Episode 1 Dead Boss


Episode 1

Comedy murder mystery series. Helen Stephens is sent to prison for murdering her boss. While she struggles with her situation, those around her want to keep her inside.


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Transcript


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How do you think it's going?

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Well, the jury's found you guilty, Helen.

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So, in my professional opinion,

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I think that means you did it.

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Helen Stephens.

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You have been found guilty of murder.

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Your victim was your employer, Eric Bridges,

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a family man who tragically leaves behind a thriving business,

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and a grieving, pint-sized second wife.

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You have shown no remorse for the frenzied attack

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that was to last an entire bank holiday weekend.

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Who keeps up a frenzy for three days?

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Say that! Say it!

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(SHOUTING) Who keeps up a frenzy for...?

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Forget it. Doesn't matter.

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Do you have anything to say before I pass sentence?

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Yes, I have. I'm supposed to be getting married...

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-You have been found guilty...

-..as soon my fiance turns up

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-and gives me my alibi, this whole...

-..I now sentence you

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to twelve years.

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Wha..?!

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GASPS

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Objection!

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Too long?

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Sit down, Mr Norman!

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Mum! Dad! You've got to believe, I didn't...

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-..Laura!

-Helen!

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-You've got to help me find Justin!

-Wait, please! She's my sister!

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-I need to speak to my sister! Helen!

-Laura!

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Can I have your Fitness First card?

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And the keys to your flat? Helen?

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Helen!

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'Dear Maurice, thank you for your postcard.

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'The answer is, yes.

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'I would love to be your prison pen pal.

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'Although our correspondence may be short-lived,

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'partly because I intend to clear my name

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'but mainly because you're on death row.'

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Come on!

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'I've been in Broadmarsh for two weeks now

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'and every day is like one of those nightmares

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'where you realise you've been revising for the wrong exam

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'and then you wake up

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'and find you've been falsely imprisoned for murdering your boss.

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'The thing I'm finding hardest to cope with is the lack of privacy.

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'Personal space has always been very important to me.

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'My cell mate, Christine, has made me feel most welcome

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'but, as I tried to explain to her, now isn't the right time for me

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'to take on an emotionally disturbed arsonist as a best friend.'

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TOILET FLUSHES

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INMATES SHOUT AND ARGUE

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BOARD SMASHES

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SHE MOUTHS

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'I haven't encountered the top dog yet, but rumour has it,

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'she once paper cut an inmate to death with a copy of TV Quick.

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'I've heard she's not left her cell in nine years.

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'I had a similar experience when I first got my hair permed.

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'But then I discovered Frizz Ease.

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'I've got a meeting with my lawyer now

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'and hopefully he'll have some news about my appeal

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'and where my fiance and alibi might be.

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'Maybe when I get out, I can come and visit you.

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'Or is that just rubbing it in?'

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For you!

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No thanks, I've just eaten a carbonara.

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I think.

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Did you see Secret Millionaire last night?

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No.

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It was BRILLIANT!

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Don't worry. I've Sky Plussed it.

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I can save it for up to two months.

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When are you out, again?

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In twelve years.

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Twelve years! Don't know if I can...

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I'll look at the manual.

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God, look at this place.

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You shouldn't be in here. No-one should.

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She should.

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SHE GROWLS

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Yeah, she should.

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Apart from her.

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-Right! It's your appeal! Eh?

-Yeah.

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Exciting!

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Ooh...

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I'm not going to mince around the bush with you, Helen.

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I'm going to say it straight.

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When am I going to get paid?

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What? You told me it was no win, no fee!

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I did not say no win, no fee.

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I definitely said no win, SOME fee.

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-Well, how much do we owe you?

-About five grand.

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Five grand?!

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Shhhh! Keep your voice down!

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Look, I'm definitely still on the case

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but I don't know if I can give you

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the full Tony magic until I get paid.

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I mean, I'll do what I can

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but, in all honesty, it's going to be half-arsed.

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-At best.

-What about the leads I gave you? Mr Bridges...

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Helen, Helen, Helen, Helen!

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Shush!

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You're bombarding me with information.

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Well, have you tracked down my fiance?

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Remind me, what's his involvement?

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He's my alibi!

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He was with me the night of the murder.

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Remind me, what was his name?

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Justin.

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Is that with a J or a G?

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-BELL RINGS

-Ooh! Saved by the bell!

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Look, as soon as you "free me up" with some cash,

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I promise I'll be on the case 150%.

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More, even.

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Tony?

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I will get out of here, won't I?

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You will DEFINITELY get out of here,

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one day.

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May the peace be with you,

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and also with you.

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INMATES SHOUT AND ARGUE

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Hi, Helen!

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I was thinking, we ought to have a cell warming party.

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You know, put some banners up,

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set light to a bin.

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Where are you going?

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To see the governor about my appeal.

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What do you think, hair up or down?

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Either way, you look stunning.

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Like an old Christine Bleakley.

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Wait, you're appealing? Why?

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Well, because I need to get out of here.

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What?!

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Oh, right, well, thanks!

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Thanks a lot!

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First Monique, then Brenda, then Tizita, then Eugenie,

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and now you!

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Why does everyone I get close to leave me?

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Or get burned a bit?

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This has nothing to do with you!

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This is about the fact that I'm innocent

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and I need to get out of here and get on with my life.

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I'm 38, Christine.

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If I wait, there's a strong chance my wedding photos

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will be really disappointing.

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SHE CHUCKLES

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Oh! Oh.

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Well, yes, you can appeal. Of course.

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Really?! What, you...you believe me?

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Yes, I "believe" you.

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And I will do everything I can, as Governor, to help you.

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But can I give you a little piece of advice?

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Appeals can take a very, very long time,

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and they don't always work.

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But you know what does always work in prison?

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Oh, erm...hunger strike?

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Getting stuck in!

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-SHE LAUGHS

-Yeah, but I'm innocent

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and I just want to start the...

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That's even more reason why you should join the drama club!

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Use your time well.

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Practise your table tennis serve.

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Design your own tattoo.

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Think of today as the first day

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of the rest of your life sentence.

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Yeah, but...

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what's the first step of the appeal process?

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The first step is to be patient.

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And the second step, before you ask,

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is to be realistic.

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You're going to be stuck in here for a very, very long time.

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But what's the first step of the appeals process?

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It would be a dreadful thing, wouldn't it,

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to have your case reopened and your sentence increased?

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Which means it would become longer.

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So I'll leave it with you to make the right decision.

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Cindy, will you send in Officers Frank and Tim, please?

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That wet bitch, Stephens, is after an appeal.

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THEY GROAN

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I can't help but take this very, very personally.

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I wonder if there's something we might do to change her mind.

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Um, Margaret,

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perhaps I could have a word with her.

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I don't mean to speak out of turn,

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but I think I'm one of the few wardens here

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who could really get inside that head of hers.

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I seem to have a unique bond

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with some of the more troubled inmates.

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I'm like a horse whisperer.

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For women.

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-HE SNIGGERS

-Something to say?

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Get over yourself, woman whisperer!

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I totally have a unique bond with them, Ma'am.

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In my pants. HE SHUDDERS

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I don't give a sheep's teat which one of you does it,

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just get it done. That'll be all, gentlemen.

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Hold the bucket lower!

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'You probably have a better idea of how

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'the sick mind of a twisted killer works, Maurice,

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'but I've got a nagging feeling whoever did kill Mr Bridges

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'is still very much on the scene.

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'For a man who sold ceramic tiling,

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'Eric certainly had a lot of enemies.

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'I wonder how everyone at Entirely Tiles is coping with his loss?

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'You know what they say, "While the cat's away, the mice will play."

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'And by "cat", I mean, "dead boss".

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'And by "mice", I mean the marketing team.'

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Hi, Mary.

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I've got a card here for Helen.

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To let her know we're all thinking of her.

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-Have you got a message?

-Yeah!

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Tell her, I hope she rots there!

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Is this about your mayonnaise, Mary?

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This is NOT about my mayonnaise.

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Although it was clearly marked as mine.

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This is about her murdering

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the best boss I've ever had.

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Helen didn't murder anyone, Mary.

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It's all just been a silly mistake.

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You tell her I said I always knew she was a bad egg!

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Life in prison is the best thing that could've happened to her.

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Right, well...

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..I might just put that in my own words, if that's OK.

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I'm going to hand deliver it when I visit.

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I hope I don't get locked in too!

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With Helen.

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SHE HITS STAPLER VIOLENTLY

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She can't intimidate me into not appealing.

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That's against my human rights...

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probably.

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Did she do that when you tried to appeal?

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I've never bothered. Appealing's not for me.

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I think once you're in, you're in.

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But I'm a typical Sagittarius like that.

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SHE GIGGLES

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Bloody hell! What are you doing?

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I'm sitting down to eat my...

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I'm going to go with carbonara again?

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That's Top Dog's table.

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But she's not here, is she? It's empty.

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It's how it works here, Helen.

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If you can't handle it, you know what you can do.

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-What?

-Nothing. There's nothing you can do.

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You can't tell people where they can sit and can't sit.

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OK? We are human beings, not...

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..children.

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We're talking about Top Dog here.

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She once blinded someone with a cheese straw.

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Really? Well, that doesn't scare me, and you know why?

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Because I'm not scared of cheese.

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SHE SLAMS TRAY DOWN

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INMATES ARE SILENCED

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Come on, Christine.

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Come on, Christine! You can do this.

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You're doing it!

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I'm doing it!

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You go, girl!

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Me, go, me!

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-Helen?

-Yeah?

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You make me a better woman.

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Night night.

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WOMAN SCREAMS

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WOMAN SCREAMS

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Arms up!

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Ow!

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That's for your girlfriend's minge.

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She's not my girlfriend.

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She's my cell mate.

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Oh, Helen! That is lovely.

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You're my soul mate too.

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You were washing your girlfriend's flaps

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under Top Dog's favourite showerhead, bitch.

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Well, first of all, anyone with eyes can see

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I wasn't washing her flaps.

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And secondly, I know a lot of gay people.

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Well, a gay man, anyway, and...

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I don't want to hear you talking. It sounds shit.

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Top Dog heard about your little performance in the canteen.

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She ain't happy.

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Well...

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if you'd just let me finish my ablutions, then we can talk, but...

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This is from Top Dog.

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Pumice 'em right up.

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THEY SCREAM

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SCRUBBING NOISES

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Calm down, for shit's sake!

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It's nothing I haven't already seen on CCTV!

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HE LAUGHS

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Who did that?

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I'm very disappointed in this posse.

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Now, get out to the yard!

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I said, get out to the yard!

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Get out to the yard, please?

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Please, get out to the yard?

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Let's go.

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I forgot my Veet.

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Word of advice.

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Don't drop the soap.

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But this is a women's prison.

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And?

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Well, that only really works in men's prisons.

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Don't get smart with me, flapjack.

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How you doing today, Stephens?

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Not that great, I've been wrongly imprisoned.

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What are you, a 32B?

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-What?

-I see you looking at me.

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You don't have to deny it.

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-I deny it!

-HE SNIGGERS

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Maybe I'm not the right person to be talking to you like this,

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given that I'm a warden and you're getting urges.

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But I'm telling you man to woman

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that you need to forget about appealing.

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And if you do, I might just find a way

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to make you feel a little happier in here.

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And down there.

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What do you say?

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I'm a 34C, actually.

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But how much of that is ribcage?

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You've come to the right place, Mrs Cole.

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It's a terrible, terrible thing that's happened.

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But believe me when I say,

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that petting zoo won't know what's hit it.

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Do you know, in a way, I'm glad this happened.

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Because if a child can't touch a goat without getting nipped,

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it makes a mockery of the entire petting system.

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CRASHING NOISE

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What was that? Is someone in there?

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Ssshh! Ssshh!

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HE YELLS

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You should be ashamed of yourself!

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Please don't bite me again, Mummy!

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I'd give it a minute.

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SHE SPRAYS AIR FRESHENER

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Mmm! Lavender. Very calming.

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Also good for boils.

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How are you doing today, Helen?

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Not that great. I've been wrongly imprisoned.

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I know you don't mean to, but sometimes you give off a vibe

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like you don't want to be here.

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A little birdie told me you were after an appeal.

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(WHISPERS) Is that really how you want to play it?

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Always thinking the grass is greener on the other side?

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Carpe Diem, Helen. Do you know what that means?

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What will be, will be.

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Carpe diem, di-em. Do you know what I mean?

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No.

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Is this really the worst place to be? Eh?

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BLOODCURDLING SCREAM

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You want to lighten up, little lady!

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Let your hair down. Enjoy yourself, yeah?

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Right, get yourself down to the visitor's room.

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Your sister's here. She has some horrific news to break to you.

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So how come there's no hot water during the day?

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This is the horrific news?!

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I told them our stepfather had been kicked in the face by a horse.

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We don't have a stepfather!

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Well, we definitely don't any more.

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So how comes I can't have a bath at three?

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Because it's on a timer.

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So how can I change that?

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Change the timer!

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Can you call a plumber?

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I get one phone token a week.

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I was going to use it to get out of prison.

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But you're right, I should use it

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-so you can have a hot bath in the afternoon.

-Sweet!

0:17:380:17:41

-Where you going?

-I've got to get back to my flat.

0:17:410:17:43

-My flat!

-THE flat.

0:17:430:17:45

How are Mum and Dad?

0:17:460:17:48

Not great.

0:17:480:17:49

Apparently, someone at the golf club found out about your conviction

0:17:490:17:53

and it's made it very awkward for them to drink in the clubhouse.

0:17:530:17:55

So do you think it's a bad time to ask for money,

0:17:550:17:57

because Tony can't continue...?

0:17:570:17:59

You can't ask them for money, Helen!

0:17:590:18:01

It's not fair. They're old, they're retired,

0:18:010:18:03

and they've enough on their plate paying off my student loan.

0:18:030:18:06

Right, see you.

0:18:060:18:07

Don't forget to call the plumber, yeah?

0:18:070:18:10

Aargh! What are you doing? No! No!

0:18:170:18:20

Christine!

0:18:220:18:23

Lesbos!

0:18:250:18:26

All right, what is going on?

0:18:260:18:28

I want to know why there's been some misbehaving

0:18:280:18:31

from you two Chatham Pockets.

0:18:310:18:33

-Well...

-Because, b-b-because, you, you,

0:18:330:18:37

you can't go around telling people where we can sit and can't sit.

0:18:370:18:41

W-w-we are human beings!

0:18:410:18:44

Not children!

0:18:440:18:46

Oh, I see. It's like that, is it?

0:18:460:18:48

Yeah, yeah, it is.

0:18:480:18:50

I might be in prison,

0:18:500:18:51

but I still have a choice.

0:18:510:18:53

And I no longer choose to eat standing up.

0:18:530:18:57

And as my cell mate, Helen, said,

0:18:570:18:59

you're just a nasty piece of work

0:18:590:19:02

who, like all bullies, picks on the weedy.

0:19:020:19:04

I didn't say that!

0:19:040:19:07

Because, to quote Helen,

0:19:070:19:08

"You're nothing but a lowlife excuse for a human being,

0:19:080:19:11

"who hides behind a group of mentally stunted..."

0:19:110:19:15

Helen was going to say "trolls",

0:19:150:19:18

but she said that would be insulting to trolls, so she said, "rat women,

0:19:180:19:21

"who trail after you like a long string of shit

0:19:210:19:25

"from a goldfish's bum hole."

0:19:250:19:28

I have...I've been COMPLETELY taken out of context!

0:19:280:19:32

Did I say that Helen then did an impression of you? Like... SHE SNORTS

0:19:320:19:36

To be fair, I had no idea what you looked like.

0:19:360:19:41

It's you!

0:19:450:19:47

Everyone, get out...

0:19:480:19:50

..NOW.

0:19:520:19:54

HE URINATES

0:19:540:19:57

DOOR OPENS LOUDLY

0:20:010:20:03

It's me, Helen Stephens!

0:20:200:20:22

You were my supply teacher at Mount Hill Senior School?

0:20:220:20:25

When Miss Seaward was having her hysterectomy?

0:20:250:20:27

Oh, my God!

0:20:270:20:29

What happened to you?

0:20:290:20:30

Well, well, well,

0:20:300:20:32

well, well, well, well.

0:20:320:20:34

Well.

0:20:350:20:37

We meet again.

0:20:370:20:39

Miss Grainger!

0:20:390:20:40

I barely recognized you without your underbite!

0:20:400:20:44

When'd you get your head brace off?

0:20:440:20:46

It was worth it. Your teeth look great!

0:20:460:20:48

Don't you talk about my teeth.

0:20:480:20:50

I don't want you to look at my teeth.

0:20:500:20:52

I don't want you to think about my teeth.

0:20:520:20:55

I don't want you to touch my teeth.

0:20:550:20:56

OK. I wasn't going to touch your...

0:20:560:20:59

You little shit!

0:20:590:21:01

You thought you were so clever back then, didn't you?

0:21:010:21:04

Oh, ha-ha-ha!

0:21:040:21:06

The supply teacher's got a head brace!

0:21:060:21:08

Let's all wear a coat hanger on our face to school.

0:21:080:21:11

Oh, hee-hee-hee!

0:21:110:21:13

Let's all hum continuously for an entire double period.

0:21:130:21:16

SHE HUMS

0:21:160:21:19

Oh, I know.

0:21:240:21:26

Let's spray paint "paedo" on the side of Miss Grainger's car,

0:21:260:21:29

when all she'd done was send a sixth former a Valentine's Day card.

0:21:290:21:34

Oh, come on. I was 15! That's not important!

0:21:340:21:37

We're in prison!

0:21:370:21:38

What's important now is that we stick together...

0:21:380:21:41

I might not have become an evil recluse,

0:21:410:21:43

if it wasn't for you, Stephens.

0:21:430:21:45

But as I now am one, I'm going to make the most of it.

0:21:470:21:51

I want you looking over your shoulder

0:21:510:21:54

every day you're in here.

0:21:540:21:56

Every move you make.

0:21:560:21:58

God!

0:21:580:22:00

I don't know what to say.

0:22:000:22:01

Sorry, I suppose.

0:22:010:22:03

Sorry I turned you into an evil recluse,

0:22:030:22:06

it was just a bit of fun that...

0:22:060:22:07

Too little, too late!

0:22:090:22:13

I'm the mummy here. You understand?

0:22:130:22:16

I'm...the mummy!

0:22:160:22:20

SHE BLOWS ON MAGAZINE

0:22:200:22:22

You're a dead bitch walking, Stephens.

0:22:220:22:26

SHE BLOWS ON MAGAZINE

0:22:260:22:29

OK!

0:22:290:22:30

But I can't help thinking

0:22:300:22:32

you might not want people knowing what I know.

0:22:320:22:34

Who you really are.

0:22:340:22:37

Which is, as far as I can remember,

0:22:370:22:40

a fully-grown woman who wet herself

0:22:400:22:42

in front of a class of 15-year-old girls.

0:22:420:22:45

You wouldn't dare.

0:22:470:22:49

(SHE GROWLS) Try me.

0:22:490:22:50

SHE COUGHS

0:22:520:22:54

THEY MOUTH

0:22:580:23:00

Can I help you?

0:23:080:23:10

It's me! It's Henry!

0:23:100:23:12

Henry Keating? From Contracts?

0:23:130:23:15

I've got the desk by the weeping fig plant.

0:23:150:23:18

Oh, yeah! No, of course!

0:23:180:23:21

Henry! It's good to see you. How did you...?

0:23:210:23:24

Your sister sorted it.

0:23:240:23:25

Apparently there's an hour-long episode of Eastenders on tonight,

0:23:250:23:29

so she'd have struggled to get back for that.

0:23:290:23:31

I see.

0:23:310:23:33

For you.

0:23:330:23:35

Well, I must say, prison agrees with you.

0:23:370:23:40

You look tickety-boo!

0:23:400:23:42

Thank you.

0:23:420:23:44

So how are things going with your appeal?

0:23:440:23:47

Not good.

0:23:470:23:49

My lawyer's on a go-slow until he gets paid.

0:23:490:23:52

Well, I don't want to seem over familiar,

0:23:520:23:54

but if you need some money...

0:23:540:23:56

Oh, no, I couldn't possibly!

0:23:560:23:58

-I insist.

-No, that's too generous.

0:23:580:23:59

How much do you need?

0:23:590:24:01

Five grand. It's about five grand.

0:24:010:24:03

Right, well...

0:24:070:24:09

let's start with this £75.

0:24:090:24:14

I've easily got the rest tied up in my car.

0:24:140:24:19

Let me sell that and I'll transfer the cash into your lawyer's account

0:24:190:24:23

before you can say, "permanent visitors' pass!"

0:24:230:24:25

I don't know what to...

0:24:270:24:29

Oh, I don't know what to say, Henry.

0:24:290:24:31

Thank you?

0:24:310:24:32

Oh, thank you.

0:24:320:24:34

Now, is there anything else I can do for you?

0:24:350:24:38

Do you want me to read to you or...?

0:24:380:24:39

Well, maybe.

0:24:390:24:41

Do you think you could check something for me?

0:24:410:24:43

Course.

0:24:430:24:46

Well, the day before Mr Bridges died,

0:24:460:24:47

he asked me to courier a parcel.

0:24:470:24:49

And he asked me to pay by cash, not account.

0:24:490:24:51

I remember thinking, "That's odd."

0:24:510:24:53

Why wouldn't you put it through the business?

0:24:530:24:55

I can't help thinking it's to do with the murder.

0:24:550:24:58

Right.

0:24:580:24:59

So what's this?

0:24:590:25:01

I've just been playing it over and over in my head,

0:25:010:25:03

trying to remember the address on the package

0:25:030:25:06

and, well, this is the closest I've got.

0:25:060:25:08

Mashta Fembwick.

0:25:080:25:11

2090 Toadpole TS.

0:25:120:25:16

Manchasteton, IE.

0:25:160:25:19

Well, this changes everything.

0:25:200:25:23

-It's not an address that makes much sense to me...

-Helen!

0:25:230:25:26

That's what Google's for. Leave it with me.

0:25:260:25:29

Thank you, Henry.

0:25:290:25:31

I can't tell you what a relief it is to have someone

0:25:310:25:33

-who actually wants to help.

-It's funny, isn't it?

0:25:330:25:35

Because when we worked together, the only conversation we ever had

0:25:350:25:38

was when you asked me if I was in the queue for Curry Club.

0:25:380:25:41

Yeah, it's funny how things work out!

0:25:410:25:43

But now, you NEED me.

0:25:430:25:46

I mean, you're totally dependent on me.

0:25:460:25:48

Yeah, well, it's very kind of you to help me.

0:25:480:25:51

And I'm going to call my lawyer and try and get him back on the case.

0:25:510:25:54

Thanks again, Henry.

0:25:550:25:56

It's no problem.

0:25:560:25:58

I will LITERALLY bend over backwards

0:25:580:26:01

to get you out of this hell hole.

0:26:010:26:03

HE SNIFFS

0:26:100:26:13

Oh, OK.

0:26:130:26:14

-Bye!

-Oh, Jesus!

0:26:260:26:28

-ANSWERPHONE BEEPS

-'Tony! Good news!

0:26:300:26:33

'I've got your money!

0:26:330:26:35

'Well, £75 of it, anyway.

0:26:350:26:36

'Oh, and I've remembered an address that might be important.

0:26:360:26:39

'It could really help with the appeal. So, yay!

0:26:390:26:41

'Oh, this is Helen from prison, by the way.'

0:26:410:26:43

HE WHIMPERS

0:26:490:26:51

'Dear Maurice, thank you for your postcard.

0:26:510:26:54

'In response to your query, the answer is, yes, on occasion.

0:26:540:26:57

'but only when I'm in a committed relationship.

0:26:570:27:00

'I'm sorry to break this news to you by letter,

0:27:000:27:02

'but it looks like my visit to Kansas will have to be delayed.

0:27:020:27:06

'My appeal is taking longer than I envisaged.

0:27:060:27:09

'Although there is a small ray of light.

0:27:090:27:11

'My ex-colleague, Henry, has offered to help me.

0:27:110:27:13

'God bless him, whoever he is!

0:27:130:27:16

'I'm trying to stay strong, but it is hard.

0:27:160:27:19

'In many ways I envy you, Maurice.

0:27:190:27:21

'I wish my own future was as certain as yours.

0:27:210:27:24

'Anyhoo, write soon.

0:27:240:27:25

'All the best, Helen.'

0:27:270:27:28

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

0:28:010:28:05

Helen Stephens is sent to prison for murdering her boss, managing director of Entirely Tiles. While she struggles to come to terms with her situation, those around her want to keep her inside.

Margaret the Governor hates appeals, her sister Laura wants her flat and her boyfriend and alibi Justin has disappeared. Helen not only has an incompetent lawyer, Tony, and an over-friendly cell-mate to contend with but she has also taken on Top Dog and the prison posse. Meanwhile she receives some unexpected help from her colleague Henry.


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