Episode 7 No Such Thing as the News

Episode 7

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A Glasgow man has been jailed for attempted robbery after he ran


into a shop waving a sword and was chased out by a woman armed


Danish firefighters have used a battering ram to break


into a house and rescue a man who had become trapped


A woman in Houston, Texas with 26-inch-long fingernails


has said she hopes to break the world record.


It currently stands at 28 feet four-and-a-half inches.


And the deputy leader of South Lanarkshire Council,


who oversaw the closure of all the public toilets


in the area, has been fined for urinating in the street.


Hello! And welcome to another episode of No Such Thing As The


News, coming you from up the creek in Greenwich, London.


Once again, we are here to present to you the most interesting stories


we found in the news of the last seven days. In no particular order,


here we go, starting with you, Andrew Hunter Murray. My charge is


that before he was Chancellor of the Exchequer, Philip Hammond was a used


car salesman. Immediately before he was Chancellor... , not immediately


before, it was some years before he became the second most important


politician in the country. After Nigel Farage. So, he had a nod of


business scheme as a young man. He was really entrepreneurial and he


set up loads of companies, and one of them was buying and selling Ford


cars from Dagenham, which I think makes him a used car salesman. He


ran discos for teenagers, he tried... That's pretty cool! That


was when he was a teenager, wasn't it one he was a Goth, wasn't he?


According to Richard Madeley. He went to school with Richard Madeley,


and somebody asked Richard what he was like and he said, was a Goth. He


wore a long trench coat. The Times researched, said, in fact, Mr


Hammond left Sheffield technical high school seven years before the


popularity of the Goth look. So he was a trendsetter? So, Philip


Hammond is in the news this week because of the Autumn Statement,


which is kind of like a budget like. Like the mini me, the Dr evil of the


budget! Exactly. We have got some pictures in from the Treasury to so


how amazingly dynamic that is, what they're doing there at the moment.


This is Philip Hammond, there he is...


I would say that these pictures appear to me to be pictures of a cup


with an incidental Chancellor in the background. There was an article


about him in the Financial Times soon after he became Chancellor, and


they said he has such a sobering public image that he is often


recurred to as an accountant, despite having no accounting


qualification. Which is tough! A colleague of his allegedly Wunsch


suggested going for a drink, and he just replied, why? So, the idea that


he was a used car salesman, I suddenly thought, a lot of these MPs


must have had jobs prior to being an MP. Amber Rudd, for example, worked


on Four Weddings And A Funeral, the movie. She was credited as


aristocracy coordinator. How far she has come! The only other person I


could see who had a genuine movie credit was George Osborne, and he


has a thank you credit in the Star Wars movie Perforce Awakens for


inspiring the evil! I think he provided a kind of tax to


international film-makers, and, Disney and Lucas films were like,


thanks, buddy! And they filmed it over here as a result. The Autumn


Statement is like the micro-budget, basically, and I don't know if he


can do this in the Autumn Statement, but during the budget, there's one


thing he can do, which is an alcohol. Your allowed to do it for


some reason, because he has to talk for ages, basically. Most of them


drink mineral water. Boring. The Liskeard had whiskey, and if you go


a bit further back, Benjamin Disraeli had brandy. And Gladstone


had this weird bottle and people said, what is in the bottle? It


turned out it was Sherry and beaten egg. But he did 12 budgets. Yes, but


what were they like?! The longest ever uninterrupted budget speech was


William Gladstone, at four hours 45 minutes, uninterrupted. And they're


not scintillating at the best of times! , if we leave the year we


will be able to drink champagne in pants again. Like you ever stop to!


That I have been having to do it on the slide! -- you ever stopped! They


announced they are going to bring that back as soon as they are


allowed to. It was Churchill's favourite and Queen Victoria's as


well, I think. Churchill said, half a bottle is insufficient to tease my


brains but an imperial pint is an ideal size for a man like me. It is


enough for two at lunch and one at dinner. So obviously, the Autumn


Statement has been delivered and we now know that the internet broadband


speed is going to be put right up, and they're can spend ?1 billion on


gold standard broadband. There is a place which has the lowest in the


country, and it's insane. They have a top speed of 1.3 megabits per


second. And to put that into context... No, don't, we all know


what that means! If you're at base camp in Mount Everest, you can get 2


megabits per second. Well, you are a lot higher up! On the moon, you can


get 20 megabits per second. What?! And someone tried to download a


James Bond movie and it took five days. You know what that means? It


means that if you wanted to get it quicker, in theory, you could take a


plane to Kaz extends, and flight to the moon, which takes three days,


land and download that Bond movie faster than you could have done in


this place. In theory. That's missing out like years of training


to be an astronaut. So, Hammond has got in a bit of trouble with his


fellow cabinet members for being slightly negative about Brexit,


would you say? What did he say? He said... We're all going to die! Flee


to our second homes in Monaco, fellow Tories!


I think he said there was going to be a ?100 billion hole in the


budget. And I thought I would look at some of the other things which


have been affected by Brexit. Problems with Marmite. And another


bit of Marmite news this week is that Marmite's chief taster has


retired. Revealing, he actually hated it! He has been doing the job


for 42 years and he says he has sampled the equivalent of 206 to 4


billion jars of Marmite. He says, having retired, even though he will


not eat it every day, he will still eat it when he feels like it which


is quite often. It is time for factor number two. And that is...


It's time to move on to our second fact of the show. And it is. My fact


this week is that Oxford Dictionaries' word of the year is


actually two words, post-truth. Only seven out of their 13 Words of the


Year have in fact been one word. Is in the dictionary is lying to us!


So, this is the news this week. The word of the year is post-truth, a


reference to the fact that truth does not exist any more choice so,


they have had a Word of the Year going since 2004. Since then it has


been a big society, squeezed middle... The first one was carbon


foot went, they have also had credit crunch, then they had, simples,


omnishambles, selfie and last year, it was emoji, which you might


remember. Which we could not actually afford to get a picture of.


I wish I could tell you how I feel about that! I guess they're just


trying to represent what the mood of the country is. The word of this


year is Brexit. They say it was first recorded in 2013, and has


increased by more than 3400% this year. Which is the inflation rate


next year! They said that it is even more useful as a word down Watergate


because of all the different types of new words like Bremain, Bremorce


and others. Do you know when is the first use of the word post-truth?


So, it came in a US presidential scandal. It was the Iran


ultra-scandal, where Ronald Reagan denied that the US was trading guns


for hostages -- Contra scandal -- and even though the American people


knew he was lying, they did not really care because the outcome was


more important than the truth. There was a study done in June by Columbia


university at the French national Institute about the way that fake


news spreads online choice they found out that 59% of links which


people share on social media have never been clicked on. So people are


more willing to share an article than they are to read the article


before they share it choice so, stop it. Other newspapers are now having


to deny that certain newspapers exist. So, the Denver Post in the


last couple of weeks had to write an article the headline of which was,


the Denver Guardian is not a newspaper, these stop believing it.


It was the one which had the story that an FBI agent suspected in the


Hillary e-mail leaks have been found dead in his apartment. Lots of


people shared it, and it was not true. In Baltimore they have had to


say that the Baltimore Gazette has not existed since the 1860s. Please


stop reading it! Because all the articles are way out of date! They


did this big expose on a couple of weeks ago, and they found out that


the top 20 fake news stories in the three months after the election had


8.7 million shares or or whatever it is called. And the top 20 real news


stories had only had 7.4 million, so fake news stories were getting more


shares than real news stories. A lot of people are spreading them but


doing it not in a manipulative way, they just think it is genuinely


news. The New York Times did a story on a guy called Mr Tettey. He sent


out this... -- Mr Clarke. And so you took this photo and use all of these


buses. It turned out that he was walking by and he saw these buses,


and he thought, this was where the protests are, I wonder if this was


to do with the protests. He said he did a quick Google and he said he


could not find that there were any conferences in the area. There was,


there was one with 13,000 people, a software conference, in the area,


and that is what the buses were for. This guy just sent it out and it


went viral and got picked up by major news outlets. He was really


apologetic because he did not know. He knew that there might be another


explanation but he said, I'm also a very busy businessman and I do not


have time to fact check everything I put out! We need to move on.


Anything first? What you were saying about dictionaries reflecting


changing times - in Australia, the Australian national dictionary, they


added a raft of new words in August. And they were quite relevant,


because there were for example aborigine words which had not been


in there before, and also, the terms. So, they added, happy as a


bastard on Father's Day. And also, my personal favourite, dry as a dead


dingo's donger! Have way through the shore, time to


look at the stories you have sent to us through e-mail and social media.


This came from Joshua on Twitter, Australian police investigating a


break-in at a community hall dusted for fingerprints but found only a


bomb print on the glass door. Could have had to huge fingers? James?


Mine is from Angelina. And that was sent to your direct


account wasn't it? Apparently only 100 cases have been documented since


1973. I am now a medical curiosity. And Andy? This was sent in from JC.


OK, time to move on to fact a number three, that is James. My fact that


this week a satellite was launched which carries the most advanced


weather predicting system in history. It should have gone up


three weeks ago but was delayed due to unforeseen weather conditions.


LAUGHTER This is incredible, it's something


called the due stationary environmental satellite and it will


make weather forecasting better overnight. Literally. The way it


scans things is ten times better, it can scan have the Earth every 15


minutes, in severe weather it will be able to go in and scan it every


30 seconds which we cannot do at the moment. It will give us real-time


weather and might save lives because we'll be able to give people more


time when there are tornadoes are hurricanes are anything like that.


One of the most incredible science stories. I had the comparison, if


the current system is like watching a black and white movie with no


sound, this is a Blu-ray DVD. That mean it will be supplanted by


superior technology in about six months? When is the Netflix


satellite coming? The first thing which got me excited about this was


the fact it's going to be able to steer planes away from turbulence so


it is able to measure the waves within clouds, it beams images


through clouds and sees what weeds are inside them and can tell planes


to avoid turbulence which is great news. The weather event which


stopped the original satellite growing up was Hurricane Matthew and


we have a picture of it. Look at that! That is a picture of Hurricane


Matthew. If we can take pictures like that I am not sure we need


their satellite. There was footage and package this week of the clean


room which is what they call the completely pristine environment they


have to keep the satellite and before it goes up. Some of the


instruments are so sensitive that the contamination limit, even after


15 years orbiting, there cannot be a single layer of molecules on the


surface of the instruments otherwise they will not work. That is how


cleanly had to keep it. But when it goes up want stuff get on it? I


think they keep it off it as it goes up. I hope they have bought it


through. Turns out they just wrapped it to the rocket and it has


disintegrated! One embarrassing thing which could happen to all


satellite is the case law affect which is when two bits of detritus


in space collide and break into little pieces and those pieces crash


into other things and it's like a chain reaction, we are in danger of


that. China tested and anti-satellite device in 2007 to


check it worked and eight told us only after they had sent it up. It


broke up into hundreds of thousands of little pieces which are still


rotating around the Earth and we had to track all of them. There are all


sorts of bits of detritus around the world spinning around and they could


crash into one another. If they do it could block out space from


everyone. You are not allowed to do in space and that is one of the


reasons why -- you not allowed to to in space. They are up there for


weeks! They just take Imodium. I have got a video... Video created by


the US Naval research laboratory and it's the cloud of debris


disintegrating satellites. This is the area which could be contaminated


by debris. It goes, a few more rotations and then we cut to about


later, yeah. I know. It looks really nice doesn't it? We need to move on


soon. Can I just show you, this fact about the weather initially, and


there has been a lot of flooding this week so I was looking at how we


can stop flood damage and we have a video of this amazing product, I UK


company called tarmac created top mix which is permeable concrete.


Where is the water going? What is happening to it? It just sucks up


the water. It is able to drink a thousand litres of water per square


metre in one minute. If we use that then all the water disappears into


the tarmac and we are all fine. It has drawbacks, it is a bit weaker.


If you drop your drink... Do you normally skip it back up? You should


see me in a car park! OK, time to move on to the final fact, which is


mine. As part of the Buckingham Palace refurbishment, the Queen will


start using her leftover food to power boilers. Does that mean she


has to choose between being too cold or too hungry? This is the fact that


this week they have decided they will renovate Buckingham Palace is


that right? Yeah, it will cost three and ?69 million. Builders these


days! And that will only be the court! 78 bathrooms, 5000 light


fittings, 330 fuse boxes, 20 miles of skirting board, 20 miles of


heating pipework, there is a lot to do. 20 miles would take you all the


way to Windsor Castle, skirting board all the way to Windsor Castle.


The fact the Queen is managing to heed her house with her leftover


food, this is an anaerobic digestible unit which is in the


plans for the Buckingham Palace refurbishment, it said they will


build that unit and what it does is it breaks down organic matter so


food in this case but it can be sewage and things like that but I


could not for the life of me find any evidence they were going to use


the Queen 's sewage to power the house. The Queen doesn't make any


sewage! It's a reaction which happens without oxygen and produces


a biogas which is 60% methane and 40% carbon dioxide which can be


burned and it heats the house, the boiler. The staff who work there are


also live they are so, it has a cashpoint, it has a post office and


a cinema, a helipad and the other thing it has is a store of soda


water and blotting paper for when the cordless p on the floor. I have


read a couple of accounts which say they have the run of the place --


when the corgi's P on the floor. It is in dire need of repair, it is


always hot, the radiators don't operate individually and most of the


knobs have broken so there are rooms and Buckingham Palace which are


never entered but are always very hot. It's also not very efficient,


it topped the list a few years ago of the most environmentally damaging


building in London. They said it was the least energy-efficient home in


the whole of the UK. I have a thermal image, that is how much is


escaping. You can see the super hot rooms on the left-hand side. This


group said that effectively for London its central heating radiator


it gives off that much heat. She has to switch bedrooms for the move,


this is a compromise essentially, it could have been that the whole Royal


family moved out and they did their refurbishment and a shorter out of


time or they did not move them and they took longer and they have gone


for the latter but the Queen has to move out of her bedroom which I


would be kicking up a Royal fuss about. Another building which is


quite energy inefficient is Trump Tower. Trump Tower has an energy use


intensity score of 216. Any score over 206 places the building in the


90th percentile of the worst pollution emitters of any multi


family residential building. Good thing global warming isn't real!


There is a lot of talk about Donald Trump having to visit the Queen at


some point, will she extend an invitation, Trump's mother was a big


fan of the Queen. Great Queen. Great Queen. The best Queen. His mother


really like the Queen and so I was looking into, or Balmer visited the


Queen and apparently the detail the Queen goes into making sure they


have an amazing trip, President Obama and Michelle Obama apparently


reported that when they got there even the detail of the toilet paper


they for a fair in terms of thickness and colour and texture.


Where is that written down? Going through his speeches? Can we go back


to that picture? Are they at a key party, are they about to go home


with each other's spouse? LAUGHTER Prince Philip looks very happy about


it! I hope you like open windows! We need to wrap up in a second. One


thing, there is another building which will be renovated which is the


houses of parliament and the repairs will be billions of pounds because


it's enormous so there have been loads of proposals. Some people have


suggested this massive floating bubble on the surface of the


Thames... Instead of the Houses of Parliament? It's a temporary thing,


once it is finished you can it and it floats away to other democracies.


If you look at the picture, the Tower of Big Ben, at the other end


is the Victoria Tower. I did not know what was in there but they have


every act of Parliament and it's all written on calfskin because it keeps


for hundreds of years. The longest scrawl is from 1721 and it attacks


act and it is longer than the Houses of Parliament itself. -- it is a tax


act. On this refurbishment they have decided now where MPs are going to


live and sadly it's not in a futuristic bubble. They are going to


have to move to the Department of Health which is Richmond house and


Richmond house is least in an Islamic bond scheme, that is one of


the details of how the party is leased and because it is an Islamic


bond scheme anything which happens their forbids the sale of alcohol so


all MPs for six years will be living in a place that forbids the sale of


alcohol. They currently live in a place which has ten bars. When they


realise this might be the case the proposed that they nationalise the


red Lion pub which they all go to. They said make sure it is ours and


the red Lion pub 's owners, Fullers, have said no, sorry. OK, that is all


of artefacts, just time to share some of the stories we didn't have


time to get to, starting with you James. Mine is that this week the


favourite to become next president of France announced he not Hillary


Clinton. His lead in the polls subsequently plummeted and he ended


up coming second. Andy? This is that people in an online charity auction


have bid up to ?500 for a signed pair of Jeremy Corbyn's old shoes.


There is a left one and then a far left one! APPLAUSE


OK, that visit, that is all from us, we will be back next week, this has


No Such Thing As The News, goodbye. "Woman 'Entered By a Horse Spirit'


Gallops on All Fours Who knows where


it's going to take me? Maybe I'm related


to a few criminals. Wow!


A humorous look at the lesser-known events of the week. Who would ever have thought the news could be this much fun? With James Harkin, Andrew Hunter Murray, Anna Ptaszynski and Dan Schreiber.

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