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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
WHISTLING AND CHEERING
Hello, you - and welcome to Insert Name Here,
the show where we discover surprising facts about people
with just one thing in common - they've all got the same name.
Joining me, six of my favourite people, who amazingly have names.
Please welcome Nish Kumar, Kate Williams
and their team captain, Josh Widdicombe,
and on the other side, Katherine Ryan, Gabby Logan
and their captain, Richard Osman.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH
Welcome, one and all.
Er, Nish, is Nish short for something?
Or is Nish a complete, full, unexpurgated name?
Yeah, my full name is Nishant Kumar,
which I think I'm increasingly going to go by, because I...
Like, my name in Sanskrit means "night's end".
It means, like, the daybreak, Nishant, which is lovely.
But then, earlier this year,
I was making a travel programme in Kenya
and I was with some guys from the Maasai,
and when they introduced me as Nish Kumar,
a couple of them started laughing and I was like,
clearly, they're familiar with my work.
I didn't realise I was one of the big Maasai comedians, right?
And later I found out that they were laughing because my name literally
translated in the Maasai dialect means, "no vagina".
-Which it, well, the thing is,
all the English-speaking crews started calling me "no vagina",
and it was like secondary school all over again, Sue.
I used to drive a Vauxhall Novagina.
And so to the all-important question,
which name will be featuring tonight?
They can be bakers, or cooks, thumbs, or tits.
Tonight's name is Tom.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
So, as you may have guessed,
we'll be talking about all kinds of Tom, Thomases,
Tommys and, who knows, maybe the odd Thomasina?
Along the way, teams will be collecting as many Toms as they can.
At the end of the show, the winning team will have the honour
of deciding who is officially the greatest Tom of all time.
Josh, any early thoughts as to who your great Tom might be?
So, I've got Tom Cruise...
TomTom, the founder of the satnav...
But I can't not go with Tom Widdicombe, my dad.
Oh, that's beautiful.
Is he going to come up tonight?
You know what that means in ancient Maasai?
Richard, any early thoughts on a Tom?
Well, he's literally gone through every single one of them.
He didn't mention Tom Jones.
You didn't mention Tom Jones, you're quite right,
-but I also have a family connection, as well.
-But that's not unusual.
Straight out the trap.
My grandad is a Thomas, so I'd probably say him,
but I'm also big fan of Tomasz Schafernaker, the BBC weatherman,
so it's tricky.
-One or the other.
-He's a prince amongst men.
-Isn't he just?
Anyway, let's get on with the show. We've got our favourite Toms.
Now it's time to pick a Tom, any Tom.
Our panellists choose a category.
Behind each category lurks a famous Tom,
which our teams must then attempt to win.
We have got an inventive Tom,
we've got a presidential Tom,
a Hollywood Tom
and a time-travelling Tom.
So, Josh, you're up first. Choose a category, if you will.
I think we'll go for Hollywood Tom.
Well, you have chosen star of Mission: Impossible and Top Gun,
-Yeah... What do you mean "Oh, no"?
He was one of your favourite Toms two minutes ago.
LAUGHTER You can turn on a sixpence.
-Let's have a look at Tom Cruise's stats.
No. He was actually born on the 3rd of July.
Tom Cruise, or to give him his full name,
Thomas Cruise Mapother IV,
is a multiple award-winning actor. Favourite films, anybody? Anyone...?
Favourite? Er, Shawshank Redemption's my favourite.
Shame, shame he never featured.
-Oh, favourite Tom Cruise film?
Which cartoon character was modelled on Tom Cruise?
-I'm thinking Disney.
-Think flying carpet.
-Indeed it was Aladdin.
Yeah, it was. Hence the famous scene where Aladdin
jumps up and down on a sofa,
shouting about how much he loves Princess Jasmine.
This is the whitewashing of Hollywood.
Aladdin should be modelled on somebody like Nish.
-Yeah, exactly. I'm a classic Aladdin.
And, do you know what? In ten years, when it all goes wrong,
you will be at the Theatre Royal Norwich.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Cruise also inspired another screen role other than Aladdin.
Has anyone got any guesses...?
Compo, Last Of The Summer Wine.
Think serial killer in the United States.
-It's not Hannibal...
Christian Bale's character, Patrick Bateman, in American Psycho.
The story went that Bale was struggling to prepare for the role,
until he noticed "Cruise's intense friendliness
"with nothing behind the eyes".
Which is basically like Piers Morgan,
but without the intense friendliness. LAUGHTER
-And then Christian Bale has got to bump into Tom Cruise
after he's publicly said that at Hollywood get-togethers.
But you can't hurt someone who's got nothing behind the eyes.
Tom Cruise cannot break, so he'll still be like,
"Hey, how are you?" It'll be fine.
You can say whatever you want about Tom. We're doing it now.
-I could be auditioned to be his next wife.
-Would you marry him, if you had the opportunity?
It'd be fun, right?
I would sooner marry Tom Cruise than a real person that I loved.
Erm, Tom Cruise has had many things,
many things named in his honour.
Do any spring to mind?
Not named after him but, yeah, I'll give you that, yeah.
Is there a national day in Japan?
-There is indeed...
-Of course there is.
..a day named after him. This is the 10th of October.
The Japan Memorial Day Association
awarded Cruise his own day in 2006 to mark the fact
that Thomas made more visits to the Far East
than any other Western actor.
It's not public, they don't have the day off, do they?
No, a celebration.
-Like pancake day.
-Over there, they call it Shrove Cruise Day.
He's got a law named after him. The so-called Tom Cruise Law
was campaigned for by doctors after Tom Cruise bought his own
ultrasound machine during Katie Holmes's pregnancy.
The law basically bans non-medical personnel
from buying their own ultrasound devices for fear of misuse.
You can imagine him saying, "Shall we watch telly tonight, Katie,
"or just the inside of your womb again?"
Whoa! There's no way he bought that for that.
There's definitely... You're just going, "Shall we do your balls?"
I like how that's the first thing you think about.
If there was an ultrasound machine here,
straight on Nish's balls.
And it would say "no vagina".
Tom is a genuine adrenaline junkie.
He once sat on top of the world's tallest building,
the Burj Khalifa tower, in Dubai.
Imagine being so insecure about your height
that you've got to do something like that.
What did he do when he was up there? Let's ask the question.
-What did he do?
-Definitely...had a wank.
Are you saying he went to the top of a big building
-and tossed himself off?
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
So he actually graffitied when he was up there.
-He's such a bell, isn't he?
OK, listen, time to play for...the Tom.
We're going to focus on Tom's celebrity lifestyle for this one.
So what did Tom ask Will Smith and his wife Jada
to play in his mansion?
-It's not Twister.
Is it hide and seek?
It is hide and seek!
This was during a gathering at Cruise's house.
Cruise's former friend and actress Leah Remini,
who was also there, had to explain she couldn't play
cos she was wearing five-inch stilettos.
Cruise replied, "Good, so you're it, then!"
And then ran off to hide in his three-acre garden.
Well done, Katherine, you and Richard's team win the Tom.
Right, Richard, your turn. Time to pick a Tom.
Can we have Inventive Tom, please, Sue?
And you have chosen America's greatest inventor.
He's electric. It's Thomas Edison.
Let's have a look at his stats...
Probably the most famous of Edison's inventions
was the light bulb. Strictly speaking,
it was an improved version of the incandescent bulb,
using a carbon filament.
How has the light bulb made our lives worse?
Is it because we extend the day so long now
-due to the light bulb that we don't live according to the natural rhythms...
..so awake longer, it's not always good for us.
That's absolutely right. We used to sleep ten hours a night.
Thanks to artificial light, we now only average 6.9 hours
and 7.5 at weekends.
But on the plus side, we have clawed back the two hours
we used to spend lighting candles.
Does anybody know what Edison's connection with Pele is?
-Yeah, his name is...
His parents chose it in honour of the town's new electricity supply.
In the same way my nephew's called Sky Plus.
Oh, my niece is Sky Cube.
How did you get a job with Thomas Edison?
What would he make you do?
Did he...? It was a series of ten tasks over weeks.
He'd split into two teams of men and women,
and then at the end, they'd choose a twat.
You had to eat... It's a very strange one, this one.
You probably won't... You had to eat a bowl of soup, OK?
And if you seasoned it before you tasted it,
-you didn't get the job.
-I am with him on that.
-What a weird job interview. Where you go in,
and there's a bowl of soup.
I think I would say, "I'm fine, thanks."
-Yeah, I'm quite...
"This is a business environment, I should probably...
"I'm actually very experienced
"in the world of light bulb manufacturing.
"We can just discuss my CV."
But anyway, if they adulterated it, if they seasoned it,
they wouldn't get the job.
And if they did, you just went for it, then maybe.
And then, and only then,
would it go to a white middle-class man from Oxbridge.
Edison's self-imposed quota was one minor invention every ten days
and a major invention every six months.
Anybody here invented anything?
-What the actual?
It's technically not an invention, it's been invented kind of,
but not in this form.
-I'm really hoping it's Reggae Reggae sauce.
So I've felt for a long time that horns in cars
don't tell the full story. Sometimes...
-What stories do you want them to tell?
when you're driving along and you want to acknowledge something nice,
or catch the attention of someone you like,
or let somebody in, the angry horn,
that doesn't work in those environments, does it?
So I would like two horns. The happy horn, which comes on...
UPBEAT HORN SOUND
That was really good.
Can I ask what you mean by "acknowledge something nice"?
-You know if you're behind someone at the lights,
and it changes... There's two ways of doing this. You could say,
"You're an idiot, cos you haven't spotted it,"
or it would say, "Like me, you've taken your eyes off it, but look, it's green."
-And then you press Gabby's happy horn.
I'd be careful with your marketing of Gabby's happy horn.
-It could sell.
-I know what I'm doing.
It might get more search mentions, so that's...
I want a bag of sweets that's half Maltesers and half Minstrels,
that's what I want to do. And not Revels, because...
But just Maltesers and Minstrels, called Maltinstrels.
And I have written to them a number of times, and nothing so far.
Would it be too much to ask you to buy two bags
-and put them together in a Ziploc?
-Do you know what? Would it be
too much to ask you to just press your horn a bit differently?
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
There's a lot of, yeah... We've got some surprising tension.
Edison's inventions were successful, mind you.
In 1880, he designed a prototype helicopter.
How was it powered?
Just by dreams.
-Bicycle, bike pedals.
-Much more dangerous than that.
-I'll give you that, it was gunpowder.
It was a gunpowder...
..helicopter. It used an early form of combustion engine,
driven by a highly explosive type of gunpowder
called guncotton, which exploded and destroyed
part of his laboratory. But on the plus side, at least some of it
went straight up in the air.
Luckily, he had a safety feature installed,
the gas-operated fire extinguisher.
Time now to play for the Tom.
Thomas Edison was lifelong pals with Henry Ford.
Ford had a memento of Edison in his office.
Something to do with bodily function. What was it?
-Did he have a tooth?
-Close to saliva.
-In a jar, his breath, like...
-You got it, Katherine, his breath.
-His final breath.
-His final breath?!
-His final breath.
-How can you...?
-His last breath, if not his final one.
-But also, to get his final one,
given he wouldn't have known what was going to be the final one,
he must have held that over his mouth for a really long time.
-I suspect that's what killed him.
Congratulations, Richard's team, you win the Tom.
There's plenty to play for, guys, plenty to play for.
Right, Joshy, it's your turn to pick a Tom.
Let's go for time-travelling Tom.
Right, you've chosen time-travelling actor and fourth Doctor Who,
Yeah, let's have a look at his stats.
Doctor Who's age, 2,100.
Doctor Who's sex, variable!
Tom Baker is the longest-serving Doctor Who,
clocking up 71 hours and 37 minutes in all his regular episodes.
Tom grew up in wartime Liverpool, describing it as a happy time.
"It was fantastic," he said...
What did he do after he left school at 15?
Joined the Nazi Party?
He did join something.
Did he find a phone box and then leave school at 12?
No, it was something a little bit more spiritual than that.
-He trained to be a monk, did he?
-He did indeed.
He effectively travelled back in time 1,000 years
and became a monk in Jersey, yeah.
Towards the end of his time at the monastery,
how did he fall out with the other monks?
Did Tom Baker sneak in babes into the monastery?
No, it wasn't, sort of, lady-related,
he was trying to, erm...
trying to cause digestive harm to them.
Putting laxatives in their food?
He was putting something in their food, yeah.
He laced their soup with rabbit droppings in what he describes as a
"not-too-serious attempt to poison the lot of them."
All the monks thought it was horrible,
apart from Brother Bear Grylls.
In 1974, Baker was working on a building site when he heard he had
been cast as Doctor Who. Here he is, towering over his co-workers.
-Why is Fred West on the far right?
-And also, why is he the good guy in that?
Tom played the Doctor from '74 to '81,
one of the show's most popular periods.
What was unusual about the cast in the classic 1977 adventure,
The Talons Of Weng-Chiang?
Potentially Chinese or Oriental.
Yes, what could possibly go wrong with that set-up?
-None of them were Chinese or Oriental?
None of them were Chinese or, yeah,
they were played largely by white actors.
Here's Li H'sen Chang played by John Bennett.
-There he is.
It's ridiculous, isn't it?
I mean, couldn't a white woman have played that part?
Doctor Who has featured some terrifying monsters,
so get ready to hide behind the sofa.
The Androids Of Tara featured the Taran wood beast!
-That's, like, an evil Ewok.
It's a shame that the mask had melted on the radiator overnight.
And then my favourite, Erato, the creature from the pit.
Best, I think, enjoyed in clip form.
Is this the ultrasound? This is the ultrasound, yeah.
-Isn't that extraordinary?
Does anybody know how Doctor Who communicated with this creature?
Yeah, you really want to know. Let me tell you. Let's have a look.
No, no, no.
So big when it was coming at him, wasn't it?
Like, face size, and then it was this big.
Yeah, it's a bit colder in that bit of the cave.
Does anybody have any phobias, generally?
I'm afraid of sponge.
In a previous job, you would have been an absolute nightmare for me.
So, hang on...
Cake sponge or sea sponge?
I don't mind a sea sponge, can cope with that.
I can cope with a sea sponge.
You can't cope with a cake sponge?
I don't mind a cake sponge,
but sometimes when you sit down in a chair,
the sponge is exposed, and I can cope with a bath sponge...
Oh, God, this is very deep, isn't it?
You can cope with a bath sponge and a sea sponge and a cake sponge.
-I think that's all the sponges.
I have actually been handed a foam mattress when I was at a sleepover
when I was a teenager, and it was so awful,
my mum had to come and pick me up. It was so awful.
I tried to keep it to myself
cos I knew everyone would laugh at me.
Josh, that's really bad from you!
OK, listen, it's time to play for the Tom.
Baker recently revealed he'd made an unusual purchase.
Does anybody know what it was?
It's second hand and he hasn't used it yet.
Oh, is it an ultrasound?
-Oh, is it a coffin?
-It's related to a coffin, I'll give you that.
-It's a gravestone, yeah, it's a gravestone.
He's bought his own gravestone. It's, more accurately,
the gravestone which he intends to be his own.
He told the Independent,
"It's a very old second-hand one I bought for myself.
"Now, in glorious, bold top billing, it reads 'Tom Baker 1934- .'"
Well done, Richard, congratulations, you win the Tom.
Time now to fire up the Tom-flavoured fruit machine.
Each time I spin, up will pop three of my favourite Toms.
Our team must match the extraordinary fact
to the extraordinary Tom,
and also a chance to unearth more candidates
for the greatest Tom of all time. Let's spin.
So, you have got diving nearly-man, Tom Daley,
all-American sports star, Tom Brady,
and... SHE PURRS
Magnum PI, Tom Selleck.
Josh's team, first, which Tom persuaded Kate Moss
to pose for a photo shoot?
Tom Brady is married to Gisele, who is a model.
But, I mean, if you're Gisele and your husband goes,
"Can we get Kate Moss round to do bit of modelling?"
I mean, that's a divorce, surely.
I don't know much about Selleck.
I know he has a moustache
and that he was famously very poor at doing up buttons.
Those are the two key Selleck facts.
So, if I was to push you for an answer?
I sort of think Brady, there's some sort of weird...
-There's a Gisele link.
-We might as well go...
Yeah, it's the only link we can think of.
-So, you're going to go for Tom Brady?
All right, that's your choice. Richard, where would you tend to...?
I once had to pick Tom Daley up from school when he was 14.
-Here we go.
Then take him back to his house.
-Did he seem persuasive?
-He was very, very persuasive.
Did he ask you to take any photos?
No, but he did make me sit on his bed and hold his lucky monkey.
We can't go through this again.
We can't go through this, he can't weather a storm like this.
And he said, "Sit down." So I sat on the bed.
He said, "Oh, that's my lucky monkey," and he gave me it to hold.
At that point, I had looked at the camera crew, or the cameraman...
Oh, right, sorry there was a camera crew.
-I just thought it was an event in your life.
-It did feel a bit strange.
-Are the BBC not paying you properly?
-Do we think it's Tom Daley?
-Is that what we think?
-Tom Daley seems persuasive to me.
-We're going to say Tom Daley.
-Let's have a look.
-Tom Daley is absolutely right.
He met Kate Moss at a publicity event and asked her if she would
pose for a photo shoot for his GCSE photography course work.
And she agreed.
Congratulations, Richard's team, you win the Tom.
Let's bring up three more Toms. What have we got?
Turner & Hooch star, Tom Hanks,
misunderstood singer, Thom Yorke,
and Cannon and Ball star Tommy Cannon.
As a child, which Tom had a poster on their wall
showing the impact crumple zones on a Volvo?
-Richard, what do you think?
I love that if Tom Hanks is watching this, he'll go,
"Oh, I'm Turner & Hooch star, am I?
"That's who I am in England?"
I would have thought that Tommy Cannon, with respect to him...
This is as a child?
-As a child.
-I wonder if Volvos were over here at that stage.
-I was thinking whether posters had been invented by then.
When do you think posters were invented?
Like Blu Tack. I bet Tommy Cannon's older than Blu Tack.
-Oh, now that's a show!
Thom Yorke, do you think?
He's notorious for being a little bit odd.
It feels like he might have a...
-Yeah, we're going to say Thom Yorke, please.
You're going to say Thom Yorke, the genius of Thom Yorke.
And Josh's team?
Tom Hanks... Is he older than Copydex?
Here's Joe Pasquale, here's a Pritt Stick.
As always, just one question.
See you after the break.
I agree with their view that Tommy Cannon predates the poster.
-Let's go Hanks.
You're going Hanks. All right, let's see...
Bobby Ball's watching this as well. Bobby Ball's wife is going,
"There's sort of a picture of you on television."
"But I wouldn't come down from the loft."
Put the whole dog on, that's fine.
All right, so you've said Yorke. You've said Hanks.
Let's see what the right answer is.
-Congratulations, then. Richard's team, you win the Tom.
We're cruising, we're cruising.
Right, everybody, let's now play Finish The Fact.
I'm going to start by reading out a Tom-based gem.
You buzz in when you think you know how it ends.
First of all, screen hunk Tom Hiddleston.
One of Tom Hiddleston's first professional appearances was in...?
-It was midfield for Tottenham Hotspur.
Was it in Mr Blobby?
It wouldn't surprise you, would it? Someone was in there.
Was it in a mirror, and then another mirror, and then another mirror,
and then another mirror?
It was actually Casualty, playing a window cleaner
who causes an accident by...?
Is it banana skin near a mousetrap factory?
-And if it is, can we watch the clip?
-Was it an accident by a window?
Yes, it was an accident by a window.
He knocked a woman over a balcony whilst abseiling.
Let's see Tom in action, shall we?
-Textbook, textbook Casualty.
-Quite extraordinary, isn't it?
That woman can't come to the phone right now.
Why? Because she's dead.
Sadly, no-one won that.
I would have been actually, sort of,
deeply impressed if you'd known what that was about.
Next up, it's a good one for you, Josh - it's Thomas The Tank Engine.
-Oh! I'll know this.
-In the third Thomas The Tank Engine story,
Henry refuses to emerge from a tunnel because...
-Hates the French.
It's actually, it's...
one of the later episodes, they've run out of storylines.
Was he just not ready for another regional accent?
He was actually afraid that the rain would spoil his new paintwork.
And so, the Fat Controller orders...
-It's not, like, a bus replacement service?
I know it - does he make him live in the tunnel forever?
-He says, "Never come out."
-Yes, he does.
Henry has to be bricked up in the tunnel forever.
-This is, like, Room for trains.
It was adapted for TV.
The Fat Controller tells Henry, "We shall take away your rails."
And Thomas and the other engines pass by saying things like,
"Serves you right."
You see the next one where they try to lighten the mood
with an episode called Thomas Hits A Cow In A Siding.
You know that picture there?
-That's where Donald Trump got the idea.
Well done, well done, Katherine, you win that for Richard's team.
Right, we've come to the end of the show,
and I can now tell you that tonight's winners
with the most Toms...
So, very big moment now, Richard.
Who are you going to nominate as the greatest Tom of all time?
I think it would have to be, of the ones we've seen tonight,
I think probably Thomas Edison for inventing the light bulb,
which is really, really helpful,
as long as you make sure you turn your lights off
and get enough sleep.
Only you could make that sentiment sinister. I really enjoyed that.
Don't have nightmares.
That is a truly worthy choice,
let's put him on the Insert Name Here Hall of Fame.
Up he goes, joining those who made it from the last series.
I hereby declare that Thomas Edison is the greatest Tom of all time.
Many thanks to all our guests.
Special thanks to all the Toms here, there, and everywhere,
but, most of all, a big thanks to you at home for watching. Goodnight.
Sue Perkins presents the third series of the comedy panel show all about famous people, past and present, who have just one thing in common: they share the same first name.
Our host invites two teams, headed up by captains Richard Osman and Josh Widdicombe, to battle it out, answering questions and competing to earn the right, at the end of the game, to decide the greatest ever bearer of that week's name.
In this series opener Josh Widdicombe is joined by Nish Kumar and historian Kate Williams, while Richard Osman is joined by Katherine Ryan and Gabby Logan. Cue lots of comic banter, funny facts and unusual stats as the two teams vie to outdo one another.