Hailmakers

This programme contains some strong language

HE YELPS

-Why would you not lock a toilet door, Solomon?!

-I'm sorry.

The MD don't need to see that.

That's our last cleaning contract gone.

So what? There are other jobs.

Brothers With Brooms ain't a job, it's our company.

Brothers With Brooms ain't a company,

it's just a couple of brothers.

-With brooms!

-You said we'd have some other mugs doing it for us by now.

-We're still the mugs, bruv.

-All right, all right.

Maybe we just need to find our next investment opportunity.

And how much investment money have we got left?

Including this 40 quid?

Don't say 40 quid.

-All right.

-Bruv!

One breakfast, two plates, no profit.

You want half of anything else?

You want half a cup of tea?

You want to take half a poo in the toilet?

You two are like, erm... What's his name?

Ant and Dec.

Mrs Diggins watches them on the telly, she's always, like,

"Why they have two men if they do one-man job?

"It's not like they have to put an angry cat in a shoe box."

Whatever that means.

-Best believe I'm Dec.

-No, man.

You're Ant.

What? Ant?! Ant?!

Go fry a egg, man!

Hey, what's wrong with you?

-Ant's safe.

-Ant is a side man, yeah?

He's calling me a side man.

Let me ask you a question - if Dec goes sick, yeah,

are you going to leave Ant in charge?

You spend three months eating dingo doo-doo,

you want to walk out of the jungle to be met by just Ant?

Calling me a damn side man.

What, bruv?

Did I just hear you mention the words "investment opportunity"?

-Huh?

-Have I got some merchandise for you today.

Fuck knows, I'm hanging.

All right. Tube of crisps, 30p.

Can sell it on for, say, a fiver.

-What flavours have you got?

-Cream and mushroom or tuna choc chip.

No.

No? That's fine.

This body paint consists of a complex chemical formula

that means you get in top physical shape just by wearing it,

whilst shopping, say, or...

engaging in no-strings erotic interplay.

No?

All right. Sticker album.

Can open it up, have a look inside, close it again.

-I've got a van full of them.

-Now you're talking!

Wait, what? Bruv?

Sol, this country is up to its gums in emotionally retarded baby men

who are looking for their next distraction

from the horrors of modern life.

And you think that's a sticker album?

Have I let you down yet?

I have been cleaning toilets for a year, so...

-How much?

-How much you got?

30 quid.

I heard you've got 40.

-40 quid.

-Done.

-WHISPERS:

-Bastard.

Get ready to be rich, Sol.

Where the fuck is Fambia?

It's a printing error.

We've bought a load of football sticker albums that

include a fictional country, Saz!

OK, all right.

We can't sell the sticker albums cost they feature a page

for Fambia, a country that don't exist.

-Yeah.

-People don't want a sticker album they can't complete, yeah?

Right.

So, in order to help our customers complete the sticker album,

we need to...

make our own Fambian football team stickers.

SOL SIGHS

We'll make a fake kit. We'll get photos of, what,

20, 25 fellas wearing it?

Print them on stickers and sell it with the rest of the gear.

It's kind of brilliant.

It's kind of stupid.

All right, fine. You carry on being...

What? What, a side man?

-I was going to say broke.

-I ain't a side man.

Hmm. So you'll be all right going to see Dionne

-about some football shirts?

-Dionne? What, Dionne-Dionne?

-Yes, Dionne-Dionne.

-Dionne-Dionne hates me, man.

Dionne-Dionne hates everyone.

But who else do you know with a massive sporting goods store?

No, you don't get it. Her hatred for everyone is like your

basic, natural occurring hatred,

like the way everyone hates dog shit or Tim Lovejoy.

Dionne's hatred for me is laser-targeted, Sarah Connor hatred,

-because I dumped her.

-Give me your phone, I'll call her, then.

No, no. Don't... Don't Ant me!

I'll call her, I'll sort the shirts.

-Well, go on, then.

-What, now?

You've got the reverend's daughter coming, haven't you?

Celeste may well be paying our humble abode a visit, yes.

And has humble Celeste still got you on a "no pray, no lay" programme?

-Leave it, yeah?

-Just pretend you're a believer and get laid, Saz.

No. It's not me.

Now go and get them shirts, bruv.

Bruv, don't worry about the shirts.

I've got the shirts.

MUSIC: Jailbreak by Thin Lizzy

Daytime drinking?

Can I have one?

-All right, Snitchard?

-Snitchard?

Oh, I get it, because my name's Richard and I'm a policeman.

That's very clever, actually.

-Why are you here?

-Oh, I let Roger play illegal football streams

and in return he lets me use the khazi without buying a drink.

Still big-time, then?

Beep. Beep, beep, beep, beep,

jealousy, high-level detected.

Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep.

Guess what sort of detector this is?

-Is it a good thing?

-No!

Right. Better love you and leave you.

I'm off down Chicken Chapel.

I overlook Yusaf's out-of-date coleslaw

and in return he lets me have as much coleslaw as I want.

I don't care!

Can I help you...

darling?

Oh, shit.

Hello, Dionne. Miss Mackay, I mean.

How are you? How's your father?

Not...how's-your-father, but how is your dad?

Are you all right, Miss Mackay? You OK?

-Still inside.

-Yes.

Yes, of course he is.

Sorry about that. Er, yeah.

Pigs, eh? I mean, who would 'ave 'em?

-Piss off, Snitchard.

-Cheerio.

Hello, Dionne.

Argh, Dionne, please!

Please, just a few football shirts.

-You've got a shop full of them.

-And what's in it for me?

How does 5% sound?

Like a fart through a flute.

5% of your thing wouldn't cover Carl's bra bill.

SOL GROANS

How badly do you want these shirts, Sol?

Badly. Really badly.

OK, OK, OK!

Turn around.

Slowly.

Now look at me.

Like I like it.

Oh, you've still got it!

Thank you.

Can I have the shirts now, please?

Oh, no, this weren't for the shirts, Sol, this was just for me.

-Dionne, man!

-There is something that you can do, though, to get them.

What do you want, Dionne?

So, er... So where did you tell your dad you were?

-Spreading the good news outside the train station.

-Ooh.

-No?

-No.

Look, you know I want that, but...

if it's going to happen, it'll have to be as a threesome, yeah?

For real? A threesome?

Wow.

You know, if you... If you're taking suggestions,

you know your mate Melanie?

You know, cos Melanie by name, melony by...

-You're talking about Jesus, aren't you?

-Yeah.

You want the relief...

..better get the belief.

HE LAUGHS

Oh!

Ahh...

-Wait, what?!

-Come on, Sol.

-Just ask me out.

-Really?

A drink, some dinner.

I might even walk you home.

But then you'll give me the football shirts, yeah?

Yes-uh.

All right.

Well, ask me, then.

Do you want to go out sometime?

Properly, Solomon.

Dionne, would you do me the honour of going out with me sometime?

Of course...

-not.

-Huh?

Dickhead.

No-one dumps Dionne Mackay.

-Carl...

-Dionne, Dionne, Dionne, no, come on!

Dionne, wait!

Aaargh!

OK! OK! Argh!

Please don't hit me, please!

I'm not going to hit you.

Christ, it would be like punching a poppadom.

-What?

-What's the matter with you?

"Yes, Dionne, no, Dionne."

Yeah, but you're basically the same, beating people up for her...

-Argh! I'm sorry!

-But I get paid.

-Oh, OK.

-A lot.

I own a herd of pygmy goats.

-See, that's nice.

-And a bolt gun.

Yep.

You need some self-respect, mate.

Stop relying on other people.

HE COUGHS

You know what?

You're right, you know.

Yeah, you're right.

So can you get me the football shirts?

Saz, you should have seen me, man. I was all like,

"Yo, Dionne, give me them shirts." And she was all,

"Oh, Solomon! Oh, Solomon!"

And I'm like, "Yeah, yeah, you better! You..."

What the...?

Put that on.

OK.

-Why?

-Because of that.

Are you insane now, Saz?

We need some new faces, Sol.

Yeah, you're insane now, Saz.

The people we're planning to put on the stickers and the people we're

planning to sell the stickers to are the same people.

Oh!

Oh! You can't convince people there's a place called Fambia

if they're looking at a sticker with their mum on it.

Exactly.

We need some models who ain't likely

to be down the Fiddle on a Saturday afternoon.

But where are we going to find them?

Church.

Febreze that gusset, Sol.

We've got an audience with Celeste's dad.

Reverend. As you are aware,

church attendances are falling faster

than a woozy groom on You've Been Framed!

Pews are emptier than a Ukip promise.

People are walking away from Christ and towards what?

I think we all know what, brother.

Every weekend, thousands of people leave their homes to worship,

but they're not going to church.

They congregate to sing praise, but not in any cathedral.

Something needs to be done about the blight of association soccer.

-But what?

-Yes, what?

-We are proud to present Souls...

-Not Goals.

An outreach programme where we delve into the pubs and bars

with a series of high-quality visual aids.

Like, say, football stickers featuring real worshippers.

To show the filthy sinners that it's cool to be a player on the team

-that always wins.

-Christianity FC!

The Devil 0-1 Jesus!

Oh, but watch out for them crosses, yeah?

And you're sure this will work?

By the time we're done, you'll be using the synagogue as an overflow.

-Lechaim.

-Mazel tov.

-Well, it sounds marvellous,

but, you know, we don't have any money.

Reverend, please.

Nice needlework, Sol.

Yeah. I used to get my pocket money doing my sister's knick...

Socks.

Saz, can I have a word?

Celeste. Hey, hi.

-Hi.

-Hola.

-Hello.

Don't pull that. It's polyester.

Proverb 20:27 -

"The spirit of man is the candle of the Lord,

"searching all the inward parts of the belly."

-Search all the inward parts of my belly, Saz.

-Oh, yeah.

BANGING

Huh?

Finally, we can do this.

You're meeting with my father,

the outreach programme...

You've obviously decided to live your life in the

-embrace of Jesus Christ.

-Ah, ah, see, see...

UNZIPPING The thing is...

I sort of...I sort of haven't.

-What?

-I mean, it's complicated, but...

the headline is that I sort of haven't embraced Christ.

Saz!

I thought you'd...

Shit, you've got me all...

Can't you just pretend that you've embraced Christ for, like...

-ten minutes?

-Can't you pretend for me?

No, I've told you before, you need to respect my faith.

-Well, maybe you need to respect my lack of it.

-Fine.

-Fine.

Look, I'm getting out of here.

Celeste wants me to f...

Follow her into the kingdom of heaven.

-So what you doing here, bruv?

-She's got Jesus fever.

That's like abs and fruit vodka for Christian girls.

Can't take advantage of that.

-Not yet.

-Not ever.

Except that fuse has already been lit, Saz.

And you see, it will keep burning until one day, boom!

You'll be all,

"Oh, Celeste, tickle my bum-bum while I read Corinthians!"

That's how I ended up here.

Yeah, whatever. Look, let's get these photos done,

get these stickers printed and make some scrilla.

Let's go make some schmoney.

Get some stickers! Get your stickers!

England, Germany, Fambia.

You don't know Fambia? I should bounce a sat nav off your head.

Course Fambia's a real place.

Africa isn't just one country, you know!

Your change, darling.

Schmoney!

Lovely.

Free sticker for you, Rog.

Yeah, stickers looking all smart and ting.

You making some good money?

The best money, bruv.

Hey, we'll be on a breakfast each next week.

Calm down, P Diddy.

What's this Fambia bollocks?

Bollocks? It's not bollocks.

I'm talking to the organ grinder, pal, wind your neck in.

Prove there's a country called Fambia or you're dead.

C-course there's a country called Fambia,

er, cos, erm...

Cos he's from Fambia, innit?

Is that true?

Oui?

I am...

Je suis from Fambia.

Aloha.

And what is it you do in Fambia, mate?

Do?

-I...

-Er, you're a...

You're a plumber or something, ain't you?

-Yeah.

-Like a plasterer.

Oi. Let the man answer for himself.

I am the manager of the Fambian football team.

And what the bloody hell is the manager of the Fambian football team

-doing in here?

-I don't know.

I'll...I'll tell you what he's doing here, he's...

-he's...

-It's obvious, innit, chief?

Gentlemen...and lady.

It is my honour to present a special guest appearance

here at the Cat and Fiddle.

The manager of the Fambian football team, Mr...

..Gordons Amarula.

APPLAUSE

Autographs are a tenner each, yeah? Safe.

-Bruv. That was brilliant!

-I know.

See? There ain't no way a side man could've done that.

-No.

-So who's Ant now, bruv? Hm? Who's Ant now? Hm?

-Who's Ant n...

-HE GASPS

Brother Saz, Solomon.

What a nice surprise.

We decided to come out and save a few souls ourselves.

Great.

Snap.

-You're dead.

-Thought you'd say that.

-On three?

-Why wait?

-Good point.

-What are we going to do?!

-I don't know. Think, Saz!

Argh! Why can you never lock a toilet door, Solomon?

-BANGING ON DOOR

-Shut up, man, they're going to kill us!

Don't worry, I have a plan.

-Get out here now!

-Quick, what's your plan?

It's what I always do in times of trouble.

BANGING CONTINUES

Lord, in your mercy, hear my prayer.

These two young idiot boys

have led me from the path of righteousness

into the valley of stupidness

and I need your help. Amen.

Oh, and hurry up, man. Amen.

So that's all sorted, is it?

Jesus Shawshanking his way up the poop pipe as we speak, yeah?

TOILET FLUSHES

Huh?

Who was that?

Jesus?

DOOR CREAKS

Better than Jesus.

-All right, boys?

-What is this, a stakeout?

No, that wasn't a steak. That'll be Yusaf's coleslaw.

It sounds like you boys need a police escort, huh?

Huh? But that's going to cost you.

-BANGING CONTINUES MAN:

-Get out here now!

All right. You can have...

Erm... Half-price breakfast at Diggins' caff for a month.

What? A week!

-Two weeks.

-Done.

-Three weeks.

-Done.

-Still got it.

Never a side man, bruv.

All right, flock. Gather safe behind the shepherd.

# Onward, Christian soldiers

# Marching as to war

# With the cross of Jesus... #

That idiot Diggins, man.

"It was a miracle! It was a miracle!"

Nah, bruv, it was just a copper with the runs!

I don't know, Sol.

-Huh?

-Diggins prayed and Snitchard just appeared.

I mean, how do you explain that, hm?

Ha! There it is!

What? What are you talking about?

The fuse has burnt down and boom!

"Oh, Celeste!"

Nah, nah. See, I just think you need to be open-minded

-about these things, is all.

-It's all right, Saz.

You just stared death in the face and you want to celebrate by getting

your ting! Get your ting!

It's just that there are certain phenomena in this world

that we don't truly understand and I just really want to have some sex.

Hello?

Hello, Celeste!

Praise be!

Hallelujah!

Chief...

HE RETCHES

Celeste dumped you?

Mm.

Cos you scammed her dad's church?

Mm.

And you got him into a pub fight?

-Mm.

-Mm.

-Minty bolognese?

-No.

# Watch me dance

# Your type of chemistry

# Hypnotising me

# Hey, I said next to mine

# I got to let you know

# Move it next to mine

# Watch, watch me dance. #