Episode 5 Horrible Histories with Stephen Fry

# Terrible Tudors, gorgeous Georgians Slimy Stuarts, vile Victorians

# Woeful wars, ferocious fights Dingy castles, daring knights

# Horrors that defy description Cut-throat Celts, awful Egyptians

# Vicious Vikings, cruel crimes Punishment from ancient times

# Romans, rotten, rank and ruthless Cavemen, savage, fierce and toothless

# Groovy Greeks, brainy sages Mean and measly Middle Ages

# Gory stories, we supply And your host, it's Stephen Fry

# The past is no longer a mystery Welcome to...

-# Horrible Histories.

-#

Hello and welcome to Horrible Histories, the show that mixes

the factual with the farcical, the hysterical with the historical

and then confounds your expectations of a third alliterative couplet.

You see, on this show, you really do never know what's coming next.

Wow! The Victory. Me serving under Lord Nelson on his own flagship.

I can't wait to meet Britain's greatest ever naval hero.

Well, he's coming now.

Look out, I'm going to be sick!

LORD NELSON VOMITS

Sorry about that. I suffer terribly from sea sickness.

Ned Harris, sir.

May I say what a pleasure it is to serve aboard the Victory.

Would you do me the honour of letting me shake you by the hand?

Don't worry, happens all the time.

Got hit in the arm by a bullet, had to have it sawed off.

Didn't see it coming. I had something in my eye -

a large piece of shrapnel. Can't see out of the blessed thing now.

-How did you lose your legs?

-What?

-Your legs seem to be cut off at the knee.

-No, he really is that short.

Oh, dear. Bit embarrassing. I'm a great admirer of all your work.

The Battle of the Nile. The Battle of Copenhagen.

LORD NELSON VOMITS

This is ridiculous.

He's supposed to be Britain's greatest ever naval hero

and he's half blind, one-armed and he gets seasick.

He may not be much to look at but he is a genius at sea battles

and popular with the men, even as a stickler for discipline.

Sailor, have you seen the state of your shoes?

I expect men on my ship to be decently turned out.

-But you...

-Get them cleaned up, man! They're a disgrace.

Honestly, you can't get the sailors nowadays. Excuse me!

LORD NELSON VOMITS

Nelson was, at the time, the most famous man in Britain

and his beautiful actress girlfriend, Emma Hamilton,

was the most famous woman. They were an enormously popular couple,

although not so popular with Nelson's wife or Emma's husband.

Georgian celebrity wasn't limited to heroes.

In fact, some criminals were just as popular.

Hello and welcome to the News At When.

When? 1724, when a third of London's population turned out to see

Britain's most famous criminal.

To find out more, let's go over live to Jessica Harvey Smythe,

who is soaking up the atmosphere.

Thanks, Sam.

As you can see, thousands of people have turned up to catch a glimpse

of their hero, Jack Shepherd, one of London's most glamorous criminals.

He's escaped from prison not once, not twice but four times.

-These people clearly love him for it.

-Jack Shepherd is well lush.

Yeah, he's like such a rebel and he's so daring.

-So, how long have you been a fan?

-Since his first escape.

He was held in St Giles's Roundhouse and he broke out through the roof.

He lowered himself to the ground using bed sheets. It was wicked.

Yeah, and I really liked it when he escaped from Newgate Prison,

-dressed in ladies' clothes.

-That was so awesome.

-There he is!

Let's try to get an interview with the man himself. Jack!

HHTV News. Could we have a few words?

Course you can. Nice to meet you.

Oh! 300,000 Georgians have turned up to catch a glimpse of you, Jack.

That's one quarter of London's population.

Are you nervous?

A few butterflies. It's not every day you're executed.

When you say "executed", I'm sure you're planning to make

one of your trademark daring escapes.

Oh, you know me so well. I do have a trick up my sleeve, actually.

-It's a pen knife. I'm going to use it...

-I'll have that.

-This way, sonny.

-I'll think of something.

Jack Shepherd there. Can't wait to see how he gets out of this one.

And the crowd are going to go absolutely wild.

Jack is getting up on the scaffold now

and he's putting his head in the noose.

I'm sure he's about to make his move any time now.

And the hangman is about to open the trap door.

He should be escaping any second...

LOUD THUD

Still, always nice to see a good public execution.

Great day out for all the family.

Emperor Nero was famous for persecuting Christians.

He had some covered in animal skin and thrown to wild dogs.

Others covered in tar and set alight. Nothing if not imaginative.

He wasn't much more pleasant to his loved ones.

I now pronounce you emperor and wife. Emperor Nero, you may kiss the bride.

You lucky, lucky thing.

'He was the man who had everything.

-'Land.'

-Love you.

-'Power.'

-Hail me.

'Grapes. A lot of grapes.

'And the woman of his dreams.'

-I love you, darling.

-I don't blame you.

'Then, one day, possibly whilst shopping for grapes...'

I'm not paying for these. My empire, my rules.

'..Nero met the woman of his dreams. Yes, another one.'

Who is that?

-Will you go out with me?

-Won't your wife mind?

-I shouldn't think so.

-Do you mind?

-Yes, I mind!

You can never second guess these things.

'But Nero was prepared to do anything to be with the woman he loved.

'No, no, the other one. Yeah, yeah, that one, there.'

I need a sign - something to show that you love me now, not her.

Right, well, something more than grapes,

because I've got loads of grapes?

-Yes, something more than grapes!

-Right.

'This summer, one emperor will prove that love is a gift.'

Darling, it's just what I wanted.

Your wife's severed head in a basket.

'Coming soon, the film that puts the Roman in "romantic comedy".'

You wouldn't cut off my head and put it in a basket, would you?

Baby, of course not.

-I'm going to have you kicked to death.

-What?

-Ssh, nothing.

'Love You To Death, based on a true story, rated unreasonable.'

Emperor Nero really did have his wife's head cut off

and delivered to his new girlfriend.

Thus, proving that it's always wiser to give your boyfriend

specific instructions when it comes to presents rather than saying,

"Oh, I don't mind, go on, surprise me."

Nero showered his favourite gladiator Spiculus with gifts, too -

rather more pleasant ones.

'In this week's Ave! magazine, an exclusive interview

'with the most famous sportsman in Rome, Spiculus the gladiator.'

My name's Tiberius Claudius Spiculus. You can call me Spics.

I used to be a slave.

But then I fought so well in the arena, I won my freedom.

The Emperor Nero likes me so much, he's given me my very own palace.

'Read how Nero made his favourite gladiator

'head of his personal protection force.'

Only problem is I'm now so famous I can't go anywhere

without being stopped for pictures.

Over here, Spiculus! Nice.

'And the pictures the celebrity gladiators didn't want you to see.

'Have you never heard of a Roman bath?

'Plus, our soothsayer predicts the future by reading chicken entrails.'

I can safely say it's going to be a bad week for this chicken.

'Yes, all the goss, all the pics, all the Roman rumours,

'only in this week's Ave! magazine.'

I can safely predict you're going to buy it.

'Only 99 denari.'

During the War,

despite the fact that the Germans never invaded Britain,

lots of Home Guard volunteers were injured.

And all the injuries you're about to see are genuine and taken from

the Durham Home Guard accident book. No, really, really, they are.

Attention! Durham Home Guard prepare for roll call.

-Volunteer Birtwhistle.

-Present, sir.

-Excellent. Volunteer Davidson?

-No Davidson?

-He's in hospital, sir, he's got injured.

-He got shot in the arm, sir.

-By the enemy?

-No, by another volunteer.

-Right. Volunteer Fraser?

-Injured, shot in the leg, sir.

-By another volunteer?

-No, sir, by himself. His gun went off by mistake.

-Jenkins?

-Got knocked off a bike by a dog.

-Simpson?

Injured himself in gym practice, sir. Tripped over a mat, smashed his face.

-Skellan?

-Fractured ankle, sir.

-At the same gym practice?

No, sir, no. A table collapsed on him.

How is the Home Guard supposed to defend Britain from an attack

from Germany, if we're all injured? It's extraordinary.

Sorry I'm late.

Volunteer Tomkins reporting for duty, sir.

Good heavens, Tomkins, what have you done to yourself?

I sliced the top of my finger off

when I was adjusting the chin strap on my helmet, sir, so...

Well, it's a good job that today I shall be giving you all

a demonstration on first aid.

BOTH: Yes!

-I need a volunteer. Birtwhistle.

-Yes, sir.

Lie on the floor, there's a good chap.

Ouch!

Good heavens, man, what have you done?

It's nothing to worry about, sir, it's just a massive splinter.

I'll come and help you.

Now let's have a look at that. Agghh! Oh, no!

I think I've severed a tendon in my back. It's gone.

-Don't just stand there, Tomkins, phone an ambulance!

-Right away, sir.

-I think it's gone through to the bone, sir.

-Don't panic. Here we go.

Ow! Oh, me finger!

-I think I need some kind of doctor!

-Lend us a hand, sir!

Tomkins...arrgghh.

-Agghh, now my foot's stuck!

-My back's gone!

THEY ALL MOAN

Women were not allowed to join the Home Guard

but many formed their own defence groups anyway.

One of the first was the London-based Amazon Defence Force,

which featured Marjorie Foster - a prize-winning shot with a rifle.

In fact, women all over Britain got behind the war effort.

# We're girlies from the '30s Wash the dishes, scrub the floor

# When all of a sudden Our hubbies went to war

-# Did you think we'd shrink in England's needy hour?

-You what?

-# Course not

-Cos we've got girl power

# Our men are fighting World War Two But we're not gonna boo-hoo-hoo

# It's our World War Two too, girls Plenty we can do, girls

# We're the World War Two girls Our war begins right here

# I make weapons in the factory Drill and bolt and screw

# With rules so strict they even time you when you're on the loo

# Making bombs and bullets Means I'm always mucky

# I've put my name down for a bath I'll get one if I'm lucky

# There is no job that we can't do It wasn't long till our roles grew

# Your country needs you, girls Army, navy too, girls

# We're the World War Two girls This is our career

# I'm a plane fixing Plain speaking

# Photo taking, code breaking Air Force miss

# Radar manning, lorry driving Weather guessing, foreign spying

# I do all this

# I took the role of land girl While our men fight far away

# Farming on the home front Helping save the day

# Tending crops and animals Manual labour hurts

# In the field my uniform's This scratchy tie and shirt

# When World War II is over, though We'll be proud cos we will know

# Thanks to us it's true, girls Came to the rescue, girls

# We're the World War Two girls Original girl power. #

We didn't write things down in Incan Peru.

Messages were sent around the Empire using a relay team of runners

called the Chasqui. It was a real test of fitness and memory.

You asked for me, chief?

-Are you from the Chasqui Messenger Services?

-Yes, chief.

I want you to relay the following message to the high chief

at Nazca, 50 miles to the west.

Yes, chief, what's the message?

Message is, "Invaders are nearing the coast.

"Defences must be reinforced."

"Send 50 men with spears under cover of night and please hurry."

Now, go.

Chasqui Messenger Service.

Message is, "Invaders are nearing the coast.

"Defences must be reinforced.

"Send 50 spears under cover of night, please hurry."

Sweet.

Invaders are hearing the most. Erm, defence is dusty. Feel the force.

Send 50 spears under the cover of...rice. Please hurry.

The invaders are hearing a ghost. This fence is rusty. Peel the horse.

Send 50 spears under cover of rice and peas.

-What news?

-The invaders in earrings are ghosts.

Their fence was rusted by a peeing horse.

Send Britney Spears covered in pea and rice curry.

You heard the man.

Though, in fact, the network was actually astoundingly efficient.

Each messenger only ran about one mile.

So, a message could travel 150 miles in a single day and fresh fish

could be delivered from the sea to Cuzco, high in the Andes.

So, kind of like a supermarket home delivery service, only reliable.

You might wonder why the Incas didn't use horses.

Well, it's because they hadn't even seen horses

until the Spanish conquistadors arrived.

Hola. Welcome to Very Rough Guide.

It's 1526 and I am Spanish explorer Francisco Pizzaro.

-This is my right-hand man, Pedro.

-Hola.

Today's programme is all about visiting Peru.

And stealing all of their gold.

Pedro, please. Don't talk about stealing the gold, OK?

Sorry about that. OK. The journey here was very simple.

All we had to do was sail 5,000 miles from Spain to Panama.

Travel over land through the dense jungle,

then build a whole new boat and sail down the coast to Peru.

-It only took us two and half years.

-Easy peasy, squeeze the lemon.

And now we are going to meet some local Incas, see how they live

and find out about their magnificent culture.

-And steal all their gold.

-Pedro, don't mention the stealing of gold.

'When we met them, the local Incas couldn't have been more welcoming.'

-Children of the Sun!

-Oh, yeah!

-Hello.

-Welcome.

'They thought we were sun gods because the sun

'reflected off our steel armour.'

Why not take us sun gods to see all your lovely gold, so we can steal it?

Pedro, I told you, don't mention the gold. What is wrong with you?

Do you want to pop in? Follow us.

'The Incans have some very unusual attitudes to wealth.'

-I'm an Incan chief. I'm very rich.

-Wonderful. How very rich, exactly?

Very rich. I have many wives, many children, many grandchildren.

-What about gold?

-Pedro, please.

Yes, we've got lots of gold

but I don't see what that's got to do with being rich.

Oh, nothing at all. Don't worry about it. It's not a problem.

No, I don't...

It's brilliant.

In Peru, there is so much gold the Incas don't really value it.

For them, your family, your followers are your real riches.

-Gold is worthless. OK, we're going to go now. So, bye.

-Bye-bye.

-Nice to meet you.

-Bye.

-Ta-ta.

-OK. Walk, don't run.

-They seemed very nice.

-'I really recommend the visit to Peru.

'My first trip has only cost me 100,000 pesos.'

But next time I will bring extra troops

and I will make millions from stealing all their gold.

-Ssh!

-Don't you push me.

-But you said....

-What? It's OK now.

Do you see Incas around? No. What is wrong with you all the time?

Don't push me.

'Have you had an accident that wasn't your fault?'

MAN SCREAMS

'Trip or fall at work?

'Suffered a personal injury or sickness?

'Then you could have been cursed by a witch.

'So, get in touch with us at Witchfinders Direct.

We'll find some innocent woman, say she's a witch

and have her burnt to death.

'Farmer Pocket of Crawley lost all his cabbages

'when they were eaten by slugs.

'He lost, literally, several shillings. He called in Witchfinders.

'And we decided the slugs had been sent by the strange, old woman

'who lived in the village.

-'Yes, her!'

-It wasn't me.

-'Yes, it was!

'She's old and warty and looks a bit evil, don't you think?

'So, we had her dragged away and given a fair trial.'

-Do you have a cat?

-Yes.

Then, thou art a witch!

'She was put to death and her cat sent to prison.

So if you have anything go wrong in your life, call Witchfinders Direct.

We'll find some innocent old woman and blame her for it.

'Witchfinders. Because old ladies deserve it.'

The infamous Stuart Witchfinder General was Matthew Hopkins.

He created the post for himself

and rose to prominence in a brief window of 1645 to 1647.

Paid per witch prosecuted, Hopkins notched up at least 250 prosecutions

and 100 hangings, after his brutal interrogation techniques

led to many confessions of meeting and making a pact with the devil.

Someone with whom Hopkins has now surely spent rather a lot of time.

In 1520, King Henry VIII of England met Francis I of France

in a celebration of peace between the two countries.

What could possibly go wrong?

'Welcome to...

'We are ringside at...

'..live from France in 1520AD.

'Two of the greatest Tudor monarchs go head to head,

'King versus King in a really royal rumble.

'So let's meet the wrestlers, King Francis I of France, king of bling.

'He may not be big but he's fast and he sure is pretty.'

-FRENCH ACCENT:

-Pardon, is there going to be a fight?

It was my understanding that we were all here to celebrate the peace

between our two great nations with the music, art, dancing.

'And fighting!'

OK, normally I have soldiers to do that sort of thing for me, so...

'Well, not today because you're going one on one with Henry VIII,

'reigning King of England.

'He's 6'2", a little over 120 kilos and not all of it muscle.'

Oi! I heard that.

'If you think Henry's stats are impressive,

'just check out his tent for the event.

'It's as big as a palace, 100 metres long, 100 metres wide.

'It's got its own chapel, 35 priests and two fountains flowing with wine.'

I've been fighting all my life but this is the big one.

I am going to take you down. I am going to tear you apart.

-I'm going to rip your legs off.

-Is this really necessary?

Aren't we meant to be celebrating the long historic friendship

between our two peoples?

What better way to celebrate the peace than with a fight?

'Well, the tension here is almost unbearable. And here we go

'for the biggest, longest, most gruelling wrestling match in history.

'It's all over.'

Hello, who's for some art, music and dancing?

Best of three.

Yes, Francis I and Henry VIII really did a have a wrestling match

and the French King won by tripping Henry, who said it was cheating.

And Henry hated not getting his own way.

So you can imagine how well it went down a decade later,

when he asked the Pope for permission to get a divorce

and was turned down.

At the time, the Pope had been placed under house arrest

by the king of Spain,

so Henry had to send a special envoy to pose the question.

These days, he might just have Skyped him.

KING HENRY HUMS TO HIMSELF

Yes, I'm still a handsome devil. What's this?

Could it be that my dear wife, Catherine has given birth?

Oh, she has. Please be a boy. Please be a boy, please be a boy.

Oh, no! Oh, no. Why has God forsaken me with only lady babies?

I must have a male heir.

A queen on the English throne would be disastrous.

Girls are too silly to rule countries. It's all my wife's fault.

I'm going to divorce her.

No, worse, I'm going to drop her from my top eight on Yebo

and then I'm going to divorce her.

Yes, see how she likes that. There we go. Take that. Oh, no.

That's put the king of France in my top eight. He's an idiot. Right.

I'll have to completely rearrange my friends list now.

RINGING TONE

The Pope. What does he want?

Ah, Your Holiness, hello to you.

I thought you were languishing in a rat-infested Spanish dungeon.

I am. But it has excellent wi-fi coverage.

Henry, is it true, you dropped the Queen from your top eight of Yebo?

Yes, it's true. She bore me the wrong kind of baby.

I specifically asked for a boy.

So I'd like to divorce her, if that's OK with you.

What? No! No!

-Absolutely not!

-Well, it's too late.

-I'm looking on Tudorbrides.com, as we speak.

-But Henry, listen to me.

Here's one.

Well, I must marry her right away.

Henry, the Catholic Church unremittingly refuses

your request for a divorce.

Oh, really?

I'll set up my own church if you're going to be like that.

You can't set up your own church.

You need scriptures and a dogma.

That is sooo 1529.

You can do it all online now. There we go.

Church of Henry?

Yes. Oh, it's gone.

Henry, I implore you. Please, think of the implications,

the damage it will cause, Henry.

-Church of England? Yeah, that will do.

-Henry, please listen to me.

-I'm the Pope. Henry? Henry!

-Sorry, Your Holiness. I've got to go.

E-mail just popped in. It might be from Anne Boleyn. See you later.

Oh, what does this idiot want? King of France indeed.

Oh, he's sent me a virus. Very clever.

Well done, yeah. Idiot.

If you know anything about the Egyptian hieroglyphic writing system,

you'll know it's hideously complicated and hard to explain.

So, we thought we'd try and sum it up in a couple of minutes

through the medium of song.

# Settle down, class, now you've passed

# Your grade one pyramid selling

# Yeah, the time has come For me to drum

# Some facts into you about spelling

# Oh, it seems to me your ABC

# Skills are less than terrific

# So, buck up, boys

# As we master the joys Of the lovely hieroglyphic

# Everyone needs their ABC

# It's as simple as vulture, foot, basket

# You know how to sing do-re-mi

# Easy to spell It's hand, eye thingy, owl

# ABC

Vulture, foot, basket

# Do-re-mi

Hand, eye thingy, owl

# You'll pass with ease and find it's a breeze

# The rules are scientific

# Don't have to be smart

# All you do is start With simple phonetic glyphics

# Next you get two letters to set

# More things called logographic

# Finally, third, the form of a word Determinatives... #

Horrific!

# Everyone needs their flamingo, house, sun

# It's simple But sun can mean duck, everyone

# You all know how To write your name

# Except for me Tutanephututakhamen

# Flamingo, house, sun

Means duck to some

# Tutanephututakhamen

Let's leave that one

# If you find it hard don't be afraid

# To go and ask your mummy for aid

# Now it's time for a spelling bee

# That's not how you spell "bee" See me! #

Foot, reed, reed. Easy!

# Cat, pig, dog,

# Rat, duck, frog

# Make your spelling magnific

# You can go up and down

# Left and right and around

# No punctuation in hieroglyphic

# A, B, C, D, E, F, G

# Just 700 characters or so

# Now that's done Let's have some fun

# With numbers, here we go!

# Everyone needs their one, two, three

# It's as simple as eye, eye, eye, eye, eye

# You can all count to 99

# Easy to write

# It's hoop, hoop, hoop, hoop, hoop, hoop, hoop, hoop

# Eye, eye,

# eye, eye, eye, eye, eye, eye

# One, two, three

Eye, eye, eye

# 99... #

Hoop, hoop, hoop, hoop, hoop Eye, eye, eye, eye, eye.

Basket?

Well, that's all for this trek

through the terrible truths of time past.

The final words go to American Civil War general John Sedgwick,

who, at the battle of Spotsylvania, was killed by sniper fire

moments after uttering the immortal line,

"They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist..."

With that, goodbye.

# Tall tales, atrocious acts We gave you all the fearsome facts

# The ugly truth, no glam or glitz We showed you all the juicy bits

# Gory, ghastly, cruel and mean

# Bursting out your TV screen

# The past is no longer a mystery

# Hope you enjoyed Horrible Histories. #