Christmas Special Insert Name Here

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Hello, you, and welcome to this special Christmas edition

of Insert Name Here, and joining me, six very special guests.

Please welcome, Deborah Meaden, Kate Williams,

and their team captain Josh Widdicombe,

and on the other side, Danny Baker, Sara Pascoe

and their captain Richard Osman.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Now, first things first, let's discuss the elephant in the room.

Kate, do you want to talk through your outfit?

Cos we didn't get that memo.

I thought, "Christmas show, I should come as an elf."

I didn't realise that no-one else would be coming...

I look a bit like a kissagram but never mind.

There's a slight sense of sort of pornographic elf,

which is disconcerting. Isn't it?

-Have you ever seen pornography?

-Yes.

As it's Christmas, we thought we'd do something

a little bit different on the show this week so instead of

celebrating one single name, we're going to celebrate a raft of names.

Tonight we're going to be talking about the stars of Christmas.

APPLAUSE

I'll tell you something that says Christmas and that's presents.

Because we had a lot of fun working together on the previous series

so I thought it'd be nice to give presents.

-Do you think that's a nice thing to do?

-Oh, that's a lovely thing.

-This is unexpected.

-There you go.

Sara, if you could pass that to Sue.

-Oh, that is so...

-It's a pleasure.

Look at the wrapping.

-Well, listen I... I got you a little something.

-That's kind.

-JOSH:

-Guys?

Hello?

-You can share it, though.

-Thank you so much. Can I just say, Sue?

Merry Christmas and what a pleasure it is to work with you on this team.

Oh... Thank you.

APPLAUSE

INAUDIBLE

-JOSH:

-Are you taking the piss?

LAUGHTER

Right, time to get on with the show.

We're going to pick a Christmas all-star.

Our panellists choose a category behind which lurks one of the big

festive players who our teams must then attempt to win.

So we've got...

Richard, it's your team's turn to go first.

Pick a category if you will.

We'll go for a Christmas Father, please, Sue.

Christmas Father. OK.

Well, you've chosen the daddy of Christmas himself,

it's Santa Claus.

So let's have a look at his stats.

LAUGHTER

LAUGHTER

-I really have met Father Christmas.

-What?

One of the things I've done on the radio is people with

spectacular names and people whose names just sound like

they're famous people and so you get people like

Vincent Rice...

A Carolyn Munro rang up.

And a fellow came in from another studio.

He said, "I heard what you were doing."

And he was wearing the dog collar.

He said, "My name is Christopher Moss. I'm Father Chris Moss."

He really, really was.

St Nicholas was born in 265 AD.

According to legend, what did he do just after he was born?

-He performed a miracle.

-Oh, did he speak?

He did speak, actually. I'll give you that.

He did speak, but what did he say?

Merry Christmas, everyone!

He immediately stood up in the bath and praised God.

Even as a baby, he would fast every Wednesday and Friday...

-He was doing the 5-2?

-He did the 5-2.

According to legend, St Nicholas rescued three boys.

What happened to them?

Yes, the only thing I know,

or can remember about St Nicholas is they were murdered and sliced up

and put in a barrel and were going to be sold as ham,

and he came along and he freed them, made them back to life.

I think I'm right in remembering.

That is absolutely right. He did indeed. Well done. Congratulations.

He did. He restored them back to life.

So they were cured...

then cured.

Dutch settlers took the legend of St Nicholas to America where

Sinterklaas gradually evolved into Santa Claus.

Meanwhile, the British had an entirely different tradition.

In Tudor times, who was the face of Christmas?

I believe what we are talking about here is the whole tradition,

pre-Queen Victoria,

of Christmas being an adult festival for fun and

wild drunkenness and, in Tudor times, the lord over this was

Captain Christmas, or Lord Christmas.

-Captain Christmas?!

-Captain Christmas!

-It is. Well done.

-Captain Christmas?!

-Yes.

-Worst superhero ever.

Did you know it's illegal to eat a mince pie

in this country on Christmas Day?

Is that another EU law, is it?

The only thing we're allowed to eat is bloody Brussels!

It was brought in by Oliver Cromwell,

who, of course, banned Christmas,

had people employed as Christmas inspectors who used to go round and

knock on the door and say, "No-one's having Christmas fun in here."

-Banned eating mince pies.

-Is it still banned?

-It is still there.

Someone has forgotten to take it off.

Have you eaten a mince pie on Christmas Day?

Oh, I'm sorry, you're going to have to talk to my lawyer about that.

I can't. I'm too full up of swan.

By the 17th century,

Captain Christmas had become known as Father Christmas.

The British Father Christmas then merged with the American Santa Claus

to form the sort of messy, confusing mix of pagan and Christian

we know and love today.

But where did the idea of Santa Claus flying come from?

Anybody know?

Are we going to get into Coca-Cola territory?

Everyone always says it's all that advert, don't they?

It's actually way before then. Way before then.

It isn't quite true either. He was already red.

-You're on my team!

-I'm just saying.

Your team is literally like a family Christmas.

I'm not sitting in the corner drinking too much.

It's to do with the fact they drank hallucinogenic reindeer wee.

THEY CHEER

Oh, that's going to wash down the goose beautifully.

# We're walking in the air! #

-Wow.

-It's true.

The Sami people of Lapland used to feed mushrooms to their reindeer,

which they would graze on, and then collect and drink the urine.

And you'd get the hallucinogenic properties of the mushrooms

in a safer and more processed form.

So it's now time to play for the Santa,

and look at one of the more bizarre Christmas films ever made.

It's the 1964 classic Santa Claus Conquers The Martians.

-Yes!

-Are you a fan of this one?

-I have seen this.

-You're joking.

-There it is.

-No.

Now, I don't want to spoil the film

because the writing, acting and props have already done that.

It's Christmas time.

The Martian children are very sad so the Martian leaders kidnap

Santa from Earth so he can teach the Martian kids about fun.

So the question is, how does Santa cheer up the Martian children?

If only someone had seen the film.

I just remembered I saw this in a double bill

with a film called The Terrors Of Tiny Town,

which was a cowboy film staffed entirely by midgets

and everyone was little.

Had you been drinking reindeer wee at the time?

I don't remember how he cheers him up but I have seen it.

-Anyone have a clue?

-Is it a funny dance?

-No, no dancing.

Does he do his catchphrase, "Ho, ho, ho"?

No, I'll give you that, though,

cos it's as close to a "Ho, ho, ho" as you're going to get.

Let's have a look what he does.

We have another Earth person that wants to see you.

SANTA CHUCKLES CREEPILY

KIDS LAUGH

SANTA LAUGHS MANIACALLY

That's how you cheer up children.

Just laugh and laugh and laugh

until they start laughing and they laughed and laughed

until they saw the reviews of the film.

Well done. Josh's team, you win the Santa.

APPLAUSE

Right, Josh, your turn to pick a Christmas name. You've got...

-Can I have a Christmas Cook?

-A Christmas Cook.

Well, you have chosen the nation's number one turkey twizzler,

Delia Smith.

Let's have a look at her stats.

Delia's one of Britain's bestselling and best loved cookery writers,

having sold over 21 million books and her How To Cook Book One ranks

at number 60 in the bestselling books of all time.

Now, Deborah, do you do cooking at Christmas? Are you a cook?

-Oh, I wish you hadn't asked that.

-Why?

-Because I've...

never cooked.

-You've never cooked?

-What, never, ever cooked?

-Well, I've heated milk.

-Worst Christmas ever.

So, hang on, let's rewind. The Meaden Christmas.

Who's cooking at the Meaden Christmas?

-My husband, who is a fabulous cook.

-Oh, good. You're let off.

-Absolutely.

-When did you marry him? If I may be so bold.

As soon as he learnt to cook, basically.

It took ten years of me insisting on eating out in restaurants and

eventually he took up cooking.

-DANNY:

-The problem is they don't do it in schools.

There's no point sending them out with Latin.

Everyone should turn out of school

knowing how to cook and look after themselves.

To be fair, Deborah's done all right, though.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

It is one of the basics.

Delia was given her first cookery column in

a national newspaper in 1969.

What went wrong with her first recipe for a Christmas cake?

Was there, like, a misprint so one of the ingredients was, like,

a different thing?

-RICHARD:

-Did it autocorrect the word "raisin" to "poison"?

It's got to do with a lack of ingredient rather than

the wrong weights or measures.

- No flour. - No icing.

-No.

-No raisins.

No... Well, currants.

She forgot to include the line, "put in the currants".

And a large amount of nuts...

wrote in to complain.

She received a sack of letters

asking what they should do with the leftover currants.

Still not the worst Christmas cake ever because that is this.

LAUGHTER

-DANNY:

-Special.

And of course, someone forgot to include

a line in that recipe saying,

"Don't make it look like a penis."

Now, if you've not got time

to source the full turkey and trimmings,

-try this - the chicken in the can.

-Oh, yeah.

-There it is.

Sweet Sue's Canned...

Is this your original food company?

Listen, I know it doesn't look great but, listen, give it a chance.

Give it a chance. Here we go.

GROANING

Well, if it tastes as good as it looks...

it's probably against the Geneva Convention.

What was it in?

A can.

Delia filmed many of her TV series at her house.

For the How To Cook series in 1999,

she didn't want the television crew to use her toilet.

How did this backfire?

Shit in her fridge.

Oh, no.

Well, obviously, someone did ones or twos

in a place she didn't want them to do it.

No, it isn't even that.

Oh, they didn't do threes?

No, it was something more to do with the mechanism of having to

bring in alternative facilities.

-So they put in a...

-A Portaloo, indeed.

-A Portaloo incident.

There was indeed. Now, let me tell you about this

particular Portaloo incident.

It was delivered for the production team to use,

sadly lowered into position

directly on top of one of Delia's cats,

-killing it... JOSH:

-Oh, no!

-..instantly.

They only discovered the mistake at the end of the series.

Now I'm worried they were trying to put the Portaloo

where the litter tray was.

It's a rum owner that puts a litter tray outside.

I find nature to be the best litter tray of all.

Do you really, Sue?

Outside that marquee at the Bake Off?

Always blame it on the chocolate sponge. So...

LAUGHTER

Someone's left their technical challenge all over the pathway.

APPLAUSE

Why did Delia feature on Watchdog?

Because they didn't allow her on Watchcat any more.

Oh, no.

Bravo. That's the one.

Her recipe for seafood risotto was deemed so bad

-that Watchdog intervened and investigated it.

-No!

-Yeah.

It was a Waitrose recipe.

The Watchdog team recreated the dish to sample it

and Anne Robinson was so disgusted

she almost managed to move her face.

Time now to try and win yourselves a Christmas Delia.

OK, this is your question.

What's Delia got in common with Father Christmas?

Do they get more letters at Christmas than anyone else?

It's not the volume.

You don't need to put the full address on for it to get there.

Absolutely right. Yes, they share that. Well done.

Well done.

You do not need to put an address on a letter for it to reach her.

If you write a letter to Delia Smith, Stowmarket,

it will reach her.

Now that sounds like an incitement.

The same as if you put "Father Christmas, North Pole".

Well done, Richard's team. You win the Christmas Delia.

APPLAUSE

Richard, it's your turn. Pick a Christmas name, if you will.

You've got...

a Christmas Royal, please, Sue.

All right, you've chosen Queen Elizabeth, the second of her name.

Let's have a look at one's stats.

LAUGHTER

It's Christmas Day, three in the afternoon,

everyone is comatose so it's time for the Queen's Speech.

Now, Sara, are you a regular watcher of the Queen's Speech?

I've never seen the Queen's Speech.

Never? AUDIENCE MURMUR

I know. Does that make me unpopular with the crowd?

I don't even know what time it was on until... Is it three o'clock?

-Three, yeah.

-I've never seen it.

-KATE:

-What are you doing at three o'clock?

Rowing.

LAUGHTER

All be long. We're busy arguing.

Deborah, how about you? Are you a fan of Her Maj?

I'm flabbergasted.

Do you know? Absolutely.

We watch the Queen's Speech every year without exception.

-And I don't just tune in, I stand up.

-You stand up?

-We all stand up.

-DANNY:

-No, you don't.

I nearly went like that when she actually came up on the screen..

SUE HUMS GOD SAVE THE QUEEN

Oh, stop it. I'm going to have to do it.

The first Christmas broadcast was made by George V in 1932.

Who wrote his speech?

I can see the actor.

-What, in The King's Speech, are you talking about?

-Yes, is that the one?

No, because there's difference between actors and real life.

Jeremy Rush.

Jeremy Rush?!

Was it someone like Noel Coward or a playwright?

-Not a playwright, more of a poet and writer.

-Oh.

-Rudyard Kipling.

-George Bernard Shaw.

Kipling it is. Yes.

It was 251 words long, aired live on Christmas Day,

lasted 3 minutes and reached an audience of 20 million

across the British Empire.

Indeed, written by Kipling, which of course is why at the end you

hear all the stuff about bear necessities.

The Queen made her first televised Christmas speech in 1957.

What interrupted the broadcast?

Was the sound of a flush and then the Duke of Edinburgh going,

"I'd give that ten minutes"?

It was actual interference.

An American police radio transmission.

Freak atmospheric conditions caused US police radio transmissions

to interfere with the broadcast

and at one point some listeners heard an officer say,

"Joe, I'm going to grab a quick coffee."

Who had to give the Queen fashion advice before

her 1988 Christmas speech?

Vivienne Westwood.

Not a designer.

Tim Westwood.

-Who wouldn't like to see that? DANNY:

-Boris.

No, a broadcaster.

David Attenborough.

Indeed. Our greatest ever broadcaster. Indeed, yes.

It fell to him to tell the Queen that the searing acid green outfit

she was wearing would not work on television as it was

too similar to the wallpaper in the background.

AS DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: I'm crouching here in the Queen's wardrobe...

When I was living in Deptford,

I went to get the Evening Standard one night and,

as I was coming up to the newsagent,

there's some traffic lights and an enormous car come up beside of us

and stopped at the traffic lights.

And I looked and there was the Queen, right?

And so I carried on walking and thought,

"That's... That's the Queen."

And then the car caught up with me and got stuck in the traffic

so there we were again and, as I'm mooching along,

we kept pace with each other for about 50 yards.

Sorry, the Queen was kerb crawling?!

And I looked at the Standard and the headline was,

"The Thames Barrier opened by the Queen."

It was one of those moments you thought,

"Is anybody around ever going to believe this?"

Wouldn't it be brilliant if this year's Queen's Speech was the Queen

saying, "I remember after I opened the Thames Barrier.

"You'll never guess who I saw. Danny Baker."

She watched Pets Win Prizes and she went, "I've met him."

How did Princess Anne cause tension during

the 2003 Christmas royal family celebration?

I believe there was a dog problem.

-Well, for "problem" read "murder".

-Whoa!

Absolutely. This was extraordinary.

When she arrived, Princess Anne, her bull terrier savaged one of

the Queen's favourite corgis...

to death.

As a safety precaution, Anne's dog was then given the muzzle that's

normally reserved for Prince Philip on foreign trips.

But did you know, it is illegal... It is illegal...

So when you all get invited to Sandringham for Christmas,

you must not take your dog with you if it is a particularly

amorous dog because if your dog tries to mate with one of

the royal dogs, that is treason and you could have to go to the Tower.

Let's try and encourage all of our dogs to have sex with the

Queen's corgis because they can't lock us all up.

Imagine your first night in Wormwood Scrubs and someone goes,

"What are you in for, mate?"

"Well, there's a story behind it..."

How does the Queen sign her Christmas cards?

Does she kiss them with lovely lipstick?

"Thank you so much for running Burundi all year."

She actually... It depends who you are.

She signs them in different ways.

Cousins, like the Gloucesters, have theirs signed "Lilibet".

Close friends get "Elizabeth".

Political figures such as the Prime Minister get a formal "Elizabeth R".

And Fergie gets a box with a corgi turd.

OK, it's time to try and win the Christmas Queen.

OK, this is your question. Now, as children,

what did Elizabeth and her sister Margaret do for Christmas each year?

Put on a play.

-They did put on a play.

-Oh!

-Straight off the bat.

-They did. They did a Christmas pantomime.

-Yeah.

Well done, Richard's team. Triumphant. Well done.

APPLAUSE

So time now to fire up our Christmassy fruit machine.

Our teams must match the extraordinary fact to the

extraordinary person and, as it's Christmas, we've loaded a variety

of names into our fruit machine but all with a Christmassy theme.

First up, Ivy's best friend.

Yeah, we've got three Hollies for you.

This morning presenter Holly Willoughby,

Frankie Goes To Hollywood front man Holly Johnson

and star of The Piano, Hollywood actress Holly Hunter.

The question is which of these Hollies once worked with

a rumpologist?

A rumpologist, of course - I don't need to tell you -

is someone who can tell the future from examining your arse.

-Tell the future?!

-The ancient craft of rumpologist, yes.

Just what's going to happen to you, though, not like the entire world.

-Right.

-Who do you think consults rumpologists?

I reckon it's Holly Hunter. Because she's a bit Hollywood, crazy.

Because you're always looking for the future in some kind of way.

I think Holly Johnson would've had a lot of jobs before

he was in Frankie Goes To Hollywood.

He could have taken tickets for the rumpologist, and the rumpologist

had a little booth, Holly Johnson could have been outside

-taking the tickets for him.

-Yes.

We're going to go with Holly Hunter.

LAUGHTER

You're going to go with Holly Hunter. All right. Richard's team.

Well, my instinct

is to go to Holly Johnson

because he would have a laugh

and he might've met people who said, "Yeah, there's this thing,

"you know, they look at your rear end."

-"Oh, I'll have a go at that."

-OK, we'll go with Holly Johnson.

Holly Johnson.

All right, let's see who's right.

ALL GROAN Holly Willoughby.

Of course, it was Holly Willoughby.

In November 2011, Holly met psychic Sam Amos, a rumpologist

who claims she can see someone's future by peering at their buttocks.

Of course, if you're appearing on national television sticking

your arse through a porthole, you really don't need to be

a psychic to know your career isn't going well.

Does anybody have an idea whose rump is being ologised?

Oh, no, not Phillip Schofield!

Please, no!

You know if you're in a submarine

and you saw that out one of the...

LAUGHTER

Oh, my God, if it is someone

who is on the panel tonight,

it's going to be so good.

Well, now you've slagged off my buttocks, let me show you...

Let's see who it is.

Let's have a look.

And I was saying with the right cheek, very... One of these

people that you would take as the heart and soul of the party.

-Heart and soul.

-Life and soul of the party.

-Yeah.

-OK, let's have a look.

-Round you come.

-I can't do it.

Is this person the life and soul of the party?

Who is it? Ooh!

LAUGHTER

-Who else could that bottom belong to? Biggins!

-Hello, darling!

What I love about that is he's sporting a poppy.

What could be more appropriate

to commemorate our beloved fallen?

No-one sadly gets the Holly there

so we move on to our next name.

This is the bird of Christmas.

Not turkey but Robin.

So here are three Robins.

First up, helium-voiced Bee Gee Robin Gibb,

Umbrella-ella-ella singer Rihanna AKA Robyn Rihanna Fenty,

and Dancing On Ice star Robin Cousins.

So the question is which of these Robins was an arsonist?

Your go to start first, Richard.

Robin Cousins, being an arsonist and being an ice skater,

those are two careers which don't go well together.

Maybe that's why he quit the arson, though.

Robin Gibb has been on the road

since he was about five.

They've been all their lives showbiz kids.

Maybe that's why he was never caught.

-Yeah.

-Perfect.

-Always in a new town.

That's why he was on the road.

-JOSH:

-Always the same two news stories.

"Great gig by the Bee Gees," and, "House burned down nearby."

No-one ever put two and two together.

No-one ever put two and two together!

They did have that song

that was like, "Ah, ah, ah, ah,"

like you'd burned yourself.

-OK, so?

-Let's say Robin Cousins.

-Yes.

-Robin Cousins, please.

Robin Cousins, the arsonist.

OK, Josh's team. Who do you think?

I think Rihanna.

She's got an edge to her, hasn't she?

Robin Gibb, now,

-he was in the Bee Gees.

-Yes.

It's like watching Sherlock Holmes.

See, I think Rihanna

is the obvious one to go for.

Yeah, so we should go...

Which kind of makes me feel like we should go for...

She grew up in Barbados so you'd set fire to things, maybe.

What, you think ...?

One Christmas she got a magnifying glass.

Next thing you know, Barbados has burned down.

We're going to go with Gibb.

You're going to go with Gibb. All right. Let's have a look.

The right answer is...

CHEERING

Well done. Robin's preferred method of fire starting

was to reflect light off Barry's teeth.

According to brother Maurice, Robin was the family arsonist.

He remembered...

Well done, Josh's team. You win the Robin, the Christmas Robin.

APPLAUSE

Right, let's play Finish The Fact.

I'll start by reading out a Christmas-based gem and you

buzz in when you think you know how it ends.

First up, we've got some nativity scenes.

BUZZER

A different ending where they all get together

and murder the selfish innkeeper.

BUZZER

Is it guys on mopeds shouting at your girlfriend?

It's actually a special figure called the caganer,

who is shown, what?

-Could I?

-Yes, you may. BUZZER

It's very much in keeping with Biggins earlier on.

Indeed it is. So what is the caganer doing?

Caganers show their rump.

They're rumpologists of the holiday season.

They are indeed and they are shown defecating.

Here's a traditional example.

He's in a corner of Delia Smith's house there, isn't he?

So the caganer is traditionally a figure of a Catalan peasant

but it can be anybody seen in the act of defecating.

Is that meant to symbolise that there were obviously

no loos in the time so everyone would go to the stables

if they wanted an indoor defecation experience

cos they didn't want to do it outside?

Do you call it a defecation experience?

I mean, you're making it sound like a theme park.

I can't wait to go to your theme park.

You must be this tall to go on the indoor defecation experience.

Put on your 3-D glasses.

Richard, you and your team win the nativity scene,

the Christmas nativity scene.

APPLAUSE

Next up, we've got punchy Portuguese football manager Jose Mourinho.

BELL

Because he just realised he wasn't actually the only Special One?

Oh, very good.

BELL

Is it because he thinks his players eat too much and don't do any

exercise and get very lazy?

No. BELL

-Deborah?

-Is it because his father was never around at Christmas?

His father's involved, actually.

The answer is in 1984, right in the middle of Christmas lunch,

his father did what?

BUZZER

Read the entire book 1984 aloud to everyone.

BUZZER

Did he send John Terry off and he'd done nothing?

-I know the answer to this.

-Do you?

Yeah, his dad was a football manager as well, wasn't he?

-Yes, he was.

-And his dad was sacked.

His dad was indeed sacked in the middle of Christmas lunch.

Well done.

The club then hired Sam Allardyce,

who was sacked halfway through Christmas pudding.

But congratulations. Well done, Josh.

You win Jose, the Christmas Jose.

So we come to the end of the show and I can tell you tonight's

winners with the most Christmas names collected...

Richard's team. APPLAUSE

Thank you.

And for our losers, it's grim but it's a genuine...

Chicken in a can.

Yeah.

Just like my momma used to chuck away!

There you go, my little elf.

My thanks to all of my guests and big thanks to you home for watching.

A massive happy Christmas to you all and we will be back with

a full series in the New Year. But, for now, thanks for watching.

Good night.