2015 John Bishop's Christmas Show

# Just hear those sleigh bells jingling

# Ring ting tingling too

# Come on, it's lovely weather

# For a sleigh ride together with you

# Outside the snow is falling and friends are calling "Yoo hoo"

-# Come on, it's lovely weather

-Kylie!

-# For a sleigh ride together with you

-Kylie!

-Hi, John.

# Giddy up, giddy up, giddy up let's go

Oh, thank you.

-# Let's look at the show

-Call me!

# We're riding in a wonderland of snow

# Giddy up, giddy up, giddy up it's grand

# Just holding your hand

# We're gliding along with a song of a wintry fairy land

# Our cheeks are nice and rosy

# And comfy cosy are we

# We're snuggled up together like birds of a feather would be

# Let's take the road before us and sing a chorus or two

# Come on, it's lovely weather for a sleigh ride together with you

# Let's take the road before us and sing a chorus or two

# Come on, it's lovely weather for a sleigh ride together with you

# Come on, it's lovely weather for a sleigh ride together with you. #

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

# Giddy up, giddy up, giddy up let's go

# Let's look at the show

# We're riding in a wonderland of snow

# Giddy up, giddy up, giddy up It's grand

# Just holding your hand

# We're riding along with a song of a wintry fairy land

# Our cheeks are nice and rosy and comfy cosy are we

# We're snuggled up together like birds of a feather would be

# Let's take the road before us and sing a chorus or two

# Come on, it's lovely weather for a sleigh ride together with you. #

Hey!

Merry Christmas, everyone!

Welcome to the show!

# Our cheeks are nice and rosy and comfy cosy are we. #

Please, put your hands together for the John Bishop Dancers!

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

How are you?

CHEERING

Welcome to the show.

Thank you for coming.

Thank you for coming. It's Christmas!

Are you excited?

AUDIENCE: Yes!

Well, I am.

I am, cos this year has been a massive year for me.

It's one of those times, Christmas, isn't it,

when you step back and you go, "What did I do this year?

"What changed this year? Is my life better this year?"

And this year I did something huge.

This year I renewed my wedding vows.

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

Yeah. I know. I know.

Every lady in the room just went, "Aw."

And every man just went, "Nob!"

No, I did, I did. I renewed me wedding vows cos I've been married...

I've been married to Melanie now for 23 years on and off.

No, I did cos I've been married to Melanie now for 23 years.

We've been together for about 26, 27 and, looking around this room,

there'll be people in this room who have been in a long-term

relationship and you'll know what I know.

After 20-odd years with somebody,

there is that moment where you both stop

and look at each other in the eyes and go...

JOHN SIGHS

JOHN SIGHS

Well, you want to carry on, then, or what?

That's basically...

We've reached that point where I said,

"Well, you know what we should do? We should renew our wedding vows."

So we went, we went...

-AUDIENCE MEMBER:

-Aw.

-I know. I know.

We went to Sweden to the Ice... Yes.

That's it. Got a few quid now.

We went to Sweden to this place called the Ice Hotel,

which is a hotel

made of ice.

And it is. And every year they build it out the frozen lake.

And they build this hotel and we went there

and next to the hotel they've got a chapel

that also they build out of ice.

And we went there, just the two of us,

and there was a bloke there with a coat on.

I don't know if he was a priest, but he did the job anyway.

That was great.

And then we come outside and I said, "You know what we're going to do?

"We're going do something really, really special.

"Something that we've both wanted to do all of our lives.

"Something ultimately romantic."

We got a dog sled ride.

And we rode it across a frozen lake,

so that we could go to the forest and see the Northern Lights.

AUDIENCE: Ah!

Again, all the women are going, "Aw."

And all the fellas are going, "Nob."

But we did, cos it's something we've always wanted to do.

And I'll tell you what.

It sometimes shows. You know when you plan something?

You shouldn't plan it too much.

You've got to be careful what you wish for because for us it was romantic.

We sat in the sled. We got skins put on us

and then a Swedish man got on the sled behind us

and there was 12 dogs in front of us.

And then he went, "Higga!"

Or words to that effect.

He went, "Higga," and then these dogs started running across

the frozen lake and, as we're going through the still of the night,

with stars everywhere around us,

one thing they don't tell you

is that the dogs don't know when they're going to work.

So they've not always been the loo

before they start running.

And when there's 12 of them and one of them wants to go to the toilet,

the other 11 aren't going to stop.

There's nothing kills a romantic moment

like trying to dodge flying dog poo!

Cos you sit there like that.

We sat there like that and, honest to God,

this dog poo's coming towards us. We're like that.

And because we've only just renewed our vows,

we were actually looking after each other

cos I know if it hadn't had been after we renewed our vows,

she would have put me in front and hid behind me.

And it was. So we're going through this forest with all this dog poo

flying around and it just shows you how middle class I've become,

cos there's all the dog poo flying around, all I was thinking is,

"Is anyone going to pick that up?"

Are you ready for your first act?

AUDIENCE: Yes!

It gives me enormous pleasure to bring this lady to the stage.

I was around the comedy circuit in the North West

when she started and it was clear, right from the beginning,

she was going to be one of the biggest comedy stars in Britain.

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the stage the unmistakable

and brilliant Sarah Millican.

Ah.

Hello.

Aw. Thank you very much.

-WOLF WHISTLE

-Oh, me Dad's in!

Thank you very much.

It's lovely to be here. I'm excited for Christmas.

This year, just my husband and I at home.

It's going to be really nice, I think, just the two of us.

We recently moved to the countryside,

having lived in the city centre for quite a long time.

We moved to the countryside, but there are three things that

freak me out about living in the countryside.

The first thing... Now, you know pheasants?

You know pheasants? Pheasants.

I don't know if you know, but there's two makes of pheasant.

There's the one that we all know,

and there's another one that is upright

and running around and alive.

Second thing that freaks me out about living in the countryside.

I can't always tell if it's an owl hooting or my husband's asthma.

I woke him up the other night cos I thought I could hear an owl

and as soon as I woke him up it stopped.

Hee-hoo. Hee-hoo. Hee-hoo.

And the third thing that freaks me out about living in the countryside

is I sometimes forget that the television is reflected

in the conservatory

and I think Eamonn Holmes is in the garden.

He's a perfectly nice man but he was not bloody invited!

We've got a dog that's quite a recent addition.

We've had him about eight months and he's very sweet.

We got some dog books cos we thought

we should probably learn about dogs, having never had a dog before.

But the dog books don't tell you everything, do they?

No, you have to learn some things yourself.

One of the things I learnt myself was... Like, I knew that when he did

a poo I'd have to pick it up and bag it. You know, and put it in the bin.

I knew that cos I live in the world. I know how the world works.

I also knew that when I picked it up it would smell. It's a shit.

I'm not a bloody idiot.

But what I was not prepared for was the heat.

And it was a mixed emotion for me

because half of me is dry retching at the warmth in my hand

and the other half is reminded, well, it's like

when you get a pasty that's just right from Greggs.

Another thing I didn't learn from a dog book is that when you

walk the dog and you've got a full poo bag -

you haven't found a bin yet -

you should always keep that in the same hand as the dog lead.

Always. You should always have a spare hand.

I learnt this the hard way.

Was walking the dog. I had a full poo bag in one hand, the dog lead in

the other hand,

and then my glasses started to slide down me nose.

Nobody needs a turd to clonk off their cheek, do they?

No. No.

Well, we've been together, even though we've only been married for two years,

we've been together for ten and I think...

I think things are different when you're in a long-term relationship.

I think that, you know the chat that you have before the sex?

You know the chat?

The chat?

Sometimes during the sex.

Never at the end. Never at the end.

Just night-night. That's it.

I think if you've been together a long time that chat should

come with terms and conditions.

So if you say something like,

"You can do whatever you want to me,"

what you really mean is, "Of the four things we normally do."

Or, "Within the parameters we've already set."

But we mostly agree on things, my husband and I.

Every now and again we have a disagreement and I think that's perfectly normal.

I think that's absolutely fine.

One of the things we've disagreed on recently is, I've a new theory.

I have a theory that men retain different information to women.

I think the information that men retain is what I would call

useless.

And the information that women retain is what I would call useful.

Now, I've devised a short quiz that I put my husband through

and I'm going to talk you through it now.

I've kept my notebook in my bra, so if you bear with us a second.

This is all glamorous, isn't it?

Hold on a minute. No, that's a Hobnob.

There we go, I've got it. Got it.

It's a little bit sweaty.

So, there are two rounds to the quiz,

the Useless Round followed by the Useful Round.

If you do know any of the answers to the questions, please join in. We'll have a bit of fun.

So, the first one, just three questions in each.

The first one, the Useless Round. Number one.

Who was the manager of Aston Villa in 2005?

Does anybody know the answer to that?

It was David O'Leary. My husband got it correct. Well done, him.

Number two. How far did the Dow Jones fall

on the 19th October, 1987?

Anybody know?

My husband said it was 508 points and he got it exactly right.

Two to him.

Number three, the final question in the Useless Round.

Name the female doctor in Star Trek, Next Generation, Series One.

Does anybody know? Somebody... Exactly right.

Somebody over there said Beverly Crusher.

Well done, it was Beverly Crusher.

Excellent. Yes, you can clap. Well done. You got one.

APPLAUSE

Now we move on to the Useful Round.

Which one is the tumble drier?

My husband said, "The white one."

I said, "They're all bloody white."

Number two. How do you know when it's time

to throw your underpants away?

My husband said it was a trick question

because you never throw underpants away.

I said, "The correct answer is, when the elasticity is such that it

"looks like you're wearing a gym skirt."

And the third and final question in the Useful Round.

How much praise should you get for unblocking a toilet

that you yourself blocked?

And the answer is none.

Absolutely bloody none.

You've been lovely. Thank you very much for having me.

Goodnight, everybody.

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

Ladies and gentlemen, Sarah Millican!

Fantastic.

Brilliant.

Right.

Ladies and gentlemen, this is a real Christmas treat.

It's not often you get an opportunity to bring on what

is essentially a global superstar.

Here, singing the Christmas classic, 2,000 Miles,

from her brand-new album,

Kylie Christmas,

please welcome the one and only Kylie Minogue.

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

# He's gone

# 2,000 miles

# It's very far

# The snow is falling down

# Gets colder day by day

# I miss you

# The children will sing

# He'll be back at Christmas time

# In these frozen and silent nights

# Sometimes in a dream

# You appear

# Outside under the purple sky

# Diamonds in the snow

# Sparkle

# Our hearts were singing

# It felt like Christmas time

# 2,000 miles

# Is very far through the snow

# I'll think of you

# Wherever you go

# He's gone

# 2,000 miles

# It's very far

# I can hear people singing

# It must be Christmas time

# I can hear people singing

# It must be Christmas time. #

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

Thank you very much.

I could barely concentrate looking out at all these Santas.

Kylie Minogue!

Thank you.

Ladies and gentlemen, Kylie Minogue.

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

And if you're very lucky...

If you're very, very lucky

we might be seeing a little bit more of Kylie later.

It is Christmas. Christmas is that special time of the year.

It's that time of the year when you look to

get family together, to buy kids presents.

We don't have that any more.

We've got big kids now.

Kids are too old.

And the problem is, as a parent,

it's very difficult to know what to do.

It's very difficult to know how to give them presents,

particularly, like, the oldest one. I mean, he's a man.

He's got a beard!

I've got a... I've got a man living in my house.

I actually own a bloke.

I've got a bloke living in my house, who doesn't look enough like me

for me to feel comfortable, to be honest.

And I've got to try and buy him a Christmas present.

You can't buy... How do you buy another man

a Christmas present, who looks a little bit like you?

It's weird. I don't like it.

So, what I've been doing is I've been trying to buy him

special things, you know, like presents that are experiences.

You know, like, you get these things where you can have a day

driving a race car, or you can have a day parachuting.

I said to him, "Is there an experience that you want?"

He said, "I've always wanted to see wild whales."

So I took him for a weekend to Rhyl.

I am so pleased you're clapping that.

I am so pleased you're clapping that!

Cos I know that's a slightly rubbish joke.

I know that.

And the producer said to me, "You can't put that joke in."

I said, "I'm going to put it in." I love that joke.

Cos as a comedian what happens is, you have jokes sometimes

and you just love them, even though you shouldn't love them.

The only way I can describe it,

it's like having an ugly baby.

You know when you've got an ugly baby and you love it

and everyone looks at it and goes, "You still loving that baby?"

Cos no-one will say it to you.

Everyone comes up and goes, "Oh, you've got a baby? Oh, oh...

"Oh, well, well done.

"So at least YOU love it."

See, and I can say that.

I can say that on the BBC.

I can take the mickey out of ugly babies cos it's the last

thing on the BBC that anyone will complain about.

No-one's going to write a complaint in and go, "I was watching

"the John Bishop Christmas Show,

"where he was poking fun at ugly babies.

"Me and my wife were both offended cos we've got an ugly baby.

"Photograph enclosed."

Ladies and gentlemen, are you ready for some more comedy?

AUDIENCE. Yes!

I'm going to bring an act onto the stage that I first met

when we were doing the Edinburgh Festival years ago.

He is an extremely funny man and I've got to be honest,

I'm so pleased to bring him on to the stage tonight

cos I've never seen him not make me laugh.

He is superb. Please welcome the wonderful Tom Allen.

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

Hi!

Hello, everyone, hello. Are you well?

AUDIENCE: Yes.

Oh, good. Well, it's so nice to be here.

And, er, I know what happens a lot of the time

when I walk out on stage, because I've seen it before, so don't worry.

Er, but what tends to happen when I walk out on stage,

and it tends to be with the, er, heterosexual men.

I don't mean to generalise, but what tends to happen when I walk

out on stage is they do one thing. They do this.

They fold their arms.

They fold their arms and then they go,

"Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no, I'm not sure about this bloke.

"Not sure about this bloke.

"He might try and have sex with me.

"He might try and recruit me."

And I always say, the truth of the matter is,

we are recruiting at the moment.

So if you sign up on the way out,

I get a £25 voucher in John Lewis.

It'll be so useful with Christmas coming up.

And, er, are you all excited about Christmas?

AUDIENCE: Yes!

Yes, of course you are.

I like Christmas. It's a very romantic time of year, isn't it?

I'm single. I know!

And I'm gay. Gay. I'm gay.

Well, I say I'm gay. I hardly find the time.

I mean, I'm a Gemini as well, but they don't get a parade.

Yes, I am gay. I am completely gay.

And, er, you know, a lot of my friends say to me,

"Oh, Tom, are you still getting up on stage talking about being gay?"

And I say, "Yeah. Yes, I am."

Even now. Even in 2015, I still do it because, even now,

after gigs people will still come up to me and they'll still say to me,

"Tom, I didn't know what homophobia was

"until I met you."

So I did something about a year ago,

which I know a lot of people do after Christmas. I did it as well.

I joined the gym. Anybody here joined the gym?

Yeah. Yeah. I like to join the gym.

I joined a gym called, er, Virgin Active

because there wasn't a Virgin Passive.

Or a Virgin Versatile, thank you.

And I like to go. It's quite an intimidating place

if you've never been to a gym before.

They have different sections. Like, one end, one end of the gym is what

they call the free weights section,

and that's where the weights have been freed.

They've been liberated.

And that is where I have NO business being.

Cos it's for the bigger boys.

And the bigger boys go there all day lifting things,

all day lifting these, all day, trying to get big arms,

trying to turn their arms into legs.

And, then, at the other end of the gym,

they've got a screened off section,

which is private, which you can't look behind.

It's very secret. It's very private.

Please don't look there. And that is the ladies' gym.

That is where the ladies go to put on their bonnets

and their crinoline and their bustles.

And they go there to jiggle without being looked at by

the serious men, like me.

And, then, in the middle, they have what's called the cardio section.

And it's called the cardio section cos that's where you go

to have a heart attack.

And I... I mean, I like going.

The real reason I joined the gym, though, was to go swimming

cos I like swimming. I always think swimming's a nice sport, isn't it? Swimming's nice

cos if it's competitive, it's not just a race, is it?

In swimming, it's not a race, is it?

It's a gala and they put up bunting and everyone wears a costume.

And I like it, but I can't do it competitively cos I can't dive.

And you can't start a swimming race by just jumping in.

You never see that at the Olympics, do you? Do you? Do you?

Get the bubbles out my shorts!

But, a lot of the time, I turn up to go swimming

and I can't get into the swimming pool because

they close it a lot for classes.

And the class that always seems to be on when I go there

is a thing called aqua-aerobics.

And I don't quite know how it works,

but it seems to be where a lot of slightly older,

slightly larger

ladies and some gentlemen go

and I don't quite know how it works,

but from upstairs in the gym, looking down,

it looks a lot like, erm...

..Hungry, Hungry Hippos.

And they're trying to stand up. They can't stand up.

They're doing their best. They're doing their best.

They're doing their best.

I shouldn't say that. I don't mean to be un, un, un...

No, I do, but...

I'm turning into a dreadful, bitchy gay stereotype,

but then, of course, you say "stereotype",

I say "career"!

But I have to go now because I'm

bored.

But I've had the most wonderful time talking to you

and I'm very grateful to John for having me here.

So, have a wonderful Christmas and I hope I see you again soon.

-My name's Tom Allen. Good night.

-CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

Brilliant. Absolutely stunning.

Ladies and gentlemen, Tom Allen!

See, have I told you any lies tonight?

I said he's coming on next, he's brilliant,

and every time they have been.

Please put your hands together once more for Tom Allen.

That was superb.

Now, I'm going to do something now

because I've found something

out recently with the youngest one in our house.

I can't remember his name now, but the youngest one.

I was talking to my youngest son. He's 17.

I said, "It'll be all right for you, lad. 17 now.

"You'll be going out. You know what I mean?

"With mistletoe.

"Snogging the girls."

He went, "What are you talking about?"

I said, "Mistletoe. Mistletoe.

"That's what you use at Christmas, isn't it, to snog..."

He said, "Dad, I'm on Tinder."

He had no conception of the beauty of mistletoe.

All you had to do was to wave a leaf over someone

and you could snog them.

And they couldn't say anything about it.

They had to snog you back cos it was law.

You need the magic of mistletoe, so I think it's time to bring it back.

CHEERS

So bring in the screen.

And this is what we've called "Mistletoe Cam".

Mistletoe Cam!

So...

Some of you have you guessed it.

Now, before we start with Mistletoe Cam,

if you're sat next to someone you shouldn't be sat next to...

..now's the time to move!

If someone's here with the secretary from work and has been telling

the wife, "I'm working late,"

now's the time to move.

Because what we are going to do is we're going to pick out

couples in the audience.

People that we think are couples or who the cameramen

think should be couples.

And when the Mistletoe Cam is on you,

you have all got to agree that if you're on the Mistletoe Cam,

you kiss.

Does everyone agree?

AUDIENCE: Yes!

OK, let's see who the first people are on Mistletoe Cam.

Where are these...? Yes!

We got a kiss!

We got a kiss! We got a kiss.

OK. Have we got two other people?

Oh!

Whoa! Aye, aye!

Whoa! Easy, tiger! Aye, aye.

You know what I mean, it's Mistletoe Cam, it's not Conception Cam!

Have we got another couple?

Go!

Ah.

It's you!

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

That was beautiful. That was beautiful.

Who says that older people don't love each other any more?

They do, they just don't recognise themselves!

OK.

We've got another couple on Mistletoe Cam.

JOHN LAUGHS

I didn't know that was coming up!

OK.

Are we ready for another couple on Mistletoe Cam?

OK, we've got one more couple.

CHEERS

Let's hear it! Let's hear it! Let's hear it!

Let's hear it. Listen.

Sh. Sh.

I wanted to do it New Year, but it's our anniversary today.

I do love you.

And, erm...

I suppose the easiest way of saying it...

Would you marry me?

Yes.

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

They're up there!

Oh, look at that.

He's just become the most romantic man in London.

I'm sorry, mate, I don't even know your name or your girlfriend's name.

-Oh, sorry, fiancee's name.

-Oh, God, yeah.

What's your name?

Well, my name's Joe.

And my, my fiancee...

Oh, my God!

Erm, my fiancee's name is Michelle.

Joe and Michelle!

Joe!

At the end of the show, someone will come and get you

and we'll bring you downstairs and you can come

and have a drink of champagne with us after cos that is...

I'm going to buy you some champagne. That is wonderful.

OK. Sorry, camera's just talking to my ear.

Camera.

So, is... There's supposed to be one more,

but obviously there isn't.

Ho, ho, ho. Happy Christmas.

It's Ian Rush, ladies and gentlemen!

Liverpool legend!

Kiss, kiss, kiss.

Ladies and gentlemen, Ian Rush!

What are you doing here?!

Great.

A legend. You cannot believe how much of my life

I've wanted to kiss Ian Rush.

Ladies and gentlemen. Brilliant, mate. Are you coming for a drink after?

-Yeah, I am, definitely.

-Oh, brilliant.

Joe's buying everyone drink.

Ladies and gentlemen, Ian Rush!

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

Ladies and gentlemen, please put your hands together for

all of the couples, particularly Joe and Michelle.

OK, you ready for some music?

AUDIENCE: Yes!

On every Christmas show we try to bring

an artist who has broke through.

The artist that we've got coming on next has had a massive year.

She's had five number one hits. She's won a Grammy

and she's here tonight singing one of the biggest songs of the year.

Please welcome

Jess Glynne!

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

# Standing in a crowded room and I can't see your face

# Put your arms around me tell me everything's OK

# In my mind I'm running round a cold and empty space

# Just put your arms around me tell me everything's OK

# Break my bones but you won't see me fall

# Oh Oh-oh-oh

# The rising tide will rise against them all

# Oh-oh

# Darling, hold my hand

# Oh, won't you hold my hand?

# Cos I don't want to walk on my own any more, won't you understand?

# Cos I don't wanna walk alone

# I'm ready for this

# There's no denying

# I'm ready for this

# You stop me falling

# I'm ready for this

# I need you all in

# I'm ready for this

# So darling hold my hand

# Soul is like a melting pot when you're not next to me

# Tell me that you've got me and you're never gonna leave... Sing!

# Trying to find a moment where I can find release

# Please tell me that you've got me and you're never gonna leave

# Darling, hold my hand

# Oh, won't you hold my hand?

# Cos I don't wanna walk on my own anymore, won't you understand?

# Cos I don't wanna walk alone

# I'm ready for this

# There's no denying

# I'm ready for this

# You stop me falling

# I'm ready for this

# I need you all in

# I'm ready for this

# So darling hold my hand

# Don't wanna know

# That feeling when I'm all alone

# So please don't make me wait

# Cos I don't wanna break

# No, I don't wanna fall

# Oh, yeah

# Won't you hold my hand?

# Cos I don't wanna walk on my own anymore, won't you understand?

# Cos I don't wanna walk alone

# I'm ready for this

# There's no denying

# I'm ready for this

# You stop me falling

# I'm ready for this

# I need you all in

# I'm ready for this, so darling won't you hold my hand? #

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

Thank you.

Ladies and gentlemen, Jess Glynne!

Brilliant. Brilliant.

Right. Time for some more comedy.

When we did the series this year we were looking to try and bring

people on the TV who were brilliant but not many people had seen them.

This guy was booked on my series. He absolutely ripped it,

cos he's one of the funniest fellas in Britain today.

Please welcome to the stage the unique,

Andy Askins!

MUSIC: Tubthumping by Chumbawamba

Good evening.

Can I just say, even if this goes horribly wrong this evening,

you will not wipe the smile off my face,

because my wife informed me this morning

she's expecting our first child.

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

To leave home soon.

He's only eight.

I wouldn't choose to do this.

Like, stood in front of people you don't know

and, like, bright lights. I wouldn't choose to do.

This isn't the most...

Not by a long way.

This isn't the most vulnerable I've ever felt.

The most vulnerable I ever felt

was the first time a girl stared at my erect penis.

And...

..I'll never forget.

We were playing badminton and...

..I just wanted to die. I just wanted to die.

I just, I just wanted to run off the court,

but she was winning 5-1

and I've always been a really competitive person.

So, I'm married.

Not happily, for comedy reasons.

Somebody said to me, "Sex gets better as you get older."

It doesn't.

It doesn't get better.

Last time me and my wife had sex the dog didn't even get off the bed!

That's the best thing about being married, having children.

It's just fantastic, especially at Christmas.

Cos it... Like, a lot of people seem to think having a child is

a God-given right, and it's not a God-given right.

It's the most...

My brother Christopher has been unable to have

children on account of the fact women find him repulsive.

My twin brother Chris.

But I love being a parent.

I love... Chris, he hates kids now.

He absolutely hates... Last summer he bought an ice cream van.

He just drives it round.

He never stops.

I don't play the guitar, by the way.

I don't play the guitar. I just found it makes me

look more interesting because

that beginning bit is really awkward.

And one of my friends said,

"Why don't you wear a guitar, like give the audience some hope."

And...

I think Christmas is a time of love and understanding,

and with that in mind, I'd like to do a little song.

I do play the guitar. I'm a compulsive liar.

No, I'm not.

Straight in.

Never lose a momentum.

# He said please don't cry my darling

# This isn't what you think

# Sit down and take a seat, my love

# I'll fix us both a drink

# In two weeks' time it's Christmas

# The lingerie's a surprise

# Red's your favourite colour

# I just tried it on to check the size

# Please believe me, darling

# These high heels, they're not mine

# I'm UK size 11

# These Jimmy Choos are nine

# She said I don't believe you darling

# Your lips are post box red

# I've found face cream in your wardrobe

# And used wax strips in the shed

# I guessed your little secret

# There's no need to fall to bits

# While searching through your man drawer

# I found your fake foam tits

# She said, but please don't cry my darling

# My love for you's still true

# We can shop until we drop

# Then I will mix and match with you. #

Thank you. Very merry Christmas.

Thank you very much indeed.

Ladies and gentlemen,

Andy Askins!

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

Before, we were treated to one of the superstars of the world

and I couldn't have her here just for one song,

so please welcome back to the stage,

Kylie Minogue!

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

-Now, Kylie...

-Hi!

-Kylie, I've been listening to

-your Christmas album, Kylie Christmas.

-Hm-mm. That's right.

-Lovely.

-Thank you.

-And you've got a number of duets with people.

-Hm-mm.

-Frank Sinatra.

-Yes.

-Yeah. You've got Iggy Pop.

-Yes.

-You've even got James Corden.

-Yes!

Well, don't you think you've missed someone?

Can you sing?

Can I sing?!

-Can I sing?! Course I can.

-Well, sing with me, then.

-Can we do a duet?

-Yes, please.

Let's do it.

# Oh, the weather outside is frightful

# But the fire is so delightful

# And since we've no place to go

# Let it snow, let it snow let it snow

JOHN MIMES # It doesn't show signs of stopping

# I've brought some corn for popping

# The lights are turned way down low

# Let it snow, let it snow let it snow

# When we finally kiss goodnight

# How I'll hate going out in the storm

# But if you'll really hold me tight

# All the way home I'll be warm

# The fire is slowly dying

# And my dear we're still goodbye-ing

JOHN'S VOCAL TRACK BEGINS TO RUN SLOW

# Well, as long as you love me so

# Let it snow, let it snow let it snow

# When we finally kiss goodnight

# How I'll hate going out in the storm

# But if you'll really hold me

RECORD STICKS # Ti-i-i-i-ight

# All the way home I'll be warm

# The fire is slowly dying

# But my dear we're still goodbye-ing

# But as long as you love me so

-BOTH:

-# Let it snow, let it snow let it snow. #

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

Ladies and gentlemen, Kylie Minogue!

That was brilliant.

Hang on.

Oh!

All of my straight friends

and all of my gay friends

are now looking at me going,

"You lucky bastard!"

Right, are you ready for some more comedy?

AUDIENCE: Yes.

We've got someone coming on the stage that I've always wanted

to get on a show, but to be honest with you,

you can hardly get him in this country.

He spends a lot of time in the air,

flying round the world, entertaining people all over the place.

In fact, it's easier to get a ticket to go

and see him in Australia than it is here.

He's funny, he's hilarious, and we are so lucky to have him.

Please welcome to the stage,

the fabulous Danny Bhoy.

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

I know. Finally a name on this bill.

How are you all? You all right?

AUDIENCE: Yeah!

I was Christmas shopping in Edinburgh at the weekend

and I've realised Scotland is the only country in the world where

a father can threaten his child without actually saying anything.

There was a dad and his kid, they were out shopping,

the kids was messing around, lagging behind,

and the dad eventually snapped,

and he just turned round and went,

"Oi!

"All right?"

That seemed to be all he needed to say.

I went to the German Christmas market at the weekend.

Oh, we love a bit of German culture at Christmas time, isn't it?

It's the only time of the year we embrace the German culture.

The rest of the year we're not so fussed.

But we love all that, and buy stuff we'd never usually buy.

We'll have a giant sausage.

We've no need for a sausage that big but why not, it's German,

it's Christmas.

We try a little bit of it at first on the end of a cocktail stick.

That always tastes good, doesn't it?

Oh, that is beautiful.

We'll have six feet of that.

We'll have six feet of that and we'll put it in the fridge

and we'll throw it out next June.

It's German and it's Christmas.

And we'll have some of the heavy bread.

Can we get the heavy bread, mate?

I don't know if they have Scottish Christmas markets in Hamburg.

I'm not sure.

Guy's saying, er, "Little bit of, er, square sausage, madam?

"Little bit of square sausage?

"Feel free to wash it down with some mulled Buckfast."

Anyway, so I was at the German Christmas market, right,

and I've got my heavy bread and my giant sausage,

and I'm looking for Christmas presents.

And I found this one stall that was the most enchanting stall

I've ever seen in my life.

It was an old German guy and he was making all these wooden toys,

and I thought, "Yes, this is what Christmas is all about."

And hanging up in his stall, there was a wooden man,

maybe about that size, and it had a little string at the bottom,

and when you pulled the string the arms did this.

I thought that was magical.

I thought, this is... that's...

"I'll get one of these for my little nephew", I thought.

Imagine the surprise on his face on Christmas morning,

when he thinks he's getting the new Halo and Xbox.

No. He's getting a wooden man which,

when you pull the string, arms do that.

Hours of fun.

What 17-year-old kid would not want that? That's what I want to know.

So I said to the German man, I said, "Can I have one of them?"

He said, "Yeah, help yourself.

"They're all individually hand-painted and hand-crafted."

I says, "Great."

Now, I must have picked up the only defective toy on that stall.

And when I pulled the string on my wooden man...

..only one arm worked.

Some of you are ahead of the game here, I can see that.

Pulled the string.

And it... You know, the arm...

Now, if it had been a Spanish or a French market,

we'd have had a bit of a giggle about that.

But it was a German Christmas market.

Now, the right thing to say in that situation,

if you're ever in it,

you'll never be in it,

is nothing.

Nothing is the right thing to say.

My brain doesn't allow that.

Pull the string, the arm goes up.

I'm looking at him, he's looking at me and I said...

.."That takes you back, doesn't it?"

You had carol singers at the market.

I love Christmas carols.

You know, my favourite Christmas carol when I was a kid was Away In A Manger.

But there was always a problem with Away In A Manger, wasn't there?

Cos if you came in too high on that very first line,

when you were singing it at school, teacher on the piano,

if you came in with too high a pitch,

you had nowhere to go.

Teacher would be like, "Ready, after three. One, two, three."

# Away in a manger No crib for a... #

Ah!

Ah!

HIGH-PITCHED WHINE

Dogs in nearby parks... "Huh?"

And you go, "That was embarrassing.

"There's girls in this class,"

and you drop right down for the next bit, wouldn't you.

# The little Lord Jesus... #

But you forgot, it was going to go down again at that point,

and you'd be in even more trouble at the other end.

# The little Lord Jesus

-(IN DEEP VOICE)

-# Lay down his

# Sweet... #

Hurgh! Hurgh!

Hurgh!

Ladies and gentlemen, have a wonderful Christmas.

Thank you for listening.

Joyeux Noel!

Ladies and gentlemen, Danny Bhoy.

What did I tell you?

It was brilliant.

I was just watching Danny, there.

There's nothing like watching someone just win an audience

over and there was a shot when he was doing, doing the

carol singing. That bit.

And there was a bloke,

and I don't know where you're sat,

but we've caught you on camera, crying.

Ladies and gentlemen, Danny Bhoy!

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

What did I say?

Now, anyone who's watched one of these Christmas specials

before will know that there's something missing.

There's someone who's appeared on every single one of these Christmas shows.

He was booked on the first one. He helped us out on the second one

when someone couldn't turn up, at late notice.

Tonight, he's come again to sing us out.

Ladies and gentlemen, singing Last Christmas,

please welcome,

Olly Murs!

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

# Last Christmas I gave you my heart

# The very next day you gave it away

# This year to save me from tears

# I'll give it to someone special

# Once bitten and twice shy

# I kept my distance but you still catch my eye

# Tell me, baby, do you recognise me?

# Huh, it's been a year it doesn't surprise me

# I wrapped it up and sent it

# With a note saying, I love you I meant it

# Now I know what a fool I've been

# But if you kissed me now you'd never fool me again

# Last Christmas I gave you my heart

# The very next day you gave it away

# And this year to save me from tears

# I'll give it to someone

# I'll give it to someone special. #

Come on!

# I gave you my heart

# You gave me away... #

Ladies and gentlemen, John Bishop. Come on!

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome on to the stage

all of the guests from this evening!

I see you want to sing.

Come on!

ALL: # Last Christmas I gave you my heart

# The very next day you gave it away

# But this year to save me from tears

# I'll give it to someone special. #

Everyone, one more time!

# Last Christmas I gave you my heart

# But the very next day you gave it away

# But this year to save me from tears

# I'll give it to someone

# I'll give it to someone special. #

Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas, everybody! Thank you. Goodnight.