Zanzibar Inside No. 9


Zanzibar

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LIFT BELL CHIMES

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Welcome to Hotel Zanzibar. I see you have not stayed with us before.

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But, please, feel free to linger in our corridor

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and take a butcher's around the ninth floor.

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The residents who, here, will spend the night like mountaineers

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at base camp, they just might be on their way up, or on their way down.

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Some wear an anorak, others a crown.

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Are all here to meet their fate head-on.

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Will Lady Luck smile on you, come the dawn?

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Who knows?

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For I'm just here to link their ships

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and smile and smile and hope for decent tips.

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Mr Blue and Mr Brown are in the building.

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For shame, Henry, why speak you to your cuff?

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-There's no-one here. You're armed.

-Yes, sir.

-So, chill.

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The fact that we use pseudonyms is enough

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to keep me safe from harm, surely.

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But, still, I made an oath to your father the king

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that I would keep you in my sights all week.

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His enemies would not hesitate to bring a gun to a knife fight.

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-Henry!

-Let me speak.

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You are our country's future, dearest Prince.

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My job's to save you from any grievous plot.

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But all this talk of murder makes me wince.

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Like this iambic foot, you're stressed. I'm not.

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Now, let me to my room. Good night, God bless.

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-I take it we have all the channels.

-Yes.

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Ah, Mr Brown, your luggage is within.

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-Do you need a tour of the room?

-Not fussed.

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-And, Mr Blue?

-I'm in 912, going.

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And, just so you know, that tip's from both of us.

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Sleep well, sweet prince.

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He shall not live the night.

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It is understood assassins wish him dead

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to cleanse our country of his family's line.

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So, when Prince Rico meets my little friend

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and grief does shake the old King of his wits,

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my father stands in readiness to rule.

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Then I will wear the Prince's crown instead.

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And I'm in 911...

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..not 912!

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Young man, come here. A word with you, I pray.

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I wish to speak more plainly, if I may.

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-Sir, it's the only language I understand.

-Good.

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I wish to order some room service which is off menu,

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-if you catch my drift.

-I do indeed, sir.

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Would you care to describe the dish you have in mind?

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-Female.

-Mm-hmm.

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-Redhead.

-Mm-hmm.

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-Mature.

-Oh!

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Willing to indulge in some slightly unusual practices.

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No problem. Yellow or brown?

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-What?

-Does Sir prefer the water sign or the earth sign?

-Oh, water.

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Oh, absolutely.

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Here...

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-The other half will come...

-After you do. I understand.

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Leave it with me. I know just the girl for you.

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Oh, happy days! The fates they do conspire.

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I'll profit from another man's desire.

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-Yes?

-I'm sorry, sir, but may I trouble you?

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There is a strange man in my room.

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Which room?

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It's one of these

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but which I cannot say.

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Things fall out of my head so quick these days.

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Did you not see the sign upon my door?

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Do not disturb me, please, I do implore.

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Sir, he's got me all aquiver.

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-And here he comes! He means me harm.

-Mother!

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I'm so sorry. She wanders off a lot.

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Come back to bed, you're missing Emmerdale.

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-Is this your son?

-I don't know.

-Yes, I am.

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She knows me not, it's such a sorry tale.

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-She took a tumble nipping into Boots, this was in August.

-1953.

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She hit her head and now her memory's gone.

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-My memory's fine!

-For them days, not for these.

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She's like a goldfish that you win at t'fair.

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-You mean, she's going to die within a week?

-No!

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She swims about but nothing is retained.

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We're trying this new memory technique.

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-Are you my husband?

-No, he's just a man.

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A man who wishes to be left in peace.

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If that is all, I'm going to close the door.

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-I met him once on Coronation Street.

-Oh, mother!

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I can't believe you made me walk in heels.

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A taxi would have been, like, £15.

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Then you make me carry all these bags.

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You know full well my back is really bad.

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Why pay a boy in uniform a pound for doing something we can do ourselves?

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-Sweetheart, don't be angry with me, please.

-You have the key card?

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Yes, I've got it here.

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Doesn't seem to work. Don't know why.

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-What if I pop it quickly in and out?

-Just like our sex life.

-Amber!

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Sorry.

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No joy.

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I'll go back to reception. You wait here.

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No joy.

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No joy we've had for ages now.

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Ten years together. Maybe that's our peak.

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Our love has turned as stale as last week's bread.

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Long gone the days when he made my knees weak.

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A night in a hotel won't be enough to keep my heart

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from all this nagging doubt.

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Do I extend my holiday with Gus

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or do I pay my bill and then check out?

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Madame, are you locked out of your room?

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Yes, my boyfriend's gone to fetch another card.

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-Oh, they are most unreliable.

-Boyfriends?

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No, the key cards. But I know what you mean.

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My Fred, he's the bellboy.

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He can be a bit tricky sometimes but he's got a good heart.

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-Have you been together a long time?

-Oh, yeah, ages. 15 weeks.

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He is forever trying to drag me into one of the empty rooms

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for a bit of how's your father.

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But that turns me right off because my father's dead.

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At least he's attentive.

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Yeah, he's always standing to attention, if you take my meaning.

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But there is nothing he wouldn't do for me.

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So, do you want me to let you in? I've got a pass key.

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No. Do you have any other rooms available?

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Um, there's nobody booked in 913.

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I can show you in there, if you like.

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You're right. A woman should be wooed. With care.

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Oh, no! We haven't had it off in there.

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Excuse me, Miss.

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I hate to be a bore.

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I was looking at my key card

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And I saw the number of this room is 911.

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For me to stay in here can't be done.

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-You do not like the number, sir?

-No way.

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Well, 914 has just come free today.

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Oh, I'm very superstitious as a rate.

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To stay in 911's tempting fate.

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Well, at least, you haven't had to travel far.

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Have you taken anything from the minibar?

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No, but will you tell the bellboy on this floor

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the watersports will now be 914.

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What watersports? We haven't got a pool.

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Excuse me, I am missing a plug for my bath.

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-It's not electric, sir, that would be dangerous.

-To keep the water in!

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-Oh, that kind of plug. I'll try and find you one, Mr...

-Green.

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Poor girl, she does not know the reason why

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I need a bath plug urgently.

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For that, which stops the water running out,

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will stop also what little life there is in me.

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When these blue rivers in my wrist do run and mingle

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with the cheap bath salts and soap

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then will my guilt drain out with them to sea.

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And will my children mourn? I can but hope.

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My boys.

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My twins were given up at birth.

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Their mother died, I was still in jail.

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One stayed in England, one was sent abroad.

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I know not what became of either one.

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So, tonight,

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I will put me to my sword.

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But for a bath plug.

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Then, 'tis quickly done.

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I have the new card here, Amber. She's gone.

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Perhaps she is inside.

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Or has she flown?

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Oh, these sodding key cards never bloody work!

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I must have held it near my mobile phone.

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Colette, my dainty dumpling

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is going to meet me here for a bit of how's your dead father.

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Leave it on the latch.

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Well, the key cards can't be trusted.

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Oh, sir, may we speak plainly once again?

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-Of course.

-You're barking up the wrong tree. Your room is down here.

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911.

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Oh, I see. That'll be why the card refused to work.

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-Your room service is on its way.

-Oh, great.

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Bring it straight up, will you?

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And, um, be discreet.

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Naturally.

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Anything else I can help you with, sir?

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No, thank you.

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Oh.

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Oh.

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Very kind, sir.

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From £50 to 20 pence?

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What did I do wrong?

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She's not yet here. My plan is now afoot.

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I have arranged for an apple tart to be brought to our room,

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but unbeknownst to Amber, a ring is baked within.

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And when she takes her first big bite of that confectionery,

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I will, I hope, she'll say.

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And, merrily, we'll marry.

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-I need a wee.

-Be quiet, have some tact.

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-We must discuss the tariff for this act.

-I have to pay?

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No, madam, I pay you.

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£1,000.

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And how much for a poo?

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-So, were you once a redhead?

-Oh, behave.

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I said mature, not dug up from the grave.

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Will you do bondage?

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Yes, there's every chance. I did a course at St John's Ambulance.

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I'm glad that you are keen, that's good to know.

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Just tie me up and you can let it flow.

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You know I'm staying in here tonight?

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-OK.

-I need some space.

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-I care not what you do.

-You really are a pig!

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-What's that?

-Who's this?

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Just go back to bed and I will join you soon.

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No longer in the shadows can I lurk.

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'Tis time for me to attend my grisly work.

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But wait, if I am to be blameless of this deed,

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then must I have an alibi as fact.

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I did just see the hypnotist downstairs.

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He really did a very funny act.

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But wait. What if I could be the hero of the hour?

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As if I've fought to save the Prince's life,

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I'll cut my face to illustrate my lie.

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But what if I go too deep with a knife.

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Oh, come, Henry, stop equivocating! Act.

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The time for dilly-dallying has gone.

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Just raise your hand and stab his bleeding heart.

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I hope I didn't leave the talkback on.

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Hello? Hello.

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BELL RINGS

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Excuse me, Miss, do you have my plug?

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I do have a plug but probably not the kind you mean.

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Are you the gentleman from 911? Mr Brown?

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I am Mr Brown's security adviser. What mean you with him?

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He's ordered some executive relief.

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The details of which are not for you to know.

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-Suffice to say, he is the executive...

-And you are the relief.

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Well, I'll certainly be relieving myself. Now, let me in, please.

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I've got another slot to fill at ten.

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May I ask your name?

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Tracey, but people call me Red.

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Well, then, Little Red.

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How would you to increase your fee tonight threefold?

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You've pricked my interest. What did you have in mind?

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My master has a meeting in the morn of great import.

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-I don't want him up all night.

-Neither do I, believe me.

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After you and he have done the deed,

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he, most like, will imbibe a glass of wine.

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Into his cup, this tincture pour.

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-It is a sedative to help him sleep.

-Oh, fine.

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I thought you were after a spit-roast.

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No, I just had a sandwich.

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Good evening, sir, I trust that all is well.

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Oh, yes. Thank you. The room is very nice.

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-I hear you ordered a tart this evening.

-I did. Has it arrived?

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-Just now.

-Bring it in.

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Thus, when the Prince in deepest slumber lays,

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then will I strike and so avoid his gaze.

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Better he dies still thinking me a friend.

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This wench has helped me bring about his end.

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Mother! Mother! She's vanished from the room.

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Two minutes in the shower and she's gone.

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I thought Emmerdale and Corrie was enough to keep her busy

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but she's done a bunk!

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I'm sorry to disturb you once again. You haven't got my mother in there?

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No! Why can't you people just leave me in peace?

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Can you not see that I'm tied up right now?

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God knows what goes on behind these closed doors.

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Don't ask, don't tell, as Mother always says.

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BELL RINGS

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I'd better find her quick before she falls.

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I'll try the hypnotism show downstairs.

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I saw your hypnotism show downstairs. It was really good.

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Thank you, child. I was exceptional tonight, though I say so myself.

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It is a potent combination of neurolinguistic programming

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-and my persuasive vocal technique.

-Yeah.

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I liked it when they had to do the hokey cokey

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every time you shouted spaghetti bolognese!

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Aye, well, it is important to entertain as well as educate.

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One sometimes has to paint in primary colours.

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-This is your room, 916.

-Thank you, child.

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-I'll take a glass of vino when you're ready.

-Of course.

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-And the lady I was telling you about is there in 913.

-Ah, yes.

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Unhappy in love, you say.

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She seems to be, but then I heard her boyfriend order this.

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It has an engagement ring inside.

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How very tacky!

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She just needs a little persuasion, that's all.

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Is that something you could do?

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My child, I have hypnotised smokers to stop smoking

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and fatties to stop eating.

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I'm sure I can use my skills to make true love bloom again.

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It would be nice to have a happy ending,

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for I feel I am partly to blame.

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Come, I'll take you to her.

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-Yes?

-Excuse me, Madam. This is Vince De Trans.

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He's the hypnotist at Zanzibar.

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I once regressed a lady through past lives.

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Turned out she was a maid of Cleopatra.

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What on earth has that to do with me?

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If we could come in for a moment, you will see.

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Here you are, Madam. And I thank you for your pains.

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I'm not sure what just happened, but thanks, Mister.

0:17:010:17:04

Would you ever consider girl on girl?

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I did once share a bunk bed with my sister.

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Well, I know my door begins with number nine.

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Oh, this one's open, guess it must be mine.

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Madam! What mean you by this?

0:17:230:17:25

Like a scalded she-cat you have sprayed me!

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Why else are you paying me?

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Paying you? Paying you?

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You have done me the most disgraceful wrong.

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I will see that you are sorely punished.

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Fine. But that'll cost you extra.

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Now, come, sirrah, and take a sip of wine.

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Madam, I have take had quite enough of your fluids. I'll take no more.

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What seems to be the issue here, sir?

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Her issue is my issue!

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This harlot, this creature, this redheaded whore...

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-Yes?

-..has just...

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I can scarce get out the words. Has just...

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..used me as a privy!

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Excellent!

0:18:050:18:07

-And I trust it all went swimmingly.

-He refuses now to pay.

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Oh, I must insist you pay the lady, sir.

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Otherwise, she is wont to stay and make a fuss

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and, whilst we're on it, perhaps you could supply the other half of this?

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Have I gone mad?

0:18:210:18:23

Has the world turned upside down?

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I am assaulted on all sides then ask to pay for the pleasure.

0:18:240:18:27

-That's the idea.

-Is this some kind of role-play?

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Pay me my money!

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I will not!

0:18:310:18:33

Will you please be quiet!

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You keep me from my work.

0:18:370:18:38

Look, Red. You wait up here awhile and I will soothe his ire.

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I'm hungry and you promised me a meal.

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-Here, take these leftovers.

-Leftovers?

-Look!

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-Here, have this. It hasn't been touched.

-OK.

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Give me but two minutes, I prithee.

0:18:580:19:01

Now, child, the ritual is complete and she is in a trancelike state.

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When you bring her boyfriend to her door,

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she will look upon him with new-found ardour

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-and passionately embrace him.

-Thank you, Vince.

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Cupid himself could not have aimed more true.

0:19:200:19:22

I'll fetch him right away.

0:19:220:19:24

Ah!

0:19:240:19:25

Perfect.

0:19:250:19:26

Hello, kind sir. I am Colette the maid.

0:19:280:19:30

I'm on an errand, if you would be led.

0:19:300:19:31

Ah, good the maid. You must have read my mind.

0:19:310:19:33

There's been little spillage on the bed.

0:19:330:19:35

Oh, but, sir. I mean...

0:19:350:19:37

-No, Mrs Hargreaves, you're in here. 918.

-Are you my son?

-No.

-Oh.

0:19:390:19:45

I had him with me but he's forever wandering off.

0:19:450:19:48

BELL

0:19:500:19:51

I have searched every floor from one to nine.

0:19:510:19:54

Of my mother, alas, there is no sign.

0:19:540:19:56

I curse the day that she went into Boots.

0:19:560:19:58

She only wanted Schwarzkopf for her roots.

0:19:580:20:01

She slipped and went down like a tonne of bricks,

0:20:010:20:03

covered from head to toe in Tixylix

0:20:030:20:05

Oh, I should never have let her from my sight.

0:20:050:20:07

I pray that someone's seen her here tonight.

0:20:070:20:10

Ah, hello.

0:20:120:20:15

-What angel is this knocks upon my door?

-Sorry?

0:20:150:20:18

My heart has burst and overflowed with joy.

0:20:180:20:22

A vision of such beauty and rare poise.

0:20:240:20:27

I did do ballet lessons as a boy.

0:20:270:20:29

Thine eyes are pools wherein I see myself.

0:20:290:20:32

Thy apple cheeks are soft as new-fallen snow.

0:20:330:20:36

What are you doing?

0:20:360:20:37

Two cherry lips, I long to take a bite.

0:20:370:20:39

I'm going to be reporting this!

0:20:390:20:41

Thy firm physique doth make my juices flow!

0:20:410:20:43

-It's very nice to meet you, Mrs...

-Miss!

0:20:430:20:46

And I intend to have you now, right here!

0:20:460:20:49

There is a little problem with that plan.

0:20:490:20:51

I hate to have to tell you, but I'm...

0:20:510:20:53

..not looking for a relationship at the moment.

0:20:530:20:55

If you just come with me. Alas, what's this?

0:20:550:20:58

Fair Amber with another man entwined.

0:20:580:21:00

She must have seen him first.

0:21:000:21:02

Madam, desist! Your boyfriend's here.

0:21:020:21:04

I do not care for him.

0:21:040:21:06

This man, this god!

0:21:060:21:08

This vision is my love.

0:21:080:21:11

-Come, let me see thy mighty sword.

-Go away!

0:21:110:21:14

I wish to keep my sword within its sheath!

0:21:140:21:16

It's more like a little dagger anyway.

0:21:160:21:18

Sir, speak you to your girlfriend and explain. She has the wrong man.

0:21:180:21:22

I know her not. She slapped my face. The woman is insane.

0:21:220:21:25

Insane with love!

0:21:250:21:27

-And there is but one cure.

-Oh, God!

0:21:270:21:30

I've waited long enough in there!

0:21:300:21:32

Pay up!

0:21:320:21:34

Pay up? For what? I know not what you mean.

0:21:340:21:37

This hotel is full of madwomen, I swear.

0:21:370:21:39

-You take the piss!

-No, you took it from me.

0:21:390:21:42

Oh!

0:21:420:21:43

Mother! Where have you been? You had me worried.

0:21:440:21:47

I found her wandering in the corridor.

0:21:470:21:49

Here's 50 for your trouble.

0:21:490:21:50

Mother! Where did you get that money from?

0:21:500:21:53

From him.

0:21:530:21:54

Give me that money, grandma! I've earned it.

0:21:540:21:57

Well, I earned it, too. Though how, I can't recall.

0:21:570:21:59

-You did screw my boyfriend.

-Did you, Mother?

-It's all my fault.

0:21:590:22:03

-I've messed it up.

-Calm down.

0:22:030:22:05

We just need to untangle what is tangled.

0:22:050:22:07

-This gentleman was booked in 914.

-No, that is Mr Brown from 911.

0:22:070:22:10

In bed with Red while Amber was next door.

0:22:100:22:12

Then, Mr Green in 915...

0:22:120:22:13

-His bath plug!

-..and Blue in 912.

0:22:130:22:15

-Who have I missed?

-Red, Amber, Green.

0:22:150:22:17

Am I coming or going?

0:22:170:22:18

We need to speak to Vince the hypnotist.

0:22:180:22:20

Prince Rico, what has happened? Aren't you tired?

0:22:230:22:26

I thought you would be sleeping now.

0:22:260:22:27

With this? You have to give me shelter from these people

0:22:270:22:29

Good Henry, you're the only one I trust.

0:22:290:22:31

Oh, Amber. There you are, my love. I've missed you.

0:22:370:22:40

I've not missed you, you necrophiliac.

0:22:400:22:44

I'm sorry?

0:22:440:22:45

I saw you in your room with that old hussy.

0:22:450:22:47

Excuse me, I'm not that old!

0:22:470:22:48

She means me.

0:22:480:22:49

I know I haven't been the perfect boyfriend.

0:22:500:22:53

But I want to show you this.

0:22:530:22:55

Is this my cake?

0:22:550:22:57

You have to know what lies beneath this dome

0:23:010:23:05

is a symbol of what you mean to me.

0:23:050:23:07

Ooh.

0:23:110:23:13

As proposals go, I have seen better.

0:23:130:23:14

It's not the most romantic thing to show, a load of old bones.

0:23:140:23:17

-Excuse me, that's my mother.

-Do you mean me? Who are you again?

0:23:170:23:22

-This should have been...

-An apple tart? I ate it.

0:23:220:23:26

There was a diamond ring concealed within.

0:23:260:23:28

Your ring has gone from one tart to another.

0:23:280:23:30

Why don't you shut your mouth, you stuck-up b...?

0:23:300:23:33

- Ow! - Mother!

0:23:330:23:36

Calm down, let's put you back in here.

0:23:360:23:39

How are you feeling, Mother? Are you OK?

0:23:410:23:43

How many fingers am I holding up?

0:23:430:23:44

Oh, Robert! I can't see without my glasses.

0:23:440:23:47

-What did you say?

-I said I can't see.

0:23:470:23:49

-Well, you just called me Robert.

-Well, that's your name.

0:23:490:23:53

-A mother ought to know her son.

-Good God. That slap,

0:23:530:23:55

it must have brought you back to me. Oh!

0:23:550:23:58

Amber, listen, I do love thee.

0:23:580:24:01

She is bewitched, I cannot break the spell.

0:24:010:24:04

Just tell us, Vince, what do we need to know to make this right?

0:24:040:24:08

I'm sleeping now. Good night.

0:24:080:24:10

-Has he been drinking?

-He had a glass of wine.

0:24:120:24:14

Urgh!

0:24:160:24:17

Then I take matters into my own hands.

0:24:240:24:27

Don't touch me with those trotters, you fat pig!

0:24:270:24:29

With true love's kiss, I aim to break the spell.

0:24:290:24:32

No, don't!

0:24:370:24:38

-Sorry.

-No, I meant don't stop.

0:24:380:24:40

-I thought she's your girlfriend.

-Mother, please.

0:24:430:24:46

Poor Gus! I don't know what came over me.

0:24:460:24:49

It wasn't me, I can promise you that.

0:24:490:24:51

I love a happy ending, don't you, Fred?

0:24:510:24:53

In 917, there's an empty bed.

0:24:530:24:56

Of this confusion, I have had my fill.

0:24:560:24:57

Excuse me, Miss. I'd like to pay my bill.

0:24:570:25:00

AARRGGHH!

0:25:080:25:09

For the final time, will you be...?

0:25:090:25:11

What's this?

0:25:190:25:20

Two peas from the same pod, both shelled.

0:25:220:25:26

Do my old eyes deceive me,

0:25:260:25:28

or could I be looking at the sons I briefly held?

0:25:280:25:32

I was adopted as a child.

0:25:340:25:36

And I.

0:25:370:25:39

-I never knew my father.

-Until now.

0:25:390:25:42

I pray you, sirs, do not an old man mock.

0:25:440:25:47

We must get to the bottom of this.

0:25:470:25:50

How?

0:25:500:25:51

The proof, it is behind you.

0:25:510:25:53

For my boys both bore a birthmark on their bare behinds.

0:25:540:25:58

-It was a most unusual shape.

-I know!

0:25:580:26:02

It looks just like...

0:26:020:26:03

BOTH: ..the chair from Mastermind!

0:26:030:26:05

It's true. I saw it on his bum.

0:26:050:26:07

It makes me think of Magnus Magnusson!

0:26:070:26:09

Give me but one moment, I implore.

0:26:090:26:11

I won't need that bath plug any more.

0:26:120:26:14

I always felt that I was but a half.

0:26:210:26:23

Lacking not just a father and a mother.

0:26:240:26:27

Meeting your other half makes you a whole.

0:26:270:26:30

-Does that sound wrong?

-It's nice to meet you...

0:26:300:26:33

..brother.

0:26:350:26:37

Oh! Lovely!

0:26:370:26:38

So, all is resolved. Just like a theatre play.

0:26:400:26:43

And I can get my happy end away.

0:26:430:26:45

Not so fast!

0:26:450:26:47

Everybody stay exactly where they are.

0:26:490:26:52

I'm sorry to break up this pretty scene

0:26:520:26:54

but I have unfinished business with Prince Rico.

0:26:540:26:58

I pray you, sirs, which one of you is he?

0:26:580:27:01

-'Tis I.

-'Tis I.

-'Tis I.

-Mother, calm down!

0:27:020:27:06

You have set this up to try to muddle me.

0:27:060:27:08

Step forward, Prince, or Daddy gets the knife.

0:27:080:27:11

That's what you call dramatic irony!

0:27:110:27:14

Oh, I know him. He saw my show tonight.

0:27:140:27:16

Please, spare his life and take me in his place.

0:27:160:27:20

I've had enough. The old man has to die. I'll spill his guts.

0:27:200:27:24

Spaghetti bolognese!

0:27:240:27:28

Urgh!

0:27:280:27:29

# Ooooooh! The hokey cokey!

0:27:290:27:31

# Oooooh, the hokey cokey... #

0:27:310:27:34

-Vince, you've saved the day.

-Thank you, child.

0:27:340:27:38

I'm glad that everyone is reconciled.

0:27:380:27:40

-I thought I was goner.

-No way, Pops.

0:27:400:27:42

Let's lock him in his room and call the cops.

0:27:420:27:44

# Left leg out!

0:27:440:27:46

# In, out, in, out! Shake it all about! #

0:27:460:27:49

Can someone tell me what's gone on today?

0:27:490:27:52

It's more than a rhyming couplet can relay.

0:27:530:27:55

I wish you had your diamond ring.

0:27:570:27:59

But, hush!

0:27:590:28:01

I think that I did hear a toilet flush.

0:28:010:28:03

Oh!

0:28:070:28:09

You found it.

0:28:090:28:10

Aw!

0:28:160:28:17

SMATTERING OF APPLAUSE

0:28:190:28:21

I hope you've enjoyed your stay at Zanzibar.

0:28:270:28:29

We're all little older, if not wiser.

0:28:290:28:31

If you've enjoyed your stay, please, tell your friends.

0:28:310:28:34

And write a nice review on TripAdvisor!

0:28:340:28:36

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