2013 John Bishop's Christmas Show

Is John, John, I said it's time for your show. Put down that mince pie

and get a move on. # Sleigh bells ring are you

listening # A beautiful sight

# We're happy tonight # Walking in a winter Wonderland

# Gone away # Is the bluebird

# Here to stay # Is the new bird

# He sings a love song # As we come along

# Walking in a winter Wonderland Did you throw it?

Mate you don't know where the Lyceum Theatre is? It's behind you! That is

mate. LINEBREAK I know, I know. I'm sorry, I was in

my hotel room, I didn't know we were starting, I'm going to get ready, so

I will be on in a minute. This is a brilliant Christmas show, thank you

for coming and being in the Christmas spirit, we are here,

tomorrow is Christmas Eve, yes! I know. I sense the panic in the room

there when all the men went "oh sheet I better go and buy

something". Nothing says Christmas as a BBC Christmas show, and unless

you have fabulous dancers and fabulous singers. I will see you in

a second. # Walking in a winter Wonderland

# Gone away # Is the bluebird

# Here to stay # Is the new bird

# He sings a love song # As we go along

# Walking in a winter Wonderland # You'll say are you married

# We 'll say no man # You can do the job if you're in

town # Later on we 'll conspire

# As we dream by the fire # To face unafraid

# The plans that we have made # Walking in the winter Wonderland

# In west can build a snowman # Pretend he's a circus clown

# We 'll have lots of fun with Mr Snowman

# Until the little kiddies # They knock him down

# Later on we 'll conspire # As we dream by the fire

# To face unafraid # The plans that we've made

# Walking in the winter Wonderland. I can't get up! I can't get up, my

leg's gone! Hey. Sorry about that, like always with the premature kick,

you know what it's like, all the fellas know what it is like. Ladies

and gentlemen please put your hands together for the Overtones. And of

course the special round of applause for the Tiller Girls.

Yeah, I know. When the BBC say do you want to do a Christmas know, s

you know a show, you say yes, and what do you want in it, dancers. All

over the country there is middle-aged men thinking I know what

I want for Christmas. Thank you ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the

show, it is Christmas, we are here. Are you excited! I have to be honest

with you, I'm not! I tell you why I'm not, because I have teenage

kids. When the BBC came to me and said we want you to do a Christmas

show. I thought that would be brilliant, I want to do a Christmas

show. The only thing is Christmas doesn't come in our house any more,

because I have teenage kids. You know what it's leek, the magic is

gone. Anyone with little kids it will be exciting for you. When you

have teenage kids it is difficult. I remember when my oldest son came

home and everything changed, he came home from school that day, he would

have been about seven or eight, he said is it true what all the kids

are saying in the playground. I said what are they saying? He said they

are saying I have been lied to all my life and what I believe isn't

really true. I had to sit him down and say, to be honest with you son,

they're right, I'm not your real dad! I can't tell you how awkward

that was, when he said no it was about Santa! And it is true, if you

have got teenage kids it is a different things. Christmas to them

is different. It is like living with Bob Geldof, there is always someone

in the corner that needs a bath, when you say what do you want, and

he says "I want you money, give me money"! They don't want presents

they want money. Me and my missus said we don't do that year we will

give them presents. With teenage boys you give them what they need,

which isn't necessarily what they want. That is why all over this

country this year teenage boys will get aftershave. And it is not

because they shave, and they need to do something after they shave, it is

because they stink! They do. Teenage boys have an aroma that just comes

out of them, that unless you see them you don't know. You only notice

it when there is pack of them. The individual can get way. But when you

walk into a room that is full teenage boys, God that hits you in

the face. Your eyes start melting, there is just this aroma that comes

out of them that hits with hormone, desire, lust and potential

disappointment. It just hangs on them. In fact, given teenagers,

aftershave is just like spraying air freshener on Parmesan. One traditiia

goes -- tradition that goes on at Christmas, men are supposed to buy

their wives underwear, give me a cheer all the men that have bought

their wives underwear at Christmas, and a cheer from those who have got

it right? You lying bastard. Because you can't get it right, I don't do

it any more, because it is a horrible situation, as man you just

become a perv. We have all done t you end up in these underwear

sections in marks and sensers and -- marks and sensers and stuff, and a

girl comes up to help, and you were like, I was going to buy something

for my weave they always go what size is she. And you always get that

question, when well, is she my size? You stand there going, God I wish! A

bit like that but not as pet! Pert! It is awful, women don't have that,

if you want to buy men underwear, you don't walk into Next or Burtons

and you pick up packet of underwear and someone goes, hello had love, is

he packing like me or what! Now, for us, it has all changed, they get

computer stuff, sexual the stuff you -- so all the stuff they do is gone,

they take their computer games and run off, while you are trying to do

the old things you do they don't do it. My youngest got Grand Theft Auto

last year, do you know how hard it is when someone is dumping a hooker

in the back of car they have set tire to they don't want to play

Cludo! Last year I couldn't get him to eat the Christmas dinner, I said

come down, he said he can't he's playing Angry Birds, I said there's

a turkey with sage and onion up its arse how angry do you want the bird

to be! So ladies and gentlemen, are you ready for a good night. We have

a wonderful bill of entertainment, everyone on this line-up are friends

of mine, they are people I want to bring here, and the first act that

is coming on tonight is a close personal friend, I have known him

ever since we were on the circuit together. He has always been a good

friend to me. More than that he hauls been -- has always been one of

the best comedians. Welcome to the stage the fabulous Jason Manford.

Merry Christmas, John Bishop everybody. I love him. Wow, a Manc

and Scouser on the same bill, I think they get grant for that! The

great thing about Christmas, of course, is we get to threaten our

children with it all year round. That's brilliant, Santa won't bring

you any presents! That's classic. Some great techniques out there.

Very hard to discipline kids, my mate told me this one, you know the

alarm sensor that turns red when everyone moves the alarm one. What

you want to do is tell them that's Santa Claus watching them! It works

all year round! Who has used that, come on, be honest. There you go a

few of them have used it, some are looking at me thinking tell me more

Sensai. It works in my house for a few months, and then I found them at

home showing it the Argos catalogue with the toy section open. It is so

hard to discipline children, the reason it is hard to discipline your

kids is their world is so small that little problems seem massive to

them. We can't compute that because we have so many things going on. I

was driving a few weeks back, I was on the motorway going 70 miles an

hour to my nana, I have the twins in the back. Then my daughter it's like

stop the car, stop the car daddy, and I'm like I can't I'm going 70

miles an hour, and she's like daddy, daddy, please stop the car, I'm

going too fast, I can't. Daddy stop the car, I'm trying to pull over

now. Daddy stop the car, I get on the hard shoulder and put on the

brake, I said what's the problem. She says THERE'S A LEAF ON MY SHOE!

We just nearly killed 40 people there sweetheart! It is hard. You

know about the naughty step, that doesn't work for me. I have a

two-year-old as well as the two five-year-olds. She is amazing,

people think she's brilliant, I think she's a bit odd to be honest

with you. Two is a difficult age. Two years old you think they could

be anything, a brain surgeon, could be a psychopath, no way of telling.

Equally as proud as long as they try their best! Two years old is very

difficult. I think she is a bit odd. She has weird things, she has not

cried for about eight months. Isn't that weird? It is weird, isn't it.

She is two, she should be crying every five minutes. She doesn't cry,

and everyone else is like isn't she dead good she never cries, and I say

don't leave me in the room with her. She has a touch of the Damiens about

her! The other two pick on her, they have nasty techniques kids. You know

the pinch and twist! Within they grab that bit of chubby arm, pinch

it and twist it. Even if two blokes fighting in a pub car park and they

did that, you would be like that is a bit low! They did the pinch and

twist, she did this haah, haah, haah. : --... Everyone else is going

isn't she good, I think she might kill us in our sleep! I think she

might! She waited two days for revenge, two days for revenge, she

wantered into the room, she saw the other two by themselves. She said

are you watching Peppa Pig, she took them both out like a sniper, and

wandered over to the naughty step and sat on it by herself! She sat on

the naughty step by herself! Just sat there like that, it was worth

it, it was worth it! Folks that's all from me, have a lovely

Christmas. And happy new year. Fantastic, obviously what is

happening now we are into the bit where we are well into Christmas.

It's all happening, and this country changes at Christmas time, anyone in

here who has kids who sends them to school will know that being a kid is

not like it used to be now. They can't play conkers in school now,

because of health and safety. Anyone goes out on roller skates needs to

get pads on their elbows and the knees and wear a helmet because of

health and safety. December comes, every town centres thinks, you know

what, let's have an ice rink. A bleeding ice rink everywhere. When

did we become ice-skaters, there is people falling on their arse all

over the country at Christmas. And I noticed it as well, you have it in

London, I went down on the South Bank last night and there is a loads

of people in sheds selling shit! It is basically people in wooden sheds

selling shit, and because it is Christmas you are buying. It is

people in sheds, you would never go to someone in a shed, any other time

of the year and go have you got any shit you want to sell! That's good,

a wooden glockenspiel, that's what you do! Manchester has reportedly

got the biggest German market in Britain. Where did the idea of a

German market come from? Whose idea was it, because when you go to these

German markets there is no Germans there, there is just fells law from

Wigan -- fellas from Wigan trying to sell you sasauges. I love the fact

that if there is a German market in Manchester, it must mean there is a

Manc market in Germany, that must be fantastic, in Stuttgart there is a

lot of Mancs going do you want sock, not even pair, just socks. Are you

ready for the next act! You are going to enjoy the next person,

recently crowned the funnyiest female in the country, and you will

see why. Please welcome to the stage the fabulous Nina Conte!

Hello everybody. Thank you very much. So I'm a ventriloquist, I like

to get that out of the way. I was triumphing some renovations --

having some renovations on the house for Christmas. I had a wonderful

builder who came around and do wonderful things to the house, he

was lovely and flirtatious, I missed him when he left and I turned him

into a puppet. He's in the bag, I made him myself. Come on out and say

hello. So, let's introduce you, you're from Poland? Somewhere like

that. Don't make it difficult for yourself. Let's say I come from the

mountains. From the mountains how lovely. Run away with me Nina. I

can't I'm married? What a small detail! And I have children? I will

give you more! I haven't time? I work very fast. I can't, I'm sorry,

it's not going to happen? This is very strange. What's strange? She

chats herself up! Then she turns herself down! I know. I will never

understand women? It's not you it is me? I am you. I'm so sorry, I don't

understand it, I feel like I'm doing all the work with you? It is true.

You need help with the puppetry. I need help with the puppetry? Yes you

need nice strong man to help you with it. You see somebody? Not yet,

I'm looking for someone. They are looking away from you! Who will it

be, gosh I wish I could see? Slim pickings tonight Nina. This guy,

this guy. With the black V-neck. What's your name? Jacques. Come and

join us. Thank you. Have you done any puppetry before? Not in so many

words. No. If you could help me, what is the idea? I would like you

to step into the trousers, I will bend over so you can enter me! This

is good yes, you are doing well, how do you feel? I'm feeling pleasure.

You really jumped in, can you do the arms? What is going on here.

Pinocchio eat your bloody heart out! This is fantastic. Can I walk. Why

have I got fingers growing out my elbow! Help me Nina! Guide him in

Nina, he's a big one! My arms are broken look at this. Why am I like

this. Don't worry, you take what you've got? Very nice. I guess you

can gesture now when you talk? Yes I can. Run away with me Nina, to the

mountains. Brilliant! And I shall make a fire for us. Like this.

That's nice. What is it? I don't know! Plus people rub sticks

together, not me. I fiddle around I rub my wrists together. So you have

started a fire? I don't know! Yes I start it, I blowen to. So the fire

is going. And then I shall kill a rabbit like this. That's how you

kill a rabbit. I kill a rabbit like this! Is he dead? Not yet, he's just

confused. I stamp on him and soon he will lose the will to live. I fiddle

with it. What are you doing? I flatten him, I shake him. Why? I'm

very confused! So he's there now? Yes I put him on the fire for us. To

eat later! So that's dinner? While he cooks we dance. With Nina. I

can't reach your arm. That's very nice, it is nice to dance with you.

Pay no attention to the head behind my head. I'm going to have it

removed. So now what? When the time is right, I shall show you my

press-ups. What do you mean? Do press-ups backous. Jacques. On Nina,

on Nina. Thank you, thank you. Stop it. Don't listen to her. I love you

kiss me! You were fantastic thank you very much. Thank you very much.

Thank you everybody. Have a very happy Christmas. Good night! Good

night! Are you all right? I feel like a used prophylactic.

Hey, I tell you what, what a night out you are having. Who have you

come with? My wife! Your wife! You're going to be having a chat at

home. I tell you what, there was a bit there I saw the screen that

there were people who will turn this programme on not from the beginning,

and when they look, there is part where you look like you were

Twerking with the Polish builder. Where are you from? Frankfurt. Hence

the whole sausage thing going on. Well done and what I will say, thank

you for your markets! I can genuinely say, when you walked on

the stage, every man in her went not bad. And when everyone saw what was

happening in the end, everyone man went why wasn't it me! I have to say

it is a time there that we all have to start thinking about other people

and obviously I do a lot of work for charity, there is a lot of the acts

do. At this time of year you get asked to do things. I did a charity

act last week. One thing I will say, when you do any charity function you

have always got to remember not everybody is there for a gig! Not

every joke is funny. I stood on this little stage, I was doing a function

for child traffics, it was a small charity, I stood up and said look

I'm really pleased to be here because I think child trafficking is

a serious problem. I have been stuck in traffic with children...

LINEBREAK APPLAUSE And I have to be honest with you

they do your bleeden head in. If I had known this charity had

existed I wouldn't have left them on the M 6. Welcome to the stage, one

of the finest jokesmith this country has produced, please welcome Tim

Vine. Merry Christmas everybody. Merry

Christmas. I have done a bit of last-minute shopping, I'm not sure I

got such a good deal on the night vision goggles! Do you know I love

Christmas, I live in an advent calendar. It is freezing at the

moment because all the windows are open! Someone left a huge pile of

mass seen in my dressing room, I don't know what to make of it! I had

a friend taking the mickey out of me for having a pay as you go phone, so

eventually I took out a contract, and I had him killed! I have a lot

to get through! I said to this bloke, I said me and some friends

have just been talking about you, he said you disgust me? And I said, yes

we did! Christmas is all about family, you know, the first thing my

mum said to me when I was born, she said, ahhh, I was expecting you. I

looked outside the window and I saw my dad slumped over the lawnmower

crying his eyes out, I said what's up with him, she said he's just

going through a rough patch! You see I've got a chicken-proof lawn, it's

im-peck-able. Only two people clapped that one! This chicken came

up to me and said I can't mind my eggs he said you have probably

mis-laid them. Still two but they are moving around the room. My dad's

sister walked into the room spinning around in circles and I thought, oh

my giddy aunt! Burglars are getting very clever, I was in bed last

night, my wife woke me up and said I think there's a burglar downstairs

can you check. I went downstairs and looked in every room and there was

nobody there. Suddenly I remembered, I haven't got a wife! That's all

from me, good night! Ladies and gentlemen Tim Vine. I

have got a real treat for you now. A young man who I met a couple of

years ago playing football, he was in a park he had no friends i

decided to befriend him! It is one of the best things I have ever done.

If anyone this year is looking to do one of those charity things where

you adopt a child, that is what I did. I adopted a small boy in Essex,

and he became an international popstar, ladies and gentlemen please

welcome to the stage the fabulous Olly purse. -- Murs.

# Come on come on # I'm right I'm wrong

# When I'm wrong I say # We always have the good and bad

# That will never change # This is the closest

# I've ever been oh yeah # We give we take

# We mend we break # So the cycle goes

# We're doing well # We've been through hell

# Only heaven knows # How far we get to

# Thank God I met you though # And if you don't know

# Just put your hand on my heart # And put your hand on my heart

# And I don't have to say it # And I don't have to think it

# Just put your hand on my heart # Put your hand on my heart

# You'll know # Come on come on

# Because you're the one # That I want for myself

# The strength you give # I want to live

# Inside our little shell # Nothing comes close to

# Nothing's supposed to yeah # Because you have your doubts

# The same way I do # When you're sitting in my love

# That's the truth # Just put your hand on my heart

# And I don't have to say it # And I don't have to think it

# Just put your hand on my heart # Put your hand hand on my heart

# And you'll know # When you don't feel that you're

strong enough # To make it

# When life treats you hard # You don't feel you can take it

# When you don't know where to stand # You're close to breaking

# Just put your hand on my heart # Put your hand on my heart

# And I don't have to say it # And I don't have to fake it

# Just put your hand on my heart # Put your hand on my heart

# You know # Put your hand on my heart

# And I don't have to say it # And I don't have to think it

# Just put your hand on my heart # Just put your hand on my arse and

you'll know! Ladies and gentlemen what can I say

Olly Murs. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the stage the

fabulous David oh All right then people, this is it,

this is the final gig, I have this year. It is nice to be doing it

here, in London. I come to London quite a bit. I mostly come here to

do my graffiti. You will know my tag, I do two parallel lines beside

the path! Joke 1. How do you contact dead single ladies, you have a

se-onyce. That is the best joke I have written this year, if you

didn't like the joke you are in for a long six hours. This is a huge gig

for me, this is the oldest I have ever been doing anything! I became

37 this year, it's fine, it is a good age. I was 36 first time I was

the same age I was as my waist. Let's hope that never happens again.

35 is the age you have to look out for. 35-year-old men are the

sleaziest and the wrong-uns. Most of the bad stuff in mankind was done by

35-year-old men. Hitler, let's not forget was 35... For a while. You

have to watch them. If you are in a nightclub and there is a guidancing

on his own, that's fine, then word gets out he's 35, immediately it

becomes look it's disgusting, look where his hands are, cover your

drinks! If word gets out he's 37 and still dancing, "legend", double

legend. All right then, let's do this thing. This song is called

life. # Life, life

# Livy livy life # Life, life, life

# Life # No

# Oh no actually it's OK # Oh no it's not

# Oh God no you're not # No ahhhh

# No ahhh # Then you die

# Life is a marathon # Not a sprint

# But it's a sort of marathon # That you have to sprint

# And there's hurdles and # Weights to lift

# And cycling # And Archie

# Life is basically the Olympics # But at the end you don't get a

medal # You die!

# Life what are you # Are you just the accumulation of

mobile phone chargers and reusable shopping bags

# Current total nine of one # Almost 40 of the other

# I will never need that many shopping bags

# In my entire life # Now they are all stewed

# In one cupboard and they all avalanche on top of me

# Leading to situation where they could suffocate me

# How ironic to be killed by a "bag for life"

# Life is like going out from Amelie from the movie Amelie

# On the surface it should be satisfying but it is annoying

# Did you sort out the direct debit # For the Internet

# No, because I took the piece of paper

# Made a boat and put it on the river

# It floated awhich # She's really annoying

# Life is hard # It is not said RAUFRN enough.

There is no songs about how hard life is like, I'm Walking On Sun

Shine, all songs should have a reference to how hard life is should

be the same # Happy birthday to you

# Uhhhh # Age ain't nothing but a number

# But it is also an accurate # Barometer to how old you are

# There is brilliant bits # Where you see someone you haven't

seen for a while # Or you get drunk unexpectedly

# Or Christmas # You go for a cycle with the wind

behind # Or watch an amazing piece of

television # Or come to an incredible gig

# You go back outside again # And find someone set your bike on

fire # That happened to me recently

# That is not a metaphor # It happened to me this year

# Why would you set my bike on fire # How do you even set a bike on fire

# And it was raining! # Oh-oh Dublin

# Somewhere over the rainbow # I bet life is just exactly as hard

as it is # On this side of the rainbow

# On that side # You can't even see the rainbow

# It is an optical illusion # Caused by water

# Maybe it is more homophobic on the other side

# Of the rainbow # Let's stay on this side

# Let's all of us #2014

# Let's just have a really nice time!

The fabulous David O' Doherty. When the BBC were talking to me about

putting this show together. And they wanted to recreate that big feel we

used to get at Christmas, I said, yes, and this has nothing to do with

wanting to entertain the nation, this is to do with living out a

fantasy that I had. When I was about 12 and I was watching the telly, and

Morecambe and Wise came on and the Tiller Girls came on, with the

feather dancers and Angela Rippon danced with him, I thought if there

was ever a chance in my life and I can have my own troupe of Tillers,

that is not an easy thing do. I have been to Amsterdam, there is not as

many girls there with feather as you might think. For your enjoyment

tonight, please welcome back to the stage the fabulous Tiller Girls.

# All I want for Christmas. # Is you

# I don't want a lot more Christmas there is just one thing I need

# I don't care about the presents # Underneath the Christmas tree

# I don't need to hang my stocking # Upon the fireplace

# Santa Claus # Won't make me happy

# Leaving a toy on Christmas Day # I just want you for my own

# More than you could ever know # Make my wish come true

# All I want for Christmas #

I have to be honest, I was supposed to go off then, but I had to stay

and watch. I have been watching you and I watched you in rehearsals, I

would love a go. Can I have a go of your feathers love. You have your

own! Don't get carried away, we genuinely haven't rehearsed this.

Perfect. There you go. Oh look, you have all styled yourselves on Boris

Johnson, very nice! OK. So we go up with the right. And flip is under

the chin! Gorgeous. Take that one all the w round in a big circle.

Perfect. That's the second move, the third move. Is this the turkey! It

is now. Third move, up with the right up with the left, and a big

fan rainbow! Hey you don't get this in Germany do you, stick your

marketses up your arse claim --! Are we doing something. Join us. Right

OK! All I want for Chris

# Is You # I don't want a lot for Christmas

# There is just one thing I need # And I don't care about the

presents # Underneath the Christmas tree

# I just need to hang my stocking # Upon the fireplace

# Santa Claus can't make me happy # Leaving a toy under the Christmas

tree # I just want to have you for my own

# More than you could know # Make my wish come true

# All I want for Christmas is you Angela Rippon, eat your heart out!

What do you think you're doing! I was dancing? Come on John, everybody

knows that's my Christmas party trick. Well I was... Tell you what,

if you are going to start invading my territory, I'm going to nick a

bit of yours! Ladies and gentlemen, it is now time for me to introduce a

proper geezer, he's actually one of my favourite comic, me and this lad

we have worked the circuit for years. And's just another

working-class lad done-good. Although as a Scouser I can't

actually understand a word he's saying, so will you please welcome,

ladies and gentlemen, Lee Nelson. All right tonight people? Yes. I

don't want to intimidate any of the fellas here. But I once lasted with

a girl for an hour and three minutes! Yeah! It was cheating a

little bit, it was the night the clubs went back! -- clocks went

back. Good to be here tonight, man, lovely to see such a mixed bunch of

people, man. We have the younger generation, we have the older

generation, legends over here. Let's say hello to an older generation

legend. How are you doing geezer. Hello geezer, can I ask how old is

you? Sorry? How old are you? Can you remember! ? What's that? 57. 57...

You might be able to get away with that on-line! I have got a lot of

respect for the older generation, I think older generation sort of care

more about society in a lot of ways. They contribute more, they do more

things. Sort of I, I don't know, vote or something... Do you vote,

are you the sort of geezer that votes? Yes. Older generation legend.

Can I ask who you voted for? Tories. Tories, Tories... I'm talking about

the X Factor c! What an idiot! Who else had a have we got in the house

tonight. I bet we have all sorts of people. Northern legends give us a

cheer. Love it, I love the banter that we have the north-south banter,

it is a giggle. That is what makes the UK great, we have a sense of

humour, we don't take ourselves too seriously. The true things is what

you think about a city depends on whether you live in that city. That

is the truth of the matter. Everyone who don't live in Birmingham what do

we say about Birmingham, we say Birmingham is... Shit. People who

live in Birmingham say Birmingham is... ..-h-i-t-e! People moan,

people moan about the UK, but this is the best place, innit. This is

the best place, we should be well happy we is living. Couple of lads

over there look at them lads over there. Are you born in the UK geze?

Yeah. A night out in this country, you are born in this country, you go

out innit. You have ten pints, innit, a curry innit? Went to a

comedy night, loved t went out afterwards for a drink, your mate

Dave knocked into someone, spilled a drink, bit of a scrap, black eye,

giggles. Let's say you were born in America, how different your night be

innit? You go out, you would have one pint! Ten curries! Went to a

comedy night, didn't get it! APPLAUSE

Go out for a drink afterwards, your mate Todd, knocks into someone,

spills their milkshake, and they shoot him in the face! Americans,

they have got a gun problem. We have Yankees in the house tonight, give

us a cheer tonight Americans. Give us a little wave. Over there

sweetiepie. Abouts in America are you from, do you know? You lot have

a gun problem innit? They have got a gun problem, the Americans don't

realise, they don't understand the link between lots and lots of people

having guns and lots and lots of people getting shot! How can we

explain it to her! ? All right, if I was to give you a mobile telephone,

do you think you would be more or less likely to make a telephone

call! ? She still hasn't got it! I like America, I have an American

uncle, well, he's English but he is well fat! To be fair to the

Americans, Canadians have got just as many guns as the Americans. But

Canadians don't kill nearly as many people. Now my fear is, Justin

Bieber is Canadian and they are all saving their ammo! People, I have to

get going man, I have to get back to my little boy. He's in the car! You

have been massive bunch of legends thank you. Lee Nelson, it is not

often I get a chance to impress my teenage kids as a dad. I take them

to see Liverpool, they say, it is just a football game. I wrote an

autobiography and included them in it. One of my sons said an

autobiography is just a "selfie" with words. But when I told them who

the next act was, it was the first time ever they said dad, we have to

come to the gig. Ladies and gentlemen with one of the biggest

hits of the year, please welcome to the stage, the fabulous Ellie

Goulding. # We don't have to worry about

nothing # Because we got the fire

# And we're burning one hell of a something

# They # They're gonna see us from outer

space # Outer space light up

# Like we're the stars of the human race

# Human race # When the lights going down

# They don't know what they heard # And giving love to the world

# We 'll be raising our hands # Shouting up to the sky

# Because we got the fire, fire, fire

# Yeah we got the fire, fire, fire # And we're gonna let it burn, burn,

burn # We're gonna let it burn, burn,

burn # We're gonna let it burn, burn,

burn # We're gonna let it...

# We don't know # We just want to be right now

# Right here # And while we see

# Is everybody's on the floor # Getting it the music

# I'm waking up # We start the fire

# And we're burning up # It's over now

# We got the light # When the light's going down

# They don't know where what we see # Playing it down

# Giving love to the world # Where he We 'll be raising our

hands # Shouting up to the fire

# Because we got the # Fire, fire, fire

# And we're gonna let it # Burn, burn, burn

# We're gonna let it burn, burn, burn

# We're gonna let it # When it the lights going down

# We don't know what thank we're there

# Giving love to the world # And we're gonna let it burn

# We can light up, up, up # So they can put it out, out, out

# We can light it up, up, up # Yeah

# When the light's going down # They don't know what they heard

# Giving love to the world # We 'll be raising our hands

# Shining up to the sky # Because we got the fire, fire,

fire # We got the

# Fire, fire, fire # And we're gonna let it burn, burn,

burn # We're gonna let it burn, burn,

burn member when --

# When the light's going down # They don't know what they heard

# Giving love to the world LINEBREAK # We 'll be raising our hands

# Shining up to the sky # Because we got the fire, fire,

fire # Yeah we got the fire, fire, fire

# We're gonna let it burn APPLAUSE Please welcome back one of the best

one-liners this country has ever produced, Tim Vine!

I would like to start with a quick impression! (Laughs) that's Santa

Claus in his early 20s. But I love playing games at Christmas, the

other day I ate a chess set, I took it back to the shop it was horrible,

I said it is stalemate. He said are you sure, I said check mate! A bloke

came up to me and said I just spilt my scrabble set on the road, I said

what's the word on the street. He said I can't think of a another word

for stitch and I said is that sew! He began throwing words that began

with "th" I managed to dodge this, there, then but I didn't see that

coming. Blind man's bluff is when you find someone who is blind and

then you polish them! I got a new job, helping out a one-armed typist,

whenever she wants to do capital letters. It is shift work! So I was

working in health food shop, this bloke won't in and said evening

primrose oil, and I said Mr Vine to you! He said soya chunks? I said you

shouldn't have been looking! This farmer came up to me and said I have

68 sheep can you round them up for me, I said, sure, 70! I said to this

bloke, I said I just got a job in this windscreen wiper factory, he

said do you enjoy t and said mhmmmhmm. Merry Christmas to you

all. No Christmas show would be complete

without a Christmas song. Welcome back to the stage Olly Murs.

# When the snowman brings the snow # Well he might just like to know

# He's put a great big smile # On somebody's face

# And if you jump into your bed # Quickly cover up your head

# Don't you light the doors # You know that sweet Santa Claus is

on his way # Well I wish it could be Christmas

every day # When the kids start singing

# And the band begins to play # Oh I wish it could be Christmas

every day # So let the bells ring out

# For Christmas # Ladies and gentlemen welcome back

Thank you, you were a pleasure for me, please thank you for coming, but

please welcome back all the comedians that you saw tonight.

Ellie Goulding, the Overtone, the Tiller Girls, and of course Olly

Murs. # I wish it to be Christmas every

day # When the kids start singing

# And the band begins to play # Oh I wish it could be

# Christmas every day # So let the bells

# Ring out for Christmas # Well I wish it could be Christmas

# Every day # When the kids start singing

# And the band begins to play # Well I wish it could be a

Christmas # Every day

# So let the bells # Ring out for Christmas

# Why don't you give # Your love

# For Christmas