Episode 6 John Bishop's Britain

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Thank you.

Thank you. Good evening and welcome to John Bishop's Britain.

CHEERING

Each week, I'll be looking at a different subject that affects everybody in Britain.

Tonight, it's holidays. Brits abroad is not a new phenomena.

Let's be honest, we've been doing it for hundreds of years.

We just used to call it having an empire.

Instead of coming home after two weeks, we'd invade

and stay for 200 years just to annoy them properly.

To find out how us Brits really feel about holidays, I've spoken to hundreds of people about it -

some you'll know, some you won't recognise. Here they are.

They've all given us their thoughts and this is what we've got to look forward to tonight.

-I wanted everything.

-All shapes and sizes.

-Eng-er-lund!

-Wahay!

-I'm all right, are you all right?

-Oh, so am I.

I sex your body now.

-Whee!

-Nice!

LAUGHTER

We'll hear what they think throughout the show.

Plus, there will be a few sketches to show you what's actually going on in my head.

So, holidays!

Because of the nature of this show,

because we're doing it at the time we do it, I had to cancel my holiday to do it.

AUDIENCE: Aw!

What happened is, we booked a two-week holiday

and I had to cancel the holiday - for me.

The kids went, me missus went. She went with the kids and I had to do that thing

that every man does when your wife's going off

with the kids and leaving you in the house on your own for two weeks.

I had to make that sad face.

Inside you're really happy but I'm going,

"I'm going to miss you.

"I really, really want to go. I'd rather be with you at the airport, fighting with the kids.

"I'm here on my own, having the controls of the telly in my hand."

Obviously I got up at five o'clock in the morning

for the family tradition of having a row before departure.

Getting there has got to be the hardest thing.

'I quite like flying.'

I quite like going on trains. I hate airports.

I quite like an airport. I mean...

I prefer a private airfield!

I love the airport. I love it.

The thought of spending three hours at an airport -

being served coffee by some servile youth...

Is always a nightmare.

There'll be a queue for not only the check-in but sort of the boarding,

and mum will see the queue and go to the front.

Excuse me, excuse me! And they'll be like, "F..., what for?"

And she'll be like, "Hmm?"

Going through security answering stupid questions...

And they literally make you do a striptease.

I refuse to go through one of those X-ray machines

and have one of those people look at my genitals on the X-ray.

Belt, shoes, socks, your trousers start falling down.

I think it's an invasion.

I get into a proper airport rage.

I don't mind people looking at my genitals but people that I know.

Once you get on, it's horrific.

And you're sat next to someone really smelly.

The air stewardesses have so much make-up on, they're in a constant state of surprise.

Why are you always sat next to someone smelly?

"You all right?" "I'm all right." I'm freaking out.

I just look forward to it being over - simple as that.

You don't get to see the pilot any more. It's horrible!

APPLAUSE

Who has ever seen a pilot on a plane?

I don't know what he's used to travelling on, whether it's a Spitfire...

You don't want to see the pilot. I don't want to see the pilot.

What you want is you want to hear his voice. That pilot's voice.

You want to hear a posh voice.

That gives you an assurance that he's qualified and he knows what he's doing.

You want to hear him come on and say...

-IN POSH VOICE:

-"Hello, this is Captain Nigel Barker. I'm your pilot.

"I just want to thank you today for joining us on this flight to Palma.

"Our flight time will be approximately 2 hours 45 minutes

"And my First Officer, James, will be in charge of the controls today."

You know the reason he's speaking is because James sounds exactly like me.

And he will come on and go, "All right, it's Jimmy here. We're going to give it a go.

"I'll just get my TomTom on so I know where I'm off to."

There's always that bit as well when he does that announcement.

He says, "Your cabin crew is ably led by Sandra.

"And they are here primarily for your safety."

And you're thinking, "No, they're not!

"They're not here for my safety.

"I'm not putting my life in the hands of someone who looks like a Wotsit."

And you're being asked to them your full attention.

during that safety briefing and they always tell you to have a look at the card.

Have you seen the card?

There's a picture of an aeroplane on water.

And nobody's panicking.

They just seem to be, "Oh, we're on water".

And you know that's never going to happen.

When that airline pilot landed that plane

on water in New York,

and everyone went, "That's brilliant, he's landed a plane on water,"

There was talk about making a film about it,

having Brad Pitt playing the pilot,

who landed on water in New York.

You knew when that was on the television in the news bulletins all around the world,

thousands of pilots were sat at home thinking, "I can do that."

That's the worse sign you want to get on a plane when a pilot thinks,

"Look, I'm going to have a go."

And as far as the life jackets go, now with the budget airlines,

I'm scared to fly with Ryanair.

I'm sure you probably need £1 to get your life jacket out.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

And last year, last year, we actually went on our first package holiday as a family.

Just give me a cheer if you've been on a package holiday.

You know what it's like then. I didn't know what it was like.

I turned up at the airport.

It's a shock to the system. You turn up and look and there's whole families in tracksuits.

Whole families in track... And you know none of them are really that athletic.

You see the fat families in tracksuits and you know what I mean!

The kind of people who turn up in football shirts to go on holiday.

You know what I'm on about!

The kind of people who think that getting changed for dinner

is putting on the away strip.

And the people wearing replica football kits are always massive.

There must be a factory in China making XXXL Man United kits

with Rooney on the back, thinking, "That Wayne Rooney must be a fat git!"

We got on this plane and it was full of people in trainers

and proper trainers, brand-new white trainers.

Proper white sparkling trainers.

It's as if when they check-in people are going to go, "Is that your passport?

"Have you packed your bags yourself? Are those trainers box-fresh?"

They were proper brand-new, proper trainers and tracksuits,

and I thought if this plane crashes in the mountains,

and some archaeologist finds it in 200 years' time,

they're going to look at the size of the tracksuits and go,

"Well, no wonder the British team were crap at the Olympics."

Budget airline travel is amazing!

-JOHN'S VOICE:

-I flew from Liverpool to Dublin three weeks ago for £1.

£1! I flew for £1.

From Liverpool to Dublin on a plane for £1.

I didn't even want to go.

I was on my way to Blockbusters to get a DVD.

I thought, "Sod it, I'll save a few quid."

I got on the plane for £1.

-ALL:

-£1!

You wouldn't... You know what, as a bargain, you wouldn't have that in any other form of your life.

If someone knocked at your door and said, "Look, I'm selling buckets of shampoo for £1," you'd go,

"No, I'm not going to take the risk, my hair will fall out."

If someone in a pub says, "I've got bottles of aftershave for £1,"

you go, "No chance, that'll probably burn my face."

If someone comes up to you and says, "Do you fancy having a go

"with defying gravity at 30,000 ft for £1," you think, "Yeah, I'll give it a go!"

I got on a plane,

paid £1 for a seat, asked for a cup of tea, £2.50!

Then what happened, this had never happened to me before,

as we were flying, the plane hit an air pocket.

And as it hit an air pocket it fell.

SCREAMING

If anyone's had that frightening experience, we fell about 100, 200 ft.

As we were falling I thought, "Yeah, it was only a quid."

Then what happened, as it fell, it then levelled out like that.

As it levelled out, I spilled my tea. I said, "Dickhead! £2.50 that cost."

But I enjoy travelling on budget airlines.

I've been married 17 years. To be honest, travelling on a budget airline

is the only time I get to seem my wife with her ankles behind her head.

I love that joke because if that stays there, I'm going to get battered.

And also, that thing in check-in.

All of the questions we get at check-in.

It would be wonderful at check-in when you're giving in your baggage,

if you could do the baggage you want to give in,

if you could check-in emotional baggage.

That would be wonderful.

To arrive at the airport depressed and when they go,

"Have you got anything to declare, you go, "Yeah, I just don't think she's coming home."

After the misery of the flight, we all look forward to what we think is going to be our dream holiday.

The best holiday that I've been on was Disneyland.

The first hour I spent 7,000 in the Star Wars shop.

I like getting on the golden sands of the beaches.

I wanted everything there, it was amazing!

There they were all topless, I tell you, all shapes and sizes!

-It blew me away.

-It makes your holiday.

My dream holiday would be to go to Disneyland with Dawn French.

Touring around Europe with Picasso.

It would have to be Gandhi.

Nice.

We'd probably get about on a donkey.

David Ginola, so I could play with his hair on the plane, etc.

Yeah, Picasso and I donkeying around.

I think me, David, and Gandhi would have a blast.

Ten days in the hotel in Barbados

Sandra Bullock, definitely. Feeding me stuff.

Anywhere with Billy Connelly, really.

A couple of months with Roman Abramovich.

You could sit in a box with Billy Connelly and have a great time.

I think I'd maybe have to tie him up and throw him in the basement,

because don't want to talk to him - I just want to go on his boat.

So that's our dream holidays.

We all know that that's not what really happens.

What really happens is what happened to us.

We arrived at this place,

you turn up and there's that scramble for your luggage.

That's horrible because you know what your bag looks like

until it's on a conveyor belt when everyone else had bought the same bag.

We're stood there on this package holiday waiting for the bags

and there was someone with a similar bag and I didn't want to pick up their bag in case it had a bomb in it

And Melanie, my wife, said what you need to do, identify your luggage by tying a big pink ribbon on it.

I said I'd rather lose the bag.

But what happened, we arrived at this place.

We went to Portugal.

We flew into Faro in Portugal and we come out.

I'm not used to what happened.

We had the scramble for bags, we come out,

as we come out, there's the holiday rep there.

She's stood there with an NVQ in clipboard management.

She's saying, "What flight are you off?"

"Manchester". "All right, what's yer name?"

"You're on bus 15".

We're walking over to the bus

and you're looking at everyone else on your flight thinking,

"I hope they're not in our hotel!"

I've no idea why, I just don't like them.

We got on the bus...

We arrive, get on the bus and are putting our bags on the bus.

And we're sat on the bus and this is so typically British.

75 people filter onto the bus

cos obviously what's meant to happen is it's meant to be an airport transfer.

That's not what happens. It's an airport tour around every hotel in the resort.

I was sat on the bus and she comes on the bus - the rep.

We're sat there. English people who haven't said a word to each other on the flight.

British people won't speak to each other on the flight.

She goes, "Hello, everybody. My name's Debbie. I'm your holiday rep.

"This is Pedro, your driver.

"Everyone say, "Hola, Pedro!"" 75 British people went, "Hola, Pedro!"

Cos our holiday's begun.

He's not even from Portugal.

He's some lad from Wigan who went over there to be a DJ in the '90s.

He just happened to have a black moustache.

Then he starts all that stuff you get when you're abroad.

He puts the radio on and you hear all the...

MIMICS FOREIGN RADIO

"..Robbie Williams, Angels." Oh, yay. We're on holiday now!

And it is... That transfer is not a transfer.

You think, "I'll get picked up and taken to my hotel."

They don't - they take you round everyone else' hotel,

which is always better than YOUR hotel.

We're sat on this bus and we turned into one hotel,

it had water slides, it had pools, it had mini golf, it had nightclubs,

it had the patio terrace overlooking the sea.

And Debbie gets up and goes, "Hello, we're at the Hotel Los Alamos.

"Is the Patel family here?"

I looked at this Indian family sleeping on the back and said,

"Come on, kids, we're off.

"Come on.

"This is where we're staying."

But once you get there, you can't help it.

No matter who you are and no matter how cool you think you are,

you turn into a Brit abroad.

I have been...

embarrassed and ashamed to be British.

Male Brits abroad are an absolute nightmare, bless them!

We are loud lager louts!

We're dreadful - I'm not but they are. Somebody is.

I quite like Brits abroad. A lot people have a problem with it.

I think I'm a total Brit abroad when I go away.

I am that typical Brit abroad - that terrible cliche

that we all laugh about.

The type that has the Union Jack shorts.

"Eng-er-lund!"

Bulldog tattoo!

"Shall we get tattoos? Let's do it."

"All right, darling. Wahey!"

There's always that thing

where you'll be on the beach or in a restaurant

and you'll hear someone speaking English.

"Oh, you English?

"Oh, so am I! Where are you from?"

As long as I get my fry-up in the morning...

-Take your brioche, stick it up it!

-..I'm happy.

I'm having a full English fry-up.

What do you mean no sausages? Get them in.

One night, we either had the choice of crocodile, zebra or giraffe.

Who wants to eat that muck?

When we arrive on holiday, one thing that's a new phenomenon

that never used to exist, was the all-inclusive holiday.

The all-inclusive wristband. We arrived at this hotel.

We were given our all-inclusive wristband.

Who's ever been on one of those holidays?

-AUDIENCE:

-Yes!

They're popular now.

And, for some of us, that wristband represents convenience.

It's something that means the kids aren't going to hassle you

for glasses of Coke or ice creams. It makes life easy.

For SOME of us! For some people, it's a challenge.

You see them turn up with two sets of luggage -

the one that fits them now and the one that will fit them in two weeks.

You do, you see them every day, looking to see if their body's grown over the wristband.

Getting the kids and stuffing it in at 10 o'clock in the morning.

"Get the chips! Get 'em in! They're free, get 'em in!

"Get 'em in, get 'em in! Come on! Now go for a swim."

All-inclusive is a great idea, but instead of having,

you know, having a height bar that they have at Disneyland?

Do you know what, they should have a width bar.

"Look, look, sorry, we can't afford you two coming in.

"There's not going to be anything left for anything else."

But what happens is you get into it, and as I say it's this "Brit Abroad" mentality.

You don't think it'll happen to you.

Because I'd never had experience of a package holiday before,

I'd never been through it. The first morning, we woke up,

I turn up to look for a sun lounger. You know, the thing to lie on.

At half nine in the morning.

Oh, what a fool am I.

You could see people looking at you going, "Half nine in the morning? Not a chance, dickhead!"

You've got no chance! All of a sudden, as a man,

that becomes your role.

That's what you have to do.

It's like the modern equivalent of hunting for food.

You get up in the morning to say, "I am going to hunt the sun loungers.

"I am going to provide sun loungers for my family."

We used to lie there, and we could see people coming,

making the same mistake that I made, coming in late and not having anything.

Whole families walking like wounded wildebeest...

And everyone's going, "Ah, no chance, knobhead! Go on!

"I'm here by the water.

"Go on, get in the car park, you've got no chance."

You even come up to that pathetic bit,

you know when they're looking for a spare. They're going "Is anyone using them?" "No, go away."

No-one's sat on it all day but my towel's on it.

Because that's what happens! That's how you claim it!

And that's acceptable, I think.

We've all learned that there's a way of dealing with things.

And that's how you claim it.

You put your towel on, that makes it yours.

It's the human equivalent of pissing on your patch.

If you're a man in the morning,

you put your towel on, that's how you claim it.

We were on holiday at this place for two weeks.

We'd got into a routine, in the first week.

On the eighth day,

there was obviously a new batch of people who come in.

People who didn't know that that was our corner.

Who didn't recognise that those sun loungers were the Bishop family sun loungers.

I came down on the eighth day, and I wasn't late!

It was at 7.15.

That's not late, in sun lounger land.

And by which point, I'd been there for a week,

so I felt like I owned the place.

I come down to the sun loungers, we used to have this row of five,

and the sun lounger in the middle,

IN THE MIDDLE, was claimed.

THAT annoyed me,

that it disrupted my row of five.

But do you know what it was claimed with?

A flip-flop!

-A

-FLIP-FLOP!

Not two flip-flops! I went down, I thought,

"You better have one leg, you bastard!"

But it's not just me who has problems with sun loungers.

We were on holiday when I was younger, I think we went to Spain.

And you know what it's like, the sort of,

fight for sun loungers and stuff.

Anyway, my mum had got up really early especially to go and get, like, this sun lounger.

Put her towel on it, went and did a little couple of bits and come back.

When she come back, there was this woman laying on her sun lounger,

with my mum's towel just thrown on the floor.

"Well, what's goin' on here?"

So the woman gets up, so my mum just pushes her straight in the pool.

Which I think is fair enough.

It turns out she can't swim,

so then, this woman's flapping about,

lifeguards, people jumping in, husbands, children,

all trying to save this woman.

My mum's like, "Leave her, leave her!"

She got her sun lounger, so she don't care.

My mum gets charged like, 50 Euros for breach of the peace,

because she pushed this bird in. It's her own fault, I would have let her drown.

I'm probably like a lot of people here, I didn't have that type of holiday.

I didn't have that problem with my Mum,

cos we never went abroad.

We didn't have that type of life. There was nothing more exciting

when I was a kid than escaping to a whole new world

by getting in a car and driving for an hour to get on holiday.

That's what we did. We had holidays in a car.

We went to places like Wales.

We had car trips, and they were proper car trips, I mean, my dad, my dad invented the people carrier!

No-one believes this, but he did.

When we were kids, my Dad invented the people carrier.

We had a Ford Escort van and you know the panels on the van?

He cut the panels out the side of the van and put glass in

and put a bench in the back, and said, "There you go!"

No DVD player, that was it! No seatbelts! We lived in a different world, then.

If you fell out the car it was your own friggin' fault.

And we also... We also had a Hillman Imp. This is true, this.

I remember us going on a camper holiday when we were kids.

And we went to Bala, you know, in North Wales.

And my dad had this silver Imp,

so there was me, my mum and dad, my two sisters, my brother and our dog.

And the tent.

The tent wasn't a person, it was just a tent.

But it meant something else to go in the car.

We all had to get in the car, put the tent on the roof.

And the Hillman Imp couldn't get up the hills.

They were crap cars, weren't they?

So what we had to do, on the holiday,

we had to get out at the bottom of the hill, walk up the hill...

..and meet my dad at the top.

There were some hills, we overtook him on the way up!

And at the top of the hill,

we'd get back in the car like it was a toboggan and go flying down it.

And cars were different, as well.

They were made to be stuffy.

Nobody enjoyed a car trip then - they were made to be stuffy.

It's like they pumped all that stuffiness in

so that you could be carsick while your mum and dad smoked in the front.

And the whole thing about that -

both them smoking and the stuffiness -

meant there was always a bit where,

after about three quarters of an hour, you'd have to stop at a lay-by.

And that's where trips are different now. Because my mum used to say,

"We're going to go on a trip. We're going to go MILES away, we're going to Rhyl.

"So what I'm going to do is, I'm going to pack a picnic."

So she'd pack a picnic.

So we'd drive and then we'd stop at a lay-by.

It was always around Chester cos that was ages for us to get to Chester.

We used to stop and have a picnic in a lay-by.

I was speaking to me missus recently and I said, "Look,"

we were taking the kids down to North Wales,

and I said, "Why don't we do what I used to do when I was a kid?

"Instead of stopping at a service station and stuff, we'll pack a picnic.

"We'll get in the car, and we'll pull over, and we'll have a picnic in a lay-by."

And my youngest lad said, "What about all the people dogging?"

I thought, "How does he know about dogging?! He's only got a bike!

"Surely, at least you need a windscreen?"

But the most exciting thing that happened to me

when I was a kid was Blackpool Illuminations.

Now, just give me a cheer

if you went to Blackpool Illuminations as a kid.

AUDIENCE: Yes!

You did! You did, cos you're from the North.

And Northern people went to the Blackpool Illuminations

because it was like a rite of passage.

For Northerners, it's like our Mecca.

Yeah, you have to go there and pay homage -

to tack - at least once a year.

And I went... I mean, I couldn't do it now.

You couldn't say to your kids, "Come on, let's go to the Blackpool Illuminations."

That's basically saying,

"Do you want to come and sit in a very colourful traffic jam?"

But I went to the Blackpool Illuminations when I was 11, right?

I was 11 years of age.

It was 1977 and anyone who went to the Blackpool Illuminations

will tell you the most exciting thing

was who was going to turn on the Blackpool Illuminations.

There was a massive buzz about who might turn on the Blackpool Illuminations.

We were waiting to see what big celebrity was going to do...

There was a rumour along the promenade

it was going to be Little and Large. I couldn't believe my luck!

Do you know who turned on the Blackpool Illuminations in 1977?

Red Rum!

A friggin' horse!

They couldn't even get people to do it!

When he walked on to the podium,

all the donkeys on the beach were going, "You big-headed bastard!"

But I have to be honest...

My kids, they're teenage lads and they're getting to that point

where they want to stop going on holiday with us.

But I went on holiday with my parents all the way until I was 17.

And the last holiday I went on with my parents, I went CAMPING

with my parents. I was a 17-year-old boy.

Can you imagine how awkward that was? I was 17!

I did what every 17-year-old boy does, I hung around the arcade.

I was trying to be cool - trying to pull some birds.

Not easy when you're camping because at some point they're going

to see you walking to the toilet block with bog roll in your hand.

LAUGHTER

It's not easy to be cool, looking at them go, "I'll get rid of this and then I'll see you later."

LAUGHTER

But it seems everyone, at one point, has had a nightmare family holiday.

Family holidays. They all just all end in tears.

I live with my family, work with my family,

and we all go on holiday together.

Some people think that's very odd.

My folks had a caravan in Little Hampton, classy(!)

We used to go down there a lot and go to the local swimming baths.

We go on holiday to Blackpool for a weekend once a year.

I'd barely put on my Speedos,

and my mum had jumped into the swimming pool...

My mum likes to come on the rides, because she wants to think she's still young.

..swam all the way to the giant inflatable,

kicked off any kid that was in her path,

climbed on top of the spider,

"Yes, I've done it!"

But my mum is very much like a puppy.

Gets very excited and wets herself.

I remember literally dying of embarrassment.

When you're going down, she goes "Wheeee!"

but she don't just go "Wheee!" she actually does wee!

What mothers behave like that?

One of the benefits of my parents divorcing was that my dad

went to work as a rep in Spain and France.

So come the summer holidays, I would just go away for six weeks.

Family holidays were really fun, they were like,

really naughty and badly-behaved.

Really naughty!

But I'm from a broken home, so there are some negatives.

Me and my sister went with my Dad to Wales, it was crap.

I can remember taking the children to these great ancestral homes,

Areas of Outstanding Natural Beauty...

It was raining, my dad wanted to go fishing, climbing up dirty mountains,

we were having none of it.

..and all they did was sit in the back of the car, with headphones on,

going chig-a chig-a chig-a, "When is the McDonald's coming?"

Great(!)

There was a point in that clip then, where Speedos were mentioned.

And there was a massive "urgh" around the room.

And that, to be fair, is acceptable.

Because we all know Speedos don't work on anyone.

You don't look cool when you look like you're walking round

with a bag of hammers in front of you.

But that's what happens when you're on holiday, you dress in a way you would never normally dress.

There's people here who've done it. There's people who've thought,

"Well, this sarong looks fantastic. I'll wear it when I go down the pub."

It's not easy when you turn up and your mates go, "Dave, why are you wearing a sarong?"

See, it's great. It's like this suit, to be honest with you.

I know, I know! Somebody said, "Look, you're going to do a show,

"Saturday night telly, get a suit, get a suit!

"Get a sharp suit!" Obviously, what they've thought is, "He's a Scouser,

"let's try and get him a suit that's as close to a shellsuit as possible."

But that thing that was said at the end, about going on holiday with your kids,

and how they've changed. What I tried to do for New Year this year, I had a massive year.

This year I had a huge tour that took a lot of time, so I spent a lot of time away.

So what I did is I said, "I want some time with the kids.

"I want to have a Christmas like we used to have when we were kids."

You know, where you'd all sit around a log fire, playing board games.

Never happened, to be honest. But I've turned into me dad.

I've started remembering things that never actually happened. I have!

I've started pointing at things, saying,

"See that - I remember when all that was field."

I don't! In my head I do, cos that's what happens.

So I thought I want to go and have that kind of Christmas together.

So at Christmas, I booked a cottage in Berwick-upon-Tweed.

I said it needs to be a cottage with no internet access, no Sky TV, none of that stuff.

I just want the kind of holiday we used to have.

We ended up going up there on New Year and spending New Year up in Berwick-upon-Tweed.

-Does anyone know where Berwick-upon-Tweed is?

-Yes.

It's miles away! For those who don't know, it is miles away from anywhere.

It's on the border between Scotland, England and Narnia.

-JOHN'S VOICE:

-I phoned up and said, "I want to rent this but I want to make sure there's no internet access

"so they can't play X-Box and stuff like that."

He said, "Internet? It's Berwick, son, you haven't even got Ceefax."

We drove all the way up there. It took us ages to get there.

-There was me, Melanie, the three boys and the dog.

-WOOF! WOOF!

We turned up at Berwick-upon-Tweed and turned up at the cottage. I said to the kids,

"You can't take your phones." I took my phone. I said,

"You can't take your phones. This is going to be us having board games, having a family holiday."

We arrived at the cottage, we're emptying the car,

I'm trying to get the kids to carry the bags in. I don't know if anyone's ever tried

to get a teenage boy to do ANYTHING. But it is, all of a sudden,

like you've made them a slave. "Why do I have to carry the bag?

"Why do I have to carry all my own stuff to my own room in my own bag? I hate you."

"Leave the bags, I'll put the bags in. Yous three go in the living room put the telly on." "OK."

I walked into the living room 15 minutes later and this is how the world has changed.

I walked in and I asked that there was no satellite television,

but there was an normal telly, a telly

with a back on it, a telly. I walked in, the kids are sat on the couch like that.

I said, "What's wrong? They said, "It's crap here. "Why?" "The telly doesn't even work."

I walked over to the television,

I pressed a button,

the telly came on, my kids thought I was a wizard.

APPLAUSE

"What have you done now?" I said, "That's what happens." They said, "We can't hear it."

I said, "You walk over, turn it up and then you sit down.

"If you don't like it, you walk over and turn it over."

I said, "That's how we used to live. That's why we're not as fat as you lot."

But you have different expectations My kids have always gone abroad.

The last holiday we went on was half-term. We went skiing. Skiing(!)

I went skiing! Scousers shouldn't go skiing.

We turned up in France and I tell you what, skiing would not exist

if we had the Alps. It wouldn't.

If the Alps were in Britain, we wouldn't have skiing cos

Health and safety wouldn't allow it.

If you turned up at the Alps in Britain someone would say, "Can you do this?"

No-one gives a shit in France.

Honest to God. I turned up and you should never go skiing unless you know what you're doing as well.

Genetically, some people were born to ski.

The only people who should go skiing have got kids called Henry and Giles.

They're the ones who seem to know how to get on and off a chairlift.

You sit down, the kids are cool.

I'm sat on the lift saying to my kids, "Will you sit down! It's dangerous out here!"

But you can turn up in France, honestly,

get a set of skis, get on a chairlift,

go to the top of the mountain,

all the way up and no-one ever says "Can you do this?"

No-one is interested. I got to the top of the mountain in France, I put the skis down

I stood on the skis, I looked at the French ski instructor

and said, "Sorry, mate, I don't know what to do, I've never done this before."

-FRENCH ACCENT:

-He said, "I don't care."

And he pissed off!

But we've all had different experiences of holidays from hell.

My idea of a holiday from hell

is when people try to be too over active.

I don't get skiing holidays.

I've got friends who wanted to ride bicycles around France.

I'm happy to go around France, but I'd rather go in a car.

Good God, I would have no interest in camping at all.

I just don't see how living in a caravan for a week can be classed as a holiday.

The only camping I want to do is in gay clubs with my gay friends.

I went on holiday with a good-looking pop star,

one of my closest friends,

who then had a freak out, threw a pineapple at my head.

-I don't want to be bitten.

-I threw a Versace shoe at him.

-I don't want to be chased.

-He threw a fruit bowl at my head, the chandelier dropped.

-I don't want to be exhausted.

-That's normal in my life. It's no big deal.

The worst idea of holiday would be a package holiday.

Ibiza at its worst or something like that would be a nightmare.

Or... A-bith-a?

It's not, is it? What do you call it? That island. Did I say it right?

APPLAUSE

Duncan, you can afford to buy it.

You can call Ibiza whatever you want.

Ibtha-tha-tha-tha...

It's true, when you look at it, Ibiza and places like that

have changed our perception of holidays because of the 18-30s.

The 18-30s holidays have changed everything.

And I'm like a lot of men in here.

I think would I get away with it if I dyed my hair?

LAUGHTER

It shouldn't really be 18-30s because if you're 30

and you're still going, there's something very, very sad about that.

The thing is... We've all seen them.

When you're at the airport and you see the lads

and the girls arriving at the 18-30s holiday.

It's like the opening scenes of an episode of Casualty.

You see them and you know one of them is going to be leaving in a wheelchair.

The problem with the 18-30s holiday is they're built up for one thing

and they're all driven by the reps who are like oversexed puppies.

Have you seen them? They're like the Chuckle Brothers on crack.

"Hey, hey, I'm Mad Baz. Mad Baz. Suck us off. I'm mad Baz!

"Hey, later on, we're going to have lilo races. Suck us off. Lilo races.

"Shots at the end. Go on, suck us off. Hey, it'll be great fun.

"Everyone into town for this. Suck us off, suck us off."

They are. They drive everything.

When you see them as well, there's always amongst the 18-30s reps

the oldest rep in town. The one who's been there,

who's done every possible slammer, who's attended every possible foam party,

who's attended every event there could've been

and you look at him and you can see in his eyes he's hardened to it all.

He's had over a decade of it. He's like a Vietnam vet.

And you talk to him and he goes, "Yeah, man.

"Magaluf, '92.

"I don't want to talk about it.

"We lost some good boys that time.

And some nights when I look into the sunset

and I can see that inflatable banana going off and...

..in my heart I can hear Agado-do-do,

push pineapple, shake the tree.

I've got a mate, who's been a rep for 18-30s and he's now 42.

When you see him, he looks like Ronnie Wood on a bad day.

But you give up 18-30s, well, most people give up 18-30s anyway when you stop being single

and then you end up going on holiday just to have sex

with the person you live with all year and don't have sex with.

That's what it's about. You go on holiday and everybody who books a holiday...

Every man who books a holiday at least, has that in their head,

that this is going to be a little bit of a rumpy pumpy time.

We'll get the magic back. It's that kind of thing.

What's worse for British men is when you're there, you forget you're abroad,

you forget that in your mind you can try and be as romantic as you want.

You can try and be as sexy as you want

but you're surrounded by foreigners who are just a lot better than you.

You see the Spanish men looking at the Spanish women, taking them for a paella.

And then a flamenco and then taking them home for mad, passionate love.

And then you see the Italians walking along the Piazza,

holding hands, looking in their girlfriends' eyes.

And then taking them home for mad, passionate love.

And then you hear the English people, sat there, with her saying,

"You can as long as you don't touch me sunburn or burp in my face."

APPLAUSE

And if you do go with your partner,

you've always got to be on the lookout for the locals.

I was on honeymoon with my new wife in the Seychelles.

We met on the beach this man called Serge,

who was one of those kind of beach, holiday kind of people.

He asked us whether we'd like to go snorkelling. Well, I can't swim,

so snorkelling isn't very high up on my list of priorities on holiday.

So off she went and what apparently happened was that

they went on to this beach at which point Serge started to get a bit fruity with her and said,

"I sex your body now." Hilary said, "You do not sex my body, Serge.

"I'm on honeymoon." "Oh, no, that man, that man is your father."

She said, "No he's not my father, he's my husband."

He said, "He is too old for you. I sex your body now."

So he went for a second go at this as though Hilary would have said,

"Yeah, you're right, he's a bit old, I'd forgotten. Go on, go for it."

I wanted to go and sort Serge out,

but Serge was kind of 6 ft 6, huge, muscular,

so I decided not to and I felt guilty about it ever since,

that I didn't sock him one. "Chin him" I think is the phrase.

I sex your body now.

That was holidays.

Tonight has taught me that Duncan Bannatyne might be loaded,

but he can't speak.

Brits will do anything for a sun lounger and you can never trust a man called Serge.

I sex your body. Good night.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd.

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