For the Win Comedy Feeds

This programme contains very strong language and adult humour.

Babe, I'm embarrassed.

Yeah, but you've got something going on. It's worth getting it seen.

-Jesus.

-Are you the doctor?

Director. It'll be OK. We have an excellent team.

Rich, principal camera. Don't worry. I've done three years of Come Dine and Wipeout.

Hello, darling. I'm Dave. I'll be playing your husband.

-What? Babe!

-Don't worry, I'm RADA-trained. I just played a junkie on The Bill. Here's my CV.

Just going to take a light meter reading, OK?

My God! What a freak! Great!

This isn't a hospital.

Crane camera, push right along. Where's make-up?

-Chantal, you must be embarrassed.

-Yeah.

Great. On my cue, I want to see those tears, OK? Where's Teets?

Don't worry. You're going to be on TV. Hi, I'm Dr Ryan Teets. What's your name?

-Chantal.

-Yep, yep, yep, yep.

I need a cappuccino, some sushi and a fair-trade flapjack, stat.

On my cue, we go live.

-Don't I know you from somewhere?

-This is no time for autographs!

Teats, look down and look concerned, right?

I need one of those dangly things around my neck.

Get this man a stethoscope, stat. Where's make-up?

-Is there an actual doctor here?

-Quiet on set!

Right, let's exploit this, everyone. Camera!

I'm embarrassed!

And action!

Hi, you're watching Embarrassing Bodies.

I'm Dr Ryan Teats. Check this out.

For The Win!

This is the cafe where they all hang out.

It's just a modern-day freakshow.

They're not freaks. They just embarrassed. And naked.

Oh, God. You've got issues.

-Haven't you got a third nipple, Sam?

-You mean Reg? Yes.

Freak boy!

There is nothing freaky about Reg.

Whoa, whoa. You called your third nipple Reg?

No, no. A third nipple is nothing, OK. Wait till you see Rich. Rich!

Hm?

Give us a flash!

WOMAN SCREAMS

CAT MEOWS

-Yes, but mine's black.

-So is mine.

Oh, I'm thinking about your nipple now.

How much do I know you, John?

Oh, er...

Na-na-na-na-na-na...

Mmm... Ta-ta-ta-ta-ta... Mmm...

Er...

No, it's all right. Let me pay. It's my turn.

'Accessorise.'

'Sexual.'

'Practical.

'Accessorise.'

'Sexual.'

'Practical.

'Useful.'

Nice bum bag(!)

Thanks, Lizzie.

-Is that a bum bag?

-Why are you wearing a bum bag, Sam?

It's a fanny pack. There's a difference.

What's the difference, Sam?

Everything. You'll all be wearing them soon. Lizzie likes it.

-Do I?

-Yeah. You said "Nice bum bag."

Yeah, Sam, when people say "nice this" or "nice that" it means something's wrong.

Really?

Nice cardigan.

Cheers, mate.

-Nice socks.

-Thanks.

-Nice glasses.

-Thanks, babe.

-Nice nostrils.

-Oh, thanks.

-Nice body.

-Nice hat.

-Nice ferret.

-Nice gas mask.

-Thanks.

Oh, relationship counselling. I'm late.

Oh, God. Good luck, Lizzie.

Yeah, hope it goes OK.

Thanks. Nothing good can come from that.

THUNDERCLAP

-Whoa, whoa, whoa.

-Step away from the table. Not with that.

-Back it up.

-I've got my image to maintain.

-Back it up.

-Good.

Well, Reg likes it.

Your black third nipple likes your bum bag?

Fanny pack, and yes he does. Reg!

He's not black.

Who ain't black, motherfucker?

I'm blacker than Jay-Z in a blacked-out limo with a black

leather interior, wearing a black silk kimono, black slippers

and black silk panties!

OK, sorry.

Forget the panties bit.

I'm Reg Robinson, and I endorse this fanny pack, and I tell you for why.

Gather round.

'While Reg, Sam's third nipple, explains the difference

'between a bum bag and a fanny pack, let's go biblical on your ass.'

'Hey, I don't want to give anything away, but this guy dies.'

Eat this bread, for this is my body.

Do this in remembrance of me.

Dear Lord, for this wine we give you thanks and praise.

Take this, all of you, and drink it.

For this is the cup of my blood. Drink this in memory of me.

Brilliant night, although for a carpenter,

I did expect the place to be a bit nicer.

I had to slip my sandals underneath the table leg to stop it wobbling!

-Although home-baked bread was a nice touch.

-'Thanks for that, Peter.'

Bread and wine as a main course?

No, I'm not going to let him get away with that.

'And I thought you and Jesus were bosom buddies.'

If I did that, my mates would be like, "What the hell is this,

"Judas, you tightwad?" And they'd be right.

Not really my crowd.

Stuff about the wine being his blood was a bit bonkers,

do you know what I mean?

Simmer down, Ruth.

Judas, awkward! Other than that, fab night.

'Thumbs up for the bread, but how did our host think the evening went?'

I am shattered. I think it went quite well, though.

Bit of an atmosphere with Judas. I prophesise a tactical vote there.

-He'll deny it, of course.

-'Too right he will!'

Anyhoo, I've got enough on my mind wondering how I'm doing to

get all this in the bloody dishwasher!

Take a miracle.

'It's hardly feeding the 5,000.'

Home-baked bread went down well, though.

'So, what are the scores?'

Brilliant food, brilliant night, brilliant entertainment.

Jesus, I'm converted. I've given you an eight.

Lovely home-baked bread, and it did cure my blindness,

so I'm giving Jesus a seven.

'That seven from Ruth leaves Jesus

'needing a score of five or more

'to head into the lead.'

It's a three.

'I didn't see that coming.'

'Hey, what sketch show wouldn't be complete without a little Jay-Z?

'I mean Jesus, for the win!'

'Meanwhile, Lizzie's trying to save her relationship

'with one of those relationship counsellors,

'just like me and my first wife Mildred. I hate the fact that...

'Oh, sorry.'

There used to be romance. We used to go out for dinner.

He used to open doors for me.

I was a doorman.

At least you had manners then.

Yeah, I was paid to do that.

I had no idea she was so old-fashioned.

She wants a man from the 19th century.

I'm not old-fashioned. I'm quite street, actually.

Street?

She wouldn't talk to me for a week

because I didn't warm the teapot properly.

It ruins the brewing process!

He used to be such a gentleman.

-I didn't.

-This isn't working.

You say that, though, but do you mean that, though?

You say that, though, but do you mean that, though?

You say that, though, but do you mean that, though?

Because at the end of the day...

You are blatantly jealous. At the end of the day do you like me?

Cos I like you and you like you, you just don't I won't he will

I won't, you get me? It's all about love, basically.

At the end the day, relationships all about stuff, innit?

So what you're saying is that...

No, I'm not talking to you. I'm talking to him.

So let me finish. You finished? Can I finish?

I'm not talking to you, I'm talking to him. Let me finish.

Let me finish? All right.

You say that, though, but do you mean that, though?

Cos at the end of the day my friend was like "You're blatantly out of order, yeah?"

I said I'm blatantly not, cos I wasn't. She said you blatantly have no right.

Ask yourself, "I might be listening, but am I hearing, though?"

Exactly, thank you so much.

'It's an all-star line-up,

'including all of your favourites such as Warty Girl,

'BO. Boy, and bacne man!'

Morbidly Obese Man!

Live, on ice!

Looking at Stevie's embarrassing banana-shaped penis, all on ice!

It's not exploita...tive at all.

And don't miss Humiliating Buttocks Boy, on ice!

What about Self-conscious Sarah and her hideous breasts? Now on ice!

Amazing. I've never seen such embarrassing bodies... on ice.

I've been 25 times with... My whole family, and it's just a goat...

Great night out for the whole family.

And, in a fantastic finale,

the nation's favourite embarrassing couple.

Distressing Foreskin Man and Denise Welch skate the famous Bolero.

Bolero!

At an ice rink near you. Book tickets now, on ice!

On ice, baby, for the win! Feel my balls!

'Action cool.'

What is this now? The bum bag gang?

No, they're fanny packs, Lizzie. They're making a comeback.

I'm telling you, nothing good can come from wearing bum bags.

Lizzie, fanny packs are in. They're modern, they're up-to-date.

-They're practical.

-They're now.

I'm not old-fashioned.

ALL: Oh!

Lizzie!

Lizzie!

I'm sorry, I split up with my boyfriend.

ALL: Ahhh.

Wait, what about counselling?

Well, that didn't go well, and I tried to talk to him,

and he just did this tiny smile and thought we needed a break.

Sam, what's a tiny smile?

I don't know. Is this it?

-Hey, London.

-Hm?

-What's a tiny smile?

-Erm...

Let me ask Rich. Rich, what's a tiny smile?

-Er...

-Yes.

John, John. What's a tiny smile?

I think it's this.

Oh, yeah. That is a tiny smile.

Is this a tiny smile?

No, it's not.

Is this a tiny smile?

Is this a tiny smile?

Is this a tiny smile?

Is this a tiny smile?

Is this a tiny smile?

That's a tiny smile.

OK.

This is a tiny smile.

Tiny smiles!

Tiny smiles.

Tiny smiles.

Tiny smiles.

Tiny smiles.

Tiny smiles.

Tiny smiles.

Tiny smiles.

Tiny smiles.

Tiny smiles.

Tiny smiles.

Tiny smiles.

Tiny smiles.

Tiny smiles.

Tiny smiles.

Tiny smiles.

Tiny smiles.

Tiny smiles.

Tiny smiles. Smiles.

Smiles.

Tiny smiles.

Tiny smiles.

Tiny smiles.

Tiny smiles...

Anyway, guys.

Thanks for listening.

Tiny smiles for the win.

Hi. I'm here with actress and national treasure Helen Dench.

Helen, thank you for having us.

Pleasure.

Now, your new film, Fashion Requiem is your first

lead role since you won the Oscar for Best Actress.

I mean, was there any pressure at all?

Well, there were a few butterflies to start with,

but as soon as you're on set they just fade away,

and you focus on the job at hand.

It expresses the importance of...

And how anything is possible.

And how fashion mistakes like this can lead

to the end of life as we know it.

The end or the beginning of a career, or even the end of time.

Legend has it that...

..can bring about Armageddon.

Fashion is very, very serious, and of course,

I've always wanted to work with the director.

Right, great.

Are you aware there's a cartoon mouse living in your vagina?

Oh, he doesn't live there. That's his office.

'What the hell was that?'

'Meanwhile, back at the Lizzie...'

Yeah, when you pull them out, they come out, pupupup, like that.

-Barry.

-What's that?

Here, what's the matter, darling?

Here, have a little ciggie.

Yeah, get one of these down you.

I would, thanks, but I don't like menthol.

What? No, white tips.

-What?

-Just cos they're white tips don't mean they're menthol.

Yeah, duty-free. Haven't you ever been abroad?

-Yeah, white tips.

-White tips.

Haven't you ever been backpacking, perhaps during your 19th year?

Met some of the best friends you'll ever have in your life? White tips.

You never sat in a bistro in Paris, France, reading a letter

and considering existentialism and the futility of human life? White tips.

Haven't you ever deep-sea dived off the island of Phuket?

Experienced the whole universe of underwater life

that is incomprehensible in its variety and wonder?

White tips.

That's what that is. Have you never stood atop Machu Picchu

and discovered that your animal spirit is an eagle, soaring

over the wild with an all-seeing eye like everything and nothing?

White tips!

White tips!

Haven't you ever hacked your way into the Amazon jungle,

huge initiation ceremonies,

suspending you from a tree for weeks by hooks through your nipples?

The pain of which is so excruciating

you relive your own birth?

White tips! White tips!

You've got to get out more!

Don't be so narrow-minded! White tips!

I'm sorry. It says menthol on the box.

What?

Ah, yeah, no, they are menthols, yeah.

Anyway, cheer yourself up.

Get yourself a python.

'Get yourself a what?'

'Weirdo. White tips for the win.'

Hi, there. I'm here about the snake, the python you had for sale.

Oh, yeah?

So, do you own many snakes?

No, just a python.

I moved to a smaller flat so it's getting a bit big for me.

Are they good companions? I just split up with my boyfriend.

Hold on, wait, wait, wait.

-Is this a boyfriend substitute, is it?

-No.

Good. Because I want it to go to a good home.

Oh, no, it will.

You're not going to put it round your neck and pole dance with it

-to assert your femininity?

-Certainly not.

Because you look a bit old-fashioned for that.

I'm not old-fashioned.

No.

Anyway, come in.

What, that's your python?

Yeah. Gorgeous, isn't she?

Yeah. Excuse me if I don't get up. Just had a rabbit.

Plays havoc with me guts. Take about four days, that will.

But he's not a python.

-What did she say?

-Says you're not a python, Warren.

-Look at him!

-Who do you think you are? Coming here, mouthing off.

Yeah, that's right. Coming in my house.

-Our house.

-Our house.

Disrespecting my python? There's only one thing for it.

Take it away, Warren.

# Can prove that I'm not lying

# I nosh...

I'll take him.

For The Win, sketch show!

Dude. Bastard.

Jack, come here, please. I'm angry!

Hello, Grandma Myrtle.

Don't hello me. I'm very angry right now.

What's the matter?

-Well, you see the actor.

-Yeah.

-Leonardo DiCaprio.

-Yes.

Him a racist.

Is he? I don't think he is.

-Think about it. See this film right here, Titanic?

-Yeah.

-Big ship.

-Yeah.

-Sail across the ocean.

-Yeah.

-Sink.

-Yeah.

-Everybody dead.

-Yeah.

-Not one of them was black.

-Yeah, but isn't that a good thing?

What?

There weren't any black people on that ship, were there?

-You saying black people don't go on ships?

-No.

-How do you think we got to this country?

-We can't swim.

-Can you say that?

-I just did say it.

Anyway, what about his other films?

Me see a film the other day. Gangs Of New York. You seen that film?

Yeah.

-It's all about gangs.

-Yeah.

There was no black people in that film.

And you know, black people just love to be in gangs.

Everyday, them a-shoot up, shoot up.

That's awful. You can't say that, that is racist.

-That is racist. You can't say that.

-Well, it's the truth.

Wasn't Gangs Of New York about Irish immigrants?

-Are you trying to say Irish people can't be black now?

-No.

I know plenty of blirish people. There is, erm...

Anyway. I'm say, right, Leonardo DiCaprio is a racist.

Think about it, think about it.

He never plays black people in him flim.

Everyday he's just white, white face.

You never see him play Martin Luther King.

He'd have to black up, Grandma Myrtle. He can't do that.

Eddie Murphy plays white people all the time, John.

Basically, everyone in the whole world is a little bit racist,

if you think about it, apart from me, you and Barack Obama.

Yeah, man.

Racist!

All right, I'm just confused.

Get away from me!

Too funny!

Love you, Grandma Myrtle.

Love you too, you honky.

Myrtle, Myrtle, Myrtle. For the win!

She's black. And I'm a turtle.

Ugh!

-Give me a seat rep, soldier.

-We're pinned down, captain!

We're fucking screwed!

Communications down.

We've got shells coming in from about three clicks north.

And snipers up there in the tree line.

Goddammit!

I don't want to die! I don't want to die!

Cool it, Johnson! Johnson, cool it. We can do this.

Semper fi, gentlemen. Semper fi.

So, here's the plan. We're going to take them where they least expect it.

We take them head-on, give them everything we got, light this place up.

-This is our time, gentlemen.

-Oo-rah!

-It's us or them.

-Oo-rah!

-Now or never!

-Oo-rah!

-We are the Marines!

-Oo-rah!

-Oo-fricking-rah!

-Oo-fricking-rah!

Let's go out there and fuck some ass!

Oo-r.... Oh.

Aaaah!

Did he say...

Fuck some ass?

Yeah.

-Yeah, I think he did.

-Yeah.

Bit weird.

Definitely said "Fuck some ass."

'War for the win! Yay, war! Wait, sorry.'

'Oo-rah!'

One of the problems with this, and indeed comedy of today,

other than it being inward-looking and self-referential...

Mmm, indeed.

..Is that it leans too much towards the unsophisticated and crude.

Mmm.

Mmm.

I entirely agree. The craftsmanship is undermined by the vulgarity.

Clearly route one, and base, and obsessed with toilet humour.

Oh, yes. Homoeroticism.

Oh, homoeroticism!

-It's childish.

-Homoeroticism! Homoeroticism!

Well, one of the problems with this, and indeed comedy these days,

-other than being inward looking and self-referential...

-Indeed.

..Is that it leads to often towards the unsophisticated and the crude.

FART

I entirely agree.

FART

-The craftsmanship is essentially undermined by the vulgarity.

-FART

It's clearly route one, it's base, and it obsessed with...

FART

..toilet seat humour.

-I mean, essentially, it's...

-FART

-..Childish.

-FART

Just something a little bit more classy...

So, what do you think?

Brilliant. Lock it, doofus.

-Nice bum bag.

-It's a fanny pack!

Whatever.

Where's my mashed banana, Goddammit?

Somebody get my trader, now!

Buy, buy, buy!

Fuck! I get up at six every morning and head to the office.

Normally I'm hungover like a bastard,

but that doesn't matter, because my job is shit hot, and I'm a hot shit.

I'm a trader in the City of London, and this is my story.

Yes!

My job is amazingly complicated. She would never understand it.

I do, because my school was expensive.

I shop at Hackett, and my dad is rich as fuck!

I made an arseful of cash nuggets at the last recession

like a cash wizard,

so even though I'm spending their pensions

on golfing holidays, I hate old people.

They are weak.

You can see their veins.

After work I hit the bar like a sex truck.

I buy everyone drinks and let them know how handsome I am.

Then I ensure I get receipts for expenses.

If I see some totty I like, I'll entice them with my guns.

They are muscly from skiing. Skiing, like surprise anal, is awesome.

And if that doesn't work, I will tell her about my job

as a trader where I once earned so much money I bought a gold bin

just so I could throw it in my other, slightly larger gold bin.

If that doesn't give her a hard-on,

I'll get her drunk or drug her, then attack her while she sleeps.

I love champagne! Hackett!

The best thing about being a city trader is you can be rude to

waitresses and then shag them.

Hey, love. Do you take it in the shitter, or what?

Lesbian.

I love shagging birds, mainly because it makes my cock feel nice, but also because women are thick.

I hate them, and I shop at Hackett.

Jonny Wilkinson would be my hero if he wasn't so fucking poor.

Am I right?

Sometimes, when I'm alone at night...

..I think of all the things I've done

and I do weep.

Do I fucko?! Aaaa!

I'm invincible! Hackett!

'City bonus for the win!'

'Meanwhile, back at the cafe...'

Listen, Lizzie, old spunk,

you've got to pull yourself out of this boyfriend nonsense.

Over the years, Richard

and I have come to see ourselves as father figures to you chaps.

You know, young father figures with good skin. Like cool dads, you know.

Wouldn't be out of place if we came partying with you, would it?

Anyway, it's times like this I like to think

back to what my father used to say to me.

"It's the second hole down from the back of the neck."

No...

-"I hate you. You remind me of your mother."

-No.

"If you carry on like this, you'll end up running a cafe."

-Richard, Richard.

-Yes?

Thanks, old boy. You're not helping, OK?

Thanks.

No, he used to say to me, "Son, you're a lion!"

You're a lion?

Yeah, and it used to give me the courage to do certain things.

Like when you kissed that man for drugs in Thailand.

That was Tie Rack.

Oh.

OK, so just say it, Lizzie, OK?

Tie Rack?

No, I am a lion.

I am a lion.

Say it, come on. Say it, feel it!

I'm a lion.

I'm a lion. All of you, say it.

ALL: I'm a lion. I'm a lion.

-It feels good, doesn't it?

-Yeah.

-I'm a lion.

-You're a lion.

I'm a lion.

I'm a python.

Shut up, Warren. I'm a lion!

A lion!

-Now say it. Stand up.

-I'm a lion!

All of you, say it.

ALL: I'm a lion! I'm a lion!

-I'm going to go out there.

-ALL: I'm going to go out there.

I'm going to fuck some arse!

Come on!

That's it! I'm going to fuck some arse! Yeah!

Um, Lizzie, I think what John was trying to say...

Are you coming?

Yes.

-That was a bit weird.

-Yeah.

Oh, yeah, Lizzie.

We've clubbed together and got you something to cheer you up.

Yeah, just something small.

Oh, love you guys!

There it is.

Open it, open it, open it!

It's a...

It's a...

..bum bag.

Fanny pack!

You bought me a bum bag...

Fanny pack.

..to cheer me up?

It's not a bum bag.

It's a fanny pack.

What difference does it make?

Come on!

Hey, nice bum bag, mate.

It's not a bum bag, it's a fanny pack.

I was just passing on my way back from the ranch.

I could not help but notice those fanny packs.

I'd like to get me one of those fanny packs, and money's no object.

Sir, I couldn't help notice that fine-looking,

but practical fashion accoutrement you be sporting there.

Why, this here's a fanny pack.

I got to get me one of those.

Allow me, good sir. One fanny pack for my fine new friend here.

In fact, who else wants a fanny pack?

I'll have me a fanny pack, sir.

Fanny pack.

I'll have me a fanny pack, please, sir.

Fanny pack.

I'll have me a fanny pack and make no mistake.

That's four fanny packs. In fact, fanny packs for everybody!

ALL: Yee-ha!

Some crazy Yankee doodle Dandy out there's selling fanny packs

-like there's no tomorrow!

-ALL: What?

Come see for yourself!

Excuse me, young lady. Where's my manners?

I couldn't help noticing

that we share the same sartorial inclinations.

I was wondering if you might accompany an old-fashioned

gentleman down to the market store, see what might be occurring.

I had no idea she was so old-fashioned.

She wants a man from the 19th century.

Can I get a coffee, please?

Happy endings for the win!

An 80s throwback is making a comeback.

Fanny pack maniacs, play back the soundtrack!

# Forget about the wisecrack

# Hold back the backchat

# A laid-back, funky pack Goes with the slacks pack

# It's better than a knapsack Or even a jet pack

# It's funky on your butt crack Or just above the nutsack.

# You can't go wrong when you're Strapping on a fanny pack.

# White, red or pitch black

# You'll look like a savvy chap

# A dandy little Johnny Pack

# Better than a sixpack A cotton-picking honey trap

# A brightly coloured zip bag That's handy for a quick snack

# How about a flapjack Or what about a tic tac?

# A baggy little belt strap For zipping up your knickknacks.

# I've got to get my breath back

# Don't get sidetracked By calling it a bum bag

# Stay on the right track

# Slide on a hunchback And bring on the...

What's going on, Reg?

Ain't it obvious, motherfucker?

Looks like we've got fannypackolypse on our hands.

I'm Reg Robinson, let me explain. Gather round.

Win!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

I told you, nothing good can come from wearing bum bags.

I mean, admittedly, I didn't expect fannypackolypse,

but my point still stands.

What? They're coming back.

'Finkelmayer Tea Wocko!'

'I made that up. It's For The Win.'