Micky Flanagan's Foxageddon Original Comedy Shorts

SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYS

How many time have I told you?

I hate foxes. Told you not to come round here, didn't I?

No, I ain't coming with you - you're going somewhere else, son.

Micky, wake up, you bloody idiot.

Oof! Sorry, babe.

- Sorry for what? - I've killed the fox.

You've been dreaming.

The fox took a shit on Jamie's ball last night.

- Did it? - Yes, it did, it is very much alive.

If you'd put the ball in the shed like I told you to...

I had a couple of, er, bottles... glasses of wine.

Right, OK. Well, I've got to go and do the school run now, all right?

Before you go, here's an idea for you...

Mm-hm?

Do you fancy jumping back into this bed when you get back?

No chance. I've got too much to do, you can wait until tonight.

It don't really work like that for men!

What is the point, eh?

You don't stop giving, you get nothing back.

Waste of time.

You arsehole.

CAMERA WHIRS

Oi! Boom-shack-a-lacka.

Now you know who's the guv'nor round here.

CAMERA WHIRS

CLASSICAL PIANO MUSIC PLAYS

STATION CHANGES

MUSIC: "Fox On The Run" by The Sweet

FOX LAUGHS

SAUCE SQUELCHES

DOOR CLOSES

I've just seen Harry from next door.

His pet fox is dead.

Someone smashed its head in.

Maybe it ran into a wall, or something.

Yeah, well, they're going through the CCTV footage,

see if they can spot anything.

Oh, yeah, good idea.

Poor Harry, he loves animals.

Yeah, it's people he don't like, though, ain't it?

Yeah. Well, I hope they find who did it.

Yeah.

Yeah, take care, bye.

Who was that?

The Old Bill.

They've got footage of me

in my underpants in the garden.

They think I killed the fox.

What were you doing in the garden in your pants?

You know what you asked me to the other day -

you said the gardener told you,

"Get your husband to piss in the garden first thing in the morning

"cos that when it's strongest, keeps the foxes away." Yeah?

I meant piss into a watering can

and sprinkle it on the garden.

You know I can't get my knob in the end of a watering can,

you of all people know that.

If a man can't piss in his own garden, what can he do?

What, are we living in a police state here or something?

RADIO: 'Reports say that the fox was killed with a blow to the head.

'Police have questioned a 48-year-old man

'and are in the process of examining CCTV footage of the incident.

'Now on to the day's business news...'

HE TURNS RADIO OFF

TV: '..And if anyone recognises these underpants,

'please phone Crimestoppers.'

SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYS

'I've known Micky Flanagan for about five years.

'A perfectly nice guy,

'but he's got a bit of a temper on him

'and he hates foxes.

'That's him in a nutshell.'

'In terms of a threat, I can tell you

'that you're 62 times more likely to be bitten by a person than a fox.'

'I'm here because I,

'as a human-rights campaigner,

'believe in due process,

'in freedom of expression, and in justice.'

'You're allowed to use what's called reasonable force.

'But there is some doubt, I think, in people's minds,

'and sometimes in the minds of the court,

'what reasonable force really...'

TV: 'Putin is holding back judgement

'until he knows if the fox is a homosexual.'

'I haven't met him, I've spoken to him on the phone.

'He has been a stalwart ally,

'in many respects, to the United states.

'He has sustained peace...'

TRANSLATION FROM KOREAN:

Trust him to get on the bandwagon!

Typical.

Ponce.

RADIO: 'No-one could have expected

'that a tin of beans and a fox could have brought the world...'

Right, Micky, you have got to sort this out.

Half the neighbours aren't talking to me

and someone's written "foxy lady" on the side of the car down at school.

Look, did you kill the fox?

Yes, yes.

In my dream.

Well, you have got to stand up for yourself, then. OK?

And you're sleeping down here tonight.

Yeah, and I'm sleeping down here tonight!

(She can't talk to me like that.)

So I'm the bad guy, am I?

Yeah, I killed that fox,

but you have no idea what I've been through.

I've made a list of the reasons I'm a good person.

When we were kids

and we went to play over the rail yard

and we were chased away by a man,

my friend Tony pooed his pants.

Everyone was laughing at him.

I didn't laugh.

I made him take those pants off,

I swung 'em around my head and I threw 'em on the garage roof.

And then went to Woolworths and got him a new pair.

Is that the act of a bad person?

On the way home from work one day

I saw a crow in a doorway.

It wasn't flying, it wasn't even walking.

I put it in a box,

I was going to take it to the vet.

But I went to the pub

and when I come out it was dead.

That's not the point.

At least I was caring about the crow.

I sent £10 off to Live Aid in 1985.

I turned Africa around.

Is that the act of a bad person?

RADIO: 'Morning, everyone.

'Hello, hello, hello...'

MICKY: 'My friend Tony pooed his pants,

'everyone was laughing at him.

'I didn't laugh.

'I made him take those pants off.'

RADIO: '..And the year right this morning...'

STATION CHANGES

RADIO: 'More people are coming out in support of the fox-slayer,

'and a police spokesperson has stated

'that he does not envisage there being a prosecution in this case.'

STATION CHANGES

RADIO: 'A spokesman for the Queen has confirmed

'Her Majesty herself once threw a horseshoe at a fox

'that was pestering one of her swans.

STATION CHANGES

RADIO: 'The Dalai Lama has said

'that Flanagan will definitely come back as a hunted animal,

'and that, in life, he will know the true nature of suffering.

'He also wants to try a can of baked beans.'

You've heard about the confession, then?

Do you want me just to go?

Are you kidding?

You're my hero, Micky. You finally killed that fox!

You know how much I like it when you go all Ray Winstone.

Now get up those stairs, you sexy beast.

I am the luckiest girl in the world.

You have won the lottery.

Yeah, I wouldn't go that far!

I think so, I think we can go that far.

No, I wouldn't go quite that far.

THEY GIGGLE

MUSIC: "Sexual Healing" by Marvin Gaye

# Ooh

# Baby

# I'm hot just like an oven

# I need some lovin'

# And baby

# I can't hold it much longer

# It's getting stronger and stronger

# And when I get that feelin'

# I want sexual healing... #