The Celebrity Voicemail Show


The Celebrity Voicemail Show

Imagining what the voicemails left on celebrity answerphones could sound like. In this episode, messages that might have been left for George Lucas while shooting Star Wars.


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Transcript


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Star Wars is number one at the box office.

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Star Wars breaks box office records yet again.

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George Lucas's Star Wars is the must-see movie of the summer.

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And it's all down to director, George Lucas.

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-George Lucas.

-George Lucas...

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This way, Mr Lucas. This is your room.

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Thank you.

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Have a nice stay.

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DOOR SHUTS

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-You have eight new messages.

-BEEP

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Hi, George! It's Marcie calling from the production office.

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I hope you had a pleasant flight, and have arrived safe and sound at

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the, er, the Royal Tunisia Hotel.

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You'll be there for the next two weeks,

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then you're moving on to Elstree Studios in England.

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Now, I did speak to the concierge at the Royal Tunisia - a lovely man,

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Mustafa. Now, he says he knows that the room you're in at the moment is

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a little on the small side,

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however, he's looking to move you to a larger room.

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The only trouble is that the larger room has a slight issue with the

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drainage, so he's getting that fixed

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and he'll get you moved as soon as possible.

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PHONE RINGS Sorry, one moment.

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-Do you want me to take it?

-No, I'll take it.

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-Hello, production office.

-Oh, hi there. Do you have a few moments to

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-talk about your laundry detergent?

-Thank you - no, I'm not interested.

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-Would there be a better time?

-No, no - please do not call here again.

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-If I could just ask you...

-Thank you, no!

-Would there...

-Thank you!

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Sorry about that, George. Right, where was I?

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Oh, yes. OK, so most of the principal cast have arrived.

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Harrison Ford, Mark Hamill - what a sweetheart he is -

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and who's playing the trash can?

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-Trash can?

-You know, the little - who's playing the little...

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-Kenny Baker.

-Oh, Kenny Baker - that's it, sorry.

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Now, Alec Guinness will be joining you, er, in the next couple of days.

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However, his agent really wanted to talk to you regarding his deal,

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and so he'll be giving you a call about that.

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Now, the latest draft of the script has been distributed,

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however, Harrison wanted to talk to you about a couple of the scenes.

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He, ah, he, ah... BANGING AND SHOUTING

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Yeah, he's not happy. But, you know, he never is, darling,

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but that's why you cast him. PHONE RINGS

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He's going to be a big star. Sorry, one moment.

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-Do you want me to take it?

-No, I'll take it.

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-Production office.

-Oh, hi there.

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-Do have a moment to talk about...

-I'm not interested, thank you!

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Now, George, we do have a slight issue, er, regarding the Jawa scene.

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-Is that right - Jawa?

-It's Jawa.

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Yeah, the Jawa scene.

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I know I promised you 15 dwarf actors by Wednesday,

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however it seems that Tunisia is suffering a dwarf actor shortage.

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OK, George. Well, listen, I won't take up any more of your time.

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Have a great shoot in Tunisia,

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and I'll see you in Elstree Studios in a couple of weeks.

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SHOUTING

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Oh, and remember - it's only a movie, George! Toodles!

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-Do you want me to take that? It's Anthony Daniels.

-No, I'll take it.

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Anthony, darling, how can I help?

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Next new message.

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George, hello, it's Jacques in hair and make-up.

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I need to talk to you about... KNOCK ON DOOR

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Come in? I really need to talk to you about...

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KNOCK ON DOOR Come in!

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I really need to talk about...

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KNOCK ON DOOR Come in!

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-I'm here for hair and make-up?

-Yes, yes, fine. Take a seat over there.

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-I'll be with you in a moment.

-Sorry?

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I said take a seat over there, I'll be with you in a moment!

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Oh, right - thank you.

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Sorry, George, my 2.30 has arrived.

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-I'm going to have to call you back.

-Sorry - where?

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Next new message.

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BEEP

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Mr Lucas, hello there.

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This is John Millins.

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I represent Sir Alec Guinness, who is portraying the role of...

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..Benjamin Kenobi in your production.

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Now, the reason that I'm calling is I have spoken to Sir Alec at great

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length regarding his deal, and we feel that...

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PHONE BUZZES Sorry, one moment.

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-Yes?

-Anthony Daniels is on the phone.

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-Who?

-Anthony Daniels - you represent him.

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Well, tell him I'll call him back.

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Righto!

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Sorry about that, Mr Lucas.

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So as I was saying, after much deliberation with Sir Alec,

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we feel that...

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PHONE BUZZES Sorry, one moment.

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-Yes?

-It's Anthony Daniels - he really needs to speak to you.

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-Well, what does he want?

-He says his costume's so tight he can't

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breathe and he's being bullied by a dwarf.

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Tell him to take it up with the costume department,

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-I haven't got time!

-Righto!

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Apologies. As I was saying, Mr Lucas,

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after much deliberation with Sir Alec we feel that...

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PHONE BUZZES One moment!

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-Now, look here!

-No, wait, I just...

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You tell Anthony Daniels that if he'd taken his agent's advice in the

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-first place...

-I just...

-Instead

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of flying off to Tunisia for a silly little space film...

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-I just wanted...

-He could've been earning £75 a week...

-But I...

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..at Stratford-upon-Avon in repertory!

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I just wanted to know if you wanted any lunch.

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Oh. Well, I'll have a small pork pie, please.

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Small pork pie.

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-And a Vimto.

-And a Vimto - righto!

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As I was saying, after much deliberation with Sir Alec,

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we have decided to accept your measly, pathetic,

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paltry little offer of 1% of all profits from this production,

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and any subsequent sequels,

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televisual exploitations, merchandising, etc,

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ad finitum - should it make a profit, of course,

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although judging by the latest draft of the script,

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I won't be holding my breath.

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Have a good shoot, Mr Lucas, and, er, see you at the premiere...

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..if there is one. Goodbye!

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Next new message.

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Mr Lucas, hello there.

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This is Mustafa, concierge of the Royal Tunisia Hotel.

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But the reason I wanted to give you a call is just to welcome you to the

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Royal Tunisia Hotel, and also to say...

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PHONE RINGS Sorry, one moment, please.

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-Royal Tunisia Hotel.

-Hi, this is Carrie Fisher -

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can you tell me which room Mr Ford is in, please?

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Mr Ford? Ah, yes.

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-Gibril?

-Yeah?

-Which room Mr Ford in?

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-216.

-Mr Ford in room 216, Madame.

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Would you like to leave a...

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SHE HANGS UP

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Sorry about that, Mr Lucas.

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As I was saying, basically the room we have put you in at the moment,

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er, what we are planning to do is to put you in a far superior room,

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however, the far superior room we wish to move you to is...

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PHONE RINGS Sorry - one moment, please.

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Royal Tunisia Hotel.

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Yeah, this is Carrie Fisher again.

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-Are you sure he's in that room?

-Yes, Mr Ford definitely in room 216.

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-Well, no-one there.

-You have knocked?

-Yeah, I fucking knocked.

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Madame, would you like to leave a... SHE HANGS UP

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Sorry about that, Mr Lucas. As I was saying,

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the room that we are planning to move you to, a very superior room,

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however, the superior room we are planning to do put you in,

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it has a slight issue with drainage,

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which we have one of our most talented plumbers working on to fix

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the situation, and we'll be giving you a call as soon as the problem is

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-resolved. So I...

-Hello?

-Sorry - one moment, please.

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-Hello?

-Hello?

-Hello?

-Hello?

-Hello.

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-Hello!

-Ah! Hello there, sir - sorry, I did not see you down there.

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-How can I help?

-Yeah, can you tell me where the toilet is, please?

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Ah, toilets - yes, certainly. Down the corridor, second on the left.

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-Thank you.

-Second on the left?

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-Yeah, second on the left.

-Right. Does it have a step?

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-Sorry about that, Mr Lucas.

-Sorry, does it have a step?

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-Yeah, anyway, I hope you have...

-Hello!

-..a wonderful stay with us...

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-Hello?

-..at the Royal Tunisia Hotel...

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And very good luck with your Hollywood filming.

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-Typical!

-If you ever need a Tunisian actor,

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then look no further than concierge Mustafa...

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Are you looking with me, are you looking with me?

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Yes, I am! Yeah.

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Anyway. Lovely to speak to you, and see you soon, I hope. Bye-bye!

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PHONE RINGS Royal Tunisia Hotel!

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Next new message.

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Do we have him?

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Is he there?

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-We have him?

-OK, you're on.

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Hey, George!

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How's it going, buddy?

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Mike Barillion here at the studio.

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Hope you had a pleasant flight to, er...

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-Where'd he fly to?

-Tunisia.

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Tunisia - awesome! And you're going to be there for, er...

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-How long is he there for?

-Two weeks.

-Two weeks!

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Wow. This is gonna rock!

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So, dude, er, listen, I got a couple of people here with me -

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they want to say hello.

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Dave Lambert is here.

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-Hi, George.

-The wonderful Suzanne Maher is also joining us.

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Hey, George, lovely to have you.

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And, last but not least, Rudy Weinbag is here.

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-Hi, George.

-OK, George.

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So, we've all read the latest draft of the script.

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Great script. And we loved it - right?

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-Loved it!

-Right, right - am I right?

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-Terrific.

-Awesome.

-Well done.

-Really, incredible.

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Just the way that you - oh!

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It's just so...

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-Spacey.

-Yeah, and the scene...

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-Love that space.

-With the big dog...

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-Love that dog.

-Ah, hilarious.

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-Genius!

-Is he going to bark? I hope so.

-He's gotta bark.

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-This film is going to rock.

-Absolutely.

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Now, listen, OK, we wanted to talk soundtrack for the movie.

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-Very important.

-Now, look. I know you've had your heart set

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-on John Williams.

-Great guy.

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We love John, don't we?

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-Love him!

-We love John, right?

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-Oh, yeah.

-John is awesome.

-Awesome.

-John is incredible.

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-He's incredible.

-The only thing about John is...

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-He's not right.

-He's a little too...

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-He's not right.

-He's kind of a bit more...

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-He's not right.

-You know...

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-He's not right.

-Disaster movie, killer-sharky type of guy.

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-Too classical.

-So what we were thinking - hear us out...

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-Hear us out, George.

-OK? Two words - ready?

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Space funk.

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-It's a winner.

-Sure-fire hit.

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Two weeks ago, I meet a guy at a party in Malibu,

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he tells me he's a musician.

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I say, "Oh, yeah, what kind of stuff?"

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He says, "Blaxploitation movies."

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I say, "Really? That's strange, cos I'm doing this movie set in space."

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I gave him a copy of the script.

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He gives me a call two days ago, says, "You got to hear this."

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I said, "You got to hear what?"

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Well, you got to hear this, George.

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Are you ready? Are you ready?

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OK. In your own time, guys. Hit it.

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# In a galaxy far, far away

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# There was a kid called Luke Skywalkay

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# He met an Obi-Wan A Han Solay

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# Darth Vader his warmth to betray

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# The Star Wars

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# This is the Star Wars

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# Is that the Star Wars?

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# This is the Star Wars

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# Right

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# Now from Tatooine is where Luke is came

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# All aboard the Millenium Falkay

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# Along with Obi-Wan

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# A Princess Leia

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# Forget the Dark Side use the Force in the day

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# That's the Star Wars

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# This is the Star Wars

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# Is that the Star Wars?

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# This is the Star Wars

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# Right. #

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Yes!

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Yeah, whoo!

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Awesome, dude! Great job, baby!

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Great job! Was I right, George? Was I right?

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This guy's going to rock your movie, man!

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I got a good feeling about this, yeah!

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Take it easy, buddy.

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You guys do Bar Mitzvahs?

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Next new message.

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What an incredible hotel you've discovered.

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Yeah, it's Harrison. I just got the latest draft of the script, George.

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"She's the ship that made the Kessel Run in less than 12 parsecs"?

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-What's a parsec?

-I think it's a unit of distance.

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Shut up. Listen, George, I respect you, OK?

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So don't take this the wrong way.

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You can type this shit, George, you can't say it.

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-I love you.

-I know.

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-Next new message.

-Mr Lucas, hello there. This is Mike O'Malley.

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I'm chief set builder at Elstree Film Studios.

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BANGING AND HAMMERING

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I've been asked to give you a little tinkle by your lovely production

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manager just to give you an update on the...

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Do you mind keeping it down for a second?!

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I'm on the blower!

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-Huh?

-I said, I'm on the blower, do you mind keeping it down?!

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-Oh, right, sorry.

-It's all right, thanks.

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Huh?

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I said, thanks!

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Sorry about that, Mr Lucas.

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So, anyway, yeah, I've been asked to give you an update on the state of

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the sets being built at present.

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We're currently about to finish building on the Minnel...

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The Minnel... The Minnely...

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..the spaceship.

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And to be honest, it's looking absolutely fantastic.

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We're just putting the finishing touches to the cockpit.

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You've got your blinky lights in there,

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-you've got your flashy lights...

-Fancy a cup of tea, darling?

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I'd love one. Milk, three sugars, please.

0:12:460:12:47

-Milk, three sugars coming up.

-How are you, darling?

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You all right? I'll have an apricot tart as well.

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-Oh, I bet you will, darling.

-And a Mint Club.

-And a Mint Club.

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Sorry about that, Mr Lucas.

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So, anyway, the cockpit's looking fantastic. The only thing

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I would say is... DRILLING

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Do you mind keeping it down for a second?! I'm on

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-the blower!

-Oh, right, sorry!

-Thank you!

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-Three sugars, darling.

-Thanks very much.

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The only thing I would say, Mr Lucas, regarding the cockpit,

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is that when you're stood inside the cockpit of the Minnel...

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The Minnel... The spaceship, it's looking a little blue.

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-What are you doing?!

-I hope you don't mind.

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I got one of the boys to give it a nice lick of black paint for you.

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That should give it that outer space look you're going for.

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OK, Mr Lucas, I've got to get back to it, my tea's getting cold.

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SHOUTING IN BACKGROUND Have a lovely shoot in Tunisia

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and I'll see you when you get to Elstree.

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I said a Mint Club! This is orange!

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MAN SCREAMS

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THUD!

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Bye.

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Next new message.

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Mr Lucas, hello there. This is the hotel handyman. Listen, I'm just in

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your new suite at the moment, but it's not looking too pretty,

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to be honest. Just give it a one flush, please.

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PLUMBING GROANS LIKE A WOOKIEE

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I try the sink tap. GROANING CONTINUES

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It's not sounding too pretty. So I would suggest perhaps that you

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stay in the room that you have for the time being. Most apologies

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and we'll try and get this fixed first thing tomorrow.

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OK, Mr Lucas.

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Next new message.

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Hello there.

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This is a message for Mr Lucas.

0:14:250:14:27

Um, hello there, Mr Lucas, this is Colin,

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head of security at Elstree Film Studios.

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How are you today, sir? I'm very fine, thanks for asking!

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You're not really asking cos I'm talking to a...

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Yeah, anyway, never mind.

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According to the timetable here, sir, yeah,

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your production will be starting with us in two weeks today in fact.

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Oh, that's 14 days.

0:14:500:14:51

14 days till our next production, Norman.

0:14:510:14:54

Norman? Yeah, never mind.

0:14:540:14:56

Yeah, so the reason that I'm calling, sir, is...

0:14:560:14:58

PHONE BUZZES Sorry, one second.

0:14:580:15:00

Elstree Studios security, hi, how can I help?

0:15:030:15:05

-Say something.

-You say something.

0:15:060:15:09

Elstree Studios?

0:15:090:15:11

You say something.

0:15:110:15:12

Ah...

0:15:120:15:13

Sorry about that, Mr Lucas.

0:15:150:15:17

As I'm sure you know, we do have a number of very high-profile

0:15:170:15:21

celebrity guests working with us

0:15:210:15:23

here at Elstree International Film Studios,

0:15:230:15:26

and that is why, sir, we value security very highly indeed.

0:15:260:15:30

You don't get more vigilant in this business than Norman and myself,

0:15:300:15:34

especially, you know, in the current climate, where every Tom,

0:15:340:15:38

Dick and Paddy is...

0:15:380:15:39

PHONE BUZZES Sorry, two seconds.

0:15:390:15:41

Elstree Studios security here.

0:15:430:15:45

-IRISH ACCENT:

-Aye, it's Bruce Forsyth here.

0:15:450:15:47

Mr Forsyth, sir, how are you today, sir?

0:15:470:15:48

Good game, good game. Listen, yous wouldn't happen to have

0:15:480:15:51

-a parking space for me van?

-Parking space, absolutely, sir.

0:15:510:15:54

-Norman, what parking space do we have for Mr Forsyth today?

-12.

0:15:540:15:58

Parking space number 12 for you, sir.

0:15:580:16:00

-Didn't you do well? Thanks very much.

-My pleasure, sir, absolutely.

0:16:000:16:04

Have a lovely day, and nice to see you, to see you nice.

0:16:040:16:06

Yeah, good one, mate.

0:16:060:16:08

TYRES SCREECH

0:16:080:16:10

Sorry about that, Mr Lucas.

0:16:100:16:11

As I was saying, very much looking forward to seeing you

0:16:110:16:13

in a couple of weeks, and in the meantime,

0:16:130:16:15

if you do need any help with directing tips,

0:16:150:16:19

then look no further than Colin, innit?

0:16:190:16:21

Action, cut.

0:16:210:16:22

Do it again, but do it a bit faster.

0:16:220:16:24

I'm sure you're more sophisticated than that.

0:16:260:16:28

Anyway, have a nice shoot and I'll see you in a couple of weeks.

0:16:280:16:31

Bye-bye!

0:16:310:16:32

Next new message.

0:16:320:16:33

George, how are you today?

0:16:350:16:36

It's Jack again calling from hair and make-up.

0:16:360:16:38

Listen, I'm really sorry, but I need to talk to you

0:16:380:16:40

about Carrie Fisher's haircut for the film.

0:16:400:16:42

-You see... Eyes forward, thank you.

-Sorry.

-I said to Carrie,

0:16:420:16:44

"How do you want your hair for the film?" She says, "I don't know."

0:16:440:16:47

I say, "Up? I put it up." She says, "I don't like it."

0:16:470:16:49

Put it down, she don't like it. I say, "Round the ears?"

0:16:490:16:51

-Eyes forward, thank you.

-Sorry.

-I say, "Around the ears." She says,

0:16:510:16:54

"I'll think about it." I say, "Think about it? You're filming next week."

0:16:540:16:57

Eyes forward, please, thank you!

0:16:570:16:59

-Sorry.

-I'm very stressed. You're going to have to call me back.

0:16:590:17:02

Next new message.

0:17:020:17:03

Mr Lucas, how you doing, man!

0:17:040:17:07

It's myself, myself! Now listen, Mr Lucas,

0:17:070:17:11

a little birdie tells me that you're in Tunisia making a Hollywood film

0:17:110:17:16

and somebody needs little peoples!

0:17:160:17:19

Listen, Mr Lucas, why you no come to myself before, huh?

0:17:190:17:24

I always make the little people for the Hollywood film.

0:17:240:17:27

I do the Oompa Loompas, I do the Knicknacks.

0:17:270:17:30

Hey, hey. I also do the little person in the red coats...

0:17:300:17:34

Hey, hey. More champagne here, please!

0:17:340:17:37

Listen, when you come down here,

0:17:370:17:39

I'm going to bring you to the nightclub,

0:17:390:17:42

I'm going to show you a hot time in Tunisia.

0:17:420:17:45

You ever met my friend Sidney?

0:17:450:17:48

He's a real high cat!

0:17:480:17:50

Yeah, that's right!

0:17:500:17:51

Argh!

0:17:510:17:53

Aargh...

0:17:530:17:55

I'll get you back!

0:17:550:17:58

You have no more messages.

0:17:580:18:01

Goodbye.

0:18:010:18:03

# Now from Tatooine is where Luke is came

0:18:050:18:08

# All aboard the Millenium Falkay

0:18:080:18:10

# Along with Obi-Wan A Princess Leia

0:18:100:18:13

# Forget the Dark Side use the Force in the day

0:18:130:18:15

# That's the Star Wars

0:18:150:18:17

# This is the Star Wars

0:18:170:18:19

# Is that the Star Wars?

0:18:190:18:21

# This is the Star Wars

0:18:210:18:23

# Right. #

0:18:230:18:24

Bafta Award-winning Kayvan Novak has adapted his critically acclaimed Radio 4 comedy, The Celebrity Voicemail Show, for BBC Three. The programme imagines what it would be like to listen to the voicemails left on a celebrity's answerphone.

In this episode, Kayvan imagines the answerphone messages that might have been left for George Lucas midway through his hectic, and often shambolic, first phase of shooting on Star Wars in the Tunisian desert. From Alec Guinness's agent quibbling over a percentage of the unfinished film's gross profits, to an inept special effects technician struggling to find a sound suitable for 'the electric swords'.


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