Episode 1 Brian Pern


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This programme contains strong language.

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The rock star and campaigner Brian Pern

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has suffered a major heart attack.

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He was taken to hospital in London earlier this evening.

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He is reported to be in a critical condition.

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The last time I met Brian Pern,

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he decided to retire from the music industry,

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while he recovered from his heart attack.

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Now, after a year out of the public eye,

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Brian is back to celebrate 45 years in the music business

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with a new album, tour and this exclusive,

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access-all-areas documentary series on his past...

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-Don't touch these fucking controls again.

-..present...

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Surely the point of getting me in to read your book is

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-because I sound like Martin Freeman.

-Really?

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-..and future...

-I am pregnant!

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..with me, the award-winning film-maker Rhys Thomas, OBE.

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I've come to Brian's home for his first interview

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and public appearance in over a year.

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Hi. Erm, this is Astrid.

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Hi.

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Brian, sit down.

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OK, can I see the set-up?

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Are all these people staying?

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-Yes. Yes, they... Yeah, they are.

-Erm, alrighty.

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Brian, you need to lift your head up. I can see two of your chins.

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Higher. Higher!

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-OK, that's great.

-Come on, that's silly.

-That's great.

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Erm... Can we...

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Can we soften the lens and maybe increase the light

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so we don't see so many lines?

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OK, Brian!

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Back straight, posture. Let's go!

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-Sorry, I have to mention this. You've changed your appearance quite...

-No.

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-Can we cut there, please?

-No, hang on.

-OK!

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Uh, no, we can only talk about Brian's solo

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and future projects, our work with Unicef, mollusc awareness

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and Brian's work with the Prince's Trust.

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But this is about 45 years of Brian Pern.

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How am I supposed to talk about the past?

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You'll work that out.

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OK. Chin up, Brian.

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And roll...

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PROG ROCK INTRO

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CHEERING

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Hello, John.

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Manager John Farrow has flown in

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for his first meeting with Brian since he came out of retirement.

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I don't know who you lot are

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and I've got a meeting in here in a minute, so do fuck off.

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-I'm Astrid.

-How do you do? Fuck off.

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And you.

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Actually, John, Brian wanted to change the way

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-we did things a little.

-Did he really now?

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Well, we'll see what he has to say when he gets here.

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-There's no coffee in here. Why?

-HE LISPS:

-I am here.

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Oh, Jesus Christ!

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Brian, what the fuck have you done?

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I don't know whath you're thalking about.

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Your face. You look...

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-You look like a Bee Gee gone wrong.

-I just had a few nipth and tuckth.

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-And you sound like a Dutchman.

-Yeah, that's the gnashers.

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They're not bedded in yet.

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-How are you supposed to sing like that?

-He sings fine.

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It's just the talking that's the problem.

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But it's only temporary and it is so worth it.

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So, Brian thought that a few more brains would help out

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in the decision-making process from now on.

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Oh, did he really, now?

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And this lot are the brains, are they?

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Well, let's come up with a cure for ball cancer

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and a plan for the Middle East

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-while we're at it, shall we?

-Nice idea, John,

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but I think we should stick to Brian's music career for now.

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Oh, dear, oh, dear.

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So why don't we all go around the table and introduce ourselves?

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-John, you start.

-Oh, Jesus. I can't do all that.

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Really and truly, you know exactly who I am. Who the fuck are YOU?

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-OK, go.

-I'm Suzanne, Brian's dentist.

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Hello, Suzanne.

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Stuart, Brian's Ocado delivery driver.

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Good.

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-I'm Dan, Brian's studio runner.

-Great, Dan.

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And I'm Brian!

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-Hello, Brian.

-Hello.

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This is Serge, my youngest,

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and I am Astrid Maddox-Pern, Brian's wife and personal assistant.

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# Something in the way she moves... #

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I never thought I'd fall in love again,

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and here I am like a puppy dog.

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Erm...

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Obviously, she's a bit younger than me, but that's OK.

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That happens a lot with people of your generation, doesn't it?

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-Ronnie Wood ran off with that young lady...

-We didn't run off anywhere.

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That's totally different. Astrid has a degree in science.

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-And you met her at the premier of Danny Collins.

-Yeah, that's correct.

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Is it a good film?

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It's OK.

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None of us were invited to the wedding, of course.

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Not that we would have gone had we been.

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I mean, he was never really a ladies' man, but...

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Yeah, she's a cracking bit of stuff.

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I was very, very, very, very, very upset when he get with her

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because all the time in the hospital, I were there for him.

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I was feeding him the mushy food, changing his sheets,

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mucking him out like a pony in the stables,

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sitting on his fires

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then as soon as he's well, he's off with her

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and all she is after is his purse.

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For example, at my last wedding, we had a table for ten.

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I mean, that's £100 per head.

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I mean, that's an awful lot of salmon en croute.

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The worst thing about her is she cooks fish.

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All the time - fish in the microwave. It stinks everything out.

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The bedroom stinks of fish, the bathroom stinks of fish,

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the kitchen stinks of fish. Fish, fish, fish, fish. Everywhere!

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I mean, I've known Brian since we were both five years old.

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He was my best man for two of my weddings at least,

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and each time, we bought him a gift which cost well in excess of £100.

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So I did think maybe he'd pick me for this wedding.

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Not that I'd have accepted, anyway.

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He's scared of her. She keeps his blood in a cup. She's voodoo.

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I mean, I don't want to speak ill of anyone, but she's an arsehole.

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OK, so, what's first on the agenda?

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Desert Island Discs are asking

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for your playlist for the show this week.

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Yes, and we have it right here.

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So we all thought carefully, making sure we had an eclectic mix

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of songs to make Brian sound, well, er, relevant.

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Do you want any of your own songs here?

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-Well, I thought it was a bit egotistical.

-Brian!

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Desert Island Discs gets a global reach of 150 million listeners.

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Where else are you going to get that many people

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listening to your latest songs?

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-Which incidentally didn't make the Radio 2 playlist.

-Point taken.

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So pick eight of your own favourite songs from your latest album, OK?

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Right, since we announced your comeback appearance

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at the Isle of Wight Festival,

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the official Thotch fan club are going to hold

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their annual convention on a cruise ship

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on the way to the festival on the day you perform

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and they really want you to appear in person

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as it's your 45th anniversary.

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They've offered you 20 grand and whatever you make on autographs.

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That is a lot of money for a boat ride.

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-Yeah, but not enough, so I turned it down for you.

-Why?

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Because it's tragic, that's why.

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There is nothing tragic about 40,000.

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That could make a difference to so many lives.

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So you think Brian should appear at his own convention on a ferry

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full of Thotch fans from which there is no escape?

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For that money? Yes.

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-Have you ever met a Thotch fan?

-Then you are a very lucky person.

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V Festival people have asked if you want to headline,

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but they're offering half of what Tom Jones is getting,

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so I told them to fuck off too.

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Celebrity...

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Mastermind, Celebrity Pointless, Celebrity Crimewatch -

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turned them all down. And...

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There's another one.

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Oh, yeah, Children In Need. Told them to fuck off.

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-You didn't!

-Why?

-Politely!

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What did you say?

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Fuck off, please.

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I just don't see why you pay him 10% to turn things down for you,

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some of which you should be doing.

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I think you should let him go.

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-Oh, no, no. I couldn't do that.

-Well, why not?

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You can manage yourself. Lots of artists do that these days.

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But, Astrid, I am not a businessman. I'm a musician.

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Well, OK, I'll manage you, then.

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And that way, all the money goes into the same pot.

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Brian has been surrounded by negativity for too long and, erm...

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He's too nice for his own good, so I just jettison some of those

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grey spirits that were draining the positive energy from his aura.

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John's been with me for years. He's good for me.

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And I'm not?

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-Oh, come on now, I didn't say that.

-No, no. No, I mean, I get it.

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All the old boys, they stick together

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and us silly women, we just get to worry about your fucking hair

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-and making your tea...

-OK.

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OK, you can manage me.

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Yeah, great.

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-It'll be good. New start.

-Oh, God, Brian! Really?

-No problem.

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-So I'll call the V Festival and the fan club.

-Uh-huh.

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-And you'll speak to John?

-Yes.

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OK.

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Bye-bye.

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Brian has come to BBC Broadcasting House to record Desert Island Discs.

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Do you think Astrid will be a better manager than John?

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-Yes.

-Do you regret what you did?

-No.

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Brian.

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John. What are you doing here?

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I sent you a voicemail,

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saying I'd be here and buy you some lunch afterwards.

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You didn't get it?

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Oh, Astrid takes all my calls now.

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Oh, I see.

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-That's why I haven't heard from you, then, is it?

-John, I sent you a fax.

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A fax?! I haven't had a fax for 20 fucking years, mate. Why?

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Oh, no reason.

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-Brian Pern?

-Yes.

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-If you'd like to follow me.

-Yes, certainly.

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-KIRSTY YOUNG:

-My castaway this week is a rock musician,

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humanitarian and inventor of world music.

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He first came to fame as lead singer

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of the progressive rock back Thotch

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which he formed at Stowe with fellow pupils Pat Quid and Tony Pebble.

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This summer, he's about to embark on a festival tour

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marking 40 years as a solo artist.

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-He is Brian Pern.

-Hello, Kirsty.

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Let's talk a little bit about your parents, then.

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Your father was a surgeon, your mum, I think, was a teacher.

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Yes, my father was a surgeon. My mother was a teacher.

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And were they musical at all themselves?

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No.

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What's your first piece of music that we're going to hear today?

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My first choice today is a track called

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Succulent Chinese Meal by Brian Pern.

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-That's you.

-Yes.

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And why do you like it?

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Well, it's a track that I wrote

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and this is a new orchestral cover of the song.

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It's on my new orchestral album, which is called

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Strings Attached.

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-MUSIC STARTS

-Pam, cancel the LA flight.

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I'm going to stay in London because of these festivals.

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And dig out the fax machine, would you? Brian sent me a fax, the twat.

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Let me know what it says.

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Time for some more music. What are we going to hear now?

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Well, I always admired the films of Alfred Hitchcock

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and I was appalled to discover they're knocking down his early home

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in Leighton in East London to build a Nando's barbecue franchise.

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I wrote a song about it. I was angry.

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And it's called Dial N For Nando's.

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So there's another song by you?

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-Uh-huh.

-Are you going to pick any songs today by other artists?

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No.

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Right.

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'This is a story about a lovely old house

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-'in London's East End.'

-PSYCHO STRINGS

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'They want to turn it into a chicken shack.'

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-Dermot.

-Hello, John, how are you?

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-I'm all right. And you?

-Yeah. What you doing here?

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-Brian's doing Kirsty Young.

-Ooh, lovely. Great.

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What's all this about Brian not making the Radio 2 playlist?

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Oh, nothing to do with me.

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You could get him on your show, couldn't you?

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Yeah, I mean, it's tricky because our show is kind of

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up and coming bands and he's kind of...been and gone a little bit.

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You could pull a few strings, though, couldn't you?

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I could have done, but then he told Children In Need to F-off when

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they asked him to perform and since then he's been on the blacklist.

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-Oh.

-You know what it's like. No-one disses Pudsey and gets away with it.

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-Oh, right.

-Anyway, good luck, mate.

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-PHONE RINGS

-Fucking Pudsey.

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Little wanker's a stuffed toy with a gammy eye, for fuck's sake.

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Pam? What's it say?

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I'm now going to play you a cover version

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that I recorded of his song.

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It's an orchestral cover on my new album, which is called

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Strings Attached.

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This song is called Kitchu Akka Ba Aga Aga,

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which means "Put the lid back on the jam."

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Put that in your fucking documentary.

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Ta-ta.

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Can I ask you about the time Brian sacked you?

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No.

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Under new management, Brian has now agreed to appear

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on the Thotch convention cruise to the Isle of Wight Festival.

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-Whose idea was it to do this festivals tour?

-Astrid's.

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-What's the reason behind it?

-To get back and connect with my fans.

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Astrid believes that I have become something of a hermit prince

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in a high tower, with my fans way below.

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She believes I need to reconnect.

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Thotch fans tend to come in several categories.

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There are fans of the Brian era,

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there are fans of the post-Brian era,

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there are '70s fans, there are '80s fans

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and then there are the nutcases who buy everything,

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including the awful solo albums by the second bass player.

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We're dedicated!

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We live Thotch, we eat Thotch,

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we breathe Thotch, we shit Thotch.

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Our fans were always more intellectual rather than attractive.

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They were all blokes in the early days.

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You know, greasy-haired men in nylon shirts that smelt under the armpits.

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All the birds were off seeing Cliff Richard.

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Which is ironic.

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Brian Pern!

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Brian's first engagement on the ship is a Q & A session.

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Hi. So, ask away.

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Who did the costume and make-up in the 1970s?

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Xanadu Bramble.

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Er, next question, please.

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How many instruments did you play on your solo album?

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Er, it was six. It was drums, bass, guitar, synth and flute.

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Do you mind if I answer the questions?

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Right. There you go.

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This is the biggest cabin.

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There's baby-wipes on the bed if you want to freshen up

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and there's water in the spout.

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Erm, and I'll be down in the bar doing the auction.

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-I'll give you a shout when we're ready.

-Auction?

-Yeah.

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And this is for you. 20k in there, plus per-diems.

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Don't spend it all at once.

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I thought we were doing it by BECS?

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Er, no, no, no, no.

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Cash is king, mate. No VAT.

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HE SIGHS

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-Brian, can I have a word a second?

-Oh...

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-Not now.

-I just want to talk about the convention while we're...

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You know, I feel like someone's made a monkey out of me.

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Do you regret doing this a bit?

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Don't you think it's, like, beneath you?

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Please, let me just look.

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OK.

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-When you change your mind...

-Just leave me alone!

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Just really quickly.

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I am contractually obliged to do certain things on this vessel

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with certain Thotch fans.

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I am not contractually obliged to continually

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speak to you at every given fucking opportunity.

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OK, all right. All right, just leave him.

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Leave him. Leave him, leave him.

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OK, Thotch fans, are you ready? It's auction time!

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Hello, it's me. Where are you?

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It's my fourth call.

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The guy who runs the fan club is an absolute pipsqueak.

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Pat Quid's bottle-green replica guitar. £2,000?

0:14:380:14:42

Three times to the silver fox at the front. Thank you, sir.

0:14:420:14:45

Just call me.

0:14:450:14:46

-Brian?

-What? WHAT?!

0:14:490:14:51

Oh, please, no more! What are you doing in here?

0:14:510:14:54

I just... Can I just ask you some questions?

0:14:540:14:57

But how did you get in?

0:14:570:14:58

Well, I had the key.

0:14:580:14:59

If you want this to be properly your whole life, you have to do this.

0:14:590:15:03

That's the whole point.

0:15:030:15:04

Buddy, you have overstepped the boundaries. Now take yourself off.

0:15:040:15:09

-There aren't any boundaries.

-No! No!

0:15:090:15:10

How do you want to come across on this?

0:15:100:15:13

Not like this, on my fucking knees!

0:15:130:15:15

You shit.

0:15:150:15:17

'Despite Brian's new wife, new manager and new look,

0:15:170:15:20

'cracks were clearly beginning to show.'

0:15:200:15:23

Right, a little bit of decorum in the room now.

0:15:230:15:24

Are you ready for this, right?

0:15:240:15:26

OK, now, the final lot...

0:15:260:15:28

Unbeknownst to Brian, Astrid has donated the star auction prize.

0:15:280:15:32

One very lucky person will not only get to see Brian perform

0:15:320:15:36

LIVE at the V Festival this year,

0:15:360:15:39

but they will get to spend the whole day with Brian.

0:15:390:15:45

Do I see £1,000?

0:15:450:15:46

£1,000 at the back, sir. Rubbish. £1,500 to me.

0:15:460:15:50

I'm bidding against you.

0:15:500:15:52

Do I see £2,000? £2,000, then, lady at the back. Not enough.

0:15:520:15:55

£2,500, me!

0:15:550:15:57

Do I see 4,000 in the room?

0:15:570:15:58

Gentleman at the back. Marquis of Bath.

0:15:580:16:01

£5,000 to me. Going once, twice, three times.

0:16:010:16:06

Me! Get in!

0:16:060:16:08

Today is Brian's first festival performance since 1975.

0:16:110:16:16

Do you know, I've yet to meet a single festivalgoer

0:16:210:16:24

who I haven't found to be a complete twat.

0:16:240:16:26

You're obviously Thotch fans.

0:16:280:16:30

-You've come all the way to see him.

-Yeah, man.

0:16:300:16:32

-How far can you come to see Brian Pern today?

-About four miles.

0:16:320:16:34

Festivals are an incredibly important part of British history.

0:16:370:16:41

They go way back to pagan times. To the Stone Age.

0:16:410:16:45

Ever since a group of people sat out in a field and a guy picked up

0:16:450:16:49

a stick and banged it on a tree.

0:16:490:16:52

Never enough toilets in the '70s and people would hog 'em.

0:16:520:16:54

Van Morrison was the worst. He used to sing in there.

0:16:540:16:57

He was in there forever.

0:16:570:16:58

The festival promoter would give you a bucket, spade and a dock leaf

0:16:580:17:01

and...you'd just fuck off.

0:17:010:17:04

Everyone had bum grief. It was wall-to-wall vegetarian cooking.

0:17:040:17:08

CHEERING

0:17:080:17:10

Hello, good morning. My name is Brian Pern. This is my new band.

0:17:170:17:20

We're going to play you a song. It's called Spirit Level.

0:17:200:17:23

FUNK BEAT

0:17:230:17:25

SCAT SINGING

0:17:310:17:34

I hate playing in the daylight, you know.

0:17:340:17:35

You can see every oily student,

0:17:350:17:37

drunk, bald people, children dancing about - Jesus!

0:17:370:17:40

I kept looking at this squirrel at one festival. Really put me off.

0:17:400:17:43

It was, like, staring me out.

0:17:430:17:45

Like it hated me.

0:17:450:17:47

I shot it.

0:17:480:17:49

What's the worst thing that can happen at a festival?

0:17:490:17:52

Probably murder.

0:17:540:17:55

Yep.

0:17:580:17:59

-JOHN:

-In 1975, five years after what was the last Isle of Wight Festival,

0:17:590:18:04

myself, Richard Branson and Harvey Goldsmith tried to revive the event.

0:18:040:18:07

A lot of great acts there.

0:18:070:18:09

Mike Oldfield, Kiki Dee, The Who, Clapton, Mike Batt...

0:18:090:18:14

I managed to wangle Thotch as the headlining act.

0:18:140:18:16

What we didn't want was a repeat of what happened at Altamont

0:18:160:18:19

with the Hells Angels,

0:18:190:18:20

so I suggested that we get the Salvation Army for security

0:18:200:18:24

because they were trustworthy, kind and it would send a message

0:18:240:18:27

to people that this was a festival of peace.

0:18:270:18:30

But some fucker spiked their teapot, didn't they?

0:18:300:18:33

PSYCHEDELIC MUSIC

0:18:330:18:35

It was absolute carnage!

0:18:380:18:40

The Salvation Army were very wound up.

0:18:400:18:42

Poor old Don McLean had a tooth knocked out.

0:18:420:18:44

That was a very sad day for all involved.

0:18:440:18:47

There was a big fat bloke.

0:18:470:18:48

And he jammed his tuba on people's heads.

0:18:480:18:51

-Christ!

-And it was happening right in front of us!

0:18:510:18:53

Part of me what thinking, "Christ, what a disaster."

0:18:530:18:56

But at the same time, "Great!

0:18:560:18:57

"What better publicity could there have been?"

0:18:570:18:59

But someone died.

0:18:590:19:01

Well, there is that, I suppose, but...

0:19:040:19:06

I mean, it was a long while afterwards.

0:19:060:19:08

I mean, the bloke was six months in a coma

0:19:080:19:10

before he finally booked out, so you know...

0:19:100:19:13

Did you ever find out who spiked the teapot?

0:19:130:19:15

Yes.

0:19:160:19:18

All right, who was it?

0:19:180:19:19

Well, it's a long time ago, you know.

0:19:190:19:22

I don't want to drag it all up.

0:19:220:19:24

But it would be nice to find out who...

0:19:240:19:25

-I'm not really at liberty to say...

-But you know who it was?

0:19:250:19:28

-Yes.

-Was it a man?

0:19:280:19:30

-Yes.

-Was it someone who was on the bill on that day?

0:19:320:19:36

-Yes, I believe... Yes.

-So it was a man.

0:19:360:19:39

He was on the bill at the festival.

0:19:390:19:41

Did he have blond hair?

0:19:410:19:42

-No.

-Brown hair?

0:19:440:19:45

-No, but what does it...

-Did he have red hair?

0:19:460:19:49

Yes.

0:19:510:19:52

Did this person write the music for The Wombles...

0:19:520:19:56

and Watership Down?

0:19:560:19:57

He could have.

0:20:000:20:02

Brian, did Mike Batt spike the teapot that belonged to the Salvation Army,

0:20:020:20:06

which drove several of them crazy on June 4, 1975?

0:20:060:20:11

Yes or no?

0:20:110:20:12

Yes.

0:20:120:20:13

Thank you.

0:20:130:20:14

It's the evening after Brian's triumphant performance

0:20:170:20:19

on the Isle of Wight.

0:20:190:20:21

With his wife away,

0:20:210:20:22

he has decided to get into the festival spirit by camping overnight.

0:20:220:20:26

Hello, darling. How are you?

0:20:260:20:28

Oh... Hi. Hi, Brian.

0:20:280:20:31

-Is this a bad time?

-No...

0:20:310:20:34

No, I, er... I just got Serge off, so...

0:20:340:20:37

-Um... How was the show?

-Oh, it was great.

0:20:380:20:41

-Yeah. Did you see it?

-Er, no.

0:20:410:20:44

No, they don't have iPlayer here, which is really annoying.

0:20:440:20:49

Brian...

0:20:500:20:51

-SHE YAWNS

-I am so tired!

0:20:510:20:54

It's just with the jet lag and the time difference,

0:20:540:20:57

it just really messes with my aura.

0:20:570:21:00

But you're in the South of France?

0:21:000:21:02

Martin Kemp is behind you.

0:21:040:21:05

Oh!

0:21:070:21:08

God, what are you doing?

0:21:080:21:10

I... I'm sorry. Er, it's the wrong room.

0:21:120:21:14

-I'm supposed to be seeing this other woman next door.

-Right.

0:21:140:21:18

All right, Bri? Saw the show tonight. It was brilliant.

0:21:180:21:21

-Watched it all on the iPlayer.

-Er, no. No, no, we didn't.

0:21:210:21:25

We didn't? No, we...

0:21:250:21:28

Oh, that's right, we were watching something completely different.

0:21:280:21:31

You know, I wasn't paying attention.

0:21:310:21:34

So, anyway, you...

0:21:340:21:35

Er, I'll leave you to it, then. All right.

0:21:350:21:37

Sorry about the confusion!

0:21:370:21:39

See you, Bri.

0:21:390:21:41

Goodnight, Martin.

0:21:410:21:43

SHE YAWNS

0:21:430:21:45

Brian, I am just so tired.

0:21:450:21:47

So, erm, I'll call you in the morning.

0:21:470:21:50

All clear?

0:21:520:21:53

I've done it again, haven't I?

0:21:580:22:01

Erm...

0:22:010:22:02

I'll get me eyes tested.

0:22:020:22:05

Good luck with the, erm, other woman.

0:22:050:22:07

Goodnight.

0:22:090:22:11

-OK.

-All clear?

0:22:130:22:15

PHONE RINGS

0:22:190:22:21

-Who's that? Going to get it?

-It's Brian, no.

-No, ask him over.

-No, no!

0:22:220:22:27

He's a user. If his woman not around, he wants me. No!

0:22:270:22:32

-Fuck you, Brian. No.

-Oh!

-Do not answer that. No!

0:22:320:22:36

-Don't be a party pooper.

-No, I'm going to bed. I'm going to bed.

0:22:360:22:40

Bloody zips.

0:22:400:22:41

Give us a toke on that.

0:22:410:22:42

Hello?

0:22:480:22:51

Oh, hello, Brian.

0:22:510:22:52

What are you calling me at this time for?

0:22:520:22:55

Yeah, yeah. I can... Yeah, yeah, yeah,

0:22:550:22:57

I can sort that out. No problem. Yeah.

0:22:570:23:00

Leave it with me, pal.

0:23:000:23:01

Three weeks later, the remaining members of Thotch announce

0:23:040:23:07

they are to reform without Brian and headline the V Festival -

0:23:070:23:10

one of the hottest tickets of the summer.

0:23:100:23:13

Thotch are now reforming without you.

0:23:130:23:15

The four members are coming back together again,

0:23:150:23:17

and they're going to play the Virgin Festival.

0:23:170:23:19

I saw how you felt when you found out

0:23:190:23:21

they were higher than you on the bill.

0:23:210:23:22

It's the new set list for the V Festival - you might want to have a look.

0:23:220:23:25

Where am I? I'm not headlining.

0:23:270:23:29

-SHE SIGHS

-You're down between The Charlatans and Black Lace.

0:23:290:23:33

Sad to say I think it may be John Farrow doing some skulduggery

0:23:330:23:36

behind the scenes.

0:23:360:23:38

You know, he's stirring the pot.

0:23:380:23:40

Putting the different ingredients in. The wizard, the toad.

0:23:400:23:44

Oh, I would never do a thing like that.

0:23:440:23:47

No, Thotch were asked to reform last minute.

0:23:470:23:49

Pat and Tony thought it would be fun for old times' sake.

0:23:490:23:52

We approach Brian's manager, who declined the offer.

0:23:520:23:55

And so we went ahead without him.

0:23:550:23:57

Brian and Astrid are on their way to the V Festival in Manchester

0:24:000:24:04

with fan club president, Perry Booth.

0:24:040:24:06

But, halfway there, the train makes an unexpected stop.

0:24:080:24:11

With only a few hours before the show, the timing could not be worse.

0:24:110:24:15

Oh, excuse me.

0:24:150:24:17

-But what is going on?

-Sorry, madam.

0:24:170:24:19

I can't really say at the moment.

0:24:190:24:20

-HE LAUGHS LOUDLY

-The driver will be making an announcement.

0:24:200:24:23

Yes, but how long?

0:24:230:24:24

He's performing at the V Festival in a few hours.

0:24:240:24:27

Madam, I really can't say.

0:24:270:24:28

TANNOY: I'm sorry for the delay, ladies and gentlemen.

0:24:300:24:33

But I'm afraid we have hit a herd of cows crossing the track.

0:24:330:24:36

The emergency services are on their way,

0:24:360:24:39

but we expect to be here for some time.

0:24:390:24:41

As a mark of respect, the roast beef baps are off the menu.

0:24:410:24:44

Oh, God.

0:24:440:24:45

You're kidding me!

0:24:450:24:46

We really need to get off this train,

0:24:460:24:48

because if you don't turn up to the concert, we don't get paid.

0:24:480:24:51

I tell you, we'd be lucky if we move out of here by midnight.

0:24:510:24:54

I'm going to go to the other end of the train.

0:24:540:24:56

See if someone there has a signal.

0:24:560:24:57

I'm going to go and speak to the driver.

0:24:570:25:00

It's supposed to be my day.

0:25:000:25:02

I've got Chas, Dave,

0:25:020:25:03

half of Quo, a third of Thotch,

0:25:030:25:06

a fifth of Yes and Florence and her fucking Machine stuck here.

0:25:060:25:08

They've got to get off the train now to stand a rat-arse chance of

0:25:080:25:11

getting on stage on time in Manchester.

0:25:110:25:13

There are huge penalty payments for not appearing and we don't get paid.

0:25:130:25:16

Are Virgin going to pick that up? Not a chance.

0:25:160:25:18

You must understand that I have to follow procedure.

0:25:180:25:21

Can I offer you complimentary tea and coffee from the buffet?

0:25:210:25:24

As you know, our travelling chef is on board.

0:25:240:25:26

I couldn't give a solitary bollock about the travelling chef.

0:25:260:25:28

30 seconds is all it takes to open that door and let us off.

0:25:280:25:31

John, you've got to help me. Please!

0:25:310:25:33

-Somebody say something?

-I didn't know you were on the train.

0:25:340:25:36

There it goes again. Whatever could it be?

0:25:360:25:38

Come on, darling. Open the doors.

0:25:380:25:40

I'm sorry, but I can't.

0:25:400:25:42

Come on, love, give it a rest, will you?

0:25:420:25:44

Right. Who do I have to call to get you to open these doors? Because this is getting serious.

0:25:440:25:48

-Now, is it money you want? Have you got a relative who wants to get on The Voice?

-I am sorry, sir.

0:25:480:25:52

I will not be bribed. We have a herd of cows out there in a critical condition.

0:25:520:25:56

Hello, Richard. John Farrow.

0:25:560:25:57

You got a signal?

0:25:570:25:58

Yeah, if you could.

0:25:580:26:00

We've got stuck on one of your trains which appears

0:26:000:26:02

to have ground to a halt on the way to the V Festival

0:26:020:26:05

and your driver won't let us off.

0:26:050:26:08

Yeah... Well, there's me, Chas, Dave,

0:26:080:26:11

Wakeman, Parfitt, Pebble...

0:26:110:26:13

-And Brian Pern, and his wife Astrid, and a fan.

-Yeah, that's all.

0:26:130:26:17

Oh, well, that's very generous, Richard.

0:26:180:26:21

No, that's brilliant.

0:26:210:26:22

-There you are. He says yes.

-Who says yes?

-Richard Branson.

0:26:220:26:25

-How do I know that's Richard Branson?

-Look.

0:26:250:26:27

That just says Richard. How do I know that's Richard Branson?

0:26:270:26:30

-That could be any Richard.

-Speak to him.

0:26:300:26:32

Hello, is that Richard Branson?

0:26:320:26:35

Oh, it is you, sir. Yes, sir. Yes, sir.

0:26:360:26:38

Of course I will open the doors, sir. Of course, yeah.

0:26:380:26:41

Right, that's it. Yeah, it's him.

0:26:410:26:42

Richard? Thank you.

0:26:430:26:45

Sorry about that. Come on, then, off.

0:26:450:26:47

I'm not happy about this, but don't let anybody see.

0:26:470:26:50

How are you getting on?

0:26:530:26:54

John, please! You've got to help me.

0:26:540:26:57

Speak to your agent, Brian. You're not my problem any more. Ta-ta.

0:26:570:27:01

John? Open the door! John!

0:27:010:27:02

I can't believe this.

0:27:040:27:05

-Do you know Richard Branson?

-Now, Brian, breathe.

0:27:050:27:07

I can't believe this is happening.

0:27:070:27:10

-Come on, then. Hurry up.

-Oh, Johnny!

0:27:130:27:16

He's sending a helicopter.

0:27:160:27:17

-We should get there on time.

-I love you.

-Yeah, yeah, yeah, all right.

0:27:170:27:20

That's enough.

0:27:200:27:21

How can I ever repay you?

0:27:210:27:23

Well, you know what you got to do.

0:27:230:27:25

I'll send you a fax.

0:27:280:27:29

Brian? What are you doing?

0:27:290:27:31

Brian?

0:27:310:27:32

I wouldn't get too upset if I were you.

0:27:340:27:36

He fucked two Thotch fans at the Isle of Wight Festival.

0:27:360:27:39

One of them were 56.

0:27:390:27:40

TANNOY: The buffet car is now open.

0:27:400:27:42

Today, our special lunch is a deep-fried Stilton parcel ring

0:27:420:27:46

with a salsa.

0:27:460:27:48

Oh, hi. Aloha.

0:27:500:27:52

Come in.

0:27:520:27:53

Enjoy the show? OK.

0:27:530:27:54

That's good.

0:27:560:27:57

That's fine stuff right there.

0:27:570:27:59

Hang on, move up.

0:27:590:28:01

One, two, one and two.

0:28:010:28:03

One and two. One and two.

0:28:030:28:06

Up...over the stile.

0:28:060:28:07

Into the field.

0:28:070:28:09

The cat is in the trap.

0:28:090:28:11

OK, round two. Heads down.

0:28:110:28:14

No-nonsense boogie.

0:28:140:28:15

The church...

0:28:150:28:17

Oh, the church, the steeple, the spire....

0:28:170:28:18

Oh!

0:28:180:28:20

Oh!

0:28:200:28:22

BRIAN GROANS

0:28:220:28:23

Get out!

0:28:230:28:24

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