Episode 1 Insert Name Here

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello and welcome to Insert Name Here, where we find out

everything you never needed to know about a group of people

with just one thing in common - they've all got the same name.

Joining me are six of my favourite people,

each bearing their own unique moniker.

Please welcome Kate Williams, Stephen Mangan

and team captain Josh Widdecombe.

And on the other side, Roisin Conaty, Rob Beckett

and their captain, Richard Osman.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Wonderful collection of names on the panel tonight,

couldn't be happier, but Kate,

I just want to ask you about your daughter's name.

Your daughter has, well, a commonplace name, hasn't she?

Yes, well, I'm called one of the most popular names in the country,

-Katherine, so...

-Bragging.

-Yes.

So I thought I'd call her something similar.

So I thought I'd call her Persephone.

-Sorry?

-Persephone.

As she was born, she was just there, beautiful and innocent,

did you say, "I want to destroy you."?

There were 38 other children called Persephone in 2011,

so I've got to hunt them down.

-And kill them?

-And kill them?

I have a very specific set of skills.

The reason... People like you are killing off the name Gary.

-No Garys are being born.

-That's true.

They're dying out because of Persephones.

-Persephone is a girl, isn't she?

-Yes.

You weren't toying with Gary, that would have been even worse.

I think Garys will take what they can get at this point.

Josh, you have the shortest name. Are you hoping for a Joshua?

Don't need to be mean about it.

Rob's shorter than Josh, that's one shorter.

Maths isn't my work strong point.

-And what about Sue?

-Yeah.

What I'd like to do is stamp my authority

really early on in the proceedings.

So everyone knows I'm a safe pair of hands.

I think the question you meant to ask was,

Josh, you've got the joint third shortest name on the panel today.

Richard, what do you have for us name-wise tonight?

I made a list of my ten favourite celebrities ever.

Chuckle Bros number one and two, of course.

But there's only one name that was on my top ten celebrities twice,

which was Kim.

In eighth place, there was Kim Il-Sung of North Korea.

-Big fan of. And number three, Kim Kardashian.

-I know.

I am a very, very big fan of whatever it is that she does.

Well, I'm really sorry, we're not going to be discussing Kim Kardashian

and her massive arse, or Kanye West, as he is better known.

Tonight's name is the name of Britain's best-ever explorer,

it's the name of my favourite member of the Saturdays

and it's a shorthand for a processed meat sausage.

Yes, tonight's name is Frank.

Our guests are going to be talking about people called Frank

and that includes Francis, Frankie and Fanny

Does anybody know any Franks? Do you know any Franks, Roisin?

Yes, I do, actually. The first boy I ever kissed was called Frank.

And I can't remember his second name.

-Was it Sinatra?

-Yeah, that was it.

-You'd have remembered, wouldn't you?

I'd have remembered it because he'd have been so old,

I'd have avoided it.

Yeah, I kissed a boy called Frank in Ireland.

Hello, Frank - I can't remember your surname,

but we had a nice time in the woods.

-I was nine.

-You were nine and you were in the woods?

We decided to go to the woods, we lived near woods.

-Is the woods weird?

-Yes.

-Yes.

Although dating in the woods

is where the name Tinder came from, I believe.

-Do you know any Franks, Steve?

-My youngest son is called Frank.

How about that? And he is quite frank.

What do you mean - like, honest?

I said to him yesterday morning, "Brush your teeth." And he went,

"OK. But I am the future and one day you will be the loser."

With that in mind, let's get on with the show. Time to pick a Frank.

Our panellists choose a category and behind each category

lurks a famous Frank which the teams must try and win.

At the end of the show, the team with the most Franks get the privilege

of naming the greatest Frank of all time.

Josh, who would you like in this lot?

I quite like the idea of a secret Frank.

-Oh, my goodness.

-Anne Frank?

Let's start a comedy show about Franks with Anne Frank.

You can't talk about Franks and go "Secret Frank"

and not the most secret Frank of them all.

All right, you've chosen Secret Frank.

This is Frances Ethel Gumm,

also known as musical star of stage and screen, Judy Garland.

Let's have a look at Judy's stats.

By which we mean dead. Has anyone here not seen Wizard Of Oz?

Josh!

Of course I haven't seen The Wizard Of Oz.

Do yourselves a favour and watch it. It's really good.

It's based on a true story.

Are we not pushing our luck a bit with Judy Garland as a Frank?

It's a bit worrying for the longevity of this show

that the first person we've chosen doesn't even have the right name.

So she's known for playing Dorothy, her stage name is Judy,

but she was born Frances Gumm.

I tell you what, if you were born Frances Gumm,

you'd think at least it would stick.

-What did studio chief Louis B Mayer call Judy?

-"The little hunchback".

Kate, let me have a word with you about a comedy panel show.

Sorry, sorry, sorry.

Sorry. I don't know.

I know you come from the world of history, which is about facts.

What we like to do in our world is play a little bit.

-Oh, no!

-No, I want to win, keep going.

Anyone apart from Kate know

what she was lovingly referred to by the studio chief?

-The little hunchback.

-The little hunchback.

How did the movie studio help Judy cope with working long hours

-at the age of 16?

-Just whisper it to me.

-I don't know.

Did they give her a pair of shoes that let her go home so she didn't have to commute?

They give her some drugs.

-Cocaine.

-They did, they gave her drugs.

That's how we roll on Bake Off.

You think that's flour under Mary's nose?

Judy said, "They'd give us pills to keep us on our feet

"long after we were exhausted, then they'd take us to the studio hospital

"and knock us out with sleeping pills.

"Then after four hours, they'd wake us up and give us pep pills again

"so we could work 72 hours in a row."

I'm not a parent - is that good for kids or not?

It's fine, they love it.

It's slightly better than calling them Persephone.

Of course, Judy will always be best known for The Wizard Of Oz.

According to the Library of Congress,

it's the most watched film of all time.

A surprisingly dangerous film set to be on, though,

so let's play Lethal Movie Fun.

First up, why was it dangerous for the Tin Man?

Silver paint, did it asphyxiate him? Was it toxic? Did he get spots?

Was it because every Wednesday was recycling day?

Did they get his costume off every night with a massive can opener?

You were right the first time, actually,

when you were talking about his paint.

-Oh!

-It was made of lethal aluminium powder.

I mean, if that's the name of it, don't use it.

It was so bad, the first actor cast in the role -

and that's a clue to how dangerous it was -

Buddy Ebsen, suffered such an extreme reaction to the aluminium dust

he was hospitalised and replaced.

So it turned out it wasn't a heart he needed, it was an ambulance.

Jack Haley took over the role

and the make-up artist just switched to an aluminium paste.

Incidentally, he wasn't told what happened to Ebsen,

-who used a respirator for the rest of his life.

-No way!

But he did get the Darth Vader role, so...

-How did the scarecrow suffer?

-He smoked.

-Is that toxic brown paint on his nose?

-He's got paint on him.

-Was the allergic to hessian?

-Glue.

-That is absolutely right.

Ray Bolger, who played the Scarecrow, ended up having permanent lines

on his face due to the glue on the rubber mask.

-Imagine if the film hadn't been a hit.

-Awful.

What was dangerous about this charming scene here

with Dorothy and gang in a field of poppies?

Unusual weather we're having, ain't it?

Were those the woods you were in, Roisin?

That's Frank.

-What was dangerous about that scene?

-The fake snow?

-Asbestos.

Absolutely right. The snow was actually

carcinogenic asbestos fibres raining down on them.

The stuff that would close a school for a year

was liberally poured onto the cast's heads.

Unsurprisingly, Judy struggled with drink,

drugs and mood swings in later life.

How did she keep her spirits up when she was a really low?

Looked at the faces of her co-stars from The Wizard Of Oz?

Imagine the reunion 30 years on.

It would be like a Halloween party.

Bring back X-Men.

Do you know the worst thing? If it had been Anne Frank,

this would have been less bleak.

She actually used to keep a scrapbook

of awful events that happened to other people.

And when she felt low, she would just dip into it.

I thought I was the only person who did that.

You may have ruined one of my all-time favourite films.

I'm so sorry.

But I am definitely going to watch it.

It's time now to play for the big one, for the Frank.

Frances Gumm, aka Judy Garland.

In 1954, designer Michael Wolff made a black velvet dress for a premiere.

What secret touch did he add for Judy?

-Binding her boobs, because it...

-He bound her boobs?

It's gone very University Challenge. Lots of conferring.

It's a bit unfair on Richard because you've got an historian

and he's got me.

And me.

At the beginning of this, when you said Wizard Of Oz,

Roisin turned to me and said, "We're going to ace this.

"I know everything about The Wizard Of Oz."

Thus far, we've yet to see it.

But we'll make quite a strong finish.

-I'll give you a clue, it's an accessory.

-Hip flask.

He put two grams of speed in the armpit.

I'll give it to Richard cos he's the closest.

He designed a matching fur muff that contained a secret pocket

big enough for a flask of vodka.

And you said hip flask.

So, well done, Richard, you win the first Frank of the day.

Right, Richard, it's your turn to pick the category.

We'll go for sporting Franks,

in the hope it's not Frank Lampard.

I am personally over the moon to reveal

it's footballing great

Frank Lampard OBE.

Let's look at his stats here.

Frank spent 13 years playing for Chelsea,

becoming their all-time leading goal scorer.

You must have seen him, Richard,

score quite a few as a Fulham supporter.

Against your team.

You know what, for a Chelsea player, he's all right. I don't mind.

I've met him once, he's a nice bloke.

-He seems that way.

-I've seen him at the bar.

Sorry, has this turned into Frank Lampard, This Is Your Life?

So what does Frank think he's unbeatable at?

Disco.

-Hungry Hippos.

-Tipping machine.

-No.

Noughts and crosses.

-No. You put coins into a...

-Is it that thing you put a coin in?

Does he do that thing where you balance it on a lemon

but no-one can do it?

I don't know what games were you playing in Devon when you were young.

-When you make a row.

-Connect 4.

-Connect

-4. I don't know how posh you are, Sue,

but I've never played it with real money.

He absolutely thinks he's boss at Connect 4.

A game of strategy and skill...

-..is chess.

-I'll tell you what I'm like.

If the game goes away from me, I'll flip it.

Happy Christmas.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

I'm a ruthless Connect 4 player.

Frank's IQ is over 150.

For context, Einstein was in the 160s.

-He's got an A star in Latin.

-A star?

-That's pretty good.

Do you know Latin? Do you know that, Kate?

Amo, amas, amat, amamus, amatis, amant.

We don't need to know all of the Latin now.

Did you just cast a spell?

We're going to win, we are going to win.

During his last years at Chelsea,

what was Frank doing in his hotel late at night?

-Was he writing his children's books?

-He was writing his children's books.

-Are they about football?

-They're all about football.

Oh, change the record, Frank, come on, mate.

Sitting over there with your sitcom, Josh.

Since October 2009, Frank's been in a relationship

with the wonderful Christine Bleakley.

-Where did they meet?

-At the Pride of Britain Awards.

Fact, Kate!

It's like I've brought Rain Man.

Is it opposite to Rain Man?

According to Christine, what's Frank's worst habit?

He does it with his toes. What does he do with them?

Pick his toes, bite his toenails.

He bites his toenails and leaves the droppings on the table.

The main question is, how the hell does he bite his own toenails?

If he can do that, why is he wasting his time doing that?

OK, this one is now for the Frank, Richard's team.

According to the Daily Mirror, in 2015,

what was Frank offered the chance to do?

To put something back.

To donate to a sperm bank?

Think of a public role.

To be Prime Minister.

I will give it to Josh, actually, because it was political.

He was offered the chance to stand as Conservative candidate

for Kensington and Chelsea.

-Is he a Tory?

-He is a Tory.

-He is.

LAUGHTER

Well done, you win the Frank. Well done, Josh.

So the next one is between you. Josh, who are you going to pick?

-Shall we call with Heroic?

-Excellent.

You have chosen England's greatest explorer and ruff enthusiast,

Sir Francis Drake.

Let's have a look at his stats.

Born around 1540 in Tavistock, Devon. That's down your way, isn't it?

It is. I learnt about him at school.

You modelled your hair on him, didn't you? Sorry!

I am one of the few people who takes a photo of Sir Francis Drake

into the barber's.

Didn't he famously finish his...?

They said, "The Spanish Armada is coming", and then he said,

"I'm going to finish my game of bowls before we attack them."

Is that right?

That is the story, but we don't know how real...

-I am on your team!

-I know, I am just saying...

The story is right but it was meant to signify how relaxed he was,

how he just thought,

"The Spanish, they can't get me because I'm supercool."

No-one playing bowls has ever been supercool.

Before he sailed around the world, what line of business was Drake in?

Hip-hop?

-Slaver, was he a slave trader?

-He was a slaver.

-Different times, don't write in.

-What do you mean, "different times"?

Are you defending him?

No, I'm saying, don't write in, it was a different time.

Just because I said the word slavery,

doesn't mean I think it is a good thing.

Sounds like you do, Sue, to be fair.

I can't believe Sue Perkins endorses slavery.

LAUGHTER

The awful slave-monger Drake returned from his grand voyage

with his ship packed full of plundered Spanish silver and treasure.

The Queen got half and paid off her entire foreign debt.

So if George Osborne is watching... George Osborne isn't watching.

He is always watching!

-How did the Queen treat Drake when he returned?

-She knighted him.

She did, that is FACT.

She didn't knight him, actually, she got the French...

We got it right, stop!

Big favourite, as we know, of Elizabeth I. Not sure why.

Here's Elizabeth. Here's Drake. Basically, Elizabeth in drag.

-STEPHEN:

-They've both got their head in a Viennetta.

-Gingers stick together.

-That is slightly spooking me out.

That was quite sinister, the way you said that.

Like someone had wronged you.

Seriously, they've done surveys and gingers are the only people

who don't go out with people who look like them.

Everyone goes out with someone who looks...

-Can you say gingers? Are you allowed to?

-I'm allowed to say it.

-OK.

Are you reclaiming the word ginger?

-ROISIN:

-What are you saying, Kate?

People tend to date and marry people who look like them.

Apart from gingers and albinos, the only people who don't.

That's not the case or we would be in a semidetached in Chatham.

Richard and Sue, you're not far off!

If I may be so bold, you and Kate are not a million miles away.

Are all you six going to pair off at the end of the night?

So, time to play now for the Frank. This is the big one.

Anyone know what this is and what it is supposed to do?

Oh, that is Drake's drum.

Straight in there with the facts, that's it, game over!

If England is ever in trouble, we are supposed to beat Drake's drum

and he will come back and help.

According to the website, Haunted Dartmoor,

that's 100% reliable, the drum is said to have beat out

a ghostly tattoo during the First World War

and once again in 1965, when it was heard by a gardener who stated

he had clearly heard the drumbeat out.

Young Alan Titchmarsh on the home-brew there.

You're absolutely right and for the Frank, well done.

APPLAUSE

Time now to fire up our Frank-flavoured fruit machine.

We will pull the handle

and up will pop three of my favourite all-time Franks.

Our teams must match the extraordinary fact

to the extraordinary Frank. Let's spin.

French President Francois Mitterrand, 17th century scientist Francis Bacon

and American president Franklin D Roosevelt.

The question is, which Frank was killed by a frozen chicken?

-Hit by a frozen chicken?

-No, murdered by a frozen chicken.

It was a frozen chicken with a gun, Josh.

Chickens weren't frozen that old.

LAUGHTER

I am saying, it's too old.

It was in a day when chickens weren't getting frozen.

I am surprised, Kate, you didn't say chickens weren't frozen that old.

I'm keeping my mouth shut.

Kate is literally, she is sitting on facts like a hen on an egg.

Can I just say, just so that everyone knows?

She has already whispered the answer in my ear.

-RICHARD:

-I don't think Mitterrand was killed by a frozen chicken.

-We would know that.

-We would.

I believe the French would have let us know about that.

-I think it is Francis Bacon.

-They didn't have freezers then.

-But you could still freeze things.

-Where?

-South Pole, North Pole.

It is a long way to go to pop your chicken in the freezer.

I just want to see what Rob's mind does

when we tell him about the Ice Age, he's not going to believe it.

-What do you think?

-Kate knows it is Bacon

so I think we have got to say Bacon.

OK, you're both going for Bacon.

You're both right, you're absolutely right. Well done.

March 1626, Bacon wanted to see whether...

March! He's pushing his luck.

..cold would help with the preservation of meat

so he stuffed a hen with snow.

As a result, he caught a chill, developed bronchitis

and died shortly after.

So it was a respiratory thing rather

-than a gastrointestinal thing.

-He didn't eat it?

He was still trying to freeze a chicken without a freezer in spring.

Pre-global warming, it is the 17th century. No fossil fuels.

It's much better now, nice and warm.

You both got that, well done to both of you.

One of you will get the Francis Bacon,

the other will get a bonus.

Look, Frank Pike from Dad's Army. One each, congratulations.

Next up, you have got French rival to Henry VIII... Don't answer, Kate.

..King Francis I.

Sci-fi author Frank Herbert and Kafkaesque author Franz Kafka.

Which of these Franks invented the hard hat?

What is the hard hat made of?

Hard stuff.

He might have invented a version of it,

like half a coconut or something.

I think Kafka did it just so he had something else to moan about.

I know Francis I invented scaffolding

but I don't think it was him.

Francis I invented sleeves.

-Final answers, what do you reckon?

-He was a clerk, wasn't he?

-He was an official.

-You're going for Kafka, are you?

-Are we?

It's Kafkaesque, isn't it?

-What do you reckon, guys?

-I think it's the middle one.

What do you think, Kate?

Well, I would think it was the middle one

but we have just had one that was the middle one.

That is not a reason!

I never thought I would say this, but you are a liability to the team.

Josh, that breaks my heart.

-We're going to go Francis I.

-OK, the correct answer

is Franz Kafka.

APPLAUSE

Kafka worked for an accident claims insurance company

and is credited with inventing the first hard hat.

Well done, Richard, the Kafka

is going to you, you win the Frank.

Let's spin again.

You've got holy leader Pope Francis I,

theatrical dame Frances de la Tour

and double entendre specialist Frankie Howerd.

Which of these Franks has released a rock album?

-JOSH:

-I don't think it can be the Pope.

He is a very liberal Pope but...

Occasionally they like to reach out to a new audience.

He might have done something with Status Quo.

Do you think he has worked with Status Quo?

Praying All Over The World.

I don't know anything about Frances de la Tour.

Shall we go for the Pope?

-What do you reckon, guys?

-Maybe we will go for Frankie Howerd.

I know there is a Frankie in the Saturdays

but I don't think it is Frankie Howerd.

If it is, Wayne Bridge is going to be disappointed!

LAUGHTER

Well, the correct answer to that is...

Pope Francis I.

So he released a rock album in November last year.

You win the Frank. Well done, Josh.

Right, now it is time to play Finish The Fact.

I am going to start by reading out a Frank-based nugget

and you have got to buzz in when you think you know how it ends.

Loads of Franks to be won here.

First up, jockey Frank Hayes.

BUZZER Roisin.

Who let the horse ride him.

Is the only jockey who's humble enough to admit

it is the horse that does all the work.

-No.

-Josh, you would be such a good jockey.

-Cheers, mate.

You have got such a jockey look about you.

What a chat-up line!

I don't know if I am the only one who has got the booster seat.

Frank Hayes is the only jockey who has ever won a race while...

I'll give you a clue, think very ill.

-Dead.

-Had a cold.

Dead, absolutely right.

He suffered a fatal heart attack in the midst of a race

at Belmont Park in New York whilst riding his horse Sweet Kiss.

Despite carrying a dead weight, Sweet Kiss ran ahead of the field

and won the race.

I think I was right by, "The horse doing all the work."

But you didn't say the words, "he was dead", and Richard did so,

well done, you win the Frank.

TV chef Fanny Cradock.

BUZZER

-Roisin.

-Radio 4.

Some of the most eloquent tomatoes we have ever seen.

Smaller tomatoes.

Like cherry tomatoes.

Fanny juice?

AUDIENCE GROANS

I am going to allow you to continue with that thought.

-Cos that is her name.

-Don't let him continue with that thought!

It's almost right because, not Fanny's juice,

but buckets of "Madam's Tonic" which was her own recipe,

consisting of...

-There was some tea in there as well.

-There was some tea in there.

Fanny tea.

And urine. Fanny tea and urine.

Who doesn't like their tomatoes in lady vinaigrette?

Fanny also invented a dish called banana candles.

Let's have a look at these. There they are.

Worst Bake Off ever.

"Mary, I have made this."

Really a conversation stopper.

And, of course, Kate, you got that right.

It was indeed Fanny juice, AKA urine and tea.

Next up, it's holy animal lover St Francis of Assisi.

BUZZER

George Foreman grill.

Tinder.

BUZZER

-Kate is about to end the badinage.

-Come on.

Let's hear one funny thing

before the axe of cold, hard truth falls again.

Is it the West Side sign?

-Kate?

-I think he invented the Nativity scene.

It's factually correct.

He was trying to put religion at the heart of Christmas

rather than materialism and gift-giving.

He did indeed construct the Nativity scene.

APPLAUSE

I am really enjoying this. It's great fun because

they have got a historian who knows everything.

I've seen that guy on Pointless, he claims to know everything.

He knows nothing, he's a robot.

So we have come to the end of the show

and I can tell you that our winners with the most Franks

are...Josh's team.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Josh, you get the privilege now, having won, you get

the privilege of naming the greatest Frank of all time, as you see it.

I don't know his surname

but he is nine years old and he is Irish.

LAUGHTER

So for our winners, a musical treat.

This is by pop sensation Pope Francis I.

It's yours, there you go.

And finally, for our losers,

a mere shower of carcinogenic snow from The Wizard Of Oz.

There you go. Don't breathe in, don't breathe in.

My thanks to all my guests.

Special thanks to all the Franks here, there and everywhere.

And thanks to you at home for watching. Don't breathe in.

Goodnight.