Episode 6 Burnistoun

You're having a good day. Nearly sold the lot already?

You kidding? Sold nothing, man.

-Aye?

-This is all I'm selling, man.

This denim "jaisket".

All you're selling is that "jaisket"?

Not any ordinary "jaisket" but, man.

A denim "jaisket".

An original blue denim "jaisket".

-Much is it?

-Five hunner quid.

What? No wonder you've no' sold it.

But it's the real thing, but isn't it? That's why it's so dear!

-The real what?

-A real, original, blue denim "jaisket".

What like, a Levi's or something? A designer thing?

No, man. That's the thing.

That's why it's so dear. It's a real, original blue nae-name denim "jaisket", man, from the glory days.

Oh, the glory days? The 80s? Like a retro thing?

-Naw, man, no' the 80s.

-When then?

The glory days!

2006.

How was 2006 the glory days?

Because I was like that.

Pure like that.

With my denim "jaisket" on.

Yass!

Aye. Glory days to you, you mean?

Aye, man, I was like that man.

Just pure strutting aboot, man, with my denim "jaisket" on!

"All right, ladies?" Top of the world.

-Much did you buy it for?

-I didnae, man, found it in a skip!

I was like that, "What?! An original blue denim "jaisket" in a skip!"

The glory days man. Summer of 2006.

Nobody will ever forget it.

-Aye. Well, good luck to you selling it, man.

-Och, it'll sell, man.

Don't worry aboot it.

Well, see if it means that much to you, why are you selling it?

-Do you need the money?

-Nah, man. Money's meaningless to me, you know?

I just kind of thought to myself, I've had enough of a great thing.

I've had my glory days.

It's time for somebody else to get that feeling.

Phew, just like that, man,

wi' your denim "jaisket" on, man!

Boom, boom! Pure basking in it, man!

So why not just gie it away?

No, man, it's got to go to somebody that appreciates it for what it is man, it's got to be meaningful.

Too many wasters in this world.

I thought to myself, right money matters to other people, don't it, so if I ask for five hunner quid,

then I know they're really feeling it, man, then I know it's somebody that really wants it.

Good luck to you, man. I think it's a hellish looking thing, but...good luck.

Cheers, man.

BACKGROUND CHATTER

-Five hunner?

-Aye, man.

The wife was wanting a new wardrobe, but...

I've been needing something like that.

Tell me aboot it, mate.

Get that roon' you.

Ah!

These are your glory days noo, man.

-Away oot there and live them!

-Cheers!

# I pull my blue jeans on I pull my old blue jeans on

# I pull my blue jeans on I pull my old blue jeans on... #

CHATTER

ALARM

'This is a school announcement.

'Do the hustle!'

MUSIC: "The Hustle" by Van McCoy And The Soul City Symphony

Kenneth why are you not doing the Hustle?

Because it's stupid!

Go to the Headmaster!

James, do you know how Michael and Abby met?

Eh, no.

They were contestants on Blind Date!

Seriously?

That's mental.

Yeah, I mean ah, look we really don't want to talk about it, I mean it's, it's just so embarrassing isn't it?

I mean it's, eh, I'm just not into shows like that at all.

I mean, I much prefer shows like, CSI, and Law And Order, you know?

That kind of thing.

If you were a crime thriller, which crime thriller would you be?

And that goes to my wife, Abby.

Hello, Michael. If I were a crime thriller, I'd like to keep you gripped.

So I think it would have to be some thing like Cracker, because

just like a Christmas cracker, I'm full of fun and I give a great bang!

Ooooh!

Is that one you used on the show?

One what? Oh, no we don't like to talk about the show. That's so cheesy.

Speaking of cheese, I love pizza.

It's one of my favourite things about Italy.

If you were a country, what country would you be? That's to you, James.

Me? Um, I don't know.

Scotland I suppose.

OK. And the same question to you, Michael.

Well, Abby,

I think if I was to be any country, I would probably be the country of Wales because

just like the Welsh singer Tom Jones "I Want Your Kiss", and just like the

Welsh dragon, I'd want to be "draggin'" you into my bed!

Great answer.

Anyway, are we all enjoying the soup?

Yeah, no, no it's lovely, James, it's lovely. It's really nice soup.

-Your wife's a great cook.

-Thanks!

Yeah, I mean, I think my favourite food would probably have to be apple pie.

If you were a pie filling, which pie filling would you be?

And that's to Stacey.

-Um, I've never really thought about it.

-OK.

And the very same question to my wife, Abby.

Well, if I were a filling, I think I'd have to be steak.

Because just like a steak, I'd be something for you to get your teeth into.

-And every time I make love to a guy, he always says "well done".

-Wow. That's a great, great answer.

I mean maybe I should get a job as a cook

so that I can cook that steak for you, Abby.

Speaking of jobs. I think being a spaceman sounds like a great job.

If you could have any job what job would it be?

And that question goes to myself, James.

Well, James if I could have any job I think it would

have to be a job as a gynaecologist, because I now have lots of experience

of staring at fannies.

VOICEOVER: 'Well, contestants,

'who will it be? Will it be horny Abby, who says she's like a cracker? So she must like to be pulled!

'She also says she's like a steak.

'Her breasts certainly aren't size medium! In fact, they're bloody rare!

'Or will it be our Michael, who says he's like the country of Wales.

'Let's hope no-one finds out about that time he had sex with a miner!

'The choice is yours!'

See, scientists, right, are saying that if your pals are fat it's more likely that you'll turn out fat.

And if your pals are fit and healthy, it's more likely you'll turn out fit and healthy.

Aye?

It's pretty much just me and you that hang about together, isn't it?

That's all I'm sayin'.

What do you mean that's all you're sayin'?

Like you're getting at something.

Well, you used to be like a pencil, mate.

And I was never like a pencil.

That's all I'm sayin'.

What do you mean, that's all you're sayin'? What's your point?

You're coming in my direction, mate.

That's all I'm sayin'.

Stop sayin' that's all you're sayin' when that's no' all you're

saying and just say what it is that you're sayin'!

I've had more influence on you, mate, than you've had on me.

That's all I'm sayin'.

Pish, mate. Every skinny boy puts on a bit of weight when they get older.

Aye, cos they're led by their peer group, mate.

And I'm your peer group.

I've been leading you.

I'm your leader. That's all I'm sayin'.

Listen, mate, see if there's a leader between you and me, right? It's me.

I'm the wan that decides what we're doing most of the time.

That's just a front, but, mate.

See on a deep psychological level, mate,

you're getting fatter

and that makes me the alpha male, mate.

The big silverback.

The dominator.

Right. Don't talk about dominatin' me now, mate, right?

Well, people can make their ain minds up.

When people realise you're trying to turn yourself into me,

-you'll know who wears the troosers in this relationship.

-Bollocks, mate.

Naebody's gonnae think that!

The science is right there, fatty.

Science has got nothing to do with people aboot here.

I was thinking of maybe going for a run. You comin'?

Nut.

-Hi.

-Hiya.

Eh, there's an unnameable,

unimaginable thing in my basement.

Right, can I just check your address first?

Eh, 22 Marigold Avenue.

And what's the problem?

There's an unnameable,

unimaginable thing in my basement.

-Sorry, that's one of the bungalows, isn't it?

-Aye.

-Lovely houses, them.

-Cheers.

Now, have you filed a complaint with us before?

I've got something down on record here.

Eh, aye. I was in a few months ago,

I made a complaint about the noise fae next door.

Right. Yeah, yeah.

You said a...

"A maddening chanting

"in an unspeakable eldritch tongue

"that would drive you insane just to hear it".

Aye, that's right. But that's all done with now,

because all my neighbours got taken to the moon by cats

no' long after that.

All right, well, I'm glad you got that sorted out.

So what have you come in to see us about today?

Well, there's an unnameable, unimaginable thing in my basement,

and I'd like it punted.

What is the thing?

It's just a kind of...

unnameable, creeping monstrosity.

Right. We'd kind of need to name it so I can get it down on paper.

It's no' even imaginable, never mind nameable. What do you need a name for?

Without a name we can't really do anything.

You know, it's just the form, we need to get the details.

-Is it a rat?

-Naw.

Erm, well, what size is the thing?

It's kind of hard to tell the size of things in that basement,

because of the non-Euclidian geometry, you know?

They're really bad for that, those houses.

Erm, I would say it's probably...

Cyclopean in scale.

Like, immeasurably huge, no?

Such that it would blacken your very eyes with madness. Know that way?

Could it be a squirrel?

Is that how you would define a squirrel?

Can you no' just write down that it's unnameable?

An unnameable, eldritch horror fae beyond the mind's comprehension,

that kind of thing.

Will I just put down "wasps"?

It isn't wasps, I can conceive of a wasp.

This thing is unconceivable.

Erm, well, perhaps if you got it to come in,

we could maybe get it to fill out a form for us?

OK, look, I'll ask it if you like, right?

But I imagine it'll just send me screaming into the abyss or some patter like that.

Well, what if you get it to give us a phone? Here's my number.

PHONE RINGS

Hello, North Burnistoun Housing Association.

Can I have your name, please?

ANIMAL GROWLING

# You gotta do it! Uh!

# Do it! Uh!

# Do the Respectable Drunk Man

# You gotta do it Uh!

# Do the Respectable Drunk Man

# Do it, do it, do it

# Do the Respectable Drunk Man

# Do it, do it, do it

# Do the Respectable Drunk Man

# Do it so your wife don't notice

# Do it so your wife don't notice

# Do it so your wife don't notice

# Do the Respectable Drunk Man

# Do it so the wife don't notice Uh!

# Do the Respectable Drunk Man Aah!

# Waah!

# Do the Respectable Drunk Man

-How many books did you buy?

-Ten.

Ten? You're off your nut.

You should have been here last night, by the way.

I was waiting on wan for the big wan.

-Oh, here we go, waiting on wan.

-Whit?

You're aye waiting on wan, May.

"Oh, I'm waiting on wan, Nan. I'm waiting on wan.

I'm waiting on wan."

Poking me to tell me about it. Poke, poke, poke.

"I'm waiting on wan."

Don't you get narky with me just cos you've got nae luck.

You've got luck? When was the last time you won anything?

I'm always waiting on wan, aren't I?

That's no lucky, May. That's unlucky.

I don't believe you've ever waited on wan.

I've also WON at the bingo. WON.

Nae wonder you bloody win, sitting there wi' 40 books on the table.

-Ten.

-You're like yon what's-his-name...

Dustin Hoffman, bloody Rain Man, sitting daein' ten books at once.

Well, you cannae even manage your four books. You're always at me.

"What was that number, Nan? I didn't catch that number then."

Poke, poke, poking at me. "What did that boy say there, Nan?"

It's that bloody boy, he talks too quiet.

He's got a buckin' microphone, May.

We're underneath the biggest buckin' speaker in the place.

Well, money goes to money, that's all I'm saying.

-What did you say?

-You heard.

You're no deaf. You'd hear somebody fart if their arse was in Jamaica.

Don't you dare accuse me of being rich, May Murphy. Don't you dare!

All I'm saying is your man left you plenty of money when he passed away.

Well, one, no he didnae.

And two, he didn't pass away.

He fell out a buckin' banana boat in Spain when he was pished out his nut

and well you know it.

Accusing me of being rich and well-off!

'Ready to kick off, folks?

'And here we go with the first number.

'Two and eight, 28.'

Nan? Nan?

Nan, what was that? I missed that.

Raining again.

That's Burnistoun for you.

Rain, rain, rain.

Don't start.

Don't start all that again.

What? What's that about?

"Oh, it's raining again." Boo-hoo(!)

Boo-hoo(!)

Oh, shut up, you dick!

I wasn't even talking to you anyway.

"Oh, water. Argh.

"Water's gonna fall on me.

"I'm gonnae get a bit wet. I'm gonnae have to wait for it to dry in. Argh!"

Right, just leave it.

"Never mind the fields getting irrigated.

"Argh. Oh, never mind the reservoirs.

"Oh, never mind the weans..." having SOMETHING TO DRINK, BARRY!

"Argh. My trackie top's a bit damp."

LEAVE IT!

You hateful man.

You coward.

You're a coward!

Away and open that window and throw yourself oot to your death.

-You coward!

-You die, mate!

I hope YOU die.

I hope you take a bunch of pills and then you lie outside in the rain

with your mouth open,

and the rain fills you up like a water balloon.

Jump. On. Your. Corpse. Mate!

Argh, argh, argh!

I cannae wait, mate, until you die,

all covered in flies!

Well, I hope everybody dies.

I hope they find a cure for death.

Yeah! Yes! Yes!

And it works for everybody, mate, except you!

Everybody comes to watch the last man dying.

Roll up, roll up!

Come and see the last man to die.

I HATE YOU!

I see.

I don't suppose you'll be wanting this custom-made skateboard

I got for your birthday.

It's got our faces on it.

Legends.

Legends.

And these are my Dobercave's holding cells.

This holding cell is where I keep the Burnistoun Butcher.

He was selling out-of-date pies.

Buck's sake.

And this is the Tale Twister.

This madman's gimmick is that he always makes sure everything he's involved in has a surprising ending.

Ha-ha! Just you wait and see!

HE LAUGHS MANIACALLY

It's a wee shame, he's off his nut.

And this...

This is my arch-nemesis.

Big Sanny Tollan's boy.

We've been battling each other all our lives,

since our first fateful encounter at Burnistoun North Secondary School.

Come on, you. Let us out. I've no' done anything.

This man has got a list of crimes as long as my arm.

That was years ago

and it was just banter.

I don't call forcing overweight little boys to shag a pole banter!

Hey, who's this wee darling?

This is my new female sidekick.

You can call me Doberwoman Man.

Should that not be Doberman Woman?

HE GUFFAWS

Anyway, what's a wee darling like you daein'

hanging about wi' a virgin?

He'll try to twist your mind against me.

Ignore him. I'm not a virgin, by the way.

He's not a virgin.

Come on, we'll leave him here.

And don't get any ideas when I turn my back.

I'm wearing a 100% grogger-proof cloak.

He's VL.

I am not Virgin Lips!

Ask him what kissing feels like.

He knows what kissing feels like.

Come on. We'll leave him here to rot.

See, see! He doesnae know.

Of course I know.

It feels like...

Well, it's not the kind of thing you can explain.

Show us, then.

On your hand.

I'm not...

One time.

Nae tongues or anything!

I'm getting to the tongue.

What a crap kisser.

I didnae say I was a good kisser, did I?

-I just said I had kissed.

-Aye, but you've never had sex.

Yes, I have, I've done sex about ten times!

-Only ten times!

-Doberman Man, you're letting him get to you.

IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE Do you no'...

RESUMES GRUFF VOICE Do you no' think a superhero with this voice

has the chance to do sex with loads of lassies all the time every night? I'm the best at doing sex. The best!

Show us, then.

Show us on that pole.

DOBERMAN MAN WHIMPERS

My powers have failed me!

Good. That's excellent.

See you when you get here.

Right, here's a question for you.

If you could save one thing fae your hoose if your hoose was on fire,

what would it be?

Erm...

Probably my photo album.

You wouldnae save that painting of the lassie with the big boobs?

Imagine it!

Nah, nah. It'd be my photo album I'd save.

Aye, that's the only pictures I have of my maw and that.

I couldnae lose them. Naw.

Aye, aye, right enough.

I cannae believe I listened to you on this, Walter.

Nobody comes to the beach in the winter.

All the people are going to be here in a wee minute anyway,

so just shush and get ready for them to come anyway.

It's nearly dark, Walter. Naebody is comin'.

-We're going back to Burnistoun.

-No!

Please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please.

Shush!

ENGINE STRUGGLES TO IGNITE

How can we be out of petrol, Walter?

You asked me to put enough petrol in the tank

so we could get to the beach!

And back, Walter, and back!

We're stuck here now.

Well, if we're stuck,

then maybe I could make you a wee, tiny, wee, tottie,

wee, tottie, wee, sandcastle.

Or I could make you a sandbun, Paul!

What is a sandbun?

A sandbun - it's like a wee hotdog bun.

I'll put a wee sausage in it for you.

We don't have any wee sausages, Walter.

I make the sausages, you stupid idiot, out of my bum.

You're disgusting!

Do you think Mammy wants to hear you talking about things coming out your bum?

Do you remember Mammy liking bum talk?

No.

I'm sorry about the bum talk, Mammy.

Right, where's the sleeping bags?

Oh, sleeping bags!

Oh, can we play Angry Maggots, Paul?

No.

Nae Angry Maggots.

Straight to sleep and then up first thing in the morning to go and get the petrol.

Angry maggots!

I said, nae Angry Maggots.

Angry maggots anyway.

Right, that's it.

Angry maggots!

-Angry maggots anyway.

-Angry maggots!

-Angry maggots.

-Angry maggots.

-Angry maggots.

-Angry maggots.

Angry maggots.

-Angry maggots.

-Angry maggots.

Angry maggots.

Angry maggots.

That was good fun anyway.

Aye, you're right, Walter,

it was good fun anyway.

Do you remember Mammy used to play Angry Maggots wi' us, Paul?

Aye. Mammy was the best at Angry Maggots in the whole of Burnistoun.

I've still got the scars to prove it.

Aye, she was a wee cheater, but, Mammy.

Her wee zip used to come doon

and you'd see a lovely wee face poking out.

Aye, she was a wee rascal.

Goodnight, Paul.

Goodnight, Walter.

BOTH: Goodnight, Mammy.

What is that sticking in my leg?

That's better anyway.

Look!

Brilliant, man!

Yes!

Oh, yes.

-Goodnight, Paul.

-Goodnight, Walter.

-All right, Peter, my man?

-All right.

-MUSIC: "Looking Out For Love" By Fleetwood Mac

-What's happenin', man?

Just watching old Fleetwood Mac, man.

I love this song.

-# Uh

-Uh

-Uh

# Uh uh uh uh

# Uh uh

# Uh uh

# Uh uh

# Uh uh

# Uh uh

# Uh uh

# Uh uh

# Uh uh

# Uh uh

# Uh uh

# Uh uh

# Uh uh

# Uh uh

# Uh uh

# Uh uh

# Uh uh. #

HE EXHALES

That can never happen again.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

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