Tim Vine Travels Through Time Christmas Special

# It's over in a minute when you're travelling through time

# It's over in a minute, hey, my name is Tim Vine

# It's over in a minute

# But there is a small chance that it might feel a bit longer. #

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

WHISTLING

Oh, Merry Christmas, everyone!

Merry Christmas, everyone, welcome to Tim Vine Travels Through Time.

Do you like my Christmas jumper? CHEERING

Yes, it's a picture of a gift with a tick on it,

all present and correct.

LAUGHTER

Yes, this is Tim's Antiques, full to the brim with precious objects.

Oh, I love Christmas. Do you know, the other day I sent my girlfriend

a huge pile of snow, then I rang her up and I said, "D'you get my drift?"

And do you like the decorations? Aren't they beautiful?

Look at this lovely little robin here, look at that, isn't he lovely?

Do you know, the robin has just been voted the official Christmas

bird. Yeah. Although I find by the time you get to Boxing Day,

there's never enough for sandwiches.

So many wonderful objects. Look, a Newton's Cradle.

Oh, he had a strange childhood, didn't he?

And over here on the wall, an extremely rare painting.

Yes, that is a very early Constable.

Now, as you know, this shop has been open for ages

and we're yet to have the grand opening. I'm still hoping for

a big celebrity to cut the ribbon. Oh, but my goodness me, I dunno,

it's unlikely we'll see anyone today what with it being the Christmas season.

SHOP BELL RINGS Ding dong merrily on high, it's a customer!

It's the wonderful Emma Bunton!

APPLAUSE

-Merry Christmas, Emma.

-Merry Christmas, Tim.

Such a thrill to have you here.

Thank you so much. May I say, your shop looks very festive.

-Yes, you may.

-Your shop looks very festive.

-Thank you.

-Very colourful and bright.

Yeah, so you like Christmas bunting?

I do, but you can call me Emma.

Now then, did you have any family traditions at Christmas?

Oh, I did - just before lunch,

me and my brother used to wrap ourselves in coloured paper,

then we'd tie ourselves in a bow and then we'd lie next to the cutlery.

Oh, your parents must've thought you were crackers.

This...this would make a beautiful Christmas present, wouldn't it?

Well, it would, but sadly it's got a little crack in the top of it

and you'd be surprised how often it happens.

Oh, there's too many broken harps in the world.

-Is that Jason Donovan?

-No, it's definitely a harp.

So tell me, Emma, what brings you to my little shop of dreams?

Well, actually I was hoping that you could help me with this.

Oh, let me have a look at that.

Ah.

A small lion, and if I'm not mistaken, it's made of silver.

I'm surprised I haven't got one of these already.

You know what they say - every clown has a silver lion.

Well, I got it for Christmas last year but I did wonder,

-I mean, king of the jungle, it's not very Christmassy.

-Oh, I dunno...

# Jungle bells, jungle bells, jungle all the way... #

You have a beautiful speaking voice.

Thanks. So, um, what's wrong with it?

Oh, it's broken at the bottom.

Do you think you could fix it for me?

Well, if I said it'd be easy, I'd be lion.

I tell you what, I will fix this for you

if you cut the ribbon at the grand opening of Tim's Antiques.

-It's a deal.

-Great, come back after a little pause.

Little paws! I'm better than that.

-Thanks, Tim, Merry Christmas.

-Merry Christmas, bye, Emma.

CHEERING

Emma Bunton!

Oh, there was a question I forgot to ask her...

Is Geri Halli-well?

Never mind, I've finally secured a celebrity for the grand opening

and all I have to do is fix this lion

and there's only one way to do that.

Look at this, viewers -

my grandfather's magic time travelling clock, a portal

to the past.

No, it's not where I get my jokes from.

In order to find a brand-new lion like this one,

we have to go back to the Tudor times.

Yes, obviously.

I will set the clock hands to 3.22,

which represents the year 1522

because this is a 24-hour grandfather clock.

Let's do this!

The bongs! The bongs!

Carry me off to the days of flowery frocks and ruffled collars,

where tapas grew on trees. Yes, tapestries!

1522, here I come!

But, Your Majesty...

APPLAUSE

Maybe they have not replied to the invitations

because they don't want to come.

If nobody comes to the King's Christmas party, heads will...

How you say?

Roll! I have a reputation to uphold. I am Catherine of Aragon.

From e-Spain.

The party guests are your responsibility, Anne, nobody else's.

I don't know what's happened to the invites, I feel like an idiot.

Here I am.

Oh, what a knight I've been through!

Blimey, look at this, I'm dressed as a comedian.

What do you mean, "makes a change"?

JINGLING

Is there a cat in here with a bell on its collar?

Oh, my word, it's Anne Boleyn.

Don't ask me how I know that, just go along with it.

And doesn't she look like the wonderful Emma Bunton?

-What are you doing here?

-Comedy, hopefully.

Are you the new jester?

Well, if I'm the new cook, they've given me the wrong costume.

Yes, I think I'm the new jester.

What's a snowman's least favourite superhero?

Thor!

Do you know any jokes?

It's going to be a long episode.

I'm Anne Boleyn.

Ah, yes, I know your brother, Tenpin - Tenpin Boleyn.

Please forgive me, I have a dilemma.

It's Queen Catherine. She's angry again.

Isn't it pronounced "Aragon"?

Perhaps I can help.

The thing is, the party invitations have gone missing.

-I have one here.

-Oh, let me look, I love a party.

Who's the host? Oh, it's Henry Veeeee.

-That says Henry VIII.

-I knew that.

-The problem is, no-one's RSVP'd.

-And has anybody replied?

-Not a sausage.

-Never mind the catering.

If nobody comes to the Christmas party,

-Queen Catherine will have me put on a rack.

-A spice rack!

Please can you help me, just for a few hours?

A few hours! Don't panic, viewers, we'll cut it down to 30 minutes.

OK, listen, you give me a list of all the names and addresses

-and I'll solve it.

-Oh, will you?

Oh, you're so wonderful, they should write a song about you.

# Jester walking in the rain... #

You have such a beautiful...speaking voice.

You're not the first person to tell me that. Well, in a way, you are.

Now before you go, you haven't seen one of these anywhere, have you?

Oh, I have seen something like that somewhere,

but right now I must go and find those addresses.

But, er...

With that silver lion, you seem quite besotted.

I see more things than the others have spotted.

It's Jane Seymour.

Another of Henry's future wives.

I know a poem, too...

Divorced, beheaded... I won't tell you that one.

Does everything you say rhyme?

They say that it does and they seem very certain, but...

..no.

That looks like a Christmas decoration.

Today's the day they decorate the King's Christmas tree.

The Christmas tree, of course. Christmas, Christmas, Christmas.

If you've just joined us, this is a Christmas show.

JINGLING

I can still hear that cat.

CAT YELPS

Small bundle of pencils - this must be the drawing room.

And get it right,

make sure you remove the dust from the baubles before you hang them.

They're forever blowing baubles.

Jester, instead of gawping, make yourself useful,

-help with the decorations.

-Who are you?

My name is Belvedere, I'm the head courtier.

-Of course you are.

-No, courtier.

I really like your jacket.

-Doublet.

-I really, really like your jacket.

I'm not going to tell you again, Jester, help with the decorations.

OK, now, there must be a silver lion in here somewhere, surely.

Oh, look at that, a snowman with a palm tree on his head

surrounded by the sea...

Snowman is an island.

Look at these 16th-century Christmas lights.

That's the thing about Christmas lights,

they're always in a tangle, aren't they?

Observational comedy, not one of my strengths.

Blimey! What a dramatic entrance. Who's this?

Make sure you get those Christmas party posters printed, Gordon.

Yes, I will, Cardinal Wolsey.

Cardinal Wolsey in a Christmas jumper addresses a man called

Gordon who's holding a turkey.

Say what you like about this show - it's historically accurate.

-Jester!

-Priest! Are we playing guess the job?

Jester...

Priest...

Silence!

Your cardigan, Wolsey?

No, I'm Cardinal Wolsey!

I know you are, I was referring to your jumper.

For your information, Jester, I don't like laughing.

Sit with them.

LAUGHTER

However, the King does,

and he's going out for a ride on his horse forthwith.

Funny name for a horse.

And he wants the new jester to ride with him.

What happened to the last jester?

He was executed because he couldn't make the King laugh.

Oh, how annoying, I've, I've just remembered that I've gotta

hoover the breadcrumbs off my pillow.

I've got a four-toaster bed.

You can do that after the horse riding.

What a brilliant idea.

CHIMING

Look at this, I'm playing Greensleeves.

That's not the tune.

Well, it's not actually the tune,

but the joke is that I'm literally playing green sleeves.

-SPANISH ACCENT:

-Remind me again, Belvedere, who is this man?

He says he's the court jester.

Senor Yester, don't you know any yokes about a-Spain?

No way, Jose.

Ah, that's a shame.

I tell you what, you name any subject and I'll do a joke about it.

Oh, I've got so many subjects - there's Norman the gardener

and Eric the stable boy.

I mean a topic.

Oh, very well, give me a joke about the king's chair.

The king's chair? That's throne me.

Throne me...

Yester, tell the King a yoke about a-horses.

That's two jokes on the trot.

If my horse likes it, he'll get a stallion ovation.

Stallion...

Can I choose what time of day I'm executed?

-Give me another subject.

-Cutlery.

It's the fork that counts.

-Curtains.

-That's a bit of a drawback.

Low branch.

This low branch goes into a tavern...

No, he means low branch.

LOUD LAUGHTER

Oh, I have to say, I haven't laughed like that for many a year.

That branch in the face jape, it was genius.

-Henry, this a-making me think...

-Yes?

The Christmas party, I will do my flamenco dance routine,

the chef make a paella, but we still need to book a comedian.

Yes.

We need a refined and talented artiste.

Hello?

I've got it!

Robert A Beckett, he's a regular on Mock Tudor The Week.

A combination of Mock Tudor and Mock The Week.

He's welcome to that joke - I was never keen on it.

-He's not available.

-I've got a wild idea...

Is that it on the wall over there?

Mr Tim, I shall put you in charge of the party entertainment,

you can make all our guests laugh their heads off.

Oh, that's one way of doing it.

Your Majesty, it would be an honour to make your guests laugh.

It'd be an honour to make anyone laugh, right now.

Splendido.

Henry, aqui, let us go and see

how the Christmas decorations are coming along.

Oh, my neck is so, so stiff.

Let me take that off for you.

Oh, oh, that's much better.

It's perfect - how did you do that?

Trust me, dear jester and cut me some slack,

it had four little poppers in a line down the back.

Thank you, Jane Seymour.

Oh, look at this, how Christmassy.

So I saw these two snowflakes having an argument.

I said, "All right, settle."

Very localised weather they have here.

Jester Tim, Jester Tim, said with urgency.

We need to put the directions in a different font.

And while you're at it, buy a bigger snow machine.

Anne, I'm very glad to see you, any sign of a lion?

Without it Emma Bunton won't cut the ribbon at the grand

opening of Tim's Antiques.

Motivation, jeopardy, sub-plots - it's all there.

Oh, I haven't had time to look for the lion, but as promised

I brought the list of people who've been invited to the Christmas party.

DRAMATIC MUSIC

Leave this to me.

I will find out why nobody has replied to the party invites.

Gordon, that jester is trouble.

Oh, don't worry, my turkey can sniff out trifle.

Not trifle, I said trouble. Take off those ear muffs!

But they were keeping my ears warm.

I know what they were doing.

Now get rid of him.

Oh, I've had him for seven years.

-Not the turkey, get rid of the jester.

-Oh.

Well, there's some interesting names on this list - Ebenezer Brown,

he's a gardener... Knees are brown.

Madam Friendly Lamp, she's a socialite...

A social light.

I don't want to worry you, there's 100 names on this list.

Even a lion tamer on here called Claude M'Trousers.

Are you ready, Stephen?

Attack the fool.

No! Stephen, no, not me.

I'm just wandering in casually because the director said,

"Scene seven, amble in."

Oh, I see, Anne Boleyn.

Ah, Jester Tim. What news?

Er...

WHISPERS: Can we speak alone?

I can hear you.

I wasn't talking to you.

Oh, I have no secrets from Belvedere.

None whatsoever, I know...everything.

Have you got to the bottom of the invites?

Yes, I have and it's very simple -

none of the guests have even received an invitation.

It's my theory they got lost in the post, or whatever

the equivalent is in 1522 - don't get smart with me.

That doesn't make any sense.

Indeed, Wolsey is usually so good at delivering the invites.

You got Wolsey to deliver them? I thought you were delivering them?

I knew it, this is all the work of Wolsey!

Why didn't I spot it sooner?

All the signs were there - the creepy demeanour, the evil music,

the inept henchman with a badly trained turkey called Stephen.

We're going to find those invitations. Come on, you two, follow me!

-BOTH:

-It's this way.

-I'll follow you.

Where's Belvedere?

He's keeping watch outside.

OK, hold the candles up so we can shed some light on the wall.

Ah, as I thought, this must be the vestry.

What's that?

That's Wolsey's onesie.

It's slightly wonky - he got it when he was working in Wales.

Wolsey's wonky onesie from Swansea?

No, but you're close - it was Cardiff.

I'm not sure we should be snooping around without Wolsey's permission.

Permission impossible.

MUSIC: Mission: Impossible by Lalo Schifrin

Not now!

-Can I ask you a question?

-Yes.

Why are we crouching?

-No reason, actually.

-Oh.

Right, you look for clues underneath those jam

and cream tea-time treats.

Leave no scone unturned.

Hello, Jester.

Oh! Jane Seymour, you made me jump.

Something's afoot.

It's that thing at the end of your leg.

You might want to investigate this nativity area.

Just saying.

Joseph and Mary look happy,

I suppose that's the advantage of being in a stable relationship.

Oh, you know what his favourite football team is, don't you?

Shepherd Wednesday.

Let's check out this crib. Bingo!

-What is it?

-It's a ball with a number on it.

But underneath that...

..a bundle of invites to the King's Christmas party,

hidden away in a manger.

DRAMATIC MUSIC

I recognise that chord...

It's Caravan Wolsey.

My name's Cardinal Wolsey.

Hello, Gordon. That's a big candle - where did you get it?

Oh, I bought it from a small shop in Hampton Court.

You know where the bridge is?

-Well, if you're approaching from the north end...

-Shut up, Gordon!

So, we meet again.

We've met again is slightly better English.

Gordon, where is your turkey?

Oh, he's acting out of character.

Mm, aren't we all?

He started eating the Queen's bedtime shoes.

Tudor slippers?

How do you explain these invites, Wolsey?

You're obviously not going to send them.

I am going to send them

but only after I've changed the party address to the cathedral.

All the guests will come to my Christmas party and not the King's.

Give me the invites, Jester.

Oh!

Hand over the invites, Anne.

Here, Gordon, have a scone.

Oh, oh!

Hey!

You'll never get away with this, Jester.

I've been getting away with it for years.

Yes, and we are going to make sure those invites

go to the right people.

Look out, Wolsey and Gordon are on their way.

Oh, they're here.

We were here but now we're leaving.

-With these.

-He's taken the invites.

-Gordon!

Oh, oh.

Curses. Excuse my language.

All is not yet lost. Anne, Belvedere, I have a plan.

Scene change!

What is the time?

Well, according to my wrist sundial, it's 35 seconds to eight o'clock.

But if I turn that way, it's half past three.

Well, it seems obvious that nobody is coming to the

King's Christmas party.

Anne Boleyn, you have let down your monarch.

-Don't speak too soon.

-What do you mean?

I just mean leave the odd pause, it builds the drama.

Jester Tim, where are the guests?

Your guest is as good as mine.

Oh, hello.

I thought the party started at 8.00 - where is everybody?

-What a shame.

-What have you done with the invitations, Wolsey?

I haven't the faintest idea what you're talking about.

TRUMPETS BLAST

It's the King.

Greetings, honoured guests and distinguished friends,

welcome to my Christmas...

-Where is everyone?

-I can answer that.

Anne Boleyn and the jester deliberately did not send out

your party invites.

That is not true.

Jester, you've got some explaining to do.

-Your Majesty, Cardiac Wolsey...

-Cardinal!

Sorry. Cannonball Wolsey is a bad man - he's even got his own

incriminating evil chord that plays every time he appears.

I didn't hear an evil chord when he appeared.

Neither did I.

THEY ALL TALK AT ONCE

How could you not hear that? It was deafening.

Look, Wolsey, go back out and come back in again.

Right, now, listen to this. Right, come on...

OK, annoyingly, on that occasion, there wasn't one,

but every other time. Check it on the iPlayer.

Look, it's plain to see that this man is making it

all up as he goes along.

Took me ages to learn this.

Jester Tim,

it is with great regret that I must order your immediate ex...

-Wait!

-Belvedere.

-Whatever the jester says is true.

-Many a true word spoken in jest.

Cardinal Wolsey stole the invites for his own Christmas party.

Nonsense. I haven't got time for all this. I'm leaving.

If he ever gets his own calendar, that's April.

Oh, Wolsey, you are wearing your party onesie.

I wanted to make an effort for the King.

Nonsense, how do you explain this poster?

GASPS

Are you deceiving me, Wolsey?

This poster seems to prove your guilt.

Although, I must say, it is rather well designed.

Oh, er, thank you, Your Majesty. Oh, no.

Gordon, the invites.

ALL: The invites!

My party invitations?

I'm sorry for the delay, I'll deliver them right now.

-Wait a moment.

-Argh!

Look at this.

A silver lion statue.

Not a lion statue, it's Wolsey's seal stamp.

He's sealed his own invitations. Look, the wax matches exactly.

-Arrest that man!

-Immediately.

Does this mean I'm no longer a cardinal?

Is the Pope Catholic?

Yes, I am.

APPLAUSE

Thank you for inviting us all to your Christmas party, Your Majesty.

-I don't understand.

-I'm struggling to keep up myself.

And doesn't the Pope remind you

of the vicar from Strictly Come Dancing?

I used the address list to go

and invite all the guests personally and everybody said yes.

Oh, isn't it wonderful news? Merry Christmas, everyone!

-ALL:

-Merry Christmas.

Oh, Jester Tim, I never doubted you.

Thank you so much and I would like you to take this as a gift from me.

Oh, Anne, this is perfect.

Well done, Jester, this time you're the champ.

I've known all along that was Wolsey's seal stamp.

You've known all along? You may be Jane SEEmour,

but if you were Jane SAYmore, we could've finished 20 minutes ago!

And now, to begin the party entertainment,

singing a song for the whole court, it is Jester Tim.

# There's a place where baubles shine

# And tinsel sparkles all the time

# And there's a smile on every face

# Well, almost every face

# Henry VIII's Christmas party

# It's the brightest party of the year

# Henry VIII's Christmas party

# That's me!

# If you didn't RSVP, that may well just be why you're not here

# One-a, Tudor, three-a, four-a

# Henry VIII's Christmas party, Henry VIII's Christmas party,

# Henry VIII's Christmas party... #

I'm back in the here and now!

CHEERING

Oh, well, I'm glad to say I didn't get executed,

although it is way past my behead-time.

Do you know, it's just great to be back among my treasured antiques.

Oh, look at this lizard, it's art gecko.

SHOP BELL RINGS Oh, welcome back, Emma Bunton!

Here you are, Emma, one silver lion with a perfect base.

Oh, thank you so much Tim, brilliant.

Anyway, I'd better make tracks.

-Oh, are you going to a recording studio?

-I'm just leaving.

Oh, wait a minute, you are still going to cut the ribbon

tonight at the grand opening of Tim's Antiques?

Oh, no, I can't, the vicar off Strictly has invited me to a party.

Oh, you couldn't make it up.

Well, you...you could, and we did.

Thank you so much, Tim, Merry Christmas.

-Merry Christmas, Emma!

-Merry Christmas!

APPLAUSE

Typical, the search for a celebrity to open Tim's Antiques goes on.

Well, what have we learnt today? We've learnt that Wolsey's got a

wonky onesie and his wonky onesie's not from Swansea.

Christmas decorations don't grow on trees and it's actually very

hard to operate a turkey puppet and act at the same time.

It's just such a shame that Emma won't be here for the grand

opening and we're going to have to cancel the brass band.

Can we cancel the brass band?

BRASS BAND PLAYS

Hey, no, we should've... We should've...

See you again same time, different time!

Merry Christmas!