Cold Comfort Inside No. 9

This programme contains some strong language.

PHONE RINGS

Hello, Comfort Support Line.

CALLER HANGS UP

-George, remind me, are we allowed to do 1471?

-No.

Well, we need to get someone on nine.

Yeah, I'm aware of that, thank you.

Sorry I'm late.

Oh, that's all right.

-Not to worry, come through.

-Thanks.

Now, I thought I'd pop you in opposite Liz.

-Have you met?

-Er, I don't think so.

-Hi, I'm Andy.

-Hello.

-Hi.

-Oh, he's given you prime location there.

-Really?

Yes, this was Victoria's booth,

she was one of our longest-standing volunteers,

but she's had to take a bit of gardening leave.

She had three dead dads in two days, it tipped her over the edge.

That was probably her phoning just then.

Yes, and if it was,

we'd have respected her confidentiality, wouldn't we, Liz?

Of course we would, George.

-Let's get you sat, in shall we?

-Right, thanks.

As you can see, it's compact and bijou

with a south-facing terrace and en-suite facilities.

Don't worry, Andy, I didn't laugh either.

Now, obviously, you've done your induction

but when the calls come in,

we like to pick up within three rings

-and begin every dialogue with, "Hello, Comfort Support Line."

-OK.

I don't mind if people use the abbreviation CSL,

cos Comfort Support Line does sound a bit like bras.

-You've got one for your moobs, haven't you, George?

-Ignore her.

Now, whatever the caller wants to talk about,

we offer active listening,

er, though I would say one in every five calls will just be silent.

That's right, cos they're plucking up the courage.

Yes, yes.

You just have to make sure they're not plucking something else.

Ah, you mean...

BOTH: Masturbating.

It has become a bit of an epidemic.

How will I be able to tell?

-LIZ SIMULATES MASTURBATION NOISE

-Liz!

Your ear soon becomes attuned.

Now, you may find you have a dead hour or so when nobody rings.

I don't mind you bringing in, erm, a novel, newspaper,

wordsearch is fine,

but I do frown on people watching box sets of The Walking Dead

on their mobile phones.

It was the season finale, leave me alone.

The point is, you have to be focused,

-ready to go at the drop of a hat.

-OK.

-PHONE RINGS

-There you go.

-Do you want to plunge straight in?

-Really?

-Yep.

-Should I...?

-Yeah, grab it.

Hello, Comfort, CSL line. How can I help you?

-RECORDED MESSAGE:

-'Hi, this is an important message

'regarding your Payment Protection Insurance Policy...'

-Hang up.

-I thought I wasn't allowed to terminate the dialogue?

It's not a dialogue, is it?

We'll have to do something about this. There's more PPIs than wankers.

Have you been volunteering long?

Me? I was going to do it for two weeks...

five years ago. HE LAUGHS

-I just got addicted to it.

-Mm.

I love it.

What about you?

Oh, I just, you know, I thought it was a really good thing to do.

When my sister died, I really wished I could have had

-someone to talk to...

-PHONE RINGS

Hello, Comfort Support Line, how can I help you?

Oh. Well, have you tried using a spoon?

It might work.

Mm...

Yeah.

I know.

Mm...

PHONE RINGS

Oh, erm, George?

George! I've got a call!

OK, yeah.

Remember, no leading, no counselling,

-just active listening.

-OK.

Hello, Comfort Support Line, can I help you?

-WOMAN'S VOICE:

-'Oh... Mm...'

Erm, did you want to talk to someone?

'Oh, God.

'Well...a couple of years ago, there was...an incident.'

Right.

'After the incident, I was pretty depressed, obviously,

'but I did manage to get back on track

'even though it, it was quite a serious incident.'

I see.

'And erm, I mean, as Steve said, at the clinic,

'with that kind of incident,

'you're not going to bounce back over night, are you?

-'It takes its toll, but...'

-Well...

-Shh.

'..but I can't sleep now, for thinking about the incident

'and I'm having nightmares about it.

'And all I think when I wake up is,

'"God! The incident, the incident, the incident! Christ!"'

-What was the incident?

-'I'd rather not talk about it.'

OK, so without revealing to me the nature of the incident...

-It's not a magic trick.

-Sorry. Erm...

-'It was an abortion, if you must know.'

-Right, good.

-Well, erm, that was your choice.

-'I know it was!'

No, no, I mean it was your choice to tell me,

-I didn't force it out of you.

-'What?!'

-SHE HANGS UP PHONE

-Oh...

-Well, that went well.

-Yeah, don't worry. Really good.

Don't beat yourself up.

Just glad you didn't mention terminating the call.

MULTIPLE TELEPHONES RING

-MAN:

-'And it wasn't even like we'd had a bad holiday, it was good.

'We went out for some nice meals and the hotel was nice,

'and I'd got a good deal.

'I'd got one of them deals,

-'you know where you cut out and paste the numbers?'

-Mm-hm.

'And she seemed happy with it at the time, I think,

'but I think the weather was quite bad

'so there was a lot of sitting in cafes, so that doesn't help.'

No.

'And it kind of makes you realise

'that you've got nothing to say to each other.

'I mean, I'm talking like it came from me, but it didn't.

'I mean, I tried to start conversations

'but she'd, they'd just be one word answers,

'like "Yes," or "Dunno."

'I felt like she wasn't really interested

'in what I had to say, do you know what I mean?'

-Hm...

-WOMAN ON PHONE:

-'Hello?'

'Anyway, I'm going to go now because I've just heard her come back in,

'but thanks very much, you've really helped me.'

Good, well...

That's why we're here.

It's nice talking to you.

'You too, bye. Mother, is that you?'

-I bet that's a relief.

-Yeah, what?

That call, seemed like a long one.

Yeah, it, it was.

Erm, I was dying for him...to finish.

Not that I wasn't interested in what he had to say,

just that I was...relieved when he'd said it.

-I'm Andy.

-Joanne, hi.

Hi.

-Do you mind if I sit down for a second?

-Er, no. No, no, course...

I know you're quite new,

and, please, don't think I'm being patronising.

-Patronise means to talk down to someone.

-Right.

That's a joke, by the way.

Oh, good, yes.

It's just I've been a volunteer here for three years now

and I always say the same thing to all the new recruits.

Don't get involved.

Right, no. I wasn't going to, I'm not even looking, so...

I don't mean with me, I mean with the callers.

Right, yes. George has said, it's not a good idea.

No, it's not.

These people...are not your friends,

in spite of what Liz might say.

Ah, she does seem chatty.

Probably been bitching about me already, has she?

Has she?

Not that I know of.

Let her. I don't care.

-I don't want any part of that clique.

-I don't.

Just keep your guard up and your shutters down.

Mm.

Anyway, I'll let you finish that drink.

Oh... Cheers!

-Mm.

-Good luck, Andy.

Thanks.

-Bye.

-Bye.

MULTIPLE PHONES RING

PHONE RINGS

Hello, Comfort Support Line?

-'Hi...'

-Did you want to...?

'This is an important message

-'regarding your Payment Protection Insurance Policy...'

-Piss off!

-Oh, let me guess, another PPI.

-Mm.

Persistent Pain in the Intestine, I call them.

Right, I'm off.

I've got a hot date with a Fray Bentos steak and ale pie.

-PHONE RINGS

-Ooh! Hello, CSL.

Night, night.

Hello?

-WOMAN:

-'Is Victoria there?'

Ah, sorry, no. Victoria's not in tonight.

'What's your name?'

I'm afraid we're not advised to give out our personal details.

'Victoria did.'

Well, she's no longer a volunteer here, but I am.

'OK.'

Now, you can tell me your name, if you'd like.

'It's...Chloe.'

Hi, Chloe. I'm...here for you.

'Will you talk to me?'

Of course.

'What...

'What do you want to talk about?'

Well, erm...I'm just here to listen, so you tell me.

'Well...I hate my life,

'I hate my mum, I hate my step-dad...

'especially hate my step-dad.

'I haven't done anything with my life.'

How old are you, Chloe?

-'I'm 16.'

-Well, there you go. You know, you're still very young.

You've got your whole life ahead of you.

'Huh...yeah.

'Oh...

-Chloe...

-SHE PANTS

Chloe, I don't want to be rude,

but if you're doing what I think you're doing,

I'm going have to ask you to stop because...

'What? I've got stomach cramps.'

Oh, well, that's OK.

-It's just that we're not allowed to...

-'I've taken some tablets.'

Sorry?

'I've taken tablets.'

Have you...?

OK, erm...how many?

-SHE SIGHS

-'I don't know, erm...

'30? 40?'

Right.

'I just wanted to talk to someone before I go.'

Well, erm...

Yep, I, I can do that for you, er, Chloe,

and I'm certainly going to keep talking to you,

but if you had a mobile, you could dial 999

and ask for an ambulance...

'No!

'Please don't do that.'

I'm not going to do that, Chloe.

I'm not going to do that, I promise.

I promise. We'll just talk.

'Thank you.'

-SHE BREATHES HEAVILY

-'It's hot.'

Yeah...

Yeah, the, erm...

the windows are painted shut in here

so...er, we can't get any air in.

-IN A FAINT VOICE:

-'That's a shame.'

Chloe? Are you all right?

'Mm...

'Will you sing to me?'

Yeah.

Yeah, I'm not very good, but I'll give it a go.

What...what did you want to hear?

'Well, I like American Pie

'but I think it might be a bit long.

'Do you know Shine?'

Take That?

'Yeah.'

I think I know some if it, erm...

# You

# You're such a big star to me

# You're everything I want to be

# But you're stuck in a hole

# And I want you to get out

# I don't know what there is to see

# But I know it's time for you to leave

# We're all just pushing along

# Trying to figure it out, out, out... #

I don't really know the rest.

How was that?

Chloe?

Chloe?

My name's Andy, by the way.

HE SIGHS

PHONE RINGS

Hello, CSL?

-WOMAN:

-'I'm sorry to bother you, but I just couldn't sleep.

'You see, Picasso died last week,

'and the house seems so empty without him.

'He was my cat, you see,

'and he meant the world to me.

-'Hello?'

-Yes, yes.

Erm...I'm sorry to hear that.

'It's not just me, Binky misses him, and Percy.

'They were from the same litter.

'I just miss his little paws padding about.

'He had such a lovely meow.

'They all have very different personalities, you know.'

Mm.

'And Picasso was such a softie, really.

'Although, he did have his moments.

'He would often bring me little parcels from the garden,

'a mouse or a shrew.

'And he would demand that I pick him up,

'but you're not supposed to encourage them.

'Anyway, I'm devastated, to be honest.

'I just don't see how I can go on day-to-day.

'There's such a hole without him.

'It's like a terrible ache.'

Oh, well, he's just a cat.

'I beg your pardon?'

It's just a cat.

It sounds like you've got other ones, have you?

'Yes...but nothing will replace Picasso!'

Well, another cat would.

'I want your name!'

MULTIPLE DIALLING TONES BEEP

Well, I'd put them all in the green ones,

but lose the headdresses.

Yeah.

And you don't want to go all Big Fat Gypsy Wedding, do you?

And how much are they?

Well, do Primark not do them? Oh, hang on a sec...

-Oh, I see. Yes, yes...

-Liz.

-Just a minute, George.

-Terminate that call, please.

-I'm with a client.

-No, you're not. Terminate the call.

I'm sorry, caller,

but my supervisor's instructing me to terminate this call.

-Would you wait just a sec? What?

-You're not allowed personal calls,

-how many times have I got to tell you?

-She called the helpline.

-To talk about bridesmaids' dresses.

-She's upset about it, it's a big decision.

-This is completely against the rules

-to clog up the lines with personal calls...

-Oh, piss off, George! I'm working.

Some of us are here to help people.

Hello. Yes, you were saying.

Put that phone down.

Well, I'd go for the white shoes...

Oh, well, they can wear their own at the reception, cant they?

Well, tell her she can't wear Wellingtons.

She's 45, for goodness' sake.

What you doing?!

Give me the...fucking phone!

What?!

Are you for real?

Did you see that, Valerie?

It was an assault!

Psycho!

Are you all right, Valerie?

He hurt me chin!

Anyway, he's been reported,

but they won't do anything,

it's bad for the image.

They don't want anyone knowing the volunteers

are more fucked up than the people ringing in.

How are you, anyway?

Yeah, I was just a bit shaken.

It was so weird, I actually heard someone die.

Well, you didn't.

You were singing Take That, but I know what you mean.

You just feel so helpless.

But I suppose you've got to do what Joanne said

-and pull the shutters down.

-She would say that, wouldn't she?

She's got so much ice up her fanny, I call her Jane Torville.

It's a coping mechanism.

Mechanisms are for robots and that's what she is.

I've never once seen her use

the tampon machine in the ladies, you know.

-Hi, Andy. Hi, Liz.

-Oh, hiya, chuck.

-How are you feeling?

-A lot better, thanks.

Good. Put it behind you.

It wasn't your fault.

I got you one of those drinks you like.

-I hope it's the right one.

-Thanks.

See? Complete bitch.

"Put it behind you"?!

She couldn't care less.

People who ring here want a friend,

they want to be told what to do.

Doing nothing makes it worse.

Like, I had a man on this morning

whose mother had put her head in the gas oven

because her cat had died.

-Imagine that?

-What?

He was sobbing his heart out, poor sod.

Inconsolable.

And he was a squaddie, he'd been in Iraq.

Now, I was able to talk to him like a mate.

I told him about when my mother died.

In George's world, I wouldn't have been able to do that, would I?

-What was the cat's name?

-Eh?

The woman who killed herself.

What was the cat's name?

Picasso. Why?

No reason. Excuse me.

Is Andy all right?

I don't know, Joanne. I don't get involved.

TELEPHONE RINGS

Hello, Comfort Support Line? How can I help you?

MULTIPLE DIALLING TONES AND VOICES

-MAN:

-'I saw her on Tues, er, Tuesday, er, no, a Wednesday.

'No, I saw her on Tuesday, saw her on Tuesday,

'and she came up to me

'and she actually came up to me and said, "Hiya." Ha, ha!

'But it wasn't 'hiya' like, just like, "Uh, hiya. Hi there."

'It was 'hiya' like, like, "Hiya!".

'Like, beautiful, like lyrical, "Hi, hiya!" "Hiya!"

'So it wasn't just like a, "Oh, here he is. Oh, hiya, hiya.

'"Um, hiya."

'It was like 'hiya' like, "H, hiya! Hiya!"'

Good, good and, er, what did you say?

'Well, I didn't say anything, I spat on her.'

CALLER HANGS UP PHONE

-Andy. Everything all right?

-Yeah, yeah.

Well, I just wanted to say what we talked about yesterday,

it's totally fine, there won't be any repercussions.

Thanks, George.

You know, this is a pressure cooker environment.

We've all snapped at certain points, so don't dwell on it.

Speaking of which, I've got to go and talk to the trustees

about, erm...recent events involving me and Liz,

so I wondered if you could, er, do me a favour,

take Michael through his induction? Michael, this is Andy.

He's going to sit in on your first call.

-Pleased to meet you.

-Hi.

-Hiya.

Michael has been transferred from the Wood Green office,

so he knows the basics. I'll see you later.

Oh, are you all right there? Can you squeeze in?

I think so.

If you need to use the loo, I'd go now before you get settled in,

cos er you don't want to get caught short.

I'm all right, thanks.

-It can be quite harrowing...

-Especially if it's a number two.

No, I mean, some of the phone calls.

Oh, right. Yeah, yeah. But we don't say nothing, do we?

Yeah, well, not nothing,

er, but it is important not to get too involved.

You don't want your own emotions to get in the way.

-PHONE RINGS

-All right, yeah. Go ahead, yeah.

Hello, Comfort and Support Line?

Do you want to talk?

-WOMAN:

-'I think so.

'What's your name?'

Er, Michael.

Do you want to tell me your name? You don't have to.

'It's Chloe.'

Hi, Chloe. What's on your mind today?

-SHE SIGHS

-'Oh, just, I hate my life.

'I hate my mum, I hate my step-dad...

'especially hate my step-dad.'

Just one second, Chloe.

-Did I do it wrong?

-No, no, carry on, carry on.

Er, sorry, erm, how long have you felt like this?

'Too long now.

'I don't...I don't want to carry on.'

Well, it's never too late to change your life around.

'Huh, it might be.

'I've taken some tablets.'

What? You've taken some tablets?

How many, Chloe?

'Er, 30? 40?'

Right, well, the thing to do is stay calm.

-Now, you listen to me, you fucking little bitch.

-'Andy?!'

I don't know what sick, twisted thrills you get

from ringing these helplines but it stops now.

-Do you hear me? Now!

-'But I've taken some tablets.'

-Good!

-'Andy?!'

Do you have any idea what you've done?

The damage you've caused?

'What are you talking about?

'I just wanted you to sing to me!'

Oh, fuck off!

Well, that is not how we do it in Wood Green.

MULTIPLE DIALLING TONES RING Hello, CSL Helpline...

Well, you all know me,

I'm not one for making speeches.

I'm more of a listener.

And I don't like saying goodbye either,

especially after all these years.

Erm, we've had our ups and downs in this office,

but I like to think I was always fair.

But we can't ignore the powers that be

and the recommendations that they've made.

So it's with great sadness

that we have to see Liz go.

I don't know if you want to say a few words, Liz?

Well, as you all know, I don't want to go,

but I've been er, shall we say,

politely encouraged to move on.

I shall miss...some of you...

you know who you are.

And I shall miss helping people,

because that's all I ever did.

And if that's not what you're meant

to do here, then I'm sorry.

Anyway, I've bought a bottle of Cava.

Have a little drink on me.

-Cheers, everybody.

-Yay.

Let's not forget why we're all here.

There's lots of people out there that need us tonight

so just sensible, please, don't go mad.

Would you open that for us?

I know you won't, but if you ever feel like ringing me,

this is me number.

Oh, thanks, Liz. I'll have to give you mine.

Oh, that's all right, Andy.

I know where you are.

Oh, thank you, Valerie. Oh, that's kind.

-What about you two?

-It's the fizz in it.

-I know.

PHONE RINGS

Hello, Comfort Support Line. How can I help you?

Oh, yes, I'll just put you through.

Andy!

-It's for you.

-Oh, right, thanks, Liz.

-PHONE RINGS

-Hello?

-WOMAN:

-'I've taken some tablets.'

What do you want, Chloe?

'I just wanted to say sorry. I didn't mean to upset you.'

You haven't upset me.

I feel sorry for you. You need help.

'That's why I'm ringing a helpline.'

No, you just want attention and I'm not giving it to you.

PHONE RINGS

Look, you ring this number again and I will track you down

and shut your stupid whining mouth up for good!

-MAN:

-'Is this the Comfort Support Line?'

Yes. How can I help you?

'I'll, I'll leave it for now, thank you.'

CALLER HANGS UP

PHONE RINGS

-CHLOE:

-'# You, you're such a big star to me... #'

-Stop it.

'# You're everything I want to be... #'

-Stop it, Chloe.

-'# But you're just stuck... #'

Right, I'm going to put you onto my colleague...

'No! I won't speak to anyone else, I only want to speak to you.'

Listen, Chloe...

I need you to understand something.

Because of your actions, an old lady died.

Now, that's very serious.

The police could get involved.

Do you see?

Someone took their own life

directly because of what you did.

'I don't think so, Andy.

'I think that's because of what YOU did.'

What?

'You said, "It's just a cat," didn't you?

'Told her to get another one.

'Maybe I should talk to the police?

'Tell them what actually happened.'

Who told you that?

'Are they having a party?

'I might come along.

'I know where you are.'

TENSE MUSIC PLAYS

PHONE RINGS

PHONE RINGS

CSL?

-ANDY:

-'Hello, Chloe.'

Sorry?

'What are you doing here?'

I forgot my bag.

Is that you, Andy?

'Yeah. I'm in George's office.'

Why?

'Chloe knew about the cat lady committing suicide.

'She knew we were having a party tonight.

'It had to be someone who works here.

'Oh, and then you turn up!'

Yeah, cos I forgot my bag. Who's Chloe?

'Don't worry, Joanne. I've got the time codes here.

'I'm going to find the footage of you calling me as Chloe

'and then I'm ringing the police.'

Andy, I don't know what

-you're talking about...

-HE HANGS UP CALL

What time codes? What are you talking about?

-MAN:

-'It's just that, you know,

'if-if I lose the farm then, that-that's it.

-'It's, it's all gone.'

-Mm, I see.

-'You know and...'

-FOOTAGE IS PUT INTO FASTFORWARD

'There's not many names you can give to cows these days

-'without sounding like an idiot.'

-Mm.

Oh, let me guess. Another PPI?

Persistent Pain in the Intestine, I call them.

Right, I'm off.

I've got a hot date with

a Frey Bentos steak and ale pie. PHONE RINGS

What do you want to talk about?

-ANDY:

-'Erm, I'm just here to listen, so you tell me.'

Well...I hate my life,

I hate my mum, I hate my step-dad...

especially hate my step-dad.

I haven't done anything with my life.

'How old are you, Chloe?'

I'm 16.

ENGAGED TONE BEEPS

And it's just in here...

Right, Andy, this is Glen.

-He's replacing Liz.

-Hi.

-All right?

Er, you just get yourself sat down here

and I'll do your induction in a minute.

-Is he not in yet?

-No.

-What do you think we should do?

-I'm going to call the police.

-Really?

-Yes!

You saw those clips. They go back years.

This isn't just nuisance phone calls. The guy is insane.

I spoke to Victoria last night. I told her it was all him.

She couldn't believe it. She's still on medication.

-Well, exactly. He's got to be stopped.

-OK.

PHONE RINGS

Won't be a minute.

Hello, Comfort Support Line, can I help you?

-GEORGE, AS CHLOE:

-'Hello, Andy. It's me.'

Hello.

'I don't think I'm going to be able to speak to you for a while.'

No, I don't think you are.

'I just wanted to say thank you for listening.

'27 years I've listened to other people's problems.

'I just wanted someone to listen to me.'

Mm.

Well, the police can listen to you, cos I'm going to call them.

Goodbye, George.

'I have done one last naughty thing.'

And what's that?

'You know the lady who killed herself because her cat died?'

Yeah.

'I told her son where you worked.'

-Andy!

-Yeah?

MUSIC: Shine by Take That