What's Funny About the Indyref?

This programme contains some strong language

Court martialled for cowardice and desertion.

Don't freak me oot.

Freaked out enough as it is already.

Firing squad. Is that what you want?

What did I just say?

I tell you, man.

See before this independence it was a lot more fun

being in the tartan army.

So, that's basically why Scotland, which is...where?

The hilly bit at the top?

Kind of. Is having a referendum.

Any questions?

-Lauren.

-If Scotland leave us, will they actually have to move it?

Move what? Scotland.

Like, with tugboats and stuff.

No. No, it's an ideological separation.

-Christian.

-Why are all Scottish people ginger?

-They're not.

Ed Sheeran is.

He's not Scottish.

He sounds Scottish.

-May-Sue.

-You know shortbread? Can you get longbread?

-Definitely not.

-Medium-sized bread?

Phillipa?

Are Scottish A levels called highers because of the mountains or

because Scottish people are full of drugs?

-Neither. Damian Lewis is a ginge.

-He's not Scottish.

Well, they look Scottish.

Phillipa? Why is Scotland full of midgets?

-What?

-Me dad went to Inverness once and he got bitten by midgets.

Midgies. He means midgies.

There was seven of them in the panto.

-If someone from Scotland was to go to England, would they die?

-No.

Even if it were really sunny? Maybe.

-Lauren.

-The bagpipes cause cancer?

-That's ridiculous.

-So are bagpipes, to be fair.

-Right, that's it. Come on. Stop it.

Stop it now.

This is an important subject. Sorry sir. Now, any serious questions?

-Phillipa.

-Sir, what's Wales?

A recent statistic has revealed that 83% of the population feel

they have a strong national identity.

The other 17% feel Scot...ish.

It's a well known fact that Scotland's a left-leaning country.

That's why we have a nationalist government.

Hello, sorry to bother you.

I'm campaigning on behalf of the English,

who'd like a vote in the referendum.

-What?

-All I've ever wanted since the day I was born is to be Scottish.

I have all your comedians on DVD.

Billy Connolly, and...that other one,

and I really get off on your acceptable TV accent.

But instead of being Scottish I'm stuck with a trust fund

and two holiday homes in the country.

Those men.

That sexy, brooding anger and those bleak indie films that draw me

in like all of us is drawn to River City.

My favourite Bond is definitely Sean Connery.

Or that Welsh one.

We've been so good together, and if I'm honest, I want a vote.

And I'd vote No. I'd vote to stay together forever.

All sort of bitter and twisted, till we both die or one of us

just kills the other.

Both our flags are dull apart, but united,

we're a well-recognised mess.

So, what do you say, pal?

I'd say piss aff.

So Scottish.

Why do we want to be independent when it's all going so well? Like this.

Or this. Brilliant.

Why do we want to be independent when it's all going so well? Like this.

Or this. Brilliant.

Why do we want to be independent when it's all going so well? Like this.

Or this. Brilliant.

The Scotland Office?

This is Louise speaking.

No, we're not the Royal Bank of Scotland.

I can't, no. I can't redirect you.

Well, it's just not something we do

because we're not the Royal Bank of Scotland.

The Scotland Office, yes.

We represent Scottish interests within the UK government

and we represent the UK government in Scotland.

We're very important.

Hello?

All right, mate?

Dave, my man. I'm stuck in work. Have they announced the result?

They just announced who won the referendum.

Aye? Aye.

What you mean "aye"? Do you mean "aye" aye?

Aye. Aye.

You mean it was aye?

Aye? Pfff. Naw.

Naw. Naw?

Aye.

Naw?

Naw.

Aye.

Aye.

Aye it was aye or naw it was naw?

Eh, you know the rules, McPherson.

Did you get permission to make that private phone call?

Eh...aye.

Aye?

Naw.

Naw?

Aye, naw.

-You going to tell me what that says, aye?

-Naw.

I don't know if I like being independent.

I feel like I have dignity and people actually listen to me.

We best go back.

Excuse me, have you shown me your polling card?

Och aye.

That ah have.

No, that you haven't.

What's your name?

Eh...it's...Jack.

Jackie McVoting.

-Jock Booth would've been better.

-Oh, aye.

Actually, that's me.

What's your real name?

Rose. You're English, aren't you, Rose?

I am, yeah.

You've got a haggis stuck to the front of your kilt.

I thought it was one of those...you know?

Sporrans?

-No, that's food.

-Stop.

You're pulling my leg.

Can I ask why you're trying to vote in our referendum, Rose?

It's just...

I feel really guilty about foisting that lot on you.

It's basically my fault.

I forgot to vote at the last election, and suddenly they're in.

And you lot did your job properly and still you ended up with them.

So I thought it was only fair that I pop up here

and help you get away from that.

Don't you think the Scottish people should be allowed to make up

their own minds?

Oh, come on.

We'd never let you do anything for yourselves.

We're English.

Scotland Office.

The Scotland Office,

we're the UK government's office for Scotland in the UK.

No, not Scotland Yard, no.

I remember the morning after Scotland became independent.

I popped down to my local corner shop in Croydon

because I was desperate for some shortbread,

and the have this nice Scottish shortbread in there.

I went to the biscuit section and all the shortbread was gone.

All of it, just gone.

I thought, "This is it. This is what David Cameron warned us about.

"This is it for shortbread in England."

I shall never again taste its buttery crumb upon my tongue.

And I went up to the lady behind the counter and I said,

"Have Scotland been in already?

"Have they taken away my shortbread?"

And she looked at me and said, "No, we're just out of stock.

"We get some in tomorrow."

So that was fine.

Perhaps only the ancient Greeks surpass

the Scots in their contribution to mankind.

Perhaps only the ancient Greeks surpass the Scots

in their contribution to mankind.

Perhaps only the ancient Greeks surpass the Scots

in their contribution to mankind.

Dad, are you going to vote in the referendum?

Yes, I am, son.

And do you know why?

Why, Dad?

Because I hate England.

-Right.

-I mean, for some people, this referendum is about

Scotland finding a voice

or standing up as an independent country.

But for me...

It's about how much I hate England.

Have you always hated England, Dad?

Son, you come from a family

with a long and proud tradition of hating England.

I mean, have you got any idea how long we have hated England?

No. No idea.

728 and a half years.

Do I have to hate England too then, Dad?

You'll hate England, like your father, your grandfather,

your great-grandfather, his father before him.

In fact, every generation of Robertson since we...

crawled out of Yorkshire in 1796.

We were once English, then, Dad?

Aye.

So does this mean we won't be able to visit, like,

Gran and Grandad in Liverpool any more?

Well, Liverpool's part of Scotland, son.

It's a satellite state.

We run it from afar, kind of thing.

Well, can I still listen to, like, the Arctic Monkeys?

Aye, aye. Cos Sheffield's half-Scottish.

And if it's rock'n'roll you're after, well,

the greatest rock'n'roll band in the world are Scottish.

The Rolling Stones?

Rolling Stones(!) What ye talkin' about? I'm talking Del Amitri.

The Rolling St...

The Rolling Stones are a Del Amitri tribute band

fronted by an old woman.

Are you sure about that, Dad? Cos I'm pretty sure that Del A...

Hey! Everything good is Scottish, right?

Charles Dickens, Scottish.

Was he?

Well, why else did he hate London so much, eh?

I mean, Oliver was getting on fine till he moved there, wasn't he?

Then you've got the Brontes. Yon Heathcliff, he's a Scotsman.

He didnae let a wee thing like death stop him

fae getting with Cathy, did he? No.

And what about Jane Eyre?

Out on they moors till aw times of night.

You wouldnae catch an English lassie doing that.

But Dad, Jane Eyre is...

Hey! We have a proud tradition in this family

of hating England, the English,

and everything that they stand for.

So we voting Yes, then?

No, son, I'll be voting No.

I mean, who would I have left to hate?

PHONE RINGS

Scotland Office?

Not Scottish Widows, no.

I don't see what all the fuss is about this independence.

I mean, I got independent,

and now I basically eat spaghetti out of a tin.

I hear they're putting a third option

on the referendum ballot paper.

"Yes", "No", and "Dinnae Gie A Monkey's".

"Yes", "No", "Dinnae Gie A Monkey's".

SHE CHUCKLES

Every meat will be square.

Square sausage, square... black pudding, square chicken...

Make the blue in the Union Jack a little more blue.

A third Old Firm team.

Just think. Twice as many matches.

The Queen will call everyone "pal".

Bitcoin.

We'll bring some sun up from Brighton.

No idea, to be honest, but it sounds exciting.

Introduce haggis into the school lunch menus.

A giant statue of William Wallace.

With his arse out.

David Cameron will personally visit you in a kilt.

David Cameron will never, ever, ever wear a kilt.

Everyone gets their share of the oil for...

petrol, or cooking, or...

massage, whatever you're into.

The ginger-haired will be classified as borderline extinct.

Personally, I think massage should be a top priority.

Oh, go on.

It'll be really funny!

Eh?

No, I think you're thinking of Visit Scotland, eh.

Quite like that wee SNP fella.

Didnae used to like him, but he's grown on me.

Aye, Mad Salmon's on the up.

Upriver?

THEY LAUGH

BOTH: Fish joke.

As requested, Robert and I set out to develop

some totally new and cutting-edge content to help establish

the Independent Scottish Broadcasting Company

as one of the leading networks in the world.

That's right. We spent many hours brainstorming,

and we have come up with what we think

are some truly ground-breaking ideas.

But don't take our word for it. Robert...

Robert...

Eh, how about "The Great...

"Scottish Bake Off"?

Right.

Well, that's just the beginning of what we've got planned for ISBC.

You'll be able to catch up with your favourite characters every day

in our brand-new prime-time soap,

"Leith-stenders."

Look, we know that drugs are a big problem in our country,

and for those addicted, the stakes are very high.

But not as high as those on our addict-based game shows

"Deal Or Nae Deal"

and "Whose Line Is That Anyway?"

No, I don't think so.

Drama - Jane Austen, period costume, but set in Glasgow.

"Pride And Extreme Prejudice".

Or, or...Dickens updated for our time.

"Nae Expectations".

A heart-warming family background programme.

Scottish celebrities trace their ancestors in

"Just Who The Fuck Do You Think You Are?"

No.

"Dragons' Glen"?

What's that?

It's Dragons' Den...in a glen.

Scotland's answer to Gok Wan -

"Donald, Where's Your Troosers?"

-No!

-"Strictly Come Jigging"?

-No.

-"Embarrassing Bothies"?

-No.

-"Embarrassing Arbroathies"?

Well, that's stupid. It doesn't even make sense!

"Embarrassing Jobbies"?

Look.

We're leaving.

Wait, no, no, no. OK, seriously.

We'll remake Taggart.

All right. Talk us through it.

If it were a No vote, I'd be fine.

It's the thousands eating out of food banks that would starve.

If it were a no vote, I'd be fine.

It's the thousands eating out of foodbanks that would starve.

If it were a no vote, I'd be fine.

It's the thousands eating out of foodbanks that would starve.

DANCE MUSIC

Hiya! I'm Lisa.

-Hi.

-Are you excited about the referendum?

Eh...

Oh...see, if I'm honest, I'm getting a bit bored of it all.

I just think there's other things to talk about.

I mean, wouldn't it be nice to have a wee conversation

about T In The Park or the Commonwealth Games?

Great Glasgow Commonwealth Games.

Proper Scottish games.

If we vote Yes, we could send

a purely Scottish team to the Olympics.

Just think about it, Olympic gold for Team Scotland!

Yeah(!)

So, you going anywhere nice on holiday?

I am, yeah.

There's only one fly in the ointment, though.

My passport'd be much better if it just said "Scotland".

Not..."United Kingdom".

-SHE FAKES A LAUGH Yeah.

-Yeah, I suppose.

Do you do this with every conversation?

Do what?

Twist it round to talk about the referendum.

It's like if I said...

"Jelly babies..."

Yeah, jelly babies!

Scotland's confectionery exports

make up part of a strong and diverse economy.

Lava lamps.

Moving away from fossil fuels would leave us

less open to unstable volcanic activity.

The DFS sale.

The current voting system means that...

Scotland's interests are nae being represented in the UK Parliament.

How's that relevant to that?

It's about the distribution of seats!

Look, I care about independence,

but I just want to have a conversation about a book,

or a film, or even about the weather!

Fine.

Yes, we do deal with Scottish issues.

Thickness?

Man-size...

I think you're thinking of Scottie tissues.

Dave, erm, what's going on down there?

Well, at border control,

one of the methods we have for detecting contraband is

for us to check a passenger's travel movements for high-risk countries.

Since Scotland became independent,

we've had lots of problems from up north.

Sir, I need to ask

if you're concealing anything under your clothes.

What?

And obviously, with the limited English,

we've had to bring in a translator.

Do you mind?

Sure.

-Awright, pal? Is there anythin' up yer jook?

-Naw.

-No.

-Sir, I'd like to conduct a frisk search.

Right, gies a swatch.

How?

Why?

We have the right to search any passenger coming through security.

Cos how, that's how.

Right, we've got something.

What is it?

It's lorne. I knew it!

HE SNIFFS DEEPLY

There it is. It's not pretty.

What do you do with it now, Dave?

Well, now we can run tests.

To do this, I'll need a disposable barbecue and two tins of Tennent's.

Oh, no, you can't!

Oh, yes, we can!

The independence referendum.

The pantomime everyone's been talking about.

Oh, no, you can't!

Oh, yes, we can!

The independence referendum.

The pantomime everyone's been talking about.

Oh, no, you can't!

Oh, yes, we can!

The independence referendum.

The pantomime everyone's been talking about.

That wee wifie that's number two tae Salmon.

You mean wee Nicola, aye?

-Aye.

-Aye, she's a bright wee cookie, right enough.

Wouldnae surprise me if she got headhunted.

Headhunted?

You mean...?

Aye.

You mean...

Aye.

Someone's gonnae poach Sturgeon?

THEY LAUGH

BOTH: Fish joke.

ROCK MUSIC

Have you started yet?

The guy hasnae told us to turn over the paper yet.

-It's awready turned over, ya tube.

-Huh?

What you putting?

Dunno, man.

It's a pure nightmare.

Last time I was in here, I failed foundie maths.

-What you putting?

-I dunno, man.

I mean, I like haggis and Irn-Bru, but I support Man United.

I cannae make my mind up. Have you ever voted before?

Aye, X Factor.

That's a proper voting system, texts and shit.

What you daein'?

Are you using your foundie maths to work out how much oil we've got?

Aye! There's got to be an app for it.

There's an app for everything.

Aye? Have a look for an E=MC Bawbag app.

Got my lucky thong on the day.

Wear it in all my exams.

But man, this is torture.

SHE SIGHS

Shoulda got my ma to write me a note to get me aff this.

Did it for PE the day.

-That's how I limped in.

-Oh, aye?

I thought you shat your lucky thong!

THEY SNIGGER

Right.

What you writing noo?

Daeing my working. You've got to, you get extra marks.

But what you putting in the box? Are you ticking or crossing it?

Just writing it.

What'd you vote for, then?

I voted aye.

I voted for One Direction.

Whit?

Oh, I want to dae that now!

I can assure you, we're not the Scottish Owl Centre.

Seriously, I can assure you.

How can I convince you? Um...

Right. Give it to me straight, John.

It's a little difficult, sir.

Since Scotland left us, groups have risen up all over the place,

claiming they also want freedom.

Freedom? This isn't prison!

Yes, WE know that, sir.

Are you all right, Sue?

Sorry, sir. It's just...

this is a letter from the Manchester Independence Group.

What?

What does it say?

"We gave you Oasis and United, now give us our freedom."

Don't be taken in by this, sir.

With all due respect, this is just a little rebellion.

I'm confident it'll die a quick death.

Well, it won't be the only thing dying a quick death

unless we get this sorted.

I'm going to be remembered as the man who put

the final nail in the coffin of the mighty British Empire.

It won't come to that, sir.

How many of these independence groups are there?

Just one...

Oh. OK.

..for each of the major cities -

Birmingham, Liverpool, Leeds, Chipping Norton.

-Well, perhaps we should just let them go.

-What?

Well, if they want to leave so much, we'll let them. I've had an idea.

-What is it?

-It's brilliant.

I have just declared this office as

the independent state of Cameronia.

All hail to your new king.

I think I'll leave you alone for a bit, David.

Not without a passport, you won't.

# God save our gracious me

# Long live our noble me

# God save the me. #

Well, with UKIP having massive support in England is there

any point in having a referendum?

Can we not just press eject?

I thought the indie campaign was

to get rid of the pure shite bands we've produced.

What is it, then?

We're the Scotland Office.

Scottish Skip Hire is something completely different.

Oh, easy!

Oh, easy!

Oh, easy!

Hello, Billy?

Aye, I'm outside now. Are you on your way?

Yeah, yeah, I see you now.

Hey, we've both come dressed the same.

Why have you come dressed as William Wallace?

That's who you've came as.

We'll look like a right pair of numpties now.

Come on. It's just a fun night out.

Freedom!

-Hey, hey, hey.

-What?

-Stop that.

-What?

-You going in there before me.

-What does it matter?

Because if I go in after you, people will just think that I copied you.

Let's just go in together, then.

God, this is so sad, isn't it?

We both got dressed up to celebrate our independence,

our freedom to finally think for ourselves and we end up both

dressing as this completely ridiculous national parody

thus perpetuating the completely erroneous image

of Scotsmen as a race of violent, aggressive nutters.

All right, mate. Chill out.

-Whoa, whoa, whoa. Tickets.

-Hey, you've came in fancy dress as well.

No, I havnae.

All right, mate?

Freedom!

CHEERING

PHONE RINGS

We're not the Scottish Gas Emergency Hotline

or Scottish Zumba For Beginners

and we're certainly not the Scottish Donkey Sanctuary.

We've got bugger all to do with

the great Scottish Post Offices of the 20th century,

Scottish Alcoholics And Proud Of It,

or Scottish Mini-Cabs Pre-hire Only -

we're the Scotland Office, do you get it? The Scotland Office.

And we are very important.

Hello?

Secretary of State.

SHE MOUTHS

Hello, David?

Erm...

Not really sure how to say this.

Things aren't really working out.

Well, this whole independence thing,

it's bloody hard work.

I know you know that, David.

You did tell me, yes, yes.

But I was just wondering if maybe, just maybe,

you would find it in your heart to

let us back in.

You know, make Scotland part of the gang again.

What do you mean, "no"?

Well, for starters, I was down visiting our Olympic training camp

recently and, to put it tastefully, David, they're crap.

I mean, three of them passed out just walking up the stairs.

And then there's the oil.

I mean, we didn't even really think

about how we'd get it out the ground.

Fracking? Oh, come on, David, I thought we were over that.

Finally, the orange bin juice.

It's just not the big export we thought it was going to be.

Please don't laugh, David.

Ha-ha, very funny(!)

I'm on my hands and knees here.

No, not actually.

Oh, right.

Now I am.

Yes, I am.

I'll tweet you a selfie.

Look, all I'm asking is that you would consider, you know,

coming up here, even just for a week or so, just to...

to show us how to run things.

You will?

No, that's fantastic, yes.

The next train?

Right, well, I'll see you in a few hours, then.

Marvellous. OK.

Thank you, David. Right, bye-bye, then. Bye-bye.

THEY LAUGH

I told you he'd fall for it. Didn't I tell you? Oh!

Oh, that was marvellous.

Right, now, back to work.

John Swinney.

Johann Lamont.

Alistair Darling.

Gordon Brown.

-BOTH:

-Gordon Brown trout. Fish jokes.

It IS pretty serious, but.

How does this affect someone like you?

At the moment, my life is spent

being dismissive of the West Coast from a distance.

But if we hold our future in our own hands then we're going to have

to talk to them and get to know them as actual people

and I don't like that at all.

It makes my Earl Grey run cold.

So I'll be voting no, for the sake of my husband's media company.

I pretty much make a living making bleak Scottish films.

You know, Ken Loach, Peter Mullen.

See that way, see if we get independence, right?

I'll have nothing to smash up

so...so what am I going to blame my troubles on?

Poverty?

The class system? Crisps?

It just gets pure confusing.

I once punched a pigeon square in the face.

You know how, like, you would punch a guy.

# And nothing ever happens

# Nothing happens at all

# The needle returns to the start of the song

# And we all sing along like before

# And nothing ever happens

# Nothing happens at all

# They'll burn down the synagogues at six o'clock

# And we'll all go along like before

# And we'll all be lonely tonight

# And lonely tomorrow. #