Death of Rock Brian Pern: A Life in Rock

This programme contains strong language

# Oh, I wish I was in Dixie

# Away, away... #

Wow...

In this room, on this toilet, a vital part of rock history died.

To many people, Mr Elvis Presley simply was rock 'n' roll,

even when he got older and got a bit tubby.

Before Mr Presley died, he ate a huge meal and I have here

the coroner's report, which details the exact menu he ate.

Nine 12-inch, deep-crust ham and pineapple pizzas,

one roast pig,

a can of Fanta,

six side orders of fries,

some bacon bits,

12 burgers, four cobs,

one Kentucky fried duck,

a lion bar, a banana,

a pint of eggs,

a box of Dairylea Lunchables,

some more Fanta,

three Peperamis,

nine pots of Chambourcy Hippopotamousse,

two tins of peaches,

some more Fanta

and one pistachio nut.

Mr Elvis Aaron Presley was discovered around 3am

in this toilet, drenched in Fanta

and face-down in his own gizzards.

But it wasn't food that killed Elvis.

It was success, too much of it, too quick and too fast.

This week on The Life Of Rock we look at death,

the end of rock.

BELL TOLLS

From a record company's point of view,

death isn't always a bad thing. They love a death.

The Doors wouldn't have sold anywhere near as many records

if Jim Morrison had stayed alive.

He'd probably be a judge on American Idol now.

With his own range of pasta sauces.

The biggest killer of lives and careers in this business

is undoubtedly drugs.

I, personally, have never taken them

and if you speak to many of the great artists

who worked in the '60s and '70s,

the '80s and the '90s, even now,

they will have known or worked with someone who has died

taking the stuff.

Brian says he never took drugs, right.

He was too tight to buy drugs, that's what I'm trying to tell you.

He had midget's arms and clown's pockets.

You couldn't get the guy to buy a fucking round of drinks,

never mind go out and buy a big bag of cocaine, for God's sake.

No, they were dropping like flies.

We're not talking about the odd joint and a pint of Parson's Punnet.

This was mainlining heroin, three bottles of vodka...

I mean, you'd show up at a party somewhere,

you'd be having a nice chat with someone, you'd pop off,

get yourself a pineapple and cheese on a stick.

By the time you got back, they were dead.

Often, when I went to parties,

I'd be very concerned about the company I kept.

If I saw anyone doing this...

-..I'd leave.

-And if the press got wind of it,

you'd get linked to that death, it'd hit your album sales.

Makes you look very callous.

Even getting the stuff could cause major problems,

especially at the airport.

Keith Richards got arrested for possession of heroin.

In Japan, my old mucker, Macca,

got pulled for having a bit of wacky baccy in his pockets.

We got a load of seeds, kind of in the post.

We didn't know what they were.

We planted them all and five of them came up like...

Five of them came up illegal.

And Bjork-a also caused a stir when she arrived at Heathrow.

She wasn't on drugs.

She was just crackers.

Someone like George Michael has survived a series of scandals,

largely because no-one else has ever been harmed other than him,

which is why he's still got fans and a career.

Had he crashed into Happy Snaps and wiped out a few of the staff,

instead of the window and the HP all-in-one colour copier,

it'd be a completely different story.

Scandal and rock music go hand in hand.

But with the right scandal, you can sell a million,

but your reputation can also take a bit of a bashing.

'I got in hot water myself when I appeared on Saturday Night Live...'

Lies!

'..and tore up a picture of the Fonz.'

E-vil!

Looking back, I stand by what I did.

For me, Happy Days symbolised everything

that was wrong with America -

a middle-aged Elvis impersonator kicking a jukebox and saying, "Ay!"

And everyone cheers and claps,

whilst across the world they're causing havoc

with their aggressive foreign policy.

It was just jet lag.

# Come on, baby

# You drive me crazy... #

Jerry Lee Lewis's Great Balls Of Fire caused him

great balls of trouble when he married a 13-year-old girl.

You can't do that over here, buster.

Bill Wyman had to wait three years before he could marry Mandy Smith

and they lived happily ever after,

for two months.

First wife - homemaker, supportive, mother of his first child,

usually met him before he was famous, put up with the poverty,

helped him achieve his dream of stardom which enabled him

to get the second wife who's got a prettier face and a smaller bum.

-NEWS REPORT:

-'Mandy was only 13 when they met,

'and their affair caused a scandal.'

There was a few problems on the way but we finally made it.

After a couple of weeks,

they realised they've got nothing else to say,

so he pines for the first wife who's since run off with the bloke

who made the Victorian rocking horses for the kid he left behind

when he was making the difficult album in Monterey.

I'm glad he's finally taken the plunge.

I don't think it's a good match. I said I'm happy for him.

I don't know anything about it.

-Do you think he'll settle down?

-That's another story. I don't know.

If you pick up the phone,

we might be able to dig up some nasty questions

-about your past for you.

-Mmm.

But not all younger women fall

for the charms of a middle-aged rock star.

Hello, Elaine.

Actually, Kate, it's me, Brian Pern,

and I need to speak to you very seriously.

-Yeah.

-I'm not very good at this sort of thing.

So here goes...

I'm sorry about this, folks.

I'm in love with you.

I have left my wife

and I want to swap my old life for a new life with you.

We can have chickens and stuff...

..and make wine.

I'm outside the house. Let me in the window, please.

Brian, of course, discovered Kate and organised all her demos,

he played keyboards on

Heathcliff, It's Me, Cathy, Let Me In Your Window,

and loads of people were asking questions.

We all knew something was going on

cos he was married to Cindy at the time.

It wasn't much fun watching that back,

and that's a warning about drinking and dialling.

Especially drinking and dialling to kids' shows.

It made the papers.

Managed to get his latest song to number 32 and, anyway,

his wife was shagging Mike Batt, so what the fuck.

# I am just a new boy... #

Aside from drink, drugs and women,

touring is the next biggest killer.

Touring makes a man.

It can also break a man.

Why are roadies always men?

All those awful, pasty men from Birmingham,

bending down showing their fucking cracks.

Why not have a young bird in a tight boiler suit or hot pants?

That would have been something to look at.

I wonder if Pink Floyd ever played the biscuit game.

INTERVIEWER: What's the biscuit game?

-Uh...

-INTERVIEWER: How do you entertain yourselves?

I'd rather not say how we entertained ourselves.

I had them all, all the big dogs.

Jimmy P, Jimmy H, Jiminy Cricket.

It was the '70s, that's what we did.

I made moulds of their yam bags, you know?

Their ball sacks!

This is James Taylor right here.

This is Carlos Santana's.

These are Midge Ure's.

Life on the road is a bit like anal sex.

It starts off fun and exciting

but it ends up a pain in the arse.

Touring is boring.

It's just dull, Kansas City on a wet Thursday afternoon,

it's just...

Every hotel room looks the same, and I'm sure Thotch and Brian Pern

went through all that, you know, and that is enough to break any band up.

When an artist goes solo,

it doesn't always lead to the death of a band.

In fact it can be a creative rebirth.

# Waiting in the garden, by the shed

# I saw you washing

# Then making up your bed

# Creeping through the bushes, over the fence

# Into the window in the bathroom instead

# I'm taking off my smalls

# Do you mind if I have a bath?

# Where's your flannel?

# Let me wash and I'll use up your flannel

# Ah-aah... #

I finally left Thotch to pursue my solo career in 1978.

It allowed me to have creative freedom

and make the music I was interested in

and them to make what they were interested in

without me breathing down their necks.

# Was ist das? Was ist das? #

Did we miss Brian when he left?

Of course not.

He was becoming a fucking pain in the bottom.

Thotch were more than just a band to us. They were everything.

They were part of our development, our lives,

they were a unifying force, and Brian...

chose to throw it all away...

..in pursuit of commercial success

doing those rubbish songs that he did.

Brian Pern left a really important group that people really loved

and went into the wilderness.

He went into the wilderness and then came back and used Plasticine

and made Spirit Level and everybody loved him again.

CALYPSO MUSIC

Brian had a transatlantic number one right out of the blue

with Spirit Level.

Who'd have thought it?

And, ironically, knocking Thotch off the top.

What people forget is that, at that point in time,

Brian Pern was to Thotch what Paul McCartney was to Wings.

So it was like Wings carrying on without Paul McCartney.

That probably wouldn't have worked.

But as it happens,

I really love the first two non-Brian Pern Thotch albums.

Then, of course, they got shit.

INTERVIEWER: What's it like leaving Thotch?

Good! No, seriously, I put together a young band,

some of the best musicians in England.

They certainly do what they're told, anyway.

Yeah, it's been a real challenge,

working with Brian for the first time.

He's, er...

He's made me really think about my drumming.

Last year, Brian sent me to Cambodia to...

You know, there's been a civil war there recently,

so when you suggested that, it was kind of, um...

Er, well, you know, a bit of a head spin.

I forgot to call him to ask him to come back, so he stayed out there.

Yeah.

For four months, wasn't I?

-Four months...

-Certainly shown in the work.

Yeah, had an interesting month in jail as well.

-Lost a bit of weight.

-Yeah.

These two don't speak.

It's why I hired them.

To be honest, I was never really enamoured with rock music.

Tight trousers, guitar solos and four beats to the bar,

so when I left Thotch, I travelled the world, listing for new sounds.

MUSIC: "Gumboots" by Paul Simon

I was like a bee landing on flowers in different lands,

combining sounds and making a new kind of pollen,

which is how I invented world music.

HE GURGLES TUNEFULLY

HE CONTINUES GURGLING

TUNEFUL TWANGING

She's OK, just...

Just keep her off the drink and she'll be all right.

HIGH-PITCHED SINGING

-Ouch!

-Pepita, can we...

Can we have some playing without you hurting yourself?

The pain and the music, they go together,

just like in life, you know?

STRANGLED: You cannot separate the two.

Hello, I'm here with Pepita Arugo Sanchez Montaya,

who has come from Mexico

and she is going to help us with this song, I believe.

I am honoured to be here. You are the James Bond man?

-Uh, yeah.

-Yeah!

So you do... SINGING: Goldfinger!

-Well, no, that wasn't...

-It was not you?

Did you do... SINGING: Moonraker!

That's John Barry.

What about... SINGING: Skyfall!

-That wasn't me either, no.

-So what did you write?

Uh, I did Tomorrow Never Dies,

The World Is Not Enough,

Die Another Day, Casino Royale,

Quantum Of Solace.

Congratulations.

I think if we can get this down,

man, woman in space,

first time they see each other.

Heartbreak, you want heartbreak.

# As I saw you

# Across the Milky Way... #

That's beautiful.

# We could hold hands yesterday

# But we were not alone

-# Mmm-hmm-hmm! Ah-ah-ah

-I had some powdered milk

# Milky Way!

# Ay-ay-ay-ay-ay-ay-ay..! #

-I can't do this.

-# In space!

-# Oh..! #

-This isn't going to work.

# Oh!

# I know you're waiting for me-ah! #

That's actually from a different... That's a different song.

But we will do it better. So we will mix together, it's called a mashup.

If the world music world lost Brian Pern,

it would lose a window

into the world of music.

-INTERVIEWER:

-Do you like world music?

Um...

World music, uh,

no.

It might be better, Brian...

-SHE HOLLERS

-..if the piece was in a booth,

-SHE TRILLS AND BARKS

-Then we got control.

Maybe we could check the vocals.

-You want to bring me in a box?

-Yes.

-This is not going to work.

-Why?!

-You're drunk.

-I am not drunk.

I had a tiny bit because I am nervous in front of the man from Moonraker!

I cannot be in a box.

-We've got a pineapple.

-What does this mean?

You are going to chop off my head?

No, that's what they do in your country.

When successful artists reach a certain age, things change.

The time for throwing televisions into swimming pools is over.

The groupies have all grown up and bought organic bakeries.

The fourth wives are in full effect

with their handbags and small children,

and they're stuck alone in giant stately homes

they can't afford to heat.

What do they do?

Well, those with money embark on ridiculous hobbies,

which no-one else is interested in,

which cost a small fortune.

MUSIC: "Je Suis Un Rockstar" by Bill Wyman

BRUCE ROARS

We all made far too much money.

Some people enjoy it,

but after you've unloaded yourself on a thousand pairs of knockers...

HE INHALES

..what do you do next? I don't know.

Hobbies? Well...

It's just about avoiding the wife and kids, isn't it?

-LOUD BUZZING

-A lot of people use earphones,

but being a musician, I can avoid that.

Dad's always traditionally popped off down the garage

to make his model aeroplanes or whatever.

-BUZZING

-Metal fillings.

These people don't have garages.

They've got aircraft hangers.

-BUZZING

-It does, they're great.

Alice Cooper plays golf.

Can't get anybody to play with him, though.

He turns up in all that mascara, a plastic baby in his golf buggy

and a snake round his neck. He's 62.

And that bloke from Blur makes cheese.

In Guantanamo Bay, they stuff cheese up the prisoners' noses

and play Blur songs to them all day to break their spirit

and get them to talk.

With remarkable success, I hear.

-INTERVIEWER:

-You've done a lot for the welfare of ants, haven't you?

Oh, ants, yeah.

-You've got ant farms?

-We used to. We've sold them now.

At a great profit, I might add, but, yeah.

Save the ant, mate.

That's what I think, cos I think they're in trouble.

I have a genuine Victorian liquorice still in my home

and I make the occasional batch of liquorice for my children.

They actually prefer Cadbury's Heroes.

I say to them, "That's all very well when you're with your friends,

"but when you're here with me,

"it's liquorice, and it's my liquorice."

Other rock stars have hobbies of far greater importance,

like saving the rainforests.

May I talk first of all to Chief Raoni?

You've travelled thousands of miles from the Amazon to be with us.

How are your people

and how is the forest threatened?

They are fucked, Terry, to be honest. Absolutely.

They're cutting down an area the size of Milton Keynes every day

just to make the world's envelopes.

Is there anything about our life here that he thinks is good?

Uh, bouncy castles.

Sting, how did you get involved in this campaign?

I was on tour in Brazil.

I was doing these big concerts, big stadiums in Brazil.

I came to see him. I loved the "do-do-do, da-da-da-da",

but he didn't do it that night cos it was a solo tour.

Every time I turned a corner, this man was here pestering me,

saying, "You have to come to the jungle, it's so important

"you come to the jungle", and I was trying to avoid him.

-I was like, "I'm not a tourist..."

-Yeah.

"..I'm working, I'm very busy."

-But do get rid of this man, I had to agree to go.

-Ha!

It makes you angry.

You really feel as if your children

have been robbed of something very beautiful.

It's like looking at a rape.

You see somebody being raped in the street, you want to stop it.

Fucking 'ell, Sting, that's a bit heavy, innit?!

Although Sting and I don't see eye to eye on many things,

he is right to champion nature,

for it is in the wild where music began.

# Africa, Africa, birthplace of man... #

People thing humans are the only people who make music.

No, it started in the jungle,

with the croaking of the frog,

the call of the cuckabird

and the hiss of the snake.

# Africa, Africa, birthplace of man... #

I have come to a research centre in London to meet Danson,

a gorilla with extraordinary musical abilities.

I know we all laugh at the ape

in the Cadbury's advert who played the drums,

but this is no joke.

Danson, here, is a Grade 8 pianist.

We decided to meet up for a jamming session and this is what happened.

OK, Danson, this is Brian.

Don't look him in the eye, keep your head down.

The most important thing, he doesn't feel threatened by you, OK?

You've got nothing to worry about.

DANSON GRUNTS

-It's Brian, Danson.

-Hello, Danson.

Hello. What do I... Here?

Yeah.

Don't look him in the eye. Keep your head down.

Head down, please.

Recently, Sarah, here at the institute has contacted me...

..and we, uh,

have had the idea of introducing musical lessons

into some of the apes'...

..schooling, I suppose it is, if you want to call it that,

and I've, uh...

I've been Skyping with Danson and sending him

various musical soundscapes and textures

and he has become quite adept at playing the keyboard.

Uh-uh! Uh-uh!

Uh-uh! Uh-uh!

-Sure it's OK? He doesn't seem...

-Go ahead, it's fine.

I assumed we'd be behind a form of screen for this.

-No, he's just being playful.

-Can you not come and sit here?

I don't want to get in the way of the interaction

between the two of you. He's a big fan of your work.

OK, what do we do now?

-Accept the gift.

-Do I take it?

-Accept the gift.

Thank you, Danson.

He seems like a friendly guy.

Do I bite it?

He's had it in his mouth, so, yeah, it should be OK.

He's had it in his mouth?

Give that a miss.

When I was working with Danson over Skype,

I would lay down a very flat tone

and Danson would embroider it slightly with some simple keys,

which is what we're going to try and do again now. Danson, you ready?

HE HUMS CONTINUOUS TONE

DANSON PLAYS KEYBOARD DEMO

Danson, play properly.

No, no, that's wrong. It's OK.

Let's try it again, Danson, OK?

What we did before, remember? On machine?

HE HUMS CONTINUOUS TONE

Now. You have to play now.

-Play... No.

-DANSON PLAYS DEMO

Pressing the, uh...

-He's play next time.

-..the demo.

-He's just playing up.

Is he ready?

He's going to make a monkey out of me.

OK, ready, Danson?

Know what to do?

HE HUMS CONTINUOUS NOTE

Come on.

Come on, Danson, you know what to do.

-HE PLAYS DEMO

-Oh, come on, Danson.

DANSON GROWLS AND BRIAN YELPS

Danson! Calm!

Calm! Calm! Danson, calm!

Calm! Calm!

BRIAN SQUEALS

Get away from me!

DANSON GRUNTS AND BRIAN YELPS

HE SCREAMS

These days, you're just as likely to see recording artists like me

on Later With Jules as you are on the Today programme,

which I'm about to be on now.

Ah, morning, Brian, lovely to see you.

-Hello, John.

-How are you doing?

-I'm OK, I'm OK.

-I love what you're doing, this thing with gorillas.

Love gorillas, great animals, aren't they?

As much as I love rock stars, and they are my bread and caviar,

exposing themselves to the bull pit that is the newsroom?

Terrible mistake. It was awful.

And the time now is 21 minutes past eight.

This week, the tireless campaigner and rock star Brian Pern

launches his new campaign to save the mountain gorilla

with a new charity record and tour and he joins us in the studio.

-Hello, Brian.

-Hi, John.

-Brian, a lot of people are going to be asking

a single question about all this - why?

Why what?

Why is a multimillionaire rock star like you, you're loaded, obviously,

asking the likes of us to donate money for saving gorillas

when we haven't got any money ourselves?

We're broke - why should we care,

why should we listen to you, basically?

We, as musicians, owe the animal kingdom a huge debt.

And these creatures are just as musical as us.

In some cases, even more so.

So, you've released this song which features a real gorilla,

a real gorilla, on backing vocals to raise money.

-Yes.

-What do you intend to do with the money?

Well, we want to use the money to supply

the remaining Rwandan gorillas with bulletproof vests

and also tin helmets

to protect them from poachers.

We also want to train them to use iPads so they can warn each other

of possible attacks and weather systems and so forth.

I can't believe this.

I struggle to get my 13-year-old boy to put his blazer on

to go to school in the morning

and you want to track down thousands of wild animals and put them

in bulletproof vests and hats and then teach them to Skype!

I mean, we're talking here about wild animals, thousands of them,

in dense jungle, and you're going to make them computer-literate

and even if you manage that,

you've got to get a signal into the Rwandan jungle.

The Rwandan jungle is not exactly renowned for its Wi-Fi hotspots.

Brian, you're living in cloud cuckoo land, aren't you?

You are, aren't you?

Come on, are you or are you not living in cloud cuckoo land?

Cloud cuckoo land, yes or no?

-I... No!

-Well, I'll take that as a yes.

-Brian Perry, many thanks.

-Pern.

Pern, hmm.

These days, it's not just the planet that needs saving -

it's music.

When you look at the state of the charts today,

it's not surprising that some of the biggest bands bury the hatchet

and go back on the road that one last time.

# Why can't we be friends..? #

They all say it.

Blondie, Fleetwood Mac, Stone Roses, Velvet Underground, Pink Floyd -

they all say they're not going to reform, but then they do.

Well, The Eagles famously said

they'll only get back together when hell froze over.

It must have frozen over 16 fucking times in the last six years.

It's just so the kids can tick a little box and say,

"I've seen the Rolling Stones."

Did you see them at Glastonbury?

I watched it on TV in my house. I could not fucking believe it.

It was like Last Of The Summer Wine directed by fucking George A Romero.

Bands reform for money.

-INTERVIEWER: It's not cos of the fans?

-No, it's for money.

They couldn't give a shit about the fans.

Usually, one of the group who didn't write the songs

has finished up signing photos of himself at record fairs

and another one thinks he's got Alzheimer's.

The other two claim they're doing it for the first two,

but that's bollocks cos they're doing it for themselves

cos their alpaca farms have been hit by foot and mouth,

they've given all their money to a bloke called Bernie,

and they're six million in debt

and not everyone has the ability to do conga adverts like Kevin Bacon.

-INTERVIEWER: Do you think you'll ever, ever, ever reform?

-No.

You wouldn't want to?

-No.

-Could you be in the same room as him?

No.

I...

I don't think we'll ever...

reform with Brian.

He thinks he's above us.

I mean, he's not even interviewing us now.

One of his lackeys...

..is doing it.

# We are the champions, my friend... #

Rock is an immortal force.

No matter how old or young or decrepit, music will always live on,

through jukebox musicals and tribute bands.

It'll be repackaged and remastered,

in box sets and on reunion tours.

We are indeed the people we thought we might be when we were young.

We are the champions of the world.

# We are the champions

# Of the world. #

CHEERING

BELL TOLLS

So part three is about death?

-It's called "Death".

-Yes, it's called "Death", yes.

And when does all this go out?

It's going to go out the same week as the Brits.

So?

Well, Brian's winning a lifetime achievement award, isn't he?

Not any more, he's not.

-Why not?

-I turned it down for you.

-John, tell me you're joking!

-What do you want one of them for?

If anything in this business means death, it's one of them.

-John!

-Brian!

Not one of my clients has ever won a lifetime achievement award

and that's is the way it's going to stay, all right?

Anyway, they were only going to give it to you if you did a medley

with Miley Cyrus and we don't want her twonking around you, all right?

I've been in touch with some of my friends

at the top end of the culinary world,

principally Heston,

and together we're actually developing a liquorice gas.

That dream will be realised very soon

and I'm really looking forward to that day.

So we've been working on this idea of somehow unrequited love.

You don't really know where it's going to go.

We know about that, don't we, Brian?

We were lovers when we were 14.

What? We certainly weren't.

No, I was 13.

That's not very funny.

At the moment, in this country,

it's the wrong time to say that sort of thing.

Yeah.

Rock is an immortal force.

No matter how old or decrepit or devalued it becomes,

it will live on through jukebox musicals,

tribute bands and photographic albums

-featuring people...

-There's someone in the background.

Excuse me.

We're filming here.

Sorry.

DRAMATIC MUSIC

TENSE MUSIC

MUSIC BUILDS TO CRESCENDO

HE BLOWS TUNE ON KAZOO