Brother Dinesh Asian Provocateur

I always wanted to go to America with you to see the family.

This programme contains strong language

It's going to be shit.

I am going on a trip of a lifetime.

Except I've got to take my mum.

This trip is about getting to know the part of my family who ended up

settling in North America.

Seeing what my life might have been like

if my mum and dad hadn't selected the delights of Crawley.

Oh, my God! Oh, shit!

Last time I went to Sri Lanka, I did what my mum told me to do,

but this time we're doing what I want to do.

Yes!

-Do you feel like you're in control?

-No.

There's no more mad religious ceremonies.

HE NEIGHS

There's no more me getting beaten up.

There's no more me falling victim to family pressure.

Would you prefer that your mother was not on this trip?

This time, I'm in charge,

we're doing what I want to do on this trip.

I mean, obviously, I haven't actually told my mum that.

I'm the Asian provocateur.

Who the hell am I, then?

Asian provocateur's mum.

Oh, my God.

Jesus! Oh, fucking hell, mate.

Shut up.

Are you, um, are you looking forward to the Deep South?

I am. I am. You know Dinesh is coming as well?

Why is Dinesh coming?

I thought he has got a lot of good ideas.

A lot... What you mean he's got a lot of good ideas?

Just to do something with you

-and...

-He's always talking about the Deep South, Dinesh.

He can never stop talking about it.

-But...

-All he talks about is his ideas

about what to do in the Deep South.

I can't... Ever since we were kids, it's all he's talked about.

I think he was thinking about writing a book about it.

-He's your brother, for God's sake.

-No, I know, I know.

-And that's totally cool.

-If it bothers you that much...

It doesn't bother me.

-It does bother you.

-It doesn't bother me.

You don't believe in him, you don't believe...

I do believe in him, he does exist, he's not Santa.

This week, we're sort of heading all over the Deep South.

We are starting in New Orleans.

And this is where we meet my brother, my younger brother Dinesh.

Dinesh is...

He's younger, better looking, slimmer.

He's more fun to be around.

And the problem is that my mum finds me disappointing when I'm on my own.

When you put me in context with somebody who's better,

that makes me look really bad.

Why are we here?

-This restaurant?

-Yeah.

It was on the Kardashians.

-Huh?

-It was on the Kardashians.

-This one?

-Well, that's the first...

most excited you've been on the whole trip, mentioning

-the Kardashians.

-Yes, I watched the programme.

Is there anything wrong with that?

So we're here because of Kim Kardashian?

Well, actually because it's known for the beignets

and beignets are like a speciality in New Orleans.

How do you know all this shit?

When we go somewhere, do you not research it?

-No.

-No? Oh, Mum, that's St Louis Cathedral, by the way.

-Oh.

-It's the oldest consistently running cathedral in the US.

That's a nice little fact to end the conversation with, isn't it?

When we were younger

and we used to fight all the time and wrestle and that

and watch the wrestling...

-Yeah?

-You don't fancy doing something like that?

With wrestling, it sort of depends on how legitimate it is.

Why has it got to be legitimate?

What I'm saying is, I don't want to be wrestling you and then I look up

and there's two hillbillies cracking one off.

No, I don't want that either.

So today, Din set up this pro wrestling training

and Mum's just going to leave us to it.

I'm indifferent to wrestling.

If people are into it, that's fine. But I don't understand the appeal.

You know? It's fake.

And it pretends to be real.

Are you going to tell them that when you get in there?

Abso... Of course I'm not. Of course I'm not.

-How are you guys doing?

-Hello.

-Hello, mate.

-How are you doing?

-Romesh.

-Welcome.

-Dinesh.

-Welcome to Wildcats.

-I'm Ben.

-Nice to meet you, man.

So we're going to run you through a regular training practice

and then tonight, later on, you're going to have the opportunity

to step inside the ring and wrestle

your first-ever professional wrestling match.

You know, it's weird, isn't it?

The first activity, we're doing something

that he's going to be infinitely better than me at.

Sort of interesting how that's panned out.

You are such a dick, mate.

You'll be fine, mate, trust me.

But apparently it's not to highlight the obvious differences

between myself and my brother.

Oh, look who finally decided to join us.

-Where have you all been?

-You see what they're doing?

-Erm...

Well, why are you not following?

Let's go! Hustle!

Come on, big man, move it.

What the shit? Fuck off, mate.

One, two,

three, four.

Oh, God.

It's one of the worst things in living memory that I've done.

Move! Move! Move!

Where are we going?

Come on. Up. Down.

Don't stop. What are you stopping for?

Ah! 'Dinesh lapped me.'

You prick. 'I wouldn't have done that to him.'

Let's go, fat boy, come on.

Oh, shit.

Ow!

Looked like a lazy sack of shit, let's do it again.

That's pretty harsh, mate.

What if that was my special move, lazy sack of shit?

-I don't think you're taking this serious.

-I am, I'm sorry.

I'm taking it seriously. I'm taking it very seriously.

Do you want to run another 15 laps?

And then we can do this again over and over again?

-No.

-Then I suggest you stop running your fucking mouth

and start running your body backwards over in a flip.

-Ah!

-Can I go to the toilet quickly, please?

-What's wrong?

-Nothing,

I need to step out for a second.

He just doesn't want it.

How are you feeling, man? You all right?

-You all right?

-No. I'm not all right.

What's wrong? What happened?

Just proper knackered?

It's like fucking just going right back to fucking being at school,

not being able to do anything. It's just fucking shit.

I don't expect you to be able to fucking understand,

you're mastering it all.

Do you want me to ask him, like, how many moves...?

How can I help you feel a bit better about it?

Why don't you go and continue your fast-track

to the fucking Professional Wrestling Federation

and I'll just sit here? DINESH CHUCKLES

I think that's the best option.

Well, have a break and think about it and then we'll see how you feel

-and we'll have another crack at it.

-Sure, fine.

-Yeah, deal?

-Fine.

-Yeah?

-Fine.

-Let me speak to him.

-CREW MEMBER:

-I think you're actually being really hard on yourself.

I nearly hurt myself three times, and that was without an opponent.

Do you understand the level of shit you'd have to be?

I'm nought and one and I've not fought anyone.

So what were we going to do next

is we're going to take you guys backstage.

We've got some great gear for you guys to wear later tonight.

So how is this going to work tonight?

Like, are we fighting each other, or what?

Oh, no, you guys are going to tag up.

So it's going to be you two versus two of our most experienced guys.

So what's your plan for tonight, then?

Let's just say, Dinesh lapping me has not been forgotten.

So you're going to get revenge?

I'm not saying that, I'm just saying

that Dinesh lapping me has not been forgotten.

Why couldn't you leave that as an enigmatic ending to this bit?

YELLING

-No, no, no. Go on.

-What the fuck?

-Go on, go on, go on.

APPLAUSE

That's it, I'm going, mate.

-Walk out!

-You get back over there right now.

You get back up on...

No. You're gon' get back up there. That's your partner.

-Ow! Ow!

-Hey, hey, hey!

What are you doing?

So the story of the fight

was supposed to be that I keep refusing to go in

and then eventually he brings me in, so that was all to script.

And then he thought we were going to do this thing

where we go along the ropes,

but what I thought I'd do is I would just tickle him and slap him.

So that's obviously what you were referring to

when you said you would remember the lapping thing.

Yeah, that was supposed to be the revenge, yeah.

I was trying to do a thing where I bent him over

and spanked him on the arse.

I thought that was the ultimate humiliating thing to do so somebody,

but I just didn't anticipate his physical strength.

I don't know what about today made me think I could take him.

I've just got no idea, because he's a lot fitter than I am.

And for me to think I could bend him over my knee

and spank him shows a lack of awareness

of breathtaking levels, that's all I can... You know?

Why did you lap me?

Just cos they were shouting at us to run, I thought...

Do you not think it would have been more supportive and nice

to just pretend you couldn't have lapped me?

How was that going to benefit me?

It's not about benefiting you,

it's about being supportive to your brother.

Mate, you're such a sore loser.

You're a little teacher's pet.

Prick. Sits at the front of the class and give the teacher an apple

-because you love the teacher so much.

-While I'm sitting

in this classroom, are you sitting outside having a breakdown?

I was not having a breakdown, Dinesh, I was tired.

It looked a lot like that.

-Tell me now that you were not crying.

-I wasn't crying, Dinesh.

I saw a breakdown.

It wasn't a breakdown.

I was exhausted.

It looked very similar to having a breakdown.

I have been talking to Dinesh

-and he gave me all these ideas and he...

-He's so good, isn't he?

Yes, he's your brother.

Yeah, he is good. What's wrong with that?

I didn't say there's anything wrong with it.

-Anyway, you know Sean's father, Guru?

-Yeah.

-Dinesh has been talking to him.

-He's good, Dinesh, isn't he?

What's wrong with you?

-I'm just saying, he is good.

-So they had a chat and are going to organise

the RV and then we will travel in that while we are there and go for

fishing and Guru likes fishing.

Do you remember that time we all went camping together as a family?

-No, I can't.

-No, because we never went,

because camping's shit.

My uncle Guru is coming to pick us up...

Hello!

..in an RV that he wants us to travel the south in.

So what's the plan for today?

We are going for catfishing, you know?

And what we can do is, after fishing,

we can bring the fish back here and cook. Put some little sauce...

So what is it, is this about a fishing trip

or just you fancy eating some fish tonight?

-Hello.

-How are y'all doing?

-How are you doing?

-Hi.

-Romesh.

-Romesh, hi.

-They call me Rom.

-Mike.

-Mike, nice to meet you.

-Good to meet you.

You've fished before, right?

Yeah, but I don't see any rods.

No, we don't carry rods, we catch them with our hand.

I'm not a bear!

Yeah, you close your eyes and you swim underwater

and you go and stick your hand in a hole and the fish

-is going to come up there and bite you.

-Sorry, who does that?

-You.

Y'all two. We'll keep an eye out for the snakes

and the alligators for you.

-You all ready?

-Ready to go?

I'm ready to go on a boat.

All of that other shit, you can forget about.

Fuck that, mate.

Fuck that.

The idea was that they were going to show us how it's done

and then afterwards we'd have a go, theoretically.

Yeah, I want to help.

-Come out.

-Are you serious?

-You're just going to go straight in for it?

-Yeah, I guess so.

But then Dinesh just stepped up and then what followed was him basically

becoming the best fisherman I've ever seen.

-Straight down, yeah?

-Right here.

-Oh, I've got you.

So why didn't you get in and help your brother?

I'm a vegan, do you understand? I don't like fishing.

Come on, Dinesh.

He's got one. He's got one.

THEY LAUGH

Yeah!

Nicely done.

Oh, my God! Did you see that?

So proud of Dinesh.

-CREW MEMBER:

-So, obviously, as you didn't do it,

do you mind if we get Dinesh to come in

and sort of talk us through the process?

Din...

Rom, He's not a candy-ass like you.

God, I hope the boat doesn't crash,

they sink and don't make it back to shore.

-That would be a nightmare.

-Oh, shut up, what a thing to say, Romesh!

You basically lie down flat, put your arm in,

wave your arm around, it will bite you, and then you pull it out,

put it under your arm and pull it straight out the water.

Does anyone else think this is shit?

I don't think it's shit, man.

It is an experience.

Get an RV, sleep there the night, you can see the sights,

-we're in a car park.

-It's a beautiful car park, though.

This is basically a luxury form of dogging, you know that?

-Right, goodnight, guys.

-Goodnight.

-Sleep tight.

-Night.

See you tomorrow morning.

SIRENS WAILING AND DOGS BARKING

At least it's quiet around here.

Can we all agree that I was correct, please,

about the sleeping in this shit van.

Yes, you were correct.

-Thank you.

-Don't worry, we're going to have a better day today.

This is what we do back home, right.

When we go on a drive we start singing,

clapping and everything, right?

So, OK, Rom, come on.

Do you want to listen to some music, man?

-Everybody after me.

-Yeah.

# Hate the van, hate the van

# Oh, we hate this shitty van!

# I'm gonna drive it into the river if I can

-# If I can!

-Hate the van, hate the van

# Oh, we hate this shitty van!

# Gonna drive it into the river if I can... #

Guru!

# Why can't you enjoy the van, enjoy the van?

# Enjoy the trip, enjoy the trip

# Without complaining so much?

# I've never seen anybody complaining so much in my life

# Waste of money, waste of money, waste of money, waste of energy

# If I don't enjoy, you don't enjoy, it's no good for my effort... #

Did you want to follow the rhythm?

LAUGHTER

What do you think of cheerleaders, Mum?

I reckon we could like do some hanging out with the cheerleaders.

Not hanging out, but, like, just go and see some.

Those girls, with their shorts and tight tops

and they have this tassel in their hand.

-Yeah.

-And they dance around and say something, I don't know,

what do they say? That's the cheerleaders?

-That is cheerleaders. Yeah.

-I got it right.

-Yeah,

you could set up a website or something and call it Shitopedia.

With those little definitions.

"They got the tassels and then they do the dancing..."

Show their boobs as well so...

They don't. I don't know what version you've seen.

Today we're going to do something different.

-Hotel?

-No, no, I'm going to take the boys for male cheering first.

-Male cheering?

-Male cheering?

Are you talking about girls? Cheerleaders?

No, no, actually I said male because we three of us are males.

No, man, I don't fancy it, it's not... I want to go shopping, mate.

-What are you talking about?

-I've done everything else, mate.

-Dinesh, are you going for shopping, then?

-Yeah.

-Can I join you?

-Yeah, of course.

-What, Guru, you're coming with me, though?

-Are you going to stick?

-I'm not a good dancer, I'll skip it.

You can do it. By yourself.

# Uh-huh, this my shit

# Few times I've been around that track

# So it's not just gonna happen like that

# Cos I ain't no hollaback girl

# I ain't no hollaback girl... #

Basically, Dinesh decided it wasn't for him so...

..in a similar way as if I decided something wasn't for me,

Uncle Guru and my mum accepted that

and they've decided to spend the day shopping.

I've got to give this a go to show

that I can actually do something.

So bizarrely...

cheerleading has now become my thing.

Hey!

-Hello.

-So, what are you doing here?

I don't know. I came to see what you guys do.

In high school we was rejected from being on the teams, the dance teams.

It's a female-dominated dance, though.

So males aren't allowed to do it.

So what we did was, we rebelled against, like, the school system.

-OK.

-And started our own thing.

So would you ever try to do this?

Well, I'm happy to give it a go.

I mean, the thing is I don't have any...

-..erm, natural rhythm.

-Could you move your torso, like...?

Oh, that! That's it! That's all you need is a little rhythm.

-A little beat.

-And now all you've got to do is put the beat to it

-and you'll be good to go.

-OK.

-But you're going to have to do

a whole makeover if you want to do this type of dance.

You have man parts.

-Yeah, and you have to get...

-You have to get rid of that, too.

-What are you talking about? What?

-Your penis.

See, I don't have one now.

-Where is it?

-You put it back here.

-Yeah.

-And you push your testicles out of like the sack

and you put it by your pubic hairs

and then you take the other thing that sits there,

and you pull between and it goes here.

And you take the tuck strap and you step it in

and you go, pull up.

Tuck strap is a strap that you use to strap your dick

underneath your gooch which is actually...

It's the least of my concerns at the moment

because before you do that,

you have to push your own testicles up into your stomach.

Have you danced before?

-Have you taken dancing?

-You've got a nice turnout.

-Thank you.

Ah-ah!

Put a little gayness in it! A little...

Yeah!

I'm sure if Dinesh was here,

his dick would magically disappear and he'd be able to do the moves

before they showed him, but I don't have to compete with that today.

And then to the right.

-Like that.

-One. Two. Three.

'They were really nice, man, I really like them.

'Like they were inviting, welcoming,'

they were inclusive. I kept cocking it up, they didn't mind.

It was fun to hang out with them.

They're basically the opposite of my family.

-Ooh!

-That was it.

You look good.

Yeah. You look good.

If I join the group I would be like

the Eeyore of, like, Winnie the Pooh, do you know what I mean?

So they provide the energy and I come on, like, "Hello...

"I'm going to join in as well." You know?

"My nuts are still in the normal place, sorry."

Also they said I don't look right.

-BOTH:

-Make over!

Yeah!

So that's what we're doing next.

-We are going to the salon.

-Oh, we're going to the salon.

-We're going to the salon.

-Yes!

-Ooh, that came out easy.

-Oh, God.

-This fish...

-Why do you keep saying everything's fish?

-CREW MEMBER:

-It looks all right.

-You look good.

-Do I?

So you did go for the full tuck?

I've not gone for the full tuck, mate, I've just done a semi-tuck.

It's not a full tuck. We're Sri Lankan.

Look at me. Look at me, mate.

I don't think it looks as bad as you think it does.

-Honestly. I think it looks cool.

-Well, I think it looks like

the worst thing anyone's ever worn, ever in the history of the world,

so, you telling me it doesn't look as bad as I think it looks

is absolutely fuck all to me.

Because I think I look like a brown Widow Twankey.

Oh! You look cute!

Oh, you missed a step, you've got to button up the back.

-Yeah.

-Put a little sissy on it.

-Yeah.

-There you go! You in now.

-You in now.

-Yeah.

All right, let's do it together.

Come on. On three, put a little sissy on.

One, two, three.

The original plan was that I perform at the stadium,

but the stadium have said that the group

are not in keeping with their brand

so they're going to do like a guerrilla dance

just wherever they fancy.

And actually I think what they do is pretty cool, so, yeah,

I'm going to do it.

CHEERING

# My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard

# And they're like, it's better than yours

# Damn right, it's better than yours

# I can teach you but I have to charge

# I know you want it

# That thing that makes me

# What the guys go crazy for... #

Did I knock it out the part? Did I absolutely nail it?

Yeah, I think I probably did.

THEY CHEER

So what do you think your mum and your family made of it?

Erm... Yeah, they seem to enjoy it, they seemed to love it.

I don't think they thought it was good quality

but Dinesh and Mum were really buzzing.

Guru looked like he was awake, so it was great.

Well, my mama hugged me and said, I'm so proud of you, so...

-It's nice, isn't it?

-When was the last time she did that?

Erm...

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Yeah. Beautiful.

Hey, man, that was a great performance.

You guys have been amazing so thank you so much.

You welcomed me in and I really appreciate it, so thank you.

You crossed the rainbow, tasted Skittles.

Yeah, I really tasted the Skittles and they were great. Thank you.

-They taste wonderful. They taste fish!

-Yeah!

-Yeah! Oh, yeah.

-Fish!

-Is it coming off all right?

-No.

They said it would be really quick and it's not.

Fuck.

What have you got tomorrow?

Tomorrow, Din's doing a skydive

and we're going along to support and watch.

So...

I don't know exactly what that will involve.

I imagine I'll still have this in my hair.

I can't wait to go skydiving today, it's going to be wicked.

Yeah, Dinesh, we are all looking forward

to watching you today, you know?

How about Romesh, is he going to do it?

I don't think so. I mean...

Why are you quickly saying I don't think so?

-Why?

-Wait a minute, Mum,

are you seriously surprised that we think he's not going to dive?

Give him a chance.

-He might do it.

-I am actually thinking I might not do it.

-Why, Romesh?

-Because I don't really fancy it.

You don't fancy fishing, you don't fancy wrestling,

you don't fancy anything, what do you fancy, then?

Dress up as a woman.

Welcome to Skydive Monroe. You guys here to skydive?

-Yeah.

-Well, he is.

-He is? Not you?

-Not me, no.

Well, I can do the training once with everyone,

then you can decide if you want to jump, you can jump.

I've managed to negotiate myself into quite a nice situation here

where I've ducked out of so much stuff

that they don't even expect me to get involved now

which is quite sweet actually.

So it looks like I'm not going to have to do this one.

But I am going to go up in the plane and support Din.

It's good to get another layer on actually

-in this temperature, isn't it?

-Yeah.

You know, the whole week I've not been good

and supportive to my brother whereas now I'm properly cheering him on,

do you know what I mean?

You look so good in yours.

Do I? Like a hero? Oh!

So the plane will land, I'll come down the steps

and everyone will be, like, "Oh, God, you're so supportive!"

Yeah?

But I thought you could add music and that

and, like, have a slow-mo of me coming out

and we wouldn't make it like hip-hop,

you do like Adele or something like that,

so it feels like a real breakthrough.

Are you really trying to say that you getting in the plane

and watching your brother is as good as you actually doing the jump?

Erm...

All the best.

-What the hell's going on?

-Did you...

You enjoyed having your brother here?

-Yeah.

-So why don't you ask him to stay?

He's doing all the stuff, he's jumping, he's doing the fishing

and the wrestling, so why don't you ask him to stay next week as well?

Is there anyway to just disconnect and jump out without the chute?

-No way.

-Thanks a lot. Thanks a lot for the pep talk, Mum.

Man, I am shitting myself.

It will be good, man.

-Fuck off, man.

-It will be good, man, I believe in you.

You're going to be great.

You can do this, man.

Well done, I believe in you.

Shut up.

You're a legend.

You can do it, Din.

Ready, set...

-Right, let's do it.

-You doing it?

Yeah, I'm going to do it.

# But I set fire to the rain

# Watched it pour as I touched your face

# Well, it burned while I cried

# Cos I heard it screaming out your name

# Your name... #

You did it.

I was always intending on doing the skydive

but I just sort of thought if people are going to assume

that I'm not going to do it, then I'm going to let them

sort of go on that assumption.

Mum, I hope you're happy.

Literally, if I had some custard pies, or some egg,

I wanted to land and go, "In your face, in your face, in your face!

"I did it."

But unfortunately they were all really nice

and like really supportive and lovely about it.

Thanks very much.

Well done, Romesh. Darling.

Well impressed, I didn't think you'd do it, mate.

I guess at the beginning of this week, I thought it was all

about competition between my brother and I

and what I learned as the week went on,

is that actually we're not competing with each other,

we're competing with life itself,

and in many ways, we've ended up both winners.

-Do you mean that?

-Of course I fucking don't, mate.

This week we are in Colorado.

I'm due to spend a week with my cousin Krishna.

I'm going to help him become a man

and apparently the way that we're going to do that

is by being cowboys for the week.

-Come on, Rom.

-Whoa!