Age Our Friend Victoria

Vic was inspirational.

There was no-one like her.

I look all right tonight cos I've been dressed, you know.

Normally, I look like I've just stumbled up an embankment

after a derailment. LAUGHTER

Her appeal is huge, and that's what I think is so clever.

"Kelly Marie Tunstall, have you switched that cover

"I couldn't get off that ironing board?"

LAUGHTER

Inspiring, funny...

genius, unique.

Yes, that's much better.

If we deliver these antiques on Friday morning,

we can take delivery of these antiques in the afternoon.

She's probably the best writer of a gag that I ever worked with.

But those aren't flat.

LAUGHTER

Flatter now.

I just want to be in that gang.

How do I get in the gang?

Hello. LAUGHTER

I'm looking for me friend.

Kimberley.

She was one of us.

And we wanted to have her as a friend.

Vic and I made each other laugh, a lot.

That's what drew us together, really.

Seeing the funny side of life.

She loved watching people and their comings and goings.

And she'd just turn ordinary situations

into extraordinary comedy.

That's why I loved working with her.

Actually, she's probably up there now watching me, in case I cock up.

But she was an absolute powerhouse of creativity.

A multi-award-winning comedian,

actress, singer, songwriter,

director, stand-up and sketch writer.

And she gave me some of the funniest characters I've ever performed.

So it's my absolute pleasure to present this programme -

a celebration of the finest work of Our Friend Victoria.

Tonight, I am looking at Vic's take on age.

Over the last 40 years, she's written about deaf old grannies,

middle-aged women in the middle of a midlife crisis,

and, of course, teenagers.

She was a master at exploring teenage angst.

I wouldn't be an adolescent again if you bumped my pocket money

up to three and six. LAUGHTER

It's like you're going along quite happily - nine, ten, 11 -

and suddenly this sort of dial inside you

clicks over from fun to grease.

Everybody in my school had really greasy hair.

We made sealskin look dry and unmanageable.

LAUGHTER

Because nobody used to wash it. Well, they washed it once a week,

on Friday nights.

So by Wednesday dinner time, there was enough oil about

to heat six radiators and a towel rail.

And if we went swimming in the sea without our caps on,

they were hosing down seagulls with Fairy Liquid for weeks.

LAUGHTER

And we never used to take showers after games.

So many people had body odour

they had to make it part of the school uniform.

Carl, when we get married, where will we live?

Well, we're living in me mam's sideboard, aren't we?

Yeah, but after that, should we have a house?

Nah. Penthouse flat.

-What's that?

-It's got fur rugs, hasn't it?

What colour?

Well, it depends, doesn't it?

If it's off an animal,

it'll be animal-coloured, won't it?

Or there's orange.

LAUGHTER

-Where is it?

-What?

This flat.

Well, they're all in London, aren't they?

And there's two in the Isle of Man.

LAUGHTER

Is that the same as France?

France is abroad, isn't it?

They have different bread and all sorts.

Different Allsorts?

LAUGHTER

-You mean not liquorice?

-Eh?

-Anyway, they're on t'roof.

-What?

Penthouse flats.

Well, I'm not living on a roof.

Me knitting will roll into t'guttering.

Vic had the ability to eke out and bring out into the light

that naivete that even... That every teenager has.

I said, "I'll have a pint of Babycham,

"some pork scratchings and a yellow cherry.

"And if I'm not here when you get back,

"I'll be in toilet putting hide 'n' heel on me love bites."

-You didn't?

-I did.

So I come out of toilets, he says, "Hey, scallop face,

"your skirt's all caught up in your knickers at the back."

"I pity you. Do you know why?" "Why?"

"Must be the latest fashion, I read it in a book."

He says, "What book?" I said, "Vogue, that's what book."

LAUGHTER

He says, "Oh, likely, likely, when do you read Vogue?"

"When I'm in hospital having exploratory surgery, that's when."

-He said, "Oh."

-He didn't?

-He did.

LAUGHTER

Vic's beautiful face with her funny one tooth on that side

that is so cute.

Even when she was, you know, well into her 50s,

that teenage face was still there when she played it.

It kind of opened up.

My very favourite sketch is Vic as a 12-year-old with delusions

of being able to swim the English Channel, and she was so convincing.

I mean, give her a cuddly toy and a swimming cap

and suddenly she's 20 years younger.

14 sugars, please, thank you.

This is Miranda.

And this is Samantha.

And this is my bear, Mr Teddy.

I'll probably take him to bed with me tonight.

I don't usually, but tonight, I might.

And these are my cups, trophies.

-INTERVIEWER:

-Are you worried about tomorrow?

Well, I am in a way because...

I've never swum such a long way, and some of it's in the dark.

And I don't really like the dark.

And if I do get to t'French coast,

I don't talk French very well, so...

I don't do French, I do woodwork.

LAUGHTER

I know a few bits.

Bonjour and aujourd'hui.

Do you think you'll make it?

I don't know.

I'll do double prayers tonight anyways.

-Night, Dad.

-Night.

Well, it's the night before your daughter swims the Channel.

Any misgivings?

I don't think so. Have we, Cliff?

No.

No, she's as strong as an ox.

You'll be in the backup boat, presumably?

Well, no, actually, Joan and I are popping down to London for the day.

You know, sort of day out shopping.

We'll probably take in a show.

We hear Cats is very good.

Or any of the Andrew Lloyd Webber things, really, would be nice.

LAUGHTER

LAUGHTER

-INTERVIEWER:

-There's a problem.

There's no support vessel, no officials, nobody.

Chrissie's entirely alone.

-Are you still going to go, Chrissie?

-Yeah, I think so.

I might as well.

Me friend Marie's in Kidderminster today,

so I haven't got anybody to play with anyway.

-What about food and drink?

-Well...

I've got a sandwich box, so I think they'll stay dry.

And I've got some little milkshakes in cartons.

I think they'll be all right.

And, see, I can put me duffle bag round me neck like this.

But what about finding the French coast?

I think I'll find it all right, thank you.

I came fourth in geography, 81%.

-What time is it?

-7:55.

Five to eight?

Off I go, then.

That was eight days ago

and Chrissie hasn't yet reached land.

No-one seems to know where she is.

Oh, I'm sure she'll turn up eventually.

Slow but sure, that's our Chrissie.

Yeah, she's probably just swimming about looking for a nice beach.

Ice creams and donkeys - you know how kids are.

What do your other children think about it all?

-Oh, I'd forgotten that we had any other children.

-LAUGHTER

-Oh, I don't know where they are.

-LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Vic struck gold when she penned the sitcom Dinnerladies.

Writing fabulous young characters,

extraordinary middle-aged eccentrics, and old - namely me -

grannies, because she cast me as her rather decrepit old mum.

And at the time, we were the same age virtually.

The cheek of it.

-Ta-da!

-LAUGHTER

You're on your own, kid.

I'm back!

New venue, new caravan,

new kidney.

That's a long story. I do beg your pardon, Reg.

This is my daughter - born Christmas Eve,

so we called her Brenda.

LAUGHTER

This is Reg. Did I say?

Go and look at their snacks, Reg.

Reg does snacks at the petrol station.

My caravan's on his forecourt.

He's cute, isn't he?

Like an Asian Roger Moore.

LAUGHTER

Just seeing her play her mum,

I mean, that was just so brilliant.

Petula Gordino, what a character.

I mean, Julie did get the best lines.

I'm back.

And this will tickle you.

I'm pregnant.

LAUGHTER

It was wonderful casting.

I mean, real honour to be working with people like that,

because so experienced

and so good at the comedy.

Nobody's ordered an old lady, have they?

LAUGHTER

No-one has ticked the wrong box in the Help the Aged catalogue?

-Are you all right?

-Yes, thank you.

Shall I give her a biscuit?

Don't go too near,

there could be two slapheads under that blanket.

LAUGHTER

Do you mean smackheads?

There could be two drug addicts under there, ready to leap out.

They'd have to be pretty small.

Vic rang me and said,

"How do you fancy working with Thelma Barlow?"

She'd seen Thelma and I together, fooling about,

because we've been friends for a long time.

And I said, "Yeah, it'd be great."

And apparently, she rang Thelma, you know,

and said, "Would you like to work with Annie?"

I mean, she might have said no.

In which case, we would have been in trouble.

-Twink, what's the soup?

-Minestrone.

Why don't you put it on the menu?

-Can't spell it.

-LAUGHTER

I first met Victoria when I got this phone call saying,

"You've got an audition." "Oh, my God, I've got an audition.

"I've got an audition, how exciting.

"I didn't think that would happen."

And they said, "It's for this new sitcom

"by Victoria Wood." And I couldn't believe it.

And I just thought, "I'm going to go and sit

"in the same room as Victoria Wood."

That was sort of enough, really.

I'm not a dinosaur.

I quite like women, in a sad, baffled sort of way.

LAUGHTER

But can we please get a grip?

Out of a workforce of five, at any given moment one will have

premenstrual tension, one's panicking because she's not,

someone's having a hot flush, and someone else is having

a nervous breakdown cos their HRT patch

has fallen in the minestrone.

LAUGHTER

That was a one-off.

LAUGHTER

Do you know, it was a joy for me,

cos it was my first big job, really.

So I was turning up and reading with all these people I'd been

watching on television for the last, I don't know, 20 years or something.

So it was quite nerve-racking.

But once you started working with them, they were fine.

Everyone was helpful and everything.

But it was a joy for me.

I made a list of all me bras last night.

Did you? Why, how many have you got?

17.

Then I divided my knickers into work, casual and evening.

LAUGHTER

Do you ever do that?

No, but I tell you what I do do -

I take all the labels off me tins,

then I don't know what I'm having for me tea.

LAUGHTER

Just the idea of meeting Victoria

was astounding to me.

But I met her in the basement

of the...of Granada Studios,

by the big boiler pipes.

And I just remember her sitting there,

and I was just thinking, "I am sitting in front of Victoria Wood."

And that, to me, was one of the greatest things ever.

She was, erm...

my hero.

My comedy hero.

Hey, how are you doing? You're looking great.

I'm really well.

Got away with just one little haemorrhoid.

LAUGHTER

Did you?

The hardest point for me, personally,

in my story - Anita's story -

was talking about piles.

I mean, how brilliant for an actor of colour

to stand there and talk about piles

and not some, you know,

something to do with her culture?

My cousin had three big ones, sort of in a cluster.

LAUGHTER

LAUGHTER CONTINUES

I'm just having a fag.

When it came to middle-aged woes, Vic's stand-up

brought the house down.

She was never afraid to share stories about her ovaries,

her menopause, or her failing eyesight.

APPLAUSE

You know, I've been thinking about giving it up,

you know, being a stand-up comedian.

I was thinking about stopping doing it.

AUDIENCE BOOS

No, not, tonight, I'll wait till you've gone home, but...

LAUGHTER

I don't want to get too middle-aged to do it.

Cos I've got really middle-aged lately.

I can't read the paper, I'm doing this with the paper now.

I can't really read it unless the woman in the house across the

street holds it up at the bedroom window.

And I can't read A to Z.

I can't read the small streets.

If you don't live on a main road, I'm not coming to see you.

LAUGHTER

And I can't thread a needle.

One of my children changed schools a bit ago.

And I had all these name tags to sew on.

I've got the needle, and I've got the thread.

I'm like this...

LAUGHTER

I said, "Right, you're not going to that school now."

No, but you don't want to get...

You don't want to get too old and out of touch to do it, do you?

I don't want to do all of that sort of terrible boasting that people

do when they get old.

If you ever see Raquel Welch on a chat show,

she always has to say, "These are my own breasts, you know."

I'd be coming on and saying, "Still got my own hips."

LAUGHTER

I used to do a thing in my show,

I used to say, "I knew when I was getting older when I went past

a rack of Dr Scholl sandals and went, "Oh, they look comfy."

LAUGHTER

Now, I'm going past going, "Oh, too modern, too modern."

The fantastic thing about Vic

was that she talked about women's issues.

And confronted them for all of us.

And would talk about bladder problems,

would talk about fallopian tubes,

the menopause - was fearless...

and wildly funny.

And it was just brilliant

to have that voice throughout youth

and into middle-age.

At the time, you know, I just put it down to the menopause, you know,

cos I was that age and I put everything down to the menopause now -

tiredness, irritability,

global warming. LAUGHTER

Well, it could be, couldn't it?

280 Eskimos all having a hot flush at the same time. Whoa!

And I was used to going a bit mad, you know, once a month.

I was used to all that.

I was used to that cycle. You're all right, getting your period,

got your period, "I love you, I hate you, I'm really sorry."

And I'd identified a little mini cycle within that

when you go like this cos you're ovulating.

"I'm all right, I've got my period, I've had my period, I'm really sorry..."

LAUGHTER

And I thought, "Well, that's all right. I have all that.

"Then that'll stop, and then I'll get my menopause."

But what I didn't realise was, you get all this - "I'm having my period..." -

and at the same time, you get your menopause coming the other way.

LAUGHTER

So you go, "I'm getting my period, I've had my period, I'm ovulating,

"is it hot, or is it me?" LAUGHTER

"What have I come in here for?"

Humour is the best way to stop something being scary.

And to stop something being taboo.

And to make it OK to talk about,

and that's what she understood.

And also, she would write about her experience.

And her way of processing stuff would be to make it funny.

It got so bad with me that, in the end,

there was only 17 minutes in a month...

LAUGHTER

..when anybody could get any sense out of me.

So they are all queueing up for those 17 minutes.

They know I'll be nice and reasonable and won't burst into tears.

They're all queueing - carol singers in April.

# Deck the halls... # "Yes, come in."

I've got those men who go door-to-door selling the dusters.

"Yes, I'll have your dusters.

"And your ironing board cover - anything you like."

My children are queueing up. "Can I go to Ibiza even though I'm only 12?"

"Yes, of course you can, my darling."

"Can I have another two Game Boys?" "Yes, darling."

My husband's at the back of the queue. "Hurry up, hurry up."

LAUGHTER

"Yes?" "Can we have sex tonight?"

"Oh, ping, time's up. What have I come in here for?" LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Victoria's comedy had a warmth.

It appealed to more or less everyone,

including those handing out the awards.

I mean, she had a shelf full of them that creaked like one of

Mrs Overall's hips.

And by the way,

I loved playing Mrs O.

Even though, yet again, of course, she'd made me old.

Rowena?

From Kuwait?

Hello?

Hello?

Darn.

Oh, sorry, Mrs Overall.

Here's your coffee, Miss Babs.

What's wrong now?

Oh, nothing.

Just a rather mysterious phone call from the Far East.

Well, sometimes that's God's way of telling you

to think on and look sharp.

You're right.

Gosh, I am awful.

Here I am blabbing away about my own troubles,

and I forgot to ask you about your husband's car crash.

-Oh, he's dead, Miss Babs.

-LAUGHTER

Yes, in fact, I was going to ask you if I could have

a couple of hours off on Thursday for the funeral?

Of course.

Just pop back at five for the hoovering.

What happened?

His heart stopped beating.

LAUGHTER

Yes, well, sometimes that's God's way of telling you you're dead.

Never mind, it's bingo tonight.

Every time I watch it, I can't work out what age Julie Walters is.

Like, I really can't tell if she's 20 or 90.

Every single time, because she's hunched over, and she's coming

in with her tray,

and she's kind of wobbling around all the time.

And you look at everything around her,

and she has the body of a 90-year-old,

and then you actually look at her face,

and it's the most beautiful 20-year-old's face in the world.

And it's...it's quite a wonder.

Mm, your macaroons smell delicious.

Yes, Mrs O, you sample the first one.

Well, yes. I will.

But just in case something should happen

when I bite into it...

FORLORN PIANO PLAYS

..I'd just like to say what I feel

for Acorn Antiques...

and the folks what work there.

I'm only a simple woman.

Got no O levels or life-saving certificates.

I've never been abroad,

or fully participated in a summit conference.

LAUGHTER

But I've got feelings.

and what I feel for you, Miss Babs,

and you, Miss Berta...

..is nothing more or less than plain, simple...

..cove. Love.

She's choking on her own macaroon!

Quick, get Dr Wimley, the family doctor!

I can't, he's being blackmailed in the Sudan.

Oh, darn.

Well, quite frankly, Berta, as far as Mrs O is concerned,

it's far too late.

MRS O GASPS

Are we on? I thought that went quite well, didn't you?

-MAN:

-(Still on air!)

-LAUGHTER

Now, don't get me wrong, I loved playing old women, mainly

because it made Vic laugh and that's all I ever wanted to do, actually.

Make Vic laugh. So, here we go again.

-Legs 11!

-Why'd he say that?

-What?

Legs! He said legs.

It's what they say.

There's enough legs at home. That's why we come out.

To get away from legs!

-LAUGHTER Pack it in, Mum.

-Well, he wants to watch his mouth.

-Just cross 'em off!

-What do you mean, cross?

-Shhh!

-Two Fat Ladies, 88.

-Ooh, that's nice!

What's nice?

-Where are they?

-Who?

-Ooh, THERE they are!

LAUGHTER

Oi! Ignore him!

They could lose a bit of weight that they ain't fat!

-Mum!

-Well, what does he know?

On its own, doctor's orders, number nine.

House!

-Why'd she shout "house"?

-She's won, she got a full house.

Oh, we've got a full house since Bill come home.

I don't go shouting about it.

-She got five in a row, so she gets the jackpot.

-I got five in a row.

-When?

-Hours back!

-Oh, Mum!

-I don't know why people play this. Oi! You ain't fat!

-Cheeky blighter.

-LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Now, this next sketch needs no introduction.

But I'm going to introduce it anyway.

It's called Waitress, and not Two Soups, as most people think.

APPLAUSE

I will never tire of watching the soup sketch but it fascinates

me how we ever managed to get through it without laughing,

because we never ever did in rehearsals.

-Ready to order, Sir? Madam?

-Jane?

Erm, yes, what's the soup of the day, please?

I'll just go and find out.

LAUGHTER

-What time's your train?

-25 to.

-Oh, well, that's not too bad.

LAUGHTER

LAUGHTER

'Julie has this wonderful way of surprising you.'

You know, she won't show you what she's going to do until she does it.

So, it kind of...

HE CHUCKLES

There is a...it was just the most wonderful experience - to

actually keep a straight face was a little bit tricky now and again.

Ready to order, sir?

-Madam?

-Yes, I want to know what the soup of the day was.

That's right.

No, I've forgotten.

LAUGHTER

I'll just go and check. Won't be one moment.

'If you watch our mouths,

'you'll realise they were hanging on for grim death not to laugh.'

'The length of time'

that it all took was, you had to hold your breath.

I don't think anybody had sort of dared write such a thing,

you see, that's what was so clever about her.

-We'll have two soups!

-Two soups.

LAUGHTER

One...

Soup...

And...

Another... Soup...

Right away, sir.

LAUGHTER

When we rehearsed it, we thought, we're never going to get through this.

But we said, we've got to do it in one take.

Otherwise, we're knackered.

LAUGHTER

AUDIENCE HOOTS WITH LAUGHTER

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

-Two soups.

-LAUGHTER

So often, you have a brilliant sketch but it doesn't quite,

you get, you think, "Aw, this is brilliant," but it doesn't quite finish.

But the very end...

Hope you enjoyed your meal, sir.

No tip?

-Bastards!

-LAUGHTER

So, there you have it.

That was my friend and our friend, Victoria.

So, shall we end on a song?

I think that'd be nice.

It's my favourite.

A song which Victoria wrote just for me -

Fourteen Again.

And who'd want to be that?

APPLAUSE

# I want to be fourteen again

# When sex was just called number ten

# And I was up to seven and a half

# Boys were for love, girls were for fun

# You burst out laughing if you saw a nun

# Sophistication was a sports car and a chiffon scarf

# I want to be fourteen again

# Tattoo myself with a fountain pen

# Pretend to like the taste of rum and Coke

# Chuck my school hat in a bush

# Spit on my mascara brush

# Buy Consulate and teach myself to smoke

# I want to be fourteen again

# Free rides on the waltzers off the fairground men

# For a promise of a snog, the last night of the fair

# French kissing as the kiosks shut

# Behind the generators with your coconut

# The coloured lights reflected in the Brylcreem on his hair

# I want to be fourteen again

# For all the things I didn't know then

# When I was funny, I was famous

# I was never ignored

# I was a crazy girl, I had a laugh

# I had Ilya Kuriakin's autograph

# I had no idea

# You could wake up

# Feeling bored. #

APPLAUSE

Hello. Well, the nights are getting

a little bit darker a little bit sooner,

and also the mornings are staying a little bit less light for quite

a little bit longer, so...

I've forgotten what I was going to say. Darn.