Frankie Boyle and Bob Mortimer's Cookery Show Original Comedy Shorts


Frankie Boyle and Bob Mortimer's Cookery Show

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Transcript


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Ahhh! Welcome to the funny, light, inclusive

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Cookery Funny Kitchen Fun Show

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featuring content.

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Where fun and food go shit-for-bust together.

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Yeah, they certainly do.

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Why are you washing your hands, Frankie?

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Because I'm a sex addict, Bob.

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Yeah. Just getting the last bits of residue off there.

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Just the top layer of residue.

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Lovely, I'm giving mine a wipe as well.

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So what are you cooking for us today, Frankie?

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- A Lancashire hotpot. - Mmm!

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There's a red light going off there, Bob.

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Let me explain. That is a viewer-feedback warning light,

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to let us know if we're reaching the required quota

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of social-media buzz and fun.

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I'm looking inside myself and I'm struggling to care about that.

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No, I can tell that, Frankie. But this hotpot sounds delicious,

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so, off you go.

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You're going to need a neck of lamb,

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some potatoes, carrots and peas.

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- There's a little green light now. - Yeah.

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Now, that is a different viewer-response buzzer light.

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That indicates that that list of ingredients that you just gave

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was a potentially informative bridge in the show.

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But not enough to actually ward off

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the lack of positive social-media-buzz warning light.

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I wasn't warned about this system of supervisory...lighting.

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No, you weren't. And I wasn't told about the use of peas.

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That's a bit of a downer, isn't it?

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Tell me about it, mate, it's a sickener.

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Yeah. Wasn't there something else you could have used?

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A broad bean, a kidney bean? Something like that.

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I fucking wish, but...

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Unless you want me to mislead the viewers?

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I would hate you to do that, Frankie.

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- Well, it's peas, then. - Frankie, this doesn't mean

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that you're endorsing the use of peas more generally, does it?

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- Does it fuck! - Oh, right.

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Is that little blue light cos I swore?

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That's a presenter-chemistry monitor.

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It's indicating that our banter is warm and inclusive.

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AND informative.

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But lacking in fun.

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Let's try and address that, Frankie.

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Just go with me on this one.

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I know exactly what you're going to say next.

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What am I going to say next?

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Garibaldi.

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Garibaldi?

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Ah-ha!

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That was a lot of fun.

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It was terrific fun, wasn't it?

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Shall we see how it did?

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No, it's not reacting.

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No response at all.

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It's just like we're talking to a dead culture.

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Never mind, we took a punt and it didn't land. It didn't land.

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So, back to the recipe.

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For the recipe you want to heat up a little olive oil,

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and add to that the garlic, the onions and the carrots.

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What about the peas, Frankie?

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Just shut up about the peas.

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- OK, I already have. - And you do those

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until the whole thing has been browned off.

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Brassed Off was a movie.

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Why would anybody say that?

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But I'm excited that you did.

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And then you can add the lamb, some seasoning,

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and about half a litre of stock.

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Stock, yeah. I notice you still haven't used the peas, Frankie.

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I like a man that speaks his mind.

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No, you hate people like that.

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(Shut your fucking mouth.)

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OK.

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Will do.

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These peas, Frankie...

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You know what, Frankie, I just want to piss on them.

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I can't let you do that, Bob.

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That would be fucking anomalous.

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I hear you, bro. I hear you, bro.

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Potatoes-wise, you want a very waxy potato, maybe a Desiree,

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and you want to slice that as thinly as you possibly can.

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I see you're using a knife there, Frankie.

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Could you, if you wanted, as an alternative,

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use a very hard, thin sheet of paper?

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Would that work?

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It would have to be a very thin, very hard piece of paper.

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Yeah. No, that's what I'm thinking.

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Well, I'd look into that,

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but for now I think I'll just use the knife.

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Yeah, it just seems a little bit old-hat now.

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HE SHRIEKS AND CRIES Frankie....

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HE YELPS Frankie. Frankie!

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Frankie, pull yourself together.

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What is it, Frankie? Is it the peas,

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or is it the thought that the knife might be on the brink of extinction?

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It's the peas.

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It's the peas, it's always the peas.

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ALARM BEEPS

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What does this mean?

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That's the final word, Frankie.

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The Fun Cookery Funny Kitchen Show

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has not delivered on any level of social-media response,

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and I'm afraid it's over.

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SIREN WAILS

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What did people want?

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Me, naked, lowering my balls onto a Curly Wurly?!

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BING!

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Yes. Yes!

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Comedy short featuring Bob Mortimer and Frankie Boyle. Frankie shows Bob his recipe for Lancashire Hot Pot, but runs into trouble when the show fails to deliver its quota of fun, education and social media buzz.


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