31/12/2002 Chewin' the Fat


31/12/2002

A special edition of the sketch show. The Smokers plan for the Bells and Ronald Villiers finally lands a walk-on part in River City, causing mayhem down Shieldinch as a postman.


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Transcript


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METALLIC VOICES: Go and move that tree

0:00:020:00:06

so we can set up the table for the bells.

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Get a move on, stupid appearance.

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-Miss, I've got my hand up.

-Yes, Tracy Sneddon, I can see that.

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The glare from your sovereign rings are practically blinding me. What is it that you want?

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Is it true you can't get pregnant if you have sex standing up?

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You... You... You... Is this a joke?

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-I'm serious, Miss. That's what I heard.

-Who...? Who said...?

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Tracy Sneddon, the day you stop looking like you're dressed to turn tricks in a Turkish bordello

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is the day I'll answer your so-called serious questions

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about se... About...About...standing up.

0:01:430:01:46

Miss, sometimes you hear a lot of different stories about it.

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You'd think a biology teacher would tell you straight what the facts are.

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Yes, well, I suppose I should be... sharing the wisdom of my experience.

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Here!

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Here! That's not what I meant.

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Now, to answer your question, Tracy Sneddon, yes.

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You can be...

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impregnated if you're...

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in a position that's...

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erect.

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Right, that's enough! When I say that, I mean...

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I don't... It's not erect... I don't mean... There's the bell.

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And I must go to another class.

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-Miss, this is your class.

-Yes, I've also left... I've left a pie in the oven... That's the phone ringing.

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So, bye.

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Here, do you mind o' this one?

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# Well, hello there and how do you do?

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# You're the prettiest lady I've seen

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# Well it seems to me that recently You must have been a beauty queen

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# We're gonna buy you a drink Do you enjoy champagne?

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# Baby, this one's for free

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# What's it gonna take For you and those diddies

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# To come right home with me?

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# No need to wrap them To come back home with me. #

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-I love songs about tits, do you?

-Oh, aye, aye...

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-Aye, aye.

-What are you daein' up so early?

-If it was any of your business, I'd tell you.

-Suit yersel'.

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-If you must know, I'm waiting on a letter. ..Anything for me, pal?

-Oh, aye.

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Wait a minute...

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There's cash-and-carry rubbish and that. It's no' fur you. Aye, three.

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Leccy bill and a gas bill.

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-That's a bastard when they all come thegither like that.

-Cut! That was great, guys. ..What's your name?

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-Ma name?

-Yeah.

-Ronald Villiers.

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-The script says, Ronald, that you say, "Aye, three."

-Script?

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-Not, "That's a bastard, all thae bills."

-I didn't realise there was a script.

-There is. "Aye, three."

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Right. I used to work on the High Road. They never use a script. They walk on, say what they like, then...

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-Back to your position.

-Nae bother.

-Show the second letter, OK?

-Right.

-Hold it up.

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-We're going to go close up on that.

-Right.

-It's important.

-That's OK.

0:04:370:04:41

-First...

-OK. ..You, er, Johnny Beattie?

-Can you take your position?

-Are YOU Johnny Beattie?

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-I was told I was going to be working with...

-Please.

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Can we go again? Where from? "Anything for me, pal?"

0:04:530:04:59

Ready? ..Are we ready? And, action!

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-Anything for me, pal?

-Aye, three.

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-Anything for me, pal?

-Aye, three.

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And wan o' them's a very, very important letter.

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Cut! Can we get another postman?

0:05:240:05:27

-What's wrong with that? Is that me sacked?

-No, we'll get you something.

-I was panicking there.

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-You can keep that in if you want. Postman sacked - that's a good gag.

-Can we go again?

-Some comedy.

0:05:330:05:40

Hoose for sale. Big question is, is it offers over or a fixed price?

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-The one round the corner - offers over 72, went for 92.

-CUT!

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-Am I sacked?

-No, I'll get something else for you to do.

-That's awright.

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This bloody seat's kickin' my starfish in.

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-What are you daein' up so early?

-If it was your business, I'd tell you.

-Fine.

-I'm waiting on a letter.

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-Anything for me, pal?

-Three, mate.

-Cheers.

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Here... I recognise this writing. Do you?

0:06:300:06:34

RONALD WHISTLES EASTENDERS THEME

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CUT! >

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Well, class, I trust you had an excellent Christmas break.

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For my Christmas, I got an Xbox, a joystick, steering wheel and games.

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You're a lucky boy, Billy.

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For my Christmas, I got a mountain bike with 14 gears, and a tent.

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Very lucky girl, Jenny.

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-Thomas?

-I got a puppet. My dad made it. It's got pipecleaners for legs and cereal boxes for feet.

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Man, that's shit!

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Right, class, get your jotters out.

0:07:210:07:24

'And welcome to Channel Five's top 100 lingerie moments.

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'Here's a sample of what's coming up.'

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What's this muck you're watching? Get that off!

0:07:370:07:41

TV STOPS

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What are you hiding there?

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Have you got a stauner?

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Naw.

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Lift that cushion. Lift that cushion and let me see!

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Ya dirty wee bastard! John, get in here! ..Don't move.

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-What?

-He's sitting there with a big stauner.

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Lift that cushion! Pick it up!

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A stauner! Why have you done this to us?!

0:08:130:08:17

PHONE RINGS

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Hello, Maw. Maw, I'll need to phone you back. Johnny's got a stauner.

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Aye, a STAUNER.

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Noo your granny knows!

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It's wee Johnny...

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He's got a big stauner!

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Get the coats. We need to get over there.

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This is absolutely fantastic, Hilary.

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-In the winter, this section is entirely closed.

-That'll save on the heating bills.

-Indeed.

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-Once the renovation is complete, we'll open this wing to the public.

-Oh, lovely.

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The painters are in at the moment.

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I fair enjoyed that turkey dinner.

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-It was smashing, love.

-Now, I want to collapse in front of the telly.

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-Quite right.

-So, um, what's on, then?

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Ben Hur or ET.

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What's on the other side?

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-WHISTLING:

-EasstEnderss.

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The Queen'ss Seassonal Messsage.

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Top Of The Popss, featuring Sshakira, Oassiss and the Ssugababess.

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Then, it's Celebrity Sstarss In Their Eyess.

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Six rolls and sausages, mate.

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Chicken stuffed with foie gras, wrapped in vine leaves.

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I've no chicken stuffed with foie gras, wrapped in vine leaves, mate.

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Just gie us another roll and sausage, then, mate.

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-I've only been going out with him for six weeks, Mrs Muir. I never knew he took stauners.

-I know...

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-Are you awright, Johnny?

-You know me - I never greet.

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I never even gret when ma da' died.

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My son's sitting there with a stauner! Oh, Jesus.. SIRENS APPROACH

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-Let me see that stauner! Let me...!

-That's him! Him with the stauner!

0:11:040:11:09

I'll tell you something - he's nae son o' mine! He's deid tae me!

0:11:090:11:14

CROWD JEERS

0:11:160:11:19

I hope you and your stauner rot in hell!

0:11:220:11:26

Oh, Percy! Percy! >

0:11:290:11:33

That's right, you pair of Percys, look down here. I'm trapped underneath my big, fat wallet.

0:11:330:11:40

I can't shift it for all that money that's inside. Help us out - there's a pound in it each for you.

0:11:400:11:47

Come on! Not enjoying Big Jock's comedy, you couple of skint Percys? I could buy and sell you both.

0:11:470:11:55

-Crack a smile! How much are you earning a year?

-Leave us, Jock, eh?

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Ho, Percy!

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What's that you've got there, Percy?

0:12:040:12:07

-Ten pence, Jock.

-I didn't know they made them any more. You learn something every day.

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Let's have a look-see, shall we? What's this?

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Look, Percys - £100 note. ..It's not accepting Big Jock's small change.

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-Och, well. Did you have a nice Christmas dinner, Percy?

-Yes.

-As did I.

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Me and my wife and her brand-new silicone implants. Pulled my cracker,

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couldn't eat my 45lb turkey for laughing. Know what the joke was?

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No, Jock.

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Your wage slip. The funniest thing since your daughter went to school

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wearing Big Jock's son's hand-me-down shoes.

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Now, cock an ear now for Big Jock. I've got an important announcement.

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Youse are all a bunch of Percys and my wallet's heavier than all your fat wives put together.

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Big Jock - the king of comedy. Who's the daddy?

0:13:050:13:10

-SUBDUED:

-Big Jock.

0:13:100:13:12

I said, who's the daddy?!

0:13:120:13:15

-Big Jock.

-Who's the daddy?

-Big Jock.

-Who's the daddy?

-Big Jock.

-Who's the daddy?

-Big Jock.

-Who's the...

0:13:150:13:21

-Who's the daddy?

-Big Jock.

-Who's the daddy?

-Big Jock.

0:13:210:13:24

Crackin' cardboard cut-outs, mate.

0:13:330:13:37

-Huv you got Darth Vader?

-Yes.

0:13:370:13:40

-Have you got Yoda?

-Mm-hm.

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Have you got Dougie Vipond?

0:13:430:13:46

-Naw. If you're no' interested...

-OK, then... Huv you got Mr Spock?

-Yes.

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-Huv you got Captain Kirk?

-Uh-huh.

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Huv you got Lulu?

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£27.99, you pair of wideos.

0:14:010:14:05

I'll take cash.

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Awright, Davey.

0:14:100:14:13

-Awright. That you going up tae the High Court, aye?

-Aye.

-What're you going to say?

0:14:130:14:20

-The truth, man. Big Shanksy done it.

-Aye, man, you're right. Shanksy glassed Sharon in broad daylight.

0:14:200:14:27

I'm no takin' the fall fur him.

0:14:270:14:29

-He's gettin' grassed up.

-Aye. Let Shanksy take the fall.

-Awright?

0:14:290:14:35

BOTH: Awright, Shanksy?

0:14:350:14:38

You'd better no' grass us up.

0:14:380:14:41

-No' us, Shanksy.

-We never saw you.

0:14:410:14:43

Aye.

0:14:430:14:45

Awright, Sharon?

0:14:450:14:48

How's your face?

0:14:480:14:50

Are all youse pricks the jury, aye?

0:14:510:14:54

Aye.

0:14:540:14:56

-Better no' grass us up.

-Right, Shanksy.

0:14:560:14:59

-This isnae right, man. We should be gettin' taken to the courts by the polis.

-The law's a joke.

0:14:590:15:06

-Tell me about it.

-Awright, mate?

0:15:060:15:10

All right, Shanksy?

0:15:100:15:13

'It's the two blind mice! They just love Squeaks Blinds.

0:15:180:15:23

'They're jumping for joy at our prices.

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'A set of shitey, bendy plastic blinds for only £77.

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'A shitey set of blinds, big enough to cover a window in Barlinnie.

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'Or, if you live in a house with normal windows, like everyone else,

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'it'll cost fortunes.

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'So, that's a set of minuscule, shitey, bendy, jail-window-sized blinds for only £77.

0:15:480:15:55

'Squeaks Blinds - that'll do MICELY!'

0:15:550:15:58

Officer! Officer!

0:16:080:16:11

-I'd like to report an incident. I've been terribly insulted.

-Who by, madam?

-Those two vagabonds...

0:16:110:16:18

and Lulu.

0:16:180:16:21

Ho!

0:16:210:16:22

Rocking!

0:16:220:16:24

Ho, ho, Gary. Are you geared up for the full bhoona?

0:16:310:16:35

-The complete vindaloo.

-Hotter than a video from Paddy's Market.

0:16:350:16:40

-Spicier than a menage-a-trois letter to the Just Joan page.

-Gary, I can feel my ring-piece sting already.

0:16:400:16:48

I want it mad, nippy, napalm burny, burny hot.

0:16:480:16:51

-We are interested in your Ruby Murrays.

-Have you any specials on?

0:16:510:16:56

Boys, see if you want it full bung, go for the spicy lamb bhoona. It's dead popular. Or beef vindaloo.

0:16:560:17:04

Or the chunky saag aloo. See if you're veggie, that's magic. Haggis pakora's a cheeky wee starter.

0:17:040:17:11

Gie's a buzz if you want a shot of the staff curry, but it's no' for novices.

0:17:110:17:18

-That sounds delightful.

-Right.

0:17:180:17:20

We'll have two chicken Marylands.

0:17:200:17:23

-No curries?

-Curry schmurry.

-We're only here for the banter.

0:17:230:17:28

-Are we heading up to Reflections the night?

-Course. It's Friday.

0:17:330:17:38

We'll be, "Down periscope. What have we got here? Oh, you're a honey.

0:17:380:17:43

"Torpedo. Mission accomplished."

0:17:430:17:47

Cruisin' in - 15,000 feet. Babe at nine o'clock - got you in my sights.

0:17:470:17:52

It's dark in here. Night-vision goggles. Captured. Prisoner of love.

0:17:520:17:58

GRENADE IN! FIRE IN THE HOLE!

0:17:580:18:01

'In the year 2345, the Federation Of Planets opened the Starfleet Academy near Carnoustie, in Scotland.

0:18:110:18:18

'Four years later, its first regiments emerged to find themselves rewarded with the command

0:18:180:18:25

'of Starfleet's newest vessel - the ion-impulse-powered Aurora.'

0:18:250:18:30

Right, we'll open this big bastard up and see if it is shit off a shovel.

0:18:300:18:36

-Get your belts on.

-You'll no' catch us wearing belts, like poofters.

0:18:360:18:40

-Captain.

-What?

-Gonnae let us got to the replicator? I'm starving.

-Aye.

0:18:400:18:46

-If you bring us royal game soup and twa ootsiders.

-Captain!

-What noo?

0:18:460:18:51

There a richt big hoor o' a spaceship coming.

0:18:510:18:55

The bastarding thing's yin or twa sizes bigger than oors, ken?

0:18:550:19:01

'These graduates never backed away from conflict, as they were fearless and highly trained.'

0:19:010:19:08

Ah telt ye afore - any mair fist, an' I'll stick this up your crack.

0:19:080:19:14

STAR TREK-TYPE MUSIC

0:19:140:19:16

-Whit are you daein', ye daftie?

-Haein' a go on the holodeck, ken?

0:19:180:19:24

'Take a journey into the unknown with Captain McConnell...'

0:19:330:19:37

Set phasers to malky.

0:19:370:19:39

-'..his number one - O'Donnell...'

-It's like hee-haw we've seen afore.

0:19:390:19:45

-'..Doctor MacDonald...'

-He's deid, Captain. Nae pulse or nothin'.

0:19:450:19:51

Will you stop keeking at my arse, you pervert!

0:19:510:19:55

'..and McCabe, the android, and McDade, the communications officer.'

0:19:550:20:00

-There's forces we cannae comprehend.

-You're gaggin' for it, ken?

-You've hee-haw chance of getting your hole.

0:20:000:20:08

You're an android - you've cack-all knob!

0:20:080:20:12

'In 60 seconds, we'll board your ship, and you'll surrender to us.'

0:20:150:20:21

ALL: Och, awa' an' dinnae talk pish.

0:20:210:20:24

'Taysiders In Space - In Amongst Youse.'

0:20:240:20:29

-Excuse me.

-Happy New Year, doll.

-Ho, ho. You're got him well-trained.

0:20:340:20:40

-Looks like a Benson.

-Henpecked.

-Deffo.

-Sorry?

-How can I help you?

0:20:400:20:45

-I want a refund with Lecotrox's no-quibble guarantee.

-Certainly.

0:20:450:20:49

-The no-quibble guarantee guarantees a no-quibble refund.

-No trouble with quibbles.

-We're quibbleless.

0:20:490:20:56

-Zilch quibbles in da house.

-Quibble has left the building.

-Literally, nae quibbles.

-100% dequibbled.

0:20:560:21:03

-Quibbles, nul points.

-Ooh! Is that a quibble?

0:21:030:21:07

-Can I get my money back, then, please?

-Sorry, no can do.

-You said no quibbles at Lecotrox.

0:21:070:21:15

-Lecotrox aren't quibbling.

-But we changed hands.

-We're Plugotrox noo.

0:21:150:21:20

-You could take it up with our receivers.

-Or buy a new TV with Plugotrox's no-quibble guarantee.

0:21:200:21:27

-Guaranteed peace of mind.

-Forget it. You people are scum. ..C'mon.

0:21:270:21:33

-No wantin' batteries for your strap-on?

-Special offer!

0:21:330:21:37

That's, er, £38.40.

0:22:110:22:15

Gie's a gobble.

0:22:150:22:17

-Do we have to go in here?

-Look, I promised my ma we'd pop in, say hello.

0:22:240:22:31

-Hey, hey! Come away in!

-Aye, aye. Come away in.

0:22:360:22:40

I love visitors, eh.

0:22:410:22:44

Come on in and sit doon.

0:22:440:22:47

-What a night we've planned for youse.

-An' you'll no go thirsty either. I've got red kola

0:22:470:22:53

-and pineappleade. Whit'll you have?

-Actually...

0:22:530:22:57

Ta-da! I thought we'd have a wee game of Monopoly.

0:22:570:23:01

Monopoly. You've to watch him, an' all, cos he buys all the stations.

0:23:010:23:07

Sit doon. Take your jaikets off.

0:23:070:23:10

-Actually, we're not staying. We're just popping in.

-Eh?

0:23:100:23:16

We've got a party to go to.

0:23:160:23:18

Aye, you would have. Aye...

0:23:180:23:21

Where's that, then?

0:23:210:23:23

-His hoose.

-Oh, aye, right. All the young yins.

0:23:230:23:27

Having a good time, an' that, all the young yins, aye.

0:23:270:23:31

-Why don't you stay for a wee hour? We never see youse. You're getting that big.

-I cannae. Pals, an' that.

0:23:310:23:39

-I suppose you've...bigger fish to fry than us, eh?

-'S no' that.

-Stay for a wee hauf-hour, eh?

0:23:390:23:47

-Have a wee glass of juice.

-Look at the bloody size of them. It's beer they want. ..You can split a tin.

0:23:470:23:54

A beer. Stay for a wee beer.

0:23:540:23:57

That's what you take. Us old fogies are offerin' you juice!

0:23:570:24:01

Mr McDade...please...

0:24:010:24:04

-Away an' enjoy yourselves.

-Aye, don't let us haud you back. Have a good time.

0:24:080:24:14

We nearly had them greetin' there.

0:24:240:24:27

One minute, thirty seconds.

0:24:270:24:30

-How long was it last year?

-One minute, forty-five.

0:24:300:24:33

-That's a classic. "We've got Monopoly"! Want a drink?

-Love one.

0:24:330:24:39

-Got these photies back from the chemist. Remember the mad holiday I was on with the wife?

-Quality, man.

0:24:430:24:50

Steamin'.

0:24:500:24:52

Steamin'.

0:24:520:24:54

Paralytic.

0:24:540:24:56

-Quality, man.

-Hung-over.

0:24:560:24:58

Ohhh. there's Shirley on the beach, swimming costume on. Scrubs up well.

0:25:000:25:05

-She's a darlin', man, total darlin'.

-Total model.

-Total stunner.

-Total honey.

-Total babe.

-Total doll.

0:25:050:25:13

Here, dae you mind if I take that photie home for a wee chug?

0:25:130:25:17

PUPPETS SPEAK "GAELIC"

0:25:250:25:29

-Magic.

-This is great.

0:25:290:25:32

Craoladh steamin'.

0:25:320:25:34

-A faireachdainn thirsty.

-Iarr Drink?

-Aye.

0:25:340:25:38

-Mhath.

-Mhath.

0:25:400:25:44

-Cuine shutting time?

-Nae shutting time.

0:25:440:25:48

-E lock-in!

-LOCK-IN! SMASHING!

0:25:480:25:53

Agus e polis?

0:25:530:25:56

Polis?!

0:25:560:25:58

There's the polis there!

0:25:580:26:00

Happy New Year!

0:26:050:26:09

Clock this. Text photies.

0:26:120:26:15

That's mental, man.

0:26:150:26:17

Gie's it.

0:26:170:26:19

-I'm gonnae send that wan.

-Coo-ul, eh, man? ..Who'd you send it tae?

0:26:320:26:38

-You, man.

-PHONE BEEPS

0:26:380:26:41

Oh, that's boggin'.

0:26:460:26:48

-Well, Ruriadh, it's been some hike, but we're finally here.

-I'll give you that, Alistair. It's some hike.

0:26:480:26:55

-At first glance, you might say, "What is there to see here?"

-You may,

0:26:550:27:00

-but like all the rest of Scotland, just underneath the surface, bubbles a fabulous history.

-Indeed.

0:27:000:27:06

-In 1824, two farmers quarrelled about where one's land ended and the other's began.

-The result was

0:27:060:27:13

that they built a makeshift fence, a border if you like, just to separate their territories.

0:27:130:27:21

This very fence stands as evidence that the dispute is far from settled.

0:27:210:27:27

But hillwalkers can cross the fence, because both the landowners appreciate that it would be silly

0:27:270:27:34

-to let their dispute spoil people's enjoyment of this countryside.

-It's common knowledge amongst hillwalkers

0:27:340:27:41

to get themselves over the fence by three o'clock,

0:27:410:27:46

because then...it's electrified.

0:27:460:27:49

Couple of fannies.

0:27:520:27:55

'It's kickoff in the final of the Ayrshire inter-pub league

0:28:020:28:07

'five-a-side cup. The teams are making their final preparations.

0:28:070:28:13

'There's the Kilbirnie Arms going into their huddle.'

0:28:130:28:18

COACH ENCOURAGES THEM

0:28:180:28:20

'And I think the New Cumnock All Bastards will do their haka.'

0:28:200:28:26

CHANT: Get it up you, your ma's a dyke,

0:28:260:28:29

your da's an alkie, you think you're wide,

0:28:290:28:32

you're humped!

0:28:320:28:35

Subtitles by Alison Haggart BBC Broadcast - 2002

0:28:400:28:44

< Action!

0:28:440:28:46

Hail no frequencies.

0:28:460:28:50

< Cut.

0:28:500:28:52

Another chance to see this comedy classic from 2002.

See how the Smokers plan for the Bells while wannabe star Ronald Villiers finally lands a walk-on part, causing mayhem down Shieldinch as a postman in River City.

This Chewin' the Fat Hogmanay special is jam packed with all your favourites.


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