Channel M Original Comedy Shorts

'Channel M.

'In our brand-new season, we drop in on The Undateables.

'Pete Hoffman has been unlucky in love for the past two years,

'but he's hoping tonight's date with Miley Cyrus will change all that.'

Like, if my fans are, like, liking the music and stuff

and it's really what it's all about, because I don't really, like,

read reviews, like, because, like, who cares what they think?

It's all about my fans and, you know, I've gone from, like, 12 million

to, like, 15 million on my Twitter, you know,

because like people are finally getting to hear my record,

and it's not just because I smoked a joint on stage, or whatever,

you know, like...

Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah...

Oh, God.

Dirty, ah, ah, ah.

Shine it, click it, ah, clean it, clean it, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, yeah...

Ooh, ooh, ooh.

My fans, like, know I'm an artist and if, like, people wanna talk about me

just because I show my titties, but I really don't care

because I'm, like, the biggest feminist in, like, the world

and, like, I don't even care.

I just wanna, like, tell people that they shouldn't be scared of me,

or end themselves

or, you know, like... But there's no reason not to be happy. Ah, ah!

As long as you're breathing and your fans are buying your record.

If you don't love me when I'm, like, smoking pot,

then how can you possibly love me

when I'm nailing my tits to the back of a van, you know? Agh, agh, agh!

'Coming soon to a TV screen in front of your face -

'12 famous faces take on the gruelling challenge

'of Celebrity Forward Roll.'

WHISTLE BLOWS

Just remind me - it's a just forward roll,

- isn't it? - Just a forward roll.

Oh, my God, my heart is beating, it's me adremalin.

OK, Amy, keep looking forward, focus.

You can do this.

Oh, shut up. It's easier said than done, though, isn't it?

It's the scariest thing I've ever done in my life.

- Amy, remember what I told you. - No, what did you tell me?

- Just concentrate. - I've got the hump.

- What?! - I've got the angry camel.

God, that's not a very good Amy Childs. No, not very talented.

I think she's pretty good, actually, rather pretty.

Pretty?! She looks like your mother.

Well, I think my mother is very pretty.

'And also...

'there are unmissable, heart-warming scenes in Educating Morgana.'

Right, own up. Which one of you nicked my sandwiches?

Don't know, might have done, can't remember, weren't me.

Don't know, can't remember, weren't me, might have done.

I don't even like sandwiches.

You don't like sandwiches?! Who don't like sandwiches?

I just said, I don't like sandwiches. I like pasta.

Pasta? What kind of pasta?

Like fuzzy pasta, like helter-skelter pasta.

I like Chinese. I prefer Chinese, me. I like lasagne, me.

Mr Steer likes lasagne.

You fancy Mr Steer, don't you? You wanna kiss his willy.

That's disgusting. I do not.

Anyway, it's not what he were asking. What were you asking?

Which one of you nicked my sandwiches?

- Don't know. - Weren't me.

Might have done.

'Coming up, the woman whose eyes are shot to shit...'

Hello.

'Also coming up on Channel M -

'it's the grime-tastic Benefits Cul-De-Sac.'

BRUMMIE ACCENT: Yes, so what?

I've got an iPhone - who gives a shit?

Well, how else I am supposed to order me Ocado?

What are you staring at?

Yeah, that's right.

Human beings are people as well, you know. Get off my street!

POSH ACCENT: Was that all right? Yeah?

Have we got it? Got everything you need?

Great, let's out of here.

This place stinks like an explosion in a shit factory.

Here's your iPhone.

'..The network premiere of Woman Vs Booze.'

I'm here at the famous Turk's Head

to take on this legendary double-dozen challenge.

SHOUTS OF ENCOURAGEMENT

SHE GROWLS

CHEERING

That's a victory for woman!

Shut up!

Right. Is that the time?

I'm going to go pick up the kids from school.

Bye. Get out my way. Bastards.

Some people have no class whatsoever.

SLURRED: I know. You'd think they'd have something better to do

than sit around drinking all day.