31/12/2002 Chewin' the Fat

METALLIC VOICES: Go and move that tree

so we can set up the table for the bells.

Get a move on, stupid appearance.

-Miss, I've got my hand up.

-Yes, Tracy Sneddon, I can see that.

The glare from your sovereign rings are practically blinding me. What is it that you want?

Is it true you can't get pregnant if you have sex standing up?

You... You... You... Is this a joke?

-I'm serious, Miss. That's what I heard.

-Who...? Who said...?

Tracy Sneddon, the day you stop looking like you're dressed to turn tricks in a Turkish bordello

is the day I'll answer your so-called serious questions

about se... About...About...standing up.

Miss, sometimes you hear a lot of different stories about it.

You'd think a biology teacher would tell you straight what the facts are.

Yes, well, I suppose I should be... sharing the wisdom of my experience.

Here!

Here! That's not what I meant.

Now, to answer your question, Tracy Sneddon, yes.

You can be...

impregnated if you're...

in a position that's...

erect.

Right, that's enough! When I say that, I mean...

I don't... It's not erect... I don't mean... There's the bell.

And I must go to another class.

-Miss, this is your class.

-Yes, I've also left... I've left a pie in the oven... That's the phone ringing.

So, bye.

Here, do you mind o' this one?

# Well, hello there and how do you do?

# You're the prettiest lady I've seen

# Well it seems to me that recently You must have been a beauty queen

# We're gonna buy you a drink Do you enjoy champagne?

# Baby, this one's for free

# What's it gonna take For you and those diddies

# To come right home with me?

# No need to wrap them To come back home with me. #

-I love songs about tits, do you?

-Oh, aye, aye...

-Aye, aye.

-What are you daein' up so early?

-If it was any of your business, I'd tell you.

-Suit yersel'.

-If you must know, I'm waiting on a letter. ..Anything for me, pal?

-Oh, aye.

Wait a minute...

There's cash-and-carry rubbish and that. It's no' fur you. Aye, three.

Leccy bill and a gas bill.

-That's a bastard when they all come thegither like that.

-Cut! That was great, guys. ..What's your name?

-Ma name?

-Yeah.

-Ronald Villiers.

-The script says, Ronald, that you say, "Aye, three."

-Script?

-Not, "That's a bastard, all thae bills."

-I didn't realise there was a script.

-There is. "Aye, three."

Right. I used to work on the High Road. They never use a script. They walk on, say what they like, then...

-Back to your position.

-Nae bother.

-Show the second letter, OK?

-Right.

-Hold it up.

-We're going to go close up on that.

-Right.

-It's important.

-That's OK.

-First...

-OK. ..You, er, Johnny Beattie?

-Can you take your position?

-Are YOU Johnny Beattie?

-I was told I was going to be working with...

-Please.

Can we go again? Where from? "Anything for me, pal?"

Ready? ..Are we ready? And, action!

-Anything for me, pal?

-Aye, three.

-Anything for me, pal?

-Aye, three.

And wan o' them's a very, very important letter.

Cut! Can we get another postman?

-What's wrong with that? Is that me sacked?

-No, we'll get you something.

-I was panicking there.

-You can keep that in if you want. Postman sacked - that's a good gag.

-Can we go again?

-Some comedy.

Hoose for sale. Big question is, is it offers over or a fixed price?

-The one round the corner - offers over 72, went for 92.

-CUT!

-Am I sacked?

-No, I'll get something else for you to do.

-That's awright.

This bloody seat's kickin' my starfish in.

-What are you daein' up so early?

-If it was your business, I'd tell you.

-Fine.

-I'm waiting on a letter.

-Anything for me, pal?

-Three, mate.

-Cheers.

Here... I recognise this writing. Do you?

RONALD WHISTLES EASTENDERS THEME

CUT! >

Well, class, I trust you had an excellent Christmas break.

For my Christmas, I got an Xbox, a joystick, steering wheel and games.

You're a lucky boy, Billy.

For my Christmas, I got a mountain bike with 14 gears, and a tent.

Very lucky girl, Jenny.

-Thomas?

-I got a puppet. My dad made it. It's got pipecleaners for legs and cereal boxes for feet.

Man, that's shit!

Right, class, get your jotters out.

'And welcome to Channel Five's top 100 lingerie moments.

'Here's a sample of what's coming up.'

What's this muck you're watching? Get that off!

TV STOPS

What are you hiding there?

Have you got a stauner?

Naw.

Lift that cushion. Lift that cushion and let me see!

Ya dirty wee bastard! John, get in here! ..Don't move.

-What?

-He's sitting there with a big stauner.

Lift that cushion! Pick it up!

A stauner! Why have you done this to us?!

PHONE RINGS

Hello, Maw. Maw, I'll need to phone you back. Johnny's got a stauner.

Aye, a STAUNER.

Noo your granny knows!

It's wee Johnny...

He's got a big stauner!

Get the coats. We need to get over there.

This is absolutely fantastic, Hilary.

-In the winter, this section is entirely closed.

-That'll save on the heating bills.

-Indeed.

-Once the renovation is complete, we'll open this wing to the public.

-Oh, lovely.

The painters are in at the moment.

I fair enjoyed that turkey dinner.

-It was smashing, love.

-Now, I want to collapse in front of the telly.

-Quite right.

-So, um, what's on, then?

Ben Hur or ET.

What's on the other side?

-WHISTLING:

-EasstEnderss.

The Queen'ss Seassonal Messsage.

Top Of The Popss, featuring Sshakira, Oassiss and the Ssugababess.

Then, it's Celebrity Sstarss In Their Eyess.

Six rolls and sausages, mate.

Chicken stuffed with foie gras, wrapped in vine leaves.

I've no chicken stuffed with foie gras, wrapped in vine leaves, mate.

Just gie us another roll and sausage, then, mate.

-I've only been going out with him for six weeks, Mrs Muir. I never knew he took stauners.

-I know...

-Are you awright, Johnny?

-You know me - I never greet.

I never even gret when ma da' died.

My son's sitting there with a stauner! Oh, Jesus.. SIRENS APPROACH

-Let me see that stauner! Let me...!

-That's him! Him with the stauner!

I'll tell you something - he's nae son o' mine! He's deid tae me!

CROWD JEERS

I hope you and your stauner rot in hell!

Oh, Percy! Percy! >

That's right, you pair of Percys, look down here. I'm trapped underneath my big, fat wallet.

I can't shift it for all that money that's inside. Help us out - there's a pound in it each for you.

Come on! Not enjoying Big Jock's comedy, you couple of skint Percys? I could buy and sell you both.

-Crack a smile! How much are you earning a year?

-Leave us, Jock, eh?

Ho, Percy!

What's that you've got there, Percy?

-Ten pence, Jock.

-I didn't know they made them any more. You learn something every day.

Let's have a look-see, shall we? What's this?

Look, Percys - £100 note. ..It's not accepting Big Jock's small change.

-Och, well. Did you have a nice Christmas dinner, Percy?

-Yes.

-As did I.

Me and my wife and her brand-new silicone implants. Pulled my cracker,

couldn't eat my 45lb turkey for laughing. Know what the joke was?

No, Jock.

Your wage slip. The funniest thing since your daughter went to school

wearing Big Jock's son's hand-me-down shoes.

Now, cock an ear now for Big Jock. I've got an important announcement.

Youse are all a bunch of Percys and my wallet's heavier than all your fat wives put together.

Big Jock - the king of comedy. Who's the daddy?

-SUBDUED:

-Big Jock.

I said, who's the daddy?!

-Big Jock.

-Who's the daddy?

-Big Jock.

-Who's the daddy?

-Big Jock.

-Who's the daddy?

-Big Jock.

-Who's the...

-Who's the daddy?

-Big Jock.

-Who's the daddy?

-Big Jock.

Crackin' cardboard cut-outs, mate.

-Huv you got Darth Vader?

-Yes.

-Have you got Yoda?

-Mm-hm.

Have you got Dougie Vipond?

-Naw. If you're no' interested...

-OK, then... Huv you got Mr Spock?

-Yes.

-Huv you got Captain Kirk?

-Uh-huh.

Huv you got Lulu?

£27.99, you pair of wideos.

I'll take cash.

Awright, Davey.

-Awright. That you going up tae the High Court, aye?

-Aye.

-What're you going to say?

-The truth, man. Big Shanksy done it.

-Aye, man, you're right. Shanksy glassed Sharon in broad daylight.

I'm no takin' the fall fur him.

-He's gettin' grassed up.

-Aye. Let Shanksy take the fall.

-Awright?

BOTH: Awright, Shanksy?

You'd better no' grass us up.

-No' us, Shanksy.

-We never saw you.

Aye.

Awright, Sharon?

How's your face?

Are all youse pricks the jury, aye?

Aye.

-Better no' grass us up.

-Right, Shanksy.

-This isnae right, man. We should be gettin' taken to the courts by the polis.

-The law's a joke.

-Tell me about it.

-Awright, mate?

All right, Shanksy?

'It's the two blind mice! They just love Squeaks Blinds.

'They're jumping for joy at our prices.

'A set of shitey, bendy plastic blinds for only £77.

'A shitey set of blinds, big enough to cover a window in Barlinnie.

'Or, if you live in a house with normal windows, like everyone else,

'it'll cost fortunes.

'So, that's a set of minuscule, shitey, bendy, jail-window-sized blinds for only £77.

'Squeaks Blinds - that'll do MICELY!'

Officer! Officer!

-I'd like to report an incident. I've been terribly insulted.

-Who by, madam?

-Those two vagabonds...

and Lulu.

Ho!

Rocking!

Ho, ho, Gary. Are you geared up for the full bhoona?

-The complete vindaloo.

-Hotter than a video from Paddy's Market.

-Spicier than a menage-a-trois letter to the Just Joan page.

-Gary, I can feel my ring-piece sting already.

I want it mad, nippy, napalm burny, burny hot.

-We are interested in your Ruby Murrays.

-Have you any specials on?

Boys, see if you want it full bung, go for the spicy lamb bhoona. It's dead popular. Or beef vindaloo.

Or the chunky saag aloo. See if you're veggie, that's magic. Haggis pakora's a cheeky wee starter.

Gie's a buzz if you want a shot of the staff curry, but it's no' for novices.

-That sounds delightful.

-Right.

We'll have two chicken Marylands.

-No curries?

-Curry schmurry.

-We're only here for the banter.

-Are we heading up to Reflections the night?

-Course. It's Friday.

We'll be, "Down periscope. What have we got here? Oh, you're a honey.

"Torpedo. Mission accomplished."

Cruisin' in - 15,000 feet. Babe at nine o'clock - got you in my sights.

It's dark in here. Night-vision goggles. Captured. Prisoner of love.

GRENADE IN! FIRE IN THE HOLE!

'In the year 2345, the Federation Of Planets opened the Starfleet Academy near Carnoustie, in Scotland.

'Four years later, its first regiments emerged to find themselves rewarded with the command

'of Starfleet's newest vessel - the ion-impulse-powered Aurora.'

Right, we'll open this big bastard up and see if it is shit off a shovel.

-Get your belts on.

-You'll no' catch us wearing belts, like poofters.

-Captain.

-What?

-Gonnae let us got to the replicator? I'm starving.

-Aye.

-If you bring us royal game soup and twa ootsiders.

-Captain!

-What noo?

There a richt big hoor o' a spaceship coming.

The bastarding thing's yin or twa sizes bigger than oors, ken?

'These graduates never backed away from conflict, as they were fearless and highly trained.'

Ah telt ye afore - any mair fist, an' I'll stick this up your crack.

STAR TREK-TYPE MUSIC

-Whit are you daein', ye daftie?

-Haein' a go on the holodeck, ken?

'Take a journey into the unknown with Captain McConnell...'

Set phasers to malky.

-'..his number one - O'Donnell...'

-It's like hee-haw we've seen afore.

-'..Doctor MacDonald...'

-He's deid, Captain. Nae pulse or nothin'.

Will you stop keeking at my arse, you pervert!

'..and McCabe, the android, and McDade, the communications officer.'

-There's forces we cannae comprehend.

-You're gaggin' for it, ken?

-You've hee-haw chance of getting your hole.

You're an android - you've cack-all knob!

'In 60 seconds, we'll board your ship, and you'll surrender to us.'

ALL: Och, awa' an' dinnae talk pish.

'Taysiders In Space - In Amongst Youse.'

-Excuse me.

-Happy New Year, doll.

-Ho, ho. You're got him well-trained.

-Looks like a Benson.

-Henpecked.

-Deffo.

-Sorry?

-How can I help you?

-I want a refund with Lecotrox's no-quibble guarantee.

-Certainly.

-The no-quibble guarantee guarantees a no-quibble refund.

-No trouble with quibbles.

-We're quibbleless.

-Zilch quibbles in da house.

-Quibble has left the building.

-Literally, nae quibbles.

-100% dequibbled.

-Quibbles, nul points.

-Ooh! Is that a quibble?

-Can I get my money back, then, please?

-Sorry, no can do.

-You said no quibbles at Lecotrox.

-Lecotrox aren't quibbling.

-But we changed hands.

-We're Plugotrox noo.

-You could take it up with our receivers.

-Or buy a new TV with Plugotrox's no-quibble guarantee.

-Guaranteed peace of mind.

-Forget it. You people are scum. ..C'mon.

-No wantin' batteries for your strap-on?

-Special offer!

That's, er, £38.40.

Gie's a gobble.

-Do we have to go in here?

-Look, I promised my ma we'd pop in, say hello.

-Hey, hey! Come away in!

-Aye, aye. Come away in.

I love visitors, eh.

Come on in and sit doon.

-What a night we've planned for youse.

-An' you'll no go thirsty either. I've got red kola

-and pineappleade. Whit'll you have?

-Actually...

Ta-da! I thought we'd have a wee game of Monopoly.

Monopoly. You've to watch him, an' all, cos he buys all the stations.

Sit doon. Take your jaikets off.

-Actually, we're not staying. We're just popping in.

-Eh?

We've got a party to go to.

Aye, you would have. Aye...

Where's that, then?

-His hoose.

-Oh, aye, right. All the young yins.

Having a good time, an' that, all the young yins, aye.

-Why don't you stay for a wee hour? We never see youse. You're getting that big.

-I cannae. Pals, an' that.

-I suppose you've...bigger fish to fry than us, eh?

-'S no' that.

-Stay for a wee hauf-hour, eh?

-Have a wee glass of juice.

-Look at the bloody size of them. It's beer they want. ..You can split a tin.

A beer. Stay for a wee beer.

That's what you take. Us old fogies are offerin' you juice!

Mr McDade...please...

-Away an' enjoy yourselves.

-Aye, don't let us haud you back. Have a good time.

We nearly had them greetin' there.

One minute, thirty seconds.

-How long was it last year?

-One minute, forty-five.

-That's a classic. "We've got Monopoly"! Want a drink?

-Love one.

-Got these photies back from the chemist. Remember the mad holiday I was on with the wife?

-Quality, man.

Steamin'.

Steamin'.

Paralytic.

-Quality, man.

-Hung-over.

Ohhh. there's Shirley on the beach, swimming costume on. Scrubs up well.

-She's a darlin', man, total darlin'.

-Total model.

-Total stunner.

-Total honey.

-Total babe.

-Total doll.

Here, dae you mind if I take that photie home for a wee chug?

PUPPETS SPEAK "GAELIC"

-Magic.

-This is great.

Craoladh steamin'.

-A faireachdainn thirsty.

-Iarr Drink?

-Aye.

-Mhath.

-Mhath.

-Cuine shutting time?

-Nae shutting time.

-E lock-in!

-LOCK-IN! SMASHING!

Agus e polis?

Polis?!

There's the polis there!

Happy New Year!

Clock this. Text photies.

That's mental, man.

Gie's it.

-I'm gonnae send that wan.

-Coo-ul, eh, man? ..Who'd you send it tae?

-You, man.

-PHONE BEEPS

Oh, that's boggin'.

-Well, Ruriadh, it's been some hike, but we're finally here.

-I'll give you that, Alistair. It's some hike.

-At first glance, you might say, "What is there to see here?"

-You may,

-but like all the rest of Scotland, just underneath the surface, bubbles a fabulous history.

-Indeed.

-In 1824, two farmers quarrelled about where one's land ended and the other's began.

-The result was

that they built a makeshift fence, a border if you like, just to separate their territories.

This very fence stands as evidence that the dispute is far from settled.

But hillwalkers can cross the fence, because both the landowners appreciate that it would be silly

-to let their dispute spoil people's enjoyment of this countryside.

-It's common knowledge amongst hillwalkers

to get themselves over the fence by three o'clock,

because then...it's electrified.

Couple of fannies.

'It's kickoff in the final of the Ayrshire inter-pub league

'five-a-side cup. The teams are making their final preparations.

'There's the Kilbirnie Arms going into their huddle.'

COACH ENCOURAGES THEM

'And I think the New Cumnock All Bastards will do their haka.'

CHANT: Get it up you, your ma's a dyke,

your da's an alkie, you think you're wide,

you're humped!

Subtitles by Alison Haggart BBC Broadcast - 2002

< Action!

Hail no frequencies.

< Cut.