Michael McIntyre's Big Christmas Show

Ho-ho-ho, let's pick up my guests.

It's international megastar Dame Edna Everage,

reigning America's Got Talent winner Paul Zerdin,

Irish comedy hero Dara O Briain,

the legendary Sir Tom Jones,

singing sensation Ellie Goulding,

and a whole host of Christmas treats and surprises

tonight, on my Big Christmas Show.

MUSIC: Merry Christmas Everybody by Slade

# So here it is, merry Christmas

# Everybody's having fun

-# It's Christmas

-Look to the future now

# It's only just begun... #

Ho-ho-ho-ho, ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Michael McIntyre.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

# ..Merry Christmas Everybody's having fun

# Look to the future now

# It's only just begun... #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Yes!

Whoa!

HE LAUGHS

Oh, ladies and gentlemen,

welcome to Michael McIntyre's Big Christmas Show.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Thank you so much.

Thank you for coming. Now, is everybody OK?

There are so many layers of people.

Are you OK at the top, everybody up there?

CHEERING

Very good. You there? The next one?

Yes, what about you guys? Come on!

Look at you!

Feeling that.

So, this show,

ladies and gentlemen, is going out on Christmas Day itself.

Christmas Day!

Yes. There's such a magic, isn't there, to that day.

It's very different doing a Christmas show leading up to Christmas,

as opposed to doing it on Christmas Day.

It's such a special, magical day, there's such a build-up to it

that, when you're in it, you can't even believe that you're in it.

You know, you open the curtains and you're like, "That's my road..."

LAUGHTER

"..on Christmas Day!"

Sometimes you see other people.

"Look at that man walking his dog...on Christmas Day!"

"I'm having my morning pee...

"on Christmas Day!"

Some of you, you visit relatives, you see other people

in their cars. You look at them at the traffic lights, "Look at them...

"on Christmas Day!"

"There's an aeroplane in the sky...

"on Christmas Day!"

This goes through the whole day,

until you go to bed, when you're just drifting off to sleep going,

"That's the end...

"of Christmas Day!"

And then all the magic completely disappears overnight.

And the next day you're just walking along going,

"I'm going for a walk...

"on Boxing Day."

It's gone. The magic has gone!

And then, quite frankly,

you are into the strangest six days of the whole year.

It is six days, between Christmas Day

and New Year's, where nobody quite knows what's going on, who they are,

you don't even know what day it is.

We get so confused by... They've started to change... The days

aren't called Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday. Now they're called,

you know, Boxing Day, Christmas Eve, so you lose track of it.

And you're so full and hungover as well.

People are just wandering around in a daze.

"What day is it? I don't even know what day it is.

"Are the shops open? Do the shops open?

"Have the sales started? I don't know what day it is.

"Shall I start my diet today? Do I start it today?

"Is there post today? Does the post come back?

"Can I park here today? What day is it?

"Can I park here?

"When do the bins get taken away?

"I've never had more rubbish in my life.

"Can I eat this bit of the turkey or is the turkey finished?

"Can I have this bit of the turkey?

"What time is Chitty Chitty Bang Bang on?"

Nobody knows what they're doing.

Also, all the stuff that you get for Christmas, what happens to it?

I know we get big presents and it's exciting,

but there are certain things that I don't remember throwing away

but I never see them again after Christmas Day.

Everything I or anyone in my family has ever won in a cracker,

where is it?

Where does it go?

I have no recollection of binning it, but I've never had anybody...

Nobody has experienced somebody at any stage of the year just saying

anything along the lines of, "Does anyone fancy a game of mini cards?

"Mini cards?

"I find the full-sized deck a little bit overwhelming.

"Can we just play with the tiny cards?

"I'm almost at my baggage allowance

"so I've brought my miniature cards that I won at Christmas.

"Why measure the whole carpet when we can measure this section

"and guess the rest

"with my mini tape measure I won at Christmas?

"Does anyone have the tiniest amount of sewing I can attend to?

"Not a lot of sewing.

"Not a rip or a tear, just a fray.

"So anyway, how are you?

"Let me consult my mini coloured curly fish.

"Look, it's curling up at the sides.

"I'm jealous."

So, I want to tell you, we're in for an absolutely sensational

night's entertainment tonight. Are you up for that?

CHEERING

It's so lovely to be here amongst you. It's such a beautiful theatre

and, I've got to be honest, there is, as you well know, a...

HE GASPS There's a royal box.

And just for fun, I thought I would write to Buckingham Palace and

ask if there was any chance that the Queen herself could attend tonight.

If you don't ask, you don't get.

Well, I did ask...and I didn't get.

But amazingly, amazingly, I got a reply.

I actually got a reply from Buckingham Palace,

so I thought I'd read this out for you.

Here we go. By Royal Appointment.

AUDIENCE: Ooh...

"Dear Michael, thank you so much for your kind invitation,

"but Her Majesty has an engagement of national importance

"that she simply must attend.

"However..."

AUDIENCE: Ooh...

"..Prince Philip is a huge admirer of Michael McIntyre,

"and indeed of Chinese comedy in general."

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

"Therefore we have arranged to send the only other equally high-ranking

"dignitary in the world to stand in for the Queen on this occasion."

Ladies and gentlemen,

what an absolute privilege it is to welcome...

FANFARE PLAYS

It's Dame Edna!

Oh, dear.

Merry, merry Christmas, possums.

Oh, Michael, you are deservedly popular, darling.

-Thank you.

-You really, really are.

The Queen sends her apologies. She couldn't be here tonight

and the reason is that she actually didn't want to be here tonight.

She said... She said, "Wild horses won't drag me to that show, Edna."

She's a big fan of Michaels - Michael Flatley,

Michael Yorke, Michael Jackson, Michael Caine,

Princess Michael of Kent, Michaelmas.

But she doesn't...

She's actually never heard of YOU, Michael.

She hasn't, I'm afraid.

AUDIENCE: Aww...

I know!

To me, you are all those Michaels rolled into one,

and when I say rolled, I mean ROLLED.

I do.

-What?!

-No.

There's a beautiful atmosphere here tonight, and I'm in the royal box.

-You've never been here, have you?

-I haven't.

-Why would you?

I mean, under what circumstances would you be here?

Those Corgis have been here.

There's been an orgi of Corgis here.

-Look at that, Michael.

-Urgh!

-Disgusting!

No!

OK, Dame Edna, do you mind if I start the show?

You may, darling. Please be my guest, and I'll sit here on the

royal throne, which has a reclining facility.

The Queen likes to have a little snooze

during those Royal Command Performances.

But wake me up if there's anything entertaining.

Bye!

SHE LAUGHS

What an absolute treat tonight, Dame Edna's with us.

OK, so, Christmas is all about fun and games, and a little game

that some of you may know that I like to play is called Send To All.

I have to say, this game is always hilarious,

and we're going to play it tonight.

Basically, I need someone in the audience with a mobile telephone

and a sense of humour.

I'm going to send a message of my choosing

to every one of their contacts

in their phone, just so you know what you're getting yourself into,

and we'll see throughout the show what replies we get.

So, who here is up for it?

Who wants to play Send To All tonight?

If you just put your hand up...

Some people are putting other people's hands up.

Um, you are up for it. This is good.

All right, I'm coming in, I'm coming down. I'm coming down.

-What's your name, my friend?

-Dan.

-Dan?

-Yeah.

-Dan, so, you're up for a laugh?

-Yeah.

What do you do for a living, Dan?

Business development in a 24-hour call centre.

-Business development in a 24-hour call centre?

-Yeah.

This basically means you're unemployed

and you're waiting for the phone to ring.

You're trying to develop your own business in what you're

calling your 24-hour call centre.

"Welcome to my home or, as I like to call it, my 24-hour call centre."

All right. Maybe we shouldn't ring out on your phone that you're

-waiting to ring. What's your name?

-Ben.

Ben? What do you do for a living, Ben?

I'm a team leader of a sales company, basically.

-Team leader?

-Really.

-Round of applause - team leader.

Yeah.

Ben, how many people are you leading, Ben?

At the moment, there's about five or six.

-Five or six? Yeah, about five or six?

-About five...

You haven't decided whether one of these people is a person?

You would know if it was five or... You're leading...

You're a leader of these people, Ben.

Every time you come in, "Is it five or six?

"I don't know. How many people am I leading?"

All right, Ben, I'll take your phone.

You're an amazing sport, thank you so much.

Thank you so much for coming. All right.

Ben - he leads five or six people.

Um, really, you're a very good sport, Ben.

Oh, good, there's no code or anything.

I'm just going to hand this phone

to my team, who are going to work their Christmas magic to

enable the phone to send to all. It needs an app, basically.

Hello. Thank you. Good one.

You can tell so much, can't you, Ben, about somebody from their phone.

Wouldn't it be fun, I thought, for the whole audience,

and excruciatingly embarrassing for Ben,

if we could all see what's on his phone?

If only there were some kind of a device that would enable...

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

..that situation.

Oh... Oh!

What's this?

OK, Ben, so this... It's a bit of a look into the future, really.

This is actually the iPhone 18.

The way things are going, this is how we're going to be behaving.

"Yeah, I've just picked up the new iPhone, it's amazing, yeah.

"No, there was, like, massive queues but it's huge,

"it's absolutely huge. I actually like it.

"It doesn't fit in my pocket but I actually like it, yeah."

OK, so let's get Ben's phone, and we're going to try

and work some magic. Thank you very much.

So, basically, I'm going to press a button here

and with a little bit, a huge dollop of luck, this might pop up now.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Oh, Ben! Oh, Ben! This is your life, Ben.

This is it, this is what goes on. What have we got here, then?

Oh.

PEOPLE SHOUT OUT

What are you shouting? Tinder?

Is there Tinder there?

Oh, there is.

I don't know how to work Tinder.

I don't know how to work it.

MICHAEL SCREAMS

How do you do it? What do I do?

It's just your head pulsating.

Ben, are you in... Are you in a...

No, someone's behind there going, "No. No."

-Ben, are you in a relationship?

-No.

You're not in a relationship? OK.

Let's have a look at your photos. How do you get into photos?

Where are the photos? Photos! There it is. Argh!

Whoa.

"Last beers before he ruins his life."

This is fun. You're a bit of a party animal, I like this.

Oh, is that... Is he getting married, or something?

-Yeah, he's...

-Yeah, that's nice and supportive(!)

This is a gig you went to from a distance?

This is just a view of a field.

Oh, this is nice, this is, it's the Thames.

Oh, my God, are you chasing this person?

Oh, goodness, what's happening?

LAUGHTER AND CHEERING

# Risin' up Back on the streets

# I took my time, took my chances

# It's the EYE of the tiger

# It's the thrill of the fight

# As he gets to the challenge of his rivals

# And the last known survivor is dead in the night

# Ne-ne-na-na-na-na-na-agh-agh

# Of the tiger. #

Oh, my God, what's going on now?

Now you're going into outer space...

..where you've been violently attacked.

Oh, yes, this is good.

I like a man who takes a photo of a Sunday roast.

"Let's have it. Lots of 'tatoes, get it in.

"I've had a busy day, went to the moon,

"did a couple of naked selfies, now let's get the carbs in."

All right, I'm so sorry but this is too funny.

What on earth is going on there?

PEOPLE SHOUT OUT

If that was your Tinder profile,

can you imagine the kind of responses you'd get?

What is that on your face?

Is that part of Halloween or something?

Yeah, the morning after Halloween.

The morning after Halloween. All right, brilliant.

Let's play Send To All. What an amazing sport Ben is.

Let's send this message now. What do I... Messages, OK,

here we go. All right.

The text we're going to send, Ben, to everybody on your phone is,

"Would you like...

"to come round

"on Christmas Day?"

MICHAEL CHUCKLES

"Need to know NOW...

"..as I'm about to

"order the turkey.

"Hope you can make it. The more, the merrier". Let's really put this.

Right, OK, maybe we should... Oh, look, do you use these?

Recent...frequently used. OK.

Turkey, I'm just going to put turkey. Yeah? All right.

Now, apparently, all I do is I press this,

and then it comes up, "send to all", and... Shall we send it?

CHEERING

Shall we send it, Ben?

Too late! OK.

That is...gone!

Oh, thank you so much, Ben.

All right. We will catch up on all your Christmas Day RSVPs

later in the show. OK.

I'm so excited about my next act.

She is a Brit-Award-winning,

multimillion-album-selling pop sensation.

I love this girl, and I'm so pleased that she's on my show,

what an honour, the magnificent Ellie Goulding is here.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

MUSIC: O Holy Night

# O holy night

# The stars are brightly shining

# It is the night of our dear Saviour's birth

# Long lay the world in sin and error pining

# Till he appears and my soul felt its worth

# A thrill of hope The weary world rejoices

# From yonder breaks a new and glorious morn

# Fall on your knees

# O hear the angel voices

# O night divine

# The night when Christ was born

# When Christ was born

# When Christ was born. #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

MUSIC: Army

# I know that I've been messed up

# You never let me give up

# All the nights and the fights

# And the blood and the break-ups

# You're always there to call up

# I'm a pain, I'm a child I'm afraid

# But yet you understand

# Yeah, like no-one can

# I know that we don't look like much

# But no-one screws it up like us

# Sixteen and you never even judged me

# Matter of fact, always thought you were too cool for me

# Sitting there in the caravan

# All the nights we've been drunk on the floor

# And yet you understand

# Yeah, like no-one can

# We both know what they say about us

# But they don't stand a chance because

-# When I'm with you

-When I'm with you

-# When I'm with you

-When I'm with you

# I'm standing with an army I'm standing with an army

-# When I'm with you

-When I'm with you

-# When I'm with you

-When I'm with you

# I'm standing with an army

# I'm standing with an army

# Standing with an army

# Standing with an army

# Standing with an army

# Standing with an army

# I'm with you

# Standing with an army

# Standing with an army...

# Standing with an army

# Oh, oh, oh, oh

# Yeah, yeah, yeah

# Yeah, you understand

# Yeah, like no-one can

# We both know what they say about us

# When I'm with you When I'm with you

# I'm standing with an army

# I'm standing with an army

# When I'm with you

# When I'm with you

# I'm standing with an army

# But they don't stand a chance because

# I'm standing with you

# I'm standing with you

# I'm standing with you

# Standing with an army

# Standing with an army...

# Standing with an army. #

CHEERING

The incredible Ellie Goulding, ladies and gentlemen. Amazing. Wonderful.

Gorgeous. Sensational.

Oh, darling, did you enjoy the whole performance tonight?

Yes, it was lovely, Michael, it really was.

I've done sell-out shows here, of course, to PAYING audiences.

LAUGHTER

How many of you possums paid tonight?

I rest my case.

I notice there's two empty seats down there, it's terrible.

I mean, we all get empty seats, Michael. I have found them

in my audiences, but they're general pre-paid. They're seats purchased

by elderly and wealthy people in advance, and then...

..they die.

If I'm honest with you, Dame Edna, there is

a reason why these seats are empty.

I've been saving these two seats, um, for two people,

Dame Edna, who are about to become a very big part of tonight's show.

-Oh.

-They just don't know it yet. OK?

They have actually been set up,

and they're having dinner right now across the road

in an Italian restaurant, and I think that we can see them now.

That's actually across the road from this theatre.

So that is, let me tell you, Dean and Dawn Sotnick.

Their son and daughter have set them up and, well, I'm going to

go and get them and we're going to put them in those seats

and then have some fun with them.

All they know is that they're eating Italian food,

so let's see how that pans out. So I will be back.

I'm actually going to leave the theatre.

-Isn't this daring, Michael?

-It is daring, Dame Edna.

Hopefully, I'll be back with these people. OK, bear with me.

Here we go.

All right, we're in the street, look at this,

this is the actual street, so it's quiet.

All right. Ah, here we are, so here's the restaurant.

What is going on here?

I believe you might be called Dean, is that right?

-That's correct.

-Oh, and are you Dawn? Is it Dean and Dawn?

Is it Michael and Vicky?

Hi, well, listen... Oh, hi, everyone in the restaurant.

It's a very intimate restaurant.

Sorry to interrupt but I'm here for Dean and Dawn.

I am... What are you enjoying here?

There's a little bit of Parma ham.

It's that polite last bite, isn't it?

I'll have it, if you don't mind.

So, listen, I'm actually doing a show across the road

and dearest Michael and Vicky have organised a little surprise

for you, that you're going to actually be in the show.

It's taking place across the road at the Theatre Royal, Drury Lane,

the whole audience are actually watching this right now.

So all I'm going to ask you to do is if you'd like to come with me

-and I'll take you across the road.

-OK.

-Thank God for that!

All right, Dean and Dawn! Dean and Dawn, they're coming with me!

Come in, come on, Dean. Come on, Dean.

Let's bring your last bite.

Here we go.

And wait, I've got Dean... I've only got Dean.

Dawn, darling. Come with me.

Dean, take your Parma ham. DEAN MUTTERS

Yes. No don't worry. We're going to cover the bill.

And even if we don't, it's show business, we'll always win.

All right.

You seem like wonderful people and you deserve

a place in my audience, so if you'd just like to step this way.

-OK.

-Here we are.

Follow me.

Follow me, Dean.

Here we have them, Dean and Dawn. This way.

This is my audience.

All right, here we go.

Dean and Dawn!

There you go, guys. If you'd just like to take a seat here.

Number six and number five.

We now have a full house, ladies and gentlemen,

it's Dean and Dawn Sotnick!

Oh, bless him.

He's still got a little bite of Parma ham.

So, tell me about why you're in London tonight.

Our son lives in London and works in London, and we've just come up

for a meal and a bit of shopping and...have a family day.

Well, I'll let you calm down and relax.

We probably will be chatting to you a bit later on.

-OK.

-We have a full house, ladies and gentlemen.

Dean and Dawn Sotnick are in the house!

Go on, Dean, have your last bite of Parma ham.

Go on. Ladies and gentlemen,

next, we have a very exciting television exclusive.

He's British, brilliantly gifted

and has just been crowned the winner of America's Got Talent.

Please welcome the wonderful Paul Zerdin, ladies and gentlemen.

Paul Zerdin.

Thank you very much indeed, Michael. Great to be here.

Hello, good evening! Tonight, especially for you,

I'm going to be doing some ventriloquism for you.

AUDIENCE: Ooh...

I'm going to come down into the audience

and I need some people to help me up here on stage.

I love going into the audience.

NERVOUS LAUGHTER

I'm looking for a couple that look very much like Dean and Dawn.

It's Dean and Dawn, everybody.

Come and join me, you two.

Dean and Dawn.

Thank you so much, Dean. Great to meet you, Dawn.

And if you just go that way there. OK, Dawn.

You just go that way there,

that's it. Take your clothes off and then, um, we'll see...

But, you know, ventriloquism is a very strange thing

and I know a lot of you are sitting there thinking, "What a freak!"

It takes a long time to become a fr...a ventriloquist,

and whenever I can do it I can't stop doing it -

anywhere, any time, any place.

If I see a young mother walking down the street with a baby in a pram,

I'll ask her how old the baby is, she's says whatever, three months,

then I do this. Hello!

HE MIMICS A BABY GURGLING

-Hello.

-HE MIMICS A BABY MUTTERING

Hello!

-IN CHILD'S VOICE:

-Hello!

Ladies and gentlemen,

would you please give it up for my two new dummies, it's Dean and Dawn!

And we're going to find you a voice. We're going to start with you, Dawn,

a voice that we can have some fun with.

OK. What about this one, are you OK?

-DEEP MALE VOICE:

-Yes, I am.

Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

But I like it.

No, no. I was only joking, I'll change it.

-Yeah, change it now.

-OK. Let's find you a nice feminine voice.

-What about this one?

-SMOOTH FEMALE VOICE:

-Hello.

Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.

-You like that?

-Oh, yes. I like that, yes, yes.

-You're OK?

-I'm going to talk to Dean now.

-Good luck.

Are you OK?

-POSH MALE VOICE:

-Don't touch me.

Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.

Do you mind just leaving us alone for a moment?

-Pardon?

-Just leave us alone.

Don't go.

I'm not quite sure, I don't quite know what you mean.

Well, just let me explain.

Get lost.

Maybe I could just sit here?

-Just sit there.

-Just there.

Just there.

Look, I've pointed.

I've got the hang of this.

-I'm going to sit here.

-Yes. Just there.

-Oh, finally.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

I've got a question. How the hell are you controlling us?

I've got this little remote control in my hand here.

-My goodness, that's amazing.

-Look at that, darling.

Every time he wiggles his fingers, my lips move.

LAUGHTER

Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.

Good one, yes.

Well, I must say, I'm enjoying this, I think I might stand up now.

Any second now.

I'm going to take a slightly closer look at the audience.

Here I go, that's it.

I'm going to walk towards the edge of the stage, not too close.

Health and safety and all that crap.

I might wave at the audience now.

Hello, everyone. Hello.

-Merry Christmas to you all.

-Darling, while you're there...

-Yes, darling?

Why don't you do your little Christmas party trick?

Yes, that's a great idea.

It's the one where I turn my back on the audience...

..like that,

I lean forward

and I wiggle my bum.

CHEERING

-All right, sit down now, darling.

-OK, yes.

I couldn't wait to get back on the seat.

It's my turn now.

I'm going to stand up.

I'm going to walk behind the stool.

This one here.

I'm going to pick up this lovely piece of mistletoe,

like so, I'm going to walk over to Mr Zerdin.

That's... I'm going to go the long way around.

I'm going to walk over to Paul Zerdin, the ventriloquist!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

I'm going to hold it above his head

and I'm going to give him a big kiss.

Mwah!

Listen, I just want to thank you. You've been absolutely terrific.

We're not finished yet.

-You're not finished?

-Oh, no.

-Really? I've got to wind things up.

-No, no.

You see, the thing is, we're big, big fans

of the TV show Strictly Come Dancing.

That's right.

We'd very much like to recreate that show here tonight.

Wouldn't we, darling?

We certainly would.

And we'd like to do it naked.

Well, would you please welcome, from Strictly,

it's Aljaz and Janette!

STRICTLY COME DANCING THEME TUNE PLAYS

Thank you so much for doing this, guys.

I believe you're getting married. That's very exciting.

Congratulations.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

I wish you the best of luck. So, listen, have you had a good time?

Oh, yes, I've had a terrific time,

even though my eyes tell a different story.

And, what about you, Dean?

Yes, yes, I've had such a great time I'm going to have to stand up now

and tell you how much of a great time I've had.

-Darling, would you join me?

-I'd love to, darling, yes.

So, how much of a good time have you had?

Well, to be honest, I've had the time of my life.

MUSIC: I've Had The Time Of My Life

Oh, I like this.

Oh, he's got such firm buttocks.

CHEERING

What about that, guys? Wasn't that just amazing?

CHEERING

Aljaz and Janette, ladies and gentlemen.

Let me take this off you.

Guys, you have to take a bow.

You've been truly, truly amazing. Thank you so much.

Thank you. It's Dean and Dawn, ladies and gentlemen.

Ladies and gentlemen, my name is Paul Zerdin, thank you so much.

You've been a lovely audience.

Have a very, very merry Christmas. Good night.

Paul Zerdin, ladies and gentlemen!

OK, it's time. Ben, are you still here? Brilliant. I have your phone.

It is in my possession.

I haven't looked at it, I've just been handed it.

All I can tell you is what I've been told, which is there are 29 messages.

The message was, "Would you like to come round on Christmas Day?

"Hope you can make it." OK. Who's Katie Bottoms?

-Oh, my goodness, Katie Bottoms?

-She's a friend from uni.

A friend from uni? Is that her real name? Bottoms?

-Yeah, genuinely, her surname is Bottoms.

-OK.

-And are you quite friendly with her?

-I was.

-You were? OK.

LAUGHTER

I'd like to give a little bit of a status update on your relationship.

"Sorry, who is this?"

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

But, then, amazingly, two kisses.

She just dishes out the kisses, she doesn't even care.

I don't even know that geezer. Mwah! Mwah!

I love Katie Bottoms.

All right, what else have we got here? We've got Scott Rowe.

-Jodie. Who's Jodie?

-She's one of my best mates.

Aw! "Hey, babes." Aw, she knows who you are.

"Sorry, probably not.

"Me already got a day planned with my gang here.

"Thanks, though." Triple kiss! Aw! So sweet.

Oh, my God, who's Dan Henry?

He's one of my work colleagues, one of my team.

-He's one of the six?

-He could be five or six.

He is one of the chosen five or six.

Um... Oh, dear.

Do you know much about Dan Henry?

-I know enough about him.

-You know enough about him?

-I don't want to know any more.

-OK, he's actually texted twice.

The first one was, "Yes, mate.

"Definitely wasn't looking forward to Christmas alone."

AUDIENCE: Aw...

Don't. It actually gets worse. It gets worse.

The second text is actually,

"Can I bring my mum?"

Oh, no, now he actually has...

This is awful, he actually has to come.

Dan Henry can never know this was a joke.

He's already making plans.

-He can come.

-He can come?

Oh, my God, he's got to come.

"Of course. Bring your mum.

"Bring the whole fam."

In fact, I might send him that picture of your roast potatoes.

I'm going to do that. Add photo. I'm going through the library.

Oh, which one is it? There it is, there it is. I've got it.

I've got it.

Aw, Dan. I'm going to send that. "Of course, bring the whole fam.

"Here's a photo of some potatoes you can expect if you come round."

OK, let's do a few more and move on.

Um, Jodie, Nick... Um, Nick...

Mikhail.

-Mikhail.

-Who's Mikhail?

-He's our IT director.

-Oh, OK.

He is one of the six.

OK. "Thanks, Benny Ben." Lovely.

"It's much appreciated, but I've organised something already. Sorry."

But you're the team leader, aren't you?

-I am but he is a bit higher than me. He's higher than me.

-Oh.

He's being polite, I think.

He's a bit higher than you but you're the team leader?

-Yeah, he's one of the directors.

-He's one of the directors.

"I quit."

It's too much.

Oh, no, I'm going to put another one.

I'm going to put the potatoes again.

"How can you say no to these?"

There you go. Potatoes.

"Nobody declines my tats.

"Nobody declines my tats."

Oh, no, it changed it to "rats", and I sent it.

I'll change it back. "Nobody declines my tats."

Oh, my God.

OK.

-Oh. Charlie Rapson?

-He plays on my football team.

-Yeah, OK.

He's quite, um...

He's quite matter of fact, isn't he?

"If it's a joke, I don't get it."

All right, OK, ladies and gentlemen,

I cannot believe what a sport this gentleman is.

It's Ben, ladies and gentlemen.

Amazing. Amazing.

OK. Dame Edna's still here.

Ladies and gentlemen, it's Dame Edna.

Darling, how are you enjoying the fun we've been having tonight?

Michael, is it going on for much longer? That's what I need to know.

I'm enjoying every second of it,

though. What a clever little boy you are.

You know, I'm hungry, though, I'm famished.

-Luckily, I have an entourage. Do you have an entourage?

-I do not.

Well, I do. A pastry chef

and a gynaecologist.

And I want you to meet my little pastry cook now.

You've got somebody with you?

I've brought her with me tonight and you're going to adore her.

Let's hear it, possums, for Nadiya Hussain.

Here she is!

No-o-o!

Isn't she adorable?

Look at that.

Oh, you darling thing.

Now, you won something very important on a show, didn't you?

-What show was that?

-I did. You may not have heard of it.

-It's called the Bake Off.

-The Bake Off?

-Yeah.

CHEERING DROWNS SPEECH

What have you got in that basket?

Well, I heard you were hungry so I've brought you some mince pies.

Oh, scrummy. But I'm on a vegan cleanse at the moment.

Yeah, these are free from everything, gluten free,

-sugar free, so they will keep you regular.

-Um...

-Yeah, yeah, yeah.

-Listen, this is a family show, darling.

-Yeah.

-We have to think of the destitute at Christmas.

-Yes.

-And there are some destitute people here.

-Folks down there?

All the way up there. Almost stuck to the ceiling, like little bats.

Hello, paupers. Hello, paupies.

Listen to their wistful cry.

We should probably give them some. Michael, you don't need mince pies?

Would you be so kind as to give the cheap seats some mince pies?

Do you want some mince pies from Nadiya?

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Thank you so much, Nadiya.

-Thank you.

-What a pleasure to have you here.

-Thank you for baking for us. Wow. Wow.

-Thank you.

Ladies and gentlemen, he is simply one of the funniest

and most-beloved comedians around.

Fresh from selling out theatres across the land,

please give a big Christmas welcome to Ireland's finest,

it's the wonderful Dara O Briain is here.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

All right? Good evening.

Good evening and merry Christmas, ladies and gentlemen.

Happy Christmas.

It is a delight to be here, ladies and gentlemen,

a joy to be with you on this most special of days.

A day for us to see the world for once through children's eyes.

Swimming pools are a good example of a thing where kids...

We've ruined swimming pools, as grown-ups,

and kids have exactly the right... Kids see the swimming pool,

they're like, "Yeah, I can enter at any point

"and when I'm in there, I can go in whatever direction I want,

"up, down, left, right, I'm floating, I'm farting, I'm peeing, I'm splashing,

"I'm doing whatever I wanted to do, ever,

"in the zero-gravity, frictionless environment."

We, in our lanes,

slowly advancing on the wall.

Touching the wall.

And then turning around, and going to the other wall.

The prison yard of the swimming pool experience.

Meanwhile, you know...

The worst thing about swimming in a lane, if you're in a hotel, having a little swim

and on the other side of the row of coasters,

there's a family of kids going bananas with delight,

and you're there going, "No, you're using it wrong."

The worst thing about swimming in a lane

is when somebody else joins your lane.

Cos people don't swim at the same speed,

because otherwise it wouldn't be a sport.

So, now you're either slowly catching up with them

or they are slowly catching up with you,

and, Jesus, the tension is unbearable!

You only came in for 30 minutes of cardio.

Now I'm in the bloody Hunger Games.

In life, there are tiny variations of stuff you don't care about

or stuff you wish you didn't have to know.

Like the first time any of us learn that trainers, runners, sneakers,

whatever you want to call them,

are stitched by eight-year-old children in the Third World.

And you hear this and you go home to your own eight-year-old,

and go, "Look...

"at the quality of work...

"..that these children are producing,

"compared to the rubbish you're bringing back from that school."

A rocket made out of cardboard tubes.

WHAT am I supposed to do with that?

I can run in these. You see that there?

"Make me a shoe and I will put it on the fridge.

"Do we understand each other?"

I'll give you a Christmas story. A genuine Christmas story.

I went... A nicer story.

I went, about two years ago, to buy my wife a Christmas present

in one of the major department stores.

Legally, on these kind of shows, you always have to be really

careful about naming specific shops.

For the sake of argument, we'll call it Selfridges,

because it was Selfridges.

It happened in Selfridges on Oxford Street.

They've got all these jewellery concessions.

And I went in one of those to buy a present.

I looked at a necklace and some earrings and go,

"What will I get? What will I buy her?"

And, eventually I said, "I'm going to take the necklace."

I called the woman and said, "I'll take the necklace, please."

And the woman walks off and goes, "No problem at all,"

takes the necklace off me to box it and bag it

and get it ready as a gift.

I'm standing there looking at the earrings that are left,

which are part of the same set.

Do you know what, that would make a nicer gift if I got them as well.

They're part of the same set.

It's been a long year of travel and work,

that'd be a lovely thing if we could just do that.

So, when the woman comes over again,

I go, "I'm also going to take the earrings."

And not a word of a lie,

the woman in the Selfridges jewellery concession

looks at me and genuinely goes,

"And are these...

"for the same lady?"

And, suddenly, I am transported to a world of sexual sophistication...

..that I am ill-equipped to carry off.

Your James Bond type would know what to say at this moment,

whereas I'm there going, "Erm, oh, ah."

"Hmm. Could be yours, if you play your cards right!"

And, Jesus, does every department of Selfridges do this?

If I'm in the home goods department and I go,

"I know I've already bought the Clairol foot spa

"but I'm also going to get the Breville sandwich-maker as well,"

are they just trained to go,

"And is this...

"for the same lady?"

"No, I've a bit on the side, and after we have a shag,

"she loves a ham-and-cheese toastie."

May I wish you the happiest of Christmases.

It's been absolutely delightful. I'm Dara O Briain.

Thank you very much. See you again. Thank you.

Yeah! Dara O Briain, ladies and gentlemen.

Wonderful.

So, it's quite extraordinary here.

Cos you've got these sort of jewel, symmetrical Christmas trees.

But I don't know if there's actually anything in these.

Are these genuine presents, do you think?

MUSICAL RINGTONE What is that?

Hello?

Ssh-ssh. Lilibet. Hello, darling.

(It's the Queen, it's the Queen.)

The Queen is on the phone?

I can't talk now, darling.

No, no, you were wise to miss it.

What's going on on Downton?

Mr Carson has done what?!

With a fish fork?

Who to?

I can't talk about it now. I'll have to go.

Bye, darling, bye.

You've got the Queen in your phone,

and Nadiya is your personal pastry chef?

Dame Edna, is there any chance I could maybe borrow that phone

-and we could try and...

-Well...

Please, anything you find out must go no further.

Nadiya,

-take my phone, take it down to Michael.

-Is that all right, Nadiya?

-Thank you so much.

-She's coming.

Ladies and gentlemen, a very generous Dame Edna Everage,

personal friend of the Queen.

CHEERING

Thank you so much, Nadiya.

-So nice to meet you. How are you, Nadiya?

-I'm all right.

So, I've got questions for you, if you don't mind, after the Bake Off

and all the success and everything.

-Yeah.

-So, this was watched by how many people?

-15.1 million.

-15.1 million people watched you win...?

-Yeah.

And is that the most-watched show?

I think it's the most-watched show this year.

Well, you know, it's six days till the New Year,

-and I'm feeling rather confident.

-Good luck.

-Thanks for coming and bringing me Dame Edna's phone.

-Thank you.

It's lovely Nadiya!

Yay!

All right...

OK, Dame Edna, brace yourself, darling.

Oh...

Yay!

OK, let's have a look at these contacts.

Yes... Ooh, these are all your...

these are all your people.

Ooh!

Oh!

This is an incredible phone book, Dame Edna.

But that's just the B-list!

The Dalai Lama?

Yes!

You know the Dalai Lama?

He rings me for spiritual advice.

This is amazing. Kim Kardashian, that's an exciting one.

-Well...

-You know Kim?

-She's a friend of mine and she's a lovely girl.

-Oh.

There is a "but"...

Rather a large one, unfortunately!

All right, OK. I don't know about you, ladies and gentlemen,

I think this calls for phone calls, what do you think?

CHEERING

If Nadiya is your personal pastry chef,

-who on earth could be your pizza delivery boy?

-Mm.

Well...

let's find out.

DAME EDNA LAUGHS

MICHAEL LAUGHS

Oh, my God!

CHEERING

It's Gino D'Acampo!

Do you deliver her pizzas?

I always deliver her pizza at this time of night. Always.

Gino, what's underneath that apron?

Is very little under here - nothing, look!

Oh, my goodness me, Dame Edna.

I do like him like that.

Gino, would you like to wish a merry Christmas...

Let me show you the audience. Can you see...?

Oh, look, it's the Theatre Royal, Drury Lane.

Say hello to pizza delivery boy Gina D'Acampo.

Buon Natale - merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas!

Oh, good Lord.

OK, well, I have to be honest,

I did notice when I was going through this phone,

um, a little name here -

Sir Tom Jones.

-Now, I am a huge fan of Sir Tom.

-Oh!

Let's FaceTime him and see where he might be.

CHEERING

LAUGHTER

-Tom?

-Dame Edna?

-No, it's...

-Oh, darling!

It's Michael McIntyre, you're supposed to be on my show, Tom!

Don't worry, I'll be there. Just announce me.

All right - ladies and gentlemen, Sir Tom Jones!

MUSIC: Raise A Ruckus

# Come along, little children Come along

# While the moon is shining bright

# Get on board

# Down the river float

# Raise a ruckus tonight

# I love my wife, I love my baby

# I love my biscuits dippin' in gravy

# Save me the ham bone Give me the gravy

# I love my biscuits sopped in gravy

# Come along, little children Come along

# While the moon is shining bright

# Get on board

# Down the river float

# Raise a ruckus tonight

# Now, when I die won't you bury me deep?

# Put molasses on my head and my feet

# Put them flapjacks in my hand

# All the way to the Promised Land

# Come along, children, come along

# While the moon is shining bright

# Get on board

# Down the river float

# Raise a ruckus tonight

# Now, some folks say that a preacher don't steal

# Well, I caught one in my cornfield

# One had a bushel The other had a peck

# One had a rooster around his neck

# Come along, little children Come along

# While the moon is shining bright

# Get on board

# Down the river float

# Raise a ruckus tonight

# Come along, little children Come along

# While the moon is shining bright

# Get on board

# Down the river float

# Raise a ruckus tonight

# Come along, little children Come along

# While the moon is shining bright

# Get on board

# Down the river float

# Raise a ruckus tonight

# Why don't we raise a ruckus tonight?

# Come on and raise a ruckus tonight. #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Yeah!

Whoo! Thank you.

Merry Christmas, everybody.

Yo!

Oh, what a reaction!

Absolutely incredible.

A legend - Sir Tom Jones, ladies and gentlemen.

OK.

So, it's a big moment here for Ben.

Please, join me on stage, Ben, what an absolute sport.

Come on, let's hear it for Ben!

CHEERING

This boy's been through it!

Oh, thank you so much - a legend.

Stay on stage with us for the finale.

OK. Just stand over here. In fact, take a bow.

Take a bow. Thank you, take a bow.

CHEERING

Yes.

Please give it up for everybody who's made it so special.

We've had... Oh, Dean and Dawn come up as well!

Come on, Dean and Dawn.

Dean and Dawn, ladies and gentlemen! They were having dinner.

If you'd just like to stand over here - thank you so much.

Take a bow, take a bow.

OK, from Strictly Come Dancing, of course,

we had Aljaz and Janette, they were here, Aljaz and Janette.

Take a bow. CHEERING

Whoo! Yes, why not?

Oh, what a delight -

it was the winner of the Great British Bake Off, Nadiya Hussain.

CHEERING

Whoo!

And, of course the wonderful Mr Paul Zerdin, what about that?

Paul Zerdin.

He's a winner.

Oh, the truly wonderful Ellie Goulding. Ellie, darling.

Oh. Divine!

And please give it up for Dara O Briain was here. Dara!

CHEERING

And ladies and gentlemen,

all the way from Buckingham Palace,

Miss Dame Edna Everage!

CHEERING AND WHISTLING

CHEERING INTENSIFIES

Absolutely fantastic.

Ladies and gentlemen, playing us out tonight,

of course, it's the one and only Sir Tom Jones!

CHEERING

# Rudolph, the red-nosed reindeer

# Had a very shiny nose

# And if you ever saw him

# You would even say it glows

# All of the other reindeers

# Used to laugh and call him names

# They wouldn't let poor Rudolph

# Join in any reindeer games

# Then one foggy Christmas Eve

# Santa came to say

# Rudolph, with your nose so bright

# Won't you guide my sleigh tonight?

# How the reindeer loved him

# And then they shouted out with glee

# Rudolph, the red-nosed reindeer

# You'll go down in history

# Yeah!

-# Rudolph, the red-nosed reindeer

-All right!

# Rudolph, the red-nosed reindeer

# Rudolph, the red-nosed reindeer

-# Yes, sir

-The red-nosed reindeer

# Rudolph, the red-nosed reindeer

# Rudolph, you'll go down in history

-# Whoo!

-The red-nosed reindeer

# Rudolph, the red-nosed reindeer

# Rudolph, you'll go down in history... #

CHEERING

# Oh, yeah!

# Yeah...

# Yeah

# Yow! #

Thank you!

-Merry Christmas, everybody!

-Merry Christmas, happy New Year!