Episode 6 John Bishop's Britain


Episode 6

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Thank you.

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Thank you. Good evening and welcome to John Bishop's Britain.

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CHEERING

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Each week, I'll be looking at a different subject that affects everybody in Britain.

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Tonight, it's holidays. Brits abroad is not a new phenomena.

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Let's be honest, we've been doing it for hundreds of years.

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We just used to call it having an empire.

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Instead of coming home after two weeks, we'd invade

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and stay for 200 years just to annoy them properly.

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To find out how us Brits really feel about holidays, I've spoken to hundreds of people about it -

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some you'll know, some you won't recognise. Here they are.

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They've all given us their thoughts and this is what we've got to look forward to tonight.

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-I wanted everything.

-All shapes and sizes.

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-Eng-er-lund!

-Wahay!

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-I'm all right, are you all right?

-Oh, so am I.

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I sex your body now.

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-Whee!

-Nice!

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LAUGHTER

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We'll hear what they think throughout the show.

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Plus, there will be a few sketches to show you what's actually going on in my head.

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So, holidays!

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Because of the nature of this show,

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because we're doing it at the time we do it, I had to cancel my holiday to do it.

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AUDIENCE: Aw!

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What happened is, we booked a two-week holiday

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and I had to cancel the holiday - for me.

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The kids went, me missus went. She went with the kids and I had to do that thing

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that every man does when your wife's going off

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with the kids and leaving you in the house on your own for two weeks.

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I had to make that sad face.

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Inside you're really happy but I'm going,

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"I'm going to miss you.

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"I really, really want to go. I'd rather be with you at the airport, fighting with the kids.

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"I'm here on my own, having the controls of the telly in my hand."

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Obviously I got up at five o'clock in the morning

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for the family tradition of having a row before departure.

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Getting there has got to be the hardest thing.

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'I quite like flying.'

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I quite like going on trains. I hate airports.

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I quite like an airport. I mean...

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I prefer a private airfield!

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I love the airport. I love it.

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The thought of spending three hours at an airport -

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being served coffee by some servile youth...

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Is always a nightmare.

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There'll be a queue for not only the check-in but sort of the boarding,

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and mum will see the queue and go to the front.

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Excuse me, excuse me! And they'll be like, "F..., what for?"

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And she'll be like, "Hmm?"

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Going through security answering stupid questions...

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And they literally make you do a striptease.

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I refuse to go through one of those X-ray machines

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and have one of those people look at my genitals on the X-ray.

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Belt, shoes, socks, your trousers start falling down.

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I think it's an invasion.

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I get into a proper airport rage.

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I don't mind people looking at my genitals but people that I know.

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Once you get on, it's horrific.

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And you're sat next to someone really smelly.

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The air stewardesses have so much make-up on, they're in a constant state of surprise.

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Why are you always sat next to someone smelly?

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"You all right?" "I'm all right." I'm freaking out.

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I just look forward to it being over - simple as that.

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You don't get to see the pilot any more. It's horrible!

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APPLAUSE

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Who has ever seen a pilot on a plane?

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I don't know what he's used to travelling on, whether it's a Spitfire...

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You don't want to see the pilot. I don't want to see the pilot.

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What you want is you want to hear his voice. That pilot's voice.

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You want to hear a posh voice.

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That gives you an assurance that he's qualified and he knows what he's doing.

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You want to hear him come on and say...

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-IN POSH VOICE:

-"Hello, this is Captain Nigel Barker. I'm your pilot.

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"I just want to thank you today for joining us on this flight to Palma.

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"Our flight time will be approximately 2 hours 45 minutes

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"And my First Officer, James, will be in charge of the controls today."

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You know the reason he's speaking is because James sounds exactly like me.

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And he will come on and go, "All right, it's Jimmy here. We're going to give it a go.

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"I'll just get my TomTom on so I know where I'm off to."

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There's always that bit as well when he does that announcement.

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He says, "Your cabin crew is ably led by Sandra.

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"And they are here primarily for your safety."

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And you're thinking, "No, they're not!

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"They're not here for my safety.

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"I'm not putting my life in the hands of someone who looks like a Wotsit."

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And you're being asked to them your full attention.

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during that safety briefing and they always tell you to have a look at the card.

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Have you seen the card?

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There's a picture of an aeroplane on water.

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And nobody's panicking.

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They just seem to be, "Oh, we're on water".

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And you know that's never going to happen.

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When that airline pilot landed that plane

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on water in New York,

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and everyone went, "That's brilliant, he's landed a plane on water,"

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There was talk about making a film about it,

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having Brad Pitt playing the pilot,

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who landed on water in New York.

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You knew when that was on the television in the news bulletins all around the world,

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thousands of pilots were sat at home thinking, "I can do that."

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That's the worse sign you want to get on a plane when a pilot thinks,

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"Look, I'm going to have a go."

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And as far as the life jackets go, now with the budget airlines,

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I'm scared to fly with Ryanair.

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I'm sure you probably need £1 to get your life jacket out.

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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And last year, last year, we actually went on our first package holiday as a family.

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Just give me a cheer if you've been on a package holiday.

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You know what it's like then. I didn't know what it was like.

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I turned up at the airport.

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It's a shock to the system. You turn up and look and there's whole families in tracksuits.

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Whole families in track... And you know none of them are really that athletic.

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You see the fat families in tracksuits and you know what I mean!

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The kind of people who turn up in football shirts to go on holiday.

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You know what I'm on about!

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The kind of people who think that getting changed for dinner

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is putting on the away strip.

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And the people wearing replica football kits are always massive.

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There must be a factory in China making XXXL Man United kits

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with Rooney on the back, thinking, "That Wayne Rooney must be a fat git!"

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We got on this plane and it was full of people in trainers

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and proper trainers, brand-new white trainers.

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Proper white sparkling trainers.

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It's as if when they check-in people are going to go, "Is that your passport?

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"Have you packed your bags yourself? Are those trainers box-fresh?"

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They were proper brand-new, proper trainers and tracksuits,

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and I thought if this plane crashes in the mountains,

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and some archaeologist finds it in 200 years' time,

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they're going to look at the size of the tracksuits and go,

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"Well, no wonder the British team were crap at the Olympics."

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Budget airline travel is amazing!

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-JOHN'S VOICE:

-I flew from Liverpool to Dublin three weeks ago for £1.

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£1! I flew for £1.

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From Liverpool to Dublin on a plane for £1.

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I didn't even want to go.

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I was on my way to Blockbusters to get a DVD.

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I thought, "Sod it, I'll save a few quid."

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I got on the plane for £1.

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-ALL:

-£1!

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You wouldn't... You know what, as a bargain, you wouldn't have that in any other form of your life.

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If someone knocked at your door and said, "Look, I'm selling buckets of shampoo for £1," you'd go,

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"No, I'm not going to take the risk, my hair will fall out."

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If someone in a pub says, "I've got bottles of aftershave for £1,"

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you go, "No chance, that'll probably burn my face."

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If someone comes up to you and says, "Do you fancy having a go

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"with defying gravity at 30,000 ft for £1," you think, "Yeah, I'll give it a go!"

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I got on a plane,

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paid £1 for a seat, asked for a cup of tea, £2.50!

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Then what happened, this had never happened to me before,

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as we were flying, the plane hit an air pocket.

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And as it hit an air pocket it fell.

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SCREAMING

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If anyone's had that frightening experience, we fell about 100, 200 ft.

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As we were falling I thought, "Yeah, it was only a quid."

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Then what happened, as it fell, it then levelled out like that.

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As it levelled out, I spilled my tea. I said, "Dickhead! £2.50 that cost."

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But I enjoy travelling on budget airlines.

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I've been married 17 years. To be honest, travelling on a budget airline

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is the only time I get to seem my wife with her ankles behind her head.

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I love that joke because if that stays there, I'm going to get battered.

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And also, that thing in check-in.

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All of the questions we get at check-in.

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It would be wonderful at check-in when you're giving in your baggage,

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if you could do the baggage you want to give in,

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if you could check-in emotional baggage.

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That would be wonderful.

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To arrive at the airport depressed and when they go,

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"Have you got anything to declare, you go, "Yeah, I just don't think she's coming home."

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After the misery of the flight, we all look forward to what we think is going to be our dream holiday.

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The best holiday that I've been on was Disneyland.

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The first hour I spent 7,000 in the Star Wars shop.

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I like getting on the golden sands of the beaches.

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I wanted everything there, it was amazing!

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There they were all topless, I tell you, all shapes and sizes!

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-It blew me away.

-It makes your holiday.

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My dream holiday would be to go to Disneyland with Dawn French.

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Touring around Europe with Picasso.

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It would have to be Gandhi.

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Nice.

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We'd probably get about on a donkey.

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David Ginola, so I could play with his hair on the plane, etc.

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Yeah, Picasso and I donkeying around.

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I think me, David, and Gandhi would have a blast.

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Ten days in the hotel in Barbados

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Sandra Bullock, definitely. Feeding me stuff.

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Anywhere with Billy Connelly, really.

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A couple of months with Roman Abramovich.

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You could sit in a box with Billy Connelly and have a great time.

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I think I'd maybe have to tie him up and throw him in the basement,

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because don't want to talk to him - I just want to go on his boat.

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So that's our dream holidays.

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We all know that that's not what really happens.

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What really happens is what happened to us.

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We arrived at this place,

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you turn up and there's that scramble for your luggage.

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That's horrible because you know what your bag looks like

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until it's on a conveyor belt when everyone else had bought the same bag.

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We're stood there on this package holiday waiting for the bags

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and there was someone with a similar bag and I didn't want to pick up their bag in case it had a bomb in it

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And Melanie, my wife, said what you need to do, identify your luggage by tying a big pink ribbon on it.

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I said I'd rather lose the bag.

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But what happened, we arrived at this place.

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We went to Portugal.

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We flew into Faro in Portugal and we come out.

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I'm not used to what happened.

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We had the scramble for bags, we come out,

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as we come out, there's the holiday rep there.

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She's stood there with an NVQ in clipboard management.

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She's saying, "What flight are you off?"

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"Manchester". "All right, what's yer name?"

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"You're on bus 15".

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We're walking over to the bus

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and you're looking at everyone else on your flight thinking,

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"I hope they're not in our hotel!"

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I've no idea why, I just don't like them.

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We got on the bus...

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We arrive, get on the bus and are putting our bags on the bus.

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And we're sat on the bus and this is so typically British.

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75 people filter onto the bus

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cos obviously what's meant to happen is it's meant to be an airport transfer.

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That's not what happens. It's an airport tour around every hotel in the resort.

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I was sat on the bus and she comes on the bus - the rep.

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We're sat there. English people who haven't said a word to each other on the flight.

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British people won't speak to each other on the flight.

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She goes, "Hello, everybody. My name's Debbie. I'm your holiday rep.

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"This is Pedro, your driver.

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"Everyone say, "Hola, Pedro!"" 75 British people went, "Hola, Pedro!"

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Cos our holiday's begun.

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He's not even from Portugal.

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He's some lad from Wigan who went over there to be a DJ in the '90s.

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He just happened to have a black moustache.

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Then he starts all that stuff you get when you're abroad.

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He puts the radio on and you hear all the...

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MIMICS FOREIGN RADIO

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"..Robbie Williams, Angels." Oh, yay. We're on holiday now!

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And it is... That transfer is not a transfer.

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You think, "I'll get picked up and taken to my hotel."

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They don't - they take you round everyone else' hotel,

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which is always better than YOUR hotel.

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We're sat on this bus and we turned into one hotel,

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it had water slides, it had pools, it had mini golf, it had nightclubs,

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it had the patio terrace overlooking the sea.

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And Debbie gets up and goes, "Hello, we're at the Hotel Los Alamos.

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"Is the Patel family here?"

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I looked at this Indian family sleeping on the back and said,

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"Come on, kids, we're off.

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"Come on.

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"This is where we're staying."

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But once you get there, you can't help it.

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No matter who you are and no matter how cool you think you are,

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you turn into a Brit abroad.

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I have been...

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embarrassed and ashamed to be British.

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Male Brits abroad are an absolute nightmare, bless them!

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We are loud lager louts!

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We're dreadful - I'm not but they are. Somebody is.

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I quite like Brits abroad. A lot people have a problem with it.

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I think I'm a total Brit abroad when I go away.

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I am that typical Brit abroad - that terrible cliche

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that we all laugh about.

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The type that has the Union Jack shorts.

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"Eng-er-lund!"

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Bulldog tattoo!

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"Shall we get tattoos? Let's do it."

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"All right, darling. Wahey!"

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There's always that thing

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where you'll be on the beach or in a restaurant

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and you'll hear someone speaking English.

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"Oh, you English?

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"Oh, so am I! Where are you from?"

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As long as I get my fry-up in the morning...

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-Take your brioche, stick it up it!

-..I'm happy.

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I'm having a full English fry-up.

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What do you mean no sausages? Get them in.

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One night, we either had the choice of crocodile, zebra or giraffe.

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Who wants to eat that muck?

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When we arrive on holiday, one thing that's a new phenomenon

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that never used to exist, was the all-inclusive holiday.

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The all-inclusive wristband. We arrived at this hotel.

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We were given our all-inclusive wristband.

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Who's ever been on one of those holidays?

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-AUDIENCE:

-Yes!

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They're popular now.

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And, for some of us, that wristband represents convenience.

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It's something that means the kids aren't going to hassle you

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for glasses of Coke or ice creams. It makes life easy.

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For SOME of us! For some people, it's a challenge.

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You see them turn up with two sets of luggage -

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the one that fits them now and the one that will fit them in two weeks.

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You do, you see them every day, looking to see if their body's grown over the wristband.

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Getting the kids and stuffing it in at 10 o'clock in the morning.

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"Get the chips! Get 'em in! They're free, get 'em in!

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"Get 'em in, get 'em in! Come on! Now go for a swim."

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All-inclusive is a great idea, but instead of having,

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you know, having a height bar that they have at Disneyland?

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Do you know what, they should have a width bar.

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"Look, look, sorry, we can't afford you two coming in.

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"There's not going to be anything left for anything else."

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But what happens is you get into it, and as I say it's this "Brit Abroad" mentality.

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You don't think it'll happen to you.

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Because I'd never had experience of a package holiday before,

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I'd never been through it. The first morning, we woke up,

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I turn up to look for a sun lounger. You know, the thing to lie on.

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At half nine in the morning.

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Oh, what a fool am I.

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You could see people looking at you going, "Half nine in the morning? Not a chance, dickhead!"

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You've got no chance! All of a sudden, as a man,

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that becomes your role.

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That's what you have to do.

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It's like the modern equivalent of hunting for food.

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You get up in the morning to say, "I am going to hunt the sun loungers.

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"I am going to provide sun loungers for my family."

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We used to lie there, and we could see people coming,

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making the same mistake that I made, coming in late and not having anything.

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Whole families walking like wounded wildebeest...

0:19:430:19:46

And everyone's going, "Ah, no chance, knobhead! Go on!

0:19:490:19:52

"I'm here by the water.

0:19:520:19:54

"Go on, get in the car park, you've got no chance."

0:19:540:19:56

You even come up to that pathetic bit,

0:19:560:19:59

you know when they're looking for a spare. They're going "Is anyone using them?" "No, go away."

0:19:590:20:04

No-one's sat on it all day but my towel's on it.

0:20:040:20:07

Because that's what happens! That's how you claim it!

0:20:070:20:10

And that's acceptable, I think.

0:20:100:20:12

We've all learned that there's a way of dealing with things.

0:20:120:20:15

And that's how you claim it.

0:20:150:20:17

You put your towel on, that makes it yours.

0:20:170:20:19

It's the human equivalent of pissing on your patch.

0:20:190:20:22

If you're a man in the morning,

0:20:220:20:24

you put your towel on, that's how you claim it.

0:20:240:20:26

We were on holiday at this place for two weeks.

0:20:260:20:29

We'd got into a routine, in the first week.

0:20:290:20:31

On the eighth day,

0:20:310:20:33

there was obviously a new batch of people who come in.

0:20:330:20:36

People who didn't know that that was our corner.

0:20:360:20:39

Who didn't recognise that those sun loungers were the Bishop family sun loungers.

0:20:390:20:45

I came down on the eighth day, and I wasn't late!

0:20:450:20:49

It was at 7.15.

0:20:510:20:54

That's not late, in sun lounger land.

0:20:540:20:56

And by which point, I'd been there for a week,

0:20:560:20:58

so I felt like I owned the place.

0:20:580:21:00

I come down to the sun loungers, we used to have this row of five,

0:21:000:21:04

and the sun lounger in the middle,

0:21:040:21:06

IN THE MIDDLE, was claimed.

0:21:060:21:09

THAT annoyed me,

0:21:090:21:11

that it disrupted my row of five.

0:21:110:21:12

But do you know what it was claimed with?

0:21:120:21:15

A flip-flop!

0:21:150:21:17

-A

-FLIP-FLOP!

0:21:190:21:21

Not two flip-flops! I went down, I thought,

0:21:210:21:24

"You better have one leg, you bastard!"

0:21:240:21:26

But it's not just me who has problems with sun loungers.

0:21:360:21:41

We were on holiday when I was younger, I think we went to Spain.

0:21:450:21:48

And you know what it's like, the sort of,

0:21:480:21:50

fight for sun loungers and stuff.

0:21:500:21:52

Anyway, my mum had got up really early especially to go and get, like, this sun lounger.

0:21:520:21:56

Put her towel on it, went and did a little couple of bits and come back.

0:21:560:21:59

When she come back, there was this woman laying on her sun lounger,

0:21:590:22:03

with my mum's towel just thrown on the floor.

0:22:030:22:06

"Well, what's goin' on here?"

0:22:060:22:08

So the woman gets up, so my mum just pushes her straight in the pool.

0:22:080:22:11

Which I think is fair enough.

0:22:110:22:12

It turns out she can't swim,

0:22:120:22:14

so then, this woman's flapping about,

0:22:140:22:16

lifeguards, people jumping in, husbands, children,

0:22:160:22:19

all trying to save this woman.

0:22:190:22:21

My mum's like, "Leave her, leave her!"

0:22:210:22:23

She got her sun lounger, so she don't care.

0:22:230:22:25

My mum gets charged like, 50 Euros for breach of the peace,

0:22:250:22:28

because she pushed this bird in. It's her own fault, I would have let her drown.

0:22:280:22:31

I'm probably like a lot of people here, I didn't have that type of holiday.

0:22:390:22:42

I didn't have that problem with my Mum,

0:22:420:22:45

cos we never went abroad.

0:22:450:22:46

We didn't have that type of life. There was nothing more exciting

0:22:460:22:50

when I was a kid than escaping to a whole new world

0:22:500:22:53

by getting in a car and driving for an hour to get on holiday.

0:22:530:22:57

That's what we did. We had holidays in a car.

0:22:570:22:59

We went to places like Wales.

0:22:590:23:01

We had car trips, and they were proper car trips, I mean, my dad, my dad invented the people carrier!

0:23:010:23:08

No-one believes this, but he did.

0:23:080:23:10

When we were kids, my Dad invented the people carrier.

0:23:100:23:13

We had a Ford Escort van and you know the panels on the van?

0:23:130:23:16

He cut the panels out the side of the van and put glass in

0:23:160:23:20

and put a bench in the back, and said, "There you go!"

0:23:200:23:23

No DVD player, that was it! No seatbelts! We lived in a different world, then.

0:23:230:23:28

If you fell out the car it was your own friggin' fault.

0:23:280:23:30

And we also... We also had a Hillman Imp. This is true, this.

0:23:320:23:37

I remember us going on a camper holiday when we were kids.

0:23:370:23:40

And we went to Bala, you know, in North Wales.

0:23:400:23:43

And my dad had this silver Imp,

0:23:430:23:45

so there was me, my mum and dad, my two sisters, my brother and our dog.

0:23:450:23:48

And the tent.

0:23:480:23:49

The tent wasn't a person, it was just a tent.

0:23:490:23:52

But it meant something else to go in the car.

0:23:520:23:55

We all had to get in the car, put the tent on the roof.

0:23:550:23:58

And the Hillman Imp couldn't get up the hills.

0:23:580:24:00

They were crap cars, weren't they?

0:24:000:24:02

So what we had to do, on the holiday,

0:24:020:24:04

we had to get out at the bottom of the hill, walk up the hill...

0:24:040:24:07

..and meet my dad at the top.

0:24:090:24:10

There were some hills, we overtook him on the way up!

0:24:100:24:14

And at the top of the hill,

0:24:140:24:15

we'd get back in the car like it was a toboggan and go flying down it.

0:24:150:24:19

And cars were different, as well.

0:24:220:24:24

They were made to be stuffy.

0:24:240:24:26

Nobody enjoyed a car trip then - they were made to be stuffy.

0:24:260:24:29

It's like they pumped all that stuffiness in

0:24:290:24:32

so that you could be carsick while your mum and dad smoked in the front.

0:24:320:24:35

And the whole thing about that -

0:24:370:24:39

both them smoking and the stuffiness -

0:24:390:24:41

meant there was always a bit where,

0:24:410:24:43

after about three quarters of an hour, you'd have to stop at a lay-by.

0:24:430:24:46

And that's where trips are different now. Because my mum used to say,

0:24:460:24:50

"We're going to go on a trip. We're going to go MILES away, we're going to Rhyl.

0:24:500:24:55

"So what I'm going to do is, I'm going to pack a picnic."

0:24:550:24:58

So she'd pack a picnic.

0:24:580:24:59

So we'd drive and then we'd stop at a lay-by.

0:24:590:25:02

It was always around Chester cos that was ages for us to get to Chester.

0:25:020:25:06

We used to stop and have a picnic in a lay-by.

0:25:060:25:08

I was speaking to me missus recently and I said, "Look,"

0:25:080:25:12

we were taking the kids down to North Wales,

0:25:120:25:14

and I said, "Why don't we do what I used to do when I was a kid?

0:25:140:25:17

"Instead of stopping at a service station and stuff, we'll pack a picnic.

0:25:170:25:20

"We'll get in the car, and we'll pull over, and we'll have a picnic in a lay-by."

0:25:200:25:25

And my youngest lad said, "What about all the people dogging?"

0:25:250:25:29

I thought, "How does he know about dogging?! He's only got a bike!

0:25:340:25:38

"Surely, at least you need a windscreen?"

0:25:390:25:42

But the most exciting thing that happened to me

0:25:420:25:44

when I was a kid was Blackpool Illuminations.

0:25:440:25:48

Now, just give me a cheer

0:25:480:25:50

if you went to Blackpool Illuminations as a kid.

0:25:500:25:52

AUDIENCE: Yes!

0:25:520:25:54

You did! You did, cos you're from the North.

0:25:540:25:56

And Northern people went to the Blackpool Illuminations

0:25:560:26:00

because it was like a rite of passage.

0:26:000:26:02

For Northerners, it's like our Mecca.

0:26:020:26:04

Yeah, you have to go there and pay homage -

0:26:040:26:08

to tack - at least once a year.

0:26:080:26:10

And I went... I mean, I couldn't do it now.

0:26:120:26:14

You couldn't say to your kids, "Come on, let's go to the Blackpool Illuminations."

0:26:140:26:18

That's basically saying,

0:26:180:26:19

"Do you want to come and sit in a very colourful traffic jam?"

0:26:190:26:23

But I went to the Blackpool Illuminations when I was 11, right?

0:26:240:26:28

I was 11 years of age.

0:26:280:26:30

It was 1977 and anyone who went to the Blackpool Illuminations

0:26:300:26:34

will tell you the most exciting thing

0:26:340:26:36

was who was going to turn on the Blackpool Illuminations.

0:26:360:26:39

There was a massive buzz about who might turn on the Blackpool Illuminations.

0:26:390:26:44

We were waiting to see what big celebrity was going to do...

0:26:440:26:47

There was a rumour along the promenade

0:26:470:26:49

it was going to be Little and Large. I couldn't believe my luck!

0:26:490:26:52

Do you know who turned on the Blackpool Illuminations in 1977?

0:26:550:26:59

Red Rum!

0:26:590:27:00

A friggin' horse!

0:27:030:27:05

They couldn't even get people to do it!

0:27:050:27:07

When he walked on to the podium,

0:27:070:27:09

all the donkeys on the beach were going, "You big-headed bastard!"

0:27:090:27:12

But I have to be honest...

0:27:160:27:17

My kids, they're teenage lads and they're getting to that point

0:27:170:27:21

where they want to stop going on holiday with us.

0:27:210:27:24

But I went on holiday with my parents all the way until I was 17.

0:27:240:27:27

And the last holiday I went on with my parents, I went CAMPING

0:27:270:27:31

with my parents. I was a 17-year-old boy.

0:27:310:27:34

Can you imagine how awkward that was? I was 17!

0:27:340:27:37

I did what every 17-year-old boy does, I hung around the arcade.

0:27:370:27:41

I was trying to be cool - trying to pull some birds.

0:27:410:27:44

Not easy when you're camping because at some point they're going

0:27:440:27:48

to see you walking to the toilet block with bog roll in your hand.

0:27:480:27:51

LAUGHTER

0:27:510:27:53

It's not easy to be cool, looking at them go, "I'll get rid of this and then I'll see you later."

0:27:530:27:57

LAUGHTER

0:27:570:28:01

But it seems everyone, at one point, has had a nightmare family holiday.

0:28:010:28:06

Family holidays. They all just all end in tears.

0:28:080:28:12

I live with my family, work with my family,

0:28:120:28:15

and we all go on holiday together.

0:28:150:28:17

Some people think that's very odd.

0:28:170:28:19

My folks had a caravan in Little Hampton, classy(!)

0:28:190:28:23

We used to go down there a lot and go to the local swimming baths.

0:28:230:28:25

We go on holiday to Blackpool for a weekend once a year.

0:28:250:28:29

I'd barely put on my Speedos,

0:28:290:28:31

and my mum had jumped into the swimming pool...

0:28:310:28:34

My mum likes to come on the rides, because she wants to think she's still young.

0:28:340:28:38

..swam all the way to the giant inflatable,

0:28:380:28:40

kicked off any kid that was in her path,

0:28:400:28:43

climbed on top of the spider,

0:28:430:28:45

"Yes, I've done it!"

0:28:450:28:46

But my mum is very much like a puppy.

0:28:460:28:49

Gets very excited and wets herself.

0:28:490:28:51

I remember literally dying of embarrassment.

0:28:510:28:54

When you're going down, she goes "Wheeee!"

0:28:540:28:56

but she don't just go "Wheee!" she actually does wee!

0:28:560:29:00

What mothers behave like that?

0:29:000:29:02

One of the benefits of my parents divorcing was that my dad

0:29:020:29:06

went to work as a rep in Spain and France.

0:29:060:29:09

So come the summer holidays, I would just go away for six weeks.

0:29:090:29:12

Family holidays were really fun, they were like,

0:29:120:29:15

really naughty and badly-behaved.

0:29:150:29:17

Really naughty!

0:29:170:29:18

But I'm from a broken home, so there are some negatives.

0:29:180:29:22

Me and my sister went with my Dad to Wales, it was crap.

0:29:220:29:25

I can remember taking the children to these great ancestral homes,

0:29:250:29:28

Areas of Outstanding Natural Beauty...

0:29:280:29:30

It was raining, my dad wanted to go fishing, climbing up dirty mountains,

0:29:300:29:34

we were having none of it.

0:29:340:29:35

..and all they did was sit in the back of the car, with headphones on,

0:29:350:29:38

going chig-a chig-a chig-a, "When is the McDonald's coming?"

0:29:380:29:43

Great(!)

0:29:430:29:44

There was a point in that clip then, where Speedos were mentioned.

0:29:490:29:54

And there was a massive "urgh" around the room.

0:29:540:29:58

And that, to be fair, is acceptable.

0:29:580:30:00

Because we all know Speedos don't work on anyone.

0:30:000:30:03

You don't look cool when you look like you're walking round

0:30:030:30:06

with a bag of hammers in front of you.

0:30:060:30:09

But that's what happens when you're on holiday, you dress in a way you would never normally dress.

0:30:090:30:13

There's people here who've done it. There's people who've thought,

0:30:130:30:17

"Well, this sarong looks fantastic. I'll wear it when I go down the pub."

0:30:170:30:21

It's not easy when you turn up and your mates go, "Dave, why are you wearing a sarong?"

0:30:210:30:25

See, it's great. It's like this suit, to be honest with you.

0:30:250:30:30

I know, I know! Somebody said, "Look, you're going to do a show,

0:30:310:30:34

"Saturday night telly, get a suit, get a suit!

0:30:340:30:37

"Get a sharp suit!" Obviously, what they've thought is, "He's a Scouser,

0:30:370:30:41

"let's try and get him a suit that's as close to a shellsuit as possible."

0:30:410:30:45

But that thing that was said at the end, about going on holiday with your kids,

0:30:510:30:55

and how they've changed. What I tried to do for New Year this year, I had a massive year.

0:30:550:30:59

This year I had a huge tour that took a lot of time, so I spent a lot of time away.

0:30:590:31:03

So what I did is I said, "I want some time with the kids.

0:31:030:31:07

"I want to have a Christmas like we used to have when we were kids."

0:31:070:31:11

You know, where you'd all sit around a log fire, playing board games.

0:31:110:31:15

Never happened, to be honest. But I've turned into me dad.

0:31:160:31:21

I've started remembering things that never actually happened. I have!

0:31:210:31:24

I've started pointing at things, saying,

0:31:240:31:27

"See that - I remember when all that was field."

0:31:270:31:29

I don't! In my head I do, cos that's what happens.

0:31:290:31:32

So I thought I want to go and have that kind of Christmas together.

0:31:320:31:36

So at Christmas, I booked a cottage in Berwick-upon-Tweed.

0:31:360:31:41

I said it needs to be a cottage with no internet access, no Sky TV, none of that stuff.

0:31:410:31:46

I just want the kind of holiday we used to have.

0:31:460:31:50

We ended up going up there on New Year and spending New Year up in Berwick-upon-Tweed.

0:31:500:31:55

-Does anyone know where Berwick-upon-Tweed is?

-Yes.

0:31:550:31:59

It's miles away! For those who don't know, it is miles away from anywhere.

0:31:590:32:03

It's on the border between Scotland, England and Narnia.

0:32:030:32:08

-JOHN'S VOICE:

-I phoned up and said, "I want to rent this but I want to make sure there's no internet access

0:32:100:32:16

"so they can't play X-Box and stuff like that."

0:32:160:32:18

He said, "Internet? It's Berwick, son, you haven't even got Ceefax."

0:32:180:32:22

We drove all the way up there. It took us ages to get there.

0:32:230:32:26

-There was me, Melanie, the three boys and the dog.

-WOOF! WOOF!

0:32:260:32:30

We turned up at Berwick-upon-Tweed and turned up at the cottage. I said to the kids,

0:32:300:32:35

"You can't take your phones." I took my phone. I said,

0:32:350:32:38

"You can't take your phones. This is going to be us having board games, having a family holiday."

0:32:380:32:43

We arrived at the cottage, we're emptying the car,

0:32:430:32:47

I'm trying to get the kids to carry the bags in. I don't know if anyone's ever tried

0:32:470:32:51

to get a teenage boy to do ANYTHING. But it is, all of a sudden,

0:32:510:32:57

like you've made them a slave. "Why do I have to carry the bag?

0:32:570:33:00

"Why do I have to carry all my own stuff to my own room in my own bag? I hate you."

0:33:000:33:07

"Leave the bags, I'll put the bags in. Yous three go in the living room put the telly on." "OK."

0:33:080:33:14

I walked into the living room 15 minutes later and this is how the world has changed.

0:33:140:33:19

I walked in and I asked that there was no satellite television,

0:33:190:33:23

but there was an normal telly, a telly

0:33:230:33:26

with a back on it, a telly. I walked in, the kids are sat on the couch like that.

0:33:260:33:31

I said, "What's wrong? They said, "It's crap here. "Why?" "The telly doesn't even work."

0:33:310:33:35

I walked over to the television,

0:33:370:33:42

I pressed a button,

0:33:420:33:44

the telly came on, my kids thought I was a wizard.

0:33:440:33:46

APPLAUSE

0:33:500:33:52

"What have you done now?" I said, "That's what happens." They said, "We can't hear it."

0:33:550:33:59

I said, "You walk over, turn it up and then you sit down.

0:33:590:34:01

"If you don't like it, you walk over and turn it over."

0:34:010:34:05

I said, "That's how we used to live. That's why we're not as fat as you lot."

0:34:050:34:08

But you have different expectations My kids have always gone abroad.

0:34:100:34:14

The last holiday we went on was half-term. We went skiing. Skiing(!)

0:34:140:34:19

I went skiing! Scousers shouldn't go skiing.

0:34:190:34:22

We turned up in France and I tell you what, skiing would not exist

0:34:220:34:29

if we had the Alps. It wouldn't.

0:34:290:34:32

If the Alps were in Britain, we wouldn't have skiing cos

0:34:320:34:34

Health and safety wouldn't allow it.

0:34:340:34:37

If you turned up at the Alps in Britain someone would say, "Can you do this?"

0:34:370:34:42

No-one gives a shit in France.

0:34:420:34:45

Honest to God. I turned up and you should never go skiing unless you know what you're doing as well.

0:34:450:34:51

Genetically, some people were born to ski.

0:34:510:34:54

The only people who should go skiing have got kids called Henry and Giles.

0:34:540:34:59

They're the ones who seem to know how to get on and off a chairlift.

0:34:590:35:03

You sit down, the kids are cool.

0:35:030:35:05

I'm sat on the lift saying to my kids, "Will you sit down! It's dangerous out here!"

0:35:050:35:10

But you can turn up in France, honestly,

0:35:100:35:15

get a set of skis, get on a chairlift,

0:35:150:35:19

go to the top of the mountain,

0:35:190:35:21

all the way up and no-one ever says "Can you do this?"

0:35:210:35:24

No-one is interested. I got to the top of the mountain in France, I put the skis down

0:35:240:35:29

I stood on the skis, I looked at the French ski instructor

0:35:290:35:33

and said, "Sorry, mate, I don't know what to do, I've never done this before."

0:35:330:35:37

-FRENCH ACCENT:

-He said, "I don't care."

0:35:370:35:40

And he pissed off!

0:35:400:35:42

But we've all had different experiences of holidays from hell.

0:35:420:35:47

My idea of a holiday from hell

0:35:520:35:55

is when people try to be too over active.

0:35:550:35:58

I don't get skiing holidays.

0:35:580:36:00

I've got friends who wanted to ride bicycles around France.

0:36:000:36:05

I'm happy to go around France, but I'd rather go in a car.

0:36:050:36:08

Good God, I would have no interest in camping at all.

0:36:080:36:11

I just don't see how living in a caravan for a week can be classed as a holiday.

0:36:110:36:17

The only camping I want to do is in gay clubs with my gay friends.

0:36:170:36:20

I went on holiday with a good-looking pop star,

0:36:200:36:23

one of my closest friends,

0:36:230:36:25

who then had a freak out, threw a pineapple at my head.

0:36:250:36:29

-I don't want to be bitten.

-I threw a Versace shoe at him.

0:36:290:36:31

-I don't want to be chased.

-He threw a fruit bowl at my head, the chandelier dropped.

0:36:310:36:35

-I don't want to be exhausted.

-That's normal in my life. It's no big deal.

0:36:350:36:40

The worst idea of holiday would be a package holiday.

0:36:400:36:43

Ibiza at its worst or something like that would be a nightmare.

0:36:430:36:47

Or... A-bith-a?

0:36:470:36:50

It's not, is it? What do you call it? That island. Did I say it right?

0:36:500:36:54

APPLAUSE

0:36:540:36:56

Duncan, you can afford to buy it.

0:37:020:37:04

You can call Ibiza whatever you want.

0:37:040:37:07

Ibtha-tha-tha-tha...

0:37:070:37:09

It's true, when you look at it, Ibiza and places like that

0:37:090:37:13

have changed our perception of holidays because of the 18-30s.

0:37:130:37:17

The 18-30s holidays have changed everything.

0:37:170:37:20

And I'm like a lot of men in here.

0:37:200:37:23

I think would I get away with it if I dyed my hair?

0:37:230:37:27

LAUGHTER

0:37:270:37:28

It shouldn't really be 18-30s because if you're 30

0:37:280:37:31

and you're still going, there's something very, very sad about that.

0:37:310:37:35

The thing is... We've all seen them.

0:37:350:37:37

When you're at the airport and you see the lads

0:37:370:37:40

and the girls arriving at the 18-30s holiday.

0:37:400:37:43

It's like the opening scenes of an episode of Casualty.

0:37:430:37:47

You see them and you know one of them is going to be leaving in a wheelchair.

0:37:470:37:50

The problem with the 18-30s holiday is they're built up for one thing

0:37:500:37:55

and they're all driven by the reps who are like oversexed puppies.

0:37:550:38:00

Have you seen them? They're like the Chuckle Brothers on crack.

0:38:000:38:03

"Hey, hey, I'm Mad Baz. Mad Baz. Suck us off. I'm mad Baz!

0:38:030:38:09

"Hey, later on, we're going to have lilo races. Suck us off. Lilo races.

0:38:090:38:14

"Shots at the end. Go on, suck us off. Hey, it'll be great fun.

0:38:140:38:17

"Everyone into town for this. Suck us off, suck us off."

0:38:170:38:20

They are. They drive everything.

0:38:200:38:22

When you see them as well, there's always amongst the 18-30s reps

0:38:220:38:27

the oldest rep in town. The one who's been there,

0:38:270:38:31

who's done every possible slammer, who's attended every possible foam party,

0:38:310:38:36

who's attended every event there could've been

0:38:360:38:40

and you look at him and you can see in his eyes he's hardened to it all.

0:38:400:38:44

He's had over a decade of it. He's like a Vietnam vet.

0:38:440:38:49

And you talk to him and he goes, "Yeah, man.

0:38:490:38:52

"Magaluf, '92.

0:38:520:38:55

"I don't want to talk about it.

0:38:550:38:57

"We lost some good boys that time.

0:38:590:39:01

And some nights when I look into the sunset

0:39:010:39:05

and I can see that inflatable banana going off and...

0:39:050:39:09

..in my heart I can hear Agado-do-do,

0:39:110:39:15

push pineapple, shake the tree.

0:39:150:39:19

I've got a mate, who's been a rep for 18-30s and he's now 42.

0:39:240:39:29

When you see him, he looks like Ronnie Wood on a bad day.

0:39:290:39:34

But you give up 18-30s, well, most people give up 18-30s anyway when you stop being single

0:39:350:39:42

and then you end up going on holiday just to have sex

0:39:420:39:46

with the person you live with all year and don't have sex with.

0:39:460:39:50

That's what it's about. You go on holiday and everybody who books a holiday...

0:39:500:39:54

Every man who books a holiday at least, has that in their head,

0:39:540:39:58

that this is going to be a little bit of a rumpy pumpy time.

0:39:580:40:01

We'll get the magic back. It's that kind of thing.

0:40:010:40:04

What's worse for British men is when you're there, you forget you're abroad,

0:40:040:40:08

you forget that in your mind you can try and be as romantic as you want.

0:40:080:40:12

You can try and be as sexy as you want

0:40:120:40:14

but you're surrounded by foreigners who are just a lot better than you.

0:40:140:40:19

You see the Spanish men looking at the Spanish women, taking them for a paella.

0:40:190:40:25

And then a flamenco and then taking them home for mad, passionate love.

0:40:250:40:29

And then you see the Italians walking along the Piazza,

0:40:290:40:32

holding hands, looking in their girlfriends' eyes.

0:40:320:40:35

And then taking them home for mad, passionate love.

0:40:350:40:39

And then you hear the English people, sat there, with her saying,

0:40:390:40:43

"You can as long as you don't touch me sunburn or burp in my face."

0:40:430:40:48

APPLAUSE

0:40:520:40:55

And if you do go with your partner,

0:41:000:41:03

you've always got to be on the lookout for the locals.

0:41:030:41:07

I was on honeymoon with my new wife in the Seychelles.

0:41:070:41:11

We met on the beach this man called Serge,

0:41:110:41:15

who was one of those kind of beach, holiday kind of people.

0:41:150:41:18

He asked us whether we'd like to go snorkelling. Well, I can't swim,

0:41:180:41:22

so snorkelling isn't very high up on my list of priorities on holiday.

0:41:220:41:28

So off she went and what apparently happened was that

0:41:280:41:33

they went on to this beach at which point Serge started to get a bit fruity with her and said,

0:41:330:41:40

"I sex your body now." Hilary said, "You do not sex my body, Serge.

0:41:400:41:45

"I'm on honeymoon." "Oh, no, that man, that man is your father."

0:41:450:41:50

She said, "No he's not my father, he's my husband."

0:41:500:41:54

He said, "He is too old for you. I sex your body now."

0:41:540:41:58

So he went for a second go at this as though Hilary would have said,

0:41:580:42:01

"Yeah, you're right, he's a bit old, I'd forgotten. Go on, go for it."

0:42:010:42:05

I wanted to go and sort Serge out,

0:42:050:42:08

but Serge was kind of 6 ft 6, huge, muscular,

0:42:080:42:12

so I decided not to and I felt guilty about it ever since,

0:42:120:42:17

that I didn't sock him one. "Chin him" I think is the phrase.

0:42:170:42:20

I sex your body now.

0:42:220:42:24

That was holidays.

0:42:310:42:33

Tonight has taught me that Duncan Bannatyne might be loaded,

0:42:330:42:36

but he can't speak.

0:42:360:42:38

Brits will do anything for a sun lounger and you can never trust a man called Serge.

0:42:380:42:44

I sex your body. Good night.

0:42:440:42:48

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:42:480:42:51

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd.

0:43:050:43:08

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0:43:080:43:11

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