US Presidential Inauguration 2017 Jack Dee's HelpDesk

This programme contains some strong language

Hello and welcome to

Jack Dee's US Presidential Inauguration Helpdesk.

My helpers and I are here to field questions

from our studio audience about a Donald Trump presidency

because many people see him taking office

as the beginning of something fearful.

Personally, though,

seeing a man with potentially terrifying and troubling views

take a position of power that he's wholly unqualified for

just reminds me of the happy day I got this job.

So let's meet tonight's helpers.

He was recently named the hardest working comedian of 2016,

and richly deserved because I spent a lot of time with him and I

can vouch for the fact that he is hard work.

It's Romesh Ranganathan.

And my next guest is a TV presenter who hosted two series of

Splash! on ITV, not to be confused with Donald Trump, who hosted

one night of splash in a Moscow hotel suite.

It's Gabby Logan.

And a comedian who, according to Wikipedia,

was once heckled by a man dressed as a bottle of ketchup.

Sadly, no mention of whether it was Heinz ketchup,

so it may well have come from an unreliable source.

It is...

It is...

It is the marvellous Sara Pascoe.

Thank you.

My dad is going to love that joke.

And a comedian who won Comedy Central's

funniest student award in 2011,

a competition I previously hadn't done so well in personally.

I thought running around drunk with a traffic cone on my head

was a stroke of genius, but apparently not.

Please welcome Phil Wang.

So, what to expect?

The day of the inauguration traditionally starts with a prayer.

Bloody right it will!

This last week saw Trump's otherwise spotless reputation brought

into question by a leaked document.

It was claimed he paid prostitutes to urinate in a hotel room.

Trump pointed out he'd never behave like that because there are

hidden cameras wherever he goes.

So surely his security team would always sweep a room before

he enters and indeed mop it up after he leaves.

So...

So, let's move on to our very first question

and I'm going to look for Alan White.

Hello, Alan, welcome. How are you?

-Hi, I'm very well, thanks.

-Good, good.

What would you like to know about?

I have two gay friends who married recently and moved to

California this month.

Is there a chance that Mr Trump may force them to get a divorce?

What have you heard? Are they genuinely worried?

No, but wasn't Trump against or going to repeal...?

I think what's really worrying is this is kind of

a really serious question.

-It is.

-And this is a silly, silly thing.

You should, like, google it.

Yeah, I mean, I don't think your friends are that bothered

if they've sent you along here to find out.

"Fingers crossed he gets the answer we're after!"

-They only flew out yesterday.

-Mm-hm.

-OK, so good timing.

-I think...

I'm not generalising, but if we're going to go on things we know,

facts, which I'm talking about his Twitter feed, Donald Trump's

-Twitter feed, which is all fact, isn't it?

-Yeah(!)

He has had a meeting with Anna Wintour, OK,

who is the editor of Vogue in America and,

by all accounts, to Donald Trump,

possibly the most important woman in America, I think he thinks she is.

Now, she works in the fashion industry,

which is obviously a very gay industry,

and I think he will have her on side,

and she'll have his ear and she'll say, "Don't repeal it."

So, I think they're fine.

Well, he said, "It is what it is,"

and it's happened, the legislation has been passed,

and I think he won't do anything about that.

I think personally, deep down, he doesn't feel it's the right

thing to be allowed to happen, but I don't think he's going to change it.

That's the serious answer, from what I've heard.

The problem is, even if he does believe that,

he's so nuts that it's possible that he might just take

a personal dislike to your friends in particular...

And that's it.

..and decide just to force them, as the only gay couple,

to get a divorce. You... What's your connection to the...?

Are you equal friends with both? Are they genuine...?

-I mean, how worried are they? Are they...?

-Well, they...

Are you asking in the hope that they split up,

one of them comes back and you can marry them?

We won't go into that.

Holy shit. So you're like... You're a big Trump fan, then, aren't you?

Are they English, your friends?

One's English, one's French.

Oh, would they not like to come and live here?

No, they're leaving because of Brexit.

Oh, God. Their life's really in turmoil, isn't it?

They really dodged the bullet there, didn't they?

Absolutely nailed that, haven't they?

That's lovely timing, isn't it? I like the fact that they did that.

Well, you know, good luck to them, Alan. I hope it all works out.

I'm going to move on... Thank you for your question.

..and try and find Ansell Syrah.

We'll just get a microphone to you.

Did I pronounce your name correctly?

-Yeah, close enough.

-Close enough. I'm sorry.

I like the fact you're not that fussy, Ansell.

So, what would you like to ask?

So, I put money on Donald Trump winning the election.

How much did you win?

-£50.

-So you're happy, presumably.

-Well... It's... It's bittersweet.

Now I don't know what to spend the money on to make things better.

Well, I think try and halt the apocalypse...

-..what I'd suggest.

-Why don't you invest that £50

into a hod-carrying or a brick-making company

that's based near the Mexican border?

You seem like a ruthless bastard

and you can make more money out of horrible policies.

Are you actually...? Are you actually a Trump fan?

No, no, not at all.

So what sort of made you decide to put the bet on?

Just, you know, something good had come of...

So this guy's friends have to get divorced,

but at least you've made 50 quid.

And, Ansell, thank you very much for asking that question.

I'm going to try and find Kristine van...

Isendoorn, is that right?

Let's get the microphone to you.

-Thank you very much.

-Thank YOU very much.

I wanted to ask you something about spray tan and hair dye

because I'm wondering whether that will be in bigger demand,

especially for men, now Mr T is going to be there.

-Mr T?

-Mr T.

Ironically, Mr T would have been a much better candidate.

"I pity the fool who bans Muslims!"

So, is body tan and hair spray going to become the next big thing

-as a...?

-Yes.

-I think his tan...

Up to this point, we've assumed that was a spray tan, but now...

Maybe it's just Russian urine.

Maybe that's all...

So, two things. Number one, I think sometimes we get too distracted

by what Trump looks like

because there's really, really serious things going on.

So I don't... I don't care about his hair at all, or his face,

but there is... In all seriousness,

the biggest growing market in cosmetics

is things that are marketed to men

because they basically got women to an insecurity level

where they can't spend any more on shit we don't need,

so they have now started making men feel terrible

about themselves, and it's horrible cos it's not like,

"Oh, they've done this to us. Oh, great, now men are getting it."

It's like, "Stop it, we're all fine!"

I had absolutely no idea that my wife worked for the cosmetics

industry, based on that, because she makes me feel like shit every day.

I'm not sure any cosmetics industry is going to be plugging that look.

You'd be surprised because, actually,

if you're a middle-aged man...

You're a mi...

No, no... No.

-No, but...

-IMITATES TRUMP: It's fake news, it's fake news.

It's ironic, isn't it,

for a man who seems to have a complete phobia of anybody

of any other ethnicity than his own,

that he would want to make himself darker and a different colour.

It's quite ironic, really.

I think he's just trying to show that he can be

a brown man better than a brown man can be.

"I can even do that better than you."

OK, well, I think we've helped you on that one, haven't we? So it's...

Katrina van Buren. Katrina?

Hiya. Just get the mic to you. So, Katrina.

Hi. My husband is a Muslim and we were thinking of going to America

-for a holiday...

-No! Don't!

Obviously, Trump is thinking about banning Muslims from

travelling to America, so my question is - should we

boycott America as a holiday destination or should I go anyway?

That's a delightful way that you've put that.

I mean, there is a genuine concern there, with the...

Is your husband here with you tonight? Hi, how are you?

-Fine, thanks.

-OK. Looking forward to the holiday?

It all depends if we can manage to go across, but looking at what Trump

is saying, it sounds as if I'll probably have to stay behind.

Well, you know, joking aside, it's funny that...

Well, it's not funny that we are sort of having to ask these

questions suddenly after what we thought was 30 years of progress.

-Yeah.

-And it is a bit worrying, that, isn't it?

That you suddenly think, "Well, maybe it wouldn't be safe to go there."

Phil, are you a big holiday man?

Do you suggest they go together or what?

Yeah, I think every holiday does better with a sense of jeopardy.

And if you're having to outrun the authorities at every step,

that's exciting.

Try and make it to... Try and touch Trump Tower and...

And leg it.

-ROMESH:

-Just try and have some fun.

Ansell'll put a bet on it, it will be amazing.

Have you thought of just going to Cuba?

Cos you could just check into Guantanamo and your wife

just enjoy the rest of the island.

-And there's loads of empty rooms.

-Yeah.

-Cos Obama has let many people out.

-Lots of vacancies.

Well, it's a very lazy plan of weeding out Muslim extremists

by just banning all Muslims

cos you're then missing out on a lot of great Muslims. You know,

like, I don't like Bounties, but I still buy the Celebrations.

Cos I...

I'm a hard-working guy.

-Have you been to America before as a couple?

-No.

Because...

I'm married to a white woman - not showing off - but...

I am married to a white woman and even sort of pre-Trump going into

America, it's quite fun to see the difference in how you get treated.

It's nice. It's just... It's a nice, fun observation.

-In a positive or negative way?

-Well, I just think it's funny.

My wife goes through, they ask her what she bought, I have a rectal exam.

Do you know what I mean? It's Just...

It's just fun to examine the differences,

do you know what I mean?

That's what the security guy said.

Well, that's what he said he was.

Hasn't he...? He's kind of retreated...

I know he's retreated on most things that he said in the run-up to the

election, but he's retreated a bit on this, hasn't he?

Because a lot of Americans pointed out a lot of famous,

great Americans who are Muslims

and he kind of went, "What, Mohamed Ali?!

"The name, it never gave it away, I don't know what I was thinking."

But so maybe...

Maybe he's now thinking,

rethinking his position on Muslims going on holiday.

That's our biggest hope, isn't it?

-That actually he didn't really mean what he said.

-On anything.

I mean, out of interest, is there anyone here who is kind of

pro-Trump and thinks that they...

there's something that could be said on his behalf

at this point of the...?

-LAUGHTER

-They're very quiet.

-Mm.

-This is a fun holiday you've got lined up.

-It is, yeah.

Thanks very much for asking, though, Katrina.

So, where is Naim from Cornwall?

Cos you've got a question that links onto that.

Where are you, Naim? Naim, how are you?

Slightly nervous, but I'm all right. How are you?

Please don't be nervous, not of this, anyway.

I mean, there's plenty for you to be nervous about at the moment.

What would you like to ask?

-As a Muslim...

-Mm-hm.

..I've been thinking about also travelling to the States

and I'm just wondering, really,

as someone who rocks the slippers and socks angle...

-Yeah.

-Is that a good idea if I want to get into Trumpland?

Is that a good idea that I should be looking to do that?

Are you wearing sandals and socks or slippers and socks?

I think you've got to be the only Muslim man whose biggest

concern about entering America is his slippers.

-I think the problem is that I like the look.

-Right.

I genuinely like the look. It's particularly comfortable.

I know what else is written on that question

and I think you've realised I've just avoided it.

Tell me, what does it say, Naim?

I was kind of hoping it was so silly I wasn't going to get asked it.

You brought it up!

I'm sorry, you were worried it's silly because the slipper thing was so hard-hitting?

Yeah, you wrote it down

and then, because I didn't mention it, you then said,

"Do I have to mention the other thing that's on the card?"

Go on, what is it?

I think you actually mentioned it yourself. It's, you know,

"How do I ensure I don't get a long and generous cavity search?"

Because that's something that, you know...

that's been happening every single time I go.

I think my advice to you would be don't try to avoid it, just lube up.

You've got absolutely no hope of avoiding it, mate,

just try and find some way of enjoying it if you can.

It might end up being the best part of your trip.

Romesh doesn't work in America, but he still goes seven times a month.

We don't say anything about it, just...he goes.

I wanted to ask Romesh what happens afterwards,

when you sort of lock eyes with him.

You know, afterwards, and you know that he's been...

rummaging around, and you think,

"Well, I know him better than I know some of my best friends, you know."

You've really lost your inhibition about this question, haven't you?

You don't seem so reluctant now.

You've built up some sort of fantasy about me getting my arse fondled

and you're there,

and you start hitting me across the arse with a slipper...

Finally, someone taking the real issues.

Why not put something up there as a little nice surprise?

Something... "Oh, a Kinder egg!" You know?

-Yeah.

-Like a slipper, like a Russian doll.

-SARA:

-Another pair of slippers for him!

A Russian doll is a good idea.

As a Muslim guy, you've got another Muslim guy inside you.

Security goes, "I was absolutely shitting myself,

"I didn't know how many of these fuckers are getting in here, man!"

-Thank you.

-You're welcome.

You're welcome. That's a good idea, I think.

Phil says, you know, put a little something up there for him to

find, and when he does, go, "Read the card, read the card!"

OK. Louisa Dales. Louisa.

Hiya, Louisa.

-Hello.

-Hiya.

So I stole a Trump campaign sign from someone's front yard

while I was in America this summer.

Is it OK to still have it on my bedroom wall or is it,

like, not funny or ironic any more?

Is everyone who's coming into your bedroom suddenly wanting to

vote for Trump?

No, the idea was that it was funny cos no-one would...

and then they did.

Right. Apparently...

I mean, I read that apparently the sympathy that poured out to

a family that had one of those signs stolen from their lawn is

cited as the tipping point which led to Trump's victory.

This state that I stole it from actually voted Democrat,

and it was a swing state, so I think I aided that by...

Don't console yourself with that, we know what happened.

-We know what happened.

-Were you drunk?

No. I'm only...

-Well, I was 20 at the time, so I can't drink in America.

-Oh, OK.

Why don't you put the sign in your front garden and then see if

you enjoy the funny, ironic smashed windows?

My parents are in the audience and I don't think they'd approve.

Do you bring partners back to your bedroom?

As I said, my parents are in the audience, so absolutely not.

I was worried that it could look like an instruction, that's all.

Oh!

A very big hint, yeah.

It's a tricky one, then. What do you think, Phil?

How did you get it back here? Is it a big sign? Like a lawn sign?

So, it was like a plastic sign with a metal frame,

so I took the frame out

-and then hid it in the bottom of my suitcase.

-She's not stupid.

Just a thief.

-Are you a student yourself?

-Yeah, yeah.

-Yeah, OK.

-So... And where are you a student?

-Cambridge.

-Cambridge. Right.

So, people be warned in Cambridge.

I'm going to try and find Natalia Marchesca.

-Hiya.

-Hi.

So my question is, in the post-truth society, how can I ensure

that people only tell me things I agree with and like?

You prefer not to hear things you don't agree with?

Well, politicians seem to be able to pick the truth and pick

facts as they prefer them, so why not everybody else?

I don't want to... I've already cleansed my Twitter feed

-and my Facebook friends and people I don't agree with.

-Right.

That's a start, but, you know, there are other ways, probably.

So, you're asking us how to cleanse the real world?

Cos this is a slippery slope!

But only something that applies my own views.

Wait, so you want to strengthen your bubble?

-Absolutely.

-OK.

-It's a scary world out there.

-Yeah.

-Right.

-ROMESH:

-I sort of think it's the opposite

of what you should be doing,

you know, like, because part of the problem is, I think,

you know, if you take something like Brexit, for example,

I think that people that...

You know, people that were against us leaving, you know,

they surrounded themselves on their social networks with

people that agreed with them, and they were under...

they were of the belief that it was a formality that we were

going to say in, and then they were suddenly surprised by the

fact there were people who thought differently to them.

I would sort of say that you actually...

You're better off cutting off people that agree with you,

actually, and sort of surrounding yourself,

surrounding your social network with people that completely disagree

with you, and then when you do leave the house, you think,

"Oh, everybody's not an arsehole," do you know what I mean?

It will be a pleasant surprise for you, actually.

-PHIL:

-I started going on EDL rallies.

I give them chow mein and, you know, try and win them back.

They eat it. They eat it. They are passionate, but they are hypocrites.

They lap it you. But, yeah, expand your bubble.

The other part of this is that

there's a trend now for students and so on

to want safe spaces and places where their views

are not going to be challenged, cos they find it offensive,

so they don't want to learn bits of history that they now

consider to be offensive.

And the dangerous part of that is we might end up never learning about

slavery because the facts are so offensive, is that not the case?

-Yeah, this is turning a bit more serious than I intended.

-Yeah.

-Yeah.

-Sorry.

-Yeah.

All right, OK.

Well, thank you very much for raising that

and getting us all depressed.

I'm going to try to find Angela McDougal now. Angela. Hello.

Just get a microphone to you. Angela, how are you?

I'm good, thanks, and you?

Very well, thank you. What was your question?

My question is how can we discourage Trump from giving the White House

a Trump Tower-style makeover?

OK, are you worried he's going to cover it in gold on the inside?

Yeah, it could be a problem for the economy there, you know,

he uses up all the reserves from Fort Knox, you know.

I think we should encourage him to do stuff like that

because the problem...

The thing that I'm most concerned about is

he's going to get normalised and then people will think it's OK.

I think we should be going, "Yeah, put some gold on it, mate.

"Put your face on the front of it."

Just really make him look bat shit crazy.

-PHIL:

-I don't think he's going to change it.

Most of his supporters are pretty keen on keeping things white,

so I think it's going to stay...

What...? Cos most presidents incoming,

they do make some change to the White House, unless they're

making a point of not for austerity reasons or so on.

Gabby, what would you like to do the White House if you were president?

I like the idea of lots of secret doors, anywhere, generally.

Have you got a grown-up answer?

"I'd make sure the Wi-Fi was all really good."

-I went 'round the White House when I was about 14, 15.

-Did you?

-Yeah.

Well, I wasn't with my school. I was...

I was in a tour, I was allowed to be there, I wasn't... You know.

-I didn't break in. But I did, yeah, yeah.

-Did you meet Woodrow Wilson?

No, he was out.

It was all right. You know, it was very nice.

Then, you know, I was only a kid, wasn't I?

A lot of secret doors, they were cool.

OK, thank you, though. A good question, a good area to look into.

I'm going to try and find Trudi Keeler-Stone. Trudi.

-At the back there. Thank you.

-Hi.

I just wanted to ask, if you were asked to sing at the inauguration,

what would you actually sing?

First of all, obviously, I turned it down, so,...

What would we sing at the inauguration?

I don't know, you'd think, like, maybe just do the Birdie Song or

something, just make, you know...

Obviously, politically, I disagree with him,

but I would love to sing in front of everyone.

I would say yes to the concert.

I would sing Whitney.

I would sing I Will Always Love You

and then probably an upbeat number.

-Gabby, what do you think?

-I can't get past Bucks Fizz, so I can't...

-OK, is that your thing?

-No, I just...

That's all that keeps coming in my head.

I just feel like I'd have to do...

You know the bit where they rip their skirts off

-in the Eurovision Song Contest?

-Yeah.

-That.

-Cos I think he'd like that. I think he'd like that.

-Yeah.

-Yeah.

But then reveal that the person underneath was actually

a lady boy or something like that.

That would be good, yeah.

And then they would just start pissing.

-Rebecca Ferguson was asked to do it, wasn't she?

-Yeah.

-She said she would if she could sing Strange Fruit.

-Yeah.

I thought that was amazing.

She knows how to get a party started, doesn't she?

-Phil, I imagine... You've got music coming out of you.

-Oh, yeah.

-You're one of those guys, I can see it.

-Mm, mm.

-Mm, mm.

-Um...

Mm, mm, mm!

I'd probably sing the Mexican national anthem

-and just see what happened.

-Yeah.

Thank you. Good, interesting question.

OK, I think we've got time for a final question.

I'll try and find Kathy Gervin. Kathy?

-Hello.

-Hi, how are you?

-I'm fine, thank you.

I'm not a supporter of Donald Trump,

but I did put a bet on him and I won £90.

You won £90!

Yeah.

And you...

You don't sound as worried as Ansell about spending that money.

What are you spending your money on?

-I'm having dancing lessons.

-Dancing lessons!

-Wow.

-Dancing on the grave of the United States.

Kathy, what would you like to ask?

Given the fact that every time Donald opens his mouth,

he sticks his...

he sticks his foot in it, I'd like to know,

do you think he'll survive his first year as president?

Well, it's interesting. What are your thoughts, Kathy?

Do you think his...? What do you think the chances of that are?

You seem to be a betting lady, so are you...?

Have you been up to Paddy Power and put money on this yet?

I'm not so sure. I mean, I'm not quite sure if he has a plan.

-I'm not quite sure if he understands what the job entails.

-No.

Every time he opens his mouth,

-he just talks from the head rather than the heart.

-Yeah.

He doesn't think about what he's saying.

I don't think it's even the head, is it, he's talking from?

-That would be a start, wouldn't it?

-Yeah, it's... It's not his mouth.

It's not his mouth.

Is he going to survive his first year?

Phil, do you think, is that a likelihood? Is that...?

Um... He'll probably survive a year, at least.

He's very talented at saying nothing at length, you know?

So he's very good at vamping

and spinning plates, and he just keeps...

Well, sorry, that's another thing he does.

He kind of puts everyone under this sort of miasma, the spell, and then,

before you know it, he's offstage and you realise you've been duped.

So I think he could keep it going for another year

before everyone cottons on.

Yeah, I would say people who didn't think was going to

become leader of the Republican Party and then be elected

president, we are the same people to go, like, "He won't last a year!"

Like, we're wrong.

We don't understand.

What if he gets a second term? Are we allowed to think...

think that far ahead?

In eight years' time, we could be here and, you know,

nothing will matter any more cos it won't be there.

I mean, Syria, Russia, it's all gone. It's all gone.

We'll be in a bunker. It's a scary thought, isn't it, Kathy?

Well, can I say one thing positive about him?

-No.

-He's been a very successful businessman.

-Has he?

-Well, yeah, he's made millions.

-Are you being serious?

-Hasn't he?

Cos he actually would have made more money if

he'd have just left his inheritance in a high-interest account.

He's actually made less money as a result of his activities,

so... He'd have been better off if he'd gambled like yourself.

I think the positive is your dance of lessons.

What kind of dance are you learning?

Oh, Latin and...

You can't do that in America any more.

Jiving, cha-cha-cha.

You're getting a lot for 90 quid.

-That's a lot of dance lessons, excellent.

-Good.

Well, good luck with that, Kathy. I hope that works out for you.

And, you know, you enjoy your dance lessons off the back of

Donald Trump becoming president.

Don't feel too guilty as you're swirling around the ballroom.

We've kind of run out of time, but we've got so many more.

Let's see if we can just chuck a few more out.

I won't go into the audience,

just see if we can do a few more before we round things up.

Gavin Clark is here, he says,

"Surely the US being friends with Russia is a good thing."

Oh, yeah, that's like saying,

"It was so romantic when Fred West met Rose."

-Yeah, it was a good thing.

-Yeah.

Lucy, Lucy Garcia, from London, "Do you agree that all world leaders

"should still have 2am Twitter meltdowns?"

The thing is, they are not all as interesting as him on Twitter.

They tweet, like, official stuff. If it was like...

If they actually were as honest

or sort of like as mad as him, it would be funny.

You know, if Merkel has, like, come out of a Wetherspoons,

going, "I tell you what...

"On reflection, there probably are too many bloody immigrants anyway!"

That would be fun.

There is India Harley from London.

"What are you most looking forward to from the inauguration?"

Trump's hand burning when he swears on the Bible.

SHE GASPS

That's all we've got time for this week.

I'd like to thank my helpers - Romesh, Gabby, Sara and Phil.

Thank you for taking part.

That's it for my Donald Trump inauguration special.

Hopefully, we'll see you in approximately three months' time

for the Impeachment Helpdesk. Good night.