Sardines Inside No. 9

This programme contains some strong language

Oh.

Hello.

Hello.

That was quick.

Well, obviously, I know the house, so...

So you have an unfair advantage. Unfair advantage. Yes.

Well, let's...

Come on in.

Are you not going to get the... Oh.

Sorry, we weren't properly introduced. I'm Ian, by the way.

Hello.

We'll just... Oh.

It's Rachel, isn't it? Rebecca.

Rebecca. I work with Jeremy. Oh.

I say work with. I'm more on the IT side, but obviously with him

being the Office Manager, there is a fair amount of overlap.

He's more responsible for infrastructure

whereas I take more of a lead in programme development. Right. Right.

What did you say your name was again? It's Ian.

That's right. Yes. Jeremy HAS mentioned you.

SHE CLEARS HER THROAT

DANCE MUSIC LEAKS THROUGH EARPHONES

DOOR CLOSES

Hm. Sh!

I wonder who that was. Don't know.

It could be a long game.

Yes.

So, how does it feel to be engaged, Rachel? Rebecca.

Rebecca. You set a date yet?

9th November.

Oh, dear.

That's 9/11.

You'll not forget that in a hurry, will you?

Oh.

No, I hadn't thought of it that way, to be honest.

BANGS HIS HEAD ON HANGER

Well, you must.

I was christened Richard Ian Percival, if you can believe that.

RIP.

Boo. Oh, Carl. Get in quick.

I heard you talking. Very slack, Rebecca.

Why are you hiding in here?

I didn't choose it, did I?

Guilty as charged. Have you met Ian?

No, I don't believe I've had the pleasure. Carl.

I'm Rebecca's brother.

So, you must know all the nooks and crannies of the house, then.

Oh, yes.

I spent most of my Christmases hiding in various cupboards

waiting for my bossy little sister to find me.

You never could, though, could you?

Get in.

Is Daddy playing?

He said he would. He's out showing Mark and Elizabeth the stables.

He can do that afterwards. We're meant to be playing the game.

It's all right. Keep your voice down.

You'll give us all away.

Yeah, chill out, bitch.

Sorry, that was misjudged.

Actually, it was quite funny.

She is a bit of a bitch, aren't you, Becks?

DOOR OPENS

MAN: Lollipops!

Come and get your lollipops. Where are those children hiding?

Now, then, if I were going to secrete myself in this room,

where would I go?

Not behind those curtains. They're a migraine waiting to happen.

Oh, hanging around the toilets, perhaps.

It, er, has been known.

Or would I enjoy spending time in the closet?

Oh, not interrupting anything, I hope.

Come on.

It's like the back room of Cinderella's at Wakefield.

Has anyone got any poppers or lube? Stuart.

You two know each other, then, do you?

Unfortunately, yes.

They're partners.

In what line?

Well, used to be straight up and down, but not any more.

I'm in IT.

Congratulations.

I'm in SH-IT cos I got in late last night, didn't I?

Stuart, you can do what you like. It doesn't bother me.

Oh, I see. You're living together partners.

Yeah, we're queer, dear, get used to it.

That's it. I can't stay here.

Carl, please.

Stuart, behave.

This party's not about you.

It's about me and Jeremy, so butt out. Carl.

You're much prettier when you're angry, and so are you.

Anyway, changing the subject slightly, I'm not being funny,

but there's a man downstairs that absolutely stinks.

Yes, that's Stinky John.

And what is it? Is it his clothes? His breath?

I don't know. He was at school with us, wasn't he, Carl?

Yes. That's when he was just John. Not Stinky John.

Something must have happened to him. He just stopped washing one day.

Maybe we should trace it back.

Maybe we should. Who Do You Stink You Are?

And what about all the other ones? There was that really boring one.

Yes, and, um, what about that old woman that's wandering around?

Oh, God, that's Geraldine. She's Daddy's cleaner.

I asked her to come and serve drinks but she thinks she's a guest.

That is hilar! You've got to tell her.

I can't now. She's all dressed up.

Dressed up? She looks like Feed The Birds.

There's a sandwich man at work who wears a yellow T-shirt.

It's a jersey but it's T-shirt material,

and all the girls call him Mustard Mike.

Well, thank God I brought champagne.

Who wants a swig?

Found them! They're in here! Sh.

That's it, is it? I've won? No, you've got to hide as well.

Oh, OK.

No, in here! Us.

Oh, there's not really much space in there.

That's why it's fun, apparently.

I'm a little bit claustrophobic.

Then it's even more fun.

Quick, before someone sees you.

So, what happens now?

We wait for the others to find us.

So, how do you win?

Nobody wins. You just wait.

Oh.

All right.

So, when does the game start?

This is the game, Rachel. We're playing it.

Oh, so you're Rachel, are you?

Yes, hello.

Because I've been calling Rebecca Rachel, haven't I? Yes.

I think I just got mixed up because Jeremy talks about you all the time.

Does he?

Yes.

Who are you talking to?

Which one are you again? Rebecca. Yes.

Oh, I've not seen this much wood since I was... Don't.

So what does Jeremy say about me? I'm sorry?

At work. You said he talks about me.

Oh, just...

the usual boring girlfriend stuff.

Boring girlfriend?

Not that you're boring. Just the stuff he says about you is...

Boring?

Yes.

Coming from you, Ian, that's quite something. Thank you.

You're welcome.

RACHEL: Is anyone else getting hot?

I just need to open the door a crack. I just need to get some air.

Wait till Stinky John gets here. You'll need more than a crack.

Is Stinky John playing? Everybody's playing. It's Sardines.

Oh, I don't know if I can stay in here if he gets in. I do get a bit...

Don't worry. Me and you will nip through to Narnia,

have a snowball fight, get some Turkish Delight.

I'm sorry. I need to breathe. No, you're not allowed.

She's allowed to breathe.

IAN: I wouldn't mind stretching the old legs, actually.

Been in here a while.

What? Oh, this is ridiculous.

I'm going to have a pee-break then.

That champagne's gone right through me.

Well, don't flush it.

Don't worry. You know my motto. If it's yellow, let it mellow.

If it's brown, flush it down.

Oh, occupied!

Sorry! Well, that's something I shall never un-see.

Who is it? Feed The Birds.

Geraldine.

Shouldn't she be using the staff toilets?

TOILET FLUSHES

(You OK?)

(What's the matter with you?)

(What do you think, Rebecca? Look where we are.)

There you go, lovey. Doesn't have a lock.

It's an en suite. You warmed the seat for me.

I heard you all talking in there.

I just didn't want to disturb you.

That's a bomby dress.

Thank you. I got it in Paris.

My hip went that colour when I fell up some steps at Legoland.

I was just getting some air. I'm a bit claustrophobic.

Is that why you can't bear to touch a snake?

STUART: 'You've got that, haven't you, Carl?'

I'd hardly call it a snake, Stuart.

More like a scaly lizard.

'I heard that.' Good.

Right. Shall we...

assume the position?

REBECCA: (It's just a game.)

Wait for me!

Room for little 'un.

Of course there is.

It's like the time and relative dimension in space.

TARDIS.

So, Rachel, tell me again how you know Jeremy.

Um...

Rachel is Jeremy's ex, Geraldine.

Oh, that's it.

I knew it was something I wasn't supposed to mention.

We're just mates now. Text buddies.

He BBMs me every now and again at weekends.

Oh, lovely.

Yeah, he BBMs me a lot, too. Always BBMing.

What it is to be young.

It's been ages since I've been in this room.

Your dad usually keeps it locked. You know, after...

We're not going down that road, Geraldine. It's a party, remember?

Oh, yes.

# Why am I always the bridesmaid

# Never the blushing bride

# Ding dong, wedding bells

# Only ring for other girls

# One fine day

# Oh let it be soon

# I shall wake up in the morning on my own honeymoon. #

Right, I'm coming back in. Nobody fart.

Smell that. Carbolic. We should get some of that for our en suite.

This is fun, isn't it?

Thank you, Geraldine. Yes, it is.

Fun.

Do you have a girlfriend, Ian?

No. No.

Young, free and single at the moment.

I'm not being a monk.

I've had some experiences, but no.

Pretty barren at the moment.

A pretty arid patch.

We'll have to get it fixed up, won't we? Yes.

Do you like him, Rachel? No, no, no.

I have a boyfriend. His name is Lee. Did you meet him downstairs?

Yes, he gave me his jacket and asked me to get him a drink.

Oh he's only young. How young? Is he legal? He's 21. Oh, toy boy.

You know what they say. If there's grass on the wicket, let play commence.

Oh, for fuck's sake, Stuart. Give it a rest.

What's gotten into you?

Can't you just talk like a normal human being for five minutes? Sh.

WOMAN: Mark, in here.

Have you managed to get rid of him yet?

Yeah, he's gone off to look for the others.

God, I loathe playing other people's family games. It's trouble.

We should have been done by now.

You said we'd be away by three.

Why don't you just do the lie about the babysitter being ill?

Because it needs to be seeded. You need to seed it.

Doesn't need to be seeded. You just say it.

"Oh, I'm awfully sorry, we've got to go now. Babysitter's not feeling very well." Boom.

You're so naive, Mark. Listen, listen.

Old man may be tedious, but he's our way into Dicky Laurence, yeah?

So, we have to put a shift in.

I thought you hated Dicky Laurence. Yeah, I hate Dicky Laurence.

He's a first-class prick,

but I need him to smooth over that merger next year, yeah?

You know what they say.

Keep your friends close, but your enemies closer.

Such a horrible shit, Mark.

That's why you bloody love me.

SHE LAUGHS

THEY LAUGH

No! Mark, stop it. Come on!

Just fingers.

SHE LAUGHS

Someone could walk in on them.

Well, that's the thrill of it, Geraldine. Get out of the way, I'm going to film it.

No, you don't. Pervert. Quick, someone make a noise.

HE STRAINS FAINTLY

I think that was a bit too subtle, Ian.

Geronimo!

Fuck.

Oh, you found us. Well done.

What the hell?! Sardines.

Hello, Mark. Welcome to the wardrobe.

Ian. I work for you.

In IT.

Of course. Hi.

We've been hiding in here for ages waiting for someone to find us,

and these doors are so thick, we didn't hear anything, did we?

No, no. No.

Do you want to come in then? Before Daddy finds us? Um...

Yeah, I'm a teeny bit worried about the babysitter.

She said she's feeling under the weather.

Oh, well, so you did.

No, I'm sure we'll be all right for a few minutes, won't we? Yup.

Yeah, looks like a lot of fun.

All right.

I'm getting in.

Yes. Everybody watch my shoes.

Or maybe I should just take them off... Just get in Liz. Yes, good.

The sooner we start. You stay in there next to Rachel.

Rebecca. Sorry.

It's my engagement party. Nobody seems to know my name.

No, it's just that Jeremy always says...

What?

This one's Rachel.

Oh, hello. Nice to meet you.

RACHEL: Nice to meet you, too.

Ah, there you are. Already been in here once.

Lee, come in. We're having such a laugh.

Wardrobe. Can't believe I didn't check the fucking wardrobe.

I'm a knob. Is everything all right? I thought I heard someone shouting.

That was me. I said "Geronimo!"

Don't ask me why.

Have you met everyone? Lee, this is Ian.

He's... Works with Mark.

For Mark, actually. I own the company.

Oh, yeah. Well, if you ever need any roofing doing.

You know Rebecca, obviously. And this is Mark's wife, Elizabeth.

Hello.

Hi. You all right? You look like you've been crying.

It's just a little bit dusty in here, that's all.

And this is Rebecca's brother, Carl. And that's Stu, his...

Flatmate. Pleased to meet you.

Flatmate? And this is Geraldine.

Oh, yeah, I know, yeah.

Wouldn't mind a cheeky top up if you don't mind, love. Pardon?

Little cheeky champers. Or succa.

Why do you keep asking me?

Rebecca said you were serving drinks. No.

No. I'm a guest. He's got his wires crossed.

Yes, we're all guests here. All equal.

I used to be their nanny.

I've known all three of them since they were so high.

Three of them? Mmm.

Yes, we have a sister. Caroline.

Is she not coming, Becky? I'd love to see the boys again.

They must be getting quite big now.

No, they can't make it. It's a bit too far to travel. Oh.

I'll go get my own drink then, shall I?

Here we go, Lee. I've got some contraband you can have.

We'll form a splinter group under the bed.

You can't do that.

It's all right. I'm sure my flatmate won't mind.

Come on, then.

Are you trying to bum me?

I'm sorry, Stuart. That's against the rules.

Homophobic?

Oh, you've got that, haven't you, lovey?

No, I'm claustrophobic.

Well, it is a little crowded in here.

Yes, it's almost like we're a tin of sardines.

Actually, Colin, why don't you step out for a minute and give us

a bit of room. Yes. I mean, it's Ian, but, yes.

Yes. Sorry. Ian. Under the bed with those two, yeah?

Sorry, private party.

No, you cannot play Sardines in this.

Everyone is hiding in the same place together. That's what makes it fun.

Oh, yes. Oh, Lee. That's nice. Oh, keep doing that.

What big hands you've got. Oh, yes.

RACHEL: 'Lee?'

Babe, I'm not doing anything.

'Leave him alone, Stuart.'

What's the matter, Carl? You jealous? 'Piss off.'

Stop arguing, you two. This is ridiculous.

It's not my fault you're afraid of intimacy, Carl.

'And it's not my fault either.

'You have no idea.'

Ta-da.

John.

Oh, looks like I'm one of the last to join the party.

Can I squeeze in? No.

I just think it's a bit too full.

No, there's plenty of room.

I feel sick.

Breathe through your mouth.

Actually, John, some people are hiding under the bed.

Oh, no, you don't. Just what thinks I'm a bit claustrophobic.

That's not the game, is it?

You're all meant to be squashed in together. That's the rules.

Yes, but we thought it doesn't really matter about the rules.

As long as we're all in the same room it still counts.

All right. As you wish.

Actually, John, there really isn't room under here.

There's suitcases and everything.

Isn't that right, Lee? Packed mate. Sorry.

I don't think I'd fit under there anyway, to be honest.

What with the old 26 pack.

Yeah, you're better off going with the wardrobe group.

All right.

'I'm back again.'

Hang on. What's going on here?

Is it caught or something?

It's stuck, John. Maybe try going in the bathroom.

First time for everything.

I can see what it is. It's fingers.

Someone's holding it with their fingers.

No, we're trying to push it.

Oh, let him in. Poor lad.

We can't. Mark, tell them. Try again behind the curtain.

All right. Funniest game of Sardines I've ever played.

Ah.

You haven't seen Rebecca anywhere, have you, John?

Oh, caught red-handed.

She's...hiding in the wardrobe.

But you can't get in. Door's stuck, apparently.

Right. Thanks.

(And there's two under the bed.)

It's a shambles.

Becks. It's Jeremy. Hi.

Listen, darling, I've just got to pop down to the station.

Pick up a chum who's running a bit late. I can't seem to find my keys.

You haven't had them, have you? No, they're in your jacket.

'No, I've looked. They're not there. I can't find them. I might have to take the Mini. Is that OK?'

All right. Drive safely, though.

'Love you.' Love you too, Rachel. Rebecca.

Rebecca, I love you.

What is that awful smell? Hello, Andrew.

Searched this room, have you?

Yes. I believe there are some people hiding in the wardrobe.

Some under the bed, and Stinky John... John is behind the curtains.

No, that is absolutely wrong. Come out from there, boy.

You all have to be in the same place.

This isn't Hide and Go Seek. You know the rules, don't you?

Well? Yes, sir.

Come on. Out, out.

It's like the Diary Of Ann Frank.

Hi, Daddy.

Five more sardines to go in the tin.

Sorry, Andrew, it's just I need to... Come on. In you go.

That's it.

Come along.

THEY PUSH AND SHOVE ONE ANOTHER

There we go.

That's the name of the game. Sardines.

This is fucking mental.

I've got to tweet a picture of this.

Oh, God. Here we are.

Right. Smile, everyone.

It's just they both start with an R, so I...

Would anyone like a mint? John?

No, thank you.

Are you sure? They're very refreshing.

They give me diarrhoea.

Oh, dear God.

I'll have one, actually. I've got something catching in my throat.

Pass them round.

Andrew. Elizabeth was just asking after Dicky Laurence.

How is he these days?

Dicky Laurence? Haven't spoken to him in two years.

Dreadful man. Ah, I thought...

Ah, you thought you were going to use me as a stepping stone, did you?

Well, tough titty. That bridge was burned a long time ago.

Babysitter.

You're still in love with her, aren't you?

We used to love playing Sardines at parties, didn't we, Dad?

Oh, yes. We used to call it an icebreaker.

Do you remember the Sardines song?

Of course.

# A baby sardine saw his first submarine... #

Don't you dare sing that.

My house. I'll do what I bloody well like.

Is it just me or is there, like, a shitty smell in here?

Do you remember the year we had the Cub Scouts jamboree?

Chaos it was. Kiddies everywhere.

That was a long time ago.

We were having such a laugh.

And then this one little boy spoiled it. What was his name?

I think we ought to be making a move now.

Oh, the police were involved and everything. Do you remember, John?

Phillip Harrison.

That's it. Little Pip.

Whatever happened to him?

Family moved away, as I recall. Spain or Somerset.

Mmm, good riddance I say.

Accusing you of such horrible things.

He paid them to go away.

I was teaching the boy how to wash himself. Basic hygiene.

Well, we weren't all that lucky.

Were we, John?

I can smell carbolic soap.

All right. That's enough.

Now, before I ring Jeremy Kyle...

..can I just say there's no-one actually looking for us any more. We're all here.

No, that Ian fella's not here.

Yes, I've got to go and pick him up from the station actually, so...

Erm, he's in the bathroom, I think. What?

He's a boring chap with glasses.

Oh, no, that's not Ian.

# A baby sardine saw his first submarine... #

ANDREW: 'Hello?'

# He was scared and watched through the peephole... #

'What's going on?'

# Oh, come, come, come, said the sardine's mum... #

'Open this door.'

# It's only a tin full of people. #

Pip?

THEY RATTLE THE WARDROBE DOORS

RATTLING

BANGING

RATTLING