Starz

This is... This is where the jobs come rolling in at the moment.

Well... Hobbling in! HE LAUGHS

But...

You know, it's all going OK.

Are you coming up here?

Come on. I'll show you my office.

Sorry, it's a bit of a building site in here.

One of my actors is working up here and he got electrocuted.

But, I mean, he's fine now, so he is.

He nearly died that day, but he's OK.

So I'll take you through to my wee office.

This is an extension that I'm having done to my office, you know,

when I expand my business.

So...

You know, expansion, expansion, expansion.

Starz. This is it.

HE FLICKS SWITCH REPEATEDLY

God's sake, I'm sorry, lads, the electricity's gone out. Er...

Just a wee second. I'll get a candle here.

And I'm just going to go back out now

and I'm just going to get Paddy

to switch back on the electricity,

because we have a little bit of a deal

going because we're in business together.

And Paddy switches on the electricity, legally or illegally,

I don't give a shit. Paddy!

Will you switch on the electricity in there, please?

Hey?

Good man.

I used to be an actor myself, you see, so...

It wasn't working out, to say the least.

I mean, I was being offered work, you know,

but it wasn't exciting work for me, you know?

I mean, see, er...

I was a runner-up to Sean Connery to get the Bond role in the Bond movie,

you know, and I was literally being considered,

very, very, very heavily, like,

by the casting directors over in London and everything like that,

for the James Bond movies, you know.

But...it didn't work out.

So I decided to become an agent instead.

I manage the theatre.

At first light, I'm in here, you know, half nine,

9:45 at the latest, you know.

And I'm taking calls by about 11:30.

Lunch at 12.

Probably go... Normally have a business meeting lunch, you know,

so I'll meet people and we'll probably go down to the John Hewitt,

and we'll have one of their lovely hotpots, and...

..a few old scoops,

and loosen up the creative valves and we'll make some notes.

And then, um,

maybe, go and, you know, see what's on at the Black Box.

I'd probably be the only actor from around these parts.

I think there's like a kind of a stigma attached to it.

I mean, you will still get slegged, like.

Watch yourselves, a wee skip there.

Robert dirty dick!

You know, you'll get slegged.

Quite badly slegged all your life.

But it's worth it. You get a family, you find a job,

get a couple of good breaks and, you know,

have enough money to buy a house and find a nice wee girl,

a lovely wee girl, and give her kids,

all that normal stuff that people do.

I was a very good actor, you know?

I've played Hamlet here.

And I got a review of my performance which said that I was the greatest

Hamlet ever seen in 40 generations of Hamlets, you know?

In this island and in our neighbouring islands, you know?

HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

But, anyway, look, you know,

the fact of the matter is that I spoke the lines far too quickly.

"To be, or not to be, that is the question

"Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer

"The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune,"

and everybody said they couldn't hear me,

I spoke the lines too fast,

so I'm just basically a very quick thinker, you know, so...

I'm a fan of Dan. I'm a big fan of Dan.

You know, Dan's been around and he's had his ups

and he's had his downs, but Dan's a fighter.

And...you know...

He's a tiger for his clients.

I'm good at making deals,

negotiating contracts, negotiating repeats,

negotiating this, negotiating that, you know, getting a contract right.

Cos I've got a bit of a legal mind as well as everything else,

you see. And, erm...

So, basically what I do now is,

I hunt down people like a bloodhound,

until they give one of my clients a job.

In fact, I pester them and pester them and pester them until

they're broken, mentally, physically and spiritually destroyed.

I harass them. I harangue them.

I make their lives miserable until finally, they say,

"Yes, we're going to give this kid a break".

And that's what they do.

Dan is a really good agent.

Not in terms of, like, how many jobs

he gets you and whatever, because, erm...

..he hasn't got me one yet.

Ring people up again and again and again and again till eventually,

they get worn down and they HAVE to give the actors a job.

And that's how they get jobs.

Because of me.

People say, "It's not a real job.

"Do you even earn any money from it?"

I don't earn any money from it, but they'll always ask you that.

Um... And it is a real job, you know,

I'm a professionally trained actor.

I've received world-class training, world-class.

Where did you train? Ballymena.

There.

Busy, busy. HE LAUGHS

That's me. Busy, busy.

Michelle Delargy's School Of The Gifted.

It's not on any sort of, you know,

major lists of, you know, highfalutin drama schools

around the world, like, you know...

New York, or Drada, or any, any of the ones in London.

But it's pretty darn good.

It's quite boutique. It's off the radar, you know what I mean?

If everybody knew about it, there'd be Yanks flying in

from all corners of the globe.

There'd be no room for bloody man or beast in the place.

And I got in, so that's the level that we're talking about here.

How many actors are on your books?

DAN EXHALES

Well, I used to have about 350, maybe 400,

I'm not sure, I don't remember.

Let's see... But it was too many, you know?

No, but, erm... So....

Yeah, 400, you know, 400...

It's not far off it, really.

I think he was, he was...

He was signing up nearly every other man.

Dan would go out to get a loaf

and he would come back and have 16-odd more clients.

Downsizing was the way to go, because I'm a businessman

and I know exactly...

Keep it simple, keep it small, keep it, you know,

represent a few people very well

rather than have a whole lot of people on your books

that you don't really represent that well.

That was a business decision on my part, you know?

That's what spurred me on. That and the industrial tribunal. HE LAUGHS

The tribunal found against him in the past,

and he had his licence taken away and couldn't perform as an agent

for a while, and that was devastating to Dan, you know?

Being an agent's his world.

They're his people. It's his...

It's breathing. It's putting his shoes and socks on in the morning.

His agency are his shoes and if you take his shoes off him,

he couldn't leave the house. Bless him, you know?

Um... And during that time, some of his acts got cold feet,

if you'll pardon the pun. And they left him.

I mean, I wouldn't go so far as to say it was an industrial tribunal.

It was more, more, like, er, you know...

HE LAUGHS

You know, maybe... OK, it was a fully blown industrial tribunal.

That's what it was.

That's the truth, Marie, it was, definitely, you know?

One stupid mistake concerning bank account numbers

and you're hung out to dry like Jesus on the cross.

HE LAUGHS

No, nobody specified exactly why this tribunal was taking place.

What happens then is that people make their own assumptions,

don't they? Because it's quite a...

..close community, the acting world.

You know, and we're always very concerned for each other.

For concerned, read "nosy". HE CHUCKLES

And gossipy.

You know, and backbiting.

It's just cheap. It's just cheap.

And I hold no grind with him whatsoever.

You know, it will not happen in this house.

We're straight talkers.

What I have heard is that, like, he wasn't paying his acts, he, erm...

..if he was paying, he wasn't paying them the right money.

The money was staying in his account for far too long.

Um... He hadn't paid his tax.

He owed his ex-wife a lot of money.

Um... He was drinking and drug-taking, those sort of things.

Ah, there yous are.

This is where I go in to buy me odd bottle of wine,

every now and then, you know? Just every now and then.

Sarah, my beautiful Sarah.

Hiya, how are you?

I'm in great form, love. How are you getting on yourself?

How's work? Ah, sure, everything's great, love,

I'm earning loads of money. Oh, brilliant.

Aye, absolutely. Just the one tonight? Yeah, yeah.

And a wee bottle of whisky, please.

No, no, no, the one in the middle.

Oh. Lovely, lovely, that's it. That's it, dear. There you go.

That's ?30 then, please.

That's it, there you go. Thank you.

Keep the change, sweetheart.

Oh, thanks very much. Have a nice weekend.

Good night, now. Yeah, yeah, all the best.

You can always spot them at the starting blocks, you know?

Where the talent comes from, I don't know.

You don't know. I don't know.

They don't know of it.

Don't know.

I mean, I met this young one called Naomi recently.

And I just know.

She's a star. I don't know why, but she is.

She doesn't know why, she is completely unaware.

Where does that come from? Nobody knows.

I don't know. You don't know.

Nobody in this room knows, I bet you.

But you can spot it. You know it when you see it.

No, no, I wouldn't call myself an actress, not just yet.

I just got approached by this big man in a trench coat and he asked me

did I want to be famous.

And what did you say to that?

I squealed in his face. He scared me.

So I went into the chippy, bought him a battered sausage,

cos the girl threw him out.

So I felt sorry for him.

But that's how we first met.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry to have yous running.

I can't be late for these people.

I've messed them around enough as it is, you know, so...

HE PANTS

Oh, God! Oh!

HE LAUGHS

Welcome. Welcome. Welcome.

Welcome to my life!

HE LAUGHS

Oh. Oh.

Look. Look.

This is hopeless. I won't make it.

HE BREATHES HEAVILY

Yous wouldn't have any, erm...

Yous wouldn't have any loose change on yous for a taxi, would yous?

Er... I... I just have chequebooks on me and credit cards.

That's all I have, and you can't pay a taxi

with a chequebook or a credit card, can you?

So...

Look, I can't be late for these people. I can't.

Jesus, I'm on my last legs with his theatre company,

I can tell you that, you know? But I have a good feeling

about this production. I really do. Dr Dolittle.

It's a big production.

You know, there's going to be a lot of people cast,

so maybe one of his boys or girls might make it.

You never know, maybe even as a background artist,

something like that.

Maybe one or two or three or four of them will get a job. You never know. TAXI HORN BEEPS

I mean, let's hope so, because it's 550 pound sterling a week.

That's 55 pound sterling for me, 10%, that's my commission.

That's all I charge. I never talk about money,

I never talk about percentages, not to them, not to anybody else,

I never open my mouth about it.

So you should cut this out of the film.

He phones me every couple of days.

But most of the time, now, he'd phone me

every couple of hours just to see how I am.

But every couple of days, I ask him for a wee audition.

But I don't know if I could do it. I think I'd be scundered.

See, if someone asks me to sing or dance in front of them,

I would hit a reddener. I swear.

GUTTURAL INTONATION: Muchas gracias.

Keep the change.

Don't worry.

What goes around, comes around.

And don't forget this. I always pay my debts.

And now, watch the master at work.

Yeah, but she's got a squint in her eye.

Relax. I'm here.

And I brought the talent.

In my opinion,

these four beauties would be the perfect kids

for the leads in your panto.

Dan, we don't think it would be wise

to audition Christopher again this year.

That was a lot of money and a of time

was taken up, um... with Christopher.

And Christopher is one of the most extraordinary talents in this city.

If not this island. If not the world.

Dan has a lot of confidence in Christopher.

He sees him as the Daniel Day Lewis of Belfast, you know,

cos he's so method.

I don't really see him as being method,

I see him as a wee lad who's got a wont about him, actually.

I think he's got a few slates loose.

You know, it's art we are trying to create here.

It's not absolute muck.

Who, who pays for this?

Is it me or is it you guys?

How does that...work?

Er, you. I would, I would pay?

Could I get a water just, please, yep? Thank you very much.

The water here is really very good.

HE EXHALES

PA SYSTEM CHIMES

'The next train to arrive here, in five minutes, does not stop here.

'The next train to arrive here that stops here is in 55 minutes.

'That'll be the second train.'

You know, I've managed to persuade them to see three of my actors.

Three out of 12 is not bad.

So, which three are they going to see?

Um, Naomi, Christopher and Robert.

And what's the next stage?

The auditions. That's the next stage.

That's the tough part.

Oh, listen, er...

There wouldn't be any chance of a wee cigarette, would you?

Well, there's a shop here if you want to stop.

No, that shop doesn't sell cigarettes, I know that for a fact.

Ah, well, sure...

Never mind. Maybe it's about time I gave them up, isn't it?

ANSWERPHONE BEEPS

'Dan, it's Patrick. Call me back.

'It's about the tribunal.'

I used to... I used to have a landline, you know,

but the nature of what I do requires me to be mobile, you know,

I have to move around a lot and stuff like that there.

So it's better to use the mobile rather than the landline I think,

you know, so I had the landline switched off.

It was costing me too much money anyway.

I used to weigh about 22st.

Um... And I don't even think it was that

that stopped me from getting additions,

and it wasn't that that annoyed me, like,

the belly didn't annoy me or the big double chin didn't annoy me.

I had no calves.

Robert De Niro.

HE LAUGHS

You know, make it in the... MOBILE PHONE RINGS

Sorry, that's my phone.

Hello?

Dan, Dandy Dan, what's happening, mate?

So, you do have my number? HE LAUGHS

Yes. OK, a wee addition, brilliant, brilliant.

I mean, I can do about six or seven songs.

Just the one? OK, no worries.

Well, it is, yes, it is good news,

because it's a stage version of Dr Dolittle.

And it's quite song-heavy as well.

So I think there's a good chance of me getting cast, obviously,

with my voice and stuff, so...

um, you know, just show up.

Fail to prepare, prepare to fail.

You know, that's what Dan always says. All right, mate.

Any stuff there?

Any what where? I get paid Monday here, I'll be able to sort you out.

I don't know what you're talking about, mate, you must have...

You must have the wrong person or something!

I mean, you do get them, like, there's headcases

round here, know what I mean? So, just got to be careful.

Um, I don't know. Maybe he's watched one of my plays or something.

Um, you know...

You do get that as an actor, so...

I don't know, maybe he's just got me mistaken for somebody else.

Lordy, I can't wait to get a good gig

and get a house and get the hell out of here. It's, er...

It's the wild woods around here.

I do have dreams to be famous, you know, like everyone else, you know.

I do want to go to Africa too,

and bring home one of them wee skinny babies.

Do something with my life.

Even just to get up and stick something on me in the morning,

do you know what I mean, it's still get-up-and-go, isn't it?

The only thing holding me back, though, is,

like, if I go on with this, like, can I still sign on?

Or will I be doing the double? I don't know.

Ah, Naomi, darling!

Lovely to see you.

Looking absolutely wonderful, isn't she?

HE LAUGHS

Let's go, darling, into the theatre for the audition now.

'The auditioning process for me, um,

'can be as nerve-racking as it is for the actor coming along, you know?

'Because as a manager you see lots of people all the time.

'And what you really want to do is to put them at their ease, because'

if I'm making you feel nervous,

then I'm not going to see your talent.

And I really want to have a good look at your talent.

I don't want people coming in and

just being a bundle of nerves in front of me,

leaving a Parma ham slice of their soul

all over my stripped pine walls, you know?

I don't really want that.

What I want you to do is enjoy yourself.

So, to enjoy yourself, for me to see you really fly, really fly,

what you need to do is just learn your lines,

make a brave decision about your character, be off-book

and don't waste my time.

I put my best foot forward today, but if I get one of those kids cast,

I will be happy! Happy!

Is there a lot of competition?

HE EXHALES

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

There's a lot of talent...out there.

You know?

Just a wee second.

Have yous any money? Have yous any money?

Is that enough?

BOTTLES CLINK

Thanks very much.

Take care.

PIANO PLAYS

DAN: # Once I lived a life of a millionaire

# Spent all my money, I didn't... #

Hello, can you put me through to disputes, please?

Er... That's right, yeah, my name is Daniel Campbell.

Yeah, I'm, I'm calling about my case, which is the n...

Do you want me to give you the number? It's 321/234.

Yeah, that's right, it's in relation to the upcoming tribunal.

Yeah.

# 'Lost all my good friends...' #

OK.

Thanks, yeah, will do.

OK, bye-bye, bye-bye. Thanks very much.

# Gonna hang on to it

# Till that eagle grins again

# Nobody knows you when you're down and out

# In your pocket you ain't got a penny

# As for friends you don't have any

# Lay your hands on a dollar again

# Gonna hang on to it

# Till that eagle grins again. #

HE SIGHS

HE TITTERS

That's what you want to know about, isn't it? You know, the industrial tribunal.

Everybody wants to know about that.

Well, not everybody, most people don't give a shite to be honest,

know what I'm saying? But, I mean...

OK, well, look, I'm not sure. I'm looking back on it now

and I can't be sure what happened at all, you know,

it was just financial mayhem at the time in my life.

I didn't know what was going on.

I had bank accounts here, there and everywhere.

And a post office account, an account in Dundalk,

an account in Dublin, so I did. An account up in Donegal,

different banks and building societies and stuff like that there.

I was taking money out of one to pay off a debt in the other, you know,

I had six credit cards as well, you know, at the time, so...

An MBNA card with a credit limit of 14,000 euros on it

and stuff like that there, which I had across the border.

So, like, I mean,

totally and completely, it was just financial chaos.

You know, I'm not a bad guy.

I'm not a bad...businessman either.

Well, I am a bad businessman, that's...

I have to be honest about it. I'm not the best businessman.

I'm not. I'm much more an artistic person

than I would be a businessperson, you know?

That's just me, so, anyway.

Does that answer your question?

I'm skint.

I'm skint.

I haven't a bean.

I haven't a penny to my name now.

I'm totally broke.

I'm flat broke.

I don't know what I'm going to do now.

Jump off a bridge or something, I don't know.

No, I won't jump off a bridge, I'm too resilient and strong for that.

But I'm totally and completely and utterly broke.

Like, my combined debts are equal to the value

of Queen's University buildings,

if they were put on the market tomorrow.

That's how much money I owe.

You know, I've been working for 14 years as an agent.

I have busted...my...balls for my...

..kids in order to get them work as paid, paid work as actors.

That's what I've done for 20 years of my life.

And I intend to keep going on busting my balls for my kids.

That's what I'm going to do.

Nobody will ever stop me from being an agent.

And if they try and revoke my license,

I'll personally start a revolution against the state.

And then they'll have a very serious incident on their hands.

PHONE RINGS

Just hang on, there's me phone ringing now. Just a second, mate.

Hello?

That's right, yeah.

What?

All three of them?

OK.

That's great news, no.

Och, thanks very much indeed, brilliant.

That's absolutely brilliant.

No, just fax me through the, er...

the contracts, if you don't mind, please.

Great.

OK. Talk to you later. Bye-bye. Bye-bye.

SILENCE

HE STAMPS HIS FEET EXCITEDLY

Yeah, they are not main roles, it's not Dolittle, but...

That's been cast for an older actor actually.

But they've done well. They've got seizable roles.

They're sizeable roles, and they're seizable, you know?

So hopefully this'll be the start of something big for them.

LAUGHTER

Listen, I just want to say, firstly,

that I want to thank you all for sticking with me,

and sticking with my agency through thick and thin.

I know it's taken a bit of time for the agency

to get back on its feet, but finally it has.

And it's because of you that we've managed to keep this agency going.

And it's because of you, and how talented you are, that you have all,

all three of you, been cast in this year's Christmas show.

No way. Are you serious?

Yes.

DAN LAUGHS

Congratulations, you!

It looks unprofessional on you and you.

Yous are the ones that are going to take the brunt of it. Me?

I'm the one that has to bloody fix things as always.

That man's going to give me a stomach ulcer again.

How do you get off this balcony?

MOBILE PHONE RINGS

Just hang on a second, here's my phone. Just hang on.

I'll have to take this outside. Too much noise in here.

Hello? Can you believe it?

Hello? I'm very excited.

You should be.

Oh, my God.

'Hi, Dan, it's Patrick.

'Listen...

'I've received the tribunal's decision.

'They've revoked your licence.

'Look, I know this is the last thing you need right now, but...

'Look, I've just got to go.

'Enjoy your night.'

PATRICK LAUGHS AWKWARDLY

It's a complete cock-up, this, you know.

A complete...cock-up!

I'm not a happy bunny.

Cos this is going to take, like, ages.

Going to have to re-audition again.

Have to put...adverts in the paper.

I'm not putting any adverts in the paper.

Damn sure.

This isn't my cock-up.

How did you dry it? A hairdryer or a tumble dryer.

Like, a hairdryer or a tumble dryer. Isn't that funny?

So... It's not really a joke, it's more of a...

No, definitely, yeah, it's definitely not.

What's wrong, Dan, is everything OK?

All good, all good, all good.

Excuse me, can I order another drink, please?

Um...

I'd like a large gin and tonic, please.

A Harvey Wallbanger. With no ice.

A long, slow, comfortable screw against the wall.

Pint of Smithwick's.

Pint of Heineken.

And a Southern Comfort with no ice.

A bottle of wine for the table as well, please.

PIANO PLAYS

CARD MACHINE BLEEPS

Thank you.

Sorry, sir, that's been rejected again. Oh!

Will I go for a third time, or...? No, no, listen,

I'll go out to the hole in the wall.

That's what I'll do. I'll get money out of there, cos...you know.

With the same card?

Well, I've got... Well, don't worry about that.

I'll just put this card away, sir.

And, er, sure, I'll be back in, er...

..in a wee while,

and we'll get it all sorted out, no problem.

No problem.

Thanks for a lovely evening.

CHAIRS CLATTER

Marvellous.

Unforgettable. Stunning.

And poignant.

Erm, I'll be back in, like, two minutes.

# Once I lived a live of a millionaire

# Spent all my money, didn't care

# Took all my friends out for a mighty good ride

# Bought bootleg liquor

# Champagne and wine

# Nobody knows you when you're down and out

# In your pocket you ain't got a penny

# As for friends you don't have any... #

Discover the world's most fascinating hotels...

Wow!

..and go behind the scenes with Giles Coren...

Did it!

..and Monica Galetti.

This is the hardest part of the job.

We can accommodate 620 team members' uniforms.

SHE GASPS

We have to paint the rooms every three weeks.

We are providing a service

to some of the most demanding customers you can get.

Amazing Hotels: Life Beyond the Lobby continues...

We are with the BBC journalist as he visits his shattered home

city for the first time since IS swept in.