Vic & Bob's Big Night Out

What magnificent woods it is. It's massive.

There's a fire there, going. Summat happened. But what, I don't know.

-It's a house in a very lonely place.

-BEAR GROWLS

You've got a big bear there.

Looks really frightening and threatening.

Then there's two people on the front.

One of them's very large and big.

And he's standing next to his friend, who is very small.

-Yes, just like a little shrimp really.

-Oh!

-It's Reeves and Mortimer.

-CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

-Trousers!

-Trousers!

-Trousers!

-Trousers!

Trousers!

-Trousers!

-Trousers!

Trousers! Trousers!

-Trousers!

-Trousers!

Trousers!

# Skinny jeans are current but can compromise your nuts

# Chinos are for comfort but sit low beneath your guts

# Turn-ups can be useful when there's lots of falling glass

# But for all-round everyday wear, we suggest an A-line slack. #

Trousers!

-That's trousers!

-CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

Good evening.

-The shrimp is with us.

-Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.

-Talking about trousers, Vic.

-Yeah.

Talking about trousers, I was wearing trousers the other day when

a German shepherd came in through the hedge and had a dump on me lawn.

-Yeah?

-Yeah.

His dog's as bad as well.

HORN TOOTS

Do you know? I used to wear trousers in the 1980s.

-In fact, in the '80s, I spent two years in a squat.

-Really?

Then I stood up.

SAXOPHONE

Hey, I was wearing trousers the other night

-when I went to the karaoke club with me Indian friend.

-Gerupta Singh?

Yeah, I got up. I like to, yeah.

Can you do this?

SLOSH

Urgh!

Nah, I can't do that.

Me neither.

FUNKY BASS GUITAR

PAN PIPES

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Anyway, Bob, talking about trousers, do you like denim work wear slacks?

-Yes, I do like them very much. Thank you for asking.

-They are nice, aren't they?

-Did you know, Vic?

-These days, they're actually called jeans.

-Wait a minute. They're called what?

-Jeans.

-Yeah, that's the new word for them.

-You've lost me there. Is there a new word for...?

-Yeah, jeans.

-Have you got a favourite jean, Vic?

-I like Gene Hackman, Gene Roddenberry, Jean Harlow,

Gene Vincent. I like all them Genes.

They're people, you see, Vic?

The mistake you've made is you've forgotten that

I told you that the new name for denim workwear is jeans.

-Yeah?

-Yes!

-Yes.

-Now I know.

So, do you have a favourite jean?

-I suppose it's our sponsors, Geordie Jeans.

-Geordie Jeans.

Geordie Jeans!

Even the pop stars wear Geordie Jeans!

Bruno Mars!

24-carat magic!

Rag'n'Bone Man!

# I'm only hu-man after all! Don't put the blame on me. #

And Ed Sheeran!

I'm in love with the shape of your body.

What? What?

They can even calm down ADHD kids!

CHUCKLES

They're so nice and tight around the arse.

-Geordie Jeans!

-CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

-Geordie Jeans.

-Geordie Jeans.

-Geordie Jeans.

-Geordie Jeans.

I don't know about you, ladies and gentlemen, but round about this

time of night, what I like to do is pop a Freddo bar under a Scart lead.

-And that brings a lot of good luck...

-A lot of good luck.

-..I have always found.

-Yeah.

It does, yeah. Hiya.

LOUD THROBBING

Make it stop!

No!

Oh!

-Vic...

-Magnetic hands.

-Vic.

-Yeah?

I really enjoyed that.

-Vic, I'm really surprised that you haven't mentioned me wig.

-What wig?

-Me wig.

-You're not wearing a wig.

-You're joking. Yes, I am.

-Is it? Really?

-Didn't you think I was?

-Well, what a blend. You can't tell.

-Do you mean that?

You really can't tell.

-Oh. I'm so pleased cos this were expensive.

-I bet it was.

-How much did it cost?

-£30,000.

-£30,000?!

£30,000.

I mean, it seems like a lot of money, do you know what I mean?

-But it's an entirely new system.

-Tell me about it.

Well, it's called All About The Blend

-because it is about how it blends with your natural hair.

-It's a good blend.

It's actually, the company that makes it is actually

-owned by Captain Mark Phillips. Do you remember Captain Mark Phillips?

-Yeah, I used to ride with him.

-You used to ride with him?

-Yeah.

-Hey, didn't we all?

Didn't we all? Yeah, and what they do, it's a unique system...

-What they do is they actually pluck individual hairs out of your Peter pipe.

-Yeah.

-Your Cheddar Gorge.

-Your Cheddar Gorge.

-Pluck them out and then stretch them and they apply butter to them.

-Ooh!

-Yeah.

-Mm!

Really nice butter, you know, like Anchor, summat like that.

-Mm!

-And they're individually sewn into the net, all about the blend.

-Doesn't it blend?

-Yes, lovely! Fantastic!

-Thank you.

-Incredible.

-Turn around. Let's have a look at the back of it.

-The blend?

-Superb. Isn't it?

MOUTHS

-It's perfect, Bob.

-No, I'm really pleased with it.

-Absolutely unbelievable.

-And to think you didn't even spot it.

-I didn't spot that you had a wig on, no.

-That's fantastic. Yeah.

-Really good.

-So, what's been happening with you, Vic?

-Well, I was on me way back from Chutney Club...

-Yeah.

-It's good at Chutney Club.

-You and that Chutney Club.

-I hardly ever see you these days.

-We've just learned how to put the lids on.

-Mm!

Anyway, I was coming back from Chutney Club

and it was pouring down with rain and I saw...

You know the actor Mel Gibson? I saw him and he was obviously having some car trouble cos

he got some water in his carburettor or something like that.

Anyway, he got out and he picked it up, he was very strong,

picked up the front of the car and he was banging it, bang,

-bang, bang, in the pouring rain.

-Yeah.

-I can hardly even imagine that.

-Would you like to see the memory?

I'd love to see it, yeah.

Oh, that's great.

Ha-ha-ha!

-HORN TOOTS

-Unngg!

Uunnnggg!

Flamin' eck! Ooh, gawd!

That's a nice memory, that one.

Yeah.

-Are you going to keep it?

-No, I don't really... Do you want it?

-Yeah, I'll have it, yeah. Thank you.

-Sea salt?

Yes, I can see that.

Ooh!

-Oof!

-Oh!

Oof!

Oh!

-Oof!

-Oh, you're joking, aren't you?

-That's nice that, isn't it?

-Oof!

-Oh!

-Hello.

-Hello.

-Hello.

-All right, lad? Lovely to see you.

-All right?

-How do you do, lad?

-My name's Colin.

Colin.

Calling all cars, officer down!

Hey, I like that. I love that one!

-You do like it?

-Ooh, love it!

There you go, there you go.

-I'm Nicholas, by the way.

-I can tell.

Like two boiled eggs in a cycling sock!

Ha-hey!

Oh! Classic.

-When was the last time you were on a date?

-I'm on one date now, actually.

There you are. I brought it along, you see.

-At least, I hope it's a date.

-So do I!

It reminds me, I passed a lovely firm stool this morning.

I wish I'd stopped and bought it! Hey!

Love that one!

-That's really good. That's a classic.

-Ain't it?

-It really is, yeah.

-Toot-toot-toot!

Very, very good. If you don't mind me saying, Colin,

you've got a rather large head, haven't you?

It has been noted that it's quite large, yes. It's a sniper's dream.

-You can't miss it!

-Bang! Boom!

-You can't miss it!

-You couldn't miss it.

-And do you know what,

Nicholas? I noticed that you walked in with a bit of a limp.

-Oh, I have, yeah. Sniper's nightmare.

-Oop!

-Do you understand?

-Missed! Missed again!

-Nil points. Nil points, Mr Sniper!

Ooh, here it comes.

-Ooh, there we are.

-Here it comes.

-Delightful, thank you.

-Come on then.

-Let's tuck in.

-Yeah, why, has it popped out again?

Nonstop cabaret!

So, are you going to see each other again?

-I don't know.

-Right, you go first, go on.

-OK.

-No, sit down!

-Classic, that!

-Love it. Love that.

-You do like it.

Right, I'll go first.

-Right.

-I thought I might have to say this.

I can't speak the words, so I've written on me napkin. All right?

So, for the camera as well.

Oh!

Oh, it's double folded, hold on.

Oh! Hey! That's a good one! I like that. Me too.

-Yeah?

-Shall we go and find some?

-Yes, please.

-Piccadilly Circus?

-Correct. Come on.

And so, as the sun sets over the wood pigeon, the old farmer

buries his wife's necklace beneath the water pump.

Bomp-bom-bom!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

So, ladies and gentlemen, we've got a bit of a treat for you now

because we've been working on an observation comedy routine.

-Observational comedy.

-Observational comedy, which I know is all the trend.

-Oh, hello.

-All right, lads? How are you doing?

-All right, thanks. Who are you, mate?

-I'm Rod Stewart, aren't I?

-Rod Stewart?!

-You don't look much like him.

-The singer.

-You don't look much like him.

-You don't look like Rod Stewart!

-A percentage of people say that, like.

-Yeah.

Anyway, so what can we do for you, Rod?

I'm on at the O2 in about half an hour.

I was wondering if you could lend me the bus fare.

-How much?

-20 quid?

-20 quid?!

-20 quid?! The O2, it's only over there!

All right, tenner.

Tenner. I tell you what, we're down an act a bit later on.

If you come back and do a little bit of your show for us,

-yeah, we'll give you a tenner. Is that all right?

-That'll do, yeah.

-All right. Where do you want me to wait?

-Well, where do you normally wait

-when you're at the O2 before you go on?

-At the vending machine with the fat drummer, looking at the lasses.

There's no lasses and there's no fat drummer,

but there's tea and coffee facilities back there.

-Yeah, nice to meet you, Rod.

-Nice to meet you, lads. See you later.

-Hey, Rod Stewart, eh?

-Rod Stewart, eh?

-Come on, it's time to do it.

-Observation comedy.

-Let's do some.

It's our observation comedy. It's the modern way.

Come on. Ladies and gentlemen, have you ever noticed, ladies and gentlemen, that

in hotels, the thermostat control on the showers is always very erratic?

AUDIENCE: Yes.

Come on. Come on, this is good stuff.

Don't coat hangers get tangled up?

AUDIENCE: Yes.

Have you ever noticed...? You must have!

Have you ever noticed that you get your thing for the carwash, the

little code, and when you pull up at the machine, you can't reach it?

AUDIENCE: Yes.

Does anyone remember Babycham?

They still make it.

-Who said that?

-What did he say?

-What did you say?

-I was just saying, they still make it.

-So it doesn't really...

-Can you get him out?

-No, I'm just saying, it don't really work.

-Get him out.

-Come on.

Really?

Oh. Oh, just...

They still make Babycham, so it's just a silly thing, isn't it?

Doesn't really work.

MUFFLED ARGUING

GUNSHOT

-Does anyone remember Babycham?

-AUDIENCE: YES!

Yes, very good. Nice ending there. That's observation comedy!

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

-Hey, Bob.

-Hiya.

-Hello.

-Hiya.

-Bob.

-Yeah?

-Can we have a punch up?

-Have a punch-up? Yes, please! Come on!

-Come on!

-Let's have a punch up.

-Come on!

-Can't wait.

-You go first.

-OK.

THUMPING

-Oof!

-Right.

-Bourne Conspiracy.

-THUMPING

Right, Wonder Woman.

SWISH

DISCO MUSIC

The Hammer of Thor!

Shit!

SWOOSHING

THUMP

THUMPING

-I win again!

-Hey, that was a good fight. Thank you.

-Yeah, that was all right that, wasn't it?

-He always tops me with that hammer.

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

I'm sorry, Vic. I've got to leave you for a moment. I've got to do that thing I've been

-meaning to do.

-Oh, that thing.

-I'm going to do it now, yeah.

-Well, you'd better go and do it.

-Yeah. Ooh.

Oh, hey. Hello.

Vic, I've fallen.

-I could see.

-Did you see?

-Did you trip over something?

A Piriton?

Yeah, maybe that or a Rennie. It was summat pharmaceutical.

-Something like that, you tripped over, wasn't it?

-But main thing is, that felt pretty bad.

-I want to have a look at the damage Vic.

-Let's have a look at the damage.

-I can instantly see, I've took the top off a blister there.

-Yeah.

-So, that's not nice, is it?

-How is your sacrodiliac?

-Me what?

-Your sacrodiliac.

-I don't know what that is.

It's a ligament that attaches your kneecap via your nose to your anus.

-I don't know. I'd better try.

-It goes all the way round.

-Argh!

-Oh!

-Oh!

-No! So that's gone as well.

-Yeah.

For this blister, can you get us a plaster?

Have you got a plaster, please? But I want one of those Frozen ones,

with the characters from Frozen on it.

-For me blister.

-I'd like to get that for you, but I can't, can I? I'd like to get you a Frozen plaster,

but you've used them all up. You took them all out of the packet and stuck them

-on the back of your Big Bang Theory backpack!

-Yes, I did.

-I said, "One day, you'll want a plaster

"and they won't be in there because you've stuck them all over the back of your Big Bang Theory backpack!"

-You stupid boy!

-No, I accept that. Vic, will you do summat for us?

Would you phone me mum, yeah? And ask her to bring some.

-Your mum, Pissy Pat.

-She's not called Pissy Pat. Pissy Pat.

-Is this her, "Mummy"?

-No, that's her chatroom I'm involved in.

The next one, I think.

-"Mum at work."

-"Mum at work," that's it, yeah.

-Ooh, sometimes...

-Thanks, Vic.

Hello? Yeah, can I speak to Mrs Mortimer, please? Yeah, Pissy Pat.

Yeah.

Right. Could you tell her her son, Bob, has...

Yeah, Wanky Bob. Yeah.

Could you tell her that he's fallen over and he needs a plaster? OK.

Bye. She's gone off for two weeks to Yates's Wine Lodge on holiday.

-Oh, not again! I'm just going to have to...

-Hang on a minute.

-What?

-Why don't you use...use one of them?

-What, a second-class stamp?

-Yeah.

-No, it'll take forever to heal then, won't it?

Pissy Pat, honestly! You idiot!

You what?! What did you call me then?

-You're an idiot!

-Oh, I'm an idiot, eh?

-Yes, you are.

-Yeah.

-Would an idiot be able to do this?

-Huh?

-No.

-Yeah, exactly.

Just think about what you say in future.

APPLAUSE

Let's take a trip to Novelty Island.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

MUSIC PLAYS

Here we are with the paddock of Novelty Island.

We're going to see three turns who are going to present themselves

in the paddock and the first turn tonight is David Little-Peacock.

David has a double-barrel name, a double-barrel shotgun

and a double entendre company in Long Nobbington near Bristol City.

And here he is, David Little-Peacock.

SCOTTISH ACCENT: Hello.

Hello, everyone. Hello, Mr Reeves.

-Hello, there, yes.

-So, David...

-Hello.

Yeah, it's my doglect.

I operate a small laboratory up in Stranraer where I make hybrids,

you know, crossbreeds.

Yeah, and clones. I myself am a humbould.

I'm part human, part boulder.

-This is the doglect, it's part otter, part lecturer.

-Part radish.

-Part radish! There was a wee amount of radish.

-What does your doglect do?

-Aye, we're going to sing a tender song together.

-Right, OK.

If you could assist me, Mr Reeves.

If you'd like to come round to the doglect's side there

and I'll indicate during the song when you need to lift its beak.

OK. So, if we could have the music, please?

# It was a hard afternoon In the middle of June

# When I first met my baby... #

DOGLECT WHISTLES

# ..As she slowly walked by... #

WHISTLES

# ..I said Hey, that's my lady... #

WHISTLES

So there you have it. There you have it. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

That's the doglect.

-Fantastic.

-Thanks for having me, Mr Reeves. Goodbye from the doglect.

Bye-bye, he says. Cheerio.

David Little-Peacock and his doglect.

Second act in the paddock tonight, please welcome Rod Stewart.

MUSIC PLAYS

-All right, Rod?

-Hiya.

-What's this?

-It's me arse-kicking machine.

-I thought you were going to do something for my show.

-It is.

I use it to kick the backing singers up the arse during the boring bits of Maggie May.

-Right. Well, you're not kicking me up the arse with it.

-No,

I'm going to stand in there, you're going to kick me up the arse.

All right. Well, you get in there.

And this is what you use to kick the backing singers up the arse.

-Backing singers' arses.

-Yeah. Right. Here we go, then.

-Five for a tenner.

-Right, OK.

-Remember, five, no more.

-Right, got you.

-Because I know you.

Yeah. Right. All right, then. Here we go.

Ow! Ah!

Argh! Oh! Ow! That's five.

-That's five, ain't it?

-Five. Tenner, now.

-There you are, £10.

Here, take that with you, you'll need it tonight.

-Who have you got supporting you?

-I don't know, Bryan Adams, I suppose.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

BELL RINGS

Act number three in the paddock of Novelty Island is...

He's a friend of doctors, dentists and athletic...

CHEERING

It's...Graham Lister.

MUSIC: Caroline by Status Quo

Good evening, Reeves. Good evening, Reeves.

I see you look like a pudding that's turned towards the daft.

You've not progressed much in life, have you, Reeves?

I'm here to perform my act, can we carry on with it, please?

Yes, sure. What is it you're going to do?

I'm going to touch that cornucopia with my hand.

If you step outside the paddock, you are disqualified.

I am well aware of the rules, Reeves. I've been doing this for 28 years.

If you could assist me, please, Reeves, by passing me my hand pipe.

Right. Yeah, OK.

Using the hand pipe, I will disorganised my arm muscles,

limbs and bones so that I'm able to touch the cornucopia with my hand.

Could I have the serious music, please?

MUSIC: Mastermind theme

TWANG!

It's a quality item, ladies and gentlemen.

I'll see you shortly when I am inevitably victorious.

-Cream always rises. Thank you, Reeves.

-Very poor.

Very poor indeed. Well, anyway, watching the acts and judging the winner tonight,

please welcome the children's entertainer Simon Cowell.

MUSIC PLAYS

OK. Simon, now you're going to tell us who is the winner tonight.

Was it act number one, David Little-Peacock and his doglect?

Was it act number two, Rod Stewart?

Was it act number three, Graham Lister?

MUSIC: Caroline by Status Quo

Choose between diesel,

meat or grout.

For the ladies, talcum powder, Prosecco or salad.

Eileen, I see you're wearing them scented inserts in your Geordie jeans.

-Give us a sniff, man.

-Help yourself, Brian.

She's quality crumpet.

You're bastard right I am.

-AMERICAN ACCENT:

-Perfuffles.

Frimple cakes. Perfuffles.

Excuse me, you can't sell your wares here, I'm in the middle of doing a show.

I've come all the way from Wisconsin...

on a steamboat to sell my perfuffles, my frimple cakes and hooties.

OK. All right, you've come so far, come and tell us about your cakes.

Look at them. Here's a hooty, here's a perfuffle. Touch it, soft.

-So soft, right?

-It is a very soft cake.

-Soft, right?

-It's very soft.

-Well soft, right?

-Yeah, it's really soft.

-Well soft, right?

Frimple cakes. Touch them, they're real soft, right?

-OK. So what's the frimple taste of?

-Coconut.

Do you want to take them, please?

Hold on a minute. Take those glasses off, please.

Who are you?

Take that hat off as well. Take the hat off. Oh, it's you!

-Yeah, sorry.

-You twister!

-I'm sorry.

-Oh, well, that's nice.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Bob, I've just noticed you're not wearing your wig.

-No, I've lost confidence in it.

-Why's that?

-Well, people were, like, poking me.

-Poking fun of you?

-Literally poking me

-and saying, like, "Terrible blend, Bob."

-Really?

-Yeah, so I just took it off.

-I can't see why. Hey, I'm a wig salesman, I could help you out.

-Really?

I sell them mainly around the States...

-NEW ZEALAND ACCENT:

-..but sometimes in New Zealand.

I sell me wigs in New Zealand to mainly people who work in the motor industry.

-I'm in luck there, I should come to you.

-I've got my samples here, do you want to have a look?

-You've got them with you?

-Yeah, yeah.

-How lovely for me. Yeah, I'd love to try some on.

Hang on a minute. Get me samples now.

God, what have you got in there, a dead body?

-Eh?

-What's in there, a dead body?

-No.

Why, has someone been saying something?

-No, I was just making a little joke.

-It's not funny.

-OK.

I'll just get ready.

-You'll fix some to me, will you, Vic?

-Yeah, let's have a look.

I'll see what I can sort you out with. What have we got here?

Hang on, wait a minute.

-How is that?

-It's got a really good fit, but it's a bit heavy for me.

-Is that too heavy for you?

-Yeah. Do they look any good?

-Yeah, it looks all right.

-It's too heavy for me.

-I need something a bit lighter, you know what I mean?

-Something a bit lighter.

-A bit more summery.

-Oh, rustle...

-There. How's that?

-It's really light.

It's lovely and light. I haven't got a mirror, Vic. Have you got somewhere I could look?

-Hang on. Have a look in that.

-Thank you.

-Oh, is this newspaper?

-Yeah.

-I need something more durable than that.

-Really?

-No, I need something more durable than that.

-Hang on. Just wait there, then.

SPLATTERING AND SQUELCHING

-Right.

-Can't wait.

AUDIENCE GROANS

-Oh, I like that.

-Yeah, that looks pretty good.

-Let's have a look. Let's have a look.

-Yeah.

-That feels perfect.

-Have a look.

-What do you think?

-Yeah, I like it.

-Do you like it?

-I really look like someone.

-Who do you think?

-Who is it I look like?

-Er...

-Who is it?

-Olly Murs.

-That's it, it's Olly Murs!

-It is, it's Olly Murs.

-It's quite striking really, ain't it?

Thank you.

Zero, zero, zero.

Niner, eight.

Zero, zero, five, seven, two.

Well, ladies and gentlemen, it's the end of the show.

We've got a really special treat for you.

I don't know if you remember, a bit earlier with me new wig,

I looked a bit like Olly Murs.

Well, tonight, to close the show, as a very special guest,

-we've got Mr Olly...

-Bob, he said he can't make it.

-What do you mean he can't make it?

-He said he can't get here.

He says he's really sorry, but he can't do.

I just saw him about half an hour ago, he couldn't wait to get on.

I know, yeah, but he can't do it.

He said he can't do it, he was really apologetic.

Really sorry about it. He said he's...

He's really cut up about it.

-No, he must be in bits.

-Well, he is actually, yeah.

So what are we going to do to finish the show, then, son?

-Well, I've got another memory.

-Good one, bad one?

-It's a bit of both.

It was in the same brainstorm that I saw Mel Gibson.

I was going through the same brainstorm

and I saw Idris Elba, the actor,

running along through the rain with a couple of falcons on his shoulders.

He was trying to get his falcons to the sanctuary before they got wet.

Why didn't he just take them inside?

I don't know.

-You just don't know.

-I don't know.

-No, I would love to see that.

-Would you like to see that memory?

-It'd be nice, wouldn't it?

-I'll get me memory hat on.

-Put the memory hat on.

-Do you want to see this memory?

-Of course I do.

Come on. Come on, let's get there quick.

Come on! Come on.

Yeah, it's interesting.

I've enjoyed that very much. Are you going to keep that memory?

-I don't want it, no, you have it. Put it in your pocket.

-OK.

Look, we must commemorate that memory in some way, Vic.

-What do you reckon?

-Let's commemorate it in song.

Let's do a song all about Idris' problems.

-Use your special instrument.

-# Idris Elba

# Is running through the rain

-# Idris Elba

-Isn't it a shame?

# Idris Elba

-# He got his kestrels wet

-Idris Elba

# He hasn't got home yet... #

# Idris Elba

# Idris Elba

# Idris Elba

# Idris Elba. #

Good night!