.

Before Billy Connolly became the most famous stand-up in the country,

he gave this one-off performance for BBC Two.

Such was his reputation and talent, he was given a 40-minute special

despite being a newcomer to British audiences.

Everybody thinks that Scottish soldiers are brave, marching aboot,

which, of course, they are.

But see all that stuff,

all running aboot with bayonets in the First World War?

It's kind of deceiving because what really happened,

they told them there was a half bottle just beyond the Germans.

LAUGHTER

"Right, lads, over the top and get intae these people!

"No prisoners!" And away they went.

HE IMPERSONATES BAGPIPES # Deedle-dah-de-deedle-diddle-dee

# Diddle-ee-dun-dah diddle-ee-dun-dah

# Doodle-oo-dee-diddle-diddle-ee... #

HE IMPERSONATES GUNFIRE Boom! Crash! Di-di-di-di-di! Boom!

Ten of them left.

# Deedle daddle dee, dee deedle-da-da

# Deedle-deedle-dee... #

Boom! Rat-a-tat! Boof! Four of them.

# Deedle-ah-dah, deedle dah! Dee-deedle-ee-dee

# Deedle-eedle-dee, deedle-dee... #

Boom! Boom! Boom!

# Deedle-ah-da... #

One of them left. He's going along beside the piper,

and he says, "Hey, Jimmy!" "Wh..? What is it?"

"Can you no' play something they like?"

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

And now a chance to look at the cream of American comedians

who have appeared on BBC Two, kicking off with Bill Hicks

and his first performance on the channel in 1992.

This whole anti-drug campaign going on I think stinks.

You know why? Cos drugs have done good things for us,

and if you don't believe they have, do me a favour, would you?

Go home and take all your albums, your tapes and your CDs...

and burn 'em. You know why?

The musicians who made that music

that's enhanced your lives throughout the years?

R-r-real high on drugs, OK?

OK.

Man, the Beatles were so high they let Ringo sing a couple of tunes.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Tell me they weren't partying!

# We all live in a yellow submarine. #

"We all live in a yellow..."

You know how high they were when they wrote that?

They had to pull Ringo off the ceiling with a rake

to sing that song.

"John, get Ringo. He's in the corner.

"Wow, look at him scoot, grab him!

"John, he has a song he wants to sing us,

"something about living in a yellow tambourine or something.

"Ringo, come down! Yoko's gone, we can party again!"

Next in our trawl through BBC Two's comedy vaults is

one of the most unique comedians America has ever produced.

In his first performance on British TV, it's Steven Wright.

One time right in the middle of a job interview

I took out a book and I started reading.

The guy said, "What the hell are you doing?"

I said, "Let me ask you one question. If you were in a vehicle

"and you were travelling at the speed of light,

"and then you turned your lights on, would they do anything?"

LAUGHTER

He said, "I don't know."

I said, "Forget it, then, I don't want to work for you."

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

I got food poisoning today.

I don't know when I'm going to use it.

LAUGHTER

I was travelling with my friend George.

Some people think George is weird

because he has sideburns behind his ears.

LAUGHTER

I think he's weird cos he has false teeth but he has braces on them.

LAUGHTER

Are there any questions?

LAUGHTER

I got up the other day and everything in my apartment had been stolen

and replaced with an exact replica.

LAUGHTER

I couldn't believe it, I called my roommate in, I said,

"Come here, look at this stuff,

"it's all an exact replica. What do you think?"

He said, "Do I know you?"

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Jon Stewart is now one of the most famous comedians

and satirists in America.

But long before he became the star of The Daily Show,

here he is doing stand-up on BBC Two.

I'm a Jew, you know. Not that I got to choose it.

You never get to choose your religion.

It just chooses you, you know?

Now I've got to follow all these rules of the Jewish faith

that don't even make sense to me.

Here are the rules of the Jewish religion as far as I can tell.

See if you can follow the logic.

"Thou shalt not kill.

"Thou shalt not commit adultery.

"Don't eat pork."

LAUGHTER

"I'm sorry, what was that last one?"

"Don't eat pork, God has spoken."

Is that the word of God or is that just

pigs trying to outsmart everybody? What does God care?

Does he have a beef business in Nebraska we're ruining?

You know, every religion's got these bizarre rules.

Catholics? You guys have terrible rules.

"Don't masturbate!"

"How'd you find out about that?"

"I'm God, I'm everywhere, don't masturbate!"

"Damn!"

"What about pork?" "Yeah, go ahead, have a sandwich. What do I care?"

Catholics, they can eat the pork,

they just can't play with it. See, they draw the line.

Now a Hollywood star, Denis Leary started his career as a stand-up.

And his first appearance on BBC Two was in 1992 on London Underground.

I saw Keith Richards do an ad in the United States on MTV

telling kids not to do drugs.

Keith Richards came on television one night doing an ad saying,

"Kids, don't do drugs."

Keith, we can't do any more drugs cos you already did 'em all!

LAUGHTER

There's none left!

We have to wait until you die and then smoke your ashes, OK?

Every time I read about some famous guy overdosing on drugs,

it's always some really talented guy.

It's always like Janis Joplin or Jimi Hendrix or John Belushi.

The people you want to overdose on drugs never would.

The New Kids On The Block would never overdose, man!

You could put them in a room with two tons of crack,

they'd come out half an hour later, "Rock on, man, yeah!"

"Oh, my God, they're still alive!"

Our last withdrawal from the Comedy Vaults

is our section First On Two, as we look at the shows

which gave some of the biggest names in the business their big break.

The first ever TV appearance of French and Saunders

was their very brief guest spot on the live chat show

Friday Night, Saturday Morning.

-I'm home!

-Yeah, yeah.

-Woo! Polly and...

-Della...

BOTH: Farton! Yoo! Woo! Woo!

-Ah-ha-ha-ha!

-Thank you!

-Thank you!

-We're home! We're home!

Cos I'd like to tell you,

while we was born and raised right here in West Plains, Delaware...

-Virginia.

-Tennessee.

-Ohio.

-Ohio.

I saw them first

playing to at least 40 people doing characters, which...

And it's amazing how quickly they then moved onto television.

They did Friday Night, Saturday Morning

with two of the characters they were doing then.

We're singing you a new song tonight,

and this song is from our movie, Kentucky Fried Daughters.

-That's right, we did that movie with, er, Jane Fondue.

-Yeah.

-And it's a simple song.

-Yeah, it's for folk like you.

But it's complicated, you know, it's complicated.

-Yeah, I guess you could say it's a simply complicated song.

-Mm.

-Yeah.

They were always a funny act,

and I think I may just about dare say and still work with them,

that this was a period when, er,

Jennifer Saunders was slightly larger than Dawn French.

See if you can spot the difference, viewers.

# And we're just country girls

# At heart

# Hea-a-art

# Hea-a-art

# Har-har-heart! #

-Woo! Thank you!

-Woo!

APPLAUSE

Harry Hill's first ever TV appearance was on BBC Two in 1994

in his mini-series Harry Hill's Fruit Fancies.

Each episode was 10 ten minutes long, in black and white,

and with no dialogue.

Back then he even had hair.

The one that was Punch & Judy, I was Judy and Harry was Punch.

It's actually funny to see Harry's emerging style, really,

cos it's all so silly.

When you see, like, a dummy being thrown up in the air.

And there's no attempt at all to make it look real.

And I think the joke's in the fact that something is clearly not real.

Next up, a sketch show

which not only nurtured the early careers of Mitchell and Webb,

but which also gave a number of young comedians and comedy actors

their first break,

including Matt Holness...

Know why I do amateur gymnastics? Cos it's pussy on a stick.

..Olivia Colman and Martin Freeman.

-Gary, you're definitely not gay.

-Yes, I am.

All right, if you're so gay,

why have you still got that Pirelli calendar with all them birds on it?

Well, look, I mean, it's...

I've only been gay since last Tuesday.

I'm not going to go off tits completely, like, all of a sudden.

It's a slow process. I have obviously gone off yours.

-What's wrong with my tits?

-Nothing's wrong with 'em, Samantha,

I'm just saying that I'm slowly coming to terms with being a homo,

and now I'd probably prefer to look at some bloke's cute arse.

I'm sorry, Gary, I just don't believe you.

-Can I have my beads back, please?

-No, I like 'em.

People have to start somewhere.

I suspect if you looked at the viewing figures they were tiny,

but it was a lot of people who kind of went on to do good things.

-I've ordered 20 MC-2000s for the office.

-Fantastic.

-They're Disk Magazine's top tip.

-Bollocks!

I beg your pardon?

MC-2000s are total jism,

and I'm the poor gonad who's going to have to sod about with them.

-What's wrong with them?

-They're wank, they'll shag your hardware.

Disk Magazine says they're superb.

Disk Magazine's for knobheads.

That was on, you know, solidly before midnight, so I knew

I'd made it, cos that's prime time, isn't it, before midnight?

-Those machines are offensively arse.

-I've ordered them now.

-Well, you're a tit. Un-order them.

-I don't think I can.

-Then you're shafted.

-They can't be that bad, can they?

Erm, basically, your problem's the hardware.

I mean, I could bodge it with some motherboards

but it's going to be shagged for a week. It's toss.

Bruiser was filmed in 1999 and transmitted in 2000.

We're still waiting to hear about Series Two.

And now please give a big cheer to Pussy On A Stick!

CHEERING

Introducing Roger Green!

CHEERING CONTINUES

John Cassels!

CHEERING CONTINUES

Jimmy Da Rue!

SUDDEN SILENCE

And Richard Drake!

CHEERING RESUMES

I think the first time I appeared on BBC Two would probably have been

on a show called The Oxford Roadshow.

We basically did our radio show on television.

# Radio Active! #

Broadcasting to you locally wherever you are in the nation,

this is Britain's first national local radio station.

The get-up-and-go station, the station that puts action first.

It's Radio Active.

I wrote it with a guy who's no longer with us sadly

called Geoffrey Perkins.

-Hi, Mike!

-Well, how's tricks?

-Oh, she's fine!

-Super.

-Great, yes.

And, er, what have you got on for us tonight, Mike?

Oh, just the usual pair of jeans.

Terrific.

'There was Mike Fenton Stevens, Philip Pope,'

and Helen Atkinson-Wood.

Well, Mike, have we got some bargains for you?

Sorry?

-SHE LAUGHS

-Have we got some bargains for YOU!

LAUGHTER

'It was so successful that we then waited about another nine years

'before eventually getting it on regular BBC Two,

'and it became KYTV.'

The same characters, roughly the same jokes, slightly different order,

and it was a TV station rather than a radio station.

Death, is it a bad thing?

I think, for the person dying, I would have to say yes.

Chris, mass murder - a fair means to an end?

Well, as you know, I'm an expert...

Oh, good lord, no!

-General?

-I'm so sorry, I was listening to the Test Match.

LAUGHTER

So it sort of started out as parodying Sky News,

I suppose, or Sky TV.

Yes, I've come outside our studios now to show you the glorious view

from our balcony which overlooks St Paul's here in the heart of London.

It wasn't an immediate success, it wasn't like overnight stardom.

Opposite, in fact.

-General, discussion.

-What?

Oh, I'm sorry, I was looking at my notes.

General discussion.

And it ran for three series, I think. And then what happened? I don't know.

Never got the call.

And now, Stephen Fry and Hugh Laurie's

first ever TV appearance together.

As part of the Cambridge Footlights Revue,

the 24-year-old Fry guides the 22-year-old Laurie

in a Shakespearean Actor's Masterclass.

We're very lucky to have with us in the studio this evening Hugh.

-Hello, Hugh.

-Hi.

-Hi! Erm...

LAUGHTER

What have you prepared for us this evening, Hugh?

Er, I have a speech from Troilus, 3-3.

Er, it's the Ulysses speech.

The Ulysses speech, T&C, 3-3.

That's on page 66 in your Cambridge editions

if you'd like to follow at home.

'Fry and Laurie were absolutely brilliant.

'They came out of the Footlights, of course,

'and they were very experimental.'

They were the brightest and the best.

-Hugh?

-Yes?

Why are you squatting?

-Oh, sorry, I...

-I don't think we're ready for that yet, are we?

-No.

They did sketches that more mainstream comics

probably couldn't because...

I think probably because they were Cambridgey and a bit clever

and nobody... And they...

In the '80s, that was almost a good thing. That was still a good thing.

Hugh, what I want you to do now is see how great the strides we've made

have been by reading the rest of the speech as well

-using what we've learnt.

-OK.

-All right.

-Right.

"TIME hath, my lord, a wallet at his back,

"where he put alms for oblivion,

"a great sized monster of ingratitude."

Well, as you can see, still a very long way to go there.

Designed for the under-25s,

The Sunday Show was broadcast live from Manchester on Sunday lunchtime.

It featured a number of young comedians

and was the first time this man bounced onto our screens.

Yes, folks, it's Christmas,

and it's your very own That's Entertainment doll.

Cute, isn't he?

Your very own walking, talking, living doll.

He not only walks like me but he also talks like me, listen.

-SQUEAKY VOICE

-If it's entertaining,

then it must be entertainment!

The Sunday Show was also the first time we saw Paul Kaye's creation

Dennis Pennis, the scourge of the celebrity.

You know the one good thing about all your problems at the moment?

You haven't got time to worry about your weight.

Jeffrey, can I just say,

over the years you've been accused of speaking quite a lot of crap.

I just wondered if you had any comment.

LAUGHTER

Dennis Pennis was Paul Kaye's first outing.

Why did the model stare at the orange juice?

I don't understand what you're saying. I'm a model, I'm stupid.

Yeah, but why was she staring at the orange juice?

Because we like C vitamins.

No, because it said concentrate on the carton.

See ya.

Concentrate on the what?

Carton.

I didn't get it, but, er, I guess I wasn't supposed to.

You certainly weren't!

His idea was this sort of ambush TV, er, that then, you know,

Chris Morris and Sacha Baron Cohen picked up the baton and ran with.

-Hi.

-Oh,

-BLEEP

-off!

He did it to me, and obviously I didn't know who he was.

I don't know you very well.

In fact, we very recently met.

-But, erm...

-About 30 seconds ago, yeah.

-30 seconds ago,

and it might seem a bit upfront to ask you something like this,

but is there any chance you might be able to pick up my grandmother

tomorrow afternoon? I'm running really late, I got a very busy day,

she's a really nice woman, she's very easy to get on with...

I thought, "This is a slightly strange interview." I thought

I was going to be promoting my latest project, erm, so I thought,

"Ah, we're in the middle of a sketch here," so just kind of ran with it.

-Er, and it's just for an hour.

-Mm.

And if she likes you maybe you'll make it a regular thing every week.

-Well, ordinarily I'd say no.

-Right.

-Er, so, no.

-Great!

-Listen, you're very popular in the UK, you know.

-Yes.

They even named a cushion after you!

And please don't adjust your sets,

it's just a little paranormal activity coming now on BBC Two,

as Mulder and Scully decipher the latest mysterious events

in a new series of Thex Fillets!

Comedy Nation was one of the BBC's attempts to try

and sort of capture the lively,

thrusting young comedy people who were around

by doing something for next to no budget as late at night as possible.

HE SCREAMS

The show was full of young, up-and-coming comedians

who were allowed to stay up late,

including Fiona Allen and Phill Jupitus...

Doing a video diary.

What time's dinner?

..Peter Serafinowicz...

Hi, I'm Brian May.

..and Julia Davis.

BRISTOL ACCENT I'm tripping, brother.

I'm ripping other...

things off of my body.

I've got a face like Noddy!

My first break in television was on BBC Two in Comedy Nation,

and it was an extremely cheap programme.

-Jarvis, wake up, you lazy bastard!

-Don't leave me!

Oh, sorry, sir. I must have fallen asleep.

Jarvis, do you begin every morning

with such a brilliant piece of deduction(?)

You were paid 15p and you turned up with your own costume,

so, you know, don't write a sketch about Superman.

I am now completely addicted to opium, and as a result,

in order to sustain my habit, I've decided to halve your wages.

Thank you very much, sir.

We did a couple of painfully derivative, er,

"we wish we were Fry and Laurie" sketches.

-What does it take to get a rise out of you?

-I'm sorry, sir?

It's an Americanism, Jarvis, from America.

You know, lots of charming people, lots of bright ideas about equality

and enterprise and earning your liberty.

Unlike you, Jarvis. You're never going to earn your liberty,

and from tomorrow, you're not going to earn anything at all.

-I'm happy with my station, sir.

-Oh, piss off!

BBC Two have always offered that next stepping stone from...

well, in our case, Edinburgh, or from Radio Four or...

It's the next thing you try and do.

Hello! Are you come to party?

Comedy Nation was also responsible

for the network debut of this foreign correspondent.

Though back then he was travelling under a different passport.

Dzien dobry.

I am here from Albania televiskja.

We go to visit Mrs Claire, she is match maker.

She introduce men to women for them to fall in love.

-Be careful.

-Why?

-Because you can hurt the...

Exactly! That's why I'm doing it, Christo, because he likes it.

-There we are, you see, stirrups.

-Yes.

So there is, sometimes you have a horse in here, sometimes...?

Sometimes I have a man pretending to be a horse.

The one I remember particularly was Sacha Baron Cohen,

and I remember him partly because just previously to this

he had come into my office and said, "I think I should have a series."

And, I mean, obviously I should have said yes, with hindsight.

-Would you like to take off your jacket?

-Yes, for gold shower.

For gold shower, yes.

It's very strange, crazy feeling to be in gold shower,

to be inside toilet is very strange.

But exciting.

Well, that's the climax of our show.

And what a way to go out.

# Ah, goodbye, goodbye... #

We hope you've enjoyed our special tour of the rare, wonderful

and weird we have inside the comedy vaults.

So let's do it all again in 2064.

Good night.

# Goodbye

# We wish a fond goodbye Fa-da-da-da-da

# Goodbye, goodbye

# We're leaving you, skiddly-da

# Goodbye

# We wish you fond goodbye Fa-ta-ta-ta, fa-ta-la-ta

# Ah, goodbye, goodbye

# We're leaving you, skiddly-da

# Goodbye

# We wish a fond goodbye Fa-da-da-da-da

# Goodbye

# We wish a fond goodbye! #

APPLAUSE