Cousin Pratheep Asian Provocateur

This programme contains some strong language.

I always wanted to go to America with you to see the family.

It's going to be shit.

SCREAMING

I am going on a trip of a lifetime, except I've got to take my mum.

This trip is about getting to know the part of my family

who ended up settling in North America.

Seeing what my life might have been like if my mum and dad hadn't

selected the delights of Crawley.

Oh, my God! Oh, shit!

Come on!

Last summer when we went to Sri Lanka,

I did what my mum told me to do,

but this time we're doing what I want to do.

SCREAMING AND LAUGHTER

-Do you feel like you're in control?

-No.

There's no more mad religious ceremonies...

HE WAILS

..there's no more me getting beaten up...

..there's no more me falling victim to family pressure.

Would you prefer that your mother was not on this trip?

This time I'm in charge.

We're doing what I want to do on this trip.

I mean, obviously, I haven't actually told my mum that.

-I'm the Asian Provocateur.

-Who the hell am I, then?

The Asian Provocateur's mum.

Oh, my God!

Jesus!

Oh, fucking hell, mate.

So Pratheep is Dad's older brother's son, right,

-and he's about my age?

-Yeah, yeah, that's right.

So basically he's the American equivalent of me.

You could say that, if you want to, yeah.

I just think, you know, we're in Florida,

I'm hanging out with Pratheep, we're going to be doing some American...

like, cool American stuff, typical American things.

I just think there's certain things...

We don't need to be together the whole time, do you know what I mean?

The whole point is, Romesh, to spend time together, me and you.

Yeah, but I just think some of it will just be separate, Mum.

Otherwise we're going to get on each other's nerves.

No, I don't think so.

(24 hours every day with Mum. Sounds amazing.)

What are you mumbling?

I just said it sounds like it's going to be a wonderful time...

-Oh, thank you so much.

-..with us together the whole time.

Together to the whole time. OK. What a lovely thing to say.

I know. It's also a lie.

# Allow me to reintroduce myself

# My name is Hov

# H-to-the-O-V

# I used to move snowflakes by the OZ

# I guess even back then you can call me

# CEO of the R-O-C, Hov! #

Well, this week we're in Florida and it's all about meeting Pratheep

and doing some American stuff.

I've got a little sort of side operation and that is...

to... I'm just trying to think of the best way to describe...

to jettison Mum.

First of all, I've set up quite a sweet ride to drive around Tampa in.

Thank you!

-You're very welcome!

-Beautiful ride.

So the plan is - show my mum the nice, sweet ride,

she gets all excited, I take her and show her this cool thing

that I want her to be at and hang out at, and she loves it,

I go off, hang out with Pratheep, party time.

Rom and Pratheep hitting the town. Ooh! Ooh!

I feel like singing that Welcome To Miami.

-Why don't you sing that for me?

-Because, Mum...

-We are not in Miami.

-No.

-We are in Orlando.

-No.

-Tampa?

-Yes.

-Yes!

-Well done, you've identified which town we're in.

-You think you are so clever. You prep yourself.

-I don't prep myself.

-I book the tickets...

-Yeah?

I arrive somewhere and then I continue

-to be aware of what town I'm in.

-Oh, OK.

-It's just a thing I do.

And the weird thing is, I don't even have to try, it just happens.

I've got this little thing lined up,

we go to this little retirement home.

What I'm doing is, I'm finding a nice place,

I'm showing her around, I'm going to show her all the facilities,

all the stuff they've got there, and then I'm going to say,

"Surprise!

"You're staying here."

Surprise number two.

Surprise number two. Can't wait!

-Are you Ernie?

-I'm Ernie, yep.

-Hello. Romesh.

-Romesh.

-Nice to meet you.

-This is my mum, Shanthi.

-Shanthi.

-Welcome to Sun City Center.

-Thank you.

We're a 53-year-old community, established for people who

are looking for a retirement area, over 55, with something to do.

-Jump on.

-OK.

-OK...

Now, this is our outdoor pool. This is open for all the residents.

Really nice, isn't it?

Outdoor and indoor pool. Oh, wow!

You don't think you're leaving me here, are you?

-What do you mean?

-Why did you bring me here?

We're just having a look around, Mum.

'I'm worried she's going to get angry because if she thinks

'that I've brought her here and I'm

'just properly going to dump her there,

'she's going to lose her shit, man.'

-DIRECTOR:

-But that is what you've done.

-That's not what I'm doing...

It's a treat. It's a surprise, like the car.

-Car...

-Aren't you just replacing the word "dump" with "treat"?

-Any questions you might have?

-Do you have any questions?

No, I'm happy with your explanation. It's lovely here.

OK, well, let's go and look at the rest of the atrium down this way.

OK.

'The long and short of it is, I've arranged to meet Pratheep

'and do some shit with him,'

so this is going to have to land.

-What's going on?

-What do you mean?

We're just going to have a look at the...

..accommodation.

-Romy.

-Yeah?

-You're not going to put me in that place, are you?

We're just having a look around, Mum.

Looking around...

-Hi!

-Hello.

-How are you?

-How are you?

-What a day you must have had.

-Yeah!

-Would you like to see your room?

-Oh, yeah.

-Yes, please.

-This is...

-Patriotic.

How did you decide on the decor?

This is people that devote their life to keeping us all safe.

I said, "How did you come up with the decor?"

And she just showed a nice little card.

That looks nice, the card.

Don't take that as a theme to do the whole room like that.

Jeez, thank God nobody gave her a little swastika badge.

God know what it would look like.

-So you guys settle in and relax.

-Oh, OK. Thank you.

Surprise!

This is where you're staying this week.

Don't leave me here alone.

HE EXHALES

# I'm gonna pop some tags

# Only got 20 in my pocket. #

What made you think putting me in an old people's home is a surprise?

-First of all...

-Who is going to like it?

Mum, to you it's not an old people's home,

-it's a people's home.

-Listen to me...

-Three swimming pools, a gym...

..nobody wants to get old and you are reminding me,

"You are getting old, so I'm looking for a place for you to settle down."

-Shut up!

-It's not a place for you to settle down, it's a place...

Don't mention getting old, OK?

-It's a place for you...

-Nobody wants to get old, OK?

-It's a place...

-Two days is enough, one day is enough.

One week... Piss off.

OK, look, fine, you can share my room at the hotel.

-Mum, Pratheep says he's going to, like, organise... Mum?

-Yeah?

Pratheep says he's going to organise loads of proper American stuff,

-like monster trucks...

-Yeah?

-..food-eating competitions.

Are you excited that he's organised...

Well, I just think it will be cool.

He's not going to tell me details.

-He's just saying he's going to sort it all out.

-Mm-hm.

What do Americans do? Eat, cars...

They do a lot of things.

They do research on food and some of them are growing their own herbs.

'Erbs. They're not only running around in cars and things.

No, you're right, actually.

I might tell him, "Cancel the food competition and the monster trucks,

-"we want to grow some herbs..."

-'Erbs.

-"..and do some food research."

-OK. That's it.

-That's good.

Well, that's that day ruined.

Pratheep!

-What's going on?

-Hi.

-How are you? Nice to finally meet you.

Well, I'm looking forward to what we're going to be doing.

-We're going to be hanging out and stuff.

-Yeah.

So I've got a bunch of things planned for us.

-The reason why I've brought you here is because they have a contest.

-Oh, a food contest?

-Right.

Sweet. That's American.

I thought that not only could you do it, but you could win it.

-You know why?

-Why?

-Because it's about spicy food.

-We have a challenger. This is Jenny.

-Hi.

-Romesh.

Nice to meet you.

Just a little bit bigger than I thought I was going to get you.

Jesus Christ, man!

First of all, when it arrived the smell is...

unacceptable.

It was like some noodles and just pureed

naga ghost pepper chillies.

The simple rules of the soup are, you can't shit yourself.

You can't shit yourself?

You cannot shit yourself. You will lose.

You can't share with anybody at the table, you can't put

-anything into that soup. OK?

-OK, great. Thank you.

-It's very simple.

-Yeah. Are we allowed to start?

-Yes, by all means.

HE COUGHS

Come on, you can do this.

It's horrible!

-She's 300lb less than you.

-It's so hot, man.

-It's hot.

-Put your mouth to the bowl...

-Unbearable.

-..and tip it.

Romesh! Romesh!

Oh, my God!

What are you doing?

Look, I see no liquid in hers almost.

-DIRECTOR:

-Are you all right, Rom?

HE COUGHS

-Stop eating, Jenny!

-She's way ahead of you now.

You were quite rude to everyone.

It tastes like Satan's dick.

-Who was I rude to?

-The guy.

What guy? I hate you.

-Why are you angry at me?

-I don't think I was rude to him.

I certainly wasn't rude to Jenny.

-Whoever's lower wins.

-Fuck you.

Yes, I did say, "Fuck you," to her but that was part of a...

We'd built up a rapport by that point.

When you cough, you're bringing up the spice.

-Don't start advising me. Just stick to your own soup, all right?

-I will.

-DIRECTOR:

-Out of all the American things I could think of,

chilli-eating I'd actually say is one of the things

you'd be all right at.

Why would I be all right at it?

-My stomach feels like it's on fire, man.

-Quit.

Oh, God.

Why do you think I'd be all right at it more than anything else?

Because? Go on.

-Oh, my God!

-Hey, Mickey, give me a soya milk.

What particularly about me made you think

that I'd be good at eating spicy food?

-Sri Lankan heritage.

-Sri Lankan heritage, there we go.

Why don't you just do that, mate?

HE COUGHS

I'm done, man. I can't do it.

Well done, Jenny!

Congratulations.

HE COUGHS AND RETCHES

Oh, my God!

It feels like my stomach's on fire, man. I can't explain it.

I can't explain.

-Are you OK?

-Yeah. I'm going back to the hotel.

What about me?

-You're going to have to share my room.

-OK.

-Don't expect to get any sleep.

-Why?

-You'll be farting?

-I'll be more than farting, Mum!

Jesus Christ.

When you're doing the poo-poos, I will stay outside.

Don't say "poo-poos", Mum.

I swear to God.

HE RETCHES

-Mum.

-Yeah?

-I've asked Pratheep to sort out some monster truck stuff.

Oh, my God. Are you sure?

I'm not sure but I'm just saying I'll be willing to do it.

You'll be really nervous, Romesh. I know you.

Remember Dad lost a key and he tried to lift you up

and put you through the little window?

You refused, remember?

You started crying.

-Remember that?

-Yeah.

In there...

-Who puts their kid through a window?

-You cried and cried.

-Because my dad was going to put me through the window.

-Yeah.

What are you talking about? And then you make it a story

and then I'm getting humiliated.

HE MIMICS SHANTHI: "A funny one...

"A funny one - Ranga locked out and then we tried to put

"Romesh through the window. He started crying!"

Unbelievable, mate.

We're on location for the Mad Max sequel.

I wouldn't say I like big cars.

I mean, I drive a Meriva. It's quite big.

But the only reason I got that is Mumsnet said it's

the best one if you've got three kids.

-How are you doing?

-Pratheep. Nice to meet you. This is Romesh.

This is the owner of the Yeti. This is Mike Collius.

-Hello, Mike. I'm Romesh.

-How's it going?

-Nice to meet you, man.

-Yes, sir.

-We want to take her for a ride.

Have you got a ladder or something? No, you climb the tyres.

-No, you claim the tyres.

-Climb the tyres?

-Climb the tyres.

-DIRECTOR:

-Why's your mum not here?

My mum is hanging out at the retirement home.

She's just chilling out there for a couple of hours while I do this.

You saw how she liked the retirement thing. She liked it.

So, how fast does this go? Jesus!

Shit!

-DIRECTOR:

-It's just that this is meant to be a road trip

-with your mum.

-She doesn't like monster trucks, mate.

Jesus!

Shit!

-Oh, look at that, guys.

-Shit!

Oh, my God! Dude...

Oh, my God!

-DIRECTOR:

-Rom, your mum called.

-What did she say?

-She's asking where you are.

-What should I tell her?

-Take her away!

Whoo! Yes, mate!

Whoo! Come on!

Brake, down, accelerate, right?

-Yes.

-And you reckon... I'll clear this doing? That'll be fine?

-DIRECTOR:

-Rom!

-Yeah?

-What are you doing?

-I'll see you in a bit.

I'm almost done.

Oh, my gosh!

Shit!

Shit! Shit! Shit!

THEY LAUGH

I'll be honest with you, I'm properly like...

Like, yeah, genuinely surprised and a little bit buzzing.

HE SCREAMS

If you'd have said to me at the beginning of the day,

"You're going to hang out with, like..."

(Well, basically rednecks.) I wouldn't have believed you.

Shit! Shit!

Oh, my God!

Dude! Dude!

Every one of them has been really nice to me. I like them a lot.

They're great guys. I mean, don't get me wrong,

they wouldn't want me as a future son-in-law.

I imagine... I could imagine I could break it just in the second.

We're all getting on and I go, "She's quite fit."

"I'm sorry?!"

Cue fucking Benny Hill music as I run off into the distance.

-So how's your day been?

-Apart from that last bit, great.

-Can you handle one more thing?

-Is it like that?

It's what we call stress relieving.

GUNSHOTS

It's the loudness that's shocking you.

It's also the gun.

AR-15 223.

An AK-47.

-I want you to operate it.

-No, no...

I want you to trust me with this one.

No, I do trust you but I'm happy to watch you.

It's such a difficult thing because they're nice guys

but that was mental,

and then they started getting annoyed at me because I didn't want

to hold... I didn't want to shoot the gun.

-I'd really like you to shoot it.

-I know.

-Just once.

-I'm cool.

Then you can go back home and tell everybody you shot an AR-15.

-I've been shooting since I was four years old.

-Right.

My first gun was a .22 calibre rifle.

-This is a compound bow.

-OK.

-It's very, very deadly.

-Very rarely deadly?

-Very, very deadly.

-Oh, very, very deadly.

-Yes.

These are razor sharp. When they hit on impact, they open up...

..and it makes a hole that big.

-Holy...

-(And quietly.)

Did you chop that thing in two?

Well, I'm sure there was a couple of the holes in it but I intentionally

-tried blowing it in half for you.

-Well, thank you very much, Jim.

That was absolutely mental, mate. Look at that.

That's a broken bit of wood because an AK-47 ripped it in two.

That's one of 57 guns that Jim owns.

They're nice guys but...

I think there won't be a second date, that's what I'm saying.

I think we had a nice evening but I'm not going to be going

back to the Island of Fernando.

All right, Pratheep. I'm done. What are we doing next?

We're going to try and get you into a frat party but I think you

need to do a frat initiation first.

What do they do in a frat initiation?

Drinking, putting things up your ass. Stuff like that.

-I'm not having anything up my arse, mate.

-It'll be fun.

As long as you've cleared it with your mum. It's OK?

Yeah, she's fine. I spoke to her. She's totally cool.

GUNSHOTS Shit!

THEY LAUGH

KNOCK AT DOOR

-DIRECTOR:

-It's after 12, mate. Pratheep's waiting downstairs.

I feel like shit.

Nice pants.

How was last night?

# 99 problems but ... ain't one. #

The shit they had me do last night.

-ALL:

-Chug! Chug! Chug!

-"It's called the shotgun." ALL:

-Chug! Chug! Chug!

I went to utterly battered like that.

This is Betsy, our flamingo.

-Flabongo time.

-Flabongo.

-What's a Flabongo?

-Well, what they think it is.

Oh, my God! Oh, shit!

If you drink out of a pink plastic flamingo...

Here comes the beak, all right?

..that makes it better.

-Oh, you got it, man. You got it.

-Come on.

-You got it.

You got it.

Why am I doing that?

Oh, God!

Well, they took me outside...

and then they said...

All right, so P tells me that you really want

-to come to one of our parties, yeah?

-Yeah.

I tell you what, in order to go about this,

you've got to take off the shirt.

-I'll hold it for you.

-Go on, take it off, man.

I tell you what, with the shirt, we're only halfway there.

You've got the bottom half to go, too.

-Anyway, where's your mum?

-You'll get complaints about that.

There you go. Hey, it fits the shoe, man. It fits the shoe.

It brings a whole new meaning to five-dollar footlong.

-We'll do it tastefully.

-Huh?

-We'll do it tastefully.

-I don't give consent.

-You can keep the socks on...

I don't give a shit about the socks, dude.

Where's your mum?

My mum will kick your arse if she finds out

that you allow boot-dick footage to be released.

-I'm not going to hold that.

-You can go ahead and leave them.

Got to walk you down, man.

Please, don't show it.

# He and his boys gonna be yappin' to the captain

# And there I go Trapped in the Kit-Kat again

# Back through the system with the riff-raff again. #

Anyway, look, we've got to go. What's happening with you mum?

She's not here. She's gone to the retirement home.

What does that mean?

She's pissed off, isn't she?

She's pissed off. She's doing it to spite me.

Did you ask Pratheep if we can go and see

gospel music or Cuban music, if he can organise something?

-I don't think Pratheep's into gospel music.

-We like it.

-We don't.

-I do.

# If loving the Lord is wrong... #

That's it.

# ..Then I don't want to be right. #

-That's it.

-Oh, Lord, can you feel it?

-I feel the power.

-Oh, shut up, Romesh!

Mum's not going to be joining us.

Yesterday she thought I was going to be...

-We were going to be back sooner than we were.

-OK.

So, like, the redneck activities day that you organised...

-You didn't check the details before you booked it.

-OK.

You go, "I've got the hook up..."

HE MIMICS PRATHEEP: "Hey, Romesh, it's Pratheep!

"I got the hook up. I know this fucking guy - Jim.

"We're going to do some monster trucks." Yeah?

So because of that...

I can't get... I can't get past how bad your accents are.

HE MIMICS PRATHEEP: "That's how fucking sound!"

You need to accept that.

Anyway, the long and the short of the story is, my mum's not coming.

-OK.

-She's pissed off.

# God, show me the way because the devil's trying to break me down

# Jesus walks with me. #

-Why is there a donkey?

-I hooked up a choir.

I don't know what this mule is here for.

Why does there always have to be, like,

a horrible bit with your things that you have set up?

This is my cousin Romesh from England.

Romesh, it's a pleasure to meet you. Nice to meet you.

This is Jimmy our little mascot.

-He brings a lot of children and curiosity.

-OK.

-Are you ready to sing with us?

-No, I can't...

LAUGHTER

We'll even present you with official gowns.

Thank you.

Let's do it!

-Do either one of you play the guitar?

-I don't.

-Or at least strum a little bit?

-No.

I play but I don't know what we're going to play.

Pratheep was off the charts good.

I mean, they just had a guitar and then he just started the song.

# Da-da-dum Da-da-do-do-do

# Da-da-da Ba-ba-do-do-do-da-do. #

The thing about Pratheep is, his face is so difficult to read.

You know, if I'd organised this I would have gone, "Ta-da!

"I've organised a gospel choir that makes it up on the spot, dude."

# Jesus loves me

# For the Bible

# For the Bible tells me so. #

"I'm going to pull out a guitar and we're going to a singsong

"in the middle of the park."

But he went, "This is... This is something I hooked up.

"Might give it a go."

# You can look in the world and find out... #

For all I know, he's probably a donkey wrangler as well.

That's why that's set up, because that is a bit obscure, isn't it?

-DIRECTOR:

-What's weird about having a donkey?

What's weird about having a donkey?

I tell you what, google "gospel choir and donkey".

You'll get three results and all three of them will be

this group here.

# ..For the Bible tells me so. #

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

-Awesome.

-Did you just freestyle that?

-Yes, freestyle.

-I didn't see that coming.

-No, I didn't.

-I didn't know you could play the guitar so well.

-Oh, thanks.

-You really just made that up?

-Yeah.

-And then they just followed straight off of that?

-Just followed.

-You are super talented.

Do you think we can do one where we get him to sing?

-Can you play something?

-I don't think this is necessary, by the way.

-DIRECTOR:

-That's a good idea.

# I don't think this is necessary. #

That's what you just said.

# Ha-ha-ha. #

Hold on, are you waiting for me to do something?

# Hold on, I'm waiting for you. #

I can't sing, though, so this is quite embarrassing.

# I can't sing but we can sing. #

We've got your back.

'That's quite an impressive spectacle.

'It has given me an idea about how to make things up to my mum.'

# I'm sorry, Mummy!

# I really love you, Mummy! #

Yeah? Can you feel it?

Hi, how are you?

Is my mum in?

-Hi, Mum.

-Where the hell were you all this time?

We were supposed to spend time together.

-Pratheep organised this thing yesterday.

-What thing?

-Monster truck.

-Monster truck.

It was midnight and you came back

and you looked a right drunken idiot.

SHE SPEAKS OWN LANGUAGE

-Drinking.

-It's not just drinking, Mum.

What other things?

I can't really remember, but Pratheep...

Ah, you can't even remember what you did?

-You'd forgotten about me.

-I didn't forget about you.

Look, can you just come outside for a minute?

-Why?

-I'm trying to, like...

-What is it?

-I've got something for you to see.

-Tell me what it is.

-No, it's, like, a surprise.

Any more stupid things, then I'm booking a ticket and I'm going back.

OK. Just wait here, Mum, yeah?

Wait right here. I'll be back in a minute.

-Just wait right...

-I'll come with you.

-No, wait here. Wait here.

I'll be back in a minute.

# I'm sorry, Mummy

# I'm sorry, Mummy

-CHOIR:

-# I'm sorry, Mummy

# I'm sorry, Mummy

# I'm sorry, Mummy

# I'm sorry, Mummy

# I'm sorry, Mummy

# I'm sorry, Mummy

# I'm sorry, Mummy

# I'm sorry, Mummy

# I'm sorry, Mummy... #

SHE LAUGHS

# ..Mummy, I'm sorry

# Mummy, I'm sorry

# I let you down

# I let you down

# And instead of smiling

# Instead of smiling

# All you had was a frown

# All you had was a frown

# Yesterday, I got drunk

# I got drunk

# And I'm really, really sorry

# I'm really, really sorry

# For the rest of the trip

# For the rest of the trip

# I don't want you to worry

# I don't want you to worry

-# I love you, Mummy

-Love you, Mummy

-# Mummy, I love you

-Mummy, I love you

-# Love you, Mummy

-Love you, Mummy

-# Mummy, I love you

-Mummy, I love you

-# Love you, Mummy

-Love you, Mummy

-# Mummy, I love you

-Mummy, I love you

-# Love you, Mummy

-Love you, Mummy

-# Mummy, I love you

-Mummy, I love you

-# Love you, Mummy

-Love you, Mummy

-# Mummy, I love you

-Mummy, I love you

-# Love you, Mummy

-Love you, Mummy... #

The choir smashed it. I thought it was great. Couldn't have gone better, really.

-# ..Love you, Mummy

-Love you, Mummy

-# Mummy, I love you

-Mummy, I love you... #

I can't say I feel any more American

than I did before the start of the trip.

-# ..Mummy, I love you

-Mummy, I love you... #

But it's still interesting to see the type of stuff that

they get up to. See what Pratheep's like.

So, yeah, I've enjoyed it.

# ..Mummy, I love you. #

It does sort of set a dangerous precedent, because

now every time I piss my mum off, I'm going to have to sort of

organise a choir and a donkey.

We're in Canada...

-But you've got to go really big.

-Yeah.

What do you mean, taking MY clothes off?

There is a family reunion.

Everybody's coming to Canada.

This is the shittest thing I've ever done.

Surprise!