Episode 2 Don't Drop the Baton

This programme contains adult humour.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello, and welcome to Don't Drop The Baton.

-I'm Susan Calman.

-And I'm Mark Nelson,

and we're here at the Wild Cabaret in the heart of Glasgow's Merchant City.

Well, what a fantastic couple of weeks this has been.

It's been amazing, hasn't it, Mark?

Ask me what my favourite bit was.

Go on, ask me, what was my favourite bit, go on, ask me, ask me.

OK, what was your favourite moment?

Only the invention of the most electrifying celebration in sport -

the Rumgay!

You know, after the guy that did the table tennis,

I don't know if you saw it -

rarr!

I just can't stop doing it now after any achievement.

A breakfast - Rumgay. Park my car - Rumgay.

Did a good Rumgay - double Rumgay.

I just can't...

I'm just Rumgaying mad.

Now, did you enjoy the Games, Mark?

Tell me - you're often known as slightly grumpy,

but tell me you enjoyed them.

If you didn't enjoy them, I don't think I could cope.

Tell me you enjoyed them, Mark.

-I loved them.

-Yes!

-I genuinely loved them.

-Rarr!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

I think my personal highlight was seeing the double gold medal

-won by our tandem cyclists.

-Mmm.

I think what impressed me the most

was that they worked so well together,

despite their massive difference in size.

Do you, eh...

Do you think we should... Do you think we should give it a go, Mark?

The-the tandem?!

Yes, the tandem, nothing else, Mark.

You mean, the next four years with your nose in my arse?

Well, let's try it and see whether or not it's an acceptable thing.

Let's just have a wee...

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

You know what, Susan?

I don't think we should even get a bike.

Listen, the Games have been really romantic.

There have been two marriage proposals in the cycling, Mark,

and there was even one in the crowd at the rugby sevens.

WHOOPING

Yeah, that's the danger of selling alcohol at the stadiums.

-SLURRED:

-I love you.

But the opening ceremony was something else, wasn't it?

-It was quite remarkable.

-It was.

It was kind of like the ultimate Scottish wedding,

but done backwards,

because... all of the beautiful outfits,

the music, the speeches, came at the end,

but it was the beginning

where we packed in the drunk dancing...

the singing where you couldn't understand

a word anyone was saying...

and the mad auntie talking to herself.

LAUGHTER

I've been on the auction websites because I wanted a memory

of the opening ceremony,

but I didn't get all of the items that I wanted.

I mean, a teacake was £1,600.

A cardboard sheep was £200.

I only had 20 quid so I got Prince Philip.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

All the sports have been great, all of them.

So many lovely stories about the Games, as well.

Like, the Brownlee brothers, they do the triathlons,

and they have to compete against each other.

And they get on really well, apparently,

but it must be really tempting at the toughest part of the race

for one of them just to lean into the other

and go, "You're adopted."

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

One of my favourite moments - I was watching it the other night -

someone took the time to make a handmade sign at the bowls

calling "Tattie" Marshall "the Lionel Messi of bowls"!

I mean, if anything, it should have been the Luis Suarez of bowls,

-because that man looks like he's not afraid to eat anything.

-Yeah.

I'm only disappointed they didn't let me

recreate the John Barrowman kiss

with Kylie Minogue in the closing ceremony.

WHOOPING

Yeah, there was quite a lot of security in place

to stop exactly that, wasn't there, Susan?

LAUGHTER

MUSIC: "You Don't Know You're Beautiful" by One Direction

LAUGHTER

LAUGHTER

PHONE DIALLING

-'Hello.'

-Hello, Sandra.

Can you tell me why so many people are using

the same Portaloo at Glasgow Green?

INAUDIBLE

I see.

We're going to need to get some more.

A lot more.

And, eh, get that one cleaned.

LAUGHTER

CROWD CHEERING

ROUSING MUSIC

Right, Stevie, get the Australian anthem, please.

What?!

I thought it was the Jamaican that was supposed to win that one?

It was, but the Australian pipped him on the line. Hurry up and set it up.

I don't have it.

-What do you mean, you don't have it?!

-I had it yesterday

but I took it home to let the girlfriend hear some of the anthems.

I've told you before, stop taking stuff home to her!

-Hurry up and get it!

-Where?!

I don't know, the internet or something.

I don't have it on my Spotify! What are we going to do?!

He's away up! Eh...

FEEDBACK WHINES

ECHOING THROUGH SPEAKERS: # Y-You know we belong together

# You and I for ever and ever

# No matter where you are

TOGETHER: # You're my guiding star

# Hold me in your arms, don't let me go

# I want to stay for ever

# Closer each day

# Home and away. #

BUZZER

ALARM BLARES

Verruca! We've got a verruca!

Put this on, right now!

You dirty, dirty boy!

Verruca! We've got a verruca!

172.5 miles to go.

Nearly there, kids!

Come on! We've only got three hours before it starts, come on!

That's the spot, we'll set up over there. Perfect. Come on, come on!

They'll have started now. Are you excited?

Come on, who's having a good time?

Yeah, me too, kids.

Me too.

Here we go, this is what we're here for!

Alice, quick, get ready with that camera.

Oh, that was great.

Really made the trip worth it.

Once in a lifetime, eh?

Right, let's get this all packed up then. Got a long drive home.

Don't forget the banner.

I was really worried that these Games would be abysmal.

But...

it hasn't, it's been success after success.

As a nation, we are not used to this success,

especially when it comes to sport.

And this has to have some effect on our national psyche.

We're so used to being the underdog, that with our new-found success, our

natural instinct was to support other nations, who were now the underdogs.

We rallied behind Nigeria in the table tennis

against the favourites from Singapore.

At the rugby sevens, one of the biggest chants came for the Ugandans.

In the past couple of weeks, we have adopted more Africans

than Madonna and Angelina Jolie put together!

APPLAUSE

But where do we go from here?

Let's be honest, did any of us really see the day

when we would be one of the best nations in the world at swimming?

And if you think WE were surprised by the success,

what about the swimmers themselves?

Ross Murdoch's reaction after he won that gold was priceless.

It was the same reaction you would get from a wee guy

who'd just pulled the best-looking girl at school, in front of all his pals.

Michael Jamieson's reaction, on the other hand,

was the same you'd get from a guy who's just seen his incredibly

good-looking girlfriend getting off with Ross Murdoch.

And I'll tell you - I'll tell you how confident we've become at swimming.

We stuck a wee 13-year-old lassie in a race, just for a laugh,

and SHE won a medal!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Erraid Davies wasn't even there to compete that day -

she was just there to have a go on the flumes!

Scotland's men have even won their first team gymnastics medal,

and Daniel Keating won gold in the pommel horse.

We have gone from being the heart attack capital of Europe

to being able to perform a perfect double pike dismount overnight.

I'm actually amazed the gymnasts weren't banned from the arenas

for political reasons - because trust me,

when my wife saw their bodies,

all she could think was, "Yes!"

We were even cheering on England!

Previously, I would have supported Al-Qaeda Select XI...

..if they were playing England at dominoes.

But this is what happens when you start getting good at things,

you stop wishing everyone else was just doing badly

and you're quite happy for everyone.

To see how much these Games have changed our attitude, you have to

look no further than when Usain Bolt allegedly described Glasgow

as being "a bit shit".

Now, before the Games, we would have probably have just agreed with him.

But no, not now, no, no - this is the new and improved Glasgow.

So, Usain, on behalf of Glasgow, we're not having that.

Even the one thing we could always rely on to be rubbish,

the one thing that would return us to our cynical state,

even that worked out - the weather.

People complaining beforehand - "Yeah, but it'll rain, it'll rain."

But it hasn't even properly rained...

Well, as long as we forget that day it absolutely pished down.

But now, our collective minds have been reprogrammed.

We now expect sunshine. And we're shocked when we don't have it!

Do you know how liberating it is in July to leave the house

without a cagoule?!

At one point, it was so hot, we started to moan about how HOT it was!

We started to use the term "heatwave"!

Because in other countries, a heatwave means something.

It normally means that riverbeds have dried out.

A heatwave here just means

you've managed to get two washings out on the same day.

And I think this positivity is going to be the ultimate

legacy for Glasgow 2014, cos it's not about us

having a new place to cycle or having a new housing estate in the East End.

Our legacy is we are now seen by the world as a friendly,

joyful nation who are actually quite good at sport.

More importantly than that,

maybe this is how we will start to see ourselves.

Well done, Glasgow.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Some Glasgow residents are helping out during the Games by putting

their own skills to good use, like local umbrella salesman, Gary.

We all know the weather in the west of Scotland can be unpredictable.

'What if Plan A doesn't work?

'That's where I come in. Meet Plan B.'

I can do better, I know I can.

I have to.

'There is no Plan C.'

'It's me against the rain.'

More.

If you're expecting the Commonwealth Games

to be affected by rain, you're in for a shock.

The sun is beating down on Glasgow with a top

temperature of 27 Celsius.

Tomorrow, it's expected to reach 28...

PHONE RINGS

Hello.

Well, it's not what I signed up for, but if you need me.

MUSIC: "Zumba Bimba"

APPLAUSE

MUSIC: "Firestarter" by The Prodigy

APPLAUSE

# You raise me up

# So I can stand on mountains

# You raise me up

# To walk on stormy seas... #

I never thought I'd get employed.

But see when they opened up this velodrome, well,

they said I was just perfect for this one.

Sandra, quick question.

Why have three people come joint first at the running?

Oh, they're not joint first. They're second and third.

They came second and third? So do they get a rosette for that?

Yeah, and silver and bronze medals.

OK, we're going to need silver and bronze paint, Sandra.

A lot.

No tickets for the swimming? No problem.

Staff only.

-Do you know who I am?

-No.

-I'm Hazel Irvine.

-No, you're not.

I am. Ask me a question about sport, any sport.

Go on, ask me about snooker.

I know what Hazel Irvine looks like. You're not her.

Does Hazel Irvine have a clipboard?

Do I have a clipboard? I rest my case.

You're not Hazel Irvine. You can't get into the swimming.

-What if I said I was Jackie Bird?

-Are you?

-No, I'm Hazel Irvine.

-No.

-How about Annie Lennox?

-Are you?

-No, I'm Hazel Irvine.

Hazel hair, hazel teeth, hazel blouse, Hazel here. Hazel Irvine.

Hazel Irvine. Hazel Irvine.

That's the password, Miss Irvine. Can't be too careful these days.

You can't.

Ya beauty!

Everyone really got into the spirit of the Games, including me.

I had one shot of being Hazel Irvine and I took it. Because I love her.

I genuinely... I genuinely love Hazel Irvine.

The athletes in 2012

had the Olympic rings tattooed on themselves.

She's my hero, so I'm getting a tattoo of Hazel Irvine on my back.

Hazel Irvine has actually got a tattoo of Clare Balding on her back,

and Clare Balding has a tattoo of Gary Lineker on her back,

and Gary Lineker has a tattoo of himself on his back.

How fabulous were the Clydesiders, though?

I mean, they were setting the tone, weren't they great?

CHEERING

I liked them from the start,

because Clydesiders actually scans with Ghostbusters.

If there's something strange in your neighbourhood,

-who are you going to call? AUDIENCE:

-Clydesiders!

I don't know what I'm going to do without them. I genuinely don't.

I mean, we're all used to them.

Who's going to high-five me in George Square

just for crossing at the green man?

APPLAUSE

I love them so much I tried to buy a Clydesider in the online auction.

Just imagine getting up in the morning and being greeted

by a smiling volunteer at the end of your bed waving a green foam finger.

"You're amazing, Susan." Thank you!

You'd never need to go on Google Maps ever again.

You could spot a Clydesider a mile away by their lanyards,

you know, the massive ID cards.

I tried to join in by hanging a laminated table mat around me neck.

Now, the real legacy of the Games, of course,

are the thousands of Glaswegians who will be off work with back

troubles after wearing the lanyards for 11 days.

All the home nations have had loads of supporters,

but the only thing that niggled was when anyone mentioned Team Wales.

I wanted to correct them because a team of whales is a pod.

If you watched the athletics at Hampden, you will know

Glaswegians were brilliant at supporting the underdogs.

As an athlete, if you heard your name booming around the stadium,

the good news was we loved you.

The bad news was - we didn't fancy your chances very much.

I didn't get to a live rugby match - there's no point.

The crowd are so posh they wear their rugby shirt collars up,

which makes it harder for people of my height to see anything.

Really, I'm a bit jealous of all the athletes.

I'd love to win a gold medal, not just because I'm competitive,

but I want to be the highest on the podium,

so for once I can be taller than everyone else.

The whole of Glasgow has embraced the Games.

At the marathon, people were hanging out of tenement windows,

updating the crowd on the race.

And I was out watching the marathon.

I saw something I never thought I would see in my life -

the main police rider was driving down the street waving

to everyone. You'd have thought he was the main attraction.

He was like that, "Hiya! Hi, everybody!"

It's like, "Never mind the trained athletes behind you."

He was like that, "Hiya, everyone."

And people were cheering. People were cheering the police, genuinely.

I thought I'd entered an alternate reality.

People were like that, "There's the polis."

It wasn't a one-off either.

The police were in good spirits the whole time.

Do you remember the four Sri Lankan cyclists who were

stopped by the cops...cycling down the M74?

"Oh, we'll just go for a wee ride down the M74.

"It's awfy busy, isn't it?"

You just imagine the police stopping them.

"Right, off the bikes. I'm going to have to take your names now.

"What's...? Buda-buda-buda-haka-war...

"Can you spell that, sir? How are you spelling that there?

"Listen, let's just leave it. Er...

"Next time, take the M8 - it's an easier access."

Everyone, though, got right into the spirit of it.

We all played our part and Scotland had a chance to shine.

And did we take that chance?

You can bet your Barrowman we did.

APPLAUSE

A Chris Hoy action doll.

In the past, it was simply known as a mirror.

With this rebrand, we launch it again as Hoy, You.

The Old Man of Hoy and...

DOG BARKS ..Hoy of the Rovers. Grr!

A Hoy.

Little Lord Fontle Hoy.

It's a telescope that you Gaffer Tape to a bike.

Experience what it's like to be Chris Hoy after a 200-mile bike race.

The Chris Hoy Nutcracker.

What do you think?

You've joined me for the big one - the 100m final.

This is a wee change of pace for me

as normally I'm commentating on the fast-paced dynamic world of bowls.

So what's happening?

Everyone's getting ready, by the looks of things.

There's someone in lane one.

From Jamaica, it says here.

I tell you what, if I was in Jamaica,

I wouldn't be running as fast as I could.

I'd be sitting down with a cold glass of milk

and trying not to get myself too excited.

-In lane two...

-GUN FIRES

Oh, jings, they've started.

Let's just watch and I'll tell you all who they were at the end.

Where's my pen?

It's always the way, isn't it?

Whenever you need one, you can't find one.

How am I supposed to write down who won if I don't have a pen?

Oh, is that it?

I didn't see what happened.

I was too busy raking about in my jacket.

I suppose we'll read all about it in the papers tomorrow.

Oh, here it was all along...

under my notepad.

I knew I had a pen.

You don't get to this level without having a pen when you need one.

It's called being a professional.

That me done?

SIRENS BLARE

Let me see what I can do for you.

-Police!

-MAN ON RADIO:

-All units, go, go, go!

RADIO CHATTER

You sick bastard! Selling this stuff to kids.

HE VOMITS

Netball tickets. First round?

Have you got any idea what this can do to people?

I can understand cycling. That's a recreational sport but netball?

You're scum.

I don't watch it. I just sell it.

Why don't you two go and catch some real criminals?

Netball's a gateway event. Next thing you'll be telling me

you've been selling rhythmic gymnastics tickets.

I'm going to kill him!

Cool off! Go and sit in the car and take them with you.

HE VOMITS

-Hand them over.

-I couldn't get them.

You promised me swimming tickets.

Like gold dust. Swimming, athletics, velodrome, everyone wants them.

You'd better get me some or I'll start putting it about that you

are selling something worse than netball tickets.

What's worse than net..?

No.

No, you wouldn't do that to me.

I get caught selling that stuff, I'm finished.

My life will be over.

Well then, get me in the swimming or I'll start connecting your name

to three little words -

closing ceremony tickets.

Glasgow's Commonwealth legacy.

-We've regenerated Dalmarnock into a thriving...

-Car park.

-This community playground is now a...

-Car park.

-This over-performing primary school...

-Car park.

-This women's house...

-Car park.

-This woman...

-Car park.

-The Clyde...

-Still the same old Clyde.

-This car park...

-Mega car park!

-Glasgow...

-Car park for building other car parks.

Glasgow's alive...with car parks.

Next to the mat, in the male 96 kilo category,

Nathan Jones of Australia...

And a challenger.

All the way fae Ayrshire, Scotland, it's Grado!

It's yersel!

# I'm down on my knees

# I'm going to take you there

# In the midnight hour

# I can feel the power

# Just like a dream...

Hey, hey, hey! I told you, this is freestyle wrestling,

not that American pish.

Get your heid in the game.

CHEERING

Get up! You'll get yourself disqualified.

One, two, three...

Yes!

I cannae believe it. I've won a golden medal.

Here's your winner,

the new Commonwealth champion of the world, Grado!

So, the games are over

and that's the last we're going to see of Clyde the mascot.

I know, just on the way here today,

I actually saw some council workers douse him in weedkiller.

LAUGHTER

The volunteers have all gone home.

Sadly, those with male partners taking their foam fingers home

with them, won't be popular.

There's nothing like a giant hand to make a man's bits look tiny.

And of course, everyone who bought a house in the athletes' village

can look forward to moving in and immediately spending a grand

on a deep clean to get sweat rings out of the leather sofa.

If only, this is my dream, if only Sean Connery

had starred in the closing ceremony

leading a sing-along of...

# Foam-finger! #

APPLAUSE

Do you know, we've had a brilliant time at the Commonwealth Games.

I'd love to do this every year.

Thank you all so, so much for watching. BOTH: Good night.

Good night, everyone.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE