Comedy Bloopers

Well, hello to you, and a hearty Happy Christmas.

Oh, I've missed you. Thrilled to be reunited.

I said "reunited" with a sort of weird thing then, didn't I?

-POSH ACCENT:

-"Re-your-nited!"

Thank you, "Mi'w'anda." I'll take it from here.

Welcome to a special selection of epic fails...

-..fluffs..

-What?

-What, what, what?

-What, what, what, what?

-What, what, what?

..and funnies from the comedy archives.

That's mental!

To kick us off, a selection of scripts, meticulously learnt.

Oh, you're going on a date, with clown.

His name is Clune, mammy. Thomas Clune, not clown.

-I didn't finish me line.

-Did you not?

-No.

I know, I'm not wild about it, either, but don't worry, because

-afterwards, we're all going to....

-HE MUMBLES RAPIDLY

-Look, it's Lillian Stevens.

-Who?

Well, that nice lady we met over there who you said had, erm,

had, was tall and had long black hair and...

LAUGHTER

It's written down!

If you were with me, it'd give me the confidence to face my fear.

Oh, no, I've got another line, haven't I? sorry.

The numbskulls in me brain were so busy celebrating that line

they forgot to carry on.

They were going, "PAR-TAY!".

Of course nice, because she's Indian.

-Not the Queen?

-All of them, the whole Royal family - Indian.

But, wh-wh-wh-wh-wh...

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

What language was that?

Indian.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

-Have you got any of those mints with a hole in?

-Oh, mints with a hole in,

-yes, sir, yes, sir.

-How big is the hole?

-Eh?

Well, I don't want it to be too big, you see.

You got something to measure with, sir?

LAUGHTER

I don't care to come to a so-called dinner party to be insulted

by your girlfriend's freaky friends and dysfunctional family.

Excuse me, we are not ffff... No.

You are a vision. Da Vinci's Madonna and child, a, uh...

HE SPEAKS ITALIAN

Oh, Master Bill.

You made me forget my lines!

No, there's nothing else this good for ages, Toby should feel bad.

I'm glad we're in, You're... Oh, piddle, poo, fart, pants.

He got up on round nine, the count of nine.

He got up on the count of nine - He didn't get up at all.

You'd think props would be a blessing -

they never forget their lines, darling.

But unfortunately they can misbehave almost as much as an actor,

particularly if they haven't had a coffee, love.

Absolutely fine.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Come on.

LAUGHTER

LAUGHTER

LAUGHTER

No, no, no, no, no!

Oh, fine. Do you know what? You win.

-I now declare this marriage...

-Get the ring off.

-Oh, God.

-They're swelling.

Can we get an actress with less chubby fingers?

Oh, do you know what? Fine, you win, then.

Oh. Sorry.

We've changed the ring, we're all right.

Luckily, somebody had a bulldog's collar and we're going to try it.

LAUGHTER

Yes! I knew it! Why did you open it?

-That's mental.

-I can't believe it.

Priceless. Priceless, Joe.

-I don't like it, I don't like this one, Jackie.

-It's horrible.

I'm going to rip off this catalogue and I'm going to put it in

-my mini desktop paper shredder with optional mains adapter.

-Absolutely.

-Let them try and stop me.

-Yes. Yes, that's a very...

There.

Unauthorised giggling can cause the comedy business up to £7,000 a year,

which is the equivalent to one spray tan for Anton du Beke.

Sad times.

Dermot's taking Marie off to Venice for the weekend.

Going to be going up and down in their gonorrhoea.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

I have to go to Iraq to rescue some hostages,

and I get there and they're all women,

-and they're naked because their clothes have all rotted away.

-Sure.

HE LAUGHS

-All her clothes fall off?

-Yeah.

They fall off onto the ground

and she's scrabbling to get them back on again,

but before she can get her knickers on...

HE LAUGHS

-I think we should lose the axe.

-I like the axe.

-I like my face.

I like your face.

-Let's keep the axe.

-Thanks.

You tell them you are Mr Majinder.

64 years old travelling to Calcutta.

-SHE WHISPERS

-"Do I make you horny?"

LAUGHTER

Upper frontal buttocks.

What?

-New words for br...

-HE LAUGHS

Action!

Sorry.

Upper frontal buttocks.

What?

HE LAUGHS APPLAUSE

Cold as ice!

I walk in there, I'm Queen Bee, I'm Top of the Pops.

-That is brilliant.

-Hang on, hang on.

Action!

-SHE SQUEALS

-Yeah, I know. Julie, terrible news.

-What?

-She's cancelled the date with Vic, Mary.

-But that's going to break his heart.

-Yeah, I know, he'll be devastated.

We're both smirking there, aren't we?

-Julie, Julie. Terrible news.

-What?

Mary's cancelled the date with Vic.

LAUGHTER

-Julie, terrible news.

-What?

Mary has cancelled the date with Vic.

Listen, I don't want to name any names - Bernard, Geoffrey, Denise -

largely because it's extremely difficult. I mean, look at this lot.

Henderson might drop in to have a cup of tea with his provost.

-That'd be a happy coincidence, wouldn't it, Brian?

-Oh, er...Brian?

LAUGHTER

So why didn't you just tell Mum about Lionel?

Because it's Eric.

LAUGHTER

I hardly think a girl of Deborah's sophistication is going to go after

the grand master of sleaze and his sensational pencil case.

I've improved my technique since then, Deborah.

HE LAUGHS

APPLAUSE

Acting isn't just remembering your lines, however.

There's a lot more to it, oh, yes!

You also have to remember how to walk,

breathe and use your opposable thumbs.

Yes, there was a time when things were very different.

-BLEEP,

-wrong camera.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Oh, you must have heard the fecking kettle boiling, did ya?

-Is there anything she didn't

-BLEEP

-kick on the way in?

BLEEP.

CLATTERING

"Oh, look, Winne's sneaking in."

He has to learn, too.

BANGING LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

-Really?

-PLANE PASSES OVERHEAD

Yes, there's a carving of you in a museum somewhere

with a tail between your legs.

-I like my idea best.

-Yeah, well, you would.

I think it's more interesting.

-Toss a coin?

-OK, then.

Now, this next song proved very popular on the continent.

It sounds rather good sung in French,

which is a shame, really, because in English it sounds ruddy awful.

-PIANO MUSIC STARTS

-Oh, hang on.

APPLAUSE

Oh, hello, Richard. Aargh!

OK, folks! It's...

Oh!

There you are, Jay.

Here you are, Jay.

BLEEP.

Range - 15,000 gigooks and closing.

-Direct collision course. Suggest evasive action.

-Engaging re-heat.

LAUGHTER

But if you don't come up with the other £1,854

by the end of the month, we shall have to repossess your property.

BELL RINGS

HE LAUGHS

What my brain was thinking then was,

"I'll carry on despite the doorbell."

Sometimes, the crew gets a little jealous that the actors

get to do all the messing up.

So, now and then, they just jump in as well.

PHONE RINGS

Hello?

Kieran? Yes, hold on, he's here. Kieran, it's for you.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

-DIRECTOR:

-One second. One moment, please.

Here we go, now it's funny.

LAUGHTER

You and me!

SHE MOUTHS

INDISTINCT CHATTER

LAUGHTER

Now, we're British. You'd think that we'd be good at cueing, yeah?

Apparently not.

And action!

-LEE:

-Did you say action?

LAUGHTER

-Did you say action?

-I did.

-Right.

How many would succumb, do you think?

LAUGHTER

Oh, you're really very fit, Howard.

Wait a minute! I haven't done my line, yet.

You did know there was something wrong.

You knew about his s-thumb all the time. No, his thumb.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

-It's nothing to do with me.

-It's everything to do with you.

-It's nothing to do with...

-He's...

-All week she hasn't known this line,

-so I've been going...

-LAUGHTER

He's been doing this.

Tonight he doesn't do it.

I didn't do it tonight. So...

Is Eileen Atkins free? Maggie Smith? Geraldine McEwan?

What you're about to see here are prime examples of a very important

part of the comedy making process, that we like to call:

Clappy board.

-346, take 4, A and B Cameras.

-Then run out the way cos you shouldn't be

in this, it'd look weird.

-I can see you out of the corner of my eye.

-RICKY:

-Shall I get out?

-No, it's all right. It's fine.

-I can go anywhere, as long as Paul

-can see me. Is that OK?

-It's all right, I can cope with it.

Can you see that? Cos I'm...

It's fine, it's fine, really.

-Six

-BLEEP

-BAFTAs.

RICKY LAUGHS

-Three for performance, the other three for...

-Shh, shut up.

OK, settle down, and...action.

BLEEP!

It wasn't my fault. No-one look at me.

Slate 14, 61, take 2.

-Oh, sorry.

-Sorry.

-Sorry.

-Me again.

-Sorry.

-That was me.

WHACK!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Be much better without the sound effects.

CRUNCHING SOUND EFFECT

There go me underpants again.

LAUGHTER

You're going to have to widen the shots, just to...

Just stop, just stop.

Well, I'm just saying. If you got 'em, you know, flaunt 'em.

LAUGHTER

What, what?

-And just as you...

-What?

-Just be careful not to mask Jo,

-at the very beginning.

-I try not to mask Jo.

I couldn't help being masked, I'm so slim.

LAUGHTER

Whooooa! Try doing that, honey!

Pavement. Cup. Pudding.

It's not that difficult.

Sometimes all it takes is just one word.

Relaxed. Tense.

Soft. Hard.

-No, no.

-HE LAUGHS

Tim Canterbury, Archbishop of Canterbury.

Bishop Muzorewa.

THEY LAUGH

Oh, God!

We've just heard that Swediss Mashage -

Sorry, I'll repeat that again, if I may.

We have just...

LAUGHTER

OK. We've just heard that Swediss Mashage Parlours Limited...

LAUGHTER

-I can't tell if I'm saying it right.

-I'll give you a hand.

OK, I've got quite warm thinking about it.

LAUGHTER

Right. We've just heard that Swediss...

LAUGHTER

We're absolutely sick of hearing that Swedish -

-You said it right then.

-I said it right.

Is that cos you're bald, is that why they call you Razor?

Is that cos you're bald, is that why they call you Razor?

-Cos you're bald?

-No.

That's enough, isn't it? We can carry on.

Is that cos you're bald, is that why you're called Razor? Cos you're...

THEY LAUGH

This is madness.

LAUGHTER

I know you're not going to shoot me.

-Is it what?

-"Madness!"

-How is he?

-Touch and go.

Where was he shot?

Just near the bollards.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

I'm going to move out of the halls of residence.

-DEEP VOICE:

-Nooo!

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Comedy is easy.

You just have to say all the right the words all in the.

Oh, hang on.

Where am I going, Tracy? And who with, eh?

-I wish I knew what I was going to say next.

-I can't even help you.

Why don't you stick around, we'll talk it after over.

Or...we'll talk it over after.

Depends how you feel, all right?

Why don't you stick around and we'll talk it after over.

LAUGHTER

So we are, in a minute, once you say your line.

Once I say the line that I've completely forgotten.

Mother of Jesus!

-Oh, I know what it is!

-It doesn't matter now!

-It does appear that the problem lies with...

-Yes?

BLEEP.

-Happy Birthday, Ritchie.

-Oh, Eddie, you shouldn't have.

You know I don't like anyone to make a f...

HE SPEAKS GIBBERISH

LAUGHTER

-It's a rat.

-Pigeon.

-That's a rat.

No, no, no, it's hamster.

It's a rat, of course, it's a rat. You have rats in Spain, don't you?

Or did Franco have them all shot?

-No, it's pigeon.

-It's a rat!

It's not a pigeon, it's a hamster.

LAUGHTER

Clown in the woods!

I don't know, we ran off.

-MUMBLING:

-"Oh, God, do you reckon he's a psychopath?"

Oh, God, do you reckon he's a psychopath?

LAUGHTER

Well, don't worry. I won't leave you to do it alone.

That way, if they rush us, at least we won't be a dwindling minority.

I've no idea what I'm saying!

I've no idea what I'm saying. No idea...

Ladies, such unbearable privations.

-I know, and we have an, a-a-a... Oh, flipping

-BLEEP BLEEP!

Gwen!

I can't do with being bundled up with too many clothes.

You don't seem to be any a-a-a, s-sh-sh-s...

LAUGHTER

Corn plasters, telephone money, dandruff brush, animal...

Nyip, nyip, nyip, nyip, nyip.

-Thermos, sandwiches, er... Oh,

-BLEEP.

Corn plasters, telephone money, dandruff brush, uh...

animal footprint chart, and one triple-thick condom.

You never know.

-Right, let's get into the... Oh,

-BLEEP.

Now, it's vitally important the director remembers to say, "Cut".

We all know what the secret of great comedy is.

Timing. There, got it.

-Are we running?

-Speed.

LAUGHTER

LAUGHTER

Thomas. Thomas.

Thomas.

LAUGHTER

That's got to be enough.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

HE LAUGHS

Ah!

Ahh, ha-ha-ha. Ahhh!

HE LAUGHS

Ahh, ha-ha-ha. Ahhh!

HE LAUGHS

Ahh, ha-ha-ha. Ahhh!

Ahh!

Ahh, ha-ha-ha. Ahhh!

LAUGHTER

More fun with inanimate objects now.

Who's at number one, prop pickers? Hmm.

Here we go, then, in...

-three, two, one, action.

-Oh!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Have you got any cocktails?

LAUGHTER

OK, ruffle your hair now. That's it.

And, I just want to, like that. That's it. And, like, it's...

These are his bits and pieces.

Blimey, we're going inter... No, we're not going inter-railing.

The pram got jammed in the doorway and it threw me.

-Yeah, blame it on me.

-I was worried about the safety of the child.

I say child...look at that horrible thing.

-LAUGHTER, BABY CRIES

-Look at that!

Look at it!

It was never like this on Outnumbered.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

CUP SMASHES

-Was that filming?

-Yes.

HE LAUGHS

Fantastic. Fantastic. Fantastic.

Huh!

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

ENGINE STALLS

Yet more unbelievable footage of grown adults

refusing to take the serious business of comedy seriously.

Last of the Summer Wine, take 7.

LAUGHTER

I think it looks a little odd with the jacket on.

Did you see that?!

Did you see him nod at me?! And I went...

HE LAUGHS

Brilliant. Can you concentrate for a second?

I think it looks a little odd with the jacket.

LAUGHTER

He owns all this land, as far as the sparshly, er...

He owns all this land, as far as the... What?

Partially sighted.

-He owns all this land as far as the sparsh...

-BLEEP, BLEEP, BLEEP.

LAUGHTER

"He owns all this land as far as the partially sighted eye can see."

-He owns all this land as far as the partially sighted

-BLEEP, BLEEP.

-Owns this land, what? Partially what?

-Sighted.

He owns this land as far as the partially sighted eye can see.

We're just waiting for Miss Saunders.

-Er...

-Something we do quite a lot.

-Yeah.

She can be difficult!

She's sweet and she's fun and we're terribly grateful

and we love her dearly, but at this time of the evening,

it gets a little bit tiring and she has to have a little bit of help.

-A little...

-SHE SNORTS

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Now, darlings, I've worked with some great, great professionals.

There are some actors out there that you work with

who really can open doors for you.

-I can't open the

-BLEEP

-door!

LAUGHTER

-Sorry, I couldn't get the

-BLEEP

-door.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Looks easy, doesn't it? Opening a door.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

All right, stop fussing, then. Oh, dear, look, that's proper comedy.

LAUGHTER

At last, something funny.

Who's locked the door? Who has locked the door?

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Right.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

And finally, as every comedian knows,

if you don't know how to finish a show, just do a ruddy song.

Take it away.

Sem, any sep, hup, mm.

LAUGHTER

Is that the rap version?

HE TALKS GIBBERISH

Lar, lor, lar, lor.

Ooo-ooo, ee-ee-ee.

-Lulululu, lu.

-Lulululu, lu.

# Listen at ya' baby and you're coming all the way... #

LAUGHTER