Matt Berry: Lone Wolf Original Comedy Shorts


Matt Berry: Lone Wolf

An alternative nature documentary, following the life and struggles of wild wolves as they attempt to hunt down a herd of elk. Narrated by Matt Berry and full of fruity language.


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Transcript


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This is a story about one of nature's top predators, the wolf,

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and how it uses stamina, intelligence

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and tenacity to survive.

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The wolf.

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Each wolf has a mental map,

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a picture library showing them pictures

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of the kind of prey that they need to eat.

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Big-horned sheep are weird fuckers, but tasty.

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Moose are solitary,

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but stink to high heaven - a risky target.

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Today, they are hunting for elk

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and after hours of waiting,

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the alpha male makes his move.

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After spotting nothing obviously soppy,

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it's time to get closer to take a look.

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Look at this keen-eyed fucker.

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They make no attempt to hide as they approach.

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To be honest, they couldn't give a flying fuck.

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The wolves split up and assess the herd.

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Where are the weak ones?

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Where are the shit-brained ones?

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Where are the yellow-bellied bell-ends?

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Many liken the elk's behaviour to be that of gay.

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- Camel. - "Hello."

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Suddenly, one of the young male wolves

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has seen a female and a calf on her own.

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He runs to check them out.

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But she's a feisty tart, though.

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This mother has got attitude,

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buckets full of it.

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The wolf can go and fuck himself, as far as she's concerned.

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"Fuck off!" she says, and away they go.

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The alpha female has picked out a nervous calf,

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and could be dyslexic, it's got wondering brain.

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The elk are furious and therefore glow red.

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Their long legs allow them to run easily on the snow.

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For the wolf, though,

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it's a real shit-sack, sapping their energy.

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That's 1-0 to the elk.

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But hold on, this light, young female wolf

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has given chase on higher ground

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where the snow is not so deep.

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The others take this example on board

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and accelerate quickly

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to 40 miles per wolf-hour!

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The wolves have to split this fucking herd up.

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Invisible to the elk,

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they actually run through the pack's territorial barrier.

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Suddenly, the alpha female spots something

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and locks onto a young calf.

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The elk looks young and fit,

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so what is it she can see that we can't?

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It is clear the elk is lame,

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it's as crippled as shit.

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Its back knee is shot to fuck.

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It's a kind of arthritis,

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but in an elk, not in a human being.

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It was probably caused

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when she was fighting a black elk, in a black area.

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But the female now is locked on,

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there is nowhere for the elk to hide with his SHITTY LEG!

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He tries to blame it on the other members of the herd,

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but the wolves are having none of it.

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They hunt, they search, they cry,

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they bring that fucker down.

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Ah, I hope you enjoyed that documentary.

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Since I made that, I've made another one about mice,

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er, which I hope you'll get to see at some point as well.

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An alternative nature documentary, following the life and struggles of wild wolves as they attempt to hunt down a herd of elk. Narrated by Matt Berry and full of fruity language.


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