Episode 6 Insert Name Here


Episode 6

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APPLAUSE

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Hello, you, and welcome to Insert Name Here,

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the show where we unearth a ton of partially useful information

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about a group of people united by just one common thread -

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the same first name.

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My guests tonight have no such common thread, but please welcome

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the diversely named Sara Pascoe, Paul Hollywood

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and their team captain, Josh Widdicombe.

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And over on the other side,

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Kate Williams, Joe Lycett and their captain Richard Osman.

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APPLAUSE

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So, how do you feel, Josh? Paul next to you.

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I'm very excited. Obviously, Kate is dead to me.

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-LAUGHTER

-Oh, no!

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-So ruthless.

-She, ironically, is history to me.

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You know she can bake as well? Bake and do history.

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-You can bake, right?

-Brilliantly so.

-Oh, my God, she's an amazing baker.

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If you want old cakes, here is your lady.

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I have to say, Paul is looking very, very smart tonight.

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-Have you made a special effort?

-Are you...?

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Listen! Are you even going down that worst dressed man?

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-Oh, I know what this is.

-Let's illuminate.

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I think he was voted the worst dressed man,

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-is it Britain or the world?

-Britain.

-I think just Britain.

-Just Britain.

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But he's qualified for the European Champions League.

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-But who did you just pip to the post, Paul?

-Josh.

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-Aw.

-I came second.

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The second worst dressed man in Britain.

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-Would you rather have won?

-Mr Motivator is still around.

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LAUGHTER

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Do you know any of the judges?

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The list of judges genuinely included Giorgio Armani.

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-What?

-No.

-No way.

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Yeah, who I didn't even know was a real person.

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I thought he was just a brand.

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Can I just say, Paul is writing these down like it's a hit list.

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He's going to send them a poisoned bun.

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Where's that shirt from, Josh? The one you're wearing now.

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Um, a little place I know called H&M.

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That's where you've gone wrong.

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Where's your shirt from, then, Joe?

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-A little place called H&M.

-LAUGHTER

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-I don't know, actually.

-See you on the list next year, Lycett.

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Let me just quote from GQ.

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They said about Josh, "You've developed a style

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"that can only be described as an update on Bilbo Baggins."

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-No!

-APPLAUSE

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We've got a picture of Paul here. He dresses very nicely.

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He's taken his pyjama bottoms off anyway.

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-Are you sat on a load of flour?

-Yeah.

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Have a day off, Paul!

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Is that your sofa at home?

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All your furniture is made out of different things that go into bread.

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-That was ten years ago.

-Was it?

-Yeah.

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How come you look exactly the same?

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-Bread.

-Bread!

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So, I'm going to move now to the all-important question -

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which name we'll be featuring tonight.

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Well, it's the name of the patron saint of travellers,

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the first half of Christmas and nearly all of the word crisp.

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Tonight's name is Chris.

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And that, of course, includes Christophers, Christines

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and Christinas, natch.

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So, who can we expect to see? Well, we'll have musicians,

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millionaire makers and monocle wearers.

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We've got a victorious knight

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and the nation's favourite dame.

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That was a technical challenge, wasn't it, Paul?

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I love the fact that both of you are officially worse dressed

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than Christopher Biggins.

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Josh, any early thoughts as to who would be your champion Chris?

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I thought you could have two-for-one -

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Kris Kristofferson.

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Oh, double the Chris.

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Richard, any early thoughts on a Chris?

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I've got two thoughts but I'm not sure if they're Chrises.

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-You might have to give us a judgement.

-OK.

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-Because there's Jesus Christ. People call him Christ, right?

-Yeah.

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I know they called him Chris. Jesus Chris.

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Jesus, Chris!

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That's where he got his nickname.

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Jesus Christ. And the other one - Father Christmas.

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-He's a Nicholas, really.

-There's Kris Kringle.

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-Kris Kringle?

-Yeah, it's Kris Kringle, see.

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-All right, Kris Kringle.

-Thanks, Paul.

-He bailed you out.

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All right, your early runners are Jesus Christ and Father Christmas.

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-Or Kriss Akabusi. One of those three.

-Yes.

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The thing about Jesus Christ and Kriss Akabusi -

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both overcame a lot of hurdles.

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-LAUGHTER

-Very nice.

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So, let's get on with the show. Time to pick a Chris.

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Our teams have four categories to choose from

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and behind each one lurks a famous Chris.

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So, Richard, your team gets

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to choose a category, please.

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Screen Legend Chris? Start with a bit of show business?

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-Yeah, let's do it.

-Work your glamour on this team.

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-Screen Legend Chris, I think, for us.

-All right.

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You have opted for screen legend

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and one-time bloodsucker,

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Christopher Lee.

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So, let's have a look at his stats.

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Lee's first experience as the famous Transylvanian vampire

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was in the 1958 film Dracula.

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Kate, can you give us a bit of context on Dracula?

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Well, the novel by Bram Stoker, but it's based on, we think,

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Vlad the Impaler, the 15th-century ruler of Romania.

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They got the name Dracul from dragon

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cos they're meant to be the Order of the Dragon, protecting Christianity.

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And Vlad the Impaler thought the best way of doing this

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would be to impale people

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and then he'd use their blood for his bread.

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-There you go, Paul.

-What?

-That's a signature bake.

-Yeah.

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I think, the first programme of Bake Off last year -

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when they all come in -

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they're all quite nervous, they all cut their fingers.

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There's probably more than one occasion I've had blood on bread.

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That's why he hasn't aged for ten years!

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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2010, Christopher Lee released a symphonic metal concept album

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about the Roman emperor Charlemagne, from whom Lee is descended.

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-Here they are.

-Wow.

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That's what you would look like if you didn't drink blood.

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LAUGHTER It's true!

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I was wearing a hat very similar to that last week. I was in Russia.

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I think we've got a picture of you actually here,

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which is, I think, the day you won Russia's worst dressed man.

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Is that a horse or a bit of a hat behind you?

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LAUGHTER Just left the head on.

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The album from Christopher is entitled

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Charlemagne - By The Sword And The Cross.

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Lee said...

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-Well, shall we judge for ourselves?

-Ooh, yeah.

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# An empire made great

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# By deeds of great kings!

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# I shed blood of Saxon men

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# I shed the blood of the Saxon men

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# I shed the blood of the Saxon men

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# I shed the blood of the Saxon men

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# I shed it at Verden

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# I shed the blood of the Saxon men

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# I shed the blood of 4,000 Saxon men. #

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-Wonderful.

-Good.

-Very, very good.

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-I quite like that.

-You'd Spotify that, would you?

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-Yeah.

-I hope it's on Spotify.

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-It's not like Taylor Swift.

-LAUGHTER

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-Be really disappointing.

-Yeah.

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He says it's killing live music, Spotify. He wouldn't have it.

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-"Boycott it."

-He said, "I'll shed the blood of 4,000 Saxon men

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"but I'm afraid I'm not going to kill the record industry."

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In 1974, Christopher Lee played the tri-nippled Scaramanga

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in the Bond classic The Man With The Golden Gun.

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Now, Pauly, I know you've got a thing about Bond,

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but if you had to play a Bond villain, who would you be?

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What would be your special skills?

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-Er...sharpening baguettes, throwing them.

-Ooh!

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That's a hell of a sharp baguette to impale someone with.

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I've cut myself on the end of a baguette before.

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You haven't cut yourself on the end of a baguette, Paul!

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-Richard, you remind me a little bit of a Bond villain.

-Uh-oh.

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-LAUGHTER

-Oh!

-That's mean.

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I was thinking Ursula Andress.

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Josh, you remind us of one too.

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LAUGHTER

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-Who's that?!

-That's Herve Villechaize.

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That looks like the photo you get trying to get you to donate £3.

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Sorry, are you talking about the guy on the left or the guy on the right?

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-Now it's time to play for the Chris.

-Ooh, here we go.

-Here it is.

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What happened to Christopher Lee on his way to Los Angeles to promote

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-The Man With The Golden Gun?

-Was the gun in his luggage?

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Cos they don't let you take them through.

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-It WAS in his luggage.

-Ah!

-It was in his luggage.

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-APPLAUSE

-Yeah!

-Good work!

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So, to complete the story.

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He was on his way to appear on The Johnny Carson Show,

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carrying the gun in pieces in a box.

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Customs asked him to put it together, which he did,

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and they then just took it off him, never returned.

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He then took out a fountain pen, twisted it once anticlockwise

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and wrote a very strongly-worded complaint.

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Well done, Sara. Well done, Josh's team.

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-Hey, great.

-Congratulations. You win.

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Have you ever been stopped at customs, Paul?

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Do they do that? Do they search your baggage?

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-I haven't been stopped at customs.

-Has Mary?

-Mary!

-Oh, Mary did.

-No!

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-Oh! What was she up for this time?

-"Honestly, it's a bag of flour."

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LAUGHTER

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When you're on a flight with Mary,

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-when the air hostess comes round with the bread...

-Yes.

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..is there, like, an awkward moment where you're sort of tasting...?

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LAUGHTER

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Right, Josh, it's your turn and your choice. What's it going to be?

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-Oh.

-Shall we go for Holy or Globetrotting?

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-Oh, so, we've got rid of Diva?

-I've got rid of Diva.

-Is it out of place?

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Now you've excluded it, that's all I want.

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-That's what I want.

-Well, do you know what?

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You're going to learn an important lesson.

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I love you trying to be tough,

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like you're not about to backtrack immediately.

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You're going to learn an important lesson about diva... No.

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We're going to go Globetrotting Chris.

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-AUDIENCE GROANS

-OK, all right.

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You're going to roll like that, are you?

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-Interesting.

-You are like that little evil man.

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You have chosen explorer, seafarer

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and eccentric hat enthusiast Christopher Columbus.

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Let's have a look at his stats.

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Columbus's 1492 expedition

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was intended to find a new route to Asia,

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but by heading west rather than east.

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He hit land much quicker than expected,

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was still convinced he'd got to Asia rather than America.

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How did he explain the fact that he'd got round the world so quickly?

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Was he having fun?

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-Was it pear shaped?

-He thought the world was pear shaped, yes.

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So, basically, he thought that he was going round the top,

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-the thin bit.

-Oh!

-And he got there so much quicker.

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He believed the Earth was pear shaped right up until the point

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his career went the same way.

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During his third voyage to the Americas,

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Columbus landed in modern-day Venezuela

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and saw the mouth of the Orinoco.

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How did he land in modern-day Venezuela? That's unbelievable.

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LAUGHTER

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-What did he think he'd discovered?

-The entrance to hell or something.

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-The opposite.

-The entrance to heaven.

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-Not heaven, but...

-The exit to heaven.

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If there's a fire in heaven, that's what they use, right?

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There's no fire exit in hell.

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No, they've got non-fire exits.

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If the fire should go out, please make your way to the exit.

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-Paradise on earth.

-Garden of Eden.

-The Garden of Eden.

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Columbus believed that paradise was to be found near the equator.

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And when he saw such a large body of water,

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just assumed it was the river that flowed out of Eden.

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When he found out he was wrong, he was so furious,

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he gave it a stinking review on TripAdvisor.

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But was Eden a thing? I mean, was that a destination?

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-Were people always trying to find the Garden of Eden?

-They were.

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They had different ways of getting to it.

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So, there was this 19th-century Russian society

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that actually got to number 100,000 people

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that tried to get back to the state of the Garden of Eden

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by cutting off their genitals.

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-That was their cunning plan.

-HE WHISTLES

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You'd be annoyed if you didn't find it after all that, wouldn't you?

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-Yes.

-How did they grow in numbers?

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People are also going, "Yeah, it's amazing.

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"It's absolutely amazing. I haven't found it yet,

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"but cut my knob off and it's..."

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People could've just abstained.

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Does cutting off your genitals mean that you don't have the urge?

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You don't get any testosterone if you're a man

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once your testicles are cut off.

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-We must have testosterone elsewhere, surely. Paul has, look.

-Oh, Paul.

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Paul, I don't know how big your balls are,

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but there's too much testosterone.

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But there's no way he can answer that question.

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Either he says, "No, actually, they're quite small,"

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or he looks really arrogant being,

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-"Yeah, they're massive..."

-Can you move on from my balls?

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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You know, I was thinking, like, ten years ago,

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women used to complain about the industry and the media.

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And all we've done today is told two men they're badly dressed

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and then talk about their sexual organs.

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Have we gone too far the other way?

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One of Columbus's party,

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Rodrigo de Jerez, is credited with a particular honour.

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What is it?

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-Oh, did he...?

-Steal the gold?

-Not gold.

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-Did he invent cigarettes?

-Yes.

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-Invented cigarettes?

-He didn't invent them, but I'll give you that.

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-Because he was the first European smoker that we know of.

-Oh.

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There he is. Even then they had to huddle outside.

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What happened when he brought back smoking?

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The guy who invented the lighter said, "Finally!"

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Actually, the smoke billowing from his mouth and nose

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so frightened his neighbours, he was arrested

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and then imprisoned by the holy inquisitors for five years.

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-On what grounds?

-Being a dragon.

-Being a dragon, essentially.

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I'd give someone more than five years for being a dragon.

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-Aw.

-That's cos you're a hobbit.

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They're your natural enemy.

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APPLAUSE

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Here is the question for the Chris.

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On his fourth and final voyage,

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Columbus was stranded in Jamaica and fell out with the locals.

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-How did he get them back on side?

-Did he invent reggae?

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I think this is the lunar eclipse story.

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The Jamaicans were angry, they wouldn't give them any food,

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so he said, "I am so powerful that I control the moon

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"and I can take the moon away from you if you don't feed me"

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because he knew there was going to be a lunar eclipse.

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So, they said, "Ha-ha-ha, that's not true,"

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and then there was a lunar eclipse.

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The moon went and they said... It was kind of like the Ewoks

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in Star Wars after C-3PO did that popping up.

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-They said, "OK, we'll give you all the food you want."

-Wow.

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That was actually Luke Skywalker with the Jedi

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and he used the force to raise C-3PO.

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-KATE:

-He did. That's right.

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It wasn't C-3PO doing anything.

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-No, I know.

-LAUGHTER

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There's two things that rile Paul Hollywood -

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someone slagging off bread and

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somebody getting something about Star Wars wrong.

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But you're absolutely right, Kate, so, well done.

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-Richard's team, you win the Chris.

-Well done.

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APPLAUSE

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This next one is for both teams to play.

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-Richard, which one would you like?

-We'll have Diva Chris, please.

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You've chosen singer, actress

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and all-round Dirrty girl

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Christina Aguilera.

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Let's look at her stats.

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She's released over 30 singles, sold over 50 million albums

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and is one of the world's biggest stars.

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I have no idea what the secret of her success was,

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but here she is at the start of her career.

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And here she is promoting Dirrty.

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What would you say if you saw your daughter

0:16:220:16:24

-going out like that, Richard?

-Well...

0:16:240:16:26

That's taken me by surprise, that question.

0:16:280:16:30

Here she is now!

0:16:300:16:31

LAUGHTER

0:16:310:16:34

I think I would say, "If you've won eight Grammys

0:16:370:16:40

"and you've made £30 million, dress how you want.

0:16:400:16:42

"If you haven't, then go upstairs and change

0:16:420:16:44

"and dress like Kate Humble."

0:16:440:16:46

Wasn't it famously that she used to walk round naked at home?

0:16:470:16:49

I think that's something that people who want you to fancy them

0:16:490:16:52

-say in interviews.

-Oh.

-Right, Paul?

0:16:520:16:54

Paul cannot walk round naked just cos of ornaments. Just the...

0:16:570:17:00

In 2004, she earned £200,000 in one afternoon. How?

0:17:030:17:08

Sponsored silence.

0:17:080:17:09

-Singing at someone's birthday.

-She opened the Harrods sale.

0:17:110:17:14

She opened the Harrods summer sale. That's exactly what she did, yeah.

0:17:140:17:18

-200 grand?

-200 grand.

-But cos it was a sale, she only got 125.

0:17:180:17:22

Apparently, when they asked Mariah Carey to turn on the lights

0:17:230:17:26

at Westfield, she demanded that 20 white kittens

0:17:260:17:28

and 20 white doves were released at the same time.

0:17:280:17:30

Kittens famously like ripping doves to pieces.

0:17:300:17:33

But famously, birds can fly.

0:17:330:17:35

LAUGHTER

0:17:350:17:38

She earns her place.

0:17:380:17:40

For that factual update, I'm giving you a bonus Krispy Kreme.

0:17:400:17:46

Christina is not just a singer, but a businesswoman,

0:17:460:17:48

has brought out many different perfumes.

0:17:480:17:50

Here's a little bonus game.

0:17:500:17:51

Can you identify the real Aguilera scents, perfumes,

0:17:510:17:55

from the made-up ones?

0:17:550:17:56

I think that they're all things

0:18:020:18:05

that Paul has said to Mary.

0:18:050:18:06

LAUGHTER

0:18:060:18:09

That's one half of Paul and Mary's text conversation.

0:18:110:18:14

I think Royal Desire is real.

0:18:160:18:18

And Secret Potion

0:18:180:18:19

and Touch of Seduction.

0:18:190:18:20

We're going to go Royal Desire,

0:18:200:18:21

Potion and Stunning.

0:18:210:18:23

Let's see which ones

0:18:230:18:24

are the real ones.

0:18:240:18:25

Well done. Unbelievably, Kate, you got them right,

0:18:250:18:28

-which means we're a little bit creeped out.

-What?! No!

0:18:280:18:31

Are you her target demographic?

0:18:310:18:33

LAUGHTER

0:18:330:18:35

Who's the biggest diva in history, Kate?

0:18:350:18:37

I think one of the biggest is Maria Callas.

0:18:370:18:40

Great 20th-century Greek opera singer.

0:18:400:18:43

Never quite got over being dumped by Onassis for Jackie Kennedy.

0:18:430:18:46

Onassis, on his yacht, he covered the bar stools

0:18:460:18:49

with what he said was the softest substance known to man.

0:18:490:18:52

-And do you know what that was?

-One of Paul's Victoria sponges.

0:18:520:18:55

Is that what we're calling them now?

0:18:570:18:59

LAUGHTER

0:18:590:19:02

That was not too far, actually. The foreskin of a sperm whale

0:19:020:19:07

is apparently the softest substance known to man.

0:19:070:19:09

Not too far off Paul's bollocks?

0:19:090:19:11

I was saying, it's the same kind of area.

0:19:110:19:13

Time to play for the Chris and it's a diva-related question.

0:19:130:19:18

Christina was a judge on the American version of The Voice.

0:19:180:19:21

During the show, what was her assistant employed to do

0:19:210:19:24

every 30 minutes?

0:19:240:19:26

Is it tell her which way round she is?

0:19:260:19:28

If you had an entourage, what would you have?

0:19:300:19:32

If you have an entourage?

0:19:320:19:33

-You'd have a personal...

-Masseuse!

0:19:330:19:36

She does indeed get her feet massaged.

0:19:360:19:39

Outrageous behaviour.

0:19:390:19:40

-She's like you, Sue.

-Keep going. Keep going. It's true.

0:19:400:19:44

-Is that Mel under there?

-Yeah. LAUGHTER

0:19:440:19:47

It's true. On Bake Off, Paul does massage me.

0:19:470:19:49

-What kind of massage do you give, Paul?

-Shoulders.

-Go on.

0:19:490:19:53

Oh, this is... This is almost too erotic.

0:19:530:19:55

Don't. You're going to catch the worst dressed man.

0:19:550:19:58

-That was wonderful.

-I've got a little baguette of my own down here.

0:19:590:20:02

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:20:020:20:05

Well done, Josh's team. You win the Chris. Congratulations.

0:20:070:20:10

Time now to dust down and crank up the Insert Name Here fruit machine.

0:20:130:20:16

Each spin reveals three of our favourites Chrises

0:20:160:20:19

and it's up to our teams to match the amazing fact

0:20:190:20:22

to the incredible Chris. Let's spin.

0:20:220:20:25

So, we have hysterical former hurdler Kriss Akabusi,

0:20:250:20:28

12th-century Belgian holy woman Christina the Astonishing,

0:20:280:20:32

and Lady In Red crooner, Chris de Burgh.

0:20:320:20:35

So, the question is,

0:20:350:20:37

which Chris has claimed to have miraculous healing powers?

0:20:370:20:40

Let's start with you, Richard.

0:20:400:20:42

I think maybe Kriss Akabusi has healing powers.

0:20:420:20:44

I feel healed just looking at that photograph of him.

0:20:440:20:47

LAUGHTER

0:20:470:20:49

Do you think Chris de Burgh could heal you?

0:20:490:20:51

I feel sick looking at that photograph.

0:20:510:20:53

What's the name of the lady in the middle?

0:20:540:20:56

-Christina the Astonishing.

-She sounds amazing.

0:20:560:20:59

She was one of these type of saints who didn't eat and she flung herself

0:20:590:21:02

into frozen rivers to try and get closer to God

0:21:020:21:05

and she used to jump into fires.

0:21:050:21:06

See, it's beginning to sound like hard work now.

0:21:060:21:08

Maybe a bit high-maintenance, but she was called the Astonishing

0:21:080:21:11

because she was in the coffin in her funeral at age 21

0:21:110:21:14

and then she flew up into the sky.

0:21:140:21:17

Tell you what, Kate, for an intelligent person,

0:21:170:21:19

you'll believe any old shit.

0:21:190:21:20

Never seen that up there.

0:21:200:21:23

-Who are we going to go for, Captain?

-I think Kriss Akabusi?

-Yeah.

0:21:230:21:26

I don't like to see Kriss Akabusi up there and not choose him.

0:21:260:21:29

Yeah, let's do it.

0:21:290:21:30

We'll go Kriss Akabusi has healing powers.

0:21:300:21:32

You know earlier, I was telling you I worked at the Millennium Dome?

0:21:320:21:35

-Yes.

-Well, before the Millennium Dome opened,

0:21:350:21:37

all of the staff, in order to inspire us,

0:21:370:21:40

were taken into a hall.

0:21:400:21:42

And Kriss Akabusi came in and spoke to us an hour

0:21:420:21:44

and it was the most inspiring thing

0:21:440:21:46

that's ever happened.

0:21:460:21:47

And he said, "Those without vision, perish."

0:21:470:21:49

And that's why the Millennium Dome was such a success.

0:21:490:21:52

That's also a slogan of Specsavers.

0:21:550:21:57

APPLAUSE

0:21:590:22:02

-There was a story in the press...

-Yeah.

0:22:040:22:07

..where a woman was in a coma

0:22:070:22:09

and her favourite song was Lady In Red.

0:22:090:22:11

-And Chris de Burgh...

-Which is how she fell into the coma

0:22:110:22:14

in the first place.

0:22:140:22:15

And Chris de Burgh went to visit her and she woke up and was healed.

0:22:160:22:21

Well, the correct answer is....

0:22:210:22:23

-Chris de Burgh. Yeah, absolutely.

-Yeah! Yeah!

0:22:240:22:27

Well done, everyone.

0:22:270:22:29

Indeed. With an interview with Gloria Hunniford

0:22:310:22:33

on BBC One's Heaven And Earth Show, Chris said...

0:22:330:22:35

LAUGHTER Hunniford defended him saying...

0:22:440:22:47

Nothing fantastical there.

0:22:520:22:54

Josh, you very much win the Chris.

0:22:540:22:56

-Well done.

-Sara, well done.

0:22:560:22:57

Next up, we've got panto legend Christopher Biggins,

0:23:000:23:03

Tory wife Christine Hamilton,

0:23:030:23:05

and tree trunk-thighed cyclist Sir Chris Hoy.

0:23:050:23:08

Which of these Chrises went on somebody else's honeymoon?

0:23:080:23:12

What do you think, Paul?

0:23:120:23:13

-I think Chris Hoy.

-Hmm.

0:23:130:23:14

I don't know, I've just got a bit of hunch, I'm saying.

0:23:140:23:16

That's probably it. It's circling

0:23:160:23:18

round and you've heard it somewhere.

0:23:180:23:19

Going on that flimsy

0:23:190:23:20

kind of thinking,

0:23:200:23:21

we're going to go with Chris Hoy.

0:23:210:23:23

-Biggins - 100% the sort of thing he would do.

-Yeah, it is, isn't it?

0:23:230:23:26

100% the sort of thing where he'd meet someone at the airport

0:23:260:23:29

and say, "Where are you going?"

0:23:290:23:30

They'd say, "We're going on a honeymoon."

0:23:300:23:32

And he'd go, "I'm going to come with you."

0:23:320:23:34

Chris Hoy, it's less likely, surely.

0:23:340:23:36

Have you considered the fact that Paul has a hunch?

0:23:360:23:39

If my balls were that heavy, I'd have a hunch.

0:23:390:23:41

LAUGHTER

0:23:410:23:44

I think Biggins. Do you think, Kate?

0:23:470:23:48

-OK, let's go.

-We'll go Biggins.

0:23:480:23:50

And you're going to go with Paul's hunch of Chris Hoy.

0:23:500:23:53

Well, hunches may not be enough

0:23:530:23:55

because the answer is Christopher Biggins.

0:23:550:23:58

APPLAUSE

0:23:580:24:00

So, Biggins and Jeremy Irons were at drama school together

0:24:000:24:04

and he was Irons's best man.

0:24:040:24:06

But somehow, Biggins got invited on the honeymoon

0:24:060:24:09

and the three of them drove down to Spain.

0:24:090:24:12

On the way, Biggins suffered heat stroke

0:24:120:24:14

and spent the first week confined to his room.

0:24:140:24:16

Still, it gave Jeremy a chance to spend more time with his wife

0:24:160:24:19

while she shouted at him, "Why the hell is Christopher Biggins here?!"

0:24:190:24:23

-Congratulations, Richard. You win the Chris.

-Biggins.

0:24:230:24:27

APPLAUSE DROWNS OUT SPEECH

0:24:270:24:30

Right, everybody, let's play Finish The Fact.

0:24:300:24:33

I'll start by reading out a Chris-based morsel.

0:24:330:24:36

Buzz in when you think you know how it ends.

0:24:360:24:38

First up, it's theatrical, tight-shorted footballer

0:24:380:24:41

Cristiano Ronaldo.

0:24:410:24:42

BELL Josh.

0:24:460:24:48

Sun lamp for too long.

0:24:480:24:51

BUZZER Joe.

0:24:510:24:53

Me in my dreams.

0:24:530:24:55

LAUGHTER

0:24:550:24:57

No.

0:24:570:24:58

-BUZZER

-Replaced Debbie McGee.

0:25:030:25:07

-You know what?

-BELL

0:25:080:25:09

-Oh, no.

-Josh.

-That was the year that

0:25:090:25:11

he missed in the Champions League final for Man U.

0:25:110:25:14

He injured... BELL

0:25:140:25:16

Yeah, he was injured.

0:25:160:25:17

He injured his ankle...

0:25:210:25:22

Coincidence?

0:25:260:25:27

Yes. LAUGHTER

0:25:270:25:29

Sadly, no-one gets the Chris there.

0:25:290:25:31

But next up, ex-undercover operative Chris Ryan.

0:25:310:25:35

-BELL

-Kids.

0:25:380:25:40

No!

0:25:400:25:42

-BUZZER

-Local productions of My Fair Lady.

0:25:420:25:45

He's produced military thrillers.

0:25:480:25:50

-BUZZER

-Only as old as the fish he feels.

0:25:530:25:56

I'd like to read that. Kate. BUZZER

0:25:590:26:01

I think this was under a pseudonym

0:26:010:26:03

and it was Molly Jackson or something like that.

0:26:030:26:05

And I think it was The Fisherman's Daughter.

0:26:050:26:07

It was indeed The Fisherman's Daughter.

0:26:070:26:08

Well done. APPLAUSE

0:26:080:26:11

Absolutely. Written under his nom de plume of Molly Jackson.

0:26:110:26:14

I'll just read you a bit.

0:26:140:26:15

"The fishermen took her in his strong arms,

0:26:150:26:18

"kissed her tenderly on her perfect lips

0:26:180:26:21

"and unleashed his semiautomatic into the harbour master."

0:26:210:26:23

Well done, Richard. You win the Chris. Congratulations.

0:26:250:26:28

Well done, Kate.

0:26:280:26:29

Next, high-earning Twilight star Kristen Stewart.

0:26:290:26:33

-BELL

-What to say when caught

0:26:360:26:38

cheating on a boyfriend.

0:26:380:26:39

-AUDIENCE:

-Ooh!

0:26:390:26:41

-Ooh.

-I didn't do it. She did.

0:26:410:26:44

If you want to be famous, what might you practise?

0:26:440:26:46

-BUZZER

-Autograph.

0:26:460:26:49

Yes. Absolutely right, yeah.

0:26:490:26:51

She loved - absolutely loved - taking packages for neighbours.

0:26:530:26:57

No, she adored it.

0:27:000:27:01

-"What's that?"

-Her idea of hell is a red card on the mat.

0:27:010:27:03

-"Wonder what it could be."

-LAUGHTER

0:27:030:27:07

No. She loved pens.

0:27:070:27:09

And weirdly, her career is now stationary.

0:27:090:27:12

-AUDIENCE:

-Ooh!

0:27:120:27:14

APPLAUSE DROWNS OUT SPEECH

0:27:140:27:16

So, we've come to the end of the show and I can tell you

0:27:160:27:19

that our winners, with the most Chrises,

0:27:190:27:21

-are Josh's team.

-Yay!

0:27:210:27:23

-APPLAUSE

-Well done. Well done.

0:27:230:27:27

But now we come to the big one, the big question.

0:27:290:27:31

Who is the best Chris of all time?

0:27:310:27:34

There was only one Chris that got a cheer

0:27:340:27:36

when their photo was revealed.

0:27:360:27:38

-Kriss Akabusi.

-Yeah.

-You heard it here first.

0:27:380:27:41

It's with great joy, I declare,

0:27:410:27:43

-Kriss Akabusi is the best Chris of all time.

-Yeah!

0:27:430:27:48

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:27:480:27:52

Time to award prizes.

0:27:520:27:54

For our winners, it's a bottle of Christina Aguilera's perfume,

0:27:540:27:58

Touch of Seduction. There you go.

0:27:580:28:00

Ooh!

0:28:000:28:02

And for our losers,

0:28:040:28:06

a big bottle of Touch of Seduction.

0:28:060:28:11

Ooh, that's got weight.

0:28:110:28:12

So sorry. So sorry.

0:28:120:28:15

My thanks to all of my guests.

0:28:150:28:17

Special thanks to all the Chrises here, there and everywhere.

0:28:170:28:20

And thanks to you, you at home, for watching us. Good night.

0:28:200:28:23

APPLAUSE

0:28:230:28:25

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