2016


2016

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Transcript


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This programme contains very strong language and adult humour.

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Hello, UK and welcome on board the International Space Station.

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With midnight rapidly approaching,

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I'd like to wish everybody on our beautiful planet Earth

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a very fun New Year's Eve

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and a happy, healthy 2016.

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Happy New Year!

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2016 kicked off in style on 1st January 2016.

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2016 has been a year.

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A year of thrilling sporting success.

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Shock departures.

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Birthday celebrations.

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The monarch. The Bard.

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TV royalty.

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And deaths.

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And who can forget the first PMS garden?

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Now, Emma, this is about severe PMS, not what you call regular PMS?

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So join us as we look back at the cultural highlights of 2016 through

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film, television...

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Look, I need to use the phone, you saucy little bitch!

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And stuff like that.

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This is 2016 - A Year in the Life of a Year.

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2016 has been a year.

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As far as years go, and there have been many,

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2016 is up there with 1978, 2006,

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1957 and 1743.

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In this special programme,

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we will look back at what we consider to be the defining moments

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of the year and where better to begin

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than at the very start of the year itself - March.

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This year, the Bard celebrated what would have been his 600th birthday,

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and some of the country's greatest Shakespearean actors gathered in

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Stratford, east London, the birthplace of the Bard,

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to celebrate the Bard's life and work.

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Shakespeare is performed all over the world.

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-SPEAKING TOGETHER:

-He has been translated in very language from Albanian to Zulu...

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...two landmark productions that open our eyes to his global influence.

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-SPEAKING TOGETHER:

-South African writer and director...

-The Japanese director, Yukio Ninagawa

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-brought his cherry blossom Macbeth to the Edinburgh Festival in 1985.

-..with his Zulu Macbeth, Umabatha.

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THEY PERFORM IN JAPANESE

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Your mountainish inhumanity.

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APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

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Whether it is nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of

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outrageous fortune...

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MOBILE PHONE RINGS

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RUSTLING

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I'm in the theatre. There's a play on.

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Some bloke doing Shakespeare.

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To be...

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-Got free tickets.

-..or not to be.

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No, I've got to go...

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That is the question.

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Cancer? Oh, shit, man.

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From the Prince of Denmark to the Queen of Vic.

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In March, we said goodbye to a TV icon, Dame Barbara Windsor.

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She didn't die, she left EastEnders, but her character in EastEnders died

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and it was very, very sad.

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Aww!

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CLATTERING

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You all right, Mum? You don't seem yourself.

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By scene two, him and I were doing what we do,

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you know, the Mitchell brothers, we're back.

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Barbara said, "It's time for Peggy to die."

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And I cried when she told me, I genuinely cried. Um...

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And she cried. And Scott, her husband, cried.

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And Steve cried.

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And Ross cried.

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And Phil and Grant genuinely cried.

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Steve McFadden cried and Barbara and Steve cried.

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And Mick cried.

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And we all sort of sat and held each other.

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And then we genuinely cried.

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But the most poignant moment was when Peggy Mitchell met the ghostly

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figure of an old friend.

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It had to be Pat.

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As you would...

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I know the word "ghost" is overused,

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but as you would expect a ghost to be, which is, to my mind,

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an impression, a photograph on the atmosphere.

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We thought, no, let's treat it as natural.

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Oh, I might have known it was you.

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With your earrings rattling like Marley's bleeding chains.

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-DISTORTED VOICE:

-Oh, these are me favourites!

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I think I look smashing.

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We've had an icon playing an icon.

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And I think you could replace the Albert Square sign

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with a picture of Peggy Mitchell.

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GARGLING

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RETCHING

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DRAWN-OUT RETCHING

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CLOCK TICKS

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This year also saw the death of Deal or No Deal,

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which was sadly axed by Channel 4.

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But it bowed out in style with this naked special.

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The air of anticipation here.

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Yes, are we going to change somebody's life

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in spectacular fashion?

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You come out here on a voyage of pink discovery.

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A rude number three, please.

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Could you get us underway, please?

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Oh!

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Ow!

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I keep looking at number four.

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I don't know why.

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Although, I am thinking girlie.

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I do like adventure and...

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Tony, number 13, please.

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Deal or no deal?

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Deal.

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APPLAUSE

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If it was classy drama you were after,

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there was nothing more classy and dramatic than Tom Hiddleston

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in Ian Fleming's the Night Watchman.

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-Is that the night manager?

-Yes, who's speaking, please?

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You have a guest in the Hatchepsup Suite. She needs to leave the hotel immediately.

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Call me when she's safe.

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-I'm a friend.

-What do you mean, a friend?

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Just get her out, Mr Pine.

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Her life is at risk.

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HE RETCHES

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Find out what happened to that bloody parcel, will you?

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Yes, sir. Absolutely, right away.

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HE RETCHES

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Can I help you, madam?

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Is the pool open?

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Give me one moment, please.

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HE RETCHES

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Comedian Rowan Atkinson made his drama debut in the lavish revival

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of Belgian detective series Maigret.

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What are your methods, Chief Inspector?

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-AS MR BEAN:

-I just need my teddy.

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April saw the release of the year's first blockbuster.

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Disney's live action adaptation of The Jungle Book,

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complete with spectacular special effects and a sinister performance

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by Idris Elba as the big tiger.

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Well, I can see it all clearly now,

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between you and them sub-contractors

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and that motherfucking politician, y'all had me in a spin, right?

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Mowgli belongs to my pack, Shere Khan.

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Little Man! We're going to get all this shit sorted out.

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And hey, if the shit don't come up right,

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one way or another, YOU will pay for this shit!

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He's just a cub.

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Why the fuck did you get all upset over some bullshit?

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Here we are a fucking year later, everybody forgot about the shit

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and you're running your mouth about nothing at all?

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I sure won't take that shit.

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Go half crazy with it.

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Shut the fuck up!

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Also in April, Sir David Attenborough celebrated 90 years

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on earth and the BBC dedicated a whole month of programmes to him,

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including this one.

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Good evening, Sir David.

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I would like to wish you, Sir David, a very happy 90th birthday.

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FARTING SOUND

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And then there was the return of Planet Earth.

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Up here in Alaska, during the summer,

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a whole succession of different food become available.

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And there is a spectacular animal here

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that's prepared to sample each and every single one of them.

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No one dish remains available for very long

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so you have to make the best of it while you can,

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and top of the menu right now is Homo erectus.

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It's the favourite food of the largest and certainly the most

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formidable of all omnivores - grizzly bears.

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The conflict between people and wildlife is on the rise.

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Humans have created this crisis,

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but we also have the power to resolve it.

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Let me ask you, if I may, about an incident last week

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involving one of the gorillas at London Zoo, Kumbuka,

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who escaped after being taunted by people.

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What was your reaction to that story?

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Deep, deep sympathy and sorrow.

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They are wonderful animals.

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If the people were sort of respectful, that would be something.

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But sometimes, visitors to zoos are not respectful

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and finally the alpha male, the big gorilla,

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got fed up with it, it's hardly surprising.

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In May, the long-awaited Harry Potter and the Cursed Child

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opened in London's West End.

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I'm here because I love Harry Potter, I love the theatre.

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He was such a big part of my childhood,

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I thought this maybe was going to be really different and it might

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slightly change or ruin...

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Well, I don't think it will.

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I'm really chuffed that JK Rowling's chosen London to have the world

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premiere of Harry Potter and the Curse Child.

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Clearly Voldemort or his successor may well be back,

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so we'll have to wait and see what happens.

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Some of Harry Potter's biggest stars, and Rupert Grint,

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attended the premiere.

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Thanks, gorgeous. You're a legend. Thanks, gorgeous.

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The three of us kind of talked and discussed and

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cogitated the story through discussions,

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which Jack then wrote down.

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Well, well, well, if it isn't Harry Potter.

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You think all because you're famous

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you can boss everyone around!

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I knew how much expectation there would be.

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And didn't want to let fans down.

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Don't mess with Harry Potter. He met the Dark Lord when he was a baby.

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-Thank you very much, indeed.

-Thank you.

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Also in May, George Clooney unveiled the brand-new, curry-proof

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five-pound note, made of cow fat.

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Her Majesty the Queen was entertained by Neil Morrissey,

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with his delightful performing ponies.

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And Monty Don licked an ice cream.

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The biggest piece of showbiz gossip of 2016 was the demise of Brangelina.

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Actress Marion Cotillard has issued a statement overnight quashing any

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rumours that she was in any way involved

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with Brad and Angelina's divorce.

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Well, we're now joined by divorce lawyer Christopher Mercher.

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A very good morning to you.

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Do you know, what strikes me about this situation

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is it seems to have got bitter very quickly.

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-MUMBLED:

-Just very quickly - what you have to remember

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is that Angelina Jolie has had a history

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of turbulent relationships with her former husbands.

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She also has a terrible relationship

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with her father, Jon Voight.

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Jon Voight. Jon Voight.

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Next question.

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There are indications Angelina doesn't want any money from

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Brad Pitt - is that likely to be how they resolve this?

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No.

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In June, football happened.

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Blimey, you've joined us. You're suckers for punishment.

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England are out of Euro 2016

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after losing to Iceland and Roy Hodgson has resigned.

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It's been a dramatic and traumatic night for English football.

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The inquest has begun and these three have plenty to say.

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Well, that's it from us.

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England have been beaten by Iceland,

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a country with more volcanoes than professional footballers.

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We may as well give up. Sweet dreams.

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Absolutely gutted. Sick as a parrot. Not over the moon.

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Joe Hart, a liability.

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A total liability.

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He should have brought Foster in after Wales.

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Roy Hodgson, bye-bye. Just like the EU.

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THEY CHEER

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As a result of the humiliating defeat to Iceland,

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the entire government was forced to resign.

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Wankers!

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On June 6th 2016,

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the 40th anniversary special edition of the classic horror The Omen

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shot back to number one at the UK box office.

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Complete with deleted scenes and the original score,

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rejected by 20th Century Fox.

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MUSIC: I Could Be So Good For You by Dennis Waterman

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In July, television's most feared Newton's cradle

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was back in the TV event of the month -

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the National Lottery 5-Star Reunion.

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The pupil, iris and retina are found in which part of the human body?

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-The eye.

-Tit.

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Rhinoplasty is plastic surgery performed on which part of

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-the body?

-Nose.

-Tit.

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The Galapagos Islands take their name from an old Spanish word

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-meaning what?

-Pass.

-Tit.

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Which bird has types called blue, coal and great?

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-Shark.

-Is correct.

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And you have won £5,000!

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APPLAUSE

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BBC One's How To Live Young brought science to the masses

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and revealed how to live young, with some surprising results.

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Shimpuku Kamaki is 100 years old -

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one of the many centenarians here whose diet keeps

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him healthy.

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On average, the Okinawans eat a huge amount of this purple food

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every day.

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Over half a kilo each.

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MUSIC: Body Language by Queen

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# You've got the cutest ass I've ever seen

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# Knock me down for a six anytime

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# Baby you're hot! #

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This year TV made the headlines on numerous occasions -

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the biggest story was the return of Top Gear.

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Chris Evans got in the driving seat and drove the show right over a cliff into disaster.

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Would you like to meet the first-ever non-UK host of Top Gear?

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Matt LeBlanc!

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APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

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How YOU doing?

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How YOU doing?

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Last Sunday the return of one of the BBC's most valuable exports

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set Twitter alight.

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I thought the new Top Gear was bollocks.

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And by the sound of it,

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one presenter in particular was driving you round the bend.

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Chris Evans has killed Top Gear. I think he should be shot.

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He's a punk. He's a dog.

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He's a pig. I'd like to punch him in the face.

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Ten years after the last Bridget Jones film,

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Bridget Jones was back again in Bridget Jones's Baby.

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This time, Bridget Jones had a baby.

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Rene Zellweger reappeared after an absence on-screen of over a decade

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looking quite different.

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The TV event of the year was Westworld.

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Whether the remake was better than the film divided opinion.

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However, one thing everybody agreed on was that this bloke...

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Are you fucking kidding me?!

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..was shit.

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That's 200 hosts spread across a dozen active storylines.

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A relentless fucking experience.

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Now you pull one character, the overall story adjusts.

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You pull 200 at once, and it's a fucking disaster!

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Hello, Artie.

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It wasn't only Westfield that featured artificial intelligence.

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Robots appeared in Humans...

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It commences at 7.17 am Pacific Standard Time.

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What would you do?!

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..Morgan...

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-I'm to make sure you're safe.

-..Tutankhamoon...

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You're needed in Britain.

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-Are you Mr Carter?

-I am.

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Sir, I'm to ask you to report to the army headquarters in Cairo.

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..and The Crown.

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It's not as easy as it looks.

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That's exactly what the King said.

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The last two weren't actually robots,

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but everybody thought they were.

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In 2016,

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the 69 Club became the new 27 Club as some of our greatest icons died

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tragically young, at the age of 69.

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David Bowie. Alan Rickman.

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Glenn Frey, Prince.

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Ronnie Corbett.

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George Martin. Paul Daniels,

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Manuel.

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Emerson, from Emerson, Lake and Palmer.

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Wind, from Earth, Wind and Fire.

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Lake, from Emerson, Lake and Palmer.

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Terry Wogan. From Wogan.

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INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC: Life On Mars? by David Bowie

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October, or "the fall" as the Americans call it,

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because all the leaves fall down off the trees, was scary season.

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The world was flooded with horror.

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The Exorcist, Damien, Still Game, American Horror Story.

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But the real terror was occurring in real life

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with the rise of the creepy clowns.

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Real clowns from all over the world were quick to distance themselves

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from their naughty cousins.

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HE SPEAKS SPANISH

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There's been 18 cases across Gwent as of today.

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Peering through windows.

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Now that can have, if you're not expecting it, quite a nasty,

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a surprise factor.

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So it's very important that people stop doing this or they could find

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themselves arrested.

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Thank you.

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2016 was the year of the reboot as classic comedies like Porridge,

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Young Hyacinth, Are You Being Served?

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and Ten Rillington Place got a makeover for the 21st century.

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MUSIC: House Of Fun by Madness

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Just thought I'd go over a few house rules.

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CANNED LAUGHTER

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Reginald Christie. I've been on the ground floor for ten years now.

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I'm Beryl.

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Ah, good evening, Mrs...?

0:21:010:21:04

Evans.

0:21:040:21:05

We're not long married, Mr Christie. Could do with some privacy.

0:21:050:21:09

CANNED LAUGHTER

0:21:090:21:11

Oh, er... it's a bit on the small side, isn't it?

0:21:170:21:21

CANNED LAUGHTER

0:21:210:21:24

2016 was not a good year for pop music.

0:21:270:21:31

This rubbish was number one for 15 weeks - can you believe it?

0:21:310:21:35

This rubbish was number one for ten weeks - can you believe that?

0:21:350:21:39

And as for this, number one for eight weeks.

0:21:400:21:42

Come off it!

0:21:420:21:44

Thankfully in October, a real musician came out of retirement

0:21:440:21:47

to save us all from this trash.

0:21:470:21:49

Phil Collins.

0:21:490:21:51

Good morning.

0:21:510:21:53

Drummers all over the world rejoiced

0:21:530:21:55

as the former Genesis star announced his comeback tour.

0:21:550:21:58

In October, Benedict Cumberbatch took a sabbatical from acting

0:22:080:22:11

to pursue his rock career,

0:22:110:22:13

taking over from Roger Waters as vocalist in Pink Floyd.

0:22:130:22:16

He and the band recorded a new album

0:22:190:22:21

and announced a 30-date European Tour of Japan.

0:22:210:22:25

# That'll keep you going through the show

0:22:250:22:30

# Come on, it's time to go... #

0:22:300:22:34

In November, Donald Trump won the US election

0:22:340:22:37

by getting 2.5 million votes less than Hillary Clinton.

0:22:370:22:41

Left-wing actor and director Vincent Jones released a protest movie

0:22:420:22:46

in response to the news, the political thriller,

0:22:460:22:49

The Assassination Of President Trump.

0:22:490:22:52

I've just received a call

0:22:520:22:54

from Secretary Clinton.

0:22:540:22:56

She congratulated us, it's about us.

0:22:580:23:01

What the fuck is this?

0:23:010:23:04

In December, this came out.

0:23:050:23:07

Do you want to try to land?

0:23:070:23:09

Scully stars Tom Hanks as Scully,

0:23:090:23:11

the pilot who crash-landed a jumbo jet into the Hudson River

0:23:110:23:14

after hitting a guff of pelicans.

0:23:140:23:17

Lost thrust on both engines, we're turning back towards LaGuardia.

0:23:230:23:26

However, the pelicans were the least of his problems.

0:23:260:23:30

I'm sorry, say it again, cactus.

0:23:300:23:32

This is the captain. Brace for impact.

0:23:340:23:36

The biggest revelation of 2016 was unearthed in this episode

0:23:460:23:49

of my mum's favourite programme - Who Do You Think That You Are?

0:23:490:23:53

-All right.

-Right, have a look at this.

0:23:540:23:56

This is your great-great-great- great-great-great-great- great-grandmother.

0:23:560:24:00

She looks naughty. Fascinating boat.

0:24:000:24:02

And this is your great-great-great- great-great-great-great-great- great-grandmother.

0:24:020:24:06

See, I love all this.

0:24:060:24:08

Danny's come to meet expert genealogist Laura Berry.

0:24:080:24:12

She's sexy and I quite fancy her. So, that helps.

0:24:120:24:15

If you work up the tree to Robert Gosnold,

0:24:150:24:20

who is your ten times great-great- great-great-great- great-grandfather.

0:24:200:24:23

Ten times great-great-great-great- great-great-grandfather,

0:24:230:24:27

Robert Gosnold.

0:24:270:24:28

Wow!

0:24:280:24:30

Danny's going to meet his distant relative,

0:24:300:24:32

the current Lord Tollemache.

0:24:320:24:35

What have I got myself into?

0:24:350:24:36

I am fucking shitting myself.

0:24:360:24:39

There are a lot of monuments in the church.

0:24:390:24:41

The very, very top one made by Lionel Tollemache.

0:24:410:24:44

So that would be my 12 times

0:24:440:24:48

great-great-great-great-great-

0:24:480:24:52

great-great-great-great- grandfather.

0:24:520:24:56

That's right.

0:24:560:24:57

HE EXHALES

0:24:570:25:00

So, Edward III, yes,

0:25:000:25:01

he's your 22 times

0:25:010:25:03

great-great-great- great-great-great-great-

0:25:030:25:07

great-great-great-great- great-grandfather.

0:25:070:25:11

So you are directly descended from King Edward III of England.

0:25:150:25:19

I cannot believe what I've just witnessed with my own eyes,

0:25:200:25:24

some of the shit that he's shown me in there is unbelievable.

0:25:240:25:27

Following in the snowy footprints of John Lewis,

0:25:290:25:32

Screwfix launched their first Christmas advert this year

0:25:320:25:35

and the song that accompanied it

0:25:350:25:37

became the surprise Christmas number one.

0:25:370:25:39

# When we fight one another... #

0:25:410:25:43

An Eye For An Eye was written and performed by DIY SOS superstar

0:25:450:25:49

Nick Knowles and his brother, Noel.

0:25:490:25:52

# The ones who suffer are the ones who sit at home and wait... #

0:25:520:25:58

The song became the fastest-selling Christmas record of all time.

0:25:580:26:03

# Is there no denying those who are trying... #

0:26:030:26:07

An Eye For An Eye I went on to sell more copies than Band Aid I,

0:26:070:26:10

Band Aid II, Band Aid III, Band Aid IV and Band Aid V combined.

0:26:100:26:15

# Cos an eye for an eye

0:26:150:26:18

# Is making the whole world blind... #

0:26:190:26:24

All profits from the single were donated to the wives

0:26:240:26:27

of those tragically killed or injured in DIY mishaps.

0:26:270:26:30

# Yeah... #

0:26:370:26:41

Well, 2016 has been quite a year.

0:26:410:26:44

Let's hope 2017 is, too.

0:26:440:26:48

Happy New Year.

0:26:480:26:50

Oh, cock!

0:27:120:27:14

Sock and cock.

0:27:140:27:16

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