Episode 7 No Such Thing as the News


Episode 7

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A Glasgow man has been jailed for attempted robbery after he ran

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into a shop waving a sword and was chased out by a woman armed

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Danish firefighters have used a battering ram to break

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into a house and rescue a man who had become trapped

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A woman in Houston, Texas with 26-inch-long fingernails

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has said she hopes to break the world record.

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It currently stands at 28 feet four-and-a-half inches.

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And the deputy leader of South Lanarkshire Council,

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who oversaw the closure of all the public toilets

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in the area, has been fined for urinating in the street.

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Hello! And welcome to another episode of No Such Thing As The

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News, coming you from up the creek in Greenwich, London.

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Once again, we are here to present to you the most interesting stories

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we found in the news of the last seven days. In no particular order,

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here we go, starting with you, Andrew Hunter Murray. My charge is

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that before he was Chancellor of the Exchequer, Philip Hammond was a used

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car salesman. Immediately before he was Chancellor... , not immediately

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before, it was some years before he became the second most important

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politician in the country. After Nigel Farage. So, he had a nod of

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business scheme as a young man. He was really entrepreneurial and he

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set up loads of companies, and one of them was buying and selling Ford

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cars from Dagenham, which I think makes him a used car salesman. He

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ran discos for teenagers, he tried... That's pretty cool! That

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was when he was a teenager, wasn't it one he was a Goth, wasn't he?

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According to Richard Madeley. He went to school with Richard Madeley,

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and somebody asked Richard what he was like and he said, was a Goth. He

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wore a long trench coat. The Times researched, said, in fact, Mr

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Hammond left Sheffield technical high school seven years before the

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popularity of the Goth look. So he was a trendsetter? So, Philip

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Hammond is in the news this week because of the Autumn Statement,

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which is kind of like a budget like. Like the mini me, the Dr evil of the

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budget! Exactly. We have got some pictures in from the Treasury to so

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how amazingly dynamic that is, what they're doing there at the moment.

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This is Philip Hammond, there he is...

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I would say that these pictures appear to me to be pictures of a cup

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with an incidental Chancellor in the background. There was an article

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about him in the Financial Times soon after he became Chancellor, and

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they said he has such a sobering public image that he is often

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recurred to as an accountant, despite having no accounting

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qualification. Which is tough! A colleague of his allegedly Wunsch

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suggested going for a drink, and he just replied, why? So, the idea that

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he was a used car salesman, I suddenly thought, a lot of these MPs

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must have had jobs prior to being an MP. Amber Rudd, for example, worked

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on Four Weddings And A Funeral, the movie. She was credited as

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aristocracy coordinator. How far she has come! The only other person I

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could see who had a genuine movie credit was George Osborne, and he

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has a thank you credit in the Star Wars movie Perforce Awakens for

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inspiring the evil! I think he provided a kind of tax to

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international film-makers, and, Disney and Lucas films were like,

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thanks, buddy! And they filmed it over here as a result. The Autumn

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Statement is like the micro-budget, basically, and I don't know if he

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can do this in the Autumn Statement, but during the budget, there's one

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thing he can do, which is an alcohol. Your allowed to do it for

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some reason, because he has to talk for ages, basically. Most of them

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drink mineral water. Boring. The Liskeard had whiskey, and if you go

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a bit further back, Benjamin Disraeli had brandy. And Gladstone

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had this weird bottle and people said, what is in the bottle? It

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turned out it was Sherry and beaten egg. But he did 12 budgets. Yes, but

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what were they like?! The longest ever uninterrupted budget speech was

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William Gladstone, at four hours 45 minutes, uninterrupted. And they're

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not scintillating at the best of times! , if we leave the year we

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will be able to drink champagne in pants again. Like you ever stop to!

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That I have been having to do it on the slide! -- you ever stopped! They

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announced they are going to bring that back as soon as they are

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allowed to. It was Churchill's favourite and Queen Victoria's as

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well, I think. Churchill said, half a bottle is insufficient to tease my

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brains but an imperial pint is an ideal size for a man like me. It is

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enough for two at lunch and one at dinner. So obviously, the Autumn

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Statement has been delivered and we now know that the internet broadband

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speed is going to be put right up, and they're can spend ?1 billion on

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gold standard broadband. There is a place which has the lowest in the

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country, and it's insane. They have a top speed of 1.3 megabits per

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second. And to put that into context... No, don't, we all know

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what that means! If you're at base camp in Mount Everest, you can get 2

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megabits per second. Well, you are a lot higher up! On the moon, you can

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get 20 megabits per second. What?! And someone tried to download a

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James Bond movie and it took five days. You know what that means? It

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means that if you wanted to get it quicker, in theory, you could take a

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plane to Kaz extends, and flight to the moon, which takes three days,

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land and download that Bond movie faster than you could have done in

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this place. In theory. That's missing out like years of training

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to be an astronaut. So, Hammond has got in a bit of trouble with his

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fellow cabinet members for being slightly negative about Brexit,

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would you say? What did he say? He said... We're all going to die! Flee

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to our second homes in Monaco, fellow Tories!

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I think he said there was going to be a ?100 billion hole in the

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budget. And I thought I would look at some of the other things which

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have been affected by Brexit. Problems with Marmite. And another

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bit of Marmite news this week is that Marmite's chief taster has

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retired. Revealing, he actually hated it! He has been doing the job

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for 42 years and he says he has sampled the equivalent of 206 to 4

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billion jars of Marmite. He says, having retired, even though he will

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not eat it every day, he will still eat it when he feels like it which

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is quite often. It is time for factor number two. And that is...

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It's time to move on to our second fact of the show. And it is. My fact

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this week is that Oxford Dictionaries' word of the year is

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actually two words, post-truth. Only seven out of their 13 Words of the

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Year have in fact been one word. Is in the dictionary is lying to us!

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So, this is the news this week. The word of the year is post-truth, a

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reference to the fact that truth does not exist any more choice so,

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they have had a Word of the Year going since 2004. Since then it has

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been a big society, squeezed middle... The first one was carbon

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foot went, they have also had credit crunch, then they had, simples,

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omnishambles, selfie and last year, it was emoji, which you might

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remember. Which we could not actually afford to get a picture of.

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I wish I could tell you how I feel about that! I guess they're just

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trying to represent what the mood of the country is. The word of this

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year is Brexit. They say it was first recorded in 2013, and has

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increased by more than 3400% this year. Which is the inflation rate

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next year! They said that it is even more useful as a word down Watergate

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because of all the different types of new words like Bremain, Bremorce

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and others. Do you know when is the first use of the word post-truth?

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So, it came in a US presidential scandal. It was the Iran

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ultra-scandal, where Ronald Reagan denied that the US was trading guns

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for hostages -- Contra scandal -- and even though the American people

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knew he was lying, they did not really care because the outcome was

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more important than the truth. There was a study done in June by Columbia

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university at the French national Institute about the way that fake

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news spreads online choice they found out that 59% of links which

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people share on social media have never been clicked on. So people are

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more willing to share an article than they are to read the article

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before they share it choice so, stop it. Other newspapers are now having

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to deny that certain newspapers exist. So, the Denver Post in the

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last couple of weeks had to write an article the headline of which was,

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the Denver Guardian is not a newspaper, these stop believing it.

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It was the one which had the story that an FBI agent suspected in the

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Hillary e-mail leaks have been found dead in his apartment. Lots of

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people shared it, and it was not true. In Baltimore they have had to

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say that the Baltimore Gazette has not existed since the 1860s. Please

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stop reading it! Because all the articles are way out of date! They

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did this big expose on a couple of weeks ago, and they found out that

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the top 20 fake news stories in the three months after the election had

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8.7 million shares or or whatever it is called. And the top 20 real news

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stories had only had 7.4 million, so fake news stories were getting more

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shares than real news stories. A lot of people are spreading them but

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doing it not in a manipulative way, they just think it is genuinely

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news. The New York Times did a story on a guy called Mr Tettey. He sent

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out this... -- Mr Clarke. And so you took this photo and use all of these

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buses. It turned out that he was walking by and he saw these buses,

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and he thought, this was where the protests are, I wonder if this was

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to do with the protests. He said he did a quick Google and he said he

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could not find that there were any conferences in the area. There was,

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there was one with 13,000 people, a software conference, in the area,

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and that is what the buses were for. This guy just sent it out and it

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went viral and got picked up by major news outlets. He was really

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apologetic because he did not know. He knew that there might be another

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explanation but he said, I'm also a very busy businessman and I do not

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have time to fact check everything I put out! We need to move on.

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Anything first? What you were saying about dictionaries reflecting

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changing times - in Australia, the Australian national dictionary, they

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added a raft of new words in August. And they were quite relevant,

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because there were for example aborigine words which had not been

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in there before, and also, the terms. So, they added, happy as a

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bastard on Father's Day. And also, my personal favourite, dry as a dead

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dingo's donger! Have way through the shore, time to

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look at the stories you have sent to us through e-mail and social media.

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This came from Joshua on Twitter, Australian police investigating a

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break-in at a community hall dusted for fingerprints but found only a

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bomb print on the glass door. Could have had to huge fingers? James?

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Mine is from Angelina. And that was sent to your direct

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account wasn't it? Apparently only 100 cases have been documented since

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1973. I am now a medical curiosity. And Andy? This was sent in from JC.

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OK, time to move on to fact a number three, that is James. My fact that

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this week a satellite was launched which carries the most advanced

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weather predicting system in history. It should have gone up

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three weeks ago but was delayed due to unforeseen weather conditions.

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LAUGHTER This is incredible, it's something

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called the due stationary environmental satellite and it will

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make weather forecasting better overnight. Literally. The way it

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scans things is ten times better, it can scan have the Earth every 15

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minutes, in severe weather it will be able to go in and scan it every

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30 seconds which we cannot do at the moment. It will give us real-time

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weather and might save lives because we'll be able to give people more

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time when there are tornadoes are hurricanes are anything like that.

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One of the most incredible science stories. I had the comparison, if

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the current system is like watching a black and white movie with no

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sound, this is a Blu-ray DVD. That mean it will be supplanted by

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superior technology in about six months? When is the Netflix

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satellite coming? The first thing which got me excited about this was

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the fact it's going to be able to steer planes away from turbulence so

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it is able to measure the waves within clouds, it beams images

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through clouds and sees what weeds are inside them and can tell planes

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to avoid turbulence which is great news. The weather event which

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stopped the original satellite growing up was Hurricane Matthew and

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we have a picture of it. Look at that! That is a picture of Hurricane

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Matthew. If we can take pictures like that I am not sure we need

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their satellite. There was footage and package this week of the clean

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room which is what they call the completely pristine environment they

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have to keep the satellite and before it goes up. Some of the

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instruments are so sensitive that the contamination limit, even after

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15 years orbiting, there cannot be a single layer of molecules on the

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surface of the instruments otherwise they will not work. That is how

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cleanly had to keep it. But when it goes up want stuff get on it? I

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think they keep it off it as it goes up. I hope they have bought it

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through. Turns out they just wrapped it to the rocket and it has

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disintegrated! One embarrassing thing which could happen to all

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satellite is the case law affect which is when two bits of detritus

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in space collide and break into little pieces and those pieces crash

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into other things and it's like a chain reaction, we are in danger of

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that. China tested and anti-satellite device in 2007 to

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check it worked and eight told us only after they had sent it up. It

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broke up into hundreds of thousands of little pieces which are still

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rotating around the Earth and we had to track all of them. There are all

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sorts of bits of detritus around the world spinning around and they could

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crash into one another. If they do it could block out space from

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everyone. You are not allowed to do in space and that is one of the

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reasons why -- you not allowed to to in space. They are up there for

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weeks! They just take Imodium. I have got a video... Video created by

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the US Naval research laboratory and it's the cloud of debris

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disintegrating satellites. This is the area which could be contaminated

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by debris. It goes, a few more rotations and then we cut to about

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later, yeah. I know. It looks really nice doesn't it? We need to move on

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soon. Can I just show you, this fact about the weather initially, and

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there has been a lot of flooding this week so I was looking at how we

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can stop flood damage and we have a video of this amazing product, I UK

:20:08.:20:17.

company called tarmac created top mix which is permeable concrete.

:20:18.:20:23.

Where is the water going? What is happening to it? It just sucks up

:20:24.:20:29.

the water. It is able to drink a thousand litres of water per square

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metre in one minute. If we use that then all the water disappears into

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the tarmac and we are all fine. It has drawbacks, it is a bit weaker.

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If you drop your drink... Do you normally skip it back up? You should

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see me in a car park! OK, time to move on to the final fact, which is

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mine. As part of the Buckingham Palace refurbishment, the Queen will

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start using her leftover food to power boilers. Does that mean she

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has to choose between being too cold or too hungry? This is the fact that

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this week they have decided they will renovate Buckingham Palace is

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that right? Yeah, it will cost three and ?69 million. Builders these

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days! And that will only be the court! 78 bathrooms, 5000 light

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fittings, 330 fuse boxes, 20 miles of skirting board, 20 miles of

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heating pipework, there is a lot to do. 20 miles would take you all the

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way to Windsor Castle, skirting board all the way to Windsor Castle.

:21:54.:21:58.

The fact the Queen is managing to heed her house with her leftover

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food, this is an anaerobic digestible unit which is in the

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plans for the Buckingham Palace refurbishment, it said they will

:22:08.:22:11.

build that unit and what it does is it breaks down organic matter so

:22:12.:22:14.

food in this case but it can be sewage and things like that but I

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could not for the life of me find any evidence they were going to use

:22:19.:22:21.

the Queen 's sewage to power the house. The Queen doesn't make any

:22:22.:22:30.

sewage! It's a reaction which happens without oxygen and produces

:22:31.:22:35.

a biogas which is 60% methane and 40% carbon dioxide which can be

:22:36.:22:38.

burned and it heats the house, the boiler. The staff who work there are

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also live they are so, it has a cashpoint, it has a post office and

:22:47.:22:50.

a cinema, a helipad and the other thing it has is a store of soda

:22:51.:22:54.

water and blotting paper for when the cordless p on the floor. I have

:22:55.:22:59.

read a couple of accounts which say they have the run of the place --

:23:00.:23:09.

when the corgi's P on the floor. It is in dire need of repair, it is

:23:10.:23:13.

always hot, the radiators don't operate individually and most of the

:23:14.:23:17.

knobs have broken so there are rooms and Buckingham Palace which are

:23:18.:23:20.

never entered but are always very hot. It's also not very efficient,

:23:21.:23:26.

it topped the list a few years ago of the most environmentally damaging

:23:27.:23:31.

building in London. They said it was the least energy-efficient home in

:23:32.:23:35.

the whole of the UK. I have a thermal image, that is how much is

:23:36.:23:40.

escaping. You can see the super hot rooms on the left-hand side. This

:23:41.:23:44.

group said that effectively for London its central heating radiator

:23:45.:23:48.

it gives off that much heat. She has to switch bedrooms for the move,

:23:49.:23:53.

this is a compromise essentially, it could have been that the whole Royal

:23:54.:23:57.

family moved out and they did their refurbishment and a shorter out of

:23:58.:24:00.

time or they did not move them and they took longer and they have gone

:24:01.:24:04.

for the latter but the Queen has to move out of her bedroom which I

:24:05.:24:07.

would be kicking up a Royal fuss about. Another building which is

:24:08.:24:13.

quite energy inefficient is Trump Tower. Trump Tower has an energy use

:24:14.:24:22.

intensity score of 216. Any score over 206 places the building in the

:24:23.:24:26.

90th percentile of the worst pollution emitters of any multi

:24:27.:24:31.

family residential building. Good thing global warming isn't real!

:24:32.:24:35.

There is a lot of talk about Donald Trump having to visit the Queen at

:24:36.:24:41.

some point, will she extend an invitation, Trump's mother was a big

:24:42.:24:48.

fan of the Queen. Great Queen. Great Queen. The best Queen. His mother

:24:49.:24:55.

really like the Queen and so I was looking into, or Balmer visited the

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Queen and apparently the detail the Queen goes into making sure they

:25:01.:25:04.

have an amazing trip, President Obama and Michelle Obama apparently

:25:05.:25:08.

reported that when they got there even the detail of the toilet paper

:25:09.:25:13.

they for a fair in terms of thickness and colour and texture.

:25:14.:25:20.

Where is that written down? Going through his speeches? Can we go back

:25:21.:25:24.

to that picture? Are they at a key party, are they about to go home

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with each other's spouse? LAUGHTER Prince Philip looks very happy about

:25:34.:25:39.

it! I hope you like open windows! We need to wrap up in a second. One

:25:40.:25:43.

thing, there is another building which will be renovated which is the

:25:44.:25:46.

houses of parliament and the repairs will be billions of pounds because

:25:47.:25:50.

it's enormous so there have been loads of proposals. Some people have

:25:51.:25:53.

suggested this massive floating bubble on the surface of the

:25:54.:26:00.

Thames... Instead of the Houses of Parliament? It's a temporary thing,

:26:01.:26:06.

once it is finished you can it and it floats away to other democracies.

:26:07.:26:14.

If you look at the picture, the Tower of Big Ben, at the other end

:26:15.:26:18.

is the Victoria Tower. I did not know what was in there but they have

:26:19.:26:24.

every act of Parliament and it's all written on calfskin because it keeps

:26:25.:26:30.

for hundreds of years. The longest scrawl is from 1721 and it attacks

:26:31.:26:34.

act and it is longer than the Houses of Parliament itself. -- it is a tax

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act. On this refurbishment they have decided now where MPs are going to

:26:45.:26:49.

live and sadly it's not in a futuristic bubble. They are going to

:26:50.:26:52.

have to move to the Department of Health which is Richmond house and

:26:53.:26:57.

Richmond house is least in an Islamic bond scheme, that is one of

:26:58.:27:01.

the details of how the party is leased and because it is an Islamic

:27:02.:27:05.

bond scheme anything which happens their forbids the sale of alcohol so

:27:06.:27:10.

all MPs for six years will be living in a place that forbids the sale of

:27:11.:27:14.

alcohol. They currently live in a place which has ten bars. When they

:27:15.:27:20.

realise this might be the case the proposed that they nationalise the

:27:21.:27:27.

red Lion pub which they all go to. They said make sure it is ours and

:27:28.:27:32.

the red Lion pub 's owners, Fullers, have said no, sorry. OK, that is all

:27:33.:27:40.

of artefacts, just time to share some of the stories we didn't have

:27:41.:27:45.

time to get to, starting with you James. Mine is that this week the

:27:46.:27:49.

favourite to become next president of France announced he not Hillary

:27:50.:27:56.

Clinton. His lead in the polls subsequently plummeted and he ended

:27:57.:28:04.

up coming second. Andy? This is that people in an online charity auction

:28:05.:28:08.

have bid up to ?500 for a signed pair of Jeremy Corbyn's old shoes.

:28:09.:28:13.

There is a left one and then a far left one! APPLAUSE

:28:14.:28:23.

OK, that visit, that is all from us, we will be back next week, this has

:28:24.:28:26.

No Such Thing As The News, goodbye. "Woman 'Entered By a Horse Spirit'

:28:27.:28:33.

Gallops on All Fours Who knows where

:28:34.:28:38.

it's going to take me? Maybe I'm related

:28:39.:28:55.

to a few criminals. Wow!

:28:56.:28:59.

A humorous look at the lesser-known events of the week. Who would ever have thought the news could be this much fun? With James Harkin, Andrew Hunter Murray, Anna Ptaszynski and Dan Schreiber.


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