Episode 6 Burnistoun


Episode 6

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Transcript


LineFromTo

You're having a good day. Nearly sold the lot already?

0:00:170:00:20

You kidding? Sold nothing, man.

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-Aye?

-This is all I'm selling, man.

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This denim "jaisket".

0:00:240:00:26

All you're selling is that "jaisket"?

0:00:260:00:28

Not any ordinary "jaisket" but, man.

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A denim "jaisket".

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An original blue denim "jaisket".

0:00:320:00:36

-Much is it?

-Five hunner quid.

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What? No wonder you've no' sold it.

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But it's the real thing, but isn't it? That's why it's so dear!

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-The real what?

-A real, original, blue denim "jaisket".

0:00:430:00:48

What like, a Levi's or something? A designer thing?

0:00:480:00:51

No, man. That's the thing.

0:00:510:00:53

That's why it's so dear. It's a real, original blue nae-name denim "jaisket", man, from the glory days.

0:00:530:01:00

Oh, the glory days? The 80s? Like a retro thing?

0:01:000:01:03

-Naw, man, no' the 80s.

-When then?

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The glory days!

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2006.

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How was 2006 the glory days?

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Because I was like that.

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Pure like that.

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With my denim "jaisket" on.

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Yass!

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Aye. Glory days to you, you mean?

0:01:220:01:23

Aye, man, I was like that man.

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Just pure strutting aboot, man, with my denim "jaisket" on!

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"All right, ladies?" Top of the world.

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-Much did you buy it for?

-I didnae, man, found it in a skip!

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I was like that, "What?! An original blue denim "jaisket" in a skip!"

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The glory days man. Summer of 2006.

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Nobody will ever forget it.

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-Aye. Well, good luck to you selling it, man.

-Och, it'll sell, man.

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Don't worry aboot it.

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Well, see if it means that much to you, why are you selling it?

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-Do you need the money?

-Nah, man. Money's meaningless to me, you know?

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I just kind of thought to myself, I've had enough of a great thing.

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I've had my glory days.

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It's time for somebody else to get that feeling.

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Phew, just like that, man,

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wi' your denim "jaisket" on, man!

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Boom, boom! Pure basking in it, man!

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So why not just gie it away?

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No, man, it's got to go to somebody that appreciates it for what it is man, it's got to be meaningful.

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Too many wasters in this world.

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I thought to myself, right money matters to other people, don't it, so if I ask for five hunner quid,

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then I know they're really feeling it, man, then I know it's somebody that really wants it.

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Good luck to you, man. I think it's a hellish looking thing, but...good luck.

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Cheers, man.

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BACKGROUND CHATTER

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-Five hunner?

-Aye, man.

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The wife was wanting a new wardrobe, but...

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I've been needing something like that.

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Tell me aboot it, mate.

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Get that roon' you.

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Ah!

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These are your glory days noo, man.

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-Away oot there and live them!

-Cheers!

0:03:280:03:31

# I pull my blue jeans on I pull my old blue jeans on

0:03:310:03:36

# I pull my blue jeans on I pull my old blue jeans on... #

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CHATTER

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ALARM

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'This is a school announcement.

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'Do the hustle!'

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MUSIC: "The Hustle" by Van McCoy And The Soul City Symphony

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Kenneth why are you not doing the Hustle?

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Because it's stupid!

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Go to the Headmaster!

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James, do you know how Michael and Abby met?

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Eh, no.

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They were contestants on Blind Date!

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Seriously?

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That's mental.

0:05:000:05:02

Yeah, I mean ah, look we really don't want to talk about it, I mean it's, it's just so embarrassing isn't it?

0:05:020:05:08

I mean it's, eh, I'm just not into shows like that at all.

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I mean, I much prefer shows like, CSI, and Law And Order, you know?

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That kind of thing.

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If you were a crime thriller, which crime thriller would you be?

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And that goes to my wife, Abby.

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Hello, Michael. If I were a crime thriller, I'd like to keep you gripped.

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So I think it would have to be some thing like Cracker, because

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just like a Christmas cracker, I'm full of fun and I give a great bang!

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Ooooh!

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Is that one you used on the show?

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One what? Oh, no we don't like to talk about the show. That's so cheesy.

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Speaking of cheese, I love pizza.

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It's one of my favourite things about Italy.

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If you were a country, what country would you be? That's to you, James.

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Me? Um, I don't know.

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Scotland I suppose.

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OK. And the same question to you, Michael.

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Well, Abby,

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I think if I was to be any country, I would probably be the country of Wales because

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just like the Welsh singer Tom Jones "I Want Your Kiss", and just like the

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Welsh dragon, I'd want to be "draggin'" you into my bed!

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Great answer.

0:06:250:06:28

Anyway, are we all enjoying the soup?

0:06:280:06:30

Yeah, no, no it's lovely, James, it's lovely. It's really nice soup.

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-Your wife's a great cook.

-Thanks!

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Yeah, I mean, I think my favourite food would probably have to be apple pie.

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If you were a pie filling, which pie filling would you be?

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And that's to Stacey.

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-Um, I've never really thought about it.

-OK.

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And the very same question to my wife, Abby.

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Well, if I were a filling, I think I'd have to be steak.

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Because just like a steak, I'd be something for you to get your teeth into.

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-And every time I make love to a guy, he always says "well done".

-Wow. That's a great, great answer.

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I mean maybe I should get a job as a cook

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so that I can cook that steak for you, Abby.

0:07:130:07:16

Speaking of jobs. I think being a spaceman sounds like a great job.

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If you could have any job what job would it be?

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And that question goes to myself, James.

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Well, James if I could have any job I think it would

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have to be a job as a gynaecologist, because I now have lots of experience

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of staring at fannies.

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VOICEOVER: 'Well, contestants,

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'who will it be? Will it be horny Abby, who says she's like a cracker? So she must like to be pulled!

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'She also says she's like a steak.

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'Her breasts certainly aren't size medium! In fact, they're bloody rare!

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'Or will it be our Michael, who says he's like the country of Wales.

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'Let's hope no-one finds out about that time he had sex with a miner!

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'The choice is yours!'

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See, scientists, right, are saying that if your pals are fat it's more likely that you'll turn out fat.

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And if your pals are fit and healthy, it's more likely you'll turn out fit and healthy.

0:08:180:08:23

Aye?

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It's pretty much just me and you that hang about together, isn't it?

0:08:270:08:30

That's all I'm sayin'.

0:08:300:08:32

What do you mean that's all you're sayin'?

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Like you're getting at something.

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Well, you used to be like a pencil, mate.

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And I was never like a pencil.

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That's all I'm sayin'.

0:08:440:08:46

What do you mean, that's all you're sayin'? What's your point?

0:08:460:08:49

You're coming in my direction, mate.

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That's all I'm sayin'.

0:08:520:08:54

Stop sayin' that's all you're sayin' when that's no' all you're

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saying and just say what it is that you're sayin'!

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I've had more influence on you, mate, than you've had on me.

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That's all I'm sayin'.

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Pish, mate. Every skinny boy puts on a bit of weight when they get older.

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Aye, cos they're led by their peer group, mate.

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And I'm your peer group.

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I've been leading you.

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I'm your leader. That's all I'm sayin'.

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Listen, mate, see if there's a leader between you and me, right? It's me.

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I'm the wan that decides what we're doing most of the time.

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That's just a front, but, mate.

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See on a deep psychological level, mate,

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you're getting fatter

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and that makes me the alpha male, mate.

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The big silverback.

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The dominator.

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Right. Don't talk about dominatin' me now, mate, right?

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Well, people can make their ain minds up.

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When people realise you're trying to turn yourself into me,

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-you'll know who wears the troosers in this relationship.

-Bollocks, mate.

0:09:470:09:51

Naebody's gonnae think that!

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The science is right there, fatty.

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Science has got nothing to do with people aboot here.

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I was thinking of maybe going for a run. You comin'?

0:10:130:10:15

Nut.

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-Hi.

-Hiya.

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Eh, there's an unnameable,

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unimaginable thing in my basement.

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Right, can I just check your address first?

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Eh, 22 Marigold Avenue.

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And what's the problem?

0:11:010:11:03

There's an unnameable,

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unimaginable thing in my basement.

0:11:050:11:07

-Sorry, that's one of the bungalows, isn't it?

-Aye.

0:11:070:11:10

-Lovely houses, them.

-Cheers.

0:11:100:11:15

Now, have you filed a complaint with us before?

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I've got something down on record here.

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Eh, aye. I was in a few months ago,

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I made a complaint about the noise fae next door.

0:11:250:11:27

Right. Yeah, yeah.

0:11:270:11:30

You said a...

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"A maddening chanting

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"in an unspeakable eldritch tongue

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"that would drive you insane just to hear it".

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Aye, that's right. But that's all done with now,

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because all my neighbours got taken to the moon by cats

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no' long after that.

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All right, well, I'm glad you got that sorted out.

0:11:440:11:48

So what have you come in to see us about today?

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Well, there's an unnameable, unimaginable thing in my basement,

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and I'd like it punted.

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What is the thing?

0:11:550:11:58

It's just a kind of...

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unnameable, creeping monstrosity.

0:12:010:12:04

Right. We'd kind of need to name it so I can get it down on paper.

0:12:040:12:10

It's no' even imaginable, never mind nameable. What do you need a name for?

0:12:100:12:14

Without a name we can't really do anything.

0:12:140:12:16

You know, it's just the form, we need to get the details.

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-Is it a rat?

-Naw.

0:12:190:12:22

Erm, well, what size is the thing?

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It's kind of hard to tell the size of things in that basement,

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because of the non-Euclidian geometry, you know?

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They're really bad for that, those houses.

0:12:340:12:37

Erm, I would say it's probably...

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Cyclopean in scale.

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Like, immeasurably huge, no?

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Such that it would blacken your very eyes with madness. Know that way?

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Could it be a squirrel?

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Is that how you would define a squirrel?

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Can you no' just write down that it's unnameable?

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An unnameable, eldritch horror fae beyond the mind's comprehension,

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that kind of thing.

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Will I just put down "wasps"?

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It isn't wasps, I can conceive of a wasp.

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This thing is unconceivable.

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Erm, well, perhaps if you got it to come in,

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we could maybe get it to fill out a form for us?

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OK, look, I'll ask it if you like, right?

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But I imagine it'll just send me screaming into the abyss or some patter like that.

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Well, what if you get it to give us a phone? Here's my number.

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PHONE RINGS

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Hello, North Burnistoun Housing Association.

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Can I have your name, please?

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ANIMAL GROWLING

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# You gotta do it! Uh!

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# Do it! Uh!

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# Do the Respectable Drunk Man

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# You gotta do it Uh!

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# Do the Respectable Drunk Man

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# Do it, do it, do it

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# Do the Respectable Drunk Man

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# Do it, do it, do it

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# Do the Respectable Drunk Man

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# Do it so your wife don't notice

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# Do it so your wife don't notice

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# Do it so your wife don't notice

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# Do the Respectable Drunk Man

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# Do it so the wife don't notice Uh!

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# Do the Respectable Drunk Man Aah!

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# Waah!

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# Do the Respectable Drunk Man

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-How many books did you buy?

-Ten.

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Ten? You're off your nut.

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You should have been here last night, by the way.

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I was waiting on wan for the big wan.

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-Oh, here we go, waiting on wan.

-Whit?

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You're aye waiting on wan, May.

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"Oh, I'm waiting on wan, Nan. I'm waiting on wan.

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I'm waiting on wan."

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Poking me to tell me about it. Poke, poke, poke.

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"I'm waiting on wan."

0:14:590:15:00

Don't you get narky with me just cos you've got nae luck.

0:15:000:15:04

You've got luck? When was the last time you won anything?

0:15:040:15:07

I'm always waiting on wan, aren't I?

0:15:070:15:09

That's no lucky, May. That's unlucky.

0:15:090:15:12

I don't believe you've ever waited on wan.

0:15:120:15:15

I've also WON at the bingo. WON.

0:15:150:15:19

Nae wonder you bloody win, sitting there wi' 40 books on the table.

0:15:190:15:23

-Ten.

-You're like yon what's-his-name...

0:15:230:15:26

Dustin Hoffman, bloody Rain Man, sitting daein' ten books at once.

0:15:260:15:30

Well, you cannae even manage your four books. You're always at me.

0:15:300:15:34

"What was that number, Nan? I didn't catch that number then."

0:15:340:15:37

Poke, poke, poking at me. "What did that boy say there, Nan?"

0:15:370:15:40

It's that bloody boy, he talks too quiet.

0:15:400:15:44

He's got a buckin' microphone, May.

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We're underneath the biggest buckin' speaker in the place.

0:15:470:15:51

Well, money goes to money, that's all I'm saying.

0:15:540:15:57

-What did you say?

-You heard.

0:15:590:16:01

You're no deaf. You'd hear somebody fart if their arse was in Jamaica.

0:16:010:16:06

Don't you dare accuse me of being rich, May Murphy. Don't you dare!

0:16:060:16:10

All I'm saying is your man left you plenty of money when he passed away.

0:16:100:16:14

Well, one, no he didnae.

0:16:140:16:17

And two, he didn't pass away.

0:16:170:16:20

He fell out a buckin' banana boat in Spain when he was pished out his nut

0:16:200:16:23

and well you know it.

0:16:230:16:25

Accusing me of being rich and well-off!

0:16:250:16:28

'Ready to kick off, folks?

0:16:280:16:29

'And here we go with the first number.

0:16:290:16:33

'Two and eight, 28.'

0:16:330:16:36

Nan? Nan?

0:16:400:16:42

Nan, what was that? I missed that.

0:16:420:16:45

Raining again.

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That's Burnistoun for you.

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Rain, rain, rain.

0:16:530:16:56

Don't start.

0:17:000:17:02

Don't start all that again.

0:17:020:17:04

What? What's that about?

0:17:040:17:06

"Oh, it's raining again." Boo-hoo(!)

0:17:060:17:10

Boo-hoo(!)

0:17:100:17:12

Oh, shut up, you dick!

0:17:120:17:14

I wasn't even talking to you anyway.

0:17:140:17:16

"Oh, water. Argh.

0:17:160:17:19

"Water's gonna fall on me.

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"I'm gonnae get a bit wet. I'm gonnae have to wait for it to dry in. Argh!"

0:17:200:17:25

Right, just leave it.

0:17:250:17:26

"Never mind the fields getting irrigated.

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"Argh. Oh, never mind the reservoirs.

0:17:290:17:31

"Oh, never mind the weans..." having SOMETHING TO DRINK, BARRY!

0:17:310:17:37

"Argh. My trackie top's a bit damp."

0:17:370:17:40

LEAVE IT!

0:17:400:17:43

You hateful man.

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You coward.

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You're a coward!

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Away and open that window and throw yourself oot to your death.

0:17:480:17:52

-You coward!

-You die, mate!

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I hope YOU die.

0:17:560:17:58

I hope you take a bunch of pills and then you lie outside in the rain

0:17:580:18:02

with your mouth open,

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and the rain fills you up like a water balloon.

0:18:030:18:08

Jump. On. Your. Corpse. Mate!

0:18:080:18:12

Argh, argh, argh!

0:18:120:18:14

I cannae wait, mate, until you die,

0:18:140:18:16

all covered in flies!

0:18:160:18:21

Well, I hope everybody dies.

0:18:210:18:25

I hope they find a cure for death.

0:18:250:18:28

Yeah! Yes! Yes!

0:18:280:18:31

And it works for everybody, mate, except you!

0:18:310:18:34

Everybody comes to watch the last man dying.

0:18:340:18:39

Roll up, roll up!

0:18:390:18:41

Come and see the last man to die.

0:18:410:18:44

I HATE YOU!

0:18:440:18:46

I see.

0:18:500:18:51

I don't suppose you'll be wanting this custom-made skateboard

0:18:580:19:02

I got for your birthday.

0:19:020:19:05

It's got our faces on it.

0:19:050:19:07

Legends.

0:19:120:19:14

Legends.

0:19:170:19:19

And these are my Dobercave's holding cells.

0:19:370:19:41

This holding cell is where I keep the Burnistoun Butcher.

0:19:410:19:44

He was selling out-of-date pies.

0:19:440:19:47

Buck's sake.

0:19:470:19:51

And this is the Tale Twister.

0:19:510:19:54

This madman's gimmick is that he always makes sure everything he's involved in has a surprising ending.

0:19:540:19:59

Ha-ha! Just you wait and see!

0:19:590:20:03

HE LAUGHS MANIACALLY

0:20:030:20:06

It's a wee shame, he's off his nut.

0:20:080:20:10

And this...

0:20:100:20:12

This is my arch-nemesis.

0:20:120:20:15

Big Sanny Tollan's boy.

0:20:150:20:17

We've been battling each other all our lives,

0:20:170:20:19

since our first fateful encounter at Burnistoun North Secondary School.

0:20:190:20:23

Come on, you. Let us out. I've no' done anything.

0:20:230:20:26

This man has got a list of crimes as long as my arm.

0:20:260:20:29

That was years ago

0:20:290:20:31

and it was just banter.

0:20:310:20:32

I don't call forcing overweight little boys to shag a pole banter!

0:20:320:20:37

Hey, who's this wee darling?

0:20:370:20:39

This is my new female sidekick.

0:20:390:20:40

You can call me Doberwoman Man.

0:20:400:20:43

Should that not be Doberman Woman?

0:20:450:20:47

HE GUFFAWS

0:20:470:20:50

Anyway, what's a wee darling like you daein'

0:20:500:20:52

hanging about wi' a virgin?

0:20:520:20:54

He'll try to twist your mind against me.

0:20:540:20:56

Ignore him. I'm not a virgin, by the way.

0:20:560:20:59

He's not a virgin.

0:20:590:21:00

Come on, we'll leave him here.

0:21:000:21:03

And don't get any ideas when I turn my back.

0:21:030:21:05

I'm wearing a 100% grogger-proof cloak.

0:21:050:21:09

He's VL.

0:21:100:21:11

I am not Virgin Lips!

0:21:110:21:13

Ask him what kissing feels like.

0:21:130:21:16

He knows what kissing feels like.

0:21:160:21:18

Come on. We'll leave him here to rot.

0:21:180:21:20

See, see! He doesnae know.

0:21:200:21:23

Of course I know.

0:21:230:21:25

It feels like...

0:21:250:21:28

Well, it's not the kind of thing you can explain.

0:21:280:21:31

Show us, then.

0:21:310:21:32

On your hand.

0:21:320:21:35

I'm not...

0:21:350:21:37

One time.

0:21:370:21:39

Nae tongues or anything!

0:21:440:21:45

I'm getting to the tongue.

0:21:450:21:47

What a crap kisser.

0:21:490:21:51

I didnae say I was a good kisser, did I?

0:21:510:21:53

-I just said I had kissed.

-Aye, but you've never had sex.

0:21:530:21:57

Yes, I have, I've done sex about ten times!

0:21:570:22:00

-Only ten times!

-Doberman Man, you're letting him get to you.

0:22:010:22:05

IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE Do you no'...

0:22:050:22:07

RESUMES GRUFF VOICE Do you no' think a superhero with this voice

0:22:070:22:10

has the chance to do sex with loads of lassies all the time every night? I'm the best at doing sex. The best!

0:22:100:22:16

Show us, then.

0:22:180:22:20

Show us on that pole.

0:22:200:22:22

DOBERMAN MAN WHIMPERS

0:22:340:22:38

My powers have failed me!

0:22:380:22:42

Good. That's excellent.

0:22:460:22:47

See you when you get here.

0:22:500:22:51

Right, here's a question for you.

0:22:540:22:56

If you could save one thing fae your hoose if your hoose was on fire,

0:22:560:23:00

what would it be?

0:23:000:23:01

Erm...

0:23:010:23:04

Probably my photo album.

0:23:040:23:05

You wouldnae save that painting of the lassie with the big boobs?

0:23:050:23:10

Imagine it!

0:23:100:23:12

Nah, nah. It'd be my photo album I'd save.

0:23:120:23:15

Aye, that's the only pictures I have of my maw and that.

0:23:150:23:18

I couldnae lose them. Naw.

0:23:180:23:21

Aye, aye, right enough.

0:23:210:23:22

I cannae believe I listened to you on this, Walter.

0:23:380:23:41

Nobody comes to the beach in the winter.

0:23:410:23:43

All the people are going to be here in a wee minute anyway,

0:23:430:23:47

so just shush and get ready for them to come anyway.

0:23:470:23:51

It's nearly dark, Walter. Naebody is comin'.

0:23:510:23:54

-We're going back to Burnistoun.

-No!

0:23:540:23:57

Please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please.

0:23:570:24:01

Shush!

0:24:010:24:02

ENGINE STRUGGLES TO IGNITE

0:24:030:24:07

How can we be out of petrol, Walter?

0:24:090:24:11

You asked me to put enough petrol in the tank

0:24:110:24:16

so we could get to the beach!

0:24:160:24:17

And back, Walter, and back!

0:24:170:24:20

We're stuck here now.

0:24:200:24:21

Well, if we're stuck,

0:24:210:24:24

then maybe I could make you a wee, tiny, wee, tottie,

0:24:240:24:28

wee, tottie, wee, sandcastle.

0:24:280:24:29

Or I could make you a sandbun, Paul!

0:24:290:24:32

What is a sandbun?

0:24:320:24:33

A sandbun - it's like a wee hotdog bun.

0:24:330:24:36

I'll put a wee sausage in it for you.

0:24:360:24:38

We don't have any wee sausages, Walter.

0:24:380:24:41

I make the sausages, you stupid idiot, out of my bum.

0:24:410:24:44

You're disgusting!

0:24:440:24:47

Do you think Mammy wants to hear you talking about things coming out your bum?

0:24:470:24:51

Do you remember Mammy liking bum talk?

0:24:510:24:53

No.

0:24:530:24:55

I'm sorry about the bum talk, Mammy.

0:24:550:24:58

Right, where's the sleeping bags?

0:24:580:25:00

Oh, sleeping bags!

0:25:000:25:02

Oh, can we play Angry Maggots, Paul?

0:25:020:25:05

No.

0:25:050:25:07

Nae Angry Maggots.

0:25:070:25:10

Straight to sleep and then up first thing in the morning to go and get the petrol.

0:25:100:25:16

Angry maggots!

0:25:180:25:20

I said, nae Angry Maggots.

0:25:210:25:23

Angry maggots anyway.

0:25:230:25:24

Right, that's it.

0:25:240:25:27

Angry maggots!

0:25:290:25:32

-Angry maggots anyway.

-Angry maggots!

0:25:320:25:35

-Angry maggots.

-Angry maggots.

0:25:350:25:38

-Angry maggots.

-Angry maggots.

0:25:380:25:40

Angry maggots.

0:25:420:25:44

-Angry maggots.

-Angry maggots.

0:25:440:25:46

Angry maggots.

0:25:460:25:49

Angry maggots.

0:25:490:25:50

That was good fun anyway.

0:25:570:26:00

Aye, you're right, Walter,

0:26:000:26:02

it was good fun anyway.

0:26:020:26:03

Do you remember Mammy used to play Angry Maggots wi' us, Paul?

0:26:090:26:13

Aye. Mammy was the best at Angry Maggots in the whole of Burnistoun.

0:26:130:26:17

I've still got the scars to prove it.

0:26:170:26:19

Aye, she was a wee cheater, but, Mammy.

0:26:210:26:24

Her wee zip used to come doon

0:26:240:26:25

and you'd see a lovely wee face poking out.

0:26:250:26:28

Aye, she was a wee rascal.

0:26:280:26:32

Goodnight, Paul.

0:26:330:26:35

Goodnight, Walter.

0:26:350:26:39

BOTH: Goodnight, Mammy.

0:26:410:26:43

What is that sticking in my leg?

0:26:500:26:53

That's better anyway.

0:27:000:27:02

Look!

0:27:080:27:10

Brilliant, man!

0:27:170:27:19

Yes!

0:27:190:27:20

Oh, yes.

0:27:220:27:24

-Goodnight, Paul.

-Goodnight, Walter.

0:27:250:27:28

-All right, Peter, my man?

-All right.

0:27:320:27:37

-MUSIC: "Looking Out For Love" By Fleetwood Mac

-What's happenin', man?

0:27:370:27:40

Just watching old Fleetwood Mac, man.

0:27:400:27:43

I love this song.

0:27:430:27:44

-# Uh

-Uh

-Uh

0:27:440:27:47

# Uh uh uh uh

0:27:470:27:53

# Uh uh

0:27:530:27:55

# Uh uh

0:27:550:27:57

# Uh uh

0:27:570:27:59

# Uh uh

0:27:590:28:01

# Uh uh

0:28:010:28:03

# Uh uh

0:28:030:28:05

# Uh uh

0:28:050:28:07

# Uh uh

0:28:070:28:08

# Uh uh

0:28:080:28:10

# Uh uh

0:28:100:28:12

# Uh uh

0:28:120:28:14

# Uh uh

0:28:140:28:16

# Uh uh

0:28:160:28:18

# Uh uh

0:28:180:28:20

# Uh uh

0:28:200:28:21

# Uh uh. #

0:28:210:28:23

HE EXHALES

0:28:230:28:25

That can never happen again.

0:28:290:28:33

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

0:28:400:28:43

E-mail [email protected]

0:28:430:28:46

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