Best of Burnistoun Burnistoun

This programme contains adult humour and some strong language.

-Scott, come on in.

-I've nae time man.

Remember last week when you couldnae make it oot for ma birthday?

Aye. Aye. Sorry I couldnae make it, man.

It's all right. Mind you phoned me when I was in the pub

and you said happy birthday and have a round on me.

Eh, aye, aye.

Well, em, the round came tae...

..£23.75.

-Right... You sure I didn't say have a drink on me or...

-No.

-..or have one on me?

-No. "Have a round on me" you said.

I remember cos we weren't doing rounds

then you phoned and we switched over to rounds for that one round.

£23.75.

-Right that's thirty. You got change?

-No.

-Right.

Listen I'm no bothered about giving you the money, Scott, right,

but sometimes somebody would say something, as a figure of speech,

and you just wouldnae call them on it, you just wouldnae do it.

Nae idea what you're talking about, Peter.

My name's James Jumpstyle, of Jumpstyle Beds And Chairs,

Burnistoun's only Jumpstyle Furniture Store!

You better get down here for our Spring Sale quickstyle.

Or should that be...Jumpstyle.

DANCE MUSIC

My Jumpstyle staff will sort you out

with all your furniture needs Jumpstyle!

And what kind of bedside cabinet was it you were after, madam?

Jumpstyle Beds And Chairs! Come on down and shop in style!

Shop in Jumpstyle!

-I heard old Biscuity Boyle was down there an' all.

-Aye, aye.

He got stuck in the revolving door and his troosers fell down.

Poor old bugger.

Ahh! Ya couple of bent shots, man!

-Wee tadgers.

-Hey! Don't dingy us, ya pair of rent boys, man!

-Keep walking, Gordo.

-Youse are gettin' knifed, man!

Try to imagine throwing a two litre bottle of ginger over 150 metres,

and landing it dead centre on a target.

That target being a rocket's napper.

That's exactly what my next guest did, Gordon Belford.

-Gordon, hello.

-Hello, Sarah.

So, what's the script with this ginger throwing thing, then?

Me and my mate Jamie were just oot gettin' some swadgers,

on the way back these wee guys started giving us a bit of snash.

-What kind of snash?

-Just kinda calling us bent shots and rent boys and that.

Then one of the wee skelpers said that he was pulling a knife,

so I just flung my bottle of ginger

and, as fortune had it, I doofted it right off his dome.

Amazing.

And is it true you're going to be in the Guinness Book of Records?

Well, apparently I'd have to recreate the throw under Guinness conditions.

Gordon, you have your two litre bottle of ginger.

The wee fud is in position.

Youse are gettin' knifed, man!

Gordon. Good luck.

-CHEERING

-Woo!

AMERICAN ACCENT: I heard Biscuity Boyle was doon there an' all.

Aye, he got stuck in the revolving doors and his troosers fell doon.

Poor old bugger.

Ah! Ya couple of bent shots, man.

-Wee tadgers.

-Hey!

Don't dingy us, ya rent boys!

Keep walking, Gordo.

No, baby.

Us decent folk don't need to stand for no more of this bullshit, baby.

Youse are gettin' knifed, man!

Nobody can withstand my two litre bottle of ginger, bitch!

-You want some, baby?!

-You got him, Gordo.

Come on!

What are you doing, Gordo? You'll never hit them from here!

Ah, you nugget! You cannae even throw a bottle of ginger, man!

Yes!

Davie, your thoughts on today's game.

Well, we've dominated again, but, you know, we havenae scored.

Now, I know the fans'll say we need a top class striker,

but the reality we've got to face here at Burnistoun United

is that the Wayne Rooneys of this world willnae come and play in Scotland.

I'm sure most of them would.

What do you mean?

You might not get the one that plays with Manchester United,

but the other Wayne Rooneys of this world would be delighted to earn twenty grand a week.

But then again, how many of the Wayne Rooneys of this world,

bar the one that plays with Man U,

would actually be good enough to play at this level?

And how would you decide between all these Wayne Rooneys?

Would you trial them? Thousands of them? I mean, where would they all live?

Would you have to set up a special Wayne Rooneys village near the training centre?

Or were you just pluralising the names of football players for absolutely no reason again?

-I'll tell you something. Don't

-BLEEP

-ever offer me that again.

All right? I think I need stitches.

-What happened to you?

-I fell doon the stair.

-What stair?

-The stair in my hoose.

-Where's your hoose?

-Blackmount Street.

-How'd you fall?

-I tripped.

-How'd you trip?

-My shoes are too big.

-How's your shoes too big?

-They're no' ma shoes.

-Whose shoes are they?

-My da's.

-Why's he no wearin' them?

-He's dead.

-How'd he die?

-He fell down the stair.

-How'd he fall down the stair?

-His shoes were too wee.

-How's his shoes too wee?

-He'd stole them.

-Who'd he steal them off?

-Me.

-Right. Take a seat.

Come here a minute.

-What's your name?

-What do you need my name for?

-So I can fill out this form.

-What's the form for?

-The doctor.

-What's he want it for?

-So he disnae need to ask you your name.

-Why does he not want to ask my name?

-Cos he cannae be bothered!

-Why can he no' be bothered?

-He disnae care what your name is.

My name's Ronnie. Ronnie Stokes.

Right, thanks. Sit down.

Come here.

-Ronnie Stokes?

-Aye, Ronnie Stokes.

My name's Stokes an' all. Barry Stokes.

Mine's Ronnie Stokes.

-Barry Stokes.

-Ronnie Stokes.

-Do you know Carol Stokes?

-No. Do you know Davie Stokes?

-No.

-Do you know Stevie Stokes?

-No. Do you know Barry Stokes?

-I'm Barry Stokes.

-Another Barry Stokes.

-No. Do you know Big Sarah Stokes?

-No. Do you know Big Sandy Stokes?

-No. Do you know Ronnie Stokes?

-I'm Ronnie Stokes.

-No' you. Another Ronnie Stokes.

-Aye. My da's name was Ronnie Stokes.

-Ronnie Stokes fae Bishopton?

-Aye. That was my da.

-Aye. That's my da's cousin. Ronnie Stokes.

-Aye, my da. Ronnie Stokes.

-Amazing. How is your da?

I just told you. He's dead.

-Oh, that's right. How did you say he died again?

-He fell doon the stair.

How did you say he fell doon the stair again?

-His shoes were too wee.

-Oh, that's right.

-And how's your da?

-Oh, my da's dead now an' all.

-How'd he die?

-He died in a car crash.

-How'd the crash happen?

-He lost control of the motor.

-How did he lose control?

-Feet slipped off the pedals.

-How'd that happen?

-His shoes were too big.

-How come his shoes too big?

-They werenae his shoes.

-Whose shoes were they?

-He'd got them off your da.

-Where was his own shoes?

-Somebody stole them.

-Who stole them?

I did, look...

I've got them on the noo.

-They look wee.

-Naw. They're fine.

I'll just take your form round to the doctor. Take a seat.

Make yourself comfy.

Sort us a wee drink, Jade, and I'll maybe be on my worst behaviour later.

Hmmmmm.

Have you got a cat?

Aye. I've got a cat. You not a cat person?

No, it's not that. Listen, I'd better go.

-I'm sorry.

-Wait, what is it?

If you're allergic, I'll put it in the other room.

No, it's...

Look, Jade, this might sound mental...

..but when I was 14 I choked on a bit of pakora.

Right.

And when I woke up from the coma...

..I found I could...

-read cats' memories.

-So what?

-All they do is sleep and eat.

-No.

Look, if we're getting into things and suddenly I get a vision

of a bird getting slaughtered or a mouse getting tortured, it'll kill the mood.

It's a house cat. It's never been out.

Don't worry. I'll get you a drink.

God! My arse is so hairy tonight.

Oh!

Cheerio.

And so I've set up office in here and I'm going to run

as an independent candidate for the Burnistoun West seat.

People say single issue candidates are never a good thing for politics.

Well, the needless installation of traffic lights

at that Dekebone roundabout is the single issue around which this whole community has rallied.

If our MP had dealt with this single issue in the first place,

there would be no need for me to do this.

But let's say you win.

You'll need to think about a whole lot more than the traffic lights at the Dekebone roundabout.

Well, I'll worry about that when I win.

I cannae believe we've won.

I was just hoping to make a point, really, but to have actually won

just shows you the strength of feeling people have towards these needless traffic lights

at the Dekebone roundabout.

Which it is now my job to have removed.

I think the police are happy for them to hang around on the spare ground,

but my house backs on to it

and this gang are regularly smashing my windows and intimidating me.

Right. And where is your house in relation to the Dekebone roundabout?

I'm nowhere near the Dekebone roundabout.

I just told you where I lived.

Well, is there some way to get these boys onto the Dekebone roundabout?

What are you talking about?

Put some alcopops down for them, as bait. Lure them onto it.

And then maybe I could help you.

Why should they need to be on that roundabout for you to help me?

Well, I was elected on the Dekebone roundabout issue.

That's where my focus is.

That's reality.

I mean nobody was expecting a hung parliament in the first place.

But for the whole thing to hinge on me was just incredible.

What did the Prime Minister say to you?

I didnae give him the chance to say anything.

I just says, "Never mind saving your own backside,

"what about these traffic lights at the Dekebone roundabout?".

What did he say?

He asked me to be the Foreign Secretary.

Sorry, Mr President, I'm choking on my roll and tottie scone here.

Yes, I know the, the Middle East situation is very complex,

but I feel we can solve it by taking the same approach as I'm taking to the Dekebone roundabout.

Are you aware of that particular chaos?

I've come unfeasibly far in British politics and I suppose it's inevitable

that the thing that got me where I am is the thing that finishes me off.

Is this breaking news?

On the day I finally get the traffic lights at the Dekebone roundabout removed...

Billy Carr's daughter was driving round it in her brand new Punto.

She stopped half way round, expecting a red light.

Force of habit.

Aye. Anyway she took a bit of a bump.

It caused two hundred pounds' worth of damage.

So I feel I've no option but to resign as the Prime Minister of Great Britain.

I cannae even fuckin' drive.

I cannae even drive.

'Oh, come on, mate. There's a whole row of machines here.

'Why have you got to pick the one right beside me?

'Cannae look to my left.

'Cannae look about. Cannae have our eyes meeting constantly.

'Just gonnae have to stare straight ahead.

'Act like I'm focused.

'Go on one that faces the same was us next time, dickhead.'

'What's the score with this arsepiece?

'Acting like he cannae see me when I'm right here.

'Hello arsepiece! Hello!'

'He's looking at me.

-'You cannae look at a guy you don't know when you're that close.'

-'Arsepiece!'

'He's fell into my rhythm now as well.'

'Look at me, arsepiece. I'm your worst nightmare.

'Ha ha ha! Arsepiece!'

'I'm gonnae change speed so that I'm going forward as he's going back.'

'Oh, think you can out-race me?

'Let's go. Let's do it.'

'Oh, he thinks I'm racing him.

'Right, fine, fine you go faster then, mate. Race away.'

'Oh, conserving energy, is it? Hoping I'm gonnae tire out.

'You are not more of a man than me, arsepiece.'

'What's the score with this arsepiece. You fancy me or something, mate?

'Will we touch tongues as we pass next time?'

'Check the way he's looking at me.

'Do you fancy me or something, arsepiece?'

'I hope it's just you and me when I go into the changing room

'cos I'm gonnae smack you one in the mouth, arsepiece.'

'Oh, I hope it's just you and me when I go into the dressing room

'cos I'm gonnae smack you one in the mouth, arsepiece.'

-'Arsepiece.'

-'Arsepiece.'

BOTH: 'Arsepiece.

'Arsepiece.

'Arsepiece.

'Arsepiece.

'Arsepiece.'

All right? I'm Jolly Boy John!

Jolly Boy John wearing shoes is for real!

Jolly Boy John wearing his da's shoes is for real!

Jolly Boy John wearing his da's shoes on his feet and his ma's shoes on his hands is for real.

Jolly Boy John wearing his ma's shoes on his feet and all his da's shoes down his pants

and shouting squirrels all the time is for real.

Squirrels. Squirrels. Squirrels. Squirrels.

Squirrels. Squirrels. Squirrels. Squirrels.

Squirrels. Squirrels. Squirrels. Squirrels.

What you're seeing is all for real!

Do you wish you could be as for real as Jolly Boy John? Get real!

And now on BBC Burnistoun, award winning Scottish drama The Drugs.

-What's that?

-Nothing, Da.

I swear on my mammy's grave, if you've turned to the drugs...

I bought you a birthday card, Da...

It's got a picture of the Virgin Mary on it.

I'm sorry, son.

Since your mammy died...

I'll never turn to the drugs, Da.

Swear to me you'll never turn to the drugs.

I swear to you, I'll never turn to the drugs.

Swear on the Virgin Mary.

I swear on the Virgin Mary.

Swear on your mammy's grave.

I swear on my mammy's grave.

Swear on the Virgin Mary's mammy's grave.

I swear on the Virgin Mary's mammy's grave, I'll never turn to the drugs, Da!

Good. Cos see if you ever do,

I swear on my mammy's grave...

I'll kill you.

Jamie! Jamie! I've turned to the drugs, Jamie!

-Who did this to you?

-MacConnor.

I was working for him, selling the drugs to people that had turned to the drugs.

And then I turned to the drugs.

If I don't pay him back, he swore to me on his mammy's grave he's gonnae kill me.

I can see the Virgin Mary!

Where are the drugs?

I swear on my mammy's grave if he's turned to the drugs... I'll...

No!

He's turned to the drugs.

Fraser. Fraser!

Why did you turn to the drugs? Why?

That's your debt now.

I'm a gangster

and that's your debt.

I swear on my mammy's grave...

Nae son of mine will be in debt to a drug dealer!

I'm taking that debt on, and I swear on Fraser's grave...

You cannae swear on a grave that's no been dug yet. He might get cremated.

Then I swear on my mammy's grave.

If you try to turn my son to the drugs I'll kill you.

No, I swear on my mammy's grave I'll kill you.

I swear on my mammy's grave and your mammy's grave.

All the mammys, all the graves.

Da.

I'm sorry I ever bought you that card wi' the Virgin Mary on it.

But don't worry, you'll no have to look at my face for much longer.

-MacConnor!

-No!

No, Da...

Da...

You've got to promise me, son, you promise me you won't ever...

Promise me you won't ever turn...

Promise me you won't ever turn to the...

What was he gonnae say?

I'll never know... I'll never know...

We're trying to run an ice cream van here, Walter.

Shut up. I am filling my paddling pool now anyway because we're at the beach now anyway.

-There's nae room!

-Yes, there is! I only need enough room

for my handies and my feeties and a wee bit of my bare bottom anyway.

You are not swimming in this ice cream van!

Well, I wouldn't even have to make a rubbish paddling pool beach

if you'd let us go on holiday to Blackpool like I wanted to go to Blackpool on holiday anyway!

There's nae time, Walter. Somebody has got to pay the bills.

I don't see why I should pay any bills. I'm only 17 years old!

-Same age as me, Walter.

-I was talking about doggy years, you idiot!

But you are not a doggy!

I bet you wish I was a doggy, then you can tie me up in your bedroom

and kiss me like you kiss all the other doggies anyway.

Oh, you are a disgusting, disgusting boy, Walter.

I run a grooming service.

Yes, you're the groom and the doggy is the bride!

-What can I get for you?

-Can I have a packet of salt and vinegar?

A packet of salty and vinegary crispies! Certainly.

Walter!

Don't know what you are shouting at me for, I never even done anything!

You just drenched me!

It was a wave, you stupid idiot. It was a wave from the beach!

I'll wave at you in a minute.

Wave you away on the bus back to the home we got sent to when mammy died!

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Look at my lip!

You've made my lip sad now anyway talking about that place!

Well, this is your last chance. You give that wee boy a packet of salty and vinegary crispies! Now!

I cannae see!

My lip is shaking too much anyway!

I just want to go and play my accordion.

Oh, go and play it then!

40p, please.

Thank you very...

Excuse me. I'm just gonnae go and have to have a word with my brother!

Help! Help!

A shark! A shark! Get out of the water anyway!

-Aagh! Aagh!

-Walter!

BANGING

That's it!

Ho!

Ho!

Ho!

Ho!

-Ho!

-DOG BARKS

-BANGS AND WOOFS BECOME A TUNE

-Ho!

Ho!

Right son, what'd I tell you?! Turn that shite off!

In the name of me.

LIFT TINGS

-Where's the buttons?

-Oh, no, they installed voice recognition technology in this lift.

-I heard about this.

-Voice recognition technology?

In a lift. In Scotland?

You ever tried voice recognition technology?

-No.

-They don't do Scottish accents.

Eleven.

Could you please repeat that.

Eleven.

Eleven.

-Eleven.

-Eleven.

Could you please repeat that.

E-lev-en.

Whose idea was this?

You need to try an American accent.

Eleven. Eleven.

-That sounds Irish, no American.

-No, it disnae.

-Eleven.

-Where in America is that, Dublin?

I'm sorry, could you please repeat that?

I'll try an English accent, right.

Eleven.

-Eleven.

-You from the same part of England as Dick Van Dyke?

Let's hear yours then, smart arse.

Please speak slowly and clearly.

Smart arse!

Eleven.

I'm sorry, could you please repeat that?

Eleven. If you don't understand the lingo, away back home to your own country!

Oh, it's that talk now is it? Away back to your own country.

Oh, don't start, Mr Bleeding Heart. How can you be racist to a lift?

Please speak slowly and clearly.

Eleven. Eleven.

Eleven.

-Eleven.

-You're just saying it the same way.

I'm gonnae keep saying it until it understands Scottish, all right?!

Eleven.

Eleven.

Eleven.

-Eleven.

-Oh, just take us anywhere, ya cow! Just open the doors.

This is a voice activated elevator.

Please state which floor you would like to go to in a clear and calm manner.

Calm? Calm?

Where's that coming fae? Why is it tellin' people to be calm?

Because they knew they'd be selling this tae Scottish people who'd be going off their nuts at it!

You have not selected a floor.

Aye we have. Eleven.

If you would like to get out of the elevator without selecting a floor

simply say, "open the doors, please".

Please? Please?

-Suck my wullie.

-Maybe we should just say, "please".

I'm no begging that for nothing.

Open the doors, please.

"Please". Pathetic.

Please remain calm.

Lift me up to that thing. Get me up there!

Right. Just wait for it to speak!

-You have not selected...

-Up yours, ya cow. If you don't let us out these doors,

I'm gonna come to America, I'm gonna find whatever

-desperate actress gave you her voice and I'm gonnae go to the electric chair for you!

-Scotland, ya bastard.

-Scotland.

-Scotland.

-Sco-o-otland!

-Freedom!

-Freedom!

Going up?

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd