The Devil of Christmas Inside No. 9


The Devil of Christmas

Seasonal special of Steve Pemberton and Reece Shearsmith's anthology of comedy dramas. Austria, Krampusnacht 1977. Who has been good and who has been bad this Christmas?


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Transcript


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Part one, take one.

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In five, four, three...

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WIND WHISTLES

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FOREBODING MUSIC PLAYS

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Please come, it's warm inside.

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I have already made a fire for you.

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Oh! That's better.

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Toby, be a dear and shut the door,

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otherwise we'll all catch our deaths.

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What a gloomy thought, catch our deaths.

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Yes, Mummy, we're here for a two-week holiday, let's keep things jolly, eh?

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I shouldn't worry about it, it's only a saying.

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Though it is rather dim in here.

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Here, let me.

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-Oh!

-It looks bigger than it did in the brochure.

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Well, better that than the other way round.

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Do you remember that awful hotel we stayed in in Greece?

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It wasn't so bad, I rather liked it,

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though as I recall the local tipple was fairly wretched.

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THEY GIGGLE

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Do you remember it, Cathy?

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No, I wasn't married to Julian then,

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it must have been when Elizabeth was still alive.

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How are you feeling, darling?

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That pilot gave us one hell of a bumpy landing.

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-Fine. I'm fine.

-Well, no skiing for you, not in your condition.

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We'll have the slopes all to ourselves, won't we, Toby?

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I'm not sure I want to ski.

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Boring.

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Toby, your father went to a lot of trouble to book this holiday,

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you really ought not to be so ungrateful.

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You spoil him, Cathy.

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All these treats and indulgences.

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You're getting him used to having his own way.

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-There, I've said it.

-Please, Mummy, let's not argue,

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we've only just arrived.

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Here, some refreshment for you.

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This is gluhwein, traditional Austrian drink.

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Oh, good, I'm parched.

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Lovely. Danke schoen.

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Sorry, no wine for you, darling.

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It's fine, I'm not thirsty, anyway.

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We need rest and plenty of it. Doctor's orders, remember?

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I will, I'll have plenty of rest and do nothing at all.

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-Well, there's a surprise.

-It's perfect.

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-Absolutely perfect.

-You're not too angry I invited Mummy?

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It's your money, darling, I can't tell you how to spend it.

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Eurgh!

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Toby? What is it?

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Horrible picture.

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Good grief, the Devil of Christmas.

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What's all this about, then, Claus?

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Krampus. This is a local legend.

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DIRECTOR: 'Oh, I just want to point out a continuity error,

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can we whizz it back?

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-'OK.

-It's just occurred to me now, seeing the Krampus picture,

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'but if you look by the front door as they all troop in,

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'there it is again, see?

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'Oh, yeah. Sorry, could you just introduce yourself so people know who you are?'

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'Oh, yes, I'm Dennis Fulcher, and I was the director of this piece.

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'Now, see, what happened was we started filming when we noticed

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'up in the gallery that the painting

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'had been set in the wrong place by the bloody art department.

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'Luckily, it was a long scene so I sent a stagehand down to move it.

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'See? There it is.

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'And, as Celia crosses over, it's gone.

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'Oh, yeah, I never noticed.

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'No, people don't.

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'Meanwhile, the stagehand is creeping round

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'to rehang it above the fireplace.

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'You can see here that the little boy was a bit distracted.

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'Look at the way he's looking.

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'But, otherwise, I think we got away with it.

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'And this was all filmed in one day?

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'Yes, one day. Three cameras.

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'Unless someone bumps into the furniture you would just carry on.

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'They film Doctors in much the same way even now.'

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..must have been when Elizabeth was still alive.

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How are you feeling, darling?

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'The whole pregnancy thing was my idea.

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'I thought it would tee up the ending.

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'If you sense there was something INSIDE Cathy making it more poignant

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'in a way.'

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I'm not sure I want to ski.

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-Boring.

-Toby, your father went to a lot of trouble to book this holiday.

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You really ought not to be so ungrateful.

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'Nancy there, looking for her mark, her eyes were going by this stage.

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'Bless her.

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-'Nancy?

-Nancy Mason, dead now, of course.'

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..Let's not argue.

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We've only just arrived.

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Here, some refreshment for you.

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'Oh, look at that, three glasses of watered-down Ribena.

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'Terrible!

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'I very nearly didn't do this film.

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'But there was so little work around I felt I couldn't say no.

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'The week before I'd had a meeting about Worzel Gummidge,

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'but Pertwee had his favourites, I knew that from Who.

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'Can we spin it on a bit?

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'Say when.'

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'There. You see?

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'It's finally in the right place.'

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The 6th of December is Saint Nicholas Day.

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Saint Nicholas brings treats for the good boys and girls, but...

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'Ralph Cosgrove, lovely actor,

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'always thought he had a Prospero in him, but I don't think he ever pursued it.'

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Here he is, in the clutch of the Krampus,

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even the most unholy child

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will promise to turn from his wicked ways.

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We had a nanny rather like that.

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Oh, Julian, don't exaggerate.

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So, he is the dark side of Santa Claus, a sort of Jekyll & Hyde?

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The Krampus walks the streets for three nights.

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If you hear the cowbells you will know he is close by.

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On the first night, if you have been bad,

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you will find a switch in your shoe.

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Like a light switch?

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No, Toby, a switch is a rod or a twig used for whipping horses.

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Or naughty little boys.

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It is a warning to mend your manners. On the second night,

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if you're still bad, the Krampus will leave his mark upon you.

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You will wake up with scratches

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where he has visited you in the night.

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And on the third night, my God,

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if you're still not mended,

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he will come for you.

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'It goes on a bit, this speech.'

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..stuffed into his sack and put down into the flames of hell.

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Typical Friday night in Berkhamsted, hey, Mummy?

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-Oh!

-His eyes, something about his eyes,

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like he knows something.

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Everything.

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FIRE CRACKLES

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-Oh!

-Well, I think we'll stick with good old Father Christmas

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if it's all the same with you, Klaus.

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Now, come on, everybody, let's go and unpack.

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Come on, darling.

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Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray the Lord my soul to keep.

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If I shall die before I wake, I pray the Lord my soul to take.

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Amen.

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Good boy, Toby.

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Sleep well.

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I'm not tired.

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Try and rest. You need your energy for all that skiing tomorrow.

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Toby, what's this?

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-What?

-Your boots.

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What are they doing out there?

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I left them out for Krampus.

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What?

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Klaus said if you have been a good boy Saint Nicholas will come

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and leave coins and sweets in your shoes, or presents in your sack...

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'Not the best actor in the world,

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'but very hard to find a good child

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'given the subject matter of the film.'

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..Darling, Krampus isn't real.

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It's just a story.

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And Santa?

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Go to sleep.

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-Oh!

-Everything all right, darling?

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You look like you've seen a ghost.

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Oh, it's nothing, all these myths and legends,

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I don't like that man coming in here scaring Toby like that.

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I'd say it's not Toby who's scared.

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You're shaking like a leaf.

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-Come to bed.

-All right, I will.

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Well, don't look at me, I didn't put it there.

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Well, somebody did.

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Poor Toby hasn't stopped crying all morning.

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-Where is he now?

-Klaus took Cathy and he to the village

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to get a cup of hot chocolate.

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Oh, well, that ought to cheer him up.

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Just a bunch of old twigs, anyhow.

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Maybe it was one of the locals trying to scare the gullible tourists and keep us entertained.

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Yes, maybe, or perhaps...

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Perhaps what?

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-Oh, nothing.

-No, go on, spit it out.

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Perhaps Cathy put them there herself.

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Why on earth would she do that?

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Oh, Julian, you know what I think.

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Toby reminds Cathy of your first wife and she resents him for it.

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Don't be ridiculous.

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It's true.

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It wouldn't surprise me

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if Cathy hadn't put those sticks there herself...

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'Nancy overshot her mark again.

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'She wouldn't wear glasses, said they were wrong for the character.

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'But Brian saved the day, look.

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'Oh, yeah.'

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I don't trust her. Disappearing for days on end.

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And if she doesn't want to fulfil her wifely duties, well, then,

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maybe you should move on.

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I've no intention of divorcing Cathy, Mummy.

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I love her and she loves me. And if you don't like that

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you can get the next plane home to Berkhamsted.

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Fine. But you know what Klaus said.

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Those sticks are a warning.

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Rubbish. And you know what we do with rubbish.

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-WOMAN:

-Ralph, can we just see the plate in for a moment?

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'That's great, thank you.

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'OK, quiet on the floor, please,

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'there was a lot of noise on that last take.

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'Here we go.

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'In five, four, three...'

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And then Klaus showed us how they train the reindeer,

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and then we went on a husky ride through the snow.

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You certainly seem to have had a busy day.

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Can I have a husky, Father?

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I don't think so.

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-Please.

-Don't pester your father, Toby.

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Off you go to bed, now, I'll be up in a moment.

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Goodnight.

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Thank you, Klaus. I had a lovely day.

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Oh, you are welcome, master Toby, schlaf gut.

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Don't forget your sack.

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Today is the 6th of December, the feast of Saint Nicholas.

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'Actors hate doing eating scenes.

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'Why's that?

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'They've got to remember their continuity, the food is cold,

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'so you'll notice here, nobody eats a thing.'

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Not according to the Krampus.

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Mummy, don't start on about that again.

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No, no, it's fine, I've worked out what happened.

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Oh, pray tell.

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Darling, do you remember that time just after we'd moved into

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the new house, you heard a noise downstairs and found Toby

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in front of an open fridge drinking milk from the bottle

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and eating an onion as if it were an apple?

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Yes, but that was just sleepwalking,

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the doctor said he was unsettled because of the move.

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Exactly. And that's just what happened last night.

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Klaus put those silly stories into his head...

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Sorry, Klaus, and, and he put the switch there himself

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into his own boot.

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Sleepwalking? What a terribly convenient explanation.

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It is what happened, I'm sure of it!

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All right, darling, don't upset yourself.

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Remember what the doctor said, we must have peace and calm.

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But Toby was happy today, like he didn't have a care in the world.

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That's right, isn't it, Klaus?

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Master Toby is a good boy.

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The Krampus will not return.

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Hear hear.

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This food is delicious, by the way, any chance of seconds?

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'And cut. Thank you.'

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DOOR CREAKS

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WIND WHISTLES

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COW BELLS CHIME

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Toby, where have you been?

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You scared Granny.

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I couldn't sleep, I heard a noise.

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Get back into bed at once.

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I've been a good boy, Granny, I know I have,

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Saint Nicholas has left me some presents.

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Oh!

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Get back into bed at once.

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'Mini fluff there.'

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There.

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Creeping around like that in the middle of the night.

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Sorry, Granny.

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Night-night.

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CREAKING

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HE HUMS A CAROL

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SCREAM

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What is it?

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What's wrong?

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Look.

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My God.

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Toby, what happened?

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I don't know.

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I woke up this morning and they were there.

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I thought I'd been good.

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We can't put this down to sleepwalking.

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No, it's Krampus.

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It's the second night and he's left his mark,

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exactly as Klaus said he would, just as in the legend.

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Cathy, calm down, you mustn't excite yourself.

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But it's all coming true,

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and if what Klaus says is right then tomorrow night he'll take Toby away.

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Oh, please, don't let him.

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All right, that's enough! Can't you see you're scaring the boy?

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Toby, get dressed. We're leaving.

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-WOMAN OFF SCREEN:

-Brian, Dennis is asking for the last line again,

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but even angrier, please.

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OK.

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Can't you see you're scaring the boy?

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Toby, get dressed. We're leaving.

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'Great, we bought that. Thank you.'

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Only two seats left?

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All right, let me call you back.

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Well, looks like we're not going anywhere.

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But we've got to DO something.

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-Toby's in danger.

-There's nothing we can do.

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I'll take him.

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I've already packed my suitcase.

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I think it might be for the best to get Toby away from...

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What? Say it.

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From me, you think I did this, don't you?

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She didn't say that, Cathy.

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No, but she thinks it.

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You've been under a lot of strain recently.

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So have you, Julian.

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Remember, this holiday was not just about Cathy.

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Could it be possible that you accidentally made those marks on

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the boy when you were getting him dressed, not deliberately, but...

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Why would I? Why would I hurt my own son?

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He is not YOUR son.

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Book those tickets, Julian.

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I shall see you both in a week's time.

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'And she ran out of stairs.'

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'And this always annoys me,

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'empty suitcases, light as a feather.'

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I have brought up children of my own, you know?

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All right, Mummy, don't start.

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'Why are they all in a line?

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'Oh, you noticed that, did you?

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'Well, it's a casualty of having no time.

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'I had to get it all in one shot.

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'I don't think it looks too bad.

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'I was happy with that snow.'

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THUNDER RUMBLES

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'And it's cold...'

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SHE SHIVERS

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'And here we are, coming into the denouement.

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'I knew we were losing Brian at six o'clock.

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'He had a voice-over for Findus, or something

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'so he was keen to get away early.

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'Yeah, you can practically see the pound signs in his eyes.

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'He was definitely rushing through the scene.'

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..Besides, Toby likes a bit of turbulence,

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he says it is like being on a ride at the fairground.

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-Yes, but what if...

-Yes, what is it, darling?

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Say what's on your mind.

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Well, I was just thinking...

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'Penny was being deliberately slow here,

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'I think she was on to him about the advert.'

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We've sent Toby and your mother away with that man, Klaus,

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and we don't know the first thing about him.

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Of course we do, he's the caretaker, he runs this place,

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how else would he have the keys?

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He could've...I don't know,

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rented the place from the real owners

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and pretended to be the caretaker.

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Why on earth would he do that? It makes no sense.

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Now, come on, it's been a long day,

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get into bed and I'll turn out the light.

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LIGHTNING CRACKLES

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Brush my hair for me, Julian.

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You know I've never liked thunder.

0:20:110:20:13

Of course.

0:20:130:20:15

I'm being silly, I know.

0:20:200:20:22

Toby and your mother will be fine, won't they?

0:20:220:20:24

I just got carried away by that silly Krampus story.

0:20:240:20:27

That's right, darling, I told you before,

0:20:270:20:30

there's absolutely no such thing as...

0:20:300:20:33

CREAKING

0:20:330:20:34

Julian, what is it?

0:20:340:20:37

Nothing.

0:20:370:20:39

There is something, I can tell.

0:20:390:20:41

Your back, it's covered in scratches.

0:20:430:20:45

It's the Krampus.

0:20:500:20:52

He's coming for me?

0:20:520:20:54

But that's impossible.

0:20:540:20:55

My shoes. The wardrobe.

0:20:570:21:00

-No!

-It's true, I told you!

0:21:040:21:06

But it makes no sense, the Krampus only comes for children,

0:21:060:21:09

the legend says so.

0:21:090:21:11

Julian... I'm pregnant.

0:21:110:21:13

CRASHING

0:21:130:21:15

-Oh!

-Wait there.

0:21:150:21:18

WIND WHISTLES

0:21:220:21:24

CRASHING

0:21:240:21:26

It was just a branch. The storm must have blown it in.

0:21:420:21:45

You get back to bed, I'm going to lock all the doors.

0:21:470:21:51

Real or not, Krampus isn't getting in here tonight.

0:21:510:21:54

THUNDER RUMBLES

0:21:560:21:58

TICKING

0:22:040:22:06

TICKING STOPS

0:22:100:22:12

Cathy.

0:22:140:22:16

Darling?

0:22:290:22:30

Everything all right?

0:22:300:22:32

Come back to bed, you'll catch your death.

0:22:340:22:37

There's that expression again.

0:22:370:22:40

Catch your death.

0:22:400:22:41

Is something wrong?

0:22:420:22:43

Yes, I understand now,

0:22:430:22:47

you said the Krampus only comes for children,

0:22:470:22:51

and I'm pregnant.

0:22:510:22:53

Yes?

0:22:530:22:54

But that's not all, is it?

0:22:560:22:58

He only comes for the bad children.

0:22:580:23:01

What are you getting at?

0:23:010:23:03

There's something I haven't told you.

0:23:040:23:07

Something about this child.

0:23:070:23:09

PHONE RINGS

0:23:090:23:11

Hello.

0:23:140:23:15

Oh, Mummy, you got home safe.

0:23:150:23:18

Toby all right? ..Good.

0:23:180:23:20

Thanks for letting me know.

0:23:200:23:22

Yes, yes, we're fine. Goodnight, Mummy.

0:23:220:23:24

Well?

0:23:310:23:33

You were saying.

0:23:330:23:34

I've been bad, Julian.

0:23:350:23:37

This baby, it isn't yours!

0:23:390:23:42

What?

0:23:420:23:44

Cathy, behind you!

0:23:460:23:49

SHE SCREAMS

0:23:500:23:52

You let go of her, you fiend!

0:23:560:23:57

SHE SCREAMS

0:23:570:23:59

Julian, no!

0:23:590:24:01

SHE SCREAMS

0:24:010:24:03

HE CHOKES

0:24:030:24:06

Pills, my pills!

0:24:150:24:19

What, these pills?

0:24:190:24:23

I threw them away.

0:24:230:24:26

I'm sorry.

0:24:260:24:28

Goodbye, darling.

0:24:290:24:31

THUNDER RUMBLES

0:24:310:24:33

Don't worry, Julian.

0:24:380:24:40

I'll look after her now.

0:24:430:24:45

Merry Christmas.

0:24:450:24:47

HE GASPS

0:24:480:24:50

'And there's your ending.

0:24:530:24:55

'Well, not quite.'

0:24:550:24:57

-WOMAN:

-Right, we've got ten minutes to get the final scene.

0:24:570:25:00

Cameras, round to the bedroom, please.

0:25:000:25:02

Dennis is coming down to the floor.

0:25:020:25:04

'What does that mean, coming down to the floor?

0:25:040:25:06

'The studio floor. I needed to be there for the climax.'

0:25:060:25:10

-Bye, everyone.

-Bye, Brian.

-Bye.

0:25:100:25:12

-Good luck with the voice-over.

-OK.

0:25:120:25:15

'Such a rush now.

0:25:150:25:16

'Always the same with filming, it's Gandhi in the morning,

0:25:160:25:20

'Hollyoaks in the afternoon.'

0:25:200:25:22

Thanks, Penny, here we go, then.

0:25:240:25:26

In five, four, three...

0:25:260:25:29

I've poured you a glass of champagne.

0:25:350:25:38

I know I shouldn't drink, what with me being pregnant with your baby,

0:25:380:25:42

but one little glass won't harm, will it?

0:25:420:25:45

Besides, you deserve a treat, spending all that time in character.

0:25:450:25:51

Fancy having to spend a whole day with that little brat, Toby,

0:25:510:25:55

I don't know how you bore it.

0:25:550:25:58

Oh, I thought you were going to have a shower.

0:25:580:26:01

Couldn't keep your hands off me, eh?

0:26:010:26:03

What's this? Kinky.

0:26:030:26:07

I wondered what those chains were for.

0:26:070:26:09

I'll call the police in the morning.

0:26:110:26:13

It's perfect, really, Julian has been under a lot of stress,

0:26:130:26:18

the doctors suggested this holiday,

0:26:180:26:20

but his medication ran out

0:26:200:26:23

and I found him lying dead at the bottom of the stairs.

0:26:230:26:26

We should have the insurance money in time for New Year.

0:26:280:26:31

I can't wait to see the look on Celia's face.

0:26:310:26:34

Oh, she'll suspect something, but where's the proof?

0:26:340:26:38

Like I said, it's perfect.

0:26:380:26:41

Oh, darling, that hurts.

0:26:410:26:44

Well, what are you waiting for?

0:26:470:26:51

Aren't you going to ravish me, Simon?

0:26:510:26:53

Simon?

0:26:550:26:56

I don't know anyone called Simon.

0:26:570:26:59

I'm Krampus.

0:27:010:27:04

-No.

-EVIL LAUGH

0:27:040:27:06

No!

0:27:060:27:08

SHE SCREAMS HE LAUGHS

0:27:080:27:11

And cut! Great, thanks, Ralph, if we could just step you off.

0:27:130:27:17

-Cheers, Dennis.

-Oh, are you done, Ralph?

0:27:170:27:21

I'll see you at the screening if there is one, shall I?

0:27:210:27:24

All right, keep rolling, we're setting up for scene 18B.

0:27:240:27:27

Oh, is it a new scene? Dennis...

0:27:280:27:30

Quick as you can, please.

0:27:300:27:32

I-I didn't get pink pages for this if there were some, Dennis.

0:27:330:27:37

Just changing camera position.

0:27:370:27:39

Dennis, can someone please tell me what's happening?

0:27:390:27:42

-Oh.

-MUFFLED:

-Dennis, tell me what's happening. Ow!

0:27:440:27:47

Dennis?

0:27:470:27:49

Oh...

0:27:490:27:51

'Always a strange moment when you see them realise what's going on.

0:27:510:27:54

'You see, there's no acting here, that's genuine fear.

0:27:540:28:00

'I don't think I want to watch the ending.'

0:28:000:28:02

Action!

0:28:020:28:04

Dennis!

0:28:040:28:06

No! No!

0:28:060:28:09

SHE SCREAMS

0:28:090:28:11

BEEP

0:28:110:28:14

'Well, that's it.

0:28:160:28:18

'Can't believe it surfaced again after all these years.

0:28:180:28:21

'In its defence, it was one of the better ones,

0:28:210:28:24

'but if only I'd got Gummidge.

0:28:240:28:29

'Police interview with Dennis Fulcher, terminated at 1605.'

0:28:290:28:33

Steve Pemberton and Reece Shearsmith's award-winning anthology of comedy dramas returns with a seasonal special.

Austria, Krampusnacht 1977. All the good children are given gifts by St Nicholas and all the bad ones are punished by the demonic Krampus. Julian and Kathy arrive for a holiday with their family. But who has been good and who has been bad?