Episode 3 Brian Pern


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This programme contains strong language.

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It's more than 40 years since the original members of Thotch split.

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They've always been adamant they'd never perform together again.

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-Do you think you'll ever reform?

-No.

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I don't think we'll ever reform with Brian.

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It's not something I have at the forefront

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of my list of things to do.

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Well, if Thotch ever did reform, which I can't see happening,

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-I certainly wouldn't want to be a part of that.

-Why not?

-Cos they're awful people. Especially Pat.

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Wouldn't piss on him if he was drowning.

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Don't you mean if he was on fire?

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Well, whatever. I wouldn't piss on him.

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But this year, all that changed.

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Some breaking news now.

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NEWSCASTERS SPEAK THEIR OWN VARIOUS LANGUAGES

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...Brian Pern and Thotch.

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NEWSCASTERS SPEAK THEIR OWN VARIOUS LANGUAGES

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Thotch are one of the greatest rock bands of all time.

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They changed the face of music for ever and they even conquered Broadway with their jukebox musical.

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-I am leaving the group.

-What?

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And now they're back together, but with a combined age

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of 4,927 ¸ 15, can they pull off their biggest ever show?

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SNORING

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APPLAUSE

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In December last year, the original members of Thotch

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reunited for the first time in 44 years.

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However, it wasn't at Wembley Stadium -

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it was the Royal Courts of Justice.

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Long story short,

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Thotch's first manager - Basil Steele, big Basil Steele -

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sued for non-payment of royalties dating back to 1975.

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He claimed he'd created the name Thotch

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and the font in which it was written.

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-And did he?

-Irrelevant.

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The jury thought so, so we were fucked.

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Do you know what really pissed me off that day?

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It was the artist's impression of me in court.

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I had a serious double chin. I mean, do I?

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So, Pat, why have you decided to reform after all this time?

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-I mean, is it for financial reasons?

-Mmm.

-Is it for the fans?

-Mmm.

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-You said you'd never get back together again.

-Mmm.

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-Have you put...

-Mmm.

-..your past behind you?

-Mmm.

-Are you friends now?

-Mmm.

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Mmm.

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John Farris suggested a one-off reunion

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of the classic line-up to cover the legal costs and make enough money...

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..you know, to retire for good.

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Typically, fucking Brian puts a spanner in the fucking works.

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The band want you to reconsider the reunion concert.

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Sorry, John. My answer is still no. Pepita is due around the proposed date of the concert.

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This time around, I'm determined to be a good father.

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I'm sure they can do it without me.

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Well, it's the...it's the classic line-up everyone wants to see,

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Brian, otherwise it's like Wham! reforming without George Michael.

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I mean, each of you could get a million just for one night.

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As you know, John, money's not my god.

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-Happiness is what counts.

-Mmm.

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There is something else.

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I mean, I'm not supposed to say anything, but...

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When does this go out?

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Er, it's not till the middle of next year.

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Oh, that's all right, then. He'll be well gone by then.

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-Pat's got dementia.

-What?

-Mmm.

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-Well, how is he?

-Well, he's OK, considering.

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It's early days, you know.

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But he wants to carry on while he can,

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cos he doesn't know how long he's got.

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No, of course. I understand.

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Which is why this reunion concert is so important to him.

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But don't worry.

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I mean, if you don't want to do it, I'm sure he'll understand.

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HE SIGHS

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I'll give him a call, then, shall I, and tell him it's definitely off?

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-Mmm.

-Mmm.

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I'll break it to him gently, cos he's had

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so many disappointments just recently.

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What with losing the dog...

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-..and his son joining Ukip.

-Oh!

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And his solo album not charting.

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OK, John, I'll do it. Of course I will.

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OK. If you're sure.

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But don't tell him I said anything, cos...not supposed to mention it.

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He doesn't want any special treatment.

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Oh, John!

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Pat! Pat!

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To understand how Thotch got into this mess,

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you have to go right back to the very beginning.

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We were all born in post-war Britain to very wealthy parents,

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which was a huge disadvantage to us.

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We were shipped off to Stow, where we met.

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Well, pop music was frowned upon at Stow, along with happiness

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and heterosexuality.

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The first incarnation of Thotch featured Pat Quid, Tony Pebble,

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yours truly, Barry Padmore and Bennet St John on percussion.

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That's when we packed our bags

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and moved to London to make a go of ourselves.

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In 1971, against their parents' wishes,

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Brian, Tony and Pat left their studies behind

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to focus on the music.

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With their allowances severed, they set up a stall

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in London's fashionable Kensington Market to make ends meet.

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Cor, what a laugh Ken Market was.

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Absolutely jam-packed with muff of all description.

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You couldn't fail to pull in there.

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It was like shooting fish fingers in a barrel.

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Ken Market, as we called it, in the late '60s, early '70s,

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was so exciting, it was full of people that went on to do all

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these amazing creative things.

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Hank Marvin from the Shadows had a broken biscuit stall.

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He would just set up in a corner with these tins of broken biscuits.

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He would shake them, like that.

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And that would attract people, and then he'd sell the biscuits.

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Alan Sugar, he sold mousetraps.

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Horrible man, always farting in his hand and putting it in your face.

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Disgusting.

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A couple of guys from Queen had stalls.

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I had a clothes stall next to Freddie Mercury and Roger Taylor on one side,

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Brian Pern, Tony Pebble on the other.

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It was like being the filling in a rock and roll sandwich.

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So you had a market stall next to Brian and Tony.

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-Did you get on with them at all?

-No.

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No, well, we couldn't really stand them.

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Pat had a stall selling meat. He got the wrong idea.

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I was mocked for selling meat in Kensington Market,

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which was primarily a fashion and art outlet,

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but it was my ham hock

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that got us a manager, and that of course was Basil Steel.

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At first, I thought they were all noofters.

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Anyway, I buy myself some ham hock on the bone from their stall

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in Kensington Market.

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Brian introduced himself by saying he's in a band

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and they gave me a copy of their demos on this two inch tape.

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I tasted a bit of the ham, which was pretty fucking tasty.

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I said, "If your demos are as good as this ham, I'll take you on."

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And they were.

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Big Basil Steel was a notorious rock manager

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with very unconventional business methods,

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often including violence and bribery,

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who started life in the circus.

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Early on, I was managing the acts,

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organising the sea lions, the chimps,

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getting the elephants in order.

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Elephants are wankers - silly fuckers.

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Their intelligence is well overrated.

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Lions are OK, but you don't cross them, or you're fucked.

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When I went into this business, I learned a lot from the lions.

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You never know if I was going to lick your face or bite it off.

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Thotch were a risk for Basil,

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because they weren't like any other group at the time.

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They didn't fit any category.

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I remember the first concert they headlined

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was the Atomic Festival of Sound in 1970.

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Jethro fucking Tull originally hit the top of the bill.

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Well, I wasn't having that.

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So I grabbed that Ian Anderson by the throat, I said,

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"Fucking piss off home,

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"or I'll shove that flute so far up your shit pipe

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"you'll be farting Greensleeves till Christmas."

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So he did, and that's how we got Thotch on the bill.

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By 1975 we'd had several hit albums.

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Sold out the Rainbow, Earls Court, Hammersmith Odeon,

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but still had nothing to show for it,

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but Basil was having a new swimming pool built

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and driving around in two fucking Rolls Royces

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at the same fucking time. Get it?

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How did he do that?

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Well, he... I dunno, he had, must...I dunno. Fuck me.

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There he was in one and then he was in another. Unbelievable.

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Now, you sued them over the Thotch font.

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That's right, I created numerous fonts as a sideline

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back in the day for when I sent death threats,

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so they weren't traced.

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OK, so... And which fonts did you create?

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Many. Comic Sans, Wingdings, Garamond Bold

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and Pumice Disaster,

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which is what the Thotch logo was written in and still is.

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Every album, single, CD, DVD, T-shirt,

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drum riser, badge, an umbrella sold with my font is mine!

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And I want fucking paying for it!

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In order to pay for it,

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current manager John Farrow has ditched the old font

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and is determined to make as much money as possible

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out of the reunion.

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Merchandise, for your approval.

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This is the Thotch Russian doll, collectors edition.

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It's going retail at 300 quid.

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You've got Tony, Barry, you've got Mike,

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you've got Pat and finally, you've got Brian,

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who turns out to be a USB stick with every Thotch song ever recorded.

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God, that's great. It's amazing what they can do nowadays, isn't it?

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-I'm not happy with the running order of the dolls.

-Why?

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Because it implies that the size of us

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as dolls is relative to the contribution we made to the band,

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so after Tony, Barry's the second biggest doll,

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yet he left the band after the second album, he's never written or sung a note.

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Pat, does it really matter?

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Well, obviously not to you, you're the biggest doll.

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Pat, I am the smallest doll, yet I am not complaining.

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Yes, well you house the flash drive

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containing our entire back catalogue.

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It's as though your head is the key to all our music,

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yet you left the band in 1977.

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So what order would you like the dolls in then, Pat?

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I'm guessing you instead of me. Is this where all this is going?

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Well, why don't we just make it alphabetical?

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That will make you first. No, no, I'm not having that.

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Look, we're a democratic group.

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Why don't we just have all the dolls the same size?

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They wouldn't fit into each other then, would they?

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Tell you what, forget it.

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You'll never see the fucking thing again.

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Let's talk about 1977, the time when you left Thotch.

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What was the catalyst for you saying,

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"I've had enough of this, it's time to go"?

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We were on tour.

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We were supporting Earth, Wind & Fire

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and the audiences were just hating us.

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They came to dance, they came to party

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and there we were doing 14-minute songs about caterpillars and farmers

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and they were pretty angry with us.

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We were lucky in some venues to get out alive.

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So one of the guys from Earth, Wind & Fire came up backstage.

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It could have been Earth or Wind. I don't remember.

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It was a big black guy in a silver suit and he said,

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"Hey, man, you gotta change your sound, man."

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And Pat thought on his feet, and he wrote this rocking track.

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# Civic Center in Portland, Maine

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# April 8th's gonna be insane... #

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How did the lyrics come about?

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Because it's very... It's the most un-Thotch song I've ever heard.

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Pat just picked up one of our T-shirts,

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turned it around and read the list of towns we were playing,

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and that was it.

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# We'll rock you, Philly

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# Tennessee

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# Ohio, Atlanta and Washington, DC

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# Gonna meet ya

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# In a Happy Eater

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# Rock the night

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# At Spudulike

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# Brian on mic

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# And Mike on drums

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# Pebble on keys

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# And Barry on thumbs

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# Don't forget Quiddy

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# The king of guitar

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# We'll rock and roll you

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# Wherever you are. #

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When I sang that song that Pat wrote,

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I could feel every drop of musical integrity draining out of me

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and, at the end, I would be completely spent.

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I thought, "This is not me.

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"This is not Thotch.

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"I'm like a bird.

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"I've got to fly away."

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That's nice.

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Thotch went on to record ten chart-topping albums without Brian

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until they finally split in 1996.

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Since then, the band have all gone on to produce diverse solo projects.

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Brian invented world music, had a string of hit singles

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and a bit of an acting career.

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TARDIS.

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Infinite travel within my grasp.

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Oh, no, Gravis, please.

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Take everything else, but leave me the TARDIS!

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I will have it.

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Tony Pebble composed numerous theme tunes for children's telly,

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including this for BBC Schools and Colleges.

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Barry and Mike put a lot of time and money into business investments,

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especially board games.

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We used to do a lot of hanging around whilst the others argued,

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so we started inventing board games on the side.

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Boggle, that was one of ours.

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Mousetrap, that was one of ours.

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Hungry Hippos, that was one of ours.

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Pop-up Pirate, that was one of ours.

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Frustration, that was one of ours too.

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In fact, I came up with a great game just yesterday called Crazy Mule.

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It's a never-know-when-it's-going-tobuck

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sort of stacking game where you load up a plastic mule

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with a blanket, saddle and other items

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and be gentle, or he might just buck it all off.

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Mm.

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Isn't that just Buckaroo?

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Shit.

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Pat Quid fronted the chart-toppingly bland Pat And The Patios

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and made several albums.

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He recently turned to television presenting.

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Pat rang me up one night saying,

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"Brian Pern's got his rock documentary,

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"Brian May's hosting The Sky At Night,

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"Ronnie Wood's got his own chat show on Sky Arts.

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"Why can't I have my..." I said, "Well, come up with an idea, then."

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Hi...

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..and welcome to Fishing With Rock Stars,

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hosted by me, as ever, Pat Quid.

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And today we're very fortunate to have with us

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rock legend Noddy Holder.

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Perfect fishing weather, Pat, today. Yeah, perfect.

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Welcome to the show, Nod. We're fishing in a canal today.

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-Oh, yes. I can see, yes.

-So without...

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-Yeah, without further ado, let's... Let's fish.

-Let's fish, yeah.

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THUNDER RUMBLES

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Well, unfortunately, Noddy and I didn't have much luck today,

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but do join me next week

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when I'll be with Adele and Fish from Marillion

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in Gloucestershire.

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Hello.

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My parents were killed in a fire.

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Will you be my daddy?

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No.

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No.

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No!

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Are you sure?

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Yes. Yes. Yes.

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I don't want to play with you any more.

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You're just like the boy that lives over the wall.

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This is Eggless Planet.

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Although the band may be at peace in rehearsals,

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a war is about to begin on the world's bookshelves and Kindles,

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as John Farrow has persuaded all five members

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to publish their autobiographies to coincide with the reunion concert.

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They're all so bloody competitive.

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They've all got books coming out this year,

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and these days, it's not just about who sells the most

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or who gets the best reviews,

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it's also about who gets the most famous actor doing the audio book.

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Now, look what's come in.

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-Oh.

-The autobiography.

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Any more thoughts on who you want to do the audio book?

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I did, John, yes. I thought I would do it.

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You'd probably want people to listen to it, though, wouldn't you?

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Well, yes, of course.

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Then I think you should have somebody who could make it sound

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a bit interesting.

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But I am the author, John. These are my words.

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But this is a rock biography, it's not a relaxation tape,

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unless you're happy with people

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being asleep while you're reading it?

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Well, who did you have in mind?

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-Brian.

-Oh, hi! Hi.

-How are you?

-Sorry.

0:16:160:16:19

-How's it going? Nice to see you.

-And you.

0:16:190:16:21

-You all right? Hello, there.

-Good, good. This is Alan.

0:16:210:16:24

Hello, Alan. Nice one. Martin. How are you doing? Nice to meet you.

0:16:240:16:27

-Thanks for coming.

-Thanks for asking me.

0:16:270:16:29

I was very pleasantly surprised.

0:16:290:16:31

I hope what's done is forgotten.

0:16:310:16:33

-No, don't worry about that.

-Are you sure?

-Yeah.

0:16:330:16:35

-Have you read the book?

-I have in a way, yeah, yeah. It's good, yeah.

0:16:350:16:38

-Great. OK...

-Can I get the embarrassing bit out the way first?

0:16:380:16:41

Can I get you... If you wouldn't mind, sign this

0:16:410:16:44

for a very good friend of mine. He's a huge fan of yours

0:16:440:16:46

and yours is the only name from the band not on it.

0:16:460:16:49

-Would you do that?

-Mm.

0:16:490:16:51

This is a bootleg.

0:16:510:16:52

-Whoa, is it?

-Yeah. Where did you purchase this?

0:16:520:16:55

I didn't... No, as I say, it's a friend of mine.

0:16:550:16:57

Would you still sign it, though?

0:16:570:16:59

Because it's for McKellen, he's a huge fan.

0:16:590:17:01

I don't care who it's for, Martin.

0:17:010:17:04

I've been fighting these bootleggers for years.

0:17:040:17:06

I totally understand that.

0:17:060:17:08

I'm very happy to... What would that be? 40, 50 quid?

0:17:080:17:10

Hey, come on, it's not about the money, Martin. It's the products.

0:17:100:17:13

-Yep.

-I mean, this album's not mixed properly. There's no overdubs.

0:17:130:17:16

-You know, the artwork is unofficial. Look at the lettering here.

-Yes.

0:17:160:17:19

-They've spelt divorce with an S.

-Oh, shit, yeah.

0:17:190:17:22

I don't get a penny out of this either.

0:17:220:17:23

-I thought it wasn't about the money.

-God, bastards.

0:17:230:17:27

-Yeah.

-No. I can't sign that.

-No, OK. Thanks.

0:17:270:17:31

Oh, that's really made me angry.

0:17:310:17:33

I cant believe the other members of Thotch signed that.

0:17:330:17:36

45 Years Of Prog And Roll by Brian Pern,

0:17:360:17:39

read by Martin Freeman.

0:17:390:17:42

Chapter One - Inside The Womb.

0:17:420:17:44

Long before I was born, I had rhythm.

0:17:440:17:47

I felt it whilst living in the uterus.

0:17:470:17:49

Can I stop you there, Martin?

0:17:490:17:51

I've got a bit of a problem with that.

0:17:510:17:52

Oh, OK, what's wrong?

0:17:520:17:54

Well, you just sound like Martin Freeman reading a book.

0:17:540:17:56

Well, I am Martin Freeman reading a book.

0:17:560:17:58

Well, I realise that, but the trouble is it's confusing

0:17:580:18:01

because if people listen to that and don't hear the beginning,

0:18:010:18:04

they'll just think it's Martin Freeman

0:18:040:18:06

reading his own autobiography.

0:18:060:18:07

-OK.

-Do you have a different voice?

0:18:070:18:09

-A different voice?

-Mm.

0:18:090:18:10

-Like what?

-I don't know.

0:18:100:18:12

Something less Martin Freeman-ish.

0:18:120:18:14

I mean, this is my book, these are my words,

0:18:140:18:16

-try and get inside my head.

-OK.

0:18:160:18:19

-AS PERN:

-45 Years Of Prog And Roll by Brian Pern,

0:18:190:18:22

read by Martin Freeman.

0:18:220:18:24

-Nope. Can I stop you there?

-Sure.

0:18:240:18:25

That sounds like Brian Pern doing an impression of Martin Freeman.

0:18:250:18:29

It was meant to be me doing a voice that sounded more like yours.

0:18:290:18:31

I'm sorry if I misunderstood that.

0:18:310:18:33

Can you do something a bit different?

0:18:330:18:34

Yeah, sure, like what?

0:18:340:18:36

Something more neutral.

0:18:360:18:37

Erm... Sorry, yeah, neutral doesn't mean much, though.

0:18:370:18:42

Well, just a different voice entirely.

0:18:420:18:44

-A different voice entirely?

-Yeah.

0:18:440:18:46

Do you have a voice that you have?

0:18:460:18:48

I've got lots of voices. To be honest, mate, I've...

0:18:480:18:50

Take a voice from your head and try it.

0:18:500:18:53

-Ready?

-Yep.

0:18:530:18:54

-IN WELSH ACCENT:

-45 Years Of Prog And Roll by Brian Pern,

0:18:540:18:57

read by Martin Freeman.

0:18:570:18:58

Chapter one - Inside The Womb.

0:18:580:19:00

-Hello. I like that.

-Do you?

-Yeah.

0:19:000:19:01

Brian, surely the point of getting me in to read your book

0:19:010:19:04

is because I sound like Martin Freeman.

0:19:040:19:06

-Really?

-Yeah.

0:19:060:19:08

Yes, but I like the Welsh voice.

0:19:080:19:09

You're not Welsh and neither am I, so what sense does that make?

0:19:090:19:12

-Doesn't matter.

-Doesn't it?

-People know my music,

0:19:120:19:14

-that's the important thing...

-Fuck me.

-..and know my face,

0:19:140:19:16

which'll be on the cover of the book.

0:19:160:19:18

It's not actually in the audiobook.

0:19:180:19:20

It's going to need something that is relatable to.

0:19:200:19:22

If I do a bad Welsh accent, Brian, how is that you or me?

0:19:220:19:25

Do it again - Welsh -

0:19:250:19:27

but I want it done with more gravitas.

0:19:270:19:29

With a... Do it as if you were one of the great Welsh actors.

0:19:290:19:32

-One of the great Welsh actors?

-Yeah.

0:19:320:19:33

-Like Anthony Hopkins?

-Perfect.

0:19:330:19:35

-Perfect. You want Anthony Hopkins.

-Yes, that would be good. Try that.

0:19:350:19:38

I tell you what, why don't you fucking hire Anthony Hopkins?

0:19:380:19:40

Then we'll all be a lot happier. Jesus Christ!

0:19:400:19:43

Can we hire Anthony Hopkins or will he be too expensive?

0:19:430:19:45

Do me a favour will you, Brian?

0:19:450:19:47

Lose my number.

0:19:470:19:48

Oh, I don't have your number, I don't think, so I can't...

0:19:480:19:51

-DOOR CLOSES

-..lose it.

0:19:510:19:53

Actors. Pfft.

0:19:530:19:54

With the reunion concert imminent, extra tickets have been released,

0:19:560:19:59

which sold out in a record-breaking minus 24 days.

0:19:590:20:03

The Thotch reunion concert with the classic line-up

0:20:030:20:06

has to be one of the most anticipated events in rock history.

0:20:060:20:10

Apart from Live Aid, Live 8,

0:20:100:20:13

the Led Zeppelin reunion concert, the Cream reunion concert,

0:20:130:20:16

the Police reunion concert and a few others.

0:20:160:20:18

Despite the buzz surrounding the concert,

0:20:200:20:22

the signs of Pat's illness are beginning to show.

0:20:220:20:25

And it's hitting Brian hard.

0:20:250:20:26

Pat's brain is dying.

0:20:270:20:29

He doesn't know what he's doing.

0:20:290:20:31

The other day he played a guitar solo

0:20:310:20:33

for about an hour and 40 minutes cos he kept forgetting to stop.

0:20:330:20:37

And to see that brain, which is a good brain,

0:20:380:20:43

to see it wither like that is horrible.

0:20:430:20:47

But it's not all doom and gloom for Brian

0:20:490:20:51

as he's about to be a father again, for the third time.

0:20:510:20:55

-HE DOES VOCAL EXERCISES

-Brian!

0:20:550:20:57

-Hi.

-How do you feel?

0:20:570:20:58

I feel OK, but these masks are wrong, they, you can't sing in them.

0:20:580:21:02

They constrict the throat.

0:21:020:21:03

OK. Well, it all went well.

0:21:030:21:05

-It all went well. Very well.

-What?

-The scan.

0:21:060:21:08

-For the baby!

-Oh!

-For this!

-Oh, good.

0:21:100:21:13

It has all its arms and legs in the right place,

0:21:130:21:15

and his head is in the right place.

0:21:150:21:17

-Great stuff.

-Mm-hm.

0:21:170:21:18

Now, you are having a baby.

0:21:180:21:19

-That's right.

-Pepita, she's pregnant.

0:21:190:21:21

And you were saying to John you want to be a good father this time.

0:21:210:21:24

That's right. I'm determined to be a good dad.

0:21:240:21:27

I'm going to be there, start to finish.

0:21:270:21:30

Feeding, you know, when she's expressing the milk at night,

0:21:300:21:34

I'm going to be there.

0:21:340:21:35

I want to erase the mistakes of the past.

0:21:350:21:38

This baby, be it a boy or a girl...

0:21:380:21:41

is going to get me, Brian Pern, there.

0:21:410:21:45

Can we talk a bit more about the expressing of the milk?

0:21:450:21:48

Brian, with the baby coming and everything being

0:21:480:21:51

-so nice with us...

-Yes, we're getting on, that's good.

0:21:510:21:54

-Yes. Will you marry me, Brian?

-No.

0:21:540:21:58

OK, well have a good show!

0:21:590:22:01

-See you later!

-Goodbye.

0:22:020:22:05

Can I ask you about your father and your mother?

0:22:050:22:07

Am I right in thinking that they've never been to any of your shows?

0:22:070:22:11

-Yes, but that doesn't mean anything.

-What was the fallout with your dad?

0:22:110:22:15

He had an idea in his head of me

0:22:150:22:18

admitting someone to a surgery or working for the Ministry of Defence.

0:22:180:22:24

He didn't want to see his son inching his way across a stage

0:22:240:22:29

with a big tail behind him and cat's ears.

0:22:290:22:32

Brian's troubled relationship with his father

0:22:350:22:37

inspired this number one hit,

0:22:370:22:39

I Wish I'd Told My Dad I Loved Him Before He Died.

0:22:390:22:41

I was reading in your autobiography that there was one moment

0:22:430:22:45

where you flew your mum and dad out to see one of your shows, right?

0:22:450:22:48

-What happened?

-I was playing in Las Vegas.

0:22:480:22:51

Career-wise, financially, I'd achieved a lot.

0:22:510:22:55

I was speaking to my mother and I suggested that perhaps

0:22:550:22:58

they could come and see me.

0:22:580:23:00

# Daddy always told me

0:23:000:23:02

# Check the oil in your car every week

0:23:030:23:06

# That way you can sustain a healthy engine

0:23:080:23:12

# From which you'll benefit in the long run... #

0:23:120:23:15

And she said yes. She asked my father, and they came.

0:23:170:23:21

They were put up in a hotel and they were all set to come to the show.

0:23:220:23:26

Er, I had some great seats for him in the circle

0:23:260:23:29

and it was all laid on. I hadn't spoken to him for...

0:23:290:23:31

..years.

0:23:330:23:34

# Daddy, I still miss you

0:23:340:23:36

# I s'pose you were quite a decent bloke

0:23:370:23:40

# The smell of your socks in the morning

0:23:420:23:45

# Ha-ha

0:23:450:23:47

# And your semi-racist jokes... #

0:23:470:23:49

On the way to my solo show in Las Vegas,

0:23:490:23:52

he was travelling down the strip and he saw Michael Crawford

0:23:520:23:55

was appearing in Barnum, and he stopped the car.

0:23:550:23:58

The long and the short of it is he went to see Barnum instead of me.

0:23:590:24:04

I can't put it in any other way.

0:24:040:24:06

HE COUGHS

0:24:060:24:08

Although Brian's dad is not dead,

0:24:110:24:12

Brian imagined he WAS dead to write the song,

0:24:120:24:14

which had the whole world crying into their radios and hifis.

0:24:140:24:20

HE WAILS

0:24:200:24:23

-Do you think he might come to your show, this last one?

-No.

0:24:260:24:30

Brian's dad may not want to come to the show,

0:24:310:24:33

but there is someone else who does.

0:24:330:24:35

Listen, just had a call from Bennett's mum.

0:24:350:24:37

-Oh, no, he hasn't died, has he?

-No, no, no, no, no.

0:24:370:24:40

But he knows you're reforming and he wants to come back and play.

0:24:400:24:43

Bennett was the driving force. He was really the most important member of Thotch.

0:24:430:24:47

It was the biggest blow, definitely, we'd had when Bennett left,

0:24:470:24:50

much more than when Brian left, many years later.

0:24:500:24:52

He was crucial to our success in the early years.

0:24:520:24:55

You don't really mean that, Pat.

0:24:550:24:57

Bennet St John was one of the founding members of Thotch.

0:24:580:25:01

But left the band after only a year, following a battle

0:25:010:25:04

with his demons he could not win.

0:25:040:25:06

He had an addiction to cod liver oil capsules.

0:25:060:25:08

I got a call from his mum one morning, he'd taken an overdose.

0:25:080:25:11

I got round there, the place was absolutely covered

0:25:110:25:13

with empty Seven Seas bottles. I mean, it was ridiculous, terrible.

0:25:130:25:17

Oh, it turned his brains to sausage, but his joints were a marvel.

0:25:170:25:21

He headed straight for San Francisco and when he came back,

0:25:210:25:24

part of his brain was still there.

0:25:240:25:26

When I took over, one of the first things I realised

0:25:300:25:33

was that this bloke was a basket case and had to go.

0:25:330:25:35

Anyway, the guy was there at the beginning,

0:25:390:25:41

maybe he does a bit on the encore, what do you say?

0:25:410:25:44

-I'm OK with that, yeah.

-Yeah.

0:25:460:25:48

Apparently he's booked us a table tomorrow. Who's coming?

0:25:480:25:52

Brian and John have come to meet Bennet at the restaurant

0:25:580:26:01

of his choosing, but the signs aren't looking good.

0:26:010:26:03

He's already 30 minutes late.

0:26:030:26:04

Good even', good folk, and welcome to Ye Olde Medieval Banqueting room!

0:26:080:26:14

-Fuck off.

-Now, if you need sustenance,

0:26:140:26:17

-I want you to say wench!

-Wench!

0:26:170:26:19

-And then we can wassail.

-Wassail!

0:26:190:26:23

Right, that's enough, I'm going.

0:26:230:26:25

-Do you want a lift?

-No. I'm on the Segway.

0:26:250:26:27

Better be careful, though, I've had a bit too much mead.

0:26:270:26:29

-Sorry, had a lot of Japs in tonight. I'm nearly done.

-Bennet?!

0:26:290:26:35

The very same. I always told you I'd be a frontman, Brian.

0:26:350:26:40

-Oh, dear.

-We've gotta stay.

0:26:420:26:46

# Burn, baby, burn... #

0:26:460:26:48

'They didn't dance to this in the Middle Ages, did they?'

0:26:480:26:52

'Well, it pays the bills. Gives me a chance to perform. Play the lute.'

0:26:520:26:57

I'm the musical director.

0:26:570:26:59

The franchise is owned by an oily Turk who knows nothing about

0:26:590:27:03

medieval history except what he's learned on How To Train Your Dragon.

0:27:030:27:08

-But how are you, Bennet?

-I've had my low points.

0:27:080:27:11

I didn't come out of the house for 15 years until I found this place.

0:27:130:27:16

-Cheers, thanks a lot.

-Oh, wassail, wassail! Yeah, yeah! Ha-ha!

0:27:160:27:22

I've been seeing one of the wenches. She's got a television.

0:27:230:27:27

She told me that you were reforming

0:27:270:27:29

and I got to thinking about the old days and, well, here we are.

0:27:290:27:34

-How much do you want?

-It's not about money.

0:27:350:27:39

It's about unfulfilled promise. Friendship.

0:27:390:27:44

But my mum is ill.

0:27:440:27:47

Anything helps. It would be good to get the old Mazda back on the road.

0:27:470:27:51

And I need to pay for a termination for one of the wenches.

0:27:530:27:56

-Thanks for a lovely night.

-Ah, yes - well, come back! Wassail, wassail!

0:27:560:27:59

Ye olde, ha-ha ha-ha!

0:27:590:28:02

I think he'll be all right.

0:28:020:28:03

To be honest, I felt a bit sorry for him.

0:28:030:28:06

I don't give a bollocks about that. How much of our share is he taking?

0:28:060:28:10

We'll give him five grand and a cab home.

0:28:100:28:13

-If he turns up.

-Wassail!

0:28:130:28:15

-Is that...

-Who the fuck's that?

-The fuck...

-Why's he got the uniform on?

0:28:180:28:23

Stand firm, Sir Pebble.

0:28:250:28:29

Where is thy horse?

0:28:290:28:32

Sir Quid.

0:28:320:28:35

What's that cat on your head?

0:28:350:28:37

AND...the other two.

0:28:370:28:40

Wassail!

0:28:420:28:44

No, we realised he was still a complete fucking fruitcake and we let him go - again.

0:28:440:28:48

Paid for the termination. That's the least we could do.

0:28:480:28:51

With just 20 minutes to go and a global audience of one billion people,

0:28:540:28:58

the band are making their final preparations for the biggest show of their lives.

0:28:580:29:03

SNORING

0:29:030:29:05

But it was at this point, minutes before the show,

0:29:110:29:14

I uncovered something I felt I had to tell Brian.

0:29:140:29:17

To be honest, I found out about a week ago, but I decided to

0:29:170:29:20

tell Brian now, as I thought it would make for a better documentary.

0:29:200:29:23

-I know you've got the show to do, but there's something I need to tell you.

-What's that?

0:29:230:29:27

-'Members of the band to the stage.'

-And it didn't go down too well.

0:29:270:29:30

-'This is your five-minute call.'

-Hello, Brian.

0:29:300:29:32

Just telling the rest of them that this

0:29:320:29:34

doesn't have to be the last show ever.

0:29:340:29:36

Just had another offer - Shay Stadium,

0:29:360:29:38

-three nights in the spring.

-Oh, yeah?

-Mm.

0:29:380:29:40

-What about Pat's brain?

-Pat's brain?

0:29:400:29:43

Well, the, erm... The chess and the krill oil have worked wonders, haven't they, Pat?

0:29:440:29:50

Er...

0:29:500:29:52

Yeah, I think with, er, the right brain exercises,

0:29:520:29:56

I could hang on till next spring.

0:29:560:29:57

I'm afraid one of your conversations has been recorded, John.

0:29:570:30:00

Pat? Pat? Steady on.

0:30:000:30:04

You're all over the place - be a little more consistent.

0:30:040:30:07

It doesn't come easily - I'm... I'm not an actor.

0:30:080:30:11

You lied about Pat's dementia so I would agree to do this concert.

0:30:110:30:15

-Uh?

-That will do.

0:30:150:30:17

-Turn them off, would ya?

-No! They stay on. Were you all in on this?

0:30:170:30:22

-I'm sorry, Brian.

-What a wicked, wicked thing to do.

-It was his idea.

0:30:230:30:27

-Brian, listen.

-No, you listen.

0:30:270:30:29

-There's something else John hasn't told you.

-Are we done?

0:30:290:30:31

-Yeah, we're finished.

-When Rhys Thomas was making this documentary...

0:30:310:30:36

Do me a favour, will ya?

0:30:360:30:37

-..he interviewed Basil Steel.

-Give that to Brian.

0:30:370:30:40

Basil gave him a letter he had received anonymously, 18 months previously.

0:30:400:30:45

Why don't you read it to us, John?

0:30:450:30:46

It says, "Basil, I hear you're filing for bankruptcy.

0:30:490:30:55

"You have a case against Thotch. You help me and I'll help you."

0:30:550:30:59

So what?

0:30:590:31:01

Look at the handwriting.

0:31:010:31:03

This is a good luck card I found in my dressing room tonight from John.

0:31:030:31:08

Hang on a minute - I don't believe this, John.

0:31:080:31:10

You sent Brian an individual card - we only got a group one!

0:31:110:31:15

Not that, you bimbo, Pebble! Look at the Bs and Ks.

0:31:150:31:18

-Actually, I need my glasses.

-Get my glasses.

0:31:200:31:22

-Oh, yeah, get mine too

-Yeah, yeah.

0:31:220:31:24

Oh, yes, look.

0:31:280:31:29

J. J's the same...

0:31:290:31:32

-It's the same writing.

-Ah.

0:31:320:31:34

-Whose writing is it?

-It's John's!

0:31:340:31:36

-He organised the court case, everything.

-Is this true?

-Yep.

0:31:360:31:41

-So what?

-But you cost us millions!

0:31:430:31:45

Yeah, but I made you millions more

0:31:450:31:47

and got you publicity that you can't pay for.

0:31:470:31:50

But why would you do this to us?

0:31:500:31:51

I haven't done it to you, I've done it FOR you, because you lot are

0:31:510:31:55

so far up yourselves you cannot see that this industry is finished.

0:31:550:31:58

No-one buys music any more - they steal it and stream it.

0:31:580:32:00

The only way to make money is to play live,

0:32:000:32:02

but you lot won't because of your pathetic, ridiculous egos.

0:32:020:32:06

You've had to be forced to do it because you think your shitty solo careers are more important.

0:32:060:32:10

-What a joke!

-My solo career isn't a joke.

0:32:100:32:13

Isn't it? Mobile ringtones and songs for Mr Tumble?

0:32:130:32:16

JAUNTY MUSIC

0:32:160:32:18

You've got five years before the money's run out - then what?

0:32:180:32:21

You reform when you're 70?

0:32:210:32:23

See, I've done this now cos you cannot live off royalties

0:32:230:32:26

and solo albums that don't sell any more if you

0:32:260:32:28

want to go on living the way you do now -

0:32:280:32:30

yachts, staff, studios, divorces, the lot.

0:32:300:32:34

Why didn't you just tell us?

0:32:340:32:35

I've been telling you for past ten years, and do you listen?

0:32:350:32:38

All right, I've been a bit devious, but you are now the biggest band

0:32:380:32:41

in the world all over the world and do I get any thanks? Do I fuck.

0:32:410:32:45

Well, you can stick your 10%. I don't need it,

0:32:450:32:48

I don't need you. I've got clients who've double what you earn and appreciate me,

0:32:480:32:52

so you can get your wives and your sponging offspring to manage you,

0:32:520:32:54

cos I'm out of that fucking door now and I'm not coming back.

0:32:540:32:57

-John!

-Now, wait a minute, John!

-Wait, John, don't leave us!

0:32:570:33:00

All right, I won't!

0:33:000:33:02

The whole is greater than the sum of its parts, which is

0:33:020:33:05

why you've got a capacity crowd out there

0:33:050:33:07

and God knows how many million streaming online.

0:33:070:33:09

So do us all a favour, would you?

0:33:090:33:10

-Get out there and en-fucking-joy yourselves.

-'Members of the band to the stage, please?

0:33:100:33:15

-'This is your two-minute call.'

-Come on, let's do it.

0:33:150:33:18

'This is your two-minute call.

0:33:180:33:20

Wankers.

0:33:200:33:21

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:33:210:33:25

MUSIC STARTS

0:33:340:33:37

# Civil Centre in Portland, Maine

0:33:440:33:47

# April 8th's gonna be insane. #

0:33:470:33:50

I don't give a shit if you're a founding fucking member.

0:33:500:33:54

You ain't coming in without a pass.

0:33:540:33:56

Let me see the band, now!

0:33:560:33:58

They will confirm my acquaintance.

0:33:580:34:01

Do me a favour, mate, and piss off!

0:34:010:34:03

HE YELLS

0:34:090:34:11

Wassail!

0:34:120:34:13

SINGING CONTINUES

0:34:180:34:20

-# We're gonna rock this station... #

-What are you doing?!

0:34:220:34:26

Security! Security!

0:34:290:34:33

HE BABBLES

0:34:390:34:42

More security!

0:34:420:34:44

# Argh! #

0:34:480:34:50

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:34:500:34:51

After 40 years, Thotch were finally back with a bang.

0:34:510:34:55

But despite the adulation,

0:34:570:34:58

backstage, I sensed a tinge of melancholy in Brian.

0:34:580:35:02

-So, Brian, well done on a great show.

-Thanks very much.

-You must be tired.

0:35:020:35:06

Yeah, a little bit, and my throat is playing up.

0:35:060:35:09

Are you not going to see your parents with all the others, or...

0:35:090:35:12

No, my parents are not coming.

0:35:120:35:13

I did invite them, but they don't generally come to my shows

0:35:130:35:16

and tonight they had a prior engagement, so...it's fine.

0:35:160:35:21

'But what Brian doesn't know is that I've secretly

0:35:210:35:23

'arranged for his parents to come and see the show

0:35:230:35:26

'without him knowing.'

0:35:260:35:28

-Mum!

-Brian!

-You came!

0:35:280:35:31

Well, the Marshes cancelled, so we thought we'd come along.

0:35:310:35:34

It was a heck of a drive from Frinton.

0:35:340:35:36

The satellite navigation system is stuck on Urdu,

0:35:360:35:40

so we didn't understand a bloody word!

0:35:400:35:42

-"We"?

-Your father's here. He's in the corridor.

0:35:420:35:45

He didn't want to bother you. You know what he's like.

0:35:450:35:47

-No, no. Er, ask him to come in!

-Oh!

0:35:470:35:50

It's all right - you can come.

0:35:520:35:55

Hello, Brian!

0:35:550:35:56

Papa!

0:35:560:35:58

You must do something about the parking here. It's a real con trick.

0:35:580:36:01

£8 for the first hour, and £21 for everything after that.

0:36:010:36:05

Did you enjoy the show?

0:36:050:36:07

You did your best, and one can't ask for more than that.

0:36:070:36:10

The audience liked you, you held them enthralled...

0:36:100:36:13

for a time. The Tudor king was an unexpected touch.

0:36:130:36:16

Yes.

0:36:160:36:17

You reminded me of Michael Crawford's Barnum.

0:36:170:36:21

There's no greater recommendation than that.

0:36:210:36:23

Can we leave Barnum out of it?

0:36:230:36:24

Susan.

0:36:240:36:26

Brian's got to understand stage craft.

0:36:260:36:30

And there's no greater exponent than Michael Crawford.

0:36:300:36:33

Well, we do try to combine different elements in the show.

0:36:330:36:36

Some theatrics and also, you know, music.

0:36:360:36:40

Yes! But it's hard to be really...

0:36:400:36:42

transported. Miss Saigon in the West End -

0:36:420:36:46

there was a show. When the helicopter arrived during the finale, I nearly shit my pants.

0:36:460:36:51

Love of my life, congratulations!

0:36:510:36:54

Oh, please excuse me.

0:36:540:36:56

This is, er, my girlfriend, this is Pepita. She's Mexican.

0:36:560:37:00

-This is my father and this is my mother.

-Oh, please.

0:37:000:37:03

Good Lord! Someone's filled you with arms and legs.

0:37:030:37:06

-Yes.

-When's it due?

0:37:060:37:08

Erm, a couple of days.

0:37:080:37:10

-Is it?

-Months? Soon, soon.

0:37:100:37:13

I hope it's Brian's offspring in your belly, and not cocaine.

0:37:130:37:17

BRIAN LAUGHS

0:37:170:37:19

I am so honoured to meet you, please.

0:37:190:37:21

SHE KISSES

0:37:210:37:24

-Don't do that, that's enough.

-My father-in-law.

0:37:240:37:27

That's enough now.

0:37:270:37:29

I very humble, humble.

0:37:290:37:32

-Pepita, stop that! Stop that!

-I got one more. Please.

0:37:320:37:34

-You don't need to do that.

-It's a Mexican thing.

0:37:340:37:37

Susan, we'd better be off. Brian, have you got £20 for the parking?

0:37:370:37:40

-Oh!

-Er, yes, I have.

0:37:400:37:43

-There you go.

-Thank you.

0:37:450:37:47

Brian...

0:37:500:37:52

You did well.

0:37:530:37:54

I was proud.

0:37:560:37:57

Pepita, will you meet me in the car? I want to have a little moment here.

0:38:100:38:13

-Are you crying?

-No.

-I respect your special moment.

-OK.

0:38:130:38:19

All of my life, I felt something had been missing, and that was

0:38:220:38:27

recognition from my father. And when he said tonight he was proud

0:38:270:38:30

of me, it was like the final piece of the jigsaw had been put in place.

0:38:300:38:34

With a baby on the way and making up with Pat, I feel so happy

0:38:360:38:40

and I'm proud.

0:38:400:38:42

And you know what? I feel as if this is just the beginning.

0:38:420:38:46

OK, Ned, after show party, please.

0:38:470:38:51

TYRES SCREECH

0:38:510:38:52

Oh!

0:38:520:38:53

What? Ned!

0:38:530:38:55

Pepita! Ned!

0:38:580:39:01

STEADY BEEPING

0:39:570:39:58

Who hasn't got their seatbelt on?

0:39:580:40:00

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