300 Years of French and Saunders French and Saunders

This programme contains some strong language and adult humour.

# Simply amazing, unique and new Every man's waking dream

# Dazzling, eccentric, recherche Suave, the poetry... #

I don't want to be in your bloody videos!

Welcome to the French & Saunders show and our wonderful world

of star-studded showbusiness and entertainment,

back on the air again due to overwhelming public demand.

-# French and Saunders

-Saunders

# Ba-badoo-ee-oo... #

-ALL:

-# French and Saunders

# Ba-badoo-ee-oo... #

# French and Saunders! #

HEAVY ROCK MUSIC PLAYS

Waaah!

KNOCK AT DOOR Who is it?

It's me - comedy partner.

Please can I come in? I'm absolutely exhausted.

WHISPERS: Damn!

I tell you, if I have to think about sex one more time,

I'm just going to faint.

KNOCK AT DOOR

Who is it?

It's me.

Who's me?

It's Dawn French, your comedy partner.

Why am I still having to tell you who I am?

Cos I don't know who you are.

It's been 300 cocking years!

Well, come in, then.

-Where are you?

-Here.

-Oh, there you are.

Praise be.

And I would say, "Blessed be the fruit," but I'm absolutely furious.

Can you please just say "wings"?

-Wings.

-Thank you.

Praise be.

Right, let me run this by you, OK? How long have you been in here?

-300 years.

-Right, so that's pre-Gilead days, isn't it?

-Yes.

-Right, you are not going to believe this.

-No, I'm not. I'm not, am I?

-No.

-I'm not.

Out there, I am the most fertile woman alive.

All right?

And I am 60, and I've got no tubes or eggs, so what's that all about?

I don't know.

-And let me just run this by you, see if you think it's all right.

-OK.

As the Handmaiden, right, I have to be penetrated through my pants

by my Commander whenever he feels like it

just so that I can spread his seed.

That's not right, is it?

Let me show you what they do, right?

Let me show you what they do.

You, right, are the barren wife.

Oh, thanks. Oh, thanks.

Now everyone knows. You've told everyone now.

Sorry to be so insensitive, but it's true, right?

And you're cross and haughty, aren't you?

You're sitting there. Just spread your legs, put them up there.

Don't get funny.

That ain't happening after 300 years, is it?

Dream on, babe.

They throw me down on the bed, right?

Hold my hands, like that. Hold my hands. And he's on top of me, right?

And he's penetrating me through my gusset

and he's going, "Uh! Uh! Uh! Uh!" Like this.

-Yeah.

-While you are watching.

Yes, cos I want a baby, don't I? I say, "May the Lord open," don't I?

Yes, listen, believe me, I want to give you a baby,

may the Lord open and deliver a new keeper, praise be,

but not as a human slave, if that's all right with you.

Well, why don't you just run away before I beat you to oblivion?

What, run out that door? Do you know what would happen?

I would be stoned to death if I went out there.

-Do you know what happens to me in this?

-No, can you not tell me?

Cos I'm going to watch the box set all at once.

Is Nicole Kidman in this one?

-Well, no, not YET.

-Oh...

This is the only television she currently ISN'T in, right?

But, look, I can't hang around here all day

because there's Eyes all over me.

-Eyes. Are you Eyes?

-No, no, no.

I'm not convinced.

I have to get on.

It's a very busy day because all I'm allowed to do

is look straight ahead and buy loads of oranges.

That's all I'm allowed to do.

-Please say "wings".

-Wings.

That's it.

Right.

Good morning, under His Eye.

Under His Eye, good morning.

You can close your legs now.

I think I can see my grandad in there!

Oh!

# And basically

# And basically

# And basically I'm a star. #

-We was all laughing at you in gym the other day.

-You weren't.

-We were. We was all laughing at you in gym the other day.

-Why?

Cos you had a great big poo stripe on your pants, that's why.

I never had a poo stripe on my pants!

-I didn't!

-Poo stripe, poo stripe!

-I never had a poo stripe on my pants!

-You did!

-I didn't. At least my mother can sew!

-Don't talk about my family.

-Your mother can't even sew properly.

Don't talk about my family!

Your family, your family, your family!

Ha!

Look at your legs!

If you tell the doctor you don't want to go on the Pill,

-you know what he'll do.

-What?

He'll insert a UFO inside you, won't he?

Do you know what one of those is, or not?

Not.

-Right. Other name - coil. Do you know what a Slinky looks like?

-Yes.

Well, it's like a huge Slinky and it's got barbed wire on it

and they squish it all up and stuff it up inside your bladder

and it hooks on and it stops babies.

The only drawback is, you can get out of control

going up and down stairs, that's all.

-You know Cookie Crew, right?

-I know Cookie Crew, all right?

It's a name a bit like that, right? They're called the Cookie Crew.

-Yeah.

-We could be called the Biscuit Rappers.

Do you get it?

Do you get it? Because, like, we're both rappers, aren't we,

and we're both...biscuits.

Not having second thoughts about the double wedding, are you?

Oh, no, I think it's a really romantic idea.

Now, what about, erm, we have to book a course of tanning sessions.

-Tanning, yes.

-Manicure.

-Mmm.

-Pedicure.

-Mm-hm.

-Bikini wax.

Oh, I've had that done already.

Oh, you'll be stubbly on the day.

Ohhh!

MEOWING So sweet!

Ohhhh!

This little kitten wonders where his mummy is.

They're gorgeous!

They're just so lovely and fluffy!

Fluffy!

Look at this one, Leanne.

-It's a kitten jumping into a paper bag.

-Aw...

-You know, that's reversible, Jackie.

-Oh, is it?

Oh, kitten jumping OUT of a paper bag!

-Ohhh, that's just darling...

-DOORBELL RINGS

-Amazon!

-Oh!

-More kitten toys?

-Yes.

-Ooh-ooh, exciting, exciting!

Oh, look, Jackie!

It's a Kitty Complex!

-Any kitten would love that.

-I would love that.

-Yes. That's gorgeous!

I would live in that.

Oh, look!

-Jackie?

-Yes?

Do you think you'd ever get a real kitten, Jackie?

No, Leanne, no.

But why, Jackie?

Because of the poo.

Oh, the poo! Oh, the poo!

Horrible!

It's horrible! It's horrible!

You feeling any better, then?

-CROAKY VOICE:

-Your mother sucks jelly babies in hell!

Oh, she does not.

I've been looking at this Home Doctor book here

and I think I might have put my finger on something.

Have you got a temperature?

SHE RASPS

Stick out your tongue.

Aaah...

-MUFFLED:

-Aaah...

That's nasty, isn't it? Well, I think we're looking at cystitis.

She, apparently,

is now having an affair

with a man that's doing it

-with a porcupine.

-No!

Not porcupine, sorry.

Concubine. That's what I'm trying to say.

Delicious.

I'm so glad you like it, Grandalf.

Oh, hang on.

What?

You should have this cup.

You should have this cup.

-No, but, you see, I'm the giant. I have this big cup.

-I know that.

That's why you should have this cup. I should have the big one.

-It makes me look smaller.

-No, cos if you...

-No, no.

Be like us and learn your trade on Crackerjack!

25 years, man and boy.

I'm a 45-year-old woman.

-BOTH:

-Fandabidozi!

Good morning.

-Good morning.

-Sit down, please.

What did the Krankies say to you?

They said, "Fandabidozi."

SHE SNIFFS

Mmm.

You wear Pretty Peach skin cream.

SHE SNIFFS

And sometimes Mum roll-on deodorant.

Timber!

Whee! Looka here! Mr and Mrs Lovey-Dovey.

Mr and Mrs Lovey-Dovey-Dovey-Dovey-Dovey-Dovey.

I reckon you're going to want to wrap your legs round him

in a cabin tonight, ain't ya, missy?

Mm-hm-hm!

And if you think I'm going to lay nearby trying to sleep

while you two wimble-wimble, pokey-pokey-friggy all night,

well, you've got another one of them thinkings coming, cos I just ain't.

GROWLING ROAR

-VOICEOVER:

-Troy.

Is there no-one else?

SHOUTS: Is there no-one else?

Arm!

-VOICEOVER:

-How much hate could one person have?

Don't push me.

It's my time of the month.

Help me on with my dress, Mummy.

I'm not your mummy, I'm Mammy.

Oh, my good God, Thelma.

What are we going to do?

I ain't going to give up now. I can't go back!

Keep going.

What do you mean?

Go! Straight to comedy heaven, Louise.

Immortalised for ever.

ENGINE STARTS

SHE GROANS

SHE GROWLS

I'm ruddy FUMING!

I've just seen it. I've just seen it now.

-I've just come from the pictures now.

-And? And what?

And I'm not in it.

I, the ACTUAL Wonder Woman,

am NOT in the film named after me.

-But why?

-They've used another person to play ME!

-I don't understand why.

Why have they?

I mean, back in the day, Lynda Carter at least called me up,

asked my advice. They INVOLVED me. These people - nothing.

Did they even ask you to audition?

Audition?!

I AM Wonder Woman!

I don't have to audition! All right, let's do the checklist.

All right, number one - am I the daughter of two gods?

-Yes.

-Yes, I am.

-Tick that box, because I am the daughter of Mars and Twix.

-Yes.

-Tick! Number two - do I have super-fast reactions?

-Yes.

Yes, I do. Throw those oranges at me now. Throw them at me.

Oh, careful! Careful!

I wasn't charged up yet. I wasn't ready.

You could have had my eye out then.

-Sorry, sorry.

-Right, number three - do I have super-fast running skills?

Yes.

Now, did you see that? I've just been to Land's End and back.

I could have done it faster if I had a better bra on, obviously.

Was it all right in Land's End?

I think they've ruined it, haven't they, Land's End.

-It's very touristy.

-Very touristy.

It used to be wild, and now it's just a kiosk and some rides.

Anyway, anyway, anyway, number four on the checklist -

-do I have superlative musculature?

-Obvs.

-Yes, I do.

-So, all boxes ticked.

-Yes.

-How dare they!

Are you even earning anything from the new film?

-Absolutely nothing, no, no.

-Not even getting something out the back end?

I'm very sorry about that. I have got a gippy tummy, sorry.

-I'm so sorry.

-No, I mean royalties.

-No, absolutely nada.

To be honest, I feel redundant.

Ooh! Ow!

How's Thor feeling about it all?

-Thor?

-Mm.

-He's in pieces.

-And not just because they've got an Australian to play him.

-Yes.

It's not that. He can deal with his own pain about that.

It's more that he feels very defensive about his brother Loki.

-Oh, played by Tom Hiddleston.

-Yes.

-Yes.

-Tom Hiddleston! I mean, did you ever meet the real Loki?

-No.

-He was an evil giant!

-Was he?

-Yeah.

Not an Old Etonian English string bean, frankly!

No! I've got to tell you, they are furious up there in Olympia.

Absolutely.

I wouldn't be surprised if another Armageddon is on its way

if any more of this thoughtless casting continues.

-And I'll tell you what really does upset me.

-Yes?

It's all the people out there on the street, you know,

because there was a woman out there

looking at me just now and she's looking at me

and she's thinking, "Oh, there's a woman dressed up like Wonder Woman."

And she doesn't know!

But surely what's worse is, there's actual adults with brains

-going to see these films.

-Yes! And BELIEVING them!

-Believing them.

-Believing that those are the real people.

-Yes.

-Do you know what it makes me feel like?

-What?

It makes me feel like I don't want

to attend any more disasters ever again.

-Oh, no!

-No, I'm throwing the towel in.

Oh, no! Don't be like that! Don't be like that!

Sort out your own catastrophes!

Go on, let's see if your expensive CGI and all your big props

and all your sound effects and everything,

see if they save lives and rescue our planet!

-You all right?

-I'm sorry I'm ranting, Jen.

It's just, this stuff matters.

-Yes, casting's important, casting's important.

-Yeah, it is, yeah.

-Who would you approve of to play you?

-Oh, that's quite a good idea.

Well, someone who looks like me for a start.

What about Catherine Zeta-Jones?

-Too old.

-Yes.

-Far too old.

Far too old, yeah.

Er... Oh, I know - Cara Delevingne.

-Yes.

-Oh, yes.

-She's good.

-She'd be good. Or Beyonce is the spit for me.

-Yes.

-Yeah, yeah.

Well, I understand your anger at the casting, but can you imagine

how Batman feels with all the people that have played him?

-Can you imagine how the actual Batman feels?

-Batman?

Yes, the actual Batman.

Batman's dead, Jennifer.

The actual Batman?

Batman wasn't immortal, was he? He's not a god, like me.

Don't you know that?

Oh, no. Oh, no, this is awful.

You didn't even know that, did you?

Sometimes you do say silly, stupid things and you end up

looking like a complete idiot, and this is one of those moments.

I have to say I'm dripping with humiliation

even standing near you, I have to say. Just cut me out of this.

I don't want to be associated with this. Keep it on her.

Point it to her. Look at the idiot. Look at the IDIOT!

Look at her. Look at her.

Now we're back in the cottage in Wiltshire

with Giles and Mary.

-You know what the problem with those two is, don't you, Nutty?

-Yes, Mary.

Is it their Kleinian need to misbehave,

thereby revisiting their childhood?

-Blood and sand!

-What's the matter?

-Blood and sand! I've cut my finger!

What, completely off?

No, it's just sort of dangling.

No, Nutty.

-Uh?

-It's too much...

-Chocolate?

-Coffee.

Coffee.

Yes.

VEHICLE APPROACHES

Got ya! Where's the other bloody bugger? I was going for a brace.

In the wheel arch, here with me. There you are.

-Wonderful! I'll get the tractor to you later.

-All right.

Did you find that funny, Mary?

You don't really have a sense of humour, do you, Nutty?

I do, Nutty. You know I do, Nutty.

You know what the problem with these two is, don't you, Nutty?

Yes, Nutty.

Coffee.

No, Nutty.

Skunk.

-TV:

-And now a Christmas message from Sue Lawley.

-BOTH:

-Sue Lawley?!

Well, let's hope that's the last we see of those two, Nutty.

Oh, you're not even there.

Yes, I am, Nutty.

But only just.

Now, some of you may remember that, some time ago,

we visited the lively duo who run Prickly Pear Farm,

and we've popped back there from time to time

to see how the enterprise is progressing.

Let's have a look back to remind ourselves.

Whatever animal's done this has got a tummy upset and worms.

I'd stake my trousers on it.

Yeah, that's Rex, that one.

It's Rex, isn't it, Dot?

-Yeah, we just seen him do it.

-Yeah, it's Rex, thank you.

SHE SNIFFS

I tell you what else we do just to make a few bob is dog looky-likeys.

Who do you think it is?

It's Posh Spice.

Looks exactly like her, doesn't it?

Our film crew went down to Prickly Pear Farm

to see how things are going now.

So, as you know, we're always looking for ways

to keep changing and trying to keep going and, at the moment,

we're diversi-fucking into having burials here, natural burials.

All dead, aren't they?

-Yeah, they're all dead before we bury them.

-All dead.

-Yeah.

Except the one that just... He sits up, doesn't he, that one.

He sits up, goes, "Good morning! Good morning!"

No, no, no, that was your father, wasn't it?

He was just having a nap and you rolled him up in a sheet,

didn't you, so we nearly did bury him after all!

But we didn't in the end cos he wasn't dead.

Yeah, so it's a registered natural burial ground.

-Yeah, not registered, is it?

-Ssh.

So, there's 60 million humans in this country

that's going to die in a minute, and what are we going to do with them?

And so we thought, "Well, let's return them to the worms

"and give them a nice natural burial

"and make it all environmentally friendly, so..."

Oh, careful! Careful!

Oh, you haven't buried that one in deep enough! I told you about that!

-Bury them deeper!

-Too tall, that one.

-Go, over there.

Obviously there's rules about it.

You're not allowed to bury 'em near water

because otherwise you get floaters, and nobody wants that.

This is our lovely memorial bench, we've got a lovely rose bush there,

and people comes here to mourn and grieve and sit here and cry

and regret everything, and they have a lovely time just...

You've...

You've put the bench on top of one of the graves here.

I've told you about that before!

Always measure your departed human.

Don't worry about that.

That's just natural gas escaping from the dear departed.

No naked flame now.

You see, there's loads of money in this.

See, just in that little plot over there, what is there,

ten graves there? That's 30 quid a head. What's that? Ten 30s...

220 quid! There's fields of gold!

SHE CACKLES

Measure it, measure it. One, two, three, four, five, six.

One, two, three, four, five, six.

And this is where we carefully store those what is waiting to be

what we like to call "deterred".

It's not deterred, is it? What's the word?

-Interred.

-Interred.

"In-TURD"?

Are you sure? That's dirty, isn't it?

You're having a laugh, ain't you?

Here she is.

-What are you doing?

-I can't get that ring off, I can't get...

No, no, leave it, leave it, leave it!

Just leave that!

-So, as you can see, we have three humans here waiting...

-Four.

-No, three.

-Four humans.

-One, two...

Well, that one was supposed to go two weeks ago.

No wonder there's such a whiff in here!

You should stop playing Furious Birds and do what I tell you!

KNOCK AT DOOR

Yes?

-Oh, sorry for your loss.

-Mr and Mrs Bentley.

Yeah? I don't...

-Edna Bentley.

-Right, have you got a receipt?

-No.

-Well, do you know where she is? Erm...

-Edna Bentley.

-Did he have bosoms?

-Yes, I think so.

-That's him there.

-No, ssh. Ssh!

-That's him there,

that's him there, that's him there.

Edna is deterred three mounds from the left up there, so off you go.

Blessings in abundance and internal damnation.

It doesn't matter if they're bereaving over the wrong one,

does it? They'll never know unless they dig her up.

They're not going to dig her up cos she's here.

Anyway, it's about the send-off, really, isn't it?

We like to give them some lovely words of comfort, don't we, like...

-Oh...

-Goodbye, Fred. You is...dead.

Yeah, that, or fear not death, 'tis only in another room.

Naked flame!

-Damn it! Extinguisher!

-Buggers!

-Quick!

-Stupid buggers!

-What have they done?

-Stupid bloody buggers!

Don't look at me with your father's eyes!

It is possible to be a socialist AND have staff, you know, darling!

-Have you seen the bastard recently? Hmm?

-Are you referring to Dad?

Oh, Dad! Dad!

Give him a little title to justify his puny existence, why don't you?

-Dad!

-Yes, I saw him yesterday.

Well, I don't know why you don't just live with the bloody prick

full time since you seem to bloody love him so bloody much!

No-one cares what I think! You never care for my feelings, darling.

Well, bugger, bugger, bollocks to all of you!

Hello, I'm Joanna Lumley.

Much as I've loved working with French and Saunders,

and funny as they are - and they ARE funny -

I've got a very busy life of my own now.

I've got auditions lined up, lots of auditions.

My next one is for London Underground.

"Mind the gap." "Stand clear of the closing doors."

So, could you please get me off their database?

And, Jennifer, stop stalking me!

Lose my number!

Bye!

# When you move in right up close to me

# That's when I get the shakes all over me... #

MUSIC: I'm Not In Love by 10CC

MUSIC: Shout by Lulu

POUNDING DANCE MUSIC PLAYS

From Bristol, it's best friends Mary and Marina.

POUNDING DANCE MUSIC PLAYS

-I'm happy, I'm happy. I'm coming out.

-Him there. You see him?

I want him out, cos that ugly beard

is just blending with that bush over there.

And by "bush",

of course, they're not talking about Dolly Background's privates.

Come on, let's bung this up.

Oh, God, you've got naughty hair, haven't you?

-Yeah.

-Ow!

-Oh, shut up!

Take the pain, bitch!

-Oh, we don't care who's a gay, do we?

-No.

-We don't care who's in, who's out.

-No.

-Who'll be back in five minutes.

Well, they don't say "gay" any more, do they?

They says, er, LG...BLT, or something, you know.

-Yeah, because it's L-Jelly Bean King.

-Is it?

-Isn't it?

-Yeah, cos they named the condition after her.

-Oh!

Right, cos she was the first lesbian discovered, weren't she?

And they say Q now, don't they?

They say Q - B&Q.

No, no, no! BGT, innit?

-No, that's Britain's Got Talent.

-Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

-All of my backing singers have been killed in a car crash!

-Oh, tragic!

You don't happen to know any of my songs at all, do you?

-Only all of them.

-Truly. We do, yeah. Try us.

-Right, right.

# The only one who could ever reach me

-# Uh-uh!

-Was the son of a preacher man

# The only one who could ever teach me

-# Uh-uh!

-Was the son of a preacher man

# Yes, he was

# He was

# Oh... #

Key change.

# ..Yes, he was. #

But we've got Clare Balding now. That's all that matters.

No, I love her. I love her.

Knows what she's talking about whatever the subject,

even if she don't, doesn't she?

Yeah, yeah.

-We don't care who's doing what to who any more, do we?

-No!

Nowadays, we're gender fluid.

-Well, speak for yourself.

-No, I'm dry.

I'm dry.

You're not always dry, are you?

I'm all right.

SHE GROANS

Is that an ear?

Yes, it is, yes.

Been working down the lab and they couldn't find a mouse big enough.

-Knock-knock!

-Come in!

Oh, goodness me!

-What's that?

-It's a baby. It's the Giant's baby.

You know the film's out and you know it's based on me, right?

-The Little Mermaid.

-No, Pocahontas!

So, plain card, right? And watch these magic fingers.

And there we go - doily!

I'm almost unbelievably beautiful, aren't I?

-Are you?

-Yes, I am, yes.

Flawless.

CALIFORNIAN ACCENT: Yeah, and I'm so excited.

Yah, he was excited and we loved the trip. We had such a good time.

I know!

-CALIFORNIAN ACCENT:

-Oh, my God, I'm so pretty!

Oh, my God! Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh, get away! Oh, my God, what is that?

Ow! Ow!

-Oh, it's just my big fat ass.

-Yeah.

I thought it was someone else. It was just my own ass.

You're so pretty!

Oh, my God!

You're so pretty!

-You look so pretty!

-You're so cute! You're so cute!

-Like, will you help me clean out my closet?

-No, I can't.

Oh, my God, cos I'm, like, so exhausted.

-I feel, like, so stressed.

-And I'm so excited.

-Completely stressed.

Oh, God, you look so pretty!

Oh, thank you! I love you! I love you!

I love you!

NORMAL ACCENT: Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait...

-NORMAL ACCENT:

-What? What, what?

You haven't blended. Look.

No, don't worry about that. Don't worry about that.

-CALIFORNIAN ACCENT:

-Like, ever since Paris,

I feel, like, so anxious all the time.

Yeah, I'm so excited.

NORMAL ACCENT: This is ridiculous! Can we just stop this, please?

-What are you doing? Stop it!

-Stop it!

-Yes, stop it because it's ridiculous.

-What, what?

What are you doing?

I just don't understand why we're doing this.

Because we're connecting with the kids. We're being relevant.

What kids? What kids?!

I'm looking at a sea of grey!

What, kids that happen to be watching it

by mistake at their granny's?

Those kids?

-This is ridiculous, Dawn!

-No, it isn't.

Look at you! Look at you!

You've missed the whole point of it.

Because I won't look like this when it goes out, will I?

-What do you mean?

-No, all of this will be much smallened here.

Everything here will be flattened, that will be biggened

and smoothened round, and all of this will be blended.

I'll be totally airbrushed.

Will I be airbrushed?

No, you're going to look crap, like that.

Oh, God, I hate you! I HATE YOU!

-CALIFORNIAN ACCENT:

-Just concentrate on this.

Let's break the internet.

# Oh, yeah, yeah

# Yeah. #

Ladies and gentlemen, it is my privilege to introduce Kiki Dee!

# Don't go breaking my heart

# I couldn't if I tried... #

# Throw the dice Let's spin the wheel to see

# If our love is now a casualty

# C'est la vie, c'est la vie

# C'est la, c'est la, c'est la vie

# Say good for you Say bad for me

# Quite bad for me

# C'est la vie, c'est la vie

# C'est la, c'est la, c'est la vie

# Say what will be will be will be

# Be-be-be-be-be-be-be... #

# Cross my heart and count to ten... #

Hello, I'm Caroline.

And I'm Sharon.

And I'm Andrea.

Jim!

# You shouldn't be

# Here I am

# Please try to think of me... #

# Way back when

# The world was brighter then

# And when the bride danced the night away... #

# I am a man, yes, I am

# With a big responsibility... #

Ssh, be quiet!

# Turn a feather head

# It's so normal

# Unless everybody hops

# Then it's crazy

# Play it with pants instead

# And that is DIPPY! #

# Yeahhhhh... #

# They say our love won't pay the rent

# Before it's earned Our money's all been spent

# I guess that's so We don't have a pot

# At least I'm sure of all the things we got... #

# Magic flies like a crystal vision...

# Within her heart like a bird in flight

# If I can be your daughter... #

# Come on, people, on the floor

# Get into the groove... #

They invited me onto one of their shows to sing a nice song,

then they shot me.

# We-e-e-e-e-ell...#

And then nothing - not another word.

I need to speak to you, George Warleggan.

I have nothing to say to you, Demelza.

Don't you walk out on me!

BOTH: Fa-fa-fa, fa-fa-fa...

-<

-Cut!

I'm sorry, what were you saying?

-Fa-fa-fa.

-We're fa-fa-ing.

-Yes.

-We're not angry rhubarb like them.

We're fa-fas. Fa-fa-fa-fa!

Can you just say nothing?

Going again.

Nothing?

I need to speak to you, George Warleggan.

I have nothing to say to you, Demelza.

Don't you walk out on me.

-MIMICS PARROT:

-Pretty Polly! Pretty Polly!

-Cut!

No, I didn't say a word. That was the parrot.

That was the parrot speaking. Silly parrot!

Can we lose the parrot?

-But this is my husband's parrot.

-Yes, she would have the parrot.

He's a seaman. He's away at sea. This is all I have of him.

Well, this and our poorly baby. This baby's got typhoid

so the parrot is a great comfort to me.

And I would have a parrot in these days, wouldn't I,

and these are the days just before The Onedin Line.

When does it become The Onedin Line? Is there a set date?

Reset. Five minutes.

-Is that our friend over there?

-Where?

-I don't want to point.

-Where?

Two o'clock, two o'clock. No, my two o'clock. Six o'clock, six o'clock.

There. There!

Oh, yes, that's him, that's him.

-BOTH:

-What's his name?

Helligan, is it?

Hello! No, no, no, no, no. I know, you hate this, don't you?

This is awful, isn't it?

-Charged up to you, haven't asked you any permission.

-We're not riffraff.

We're not the angry rhubarb-rhubard-rhubarb.

-We're actually fa-fas.

-We're not the great unwashed.

-No.

Do you want another picture?

-Of what, sorry?

-Me.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

I've already WhatsApp'd the 200 we did of you to my son in Dubai, yes.

-He was a bit disappointed.

-Oh, why?

-Cos he wanted Aidan, really.

-Yes, the actual Poldark.

-No, no, don't...

-You could help us.

-Yes, we could ask you this.

-You are an actual member of high society.

-A fa-fa.

A real fa-fa, and do you think it's right

that all the posh people have been given the lines in this?

Because we have been singled out to say absolutely nothing in this,

-haven't we?

-Yes.

-And yet we are the people with the huge body of work.

Yes, yes. Are you familiar with our work?

-Fa-fa-fa!

-Fa-fa!

Foo-fa!

-Cut! CUT! What the

-BLEEP

-is that?

-What the

-BLEEP

-is that, you

-BLEEP

-sons of bitches?

AIR WHOOSHES

Cut!

We brought them from home...

Roy, why did you book these two?!

I want a word with you in the Vic. Now.

-Kat, darling, I've got to work the stall.

-No, now!

Doof-doof, doof-doof-doof-doof...

THEY HUM THE EASTENDERS THEME

-Really quite an oeuvre.

-Oh, thank you, kind sir!

-He's hating this, isn't he?

-It's awful. Isn't it awful?

Can I ask you something, George Fourleggan? Are you staying nearby?

-No, don't ask him that.

-No?

-No, don't ask him that.

-He can't answer it. Can you?

-No.

No.

Right, we're just wondering

if you've done anything traditional or local at all

while you've been in Cornwall?

Have you been to Trago Mills?

It's very good there, yes.

Or Granny Wobbly's Fudge Pantry?

He's laughing at that. It's not funny. It's an actual place.

-Granny Wobbly's Fudge Pantry.

-Yes, yes.

-Isn't your son something to do with fudge?

-Yes, yes.

My son is a fudge-packer,

according to his friends in Dubai, isn't he?

I've never seen any evidence of the actual fudge.

He doesn't bring any of it home,

not even the stuff that no-one wants that comes out the back.

-That's my favourite stuff.

-Do you need anything?

Oh, here's Demelza!

Here she is. She's come to rescue him. You stay there.

She's come to pretend that he's needed in make-up when he isn't.

-He doesn't need make-up.

-No.

-You know who never needs make-up?

Aidan!

Yes, she's a little bit soft on Aidan, aren't you?

Tell Demelza about Aidan. Don't get jealous.

About when he had his shirt off, you know,

and he was in the fields with his shirt off.

-Probably best not to mention that.

-No, don't mention that.

It was a long time ago.

We've done quite a lot of really good work since then.

-Yes, of course. Yes, of course, we completely respect that.

-Yes.

-Oh, is that Aidan over there? Is that him there?

-It is.

Oh, I think it is! Oh, my goodness!

Aidan! Captain Poldark!

My friend here's got something she'd like to tell you.

-It's a lovely thing.

-When you were in the fields with your chest out.

Yes, when you were scything the ripe corn, and you were sweating a lot.

She only wants to tell you about...

-Aidan!

-Aidan!

-Aidan! Where's he going?

-Aidan!

-Aidan!

-Aidan!

-Aidan!

-Aidan!

-Aidan!

-Aidan!

-AIDAN!

-Aidan!

-AIDAN! What's his second name?

-Poldark. Poldark!

-Poldark!

-Poldark!

-Poldark!

-POLDAAARK!

-What is the matter with him?

-Just stop!

Stop!

Hang on, hang on, hang on, wait.

We have done four series.

That is hours of acting

and rehearsing, where we have to find within us

that empty void that is ready then to fill

with the character's feelings - pain, joy, ART,

to charge relationships with believable reality,

-to cry, to love, to hate.

-Absolutely. I've buried children.

I've worn a very, very tight corset.

I've got a very uncomfortable collar. Tell them about the mascara.

I have had to work for the past four series without mascara.

Do you any idea how brave that is?

And all you remember is that scene.

-Yes.

-Yes.

It's just because he has that little bit of skin on him down here.

This wouldn't be allowed if he was a woman.

You know, cos when a man pulls his trousers down low,

there's that man shape,

I don't know what it is, and there's that bit of skin there

and I like to imagine that, when he wakes up in the morning,

he smells of biscuits...

Stop it! Don't worry about her. She's no danger.

She won't act on anything. She's dead from the waist down.

Seriously, though, if you were a man letching over a woman

the way you letch over him,

I could have you reported and taken off this set.

Steady on! I'm being attacked by a feminist, or something!

-I give up.

-You give up?

-Oh, she's given up.

-That's rather useful.

Would you mind quickly taking a snap? Just a quick one.

-Just a quick one, George.

-One with us with Mr Helligan.

-There we go, that's it.

-Look at him!

APPLAUSE

Thank you.

So, there we have it. Can I just thank everyone at home for watching?

Thank you, the audience, for being here this evening

and can I just briefly...

-Do you mind?

-No, no, I'll lead you in.

Do you know something?

I want to say thank you to this set, which has given us

so many hours and hours of pleasure.

-APPLAUSE

-Lovely, lovely, lovely, lovely.

We've had so much fun in here.

We can't end the show without me saying one thing to you as well.

-What's that?

-Are you going to do the accent, Dawn?

-NORTHERN IRISH ACCENT:

-How are you?

-NORTHERN IRISH ACCENT: How are you?

NORMAL ACCENT: Yes, and also, I think, cos everyone here...

-Well, I'm a fan of yours, obviously.

-Oh, stop it!

Silly, silly. But I think there's probably a question

that most people really want to ask you

and I know I want to ask you this question.

-What are you doing? Stop it.

-Can I ask you a question?

Of course you can!

-Dawn French off the telly-o-vision...

-Yes?

How are you feeling about your weight? Ooh...

Eurgh!

Eurrrrgh!

Eurgh! Eurgh!

What are you doing?

Just checking!

Could you, erm, tidy up my growler while you're down there?

-SNIPPING

-Thank you very much.

Cheerio!

SCREAMING

Oh, come on! That would have finished you off, wouldn't it?

Nothing at all, not even a scratch. Did you miss, or something?

Cos all I've got is a grumbling headache.

That's done it.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

# Don't put your daughter on the stage, Mrs Worthington

# Don't put your daughter on the stage

# The profession is overcrowded and the struggle's pretty tough

# And admitting the fact she's learning to act

# That isn't quite enough

# She has nice hands to give the wretched girl her due

# But don't you think her bust is too developed for her age?

# I repeat, Mrs Worthington

# Sweet Mrs Worthington

# Don't put your daughter on the stage

# Regarding yours

# Dear Mrs Worthington

# Of Wednesday the 23rd

# Although your baby may be keen on a stage career

# How can I make it clear?

# This is not a good idea

# For her to hope

# Dear Mrs Worthington

# Is, on the face of it, absurd

# Her personality is not, in reality

# Exciting enough, inviting enough

# For this particular sphere

# Don't put your daughter on the stage, Mrs Worthington

# Don't put your daughter on the stage

# Though they said at the school of acting

# She was lovely as Peer Gynt

# I'm afraid On the whole, an ingenue role

# Would emphasise her squint

# She's a big girl

# And though her teeth are fairly good

# She's not the type I ever would be eager to engage

# No more buts, Mrs Worthington

# Nuts, Mr Worthington

# Don't put your daughter on the stage. #

What does that say?

-Fin, or something. Fin.

-Fin.

Oh, that's the end. The end!

Oh, hooray for that!