Zanzibar Inside No. 9

LIFT BELL CHIMES

Welcome to Hotel Zanzibar. I see you have not stayed with us before.

But, please, feel free to linger in our corridor

and take a butcher's around the ninth floor.

The residents who, here, will spend the night like mountaineers

at base camp, they just might be on their way up, or on their way down.

Some wear an anorak, others a crown.

Are all here to meet their fate head-on.

Will Lady Luck smile on you, come the dawn?

Who knows?

For I'm just here to link their ships

and smile and smile and hope for decent tips.

Mr Blue and Mr Brown are in the building.

For shame, Henry, why speak you to your cuff?

-There's no-one here. You're armed.

-Yes, sir.

-So, chill.

The fact that we use pseudonyms is enough

to keep me safe from harm, surely.

But, still, I made an oath to your father the king

that I would keep you in my sights all week.

His enemies would not hesitate to bring a gun to a knife fight.

-Henry!

-Let me speak.

You are our country's future, dearest Prince.

My job's to save you from any grievous plot.

But all this talk of murder makes me wince.

Like this iambic foot, you're stressed. I'm not.

Now, let me to my room. Good night, God bless.

-I take it we have all the channels.

-Yes.

Ah, Mr Brown, your luggage is within.

-Do you need a tour of the room?

-Not fussed.

-And, Mr Blue?

-I'm in 912, going.

And, just so you know, that tip's from both of us.

Sleep well, sweet prince.

He shall not live the night.

It is understood assassins wish him dead

to cleanse our country of his family's line.

So, when Prince Rico meets my little friend

and grief does shake the old King of his wits,

my father stands in readiness to rule.

Then I will wear the Prince's crown instead.

And I'm in 911...

..not 912!

Young man, come here. A word with you, I pray.

I wish to speak more plainly, if I may.

-Sir, it's the only language I understand.

-Good.

I wish to order some room service which is off menu,

-if you catch my drift.

-I do indeed, sir.

Would you care to describe the dish you have in mind?

-Female.

-Mm-hmm.

-Redhead.

-Mm-hmm.

-Mature.

-Oh!

Willing to indulge in some slightly unusual practices.

No problem. Yellow or brown?

-What?

-Does Sir prefer the water sign or the earth sign?

-Oh, water.

Oh, absolutely.

Here...

-The other half will come...

-After you do. I understand.

Leave it with me. I know just the girl for you.

Oh, happy days! The fates they do conspire.

I'll profit from another man's desire.

-Yes?

-I'm sorry, sir, but may I trouble you?

There is a strange man in my room.

Which room?

It's one of these

but which I cannot say.

Things fall out of my head so quick these days.

Did you not see the sign upon my door?

Do not disturb me, please, I do implore.

Sir, he's got me all aquiver.

-And here he comes! He means me harm.

-Mother!

I'm so sorry. She wanders off a lot.

Come back to bed, you're missing Emmerdale.

-Is this your son?

-I don't know.

-Yes, I am.

She knows me not, it's such a sorry tale.

-She took a tumble nipping into Boots, this was in August.

-1953.

She hit her head and now her memory's gone.

-My memory's fine!

-For them days, not for these.

She's like a goldfish that you win at t'fair.

-You mean, she's going to die within a week?

-No!

She swims about but nothing is retained.

We're trying this new memory technique.

-Are you my husband?

-No, he's just a man.

A man who wishes to be left in peace.

If that is all, I'm going to close the door.

-I met him once on Coronation Street.

-Oh, mother!

I can't believe you made me walk in heels.

A taxi would have been, like, £15.

Then you make me carry all these bags.

You know full well my back is really bad.

Why pay a boy in uniform a pound for doing something we can do ourselves?

-Sweetheart, don't be angry with me, please.

-You have the key card?

Yes, I've got it here.

Doesn't seem to work. Don't know why.

-What if I pop it quickly in and out?

-Just like our sex life.

-Amber!

Sorry.

No joy.

I'll go back to reception. You wait here.

No joy.

No joy we've had for ages now.

Ten years together. Maybe that's our peak.

Our love has turned as stale as last week's bread.

Long gone the days when he made my knees weak.

A night in a hotel won't be enough to keep my heart

from all this nagging doubt.

Do I extend my holiday with Gus

or do I pay my bill and then check out?

Madame, are you locked out of your room?

Yes, my boyfriend's gone to fetch another card.

-Oh, they are most unreliable.

-Boyfriends?

No, the key cards. But I know what you mean.

My Fred, he's the bellboy.

He can be a bit tricky sometimes but he's got a good heart.

-Have you been together a long time?

-Oh, yeah, ages. 15 weeks.

He is forever trying to drag me into one of the empty rooms

for a bit of how's your father.

But that turns me right off because my father's dead.

At least he's attentive.

Yeah, he's always standing to attention, if you take my meaning.

But there is nothing he wouldn't do for me.

So, do you want me to let you in? I've got a pass key.

No. Do you have any other rooms available?

Um, there's nobody booked in 913.

I can show you in there, if you like.

You're right. A woman should be wooed. With care.

Oh, no! We haven't had it off in there.

Excuse me, Miss.

I hate to be a bore.

I was looking at my key card

And I saw the number of this room is 911.

For me to stay in here can't be done.

-You do not like the number, sir?

-No way.

Well, 914 has just come free today.

Oh, I'm very superstitious as a rate.

To stay in 911's tempting fate.

Well, at least, you haven't had to travel far.

Have you taken anything from the minibar?

No, but will you tell the bellboy on this floor

the watersports will now be 914.

What watersports? We haven't got a pool.

Excuse me, I am missing a plug for my bath.

-It's not electric, sir, that would be dangerous.

-To keep the water in!

-Oh, that kind of plug. I'll try and find you one, Mr...

-Green.

Poor girl, she does not know the reason why

I need a bath plug urgently.

For that, which stops the water running out,

will stop also what little life there is in me.

When these blue rivers in my wrist do run and mingle

with the cheap bath salts and soap

then will my guilt drain out with them to sea.

And will my children mourn? I can but hope.

My boys.

My twins were given up at birth.

Their mother died, I was still in jail.

One stayed in England, one was sent abroad.

I know not what became of either one.

So, tonight,

I will put me to my sword.

But for a bath plug.

Then, 'tis quickly done.

I have the new card here, Amber. She's gone.

Perhaps she is inside.

Or has she flown?

Oh, these sodding key cards never bloody work!

I must have held it near my mobile phone.

Colette, my dainty dumpling

is going to meet me here for a bit of how's your dead father.

Leave it on the latch.

Well, the key cards can't be trusted.

Oh, sir, may we speak plainly once again?

-Of course.

-You're barking up the wrong tree. Your room is down here.

911.

Oh, I see. That'll be why the card refused to work.

-Your room service is on its way.

-Oh, great.

Bring it straight up, will you?

And, um, be discreet.

Naturally.

Anything else I can help you with, sir?

No, thank you.

Oh.

Oh.

Very kind, sir.

From £50 to 20 pence?

What did I do wrong?

She's not yet here. My plan is now afoot.

I have arranged for an apple tart to be brought to our room,

but unbeknownst to Amber, a ring is baked within.

And when she takes her first big bite of that confectionery,

I will, I hope, she'll say.

And, merrily, we'll marry.

-I need a wee.

-Be quiet, have some tact.

-We must discuss the tariff for this act.

-I have to pay?

No, madam, I pay you.

£1,000.

And how much for a poo?

-So, were you once a redhead?

-Oh, behave.

I said mature, not dug up from the grave.

Will you do bondage?

Yes, there's every chance. I did a course at St John's Ambulance.

I'm glad that you are keen, that's good to know.

Just tie me up and you can let it flow.

You know I'm staying in here tonight?

-OK.

-I need some space.

-I care not what you do.

-You really are a pig!

-What's that?

-Who's this?

Just go back to bed and I will join you soon.

No longer in the shadows can I lurk.

'Tis time for me to attend my grisly work.

But wait, if I am to be blameless of this deed,

then must I have an alibi as fact.

I did just see the hypnotist downstairs.

He really did a very funny act.

But wait. What if I could be the hero of the hour?

As if I've fought to save the Prince's life,

I'll cut my face to illustrate my lie.

But what if I go too deep with a knife.

Oh, come, Henry, stop equivocating! Act.

The time for dilly-dallying has gone.

Just raise your hand and stab his bleeding heart.

I hope I didn't leave the talkback on.

Hello? Hello.

BELL RINGS

Excuse me, Miss, do you have my plug?

I do have a plug but probably not the kind you mean.

Are you the gentleman from 911? Mr Brown?

I am Mr Brown's security adviser. What mean you with him?

He's ordered some executive relief.

The details of which are not for you to know.

-Suffice to say, he is the executive...

-And you are the relief.

Well, I'll certainly be relieving myself. Now, let me in, please.

I've got another slot to fill at ten.

May I ask your name?

Tracey, but people call me Red.

Well, then, Little Red.

How would you to increase your fee tonight threefold?

You've pricked my interest. What did you have in mind?

My master has a meeting in the morn of great import.

-I don't want him up all night.

-Neither do I, believe me.

After you and he have done the deed,

he, most like, will imbibe a glass of wine.

Into his cup, this tincture pour.

-It is a sedative to help him sleep.

-Oh, fine.

I thought you were after a spit-roast.

No, I just had a sandwich.

Good evening, sir, I trust that all is well.

Oh, yes. Thank you. The room is very nice.

-I hear you ordered a tart this evening.

-I did. Has it arrived?

-Just now.

-Bring it in.

Thus, when the Prince in deepest slumber lays,

then will I strike and so avoid his gaze.

Better he dies still thinking me a friend.

This wench has helped me bring about his end.

Mother! Mother! She's vanished from the room.

Two minutes in the shower and she's gone.

I thought Emmerdale and Corrie was enough to keep her busy

but she's done a bunk!

I'm sorry to disturb you once again. You haven't got my mother in there?

No! Why can't you people just leave me in peace?

Can you not see that I'm tied up right now?

God knows what goes on behind these closed doors.

Don't ask, don't tell, as Mother always says.

BELL RINGS

I'd better find her quick before she falls.

I'll try the hypnotism show downstairs.

I saw your hypnotism show downstairs. It was really good.

Thank you, child. I was exceptional tonight, though I say so myself.

It is a potent combination of neurolinguistic programming

-and my persuasive vocal technique.

-Yeah.

I liked it when they had to do the hokey cokey

every time you shouted spaghetti bolognese!

Aye, well, it is important to entertain as well as educate.

One sometimes has to paint in primary colours.

-This is your room, 916.

-Thank you, child.

-I'll take a glass of vino when you're ready.

-Of course.

-And the lady I was telling you about is there in 913.

-Ah, yes.

Unhappy in love, you say.

She seems to be, but then I heard her boyfriend order this.

It has an engagement ring inside.

How very tacky!

She just needs a little persuasion, that's all.

Is that something you could do?

My child, I have hypnotised smokers to stop smoking

and fatties to stop eating.

I'm sure I can use my skills to make true love bloom again.

It would be nice to have a happy ending,

for I feel I am partly to blame.

Come, I'll take you to her.

-Yes?

-Excuse me, Madam. This is Vince De Trans.

He's the hypnotist at Zanzibar.

I once regressed a lady through past lives.

Turned out she was a maid of Cleopatra.

What on earth has that to do with me?

If we could come in for a moment, you will see.

Here you are, Madam. And I thank you for your pains.

I'm not sure what just happened, but thanks, Mister.

Would you ever consider girl on girl?

I did once share a bunk bed with my sister.

Well, I know my door begins with number nine.

Oh, this one's open, guess it must be mine.

Madam! What mean you by this?

Like a scalded she-cat you have sprayed me!

Why else are you paying me?

Paying you? Paying you?

You have done me the most disgraceful wrong.

I will see that you are sorely punished.

Fine. But that'll cost you extra.

Now, come, sirrah, and take a sip of wine.

Madam, I have take had quite enough of your fluids. I'll take no more.

What seems to be the issue here, sir?

Her issue is my issue!

This harlot, this creature, this redheaded whore...

-Yes?

-..has just...

I can scarce get out the words. Has just...

..used me as a privy!

Excellent!

-And I trust it all went swimmingly.

-He refuses now to pay.

Oh, I must insist you pay the lady, sir.

Otherwise, she is wont to stay and make a fuss

and, whilst we're on it, perhaps you could supply the other half of this?

Have I gone mad?

Has the world turned upside down?

I am assaulted on all sides then ask to pay for the pleasure.

-That's the idea.

-Is this some kind of role-play?

Pay me my money!

I will not!

Will you please be quiet!

You keep me from my work.

Look, Red. You wait up here awhile and I will soothe his ire.

I'm hungry and you promised me a meal.

-Here, take these leftovers.

-Leftovers?

-Look!

-Here, have this. It hasn't been touched.

-OK.

Give me but two minutes, I prithee.

Now, child, the ritual is complete and she is in a trancelike state.

When you bring her boyfriend to her door,

she will look upon him with new-found ardour

-and passionately embrace him.

-Thank you, Vince.

Cupid himself could not have aimed more true.

I'll fetch him right away.

Ah!

Perfect.

Hello, kind sir. I am Colette the maid.

I'm on an errand, if you would be led.

Ah, good the maid. You must have read my mind.

There's been little spillage on the bed.

Oh, but, sir. I mean...

-No, Mrs Hargreaves, you're in here. 918.

-Are you my son?

-No.

-Oh.

I had him with me but he's forever wandering off.

BELL

I have searched every floor from one to nine.

Of my mother, alas, there is no sign.

I curse the day that she went into Boots.

She only wanted Schwarzkopf for her roots.

She slipped and went down like a tonne of bricks,

covered from head to toe in Tixylix

Oh, I should never have let her from my sight.

I pray that someone's seen her here tonight.

Ah, hello.

-What angel is this knocks upon my door?

-Sorry?

My heart has burst and overflowed with joy.

A vision of such beauty and rare poise.

I did do ballet lessons as a boy.

Thine eyes are pools wherein I see myself.

Thy apple cheeks are soft as new-fallen snow.

What are you doing?

Two cherry lips, I long to take a bite.

I'm going to be reporting this!

Thy firm physique doth make my juices flow!

-It's very nice to meet you, Mrs...

-Miss!

And I intend to have you now, right here!

There is a little problem with that plan.

I hate to have to tell you, but I'm...

..not looking for a relationship at the moment.

If you just come with me. Alas, what's this?

Fair Amber with another man entwined.

She must have seen him first.

Madam, desist! Your boyfriend's here.

I do not care for him.

This man, this god!

This vision is my love.

-Come, let me see thy mighty sword.

-Go away!

I wish to keep my sword within its sheath!

It's more like a little dagger anyway.

Sir, speak you to your girlfriend and explain. She has the wrong man.

I know her not. She slapped my face. The woman is insane.

Insane with love!

-And there is but one cure.

-Oh, God!

I've waited long enough in there!

Pay up!

Pay up? For what? I know not what you mean.

This hotel is full of madwomen, I swear.

-You take the piss!

-No, you took it from me.

Oh!

Mother! Where have you been? You had me worried.

I found her wandering in the corridor.

Here's 50 for your trouble.

Mother! Where did you get that money from?

From him.

Give me that money, grandma! I've earned it.

Well, I earned it, too. Though how, I can't recall.

-You did screw my boyfriend.

-Did you, Mother?

-It's all my fault.

-I've messed it up.

-Calm down.

We just need to untangle what is tangled.

-This gentleman was booked in 914.

-No, that is Mr Brown from 911.

In bed with Red while Amber was next door.

Then, Mr Green in 915...

-His bath plug!

-..and Blue in 912.

-Who have I missed?

-Red, Amber, Green.

Am I coming or going?

We need to speak to Vince the hypnotist.

Prince Rico, what has happened? Aren't you tired?

I thought you would be sleeping now.

With this? You have to give me shelter from these people

Good Henry, you're the only one I trust.

Oh, Amber. There you are, my love. I've missed you.

I've not missed you, you necrophiliac.

I'm sorry?

I saw you in your room with that old hussy.

Excuse me, I'm not that old!

She means me.

I know I haven't been the perfect boyfriend.

But I want to show you this.

Is this my cake?

You have to know what lies beneath this dome

is a symbol of what you mean to me.

Ooh.

As proposals go, I have seen better.

It's not the most romantic thing to show, a load of old bones.

-Excuse me, that's my mother.

-Do you mean me? Who are you again?

-This should have been...

-An apple tart? I ate it.

There was a diamond ring concealed within.

Your ring has gone from one tart to another.

Why don't you shut your mouth, you stuck-up b...?

- Ow! - Mother!

Calm down, let's put you back in here.

How are you feeling, Mother? Are you OK?

How many fingers am I holding up?

Oh, Robert! I can't see without my glasses.

-What did you say?

-I said I can't see.

-Well, you just called me Robert.

-Well, that's your name.

-A mother ought to know her son.

-Good God. That slap,

it must have brought you back to me. Oh!

Amber, listen, I do love thee.

She is bewitched, I cannot break the spell.

Just tell us, Vince, what do we need to know to make this right?

I'm sleeping now. Good night.

-Has he been drinking?

-He had a glass of wine.

Urgh!

Then I take matters into my own hands.

Don't touch me with those trotters, you fat pig!

With true love's kiss, I aim to break the spell.

No, don't!

-Sorry.

-No, I meant don't stop.

-I thought she's your girlfriend.

-Mother, please.

Poor Gus! I don't know what came over me.

It wasn't me, I can promise you that.

I love a happy ending, don't you, Fred?

In 917, there's an empty bed.

Of this confusion, I have had my fill.

Excuse me, Miss. I'd like to pay my bill.

AARRGGHH!

For the final time, will you be...?

What's this?

Two peas from the same pod, both shelled.

Do my old eyes deceive me,

or could I be looking at the sons I briefly held?

I was adopted as a child.

And I.

-I never knew my father.

-Until now.

I pray you, sirs, do not an old man mock.

We must get to the bottom of this.

How?

The proof, it is behind you.

For my boys both bore a birthmark on their bare behinds.

-It was a most unusual shape.

-I know!

It looks just like...

BOTH: ..the chair from Mastermind!

It's true. I saw it on his bum.

It makes me think of Magnus Magnusson!

Give me but one moment, I implore.

I won't need that bath plug any more.

I always felt that I was but a half.

Lacking not just a father and a mother.

Meeting your other half makes you a whole.

-Does that sound wrong?

-It's nice to meet you...

..brother.

Oh! Lovely!

So, all is resolved. Just like a theatre play.

And I can get my happy end away.

Not so fast!

Everybody stay exactly where they are.

I'm sorry to break up this pretty scene

but I have unfinished business with Prince Rico.

I pray you, sirs, which one of you is he?

-'Tis I.

-'Tis I.

-'Tis I.

-Mother, calm down!

You have set this up to try to muddle me.

Step forward, Prince, or Daddy gets the knife.

That's what you call dramatic irony!

Oh, I know him. He saw my show tonight.

Please, spare his life and take me in his place.

I've had enough. The old man has to die. I'll spill his guts.

Spaghetti bolognese!

Urgh!

# Ooooooh! The hokey cokey!

# Oooooh, the hokey cokey... #

-Vince, you've saved the day.

-Thank you, child.

I'm glad that everyone is reconciled.

-I thought I was goner.

-No way, Pops.

Let's lock him in his room and call the cops.

# Left leg out!

# In, out, in, out! Shake it all about! #

Can someone tell me what's gone on today?

It's more than a rhyming couplet can relay.

I wish you had your diamond ring.

But, hush!

I think that I did hear a toilet flush.

Oh!

You found it.

Aw!

SMATTERING OF APPLAUSE

I hope you've enjoyed your stay at Zanzibar.

We're all little older, if not wiser.

If you've enjoyed your stay, please, tell your friends.

And write a nice review on TripAdvisor!