2017 Frankie Boyle's New World Order

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Frankie Boyle!

This programme contains very strong language and adult humour.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello, and welcome to the 2017 New World Order Review Of The Year.

And it's been an eventful year.

Theresa May looks crushed, doesn't she?

Her body language is amazing.

I didn't realise it was possible to limp with both legs.

AUDIENCE LAUGH

Those necklaces keep getting bigger, as well.

She looks like the worst prize on a hoopla stall

run by the Wu-Tang Clan.

AUDIENCE LAUGH

It's been a year of sexual assault allegations.

Harvey Weinstein checked himself into rehab on a ranch.

I think the last thing this world needs is Harvey Weinstein

learning how to use a lasso.

AUDIENCE LAUGH

"Harvey! Harvey, that's not how you mount a horse!"

AUDIENCE LAUGH

They've got yoga therapy at this sex clinic

they're all checking themselves into.

I don't think we want any of these people

retraining as yoga instructors.

"Breathe in through your nose and out through my cock."

AUDIENCE LAUGH

Kevin Spacey really went for it, didn't he?

Imagine at this point in history, being adjudged such a sex predator

that you're not allowed to play the President of the United States.

AUDIENCE LAUGH

AUDIENCE APPLAUD

It amazes me, really, that Donald Trump hasn't been assassinated.

Especially when you consider quite a lot of his security

are concentrating on stopping Melania from making a break for it.

AUDIENCE LAUGH

Trump's loved by the Klu Klux Klan and by evangelical Christians.

Which is strange because he's the perfect argument

both against white supremacy and for abortion.

AUDIENCE LAUGH

We had Brexit, led by the least among us,

Boris Johnson, a sort of malevolent baked Alaska...

AUDIENCE LAUGH

..and David Davis, a man who seems to suffer from the same

lack of imagination as his parents.

AUDIENCE LAUGH

Jeremy Corbyn lost the election

because he couldn't appeal to old people, basically.

There's nothing about Corbyn that appeals to the elderly.

What's he got? The support of the grime community

and a passing resemblance to Harold Shipman.

AUDIENCE LAUGH

This year, Britain was the number-three exporter of aid to Yemen.

There's a famine in the Yemen.

And at the same time, the number-two seller of arms to Saudi Arabia,

who are causing the famine in Yemen.

That's like shooting someone in the face,

then spooning porridge into the cavity.

AUDIENCE LAUGH

Apple launched their new iPhone.

This one, you unlock with facial recognition.

My tip is, set it to your cum face.

AUDIENCE LAUGH

So that if someone mugs you for your phone, at least they've got to wank you off first.

AUDIENCE LAUGH

AUDIENCE APPLAUD

At the end of the year, we had the announcement of the Royal Wedding.

We're having a street party with jelly and ice cream.

Nothing to do with the wedding, we're trying to flush out a local paedophile.

AUDIENCE LAUGH

Tonight, we'll be taking a look at the events of the year,

and joining me to discuss them are Sara Pascoe, Katherine Ryan,

Miles Jupp and data journalist, Mona Chalabi!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Hello. GUESTS:

-Hi.

Now, tonight, I'll be making a proposition that sums up

my view of the year, and that proposition is...

2017 is the year no-one will look back on fondly

because we'll all be dead.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

This year, one figure dominated the news more than any other - Donald Trump.

He may have to shit by caesarean,

but he's still the most powerful man in the world.

LAUGHTER

This year, he announced US withdrawal from the Paris climate agreement,

championed tax cuts for billionaires

and supported an alleged paedophile

as a Republican candidate for the Senate.

Trump is like a fat bee bashing around inside a greenhouse,

repeatedly failing to understand

why the world doesn't work as he thought it did.

Like any good authoritarian,

a lot of his hatreds are simply projection.

He has targeted North Korea for threatening its neighbour

to the south, promising to expand its nuclear capability,

and assassinating people abroad.

Despite the fact this was pretty much Trump's election manifesto.

LAUGHTER

I don't know if you know, but Trump's brother died from alcoholism,

so Trump avoids alcohol because his brother was an alcoholic.

If only his brother had died from being a massive cunt.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

-Have you enjoyed Trump? Does he worry you?

-He doesn't worry me any more.

You know that thing about how once you see how sausages are made,

you don't want to eat sausages?

Politically, he's showing us how the sausages are made.

Politics has always been poisonous and toxic and awful,

and they've always had nuclear buttons and there've always been pigs.

Now you can see it. Now we all know.

-But the thing is, it's not affecting his popularity.

-People like sausages.

LAUGHTER

-Exactly. Exactly.

-That's the problem.

-Mona, how's Trump holding up in the polls?

-Really well.

In November 2017,

he was basically as popular as he was in November 2016.

Which is still not very popular.

I think 59% of Americans disapprove of him,

which makes him an historically-unpopular president.

Like, no other president really comes close, apart from Gerald Ford.

But he was an historically unpopular candidate.

You're seeing this all the time now, that as long as you're just divisive,

it doesn't matter, as long as you've just got this

one demographic that will kind of back you.

And do people worry that he's a Russian mole?

I mean, it would certainly explain why he can't speak English.

LAUGHTER

I find him amazing to watch. Just that level of sort of rage.

I think a lot of it's to do with his diet, probably.

He only eats fast-food.

He's basically full all the time of salt and sugar.

So any behaviour you see is a direct symptom of that.

Like a child that's had too much jelly gets very, very high

and then has these sort of miserable crashes.

And then he presumably consumes no roughage...whatsoever,

which is why most of his real fury

is reserved for when he's on the lavatory.

-Tweeting.

-He's tweeting there. He's angry, he's lonely.

I shouldn't imagine he's the sort of person that has books in his loo.

LAUGHTER

The only thing he's got to do is read about himself on the internet

and then get angry and then let it all out.

There have been a lot of examples of Trump doing bizarre things this year.

A highlight from me is this peculiar footage from August,

where Trump idiotically looks directly into the solar eclipse.

LAUGHTER

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

What happened is people beforehand will have been briefing him, going, "Don't look at the sun",

and when he was out there, people were shouting, "Don't look at the sun",

so there was a small gap when no-one was telling him not to look at the sun.

And he looked at the sun.

And he pointed to the sun in case nobody knew where it was.

"There it is. It's up there. Why are you looking at me?"

She, on the other hand, she's probably sort of,

probably would feel in two ways about losing her sight.

LAUGHTER

She's probably trying to burn the image of him

on top of her out of her retinas.

GROANING

Well, that was too far.

Trump's a dangerous man. If you tell him he can't do something, he'll do it.

I think men like Trump should be told, you know,

"You can't make a woman your age climax. You can't do it."

And then they'll just spend their whole lives trying.

"You can't tell me I can't make a woman my own age climax."

And then they'll have to spend time around women with educations and opinions.

And then it might solve things a little.

LAUGHTER

In September, Trump was filmed in Texas supposedly helping

victims of Hurricane Harvey.

Watch this baffling news footage of his half-hearted attempt

to load an aid truck.

Hey, can you handle this? It's a lot of...

-Yes, sir.

-Have a good time.

-Thank you.

I'll put this back here for you. All right?

OK? You got it.

-Is this going in there?

-Yes, sir. One more.

OK, fellas.

You're all set. Thank you.

AUDIENCE LAUGH

Beautiful! All right! That's good exercise.

AUDIENCE APPLAUD

He moves like a sort of walrus on a segway or something.

LAUGHTER

He does a lot of these sort of opportunities,

and yet seems very ill at ease.

You know when George Osborne would accidentally be left alone

with a construction worker for five seconds,

and he'd be going, "All right?"

LAUGHTER

I think there's a thing where he knows

-they can only show five seconds of that on a news show.

-Mm-hm.

So almost by accident, his attention span, his lack of attention,

fits in with the media's lack of attention.

Because he knows he's never going to be called on that.

But what most people showed was him standing on top of a truck.

I remember this went really viral, being, like, "Great crowd here! Great crowd!"

But 12,700 homes were destroyed and 82 people died

in the second-worst natural disaster in US history

and he's, like, "Oh, loads of people showed up to see me!"

LAUGHTER

Black Americans are near the top of Trump's list of adversaries.

Somewhere in-between Muslims and common decency.

But Trump's nemesis this year

has been North Korean leader Kim Jong-un.

Here's how North Korean state TV

portray their leader's life as one long party.

UPBEAT SINGING

KOREAN COMMENTARY

KOREAN COMMENTARY

MUSIC PLAYS

ROUSING SINGING

APPLAUSE

You know, he's enjoying it.

He looks like, you know, he's getting more out of it than Trump.

I mean, who are we to deny him his happiness, I suppose?

They've developed nuclear warheads.

But basically, at the moment,

their delivery system is £3 million worth of stamps.

LAUGHTER

And they're trying to say that, oh, eventually,

they're going to be able to hit LA, which means we'll lose, what,

James Corden and half-a-million rapists?

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Whilst World War III was brewing in North Korea, there was

an invasion of a different kind in South Korea,

which became one of the most-shared clips of the year.

Here's the embarrassing moment a serious BBC interview

turned into a farce.

The question is, how do democracies respond to those scandals?

And what will it mean for, er...for the wider region?

I think one of your children's just walked in.

I mean, shifting sands in the region?

Do you think relations with the north may change?

Um...I would be surprised if they do.

The, um... Pardon me.

My apologies.

What will this mean for the region?

My apologies. North, er...

Sorry.

-AUDIENCE APPLAUD

-Um...North Korea... South Korea's policies...

It was perfect, wasn't it? It was like Some Like It Hot.

Everything was... Every bit is perfect.

You notice something new every time you watch it.

I didn't realise the toddler got crushed

by the baby's little jungle gym on the way out.

It's the way they both walk in that I love so much.

And they absolutely know what they're doing. Like, "I'm on telly"!

Glorious. I mean, your children are ultimately out to destroy you.

-LAUGHTER

-This is, I suppose, evidence of it.

That kind of look on his face, as if he's said,

"Daddy has to do one thing. One work thing today.

"How often am I interviewed on the news? Almost never.

"If no-one can come into the study for that five-minute window, that's all I ask."

And that just defeated look on his face,

"What's the worst thing that could happen?

"This, the thing that's happening to me now."

LAUGHTER

I love to think that he couldn't get up and help

because he was naked from the waist down.

LAUGHTER

That's how I take Skype news at home.

Anyway, many of us thought that Donald Trump would walk away

with the title of the Worst Person Of The Year,

but we were forgetting about one man - Piers Morgan.

LAUGHTER

Watch this uneasy interview where Piers ambushes a bewildered

Mariah Carey and tirelessly tries to get her reaction

to breaking news in Las Vegas.

Mariah, thank you so much for joining us.

I don't know if you're aware of the breaking news,

but there's been a massive gun attack in Las Vegas tonight,

within the last hour, with a shooter

raining down rapid-fire gunfire

on thousands of concert-goers.

I know you weren't aware of this before you've just come on air,

but what is your immediate reaction to what I've just told you?

I mean, it's just what everybody's gut reaction would be,

which is, this is horrible.

And I pray for the victims and I hope this...

-Have they caught the shooter yet, or...?

-Apparently, one shooter...

-One down...

-Do you guys know?

-One shooter is confirmed dead.

He was found on the 32nd floor of the Mandalay Bay hotel.

It would appear that that shooter,

either operating alone or with others, has shot down,

and we've seen lots of video footage of this, has shot down,

raining hundreds of bullets.

Obviously, you'd understand better than most that this is

a big breaking story in America

and we need to work out exactly what's been going on there,

so we'll talk to you in a minute or two.

APPLAUSE

If she'd known it'd be about a mass shooting,

she'd have started off in a different position.

LAUGHTER

But she makes a decision not to change position.

She looks down and goes, "Nah, it's OK".

When you've been sausaged into that much shape wear, you don't have a choice.

LAUGHTER

Also, and I know that obviously, it's a very serious, serious story,

but why has she got a Christmas tree up? This was in October.

Because it's Christmas all year round at her place.

Do you think that's it? So, she can sing her song at people?

Mariah Carey is the queen of Christmas

and I'll not hear any Mariah Carey bashing here tonight.

-If anything...

-You're not going to hear any.

I think there should be a channel where we just break news to Mariah Carey.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

-All sorts of news.

-Yeah.

-All day, every day.

Mariah Carey Reacts!

LAUGHTER

Give it to her, 100 years of history.

IMITATES MARIAH CAREY: What a tragedy for the people of the Yemen!

LAUGHTER

Meanwhile, the news in Britain was dominated by Brexit.

In March, Article 50 was triggered,

leading to fractious Brexit negotiations

between the UK and the rest of the EU.

The prospect of Brexit has already managed to get immigration down

and exports up by making the pound worthless.

LAUGHTER

At the moment, Britain is in a strange position, where we

seem to be sanguine about foreigners owning our infrastructure,

we just don't want them picking our fruit.

LAUGHTER

A full-member state leaving the EU is an unprecedented move

and it's important for news shows to canvass informed opinions.

Here's Prince Andrew's insightful forensic analysis of the whole thing.

You can look at it two ways. You can either look at it as a glass half-empty,

"Oh, my God, why have we done this?"

Or you can look at it as a glass half-full, which is,

"OK, that's where we are".

We've been concentrating on 27 countries...

..if you take that as an internal market...

..there's an external market that is a lot bigger.

And many businesses hadn't looked over that garden fence,

to some extent.

And in my experience recently,

businesses that look over the garden fence have gone,

"Hm! The grass is not quite as dark

"and unforgiving as you might expect.

"And actually, you know, getting over the fence,

"there might be some fresh grass out there."

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

# The Grand Old Duke of York

# He knew absolutely fuck-all about anything. #

He has sort of taken his trolley to the metaphor supermarket there, hasn't he?

And gone absolutely crazy in the aisles.

Also, I think that's a lot worse than Mariah Carey.

I think it's a lot worse to think you know what you're talking about

and talk gibberish than to just go,

"I am not qualified to talk about this".

Still not quite as bad as David Davis.

-To not be qualified and still talking about it.

-Yeah.

He was supposed to have done 58 reports on the impact of Brexit

and he just went, "Oh, I've not done anything."

If he was working at sort of county council level, you'd go,

"This guy is not great, is he?"

LAUGHTER

People don't seem that bothered about...

You know, some of the Tory MPs were going,

"That's Ireland's problem if they have to bring back the border".

I thought, historically, they're quite good at making it your problem.

LAUGHTER

-You worried, Kath?

-I wouldn't say worried.

I think there's a lot worse than Theresa May out there,

-and she is a garbage fire.

-LAUGHTER

But...

APPLAUSE

Is it true, Mona, that a lot of the people who voted Leave are dead?

No!

Oh, because of just ageing, because they were older?

-Yeah.

-No, I don't think a lot.

I think that's a little bit of an exaggeration.

I heard they're hanging on in there just to see it.

LAUGHTER

But the thing that is sort of amazing is that a year later,

like, their opinions have barely changed..

Like, even despite everything,

Leave voters are just as likely to say that they want to leave,

and Remain voters are, like, slightly more entrenched, but not much.

It's impossible to change an old person's mind about anything.

Isn't it worrying that all of our diplomats

-and all of our politicians are incredible old?

-Yeah.

I mean, old people are... I don't..

I mean, they are ruining this country.

LAUGHTER

The average age of the party leaders now is, like...

Vince Cable's the only pro-European one because he remembers

when we were still joined onto it.

LAUGHTER

And a lot of the stuff with Brexit, it gets talked about in the

abstract, but people talk about controlling immigration, or...

I mean, you can't have a racist immigration policy that,

you know, some people who voted for Brexit would want because,

like, the country functions on immigration.

Like, if you had what they wanted, the construction industry would be

one guy called Terry trying to fit 12,000 kitchens a week or something.

It's like the NHS. The NHS is completely run by, like...

Who are our nurses?

They're immigrants. What are we going to do without them?

I mean, it is racist. It's pointedly racist.

Because there are British people who will slag off immigrants to me.

I'm like, "I'm an immigrant, you dumb fuck."

APPLAUSE

Saying that she needed to strengthen her hand for Brexit

negotiations, in April, Theresa May called a general election.

Even though she promised earlier in the year that there

definitely wouldn't be one.

The election was initially predicted to result in a Tory landslide,

but in fact they ended up losing their parliamentary majority.

Theresa May thought she'd be wielding a 100-seat majority

like the One Ring. Instead, she merely persists,

like a sort of electoral skid mark.

You know, she doesn't have that big a majority.

There are people who say, "Well, look, we just won't vote with you."

The people around her have an enormous position of power.

And I imagine she can say in a Cabinet meeting,

"I think we should do this." And people go, "Do you, though?"

And she'll go, "I don't think that."

She's sort of just been held in position by senior Tories

as they manoeuvre. She's sort of like a body in an action movie.

You know, when they pick up a body and they shoot round it?

And she's just...

Sad, really, that Labour don't seem as committed to fighting

the Tory party as Theresa May's internal monologue.

In October, things got worse for her.

Who can forget the cringeworthy and unforgettable scenes

from her conference speech?

COUGHING

CLEARS THROAT

WEAKLY: We remember... COUGHS

And let me say one more thing...

COUGHS

An image of modern Britain, in all its diversity, compassion

and strength, that was shared around the globe.

APPLAUSE

-It must be the worst conference speech ever.

-Yeah.

I've never, ever seen any of them.

So that's the only bit of any conference speech I've ever seen,

and it was rubbish.

So I don't think I want to watch any more.

I think the letters made it.

Because there'll be a point where she came off and went, "Well, that was terrible, wasn't it?

And someone will have gone, "Especially when the letters fell off."

There's one where she coughs, she surprises herself,

like if you burp when you're asleep.

She's like, "Oh! Excuse me!"

-I will always slightly love her for that, I think.

-People did.

I think it garnered her a lot of sympathy.

We've all had a tickly cough. It's not the worst thing.

And I think it shows our humanity that can watch that and go, "Aw!"

But meanwhile, Tories would see it and go,

"It's coughing, it's sick, kill it. Cut its benefits off."

They are becoming increasingly divorced from the general public,

the Tories, I think. The average Cabinet Minister,

the only reason he keeps a photo of his kid in his wallet is so he

doesn't pick up the wrong one at the end of term.

Do you think they're becoming more divorced from the public, Miles?

You couldn't identify with a lot of politicians as people on the street.

I mean, even I look at politicians and think, "God, he seems posh."

So I think that sort of divide is there.

And I think people all feel that, enormously.

But I don't think the Tories are becoming more unpopular.

They're doing a terrible job

and lots of people's lives are getting actively worse,

but Labour aren't coming back with any kind of popularity.

This would be a perfect time to be in Opposition, because there are

so many points they're failing the people of this country.

And there isn't a proper opposition to it.

Every day, people should be bombarded with, "This is what's

"happening in the NHS, this is what's happening with housing."

Christmas, it was the highest number of homeless children ever.

Anyone in politics should be utterly ashamed of themselves

that that's happening. Everyone's as bad as each other.

But they're not as bad as each other.

And I think if we just dismiss everyone as, "Oh, it's all evil,"

that's when people don't show up to vote.

Yeah, you're right.

APPLAUSE

Anyway. 2017 was a breakthrough year for Jeremy Corbyn.

He defied expectations with Labour's performance at the election,

gaining 30 seats across the country.

Although Corbyn's attempts at celebrating with party members

were a bit less impressive. Embarrassingly for him, the media

managed to expertly capture his repeated high five fails.

His high five with Emily Thornbury went a touch too far, perhaps.

I think what Jeremy Corbyn's done is,

if you like, effectively won another election.

Because I know of two very prominent Labour MPs

who were planning to launch...

Thank you! Thank you, Jeremy!

APPLAUSE

He's been a socialist for, what, 60-odd years?

He's not had a lot to high five about.

"They've privatised our utilities!"

But it's not his fault,

he's surrounded by people who can't high five him. That's all it is.

He's doing it right, he's done what they did in rehearsal,

he's stuck the hand out.

I also heard that Emily Thornbury

is always putting her boob in men's hands.

Actually, you didn't see it, she created that whole situation

because she's like...

I think, legally, we're going to be on shaky ground there.

I think, on the left at the moment, you hear people talking about,

"We need narratives to engage people,

"we need to have the stories." And you're like,

you're just talking about different ways of tricking people.

Why don't you try and be honest with them?

You know, when Jeremy Corbyn talks about Brexit, it's really evasive,

he looks like he's holding the coats at an orgy or something.

Jeremy Corbyn is often criticised for his scruffy appearance,

so he was a surprising choice for the cover of GQ magazine.

Here's an image from the article where the photographer attempts to

reinvent Corbyn's look with a moody, black-and-white shot.

Sort of looks like he's waiting for his flu jab.

I've always kind of hated GQ.

It seems to me to be just a watch catalogue.

Do you know that thing, those guys who are like,

"I used to just be a prick,

"now I'm a prick in four different time zones."

"I've gone from being a prick to a highly-muggable prick."

There's a kind of glamour to it.

He has that sort of, you know, "Sometimes you've got to

"roll your sleeves up and get a little bit dirty."

You've sexualised that image.

Just if someone rolls their sleeves up, Frankie,

that is not necessarily an invitation to sex. You have to...

I can't believe I find us having this conversation again.

He's really, really gained in confidence, though,

and I think that's part of the thing that people distrust about leaders.

It's that growing ego and arrogance that comes with it.

He did this interview with Grazia, saying that

if the election was held next year, he was going to win.

I'm like, hasn't he learned from May?

You can't just assume these things ahead of time.

But you'd got to say that, haven't you?

You've got say yes, otherwise you're already doing your job wrong,

if you're going, "What, THIS election? Oh, no..."

I think you'd get a lot of respect if you said,

"There's no sure thing, we've got a lot of work to do to convince

"the electorate and the votes that we need to win."

I think people would really respect that.

And British people like underdogs, they hate triumphalism.

All this stuff Labour has at the minute of, "Let's unseat Boris,"

and all that. You're like, that's for your activists.

-The public hate that.

-So you can be more self deprecating?

You could say, "Are you going to win this election?"

"No. And, frankly, nor do we deserve to."

"We might not even run."

There's a theme throughout the general election of a growing

disconnect between the Conservative Party and the public.

They're almost going in opposite directions.

One of the new figures is Jacob Rees-Mogg,

a sort of living Monopoly logo.

A composite drawn from the nightmares

of 18th-century mill workers.

Here was a BBC documentary crew,

capturing his characteristically pompous reaction

to Article 50 being triggered.

Yes, an excellent day.

The process is now underway.

So, as you ripped the covers off this morning,

what was your first thought?

My first thought?

Salva, festa deis, toto venerabilis aevo.

Which I believe I can play for you, actually.

I've been listening to this.

Here we go.

LATIN CHANTING PLAYS

What is it?

"Hail, festal day, venerable through all ages."

It just seems to be an entirely appropriate theme for Brexit.

APPLAUSE

The thing is, if you are doing that as a parody video,

that's the music you would have dubbed over as a joke.

Even when he translates it into English,

-I still don't know what he means.

-No, have absolutely no idea.

I don't think he's a serious contender for Prime Minister,

but he contextualises very right-wing people.

I mean, now that he's kind of in the foreground,

Boris Johnson suddenly looks prime ministerial.

If Boris was clever, he would want this guy on television more.

-I think he's a stalking horse, And it's kind of...

-Exactly.

"..Your job is to make me look normal."

I think we sort of underestimate him, because subconsciously,

we all think, any minute now, he's about to be arrested by Poirot.

Moving on. In October, Hollywood and the entertainment industry

were rocked by multiple allegations of sexual harassment

against film producer Harvey Weinstein.

This led to a cascade of people coming forward with more accusations

against big stars like Kevin Spacey, Louis CK and Dustin Hoffman.

Time magazine named the victims who'd spoken out about sexual

misconduct, the Silence Breakers, as their people of the year.

And then ruined it by making Donald Trump runner-up,

like he was chasing them.

Were you surprise by the revelations, Katherine?

No, I mean, I was saying when the Bill Cosby stuff happened

that the reason he looked so confused going into the courtroom

is his whole attitude was,

"Well, no, all my friends were raping people,

"I don't really understand.

"Back then, it was just frowned upon, like smoking weed.

"But now you've transported me

"into this whole world where it's unacceptable."

It's like society's moving more quickly than these men are.

At the beginning of his apology speech...

-Are you talking about Weinstein here?

-Yeah, Weinstein.

It literally says, "It was different back then," that rules have changed.

As if someone else has moved the goalposts.

And again, he's accused of rape at the most serious

end of the assaults and things he's been accused of.

Literally saying to everyone else, "You've change the rules."

Which is different from saying,

"I've done something utterly wrong," or lots of things wrong.

And rape was always obviously wrong.

But it was all the other levels of pestering and assault

and abuse that were really not OK,

but they were a woman's responsibility to avoid, largely.

And that's why it looks such small potatoes to so many people.

They go, "Well, it was only that, it was only wanking at you.

"Who hasn't been wanked at?"

I also think the thing that's really scary is

the first allegation against Weinstein was 37 years ago.

The timeline it's taken for these things to pick up speed

is really depressing.

But even with Parliament, and again, it happens to a lot of women,

because part of victim blaming is you blame yourself,

there were so many women, older women to younger women,

who were complaining, saying to them,

"We've all had to put up with it, it makes you stronger, it makes you work harder."

Rather than going, "Absolutely, when you list it all together,

"we need to change the way behave as society."

And I think, more than a gender thing, it's a power thing.

People who abuse their position or people who feel very voiceless,

that they have no-one to complain to or no-one will believe them,

that's the thing that has to change.

That's why we also need equal pay and gender representation.

Our careers now are so different to where they were ten years ago,

the way we're treated is so entirely different,

because no-one would dare now.

-WHISPERS:

-Because we'd fuck them up.

-Fuck them up together!

-APPLAUSE

The thing is, I worry, will it change? This might all just go away.

Because the institutions don't seem to be changing.

One of the things it's frustrated me

is that it's just been high-profile, celebrity men.

And we know that most reports of sexual harassment and stuff,

they're in things like retail, accommodation -

so, like, hotel workers, those women are an in

incredibly vulnerable positions - and things like manufacturing.

But, in three out of four of those cases, the women

are threatened with retaliation if they keep on moving it forward.

Like, seven out of ten cases just never, ever go reported.

So we're only seeing the very, very tip of the iceberg here.

What I don't see in it though is,

where is the idea of justice in this?

So, these people haven't been charged with anything,

there's not real justice for the victims.

Basically, at the moment, we're allowing them to set the agenda,

where they go, "I'm going away for two weeks to a hotel."

That's not how crime works. You know?

"I'm going to try and not do any more armed robberies,

"I've got a week in at the Hilton,

"hopefully going to turn over a new leaf."

I think that, especially, with Harvey Weinstein,

I think it isn't a rehab thing, I think the crimes he's been

accused of are very, very serious. And Kevin Spacey as well.

We they on the same ranch?

Surround this fucking ranch.

Wait until Woody Allen pops round for game of ping-pong,

surround the thing like fucking Waco.

It's basically like a safe house. I mean...

It's a place for perverts to hang out together.

Following the revelations in Hollywood,

other public figures were also accused of sexual misconduct.

They included Michael Fallon, who resigned as Defence Secretary

after admitting inappropriate behaviour towards women.

On the same evening, Newsnight aired a shockingly unbalanced debate

on the subject, with a panel made up of three women and 14 men.

We're going to ask if everybody knows what sexual abuse looks like.

Once we thought we did, now it doesn't seem so clear.

The boundaries have shifted, haven't they?

And men are having to learn what they look like.

So are now men changing their behaviour,

and is it making all our work relationships really awkward?

We're going to go straight to our men,

and I'd like to ask you first to raise your hand if you think

you've changed your behaviour in recent weeks,

since some of these allegations came out?

Who would say they have changed their behaviour?

-Let me start with you, Terence, what have you noticed?

-Hi.

I've noticed you have to change your behaviour with women,

the way you touch them. The way you put your arm around them

or just the way you look at them, to be honest.

Years ago, you used to be able to laugh with women, joke with them,

muck around with them and everything.

And you don't laugh with women any more?

You do, but not as much.

When you used to laugh with women, years ago,

you used to put your arms around them, but you can't do that no more.

APPLAUSE

It's a good thing.

The thing is, if you were up on a rape charge,

that's the jury you'd want to see.

I'm not saying any of those guys were sex criminals,

but a few of them will have had their vans swabbed.

What he's saying...

What he's saying is a perfect example,

and I wonder if even he would watch that back and go,

"Oh, yeah, that's ridiculous, what I'm saying."?

No.

No chance.

I mean, they're all on bar stools, it's like a lock in at Wetherspoons.

I'm blown away by how many men are outraged that they should

have to mediate their behaviour so that the few women

in their office can feel safe. Safe!

It's just safe, we don't want to feel powerful,

we don't want to abuse you.

"What, and now I've got to stop hugging them?

"What, the way I look at women's got to change?"

The way you LOOK at women's got to change?

What sexual eyes are you giving them?

APPLAUSE

Now, in the world of entertainment, the 2017 Oscars featured

one of the most toe-curling screw-ups of the year,

when La La Land was incorrectly announced

as the winner of Best Picture.

As you can see from this confused live broadcast,

the normally slick ceremony descended into chaos.

Go on.

La La Land.

CHEERING

Tied for the most-nominated movie in Oscar history.

So, keep dreaming, because the dreams

we dream today will provide the love, the compassion,

and the humanity that will narrate the stories of our lives tomorrow.

Guys, guys, I'm sorry, no.

There's a mistake.

Moonlight, you guys won best picture.

-CONFUSED APPLAUSE

-Moonlight won.

Come up. This is not a joke.

This is not a joke, I'm afraid they read the wrong thing.

This is not a joke, Moonlight has won Best Picture.

Moonlight.

Best Picture.

APPLAUSE

I like that everyone thought

that would be the most embarrassing Oscars ever.

And this year it's going to be, like, "Best Alibi".

He said, "This is not a joke." Imagine it had been a joke?

What a sick joke!

I think there was something that actually, visually,

was so wonderful about the cast and the crew of Moonlight

coming on stage and replacing La La Land.

And it is lucky it was that way round.

-Mmm-hmm!

-Oh, my God, yeah.

If you think it can't be more awkward than that, yes, it could!

Yes, it's could.

It's sort of terrifying to think,

"At least those guys don't have the nuclear codes."

And then you think, "God, who DOES have the nuclear codes?"

They have their own room at Trump Towers.

The nuclear codes are in Trump Tower.

The football, they call it? Yeah.

I stayed across from Trump Tower for a wee bit.

And I'd forgotten just how blase Americans are about guns,

because he was president by then,

it's just surrounded by snipers and soldiers and stuff.

And this woman walked up to a group of, like, ten soldiers and went,

"Is there a Starbucks up there?"

The guy gestured with a sniper rifle.

"Yeah, it's up there."

So, as the year drew to a close, and everybody got ready for

Christmas, high-street baking chain Greggs released an advent calendar.

It featured this profoundly misguided image of three wise men

surrounding baby Jesus, who was replaced with a sausage roll.

See, I think they've gone too offensive there.

Because how they going to top that next year?

It's going to have to be a sausage roll flying into the second tower.

Like, Princess Diana's car being forced off the road by a steak bake.

Were you are offended by that? It's just a bit of fun, isn't it?

I thought it was the best thing I'd ever seen.

And if they can please me, a vegan,

looking at a picture of a sausage roll...

It looks like one of the wise men has brought him

a can of beer or something?

SLURRING: "Here you are, Jesus."

So, that was 2017.

How are you all feeling about 2018?

We learned a lesson with 2016, didn't we?

Because all the celebrities were dying, people were saying,

"Oh, no, go away, 2016."

And then we've had a bit of a rough go this year,

so I think, plan for the best, hope for the worst.

No, the other one.

Hope for the best, plan for the worst.

People anthropomorphised 2016, didn't they?

"2016, you're killing people!"

But they don't say 2017 is running around wanking at us.

And it is time that changed.

Well, that's the end of the show. Thanks to my guests,

Sara Pascoe, Katherine Ryan, Miles Jupp and Mona Chalabi!

APPLAUSE

But before I go, I'd like to leave you with this thought.

At some point next year, the world will end.

It's impossible to imagine what it's like

to be killed in a nuclear explosion.

I know we think of it as being an instant death, but there's

every chance that there'll be a few seconds where you'll be

sailing out of your local school catchment area, at a height

of about 100 feet or so, as some sort of screaming skeleton.

Maybe you'll get to see your family melt before the blast picks you up,

and your final memory will be of their faces devolving into Cubism.

Or maybe it's more like

being smashed to pieces by a wave of rubble.

After all those years of driving into town to go to work

or go shopping, your city centre will finally be coming to you...

..moving at several thousand miles an hour.

I think it's important to understand the people who, very soon now,

will be all that remains of humanity.

Survival bunkers will be strictly for our elites.

Done out like the inside of the Titanic, these heavily guarded

bases will be the centre of efforts to repopulate the planet.

That's why wealthy older men

have always been involved in beauty pageants -

they've been sourcing breeding stock.

While we're watching irradiated skin layers tumbleweed down the road

like somersaulting ghosts, they'll be inside a hollow mountain,

banging away on a mattress the size of the pitch at Wembley.

The likes of Sepp Blatter and Richard Branson,

their arthritic bones creaking like an armada,

as they repeatedly are raised and lowered on a harness,

onto a lobotomised beauty queen.

As we mere citizens turn our lidless eyes to a charred pamphlet

on how to fashion fallout-proof door seals from

wet newspaper, our overlords will be having a genetic contribution

the consistency of Dairylea milked from then with a double-handed

action, more commonly associated with wringing out a wet flannel.

Rupert Murdoch's wrinkled cum face,

like a balloon that you'd find in a dead pensioner's flat.

Excuse my venom, but I hate it when you're expecting

an invitation to something and it doesn't turn up.

Good night.

APPLAUSE