Luisa Omielan's What Would Beyonce Do?!

This programme contains strong language and adult humour

-Luisa, what do we know about Luisa?

-Love her.

-Amazing.

-She's really funny, as well.

She's a cool girl, that's why we're back.

-Looking forward to it.

-Have a good night.

Thank you so much for coming to the show.

What I like to do is make sure that we have a bit of

a party!

CHEERING

MUSIC PLAYS: Feel The Love by Rudimental ft John Newman

Welcome to the show!

CHEERING

Yay!

Take a seat, take a seat, right,

basically, I need a warm-up act, because, like,

Beyonce wouldn't introduce herself, so, you wouldn't get Beyonce being,

like, "Oh, welcome to the stage, me."

So, who here wants to be my warm-up act?

-AUDIENCE MEMBER:

-Me!

Oh, I love that, this is so cute,

the person that avoids all eye contact automatically nominates themselves.

Welcome to the stage, this woman in the white top, you, come on,

welcome, welcome her to the stage.

CHEERING

-Hi.

-Hi. Hi.

What's your name?

-Shanine.

-Hi, Shanine. OK, guys, can I have some privacy, please, for me

and Shanine. OK, so...

OK, Shanine, what I need you to do is come out here, do your best fire, right?

Just a bit of banter. Be like, "Hi, what do you do for a living?"

There'll be, like, a postwoman,

then just drop a really good joke about being a postwoman,

I can't write all the jokes for you, babe, you got to do some work yourself. Right.

You're going to be, like, welcome to the stage, Luisa Omielan. Omielan. Not Omelian. Not, "I'm a man".

Not, "You're a twat, why did you bring me up here?"

Omielan.

Omielan. Right? Then you've got to go, "What would Beyonce do?"

OK, you've got to be really, like, "What would Beyonce do?!"

Yeah? And this lot are going to go batshit cray.

-You're not even ready.

-I was going to say, can we rehearse this?

No rehearsal, bitch, no rehearsal,

-no, right.

-No pressure.

-No pressure.

No, I mean, I'm only filming it for the BBC, no pressure at all.

"So, Luisa Omielan, what would Beyonce do?"

You're not ready for how much love they're going to give you, OK?

-You're not even ready.

-I want all the love.

-You want all the love.

Don't get too used to it, babe, they are here to see me, OK?

You got this.

You've got this. Deep breath.

You're nervous, fuck, how do you think I feel?

All right, go on, then.

Right, OK, you're Shanine, right?

-Yes.

-Yeah, OK. Shanine, hey, listen, to help you get into character,

just think of yourself as the Kelly or Michelle.

LAUGHTER

CHEERING

Welcome, everyone,

to Luisa Omielan - What Would Beyonce Do?

CHEERING

MUSIC PLAYS: Crazy In Love by Beyonce

Make some noise.

Welcome to What Would Beyonce Do?

CHEERING

Make some noise for Shanine.

Now, guys,

this isn't a show where I'm like, "Oh, my God, I love Beyonce!

"I wish I was like Beyonce!"

In this show, I am Beyonce,

OK? OK.

And it's weird because in many ways me and Beyonce are really similar,

like, it's crazy, right?

Very often people get me and Beyonce confused.

It's adorable.

You see, growing up, I thought I'd have the same lifestyle as Beyonce,

but God decided to give me a very different set of cards.

And...

It's weird, because we are so similar that people very often confuse us.

Like, only the other day somebody stopped me on the street and went,

"Oh, my God are you mixed race?"

"Thanks, babe.

"Just a winning smile and a zest for life, but thank you."

But here's how I realised that being Beyonce,

we're like sisters from another mister, right?

Because I was at home and my little brother blocked the toilet

with a really big poo.

You know the kind that's very long and thick.

If it was a willy, he'd be well in, but it's not, is it, babe?

And my mum said to me it's my job to unblock it, right?

So I'm there with a toilet brush,

desperately try to make this thing go down that one-way system, right?

And the water's spitting back in my...

And my mum says to me, "Luisa, that's not going to work,

"you'll have a go to the garden to fetch a stick."

So, I found myself not long ago, guys,

walking round my back garden looking for a reasonable-size stick

to break up my little brother's poo with.

And while I was doing that, I couldn't help but think to myself...

.."Does this happen to Beyonce?"

In which case, why the fuck is it happening to me?

Look at me, look at me, right?

Now, because of my attitude, I get called a diva all the time.

I don't give a watt. Give me a cheer if you've ever been called a diva.

CHEERING

Right? It's a good thing.

It's a good thing. Because as far as I am concerned,

-a diva is a female version... AUDIENCE:

-..of a hustler,

of a hustler, of a hustler!

Yes, give yourselves a round of applause.

That's the right answer.

But here's the thing -

if she couldn't sing and she couldn't dance but she was fabulous

in every other way, when life gives her lemons...

PS, FYI, I wrote this show five and a half years ago,

I've been saying that line for five and a half years

and then the bitch brings out the album not long ago.

If that's not a sign that me and her were separated at birth,

I don't know what is. When life gives her lemons, what would Beyonce do?

We are about to find out, are you up for this?

Yes. OK. Rule number one, in the Bible of Beyonce, thou art Bootylicious.

-What are you?

-Bootylicious.

Damn right, you are. Bootylicious, damn right you are.

I love my body, I love getting a tan.

Who here likes tanning?

CHEERING

Yeah. Because cellulite has never looked sexier than when it's orange,

am I right, ladies?

MUSIC PLAYS: Bootylicious by Destiny's Child

I can't hear you.

CHEERING

Let me hear you sing.

Why?

# My body's too bootylicious for you, babe... #

CHEERING

Damn right it is. Now...

I've got a big bum, it's massive, but it's behind me, so...

Never bothered doing anything about it.

In front of my face, I'd fix it. Behind me, couldn't give a fuck.

Let's talk about eating disorders for a minute, shall we?

Let's talk about eating disorders.

I'm sorry, anorexia, bulimia, boo-hoo-hoo, you bitches have had your five,

it's people like me you should feel sorry for, yeah.

Because I grew up skinny, yeah, I was one of them.

I was one of them.

And we don't get any fucking sympathy, do we?

No. Because I've got the opposite of body dysmorphia,

where I get naked in the mirror and I still feel like, whoo, damn!

And my Facebook pictures tell me that's not quite the reality, is it?

See, when I was younger, I was really skinny, right,

so when I was younger, I'd be at school

and all my friends had eating disorders.

So I'd be in the toilet cubicle at break time, right?

And they'd all be in the loo like this, "Oh, Take That have split up."

MIMICS RETCHING

Where I was called Twig Face, so I'd be outside the cubicle, like...

The only problem is, as they've got older, they've learned to go to the gym

to lose the weight, so they're all working out, like, oh, pick up a tree.

I, I go into New Look, pick up a size-eight pair of jeans that don't

fit around my left big toe.

I'm there for a good half hour going...

SHE STRAINS

"Excuse me.

"Well, this is very strange...

"Obviously, New Look have done something with their sizes.

"This has nothing to do with me."

I'm a size 14 now, bitches, a size 14!

CHEERING

Yeah. I'll tell you who's cheering, the fucking skinny bitches,

fucking cheering, fuck you with your carrots.

I've got cellulite to the back of my knees, to the back of my knees.

But I love cellulite. Oh, I love cellulite.

I see an orange in a fruit bowl and get a wide on, you know?

Because the way I see it, I might be a size 14,

have cellulite on the back of my knees, but if I'm sat on your face, mate,

it means one thing, you are lucky!

I just did a royal wave.

But sometimes I get quite shy.

Especially when I'm naked. So shy, I'm so shy.

Like, you know when you wake up in the morning next to some dude

after you've just had sexy time, do you ever have those days?

Sexy time. And you wake up first thing, right,

and you quickly got to run to the bathroom to brush your teeth

and put on some make-up before he wakes up

and is, like, "Ah, who the fuck are you?"

Now, maybe when Beyonce wakes up she's, like, "I can see a halo, halo, halo.

"I woke up like this."

When I wake up in the morning, I look like...

"Oh, no, please stay, don't be scared, Luisa's gone downstairs,

"I'm her sister, hello.

"She asked me to keep the bed warm for you.

"No, relax, you can't get out of that window anyway, Luisa, she's coming,

"Luisa!"

Now, here's my problem.

I can't just walk out, right, because I'm butt naked in the morning,

why am I butt naked?

Because my knickers are on the top of his cupboard somewhere

because you are flexible when you are drunk.

I can't just walk out and let him see all of my nakedness,

are you fucking joking, babe?

"I was breathing in for eight and a half hours, I'm not ruining the facade now.

"I'm not ruining the facade now."

I don't think you lot realise how much effort I put into wooing this fool,

because when I make love, Clapham Grand, when I make love,

it's like a hip-hop video.

Apart from I cry a little bit, you know, whatever.

Cos you know when a guy is making love to you from behind, right?

He's being all, like, romantic and sensual, right?

And he's there behind you like this.

Like bam. Like bam. Like bam, bam, bam.

"I'm going to beat that pussy up. I'm going to beat that pussy up."

Just really caring.

And you find yourself in front of him, like this.

SHE CRIES

"I miss my ex-boyfriend!"

You can't just walk out, can you?

It's not until you are really in love

that you'll let him see all the dimples, is it?

When you're in love, you'll let him see all the flaws and all.

I was in love like that once. I was crazy in love with my ex-boyfriend.

I was so in love with him, we used to sing a duet together where I'd be, like,

# I am in love with you, you set me free. #

And he'd be, like, "You are dumped, please, go away."

But more on that later because it's quite a sad story and this is

a comedy. I say more on it later, the majority of the show...

Sorry if you thought this was all going to be about Beyonce,

no, this is my Adele 21, bitches, this is my Adele 21!

Now, what people don't realise is how much effort it takes for people

like Beyonce and myself to look this fly.

You laughed too hard at that, there was no joke there.

I have to get my eyebrows done on, like, a bi-weekly basis.

First time I went into the salon, the lady there was, like,

MIMICS CHINESE ACCENT: "Ah, you want your chin done, too?"

"I do now, yes."

But I will pay that price for beauty.

Why? Because I'm an independent woman. Give me a cheer if you're an independent woman.

CHEERING

There's a lot of you bitches in the house.

Give me a cheer if you're an independent woman who's in your 30s

and moved back in with your mum. Yeah!

That's our... That's our...

I moved back into my mum's house, right?

Now, my mum's Polish, she's not a cleaner, don't be such a racist,

why would you say that? That's so racist,

she should be, she's a very good one, she loves cleaning.

Like, whenever she gets stressed, she cleans.

Like, when the bills come in once a month, she is, like,

"I must clean the floor. Oh, that's so much better."

It's a bit weird, but it's adorable, right, but here's the thing.

Just because I moved back into my mum's house in my 30s does not mean

that I'm not a strong, independent woman.

I think you'll find I am a strong, independent woman,

because I think you'll find...

MUSIC PLAYS: Independent Women by Destiny's Child

Who bought it?

Who bought it?

Now, technically my mum bought the house, but I'm going to inherit it,

so it's still totally my song. OK.

Let me see your hands.

# All the women who are independent... #

Everyone who's independent, put your hands in the air.

I don't pay any rent, um...

I mean, some people call it spoilt, I call it loved, actually.

You see, I work really hard for this career.

It took me a long time to get here.

I went to university and I got a straight first-class degree, I got,

like the highest first in my institution, like in years, right?

And I came out of university being so proud and excited.

And I was, like, "Oh, hello, world!"

And the world was, like, "Fuck off!"

"You must not know 'bout me.

"You must not know 'bout me."

Right, and I had to sign on.

And you know when you've been signing on for too long, don't you?

When you're high-fiving the security guard on your way into the Jobcentre.

It's too long, mate, it's too long.

"Barry, good to see you,

"Barry, good to see you, Barry, I can't stop,

"I'll talk to you in two weeks' time. Well, I mean, I hope I don't.

"No, I've been looking every day.

"No, I wake up in the morning like I have a job,

"and I make my job to look for a job, then I don't stop until

"9:30 at night, just looking, looking, looking.

"I promise, that's all I do is look.

"Thank you. Thank you.

"Thank you. Thank you.

"Thank you."

And the problem is, after a while, they start sending you

for these whack job interviews, right, but you've got no intention of getting,

but you have to make the effort, otherwise they stop the benefits.

They sent me for this market research position.

I thought I'll be good at this, because I'm good with people.

My job was to go up to members of the public

like yourselves there, guys. Be, like, "Hello, I'm Luisa,

"would it be possible to get a little urine sample from you,

"so I can test you for chlamydia?

"Is that all right?"

Do you see Beyonce collecting piss?

Do you?

Didn't think so.

The problem was I nailed the interview.

Of course I did, look at me, hello, right?

Cos the man that interviewed me

was there like this, "Listen, Miss Omelonelon..."

"It's Omielan, it's very simple."

"I don't care what your name is,

"you are going to get rejected quite a lot in this job role.

"Lots of people are going to come up to your face and they are going to

"tell you to fuck right off.

"So can you give us an example of tenacity."

I was like, "What?" "Tenacity.

"It's a moment in time when you ploughed on despite being

"in the face of rejection." I was, like, "Oh, my God, yes.

"Because one time I had sex with this guy, and he, he didn't even fancy me.

"He was not interested. At all.

"And I got him to fuck me." Have you ever tried to rape a man before?

It's very hard.

I mean, it's not, that's kind of the problem, but you know when...

You know when you meet somebody, you don't know why you're attracted

to this person. You don't know why you fancy this fool.

Maybe it's the dupe he's wearing or something,

you don't know what it is. Right?

And I met this guy, and he had the emotional maturity of, I don't know,

like, a retarded baby pigeon.

But for some reason, I was, like, "Oh, my God,

"that be the most beautiful bird I think I've ever seen."

I met this guy and I chased him for ages.

I kept going up to him being like, "Hi, I'm Luisa."

He'd be, like... SHE SQUAWKS

"Will you go away?"

"Oh, sorry, I just find you really attractive,

"I thought you could take me for a Chinese, or something,

"doesn't have to be a proper restaurant,

just eat as much as you like, and I will."

"Look, I don't want a girlfriend, OK?

"I'm not ready for a girlfriend."

"Oh, you see me as a potential girlfriend!"

"Fuck off, or I will hurt you, don't you understand?

"I'm doing this for your benefit, not mine, I just don't want to hurt you,

"I'm not ready, just go away."

"Oh, my God, that is so thoughtful."

"Oh, my God, you should come back to my house,

"we should totally talk about this.

"Coo-coo, coo-coo...

"Coo-dee, coo-dee, coo-dee..."

And he did, we had sex. Whaa!

I didn't hear from him again,

but that, bitches, is tenacity, right?

Yeah! Now, Beyonce is very tenacious, right?

And here's what's interesting about Beyonce,

and how successful she is, and how powerful she is,

and the way that she's had to act and behave in order to get there because I think there is

a different set of rules when it comes to women if you want to be

successful, and you want to be powerful.

Because if you look at Beyonce throughout her career,

she has placed herself as somebody very humble, very gracious, very kind,

very generous. And it's only actually after she got married

that she became as ferocious and as outspoken as she is now,

which is brilliant. But before then, she was so gracious, and humble,

and quiet, which is weird, because if you look at Kanye,

or Jay Z early in their careers,

there was nothing gracious or humble about them.

24 hours a day, they were always, like, "Suck my dick, suck my dick.

"99 problems, not with this dick.

"What!"

Whereas if you ever meet Beyonce, or, I don't know,

watch a lot of YouTube videos, if you ever meet Beyonce,

Beyonce was always the opposite, Beyonce was always, like,

"Oh, I'm sorry, I'm just a girl from the South and I work so hard until my feet bleed, and...

"I just like to stay at home and bake apple pie a la mode for Jay

"and Blue Ivy, that's my daughter, and...

"I'm just a regular girl like anybody else that I know.

"I'm sorry, Oprah, what was that?

"I'm a billionaire?

"Oh...

"Thank you.

"Thank you." And it seems to me there's a different set of rules

when it comes to power between men and women.

You think about power, you think about sex,

and there's definitely a different set of rules when it comes to sex.

I got a different handbook to the one that you fuckers were given, right?

For example. Ladies, you know when you meet a guy,

you bring him back to your place and you're about to make love

for the first time, and you're all excited, aren't you?

You're a bit nervous because you're a bit, like, "Hope it fits, ah!"

It does, it's fine.

I'm actually surprisingly accommodating.

I know.

You wouldn't think it to look at me, but, poof, it disappears!

"Where's my willy gone? Where's my willy gone?"

"I got it, boo, I got it."

And you're having a mad night of passionate sex with his fool, and, to be honest,

you don't even know his name. Right?

So you're just calling him hun, but he keeps calling you babe,

so, fuck it, you're playing the same console, right?

And then he leaves first thing in the morning,

because someone's got to drive the bus. Toot-toot!

"See you later!"

And afterwards, you run downstairs, tell your flatmates or your mum,

whoever you live with, "I fucked this dude!"

She's very proud and, erm... And if you're anything like me, the next day you're, like, "Oh, my God,

"oh, my god, that was amazing, am I glowing?

"Have I got that glow? Am I glowing? I'm glowing, aren't I? No, I didn't

"even cry, I know, it was amazing, I was so good. Oh, my God,

"you know what I'm going to do? I'm just going to text him. I'm going to text him."

If your friends are like my friends, they're like, "Text him? You can't text him.

"Don't text the guy. Never text... Are you joking, babe? Jesus. Don't text him.

"Jeez, no wonder you're single in your 30s

"if this is what you've been doing your whole life. Never text.

"Men are very simple creatures, they won't like that,

"men do not like being chased, you've got to let the man come after you.

You've got to let the man be the alpha male."

"So what does that make me, omega-3? I'm not a fish."

And then they're, like, "If you text him,

"that's really inappropriate, oh, my God, that's so awkward,

"my God, oh, my God, I feel sick for you.

"You can't text, that's really too awkward, that's so forward, oh, my God,

"that's so forward, that's so awkward.

"Luisa, you can't text, just don't, OK?"

"Oh, OK, let me just break it down,

"because I would hate to get it twisted.

"This man, erm...

"fucked me so hard, he gave me a seizure....

"Yet sending him a text message...

"..is too forward, is it?

"Is it?"

I feel like I need to be a bit more honest,

just so you can really see the difference of what we're talking about.

This stranger...

..pounded me so vigorously...

..I squirted all over his bedsheets...

I'm going to say it again, because I feel like you missed it the first time.

This stranger...

..pounded me so vigorously...

I squirted all over his bedsheets...

We spent the whole night rolling around trying to avoid the pond life

that was going on in the middle of the room.

Yet sending him a text message...

Which is free on my price plan, PS, FYI.

Oh, that's where it gets awkward, is it?

Is that where it gets awkward? I don't think so, bitches, come on now,

can't text the guy, I sucked your dick dry, I think I can text you,

jog on, mate, right? Jog on.

So I'm going to text him, right?

I'm going to text him. But, ladies, I'll be clever about it,

you've got to be clever about it. You can't text him a statement,

he won't reply to a statement, you've got to give him a reason to reply.

So you've got to text him a question. So I'll be, like...

You're welcome. So I'll be, like, think of a question, but be breezy.

Think of a question but be breezy.

Hello, Luisa breezy Omielan, that's my name.

So I'll text him. I'll be, like, OK, here's my message,

it's going to be really good, I'll be, like,

"Hi, hun, babe here. So...

"..how long does it take to boil an egg?"

Send. Now, this is actually genius, right?

Because you're hoping he'll look into the subtext,

realise you're in your 30s and are ready to start making some babies.

Eggs, eggs, eggs.

Or... If he's a bit slow, he'll just think you're hungry.

So, either way, you're hoping he'll text back relatively quickly and let you know

that he's interested. Ladies in the audience,

think back to the last time that you were in this situation. Does the boy text back straightaway?

-ALL:

-NO!

-Three days! What the fuck have you been doing for three days?

And when you finally get the message back, is it ever worth the wait?

-ALL:

-NO.

Hell no, bitches, hell no.

When you finally get that message back from him, do you ever read it

and go, "Well, thank God that took him three days."

Does the message you get back ever say anything along the lines of, oh,

I don't know, "Hi there, Luisa, yeah,

"I actually found out your name when I googled beautiful."

Oh, shut up, I love that joke, it's my favourite joke.

When I wrote it, I was really excited I was, like, "Yeah, well done, me,

"you can have a biscuit. You're so good,

"you should have the whole pack!"

"Listen, sorry, I've not been in touch, it's my mum's birthday,

"so I surprised her by taking her to the airport for her and her friends

"for a holiday. I've just got a great relationship with my mum.

"It's not that she's not overbearing or anything, I just respect women."

And...

"The other night was really unlike me.

"I just... Well, I've been avoiding relationships.

"Not on purpose, I've just decided to really work on my own sense of self

"and really make sure that

"I'm the kind of guy that gets to a place where I'm emotionally mature and ready,

"so when I meet the kind of woman that I'm meant to be with,

"that I make sure I'm the man that I'm meant to be, to be, like,

"to deserve the woman that I'm meant to be with.

"So I've just been really working myself.

"And, like, you came along, like, wow, I just wasn't ready for it, Luisa,

"and, then... I haven't been able to stop thinking about you since.

"And...I hope you don't mind,

"but I've gone ahead and been a bit assertive, ah, hope you don't mind.

"I just decided to use my loaf for a bit

"and I booked a table at Number One Oriental Buffet

"on Friday at eight o'clock, right? Because I hear it's your favourite.

"Well, I don't know if it's your favourite, but they had, like,

"a picture of you in the window, so I assumed...

"You'd won a competition, right?

"So, I've booked a table then, I'd love to take you out on Friday

"and just get to know you better as a person. So...

"Let me know if you can make it, because it would make my day if you,

"if you could, love from...

"Hercules. Kiss, kiss, kiss."

That's never the response, is it?

It's never the response.

The message that I stop getting on any public transport,

and I stopped getting on trains because I didn't want to lose my mobile phone reception

for any period of time...

That I waited three days for, that I finally get back from this fool is,

"Five minutes", full stop. No kiss.

Oh, really?

Really? That's what I was waiting for, really?

Now, apart from the fact that the guy's a complete fucktard and cannot cook for shit,

because everybody knows it's three, do I breathe before I respond?

Do I think to myself, "Do you know what, Luisa,

"you've seen the film He's Not That Into You,

"you've also read the book twice, let it go"? No.

No, no, no.

Let the games begin, bitches, let the games begin.

Right? My message is saved in my drafts folder.

Why? Because I wrote it three fucking days ago, that's why, right?

I wrote back instantly. I write back instantly,

"You're a legend, thank you, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, Kiss!" What?

Where in the Bible of Beyonce does she sing,

"To the left, to the left, come back, I need you, please stay, please stay"?

Come on, now, do I look like Taylor Swift?

It's Beyonce we're channelling, bitches, who are we channelling?

Beyonce. Damn right, we are, right? Now, the problem is,

when I broke up with my ex-boyfriend, I read every book under the sun

on relationships because he ended the relationship. I wasn't ready for it to end.

And I don't know if you've been in that situation before,

but it really threw me. So I was, like, there's got to be an answer,

there's got to be a way I can fix it, right?

I read all the books under the sun.

I read A Breakup Because It's Broken, Why Men Love Bitches,

Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus, I read all these books being,

like, there's got to be an answer, there's got to be an answer.

He's Not That Into You. That can't be the answer!

And the messages for women, still, in all of these books is this,

when it comes to getting a man, you've got to let the man be the hunter,

you've got to let the man come hunt you,

when the man's ready, he'll come out of his man cave,

don't go in his man cave now, he won't like that.

When the man's ready, he'll come out of his man cave and he'll come hunt you.

Listen, no man wants a relationship, that's not how it works.

What happens is one day a man will wake up,

he'll bump his head so hard, all of a sudden he'll be ready

for a relationship. And then he will go outside,

he will give that relationship to the first bitch that he lay on.

That's why when you see a couple sometimes and you go,

"How did that happen?"

That's how that happened. That's how that happened. The man is ready.

When the man is ready he'll come out and he'll give that relationship

to the first bitch he lay on,

and all you've got to do is shave your legs and wash your vagina

and make sure...

you ready, because you don't know when that lucky day's going to come.

When a man is going to come hunt you.

I'm not a rabbit, right?

I don't see why I should be outside your fricking man cave

with 12 other bitches waiting for the one day for you

to bump your head and we can all be there in a line being, like,

"Pick me, pick me, pick me."

Why does it have to be like that? Do me a favour, give me the gun, it's going to be you.

SHE SHOOTS Done.

Right?

But, unfortunately, it can't be like that.

All right? Because sometimes, being like that,

sometimes being like that and going for what you want isn't sexy.

Sometimes being a strong, independent woman isn't sexy at all.

I mean, look at Margaret Thatcher.

Strong? Yeah. Independent?

Yeah. Sexy?

Well, not now, is she?

She's dead.

I don't see anybody being, like, "Oh, Maggie T, Maggie T!" Like...

I mean, David Cameron, maybe, but I don't know anybody else.

But here's the thing. She was a woman, and she ran a country,

some might say she was a girl and she ran a...

MUSIC PLAYS: Run The World (Girls) by Beyonce

# Who run this motha? Girls

# Who run this motha? Girls

# Who run this motha? Girls

# Who run the world? Girls

# Who run the world? Girls

# Who run the world? Girls... #

SHE PANTS

Now, Beyonce...

..goes to the gym.

But I like to keep it real with you, bitches.

I don't want you to be, like, "Oh, she's so unattainable!"

Now, I didn't know much about Margaret Thatcher.

I thought she was some pop star from the '80s.

I didn't know. Nobody told me, right?

Margaret Thatcher and Beyonce have actually got a lot in common.

Say what? I'll fill you in. Both have been very impactful with their careers.

And they've both had successful relationships.

Here's what's interesting. When I was in a relationship, I loved it.

I didn't think I would. Because I'm always the single girl.

Like, "I don't need nobody, screw you, I'm a strong, independent woman."

The second I got a boyfriend, I'm like, "I've got your slippers, your dinner,

"your dessert, and so much more."

And when I was in a relationship, I loved it.

And here's how I see relationships. When we're born, we're all thrown into the ocean of life,

and you're swimming in the ocean. And hopefully with your family, who are there to look after you,

and you're there with your mum, and you're swimming in the ocean of life,

and eventually she's, like, "Go on, Luisa, it's time to swim by yourself, in the ocean of life..."

"OK, Mama, I'll try, but don't go too far, OK?" "OK."

Big wave, trying to pay the rent.

"That's a hard wave to swim through by yourself, Mama.

"Oh, big wave, I haven't figured out who I am yet, and I'm 25, Mama,

"I'm drowning, I'm drowning,

"I'm drowning!" "Oh, hey, there baby, what's your name?

"This ocean of life is way more fun with you.

"And I didn't notice that wave.

"I was having too much fun looking at your face, baby, yes, I was.

"Mama, stop calling me, I'm busy, I'll call you back."

"Oh, yeah, hey, baby, these waves and problems,

"they're so much easier next to you.

"I'd love to swim around the ocean of life for a lifetime with you, baby,

"these waves and problems, they don't hit me as hard because I'm swimming next to you.

"If only there was some kind of structural feature where these waves

"would be even easier, and it would be you and I against the world, baby.

"It would be you and I against the world.

"Baby, would you look at that? It's a boat.

"Wouldn't this ocean of life be so much easier to manoeuvre through

"if me and you were together in that little boat made for two, baby?

"That's a relationship boat, is what that is.

"Oh, hell, that's a relation...ship."

LAUGHTER

"Look at my relationship,

"Look at my relationship, it's so beautiful.

"I'm going to start packing things into our relationship.

"I'm going to start investing in our relationship.

"I'm going to go Zara Home, I'm going to make it so nice.

"There's all my love, care and attention, that's all yours, baby,

"that's all yours.

"There's me shaving my legs every day for you, baby, every day.

"There's my iPhone charger,

"so when I stay at your house, my phone doesn't die, that's all yours.

"Oh, look at all the beautiful things I'm investing in the relationship boat...

"It's so exciting. Hey, baby...

"Baby?

"How come you've not put anything into the boat?

"I've put in everything I have.

"You ain't packed in shit.

"Oh, you tired, I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry, I'm so demanding and naggy,

"I know, I'm so sorry.

"No, you're right, you've had a hard day at work, you relax, baby,

"I got this, boo-boo. I got this.

"Oh, here's Christmas with your family because you won't let me

"spend it with mine. Oh, is that my career?

"I'll put it on hold. I'll stay at home and make your babies, yes, I will.

"Hey, what's that? Is that my common sense?"

"Oh!

"Yes. Yes, I've been looking for you.

"It's getting, kind of...

"I'm in love, I'm never going to need this again. Bye!

"Come on, baby, get in the boat, it's time to sail,

"I can't wait to show you off to all my friends.

"They all think you're imaginary.

"Come on, baby.

"Get in the boat. Oh, you want to name the relationship.

"OK. No, I'd like to give you one job, no, no,

"I'll go with whatever you call it, I promise, whatever you call it,

"I want to give you one job,

"I'd sure hate it if you ever felt emasculated by me.

"What you want to call the relationship?

"No, go on, tell me, what's that? What do you want to call it?

"Noncommittal, that's nice, is that French? I like that.

"A noncommittal relationship.

"Look at my noncommittal relationship.

"Oh, it's so fancy, don't be jealous, it's like a jealousy, guys,

"don't be so jealous.

"This is my noncommittal relationship, OK?

"Look, when you stand here on the shore of life,

"and you look for your relationship,

"you're never going to find your relationship, OK?

"'I used to be like you, but I want one now!' That's not how

"it works. But I promise, the day you stop looking, all of a sudden...

TOOTS HORN

"..your relationship will come find you, OK?

"So, let me have my five, it's very unattractive, this jealousy, OK?

"Come, baby, time to get in the boat, baby, come on, get in the boat,

"in, out, in, out, it's not the hokey-cokey, baby, get in the boat.

"Are you in or out of the relationship, baby?

"I just need you to get in the boat. Baby, baby, what are you doing?

"Baby, baby!

"Get off the jet ski, get in the boat!"

Now, when my ex boyfriend decided to fuck off on a jet ski...

I was floored by the end of the relationship.

I've never been so floored by a relationship ending before,

because I hadn't seen it, I hadn't experienced it, right?

And the lovely thing was, I mean, I went back my mum's house,

and the lovely thing was that I became really close to my mum,

and I love my mum, she is a legend.

Give me a cheer if you're a big fan of your mama.

CHEERING

And what was lovely is at the time my mum became a bit, like, my...

MUSIC PLAYS: Girl by Destiny's Child

# Girl, I can tell he's been lying

# And pretending that he's faithful and he loves you

# Girl, you don't have to be hiding

# Don't you be ashamed to say he hurt you

# I'm your girl, you're my girl

# We're your girls

# Don't you know that we love you... #

Yeah. Now, my mum is foreign.

Give me a cheer if anyone here has got foreign parents.

CHEERING

Lovely. Do they ever get their English wrong?

Yeah, my mum gets her English wrong all the time.

Right? Which is ironic, really, cos she teaches it

as a foreign language, but, hey,

don't hate the player, hate the game, right?

Now, when people meet my mum, they expect her to talk like this -

POLISH ACCENT: "Hello, I like to clean." But she doesn't, she talks like this,

and the reason is, when she first came over to England, she came

over with my dad 35 years ago, we were here first,

don't blame me for the influx, right?

And also, can I say, I was born here, so I'm British, thank you.

My mum tries to be, like, you know, "You're Polish, too."

And I'm, like, "I'm British,

"I'm British! Get out of our country."

LAUGHTER

And she came over with my dad, right?

And they got married, she had all us kids,

and my dad started becoming very horrible towards my mum

in every sense of the word

and became very abusive in the marriage, right?

And he treated her in a way that you shouldn't treat somebody,

very disrespectful, and my mum got away from my dad when I was about,

maybe seven years old,

and ever since then, my dad's not really been around that much.

Hmm! Can you tell?

I love that joke. I say joke, it's my life. Anyway...

And in those days, to go back to Poland, it was a really religious Catholic country,

so to go back to Poland with a failed marriage,

she would have been blamed. It wouldn't have been,

"Well done for getting away, let's support you."

It would have been, "Why didn't you put up, shut up and be a better wife?"

So, she decided to stay in England and make it work.

IMITATES MOTHER: The land of dreams and Marks & Spencer.

So excited. So she stayed.

What she did to integrate herself in the community, because she was, like,

"I've got to survive", she learned the language,

cos she wanted to talk with other people.

She wanted to talk in the same accent.

So she used to listen to a lot of BBC News, right?

And those were the days when they didn't have the beautiful accents

that we have now from all over the place.

So she learnt to speak English like this,

POSH ACCENT: Now she talks like this, but always gets it completely wrong,

so you can still tell she's a massive immigrant.

So, my favourite bit of English she ever got wrong was,

"Luisa, I've noticed you've been going through lots of toilet roll recently.

"When you go, how many slices do you use?"

"Go away, shut the door!"

"I have seen it all before."

"Not recently, you haven't."

I was going to say, "There's hair there now, where there didn't used to be,

"but actually there isn't, so it's fine."

And my mum was really there for me at a time when I got really depressed.

Now, brace yourself, we are about to talk about depression,

it's going to get sexy, crunk, crunk.

People don't like talking about depression,

cos it's not a sexy subject.

Our physical health, you'll happily share and talk about,

you will share it in all your social media sites

about how you're feeling physically.

But our mental health,

we're not in as much of a hurry to share,

and I think that's such a shame that we don't put as much significance

on our mental health cos it's just as fucking valuable.

Very often, the two are related. If you are not feeling physically well,

maybe mentally you need some work,

and mentally you're not feeling well,

maybe physically you need to do something.

Because you'll quite happily go to the gym

and you'll spend anything from £25 a month,

we are in London, come on, £105 a month, right?

Going to the gym to work out

and I wish we had that kind of same investment in our mental health

cos it's just as important. Wouldn't it be cool if there was

a mental health gym, somewhere that was encouraged and cool to go to, babe?

Somewhere that you could be there, and you could be, like,

"Hey, Barry, good to see you, yeah,

"I'm just working on my ex-boyfriend issues, that's right.

"Just working it on my ex-boyfriend issues.

"Thank you. Thank you.

"If you like that, well,

"when I'm nice and strong, I'm going to try and tackle my daddy ones.

"Not strong enough yet for the daddy ones, OK."

"Just keep working on ex-boyfriend, because you don't want to hurt yourself.

"Are the two related?"

"They couldn't possibly be.

"No relation here."

If you think about mental health, sometimes maybe it's not your fault.

Maybe if we're feeling really shit about ourselves,

maybe it's actually not technically our fault,

maybe there's something more going on.

Maybe it's genetics. There is the whole nature/nurture debate.

Maybe, fucking, you were born with it.

It's like, "Hey, what did you get from your mama?"

"I got my big, beautiful brown eyes."

"What did you get from your mama?"

"I got bipolar."

And depression is so common. There's so many of us that suffer with it.

I think there's two types of depression,

I think there's the first type where you literally cannot get out of bed

or face the day cos it's easier to fall asleep than try and deal

with what your head is doing to yourself, cos it's so exhausting,

feeling so invaluable and so shit about yourself constantly.

And maybe when you see a train going past, you think,

"Fuck it, I'll jump," not because you want to kill yourself,

or you want to hurt people around you,

but because it's so fucking exhausting

feeling this shit about yourself in your own head, constantly,

you just want some relief and some respite for a bit, right?

And the second type of depression,

which is the one that I think's a bit more popular,

"I'll take two, please, thank you."

And that's the one where I get every now and then,

where you'll wake up in the morning and you'll be, like,

"Well, I mean, I hate my life, but fuck it,

"I'll still make a sandwich."

SHE IMITATES CHEWING

And if you look at the nature-nurture debate, maybe it's our environment growing up,

maybe our environment affected how we deal with things,

how capable we are of dealing with things,

that's why I think mental health

is so important to be educated in schools from a young age,

so we've got the tools to be able to support ourselves.

So when shit does hit the fan,

we're empowered enough to be able to deal with it, right?

Because I've got loads of qualities, being a middle child,

for example, that I share with other middle children.

That's nothing from genetics, that's just my environment.

For example, let's have a little experiment.

Give me a cheer if you're a middle child, who's a middle child?

CHEERING

You see, you guys, very diplomatic, great communicators, see,

very sociable. Very diplomatic. That's one of our key skills.

When the shit hits the fan, you want a middle child on board.

Do you know why we're so good at handling a drama, or a fight kicking off?

Cos we're so used to being, like, "Babe, what did you do?

"Come on now, give it back, guys, let's be friends, right?"

We're so used to it. We're also very attractive and fabulous in bed, so.

That's the middle child.

Eldest, give me a cheer if you're the eldest.

CHEERING

See, natural leaders, natural fucking leaders, right?

People often come to you for advice.

Do you know why they come to you first?

Because you're the first lot to fuck it up in the family.

That's why they come to you, babe. that's why they come to you.

And then, of course, you've finally got the youngest,

give me a cheer if you're the youngest.

CHEERING

"Look at me, look at me!"

SO needy, aren't they?

And I'm not even going to do the only child,

cos you lot have had enough attention all your lives, OK?

Only children.

Only children, you've got no idea how easy you've had it.

Now, my little brother's the youngest in my family, right?

And he was always complaining that he was depressed.

And I was, like, shut up, you're a twat. I think it really...

I think it really helped.

And Christmas, not long ago, we had a really shit Christmas,

we had a horrible Christmas, right?

Christmas not long ago.

My little brother took an overdose, and he tried to kill himself.

Now, has anybody here ever tried to kill themselves before?

Right, ladies?

Hashtag awkward. OK.

LAUGHTER

I'll tell you what happened, right.

Christmas Day is his birthday, right,

so it's Polish tradition that we celebrate Christmas Eve

more than Christmas Day. My mum carries on the tradition here.

And also, because it's his birthday on Christmas Day,

we like to more, like, separate the two.

So on Christmas Eve, what you do is you don't eat all day.

You're not allowed any food all day.

And then when the first star comes out, you sit down,

you lay out all the food, and you start eating,

but you're not allowed any meat all day. You're quite hungry.

Like, I go around the rest of the day and I'm like, "Mum, but I'm starving!"

She's like, "You're hardly starving." I'm like, thank you.

So we all sit around the table, right,

and no matter how many people are around the table,

you've got to set a place for Jesus.

Just in case Jesus drops by.

Cos you'd sure hate it if the one year you're like,

"Mum, I'm a bit squashed, I'm just going to sit in Jesus' chair."

All of a sudden, ding dong!

"Oh. Jesus!"

"What? There's no chair?

"Oh, I'm going next door."

"No, Jesus!"

Right.

So we saved a place for Jesus, right.

We're all sat at the table, "Oh, is Jesus coming round?

"I hope Jesus comes round. Oh, Mum, where's Jesus?

"Oh. Is that the doorbell or the wind? Oh, where's Jesus?"

And my mum's always like, "Luisa, stop mocking Jesus."

I'm like, "Who's mocking Him? Hello. Apparently He's always here,

"I don't know why I have to save Him a seat, but, you know."

She's like, "Luisa, stop being so rude about Jesus."

I'm like, "Hello, who's being rude? He's not eating His fish."

Sorry.

So we had the dinner, right, and it was really nice.

Then, everyone just did their own thing.

And it got to midnight,

and I ran up to my brother's room to sing Happy Birthday to him.

Cos what guy doesn't like Happy Birthday being sung to him

by his older sister? Hello, right?

So I ran in, and in his room, he was kind of hanging off the bed, right.

He was hanging off the bed and his arm and leg were all off,

and he was all out of it. And...

..his eyes were, like, rolled to the back of his head.

And he didn't look well. And it was clear that he'd taken an overdose.

Took an overdose of pills, right.

And we rushed him into A&E, and in A&E,

they put him in a separate room.

They didn't put him out in the main ward with everyone else.

They kind of had him hidden from everybody, right.

I'm there with him, and it's a really stressful time, right.

Cos you feel really like you don't know what to do in the situation.

And my mum is distraught.

She's devastated. So she's, like, outside,

like, cleaning the car, or whatever she's doing.

Apparently, it helps.

So it's just me sat in the room with him.

And I remember feeling so embarrassed.

And I know that's not a nice thing to admit to,

but I remember feeling so embarrassed and so ashamed,

cos I've got a good family, right?

I've got a really good family.

Somebody trying to kill themselves doesn't happen in my family.

But here I am, and he's just tried to do it.

And I'm sat there with him, right, and I didn't know what to do,

cos nobody tells you what to do in that situation.

The nurse came in, and I was so relieved, cos I thought,

"Well, at least he'll get the professional help that he needs now.

"At least he'll get professional help now,

"so maybe this is, like, a silver lining."

Because he was complaining of depression for a long time.

And none of us ever took him seriously.

Because every time he'd say that he was depressed,

I would always be like, "Oh, that's because nobody likes you."

LAUGHTER

Yeah.

"Hey, you know when I'm feeling like,

"'Oh, I'm really depressed, I hate myself,'

"it usually just means that I'm hungry, so..."

"Would you like a sandwich?"

That was how much I tried to help him, right.

So I was so relieved when the nurse came in.

And she goes, "Hi, there, Miss Omelonelon."

It's Omielan. It's very simple.

"Sorry. Unfortunately, your brother's not scored enough points

"to see a doctor or a psychiatrist at this time."

Sorry, not enough points?

"No, he hasn't. Because you're here with him,

"you go down as his primary carer,

"so what we're going to do is we're going to monitor him,

"and then we're going to send him home with you.

"And then you can look after him and bring him back to see a doctor

"in six to eight weeks' time, all right?"

No, you can't have me as the primary carer.

I fucking got him here in the first place. Don't put him with me.

"No, it's just the way it works.

"He hasn't scored enough points, I'm sorry.

"So we're just going to make sure he's stable.

"Once we're sure he's stable, we'll send him back with you, OK?"

OK. So he can't see the doctor for, like, five minutes

just for a little chat? No?

"No. Sorry."

Oh, OK. Sure.

Did you hear that, mate?

You didn't get enough points.

So you're going to have to do something more crazy!

LAUGHTER

And I remember feeling really embarrassed and really ashamed

and really desperate.

I was so desperate for someone to take care of that situation.

So I rang my dad. I don't speak to him very often,

but I didn't know who else to call, right.

So I ring my dad and I go, "Hi, Dad, it's Luisa."

"Who?" "Luisa, your daughter."

"Oh. Hi."

"Listen, it's about your son.

"I'm in A&E with him and...

"..he's all right, he's stable, but I just need to tell you

"that he's taken an overdose, and he's tried to kill himself.

"I didn't know who else to call so I'm calling you.

"I'm sorry to ring you up. I'm sorry to bother you.

"I just didn't know who to..."

"Luisa, listen to me, Luisa, listen to me.

"Thank you for calling me. Here's what I want you to do.

"Why don't you get him to give me a call when he gets out?"

"Thank you, Daddy.

"Merry Christmas."

You sure are making those issues lighter by the day, Daddy.

Lighter by the day.

And I remember feeling not very...

..Beyonce.

Not Beyonce at all.

And it's not a nice, strong, independent woman thing to admit to,

but I remember feeling so desperate

for a man to come in and be like, "I got this.

"I'm going to take care of you and your family,"

and there wasn't that figure.

Because all I can see is my family falling apart in front of me,

and I'm sat next to him, and I don't know what to say to him.

I'm not in a position to say, "You're going to be fine,

"everything's going to be OK. I'm going to take care of you."

Because everything's not OK.

Because it's because he's been with me that he's here.

So you tell me, what do I say to him now?

To make sure that tomorrow,

for the 20 seconds that I'm not watching him like a hawk,

that he doesn't try to do it again.

But tomorrow, he'll succeed,

so you tell me what the fuck do I say to him now

to make him not feel the need to do that again?

And nobody tells you what to say.

I remember looking at him and feeling like,

"You are so loved.

"You could not be more loved.

"You have no idea how very, very loved you are.

"Please, don't ever feel the need to do this again.

"If you ever feel like this again, you come and talk to me,

"cos I'm your sister, I've got your back, you come and ask me, OK?"

And I'll always remember it.

Cos as the clock hit 5AM, and he stirs,

and he goes, "Luisa, I'm just so tired."

I'll never forget what I said to him.

Cos I turned to him and I went...

"YOU'RE tired?!"

LAUGHTER

"You're bloody tired?! It's 5AM,

"you dickwad, you've been asleep for 4.5 hours!

"I've been awake!

"12? Who takes 12?!

"Do some permanent damage, you should have taken 20!

"Jesus, you can't even do that properly.

"Here's an idea, next time you fancy having a go at killing yourself,

"next time you want to have a go at killing yourself,

"do us all a favour and come and ask me how."

LAUGHTER

"Oh, my God.

"See what I mean?

"You don't love me.

"Nobody loves me.

"None of you love me.

"Nobody loves me."

"Nobody loves you?

"Nobody loves you?

"I broke your shit up with a stick!"

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Can I just borrow you for a second?

Is that all right? Thank you.

Can I borrow you for a second?

Can I borrow you for a second? Hi. Do you want to just come around?

Give these girls a round of applause.

APPLAUSE

Hello. Thank you for coming. Hi.

-Hi, what are your names?

-Delia.

Delia. Hello, Delia.

Hi, guys.

Thank you so much. I just, that was a really sad bit

and I just feel like I need some... You know, cos it's a really sad bit.

Thank you. Thank you.

Just... Thank you so much for being so supportive of me here.

If you could just stand here for me. Just thank you so much.

Just stand there. Thank you so much. Just thank you so much.

Thank you so much.

Thank you so much. Just thank you for being here for me.

I just... I just really thank you.

That's really... Thank you so much.

Give me a cheer if you're single!

CHEERING

We're happy, aren't we? We're happy.

Give me a cheer if you are in love!

CHEERING

Go fuck yourselves!

# All the single ladies

# All the single ladies

# All the single ladies

# All the single ladies

# All the single ladies

# All the single ladies

# All the single ladies

# Now put your hands up

# Up in the club

# Just broke up

# I'm doing my own little thing

# You decided to dip

# And now you wanna trip

# Cos another brother noticed me

# I'm up on him

# He up on me

# Don't pay him any attention

# Cos I cried my tears

# For three good years

# You can't be mad at me

# Cos if you liked it, then you should have put a ring on it

# If you liked it then you should have put a ring on it

# Don't be mad once you see that he want it

# If you liked it, then you should have put a ring on it

# Oh, oh, oh

# Oh, oh, oh, oh

# Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh

# Oh, oh, oh

# Oh, oh, oh, oh,

# Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh

# Cos if you liked it, then you should have put a ring on it

# If you liked it, then you should have put a ring on it

# Don't be mad once you see that he want it

# If you liked it, then you should have put a ring on it... #

Kelly and Michelle, ladies and gentlemen!

APPLAUSE

Come on, take a bow!

The one that should have put a ring on it was Irish.

He had a really sexy accent.

He could say anything and it would make me really horny.

He'd be like...

IRISH ACCENT: "I fuckin kill babies." Ah!

Say it again, say it again!

Now, did you know that cows have accents,

depending on the region that they're from? This is a fact.

If you get this in a quiz, it's true. For example, like,

an English cow is, like, English. Moo.

Standard, right?

The Scottish cow would be, like, Scottish.

SCOTTISH ACCENT: Moo.

An Irish cow would be, like, Irish.

IRISH ACCENT: Moo.

I know it's a cow, but I still would.

Like, oh, them titties! It's amazing.

And a Welsh cow is like...

WELSH ACCENT: Hello, I'm from Wales, very friendly, moo, moo.

However, this works in any country and any dialect.

So shout out some countries. We'll do some cows.

AUDIENCE SHOUTS

-Where? Go on. AUDIENCE MEMBER:

-Australia!

-Australia, oh, wow, OK, hang on. AUDIENCE MEMBER:

-America!

-Where?

-Jamaica!

-Canada!

-Jamaica, Australia...

-Poland!

-Poland. Poland is easy.

SHE SPEAKS POLISH Moo, moo, moo.

Australian?

Australian is like, Australian,

AUSTRALIAN ACCENT: Oh, hi, hey, doll, how's it going?

Welcome to the coffee shop, oh, yeah, just sit down.

You're here.

I'm sorry, darling, oh, were you expecting good customer service?

LAUGHTER

No, we're just being relaxed,

so we'll just bring it to you when we feel like it.

Moo. Moo.

APPLAUSE

American?

The only American one I can do is, like, a New York Jew.

Where it's like...

NEW YORK ACCENT: Hello, can I get a coffee to go?

Hello? Moo, moo.

Only one I can do.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

And what did you say? Jamaican?

Yeah, thanks, Jamaica, thanks, OK, cool.

Give the white girl Jamaica. I see what you're doing, there.

I mean, give the olive girl Jamaican. Let's keep it real.

OK, I'm going to do a Jamaican, a Jamaican cow.

Luckily for you lot, I've done black before.

Am I right? Am I right? Am I right? Am I right?

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

OK, Jamaican, oh, yeah.

The thing about doing a Jamaican cow,

you do a Jamaican cow, you can't stand still.

Cos you have to start gyrating.

JAMAICAN ACCENT: Yes. Yes.

Cos you know when you're in the club dem,

and the man dem come up behind you, and he hold you proper close.

He hold you proper close.

OWN ACCENT: You're like, "Um, this is my personal space.

"That's your personal..."

JAMAICAN ACCENT: There be no personal space.

"Oh, I can feel your willy against me!

"This is very, very sexual."

It's not sexual at all, it's how we dance in me culture.

How we dance in me culture!

"Oh, my God. Your willy's inside me now!"

"I'm pregnant, I'm definitely pregnant!"

Let me give you a Jamaican cow.

Moo.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

So, Luisa, you still haven't told us,

why did you and your ex-boyfriend break-up?

OK. I will.

Reluctantly.

LAUGHTER

We were best friends for a couple of years, right,

and I was totally Crazy in Love with him.

Then we dated for about a year,

then after that, it was off and on for another year.

Off and on, off and on, off and on.

You know the kind of relationship that just won't die?

I thoroughly recommend,

if you have some self-esteem that you would like to get rid of,

engage in one of those bad boys, and woo!

Watch it go. Watch it go.

And he was the one that wasn't sure.

I was always sure. And he'd always be like,

IRISH ACCENT: "Luisa, I love ye. Like, I proper love ye.

"Like, do you know that? Like, I love ye.

"I'm just not ready for, like, a relationship.

"But I love ye, Luisa.

"I just can't give you what you want, but I love ye.

"No, but I love ye.

"But, no, but I do love ye.

"I don't know why you're crying.

"I think I've made it very clear.

"Like...

"Like, come on, now.

"Look, at least I'm being honest, you know.

"Like, I love ye.

"But, no, but I love ye, so...

"It's up to you to decide.

"So.. Yeah.

"Cos you know what?

"Do you know what, Luisa? I'm going to marry you.

"Fuck it, I won't. I don't know why I said that.

"Sorry. Sorry."

And I was like, "Oh, OK, sure, babe, whatever you want.

"No problem. Yeah."

And all my friends would be like,

"Babe, what are you doing with this fool?

"Like, he's clearly not in love with you. You need to let go."

And I'd be like, "Oh, my God, you are so jealous. What is your problem?

"Look, he just doesn't like calling it a relationship.

"You don't understand guys. That's your problem, you don't understand, like, men.

"Like, hello, like, it's Shakespeare! A rose by any other name, like,

"That's what it is, a relationship, just cos I don't call it that,

"doesn't mean it's not a relationship, does it?

"He just doesn't like calling it that. That's just how guys are.

"They just don't like calling it things like that, OK?

"But it is one, because he calls me first thing in the morning,

"last thing at night. When we make love, he looks me in the eyes,

"and he's like, 'I proper fucking love you.'

"Why would he do that, unless he didn't, OK?

"Cos we walk down the streets, and he holds my hand.

"So if that's not love, babe, I don't know what it is.

"He just doesn't like calling it a relationship.

"That's all it is, OK? And besides of which..."

# I was cool with no commitment

# Wait, let me take that back

# It was you so I went with it. #

Destiny...no? OK.

I see that you all did your homework

when you came to a show called What Would Beyonce Do?

And it got to the point where he walked me to the train station.

He cups my face at the train station, he's like,

"Luisa, I'm really sorry, Badger, but I can't do this any more.

"Like, it's over, Badger." He used to call me Badger.

That was, like, his nickname for me.

Like, "Oh, you're my badger. You're my badger.

"You're my badgerella." I know, right? I was like, oh!

One time, I went to Topshop and found a T-shirt

with a picture of a badger on it.

So I bought it and I'd wear it,

and I'd be like, "Oh, I'm your badger."

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

He's cupping my face at the train station.

He's like, "I love you, badger, like, you know that?

"Like, it's a great T-shirt. I love you.

"It's just, it's got to end now.

"I'm just not ready, but I love you, Badger.

"I really love you.

"And, Luisa, you need to listen to me. Even though it's over now,

"I want you to know that I hope that life treats you kind.

"OK?

"And I hope that you have everything that you've ever dreamed of.

"OK?

"And I wish you joy.

"And happiness.

"But above all of this...

"..I wish you love.

"But, no, so, sorry."

And I was like, "OK, sure, baby.

"Cool. OK. Well, call me next week when you love me again.

"Bye. I'll just get on my train to denial.

"Choo-choo."

And I didn't hear from him again. I was like, oh, that's weird.

He's not contacted me for like a week, two weeks, three weeks.

Why has he not contacted me?

That's weird, normally he'd call me by now to get it back on again.

Like, why is he not calling me?

And the reason he didn't call me is cos he met somebody else.

And he started a relationship with somebody else.

And I remember at the time feeling so flawed,

because I thought that you weren't ready.

And people say, "Don't take it personally."

How do you not take it personally?

It's not that you didn't want a relationship,

you just didn't want a relationship with me.

And at the time, that left me feeling

so insignificant and worthless.

Like my love for him meant nothing.

Like his love for me meant nothing.

Because we were both holding on.

But then you let go to grab another branch,