Age Our Friend Victoria


Age

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Vic was inspirational.

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There was no-one like her.

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I look all right tonight cos I've been dressed, you know.

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Normally, I look like I've just stumbled up an embankment

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after a derailment. LAUGHTER

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Her appeal is huge, and that's what I think is so clever.

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"Kelly Marie Tunstall, have you switched that cover

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"I couldn't get off that ironing board?"

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LAUGHTER

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Inspiring, funny...

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genius, unique.

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Yes, that's much better.

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If we deliver these antiques on Friday morning,

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we can take delivery of these antiques in the afternoon.

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She's probably the best writer of a gag that I ever worked with.

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But those aren't flat.

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LAUGHTER

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Flatter now.

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I just want to be in that gang.

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How do I get in the gang?

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Hello. LAUGHTER

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I'm looking for me friend.

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Kimberley.

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She was one of us.

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And we wanted to have her as a friend.

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Vic and I made each other laugh, a lot.

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That's what drew us together, really.

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Seeing the funny side of life.

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She loved watching people and their comings and goings.

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And she'd just turn ordinary situations

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into extraordinary comedy.

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That's why I loved working with her.

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Actually, she's probably up there now watching me, in case I cock up.

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But she was an absolute powerhouse of creativity.

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A multi-award-winning comedian,

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actress, singer, songwriter,

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director, stand-up and sketch writer.

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And she gave me some of the funniest characters I've ever performed.

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So it's my absolute pleasure to present this programme -

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a celebration of the finest work of Our Friend Victoria.

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Tonight, I am looking at Vic's take on age.

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Over the last 40 years, she's written about deaf old grannies,

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middle-aged women in the middle of a midlife crisis,

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and, of course, teenagers.

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She was a master at exploring teenage angst.

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I wouldn't be an adolescent again if you bumped my pocket money

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up to three and six. LAUGHTER

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It's like you're going along quite happily - nine, ten, 11 -

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and suddenly this sort of dial inside you

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clicks over from fun to grease.

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Everybody in my school had really greasy hair.

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We made sealskin look dry and unmanageable.

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LAUGHTER

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Because nobody used to wash it. Well, they washed it once a week,

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on Friday nights.

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So by Wednesday dinner time, there was enough oil about

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to heat six radiators and a towel rail.

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And if we went swimming in the sea without our caps on,

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they were hosing down seagulls with Fairy Liquid for weeks.

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LAUGHTER

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And we never used to take showers after games.

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So many people had body odour

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they had to make it part of the school uniform.

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Carl, when we get married, where will we live?

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Well, we're living in me mam's sideboard, aren't we?

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Yeah, but after that, should we have a house?

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Nah. Penthouse flat.

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-What's that?

-It's got fur rugs, hasn't it?

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What colour?

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Well, it depends, doesn't it?

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If it's off an animal,

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it'll be animal-coloured, won't it?

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Or there's orange.

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LAUGHTER

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-Where is it?

-What?

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This flat.

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Well, they're all in London, aren't they?

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And there's two in the Isle of Man.

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LAUGHTER

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Is that the same as France?

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France is abroad, isn't it?

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They have different bread and all sorts.

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Different Allsorts?

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LAUGHTER

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-You mean not liquorice?

-Eh?

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-Anyway, they're on t'roof.

-What?

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Penthouse flats.

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Well, I'm not living on a roof.

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Me knitting will roll into t'guttering.

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Vic had the ability to eke out and bring out into the light

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that naivete that even... That every teenager has.

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I said, "I'll have a pint of Babycham,

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"some pork scratchings and a yellow cherry.

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"And if I'm not here when you get back,

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"I'll be in toilet putting hide 'n' heel on me love bites."

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-You didn't?

-I did.

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So I come out of toilets, he says, "Hey, scallop face,

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"your skirt's all caught up in your knickers at the back."

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"I pity you. Do you know why?" "Why?"

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"Must be the latest fashion, I read it in a book."

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He says, "What book?" I said, "Vogue, that's what book."

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LAUGHTER

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He says, "Oh, likely, likely, when do you read Vogue?"

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"When I'm in hospital having exploratory surgery, that's when."

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-He said, "Oh."

-He didn't?

-He did.

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LAUGHTER

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Vic's beautiful face with her funny one tooth on that side

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that is so cute.

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Even when she was, you know, well into her 50s,

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that teenage face was still there when she played it.

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It kind of opened up.

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My very favourite sketch is Vic as a 12-year-old with delusions

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of being able to swim the English Channel, and she was so convincing.

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I mean, give her a cuddly toy and a swimming cap

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and suddenly she's 20 years younger.

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14 sugars, please, thank you.

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This is Miranda.

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And this is Samantha.

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And this is my bear, Mr Teddy.

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I'll probably take him to bed with me tonight.

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I don't usually, but tonight, I might.

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And these are my cups, trophies.

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-INTERVIEWER:

-Are you worried about tomorrow?

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Well, I am in a way because...

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I've never swum such a long way, and some of it's in the dark.

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And I don't really like the dark.

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And if I do get to t'French coast,

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I don't talk French very well, so...

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I don't do French, I do woodwork.

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LAUGHTER

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I know a few bits.

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Bonjour and aujourd'hui.

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Do you think you'll make it?

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I don't know.

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I'll do double prayers tonight anyways.

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-Night, Dad.

-Night.

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Well, it's the night before your daughter swims the Channel.

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Any misgivings?

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I don't think so. Have we, Cliff?

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No.

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No, she's as strong as an ox.

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You'll be in the backup boat, presumably?

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Well, no, actually, Joan and I are popping down to London for the day.

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You know, sort of day out shopping.

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We'll probably take in a show.

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We hear Cats is very good.

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Or any of the Andrew Lloyd Webber things, really, would be nice.

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LAUGHTER

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LAUGHTER

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-INTERVIEWER:

-There's a problem.

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There's no support vessel, no officials, nobody.

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Chrissie's entirely alone.

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-Are you still going to go, Chrissie?

-Yeah, I think so.

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I might as well.

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Me friend Marie's in Kidderminster today,

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so I haven't got anybody to play with anyway.

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-What about food and drink?

-Well...

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I've got a sandwich box, so I think they'll stay dry.

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And I've got some little milkshakes in cartons.

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I think they'll be all right.

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And, see, I can put me duffle bag round me neck like this.

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But what about finding the French coast?

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I think I'll find it all right, thank you.

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I came fourth in geography, 81%.

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-What time is it?

-7:55.

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Five to eight?

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Off I go, then.

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That was eight days ago

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and Chrissie hasn't yet reached land.

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No-one seems to know where she is.

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Oh, I'm sure she'll turn up eventually.

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Slow but sure, that's our Chrissie.

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Yeah, she's probably just swimming about looking for a nice beach.

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Ice creams and donkeys - you know how kids are.

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What do your other children think about it all?

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-Oh, I'd forgotten that we had any other children.

-LAUGHTER

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-Oh, I don't know where they are.

-LAUGHTER

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APPLAUSE

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Vic struck gold when she penned the sitcom Dinnerladies.

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Writing fabulous young characters,

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extraordinary middle-aged eccentrics, and old - namely me -

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grannies, because she cast me as her rather decrepit old mum.

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And at the time, we were the same age virtually.

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The cheek of it.

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-Ta-da!

-LAUGHTER

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You're on your own, kid.

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I'm back!

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New venue, new caravan,

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new kidney.

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That's a long story. I do beg your pardon, Reg.

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This is my daughter - born Christmas Eve,

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so we called her Brenda.

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LAUGHTER

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This is Reg. Did I say?

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Go and look at their snacks, Reg.

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Reg does snacks at the petrol station.

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My caravan's on his forecourt.

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He's cute, isn't he?

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Like an Asian Roger Moore.

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LAUGHTER

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Just seeing her play her mum,

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I mean, that was just so brilliant.

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Petula Gordino, what a character.

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I mean, Julie did get the best lines.

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I'm back.

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And this will tickle you.

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I'm pregnant.

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LAUGHTER

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It was wonderful casting.

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I mean, real honour to be working with people like that,

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because so experienced

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and so good at the comedy.

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Nobody's ordered an old lady, have they?

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LAUGHTER

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No-one has ticked the wrong box in the Help the Aged catalogue?

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-Are you all right?

-Yes, thank you.

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Shall I give her a biscuit?

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Don't go too near,

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there could be two slapheads under that blanket.

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LAUGHTER

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Do you mean smackheads?

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There could be two drug addicts under there, ready to leap out.

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They'd have to be pretty small.

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Vic rang me and said,

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"How do you fancy working with Thelma Barlow?"

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She'd seen Thelma and I together, fooling about,

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because we've been friends for a long time.

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And I said, "Yeah, it'd be great."

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And apparently, she rang Thelma, you know,

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and said, "Would you like to work with Annie?"

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I mean, she might have said no.

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In which case, we would have been in trouble.

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-Twink, what's the soup?

-Minestrone.

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Why don't you put it on the menu?

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-Can't spell it.

-LAUGHTER

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I first met Victoria when I got this phone call saying,

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"You've got an audition." "Oh, my God, I've got an audition.

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"I've got an audition, how exciting.

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"I didn't think that would happen."

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And they said, "It's for this new sitcom

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"by Victoria Wood." And I couldn't believe it.

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And I just thought, "I'm going to go and sit

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"in the same room as Victoria Wood."

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That was sort of enough, really.

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I'm not a dinosaur.

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I quite like women, in a sad, baffled sort of way.

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LAUGHTER

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But can we please get a grip?

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Out of a workforce of five, at any given moment one will have

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premenstrual tension, one's panicking because she's not,

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someone's having a hot flush, and someone else is having

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a nervous breakdown cos their HRT patch

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has fallen in the minestrone.

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LAUGHTER

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That was a one-off.

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LAUGHTER

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Do you know, it was a joy for me,

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cos it was my first big job, really.

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So I was turning up and reading with all these people I'd been

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watching on television for the last, I don't know, 20 years or something.

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So it was quite nerve-racking.

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But once you started working with them, they were fine.

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Everyone was helpful and everything.

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But it was a joy for me.

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I made a list of all me bras last night.

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Did you? Why, how many have you got?

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17.

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Then I divided my knickers into work, casual and evening.

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LAUGHTER

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Do you ever do that?

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No, but I tell you what I do do -

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I take all the labels off me tins,

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then I don't know what I'm having for me tea.

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LAUGHTER

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Just the idea of meeting Victoria

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was astounding to me.

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But I met her in the basement

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of the...of Granada Studios,

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by the big boiler pipes.

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And I just remember her sitting there,

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and I was just thinking, "I am sitting in front of Victoria Wood."

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And that, to me, was one of the greatest things ever.

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She was, erm...

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my hero.

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My comedy hero.

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Hey, how are you doing? You're looking great.

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I'm really well.

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Got away with just one little haemorrhoid.

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LAUGHTER

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Did you?

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The hardest point for me, personally,

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in my story - Anita's story -

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was talking about piles.

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I mean, how brilliant for an actor of colour

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to stand there and talk about piles

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and not some, you know,

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something to do with her culture?

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My cousin had three big ones, sort of in a cluster.

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LAUGHTER

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LAUGHTER CONTINUES

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I'm just having a fag.

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When it came to middle-aged woes, Vic's stand-up

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brought the house down.

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She was never afraid to share stories about her ovaries,

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her menopause, or her failing eyesight.

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APPLAUSE

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You know, I've been thinking about giving it up,

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you know, being a stand-up comedian.

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I was thinking about stopping doing it.

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AUDIENCE BOOS

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No, not, tonight, I'll wait till you've gone home, but...

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LAUGHTER

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I don't want to get too middle-aged to do it.

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Cos I've got really middle-aged lately.

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I can't read the paper, I'm doing this with the paper now.

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I can't really read it unless the woman in the house across the

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street holds it up at the bedroom window.

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And I can't read A to Z.

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I can't read the small streets.

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If you don't live on a main road, I'm not coming to see you.

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LAUGHTER

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And I can't thread a needle.

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One of my children changed schools a bit ago.

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And I had all these name tags to sew on.

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I've got the needle, and I've got the thread.

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I'm like this...

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LAUGHTER

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I said, "Right, you're not going to that school now."

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No, but you don't want to get...

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You don't want to get too old and out of touch to do it, do you?

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I don't want to do all of that sort of terrible boasting that people

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do when they get old.

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If you ever see Raquel Welch on a chat show,

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she always has to say, "These are my own breasts, you know."

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I'd be coming on and saying, "Still got my own hips."

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LAUGHTER

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I used to do a thing in my show,

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I used to say, "I knew when I was getting older when I went past

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a rack of Dr Scholl sandals and went, "Oh, they look comfy."

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LAUGHTER

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Now, I'm going past going, "Oh, too modern, too modern."

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The fantastic thing about Vic

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was that she talked about women's issues.

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And confronted them for all of us.

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And would talk about bladder problems,

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would talk about fallopian tubes,

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the menopause - was fearless...

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and wildly funny.

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And it was just brilliant

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to have that voice throughout youth

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and into middle-age.

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At the time, you know, I just put it down to the menopause, you know,

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cos I was that age and I put everything down to the menopause now -

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tiredness, irritability,

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global warming. LAUGHTER

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Well, it could be, couldn't it?

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280 Eskimos all having a hot flush at the same time. Whoa!

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And I was used to going a bit mad, you know, once a month.

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I was used to all that.

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I was used to that cycle. You're all right, getting your period,

0:15:210:15:23

got your period, "I love you, I hate you, I'm really sorry."

0:15:230:15:27

And I'd identified a little mini cycle within that

0:15:270:15:29

when you go like this cos you're ovulating.

0:15:290:15:31

"I'm all right, I've got my period, I've had my period, I'm really sorry..."

0:15:310:15:34

LAUGHTER

0:15:340:15:36

And I thought, "Well, that's all right. I have all that.

0:15:360:15:39

"Then that'll stop, and then I'll get my menopause."

0:15:390:15:41

But what I didn't realise was, you get all this - "I'm having my period..." -

0:15:410:15:45

and at the same time, you get your menopause coming the other way.

0:15:450:15:48

LAUGHTER

0:15:480:15:49

So you go, "I'm getting my period, I've had my period, I'm ovulating,

0:15:490:15:52

"is it hot, or is it me?" LAUGHTER

0:15:520:15:54

"What have I come in here for?"

0:15:560:15:58

Humour is the best way to stop something being scary.

0:15:580:16:03

And to stop something being taboo.

0:16:030:16:05

And to make it OK to talk about,

0:16:050:16:08

and that's what she understood.

0:16:080:16:10

And also, she would write about her experience.

0:16:100:16:13

And her way of processing stuff would be to make it funny.

0:16:130:16:17

It got so bad with me that, in the end,

0:16:170:16:20

there was only 17 minutes in a month...

0:16:200:16:22

LAUGHTER

0:16:220:16:23

..when anybody could get any sense out of me.

0:16:260:16:28

So they are all queueing up for those 17 minutes.

0:16:280:16:31

They know I'll be nice and reasonable and won't burst into tears.

0:16:310:16:34

They're all queueing - carol singers in April.

0:16:340:16:36

# Deck the halls... # "Yes, come in."

0:16:360:16:38

I've got those men who go door-to-door selling the dusters.

0:16:380:16:41

"Yes, I'll have your dusters.

0:16:410:16:42

"And your ironing board cover - anything you like."

0:16:420:16:44

My children are queueing up. "Can I go to Ibiza even though I'm only 12?"

0:16:440:16:47

"Yes, of course you can, my darling."

0:16:470:16:49

"Can I have another two Game Boys?" "Yes, darling."

0:16:490:16:51

My husband's at the back of the queue. "Hurry up, hurry up."

0:16:510:16:53

LAUGHTER

0:16:530:16:54

"Yes?" "Can we have sex tonight?"

0:16:580:17:00

"Oh, ping, time's up. What have I come in here for?" LAUGHTER

0:17:000:17:02

APPLAUSE

0:17:020:17:03

Victoria's comedy had a warmth.

0:17:110:17:14

It appealed to more or less everyone,

0:17:140:17:15

including those handing out the awards.

0:17:150:17:17

I mean, she had a shelf full of them that creaked like one of

0:17:170:17:19

Mrs Overall's hips.

0:17:190:17:21

And by the way,

0:17:210:17:22

I loved playing Mrs O.

0:17:220:17:25

Even though, yet again, of course, she'd made me old.

0:17:250:17:27

Rowena?

0:17:310:17:32

From Kuwait?

0:17:320:17:34

Hello?

0:17:340:17:36

Hello?

0:17:360:17:37

Darn.

0:17:390:17:41

Oh, sorry, Mrs Overall.

0:17:410:17:42

Here's your coffee, Miss Babs.

0:17:420:17:44

What's wrong now?

0:17:440:17:46

Oh, nothing.

0:17:460:17:47

Just a rather mysterious phone call from the Far East.

0:17:470:17:50

Well, sometimes that's God's way of telling you

0:17:500:17:52

to think on and look sharp.

0:17:520:17:54

You're right.

0:17:540:17:55

Gosh, I am awful.

0:17:550:17:57

Here I am blabbing away about my own troubles,

0:17:570:18:00

and I forgot to ask you about your husband's car crash.

0:18:000:18:02

-Oh, he's dead, Miss Babs.

-LAUGHTER

0:18:020:18:04

Yes, in fact, I was going to ask you if I could have

0:18:040:18:06

a couple of hours off on Thursday for the funeral?

0:18:060:18:09

Of course.

0:18:090:18:10

Just pop back at five for the hoovering.

0:18:100:18:12

What happened?

0:18:120:18:13

His heart stopped beating.

0:18:130:18:14

LAUGHTER

0:18:140:18:16

Yes, well, sometimes that's God's way of telling you you're dead.

0:18:160:18:19

Never mind, it's bingo tonight.

0:18:190:18:22

Every time I watch it, I can't work out what age Julie Walters is.

0:18:220:18:25

Like, I really can't tell if she's 20 or 90.

0:18:250:18:28

Every single time, because she's hunched over, and she's coming

0:18:280:18:31

in with her tray,

0:18:310:18:32

and she's kind of wobbling around all the time.

0:18:320:18:35

And you look at everything around her,

0:18:350:18:37

and she has the body of a 90-year-old,

0:18:370:18:38

and then you actually look at her face,

0:18:380:18:40

and it's the most beautiful 20-year-old's face in the world.

0:18:400:18:43

And it's...it's quite a wonder.

0:18:430:18:45

Mm, your macaroons smell delicious.

0:18:470:18:49

Yes, Mrs O, you sample the first one.

0:18:490:18:52

Well, yes. I will.

0:18:520:18:54

But just in case something should happen

0:18:540:18:56

when I bite into it...

0:18:560:18:58

FORLORN PIANO PLAYS

0:18:580:18:59

..I'd just like to say what I feel

0:18:590:19:02

for Acorn Antiques...

0:19:020:19:04

and the folks what work there.

0:19:040:19:07

I'm only a simple woman.

0:19:090:19:11

Got no O levels or life-saving certificates.

0:19:110:19:13

I've never been abroad,

0:19:140:19:16

or fully participated in a summit conference.

0:19:160:19:18

LAUGHTER

0:19:180:19:20

But I've got feelings.

0:19:200:19:22

and what I feel for you, Miss Babs,

0:19:220:19:26

and you, Miss Berta...

0:19:260:19:28

..is nothing more or less than plain, simple...

0:19:300:19:32

..cove. Love.

0:19:340:19:37

She's choking on her own macaroon!

0:19:370:19:39

Quick, get Dr Wimley, the family doctor!

0:19:390:19:41

I can't, he's being blackmailed in the Sudan.

0:19:410:19:43

Oh, darn.

0:19:430:19:45

Well, quite frankly, Berta, as far as Mrs O is concerned,

0:19:450:19:47

it's far too late.

0:19:470:19:48

MRS O GASPS

0:19:480:19:50

Are we on? I thought that went quite well, didn't you?

0:20:010:20:05

-MAN:

-(Still on air!)

-LAUGHTER

0:20:050:20:07

Now, don't get me wrong, I loved playing old women, mainly

0:20:110:20:14

because it made Vic laugh and that's all I ever wanted to do, actually.

0:20:140:20:18

Make Vic laugh. So, here we go again.

0:20:180:20:22

-Legs 11!

-Why'd he say that?

-What?

0:20:220:20:27

Legs! He said legs.

0:20:270:20:30

It's what they say.

0:20:300:20:32

There's enough legs at home. That's why we come out.

0:20:320:20:36

To get away from legs!

0:20:380:20:40

-LAUGHTER Pack it in, Mum.

-Well, he wants to watch his mouth.

0:20:400:20:45

-Just cross 'em off!

-What do you mean, cross?

-Shhh!

0:20:470:20:50

-Two Fat Ladies, 88.

-Ooh, that's nice!

0:20:500:20:56

What's nice?

0:20:560:20:58

-Where are they?

-Who?

-Ooh, THERE they are!

0:20:580:21:01

LAUGHTER

0:21:010:21:05

Oi! Ignore him!

0:21:050:21:08

They could lose a bit of weight that they ain't fat!

0:21:080:21:12

-Mum!

-Well, what does he know?

0:21:120:21:15

On its own, doctor's orders, number nine.

0:21:150:21:19

House!

0:21:190:21:21

-Why'd she shout "house"?

-She's won, she got a full house.

0:21:210:21:26

Oh, we've got a full house since Bill come home.

0:21:260:21:29

I don't go shouting about it.

0:21:290:21:32

-She got five in a row, so she gets the jackpot.

-I got five in a row.

0:21:320:21:35

-When?

-Hours back!

0:21:360:21:38

-Oh, Mum!

-I don't know why people play this. Oi! You ain't fat!

0:21:400:21:47

-Cheeky blighter.

-LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:21:470:21:51

Now, this next sketch needs no introduction.

0:21:550:21:59

But I'm going to introduce it anyway.

0:21:590:22:02

It's called Waitress, and not Two Soups, as most people think.

0:22:020:22:05

APPLAUSE

0:22:090:22:11

I will never tire of watching the soup sketch but it fascinates

0:22:130:22:17

me how we ever managed to get through it without laughing,

0:22:170:22:20

because we never ever did in rehearsals.

0:22:200:22:24

-Ready to order, Sir? Madam?

-Jane?

0:22:240:22:27

Erm, yes, what's the soup of the day, please?

0:22:280:22:32

I'll just go and find out.

0:22:320:22:34

LAUGHTER

0:22:340:22:37

-What time's your train?

-25 to.

-Oh, well, that's not too bad.

0:22:410:22:45

LAUGHTER

0:22:470:22:49

LAUGHTER

0:22:540:22:56

'Julie has this wonderful way of surprising you.'

0:22:560:23:00

You know, she won't show you what she's going to do until she does it.

0:23:000:23:06

So, it kind of...

0:23:060:23:09

HE CHUCKLES

0:23:090:23:12

There is a...it was just the most wonderful experience - to

0:23:120:23:15

actually keep a straight face was a little bit tricky now and again.

0:23:150:23:18

Ready to order, sir?

0:23:200:23:23

-Madam?

-Yes, I want to know what the soup of the day was.

0:23:240:23:29

That's right.

0:23:290:23:31

No, I've forgotten.

0:23:330:23:36

LAUGHTER

0:23:360:23:38

I'll just go and check. Won't be one moment.

0:23:380:23:42

'If you watch our mouths,

0:23:440:23:47

'you'll realise they were hanging on for grim death not to laugh.'

0:23:470:23:51

'The length of time'

0:23:510:23:53

that it all took was, you had to hold your breath.

0:23:530:23:57

I don't think anybody had sort of dared write such a thing,

0:23:590:24:02

you see, that's what was so clever about her.

0:24:020:24:05

-We'll have two soups!

-Two soups.

0:24:050:24:08

LAUGHTER

0:24:120:24:14

One...

0:24:180:24:21

Soup...

0:24:210:24:23

And...

0:24:250:24:27

Another... Soup...

0:24:270:24:31

Right away, sir.

0:24:310:24:34

LAUGHTER

0:24:360:24:37

When we rehearsed it, we thought, we're never going to get through this.

0:24:370:24:42

But we said, we've got to do it in one take.

0:24:420:24:45

Otherwise, we're knackered.

0:24:470:24:49

LAUGHTER

0:24:520:24:54

AUDIENCE HOOTS WITH LAUGHTER

0:24:570:25:02

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:25:040:25:08

-Two soups.

-LAUGHTER

0:25:160:25:20

So often, you have a brilliant sketch but it doesn't quite,

0:25:210:25:25

you get, you think, "Aw, this is brilliant," but it doesn't quite finish.

0:25:250:25:29

But the very end...

0:25:290:25:30

Hope you enjoyed your meal, sir.

0:25:300:25:33

No tip?

0:25:350:25:37

-Bastards!

-LAUGHTER

0:25:370:25:41

So, there you have it.

0:25:440:25:46

That was my friend and our friend, Victoria.

0:25:460:25:50

So, shall we end on a song?

0:25:500:25:51

I think that'd be nice.

0:25:510:25:53

It's my favourite.

0:25:530:25:55

A song which Victoria wrote just for me -

0:25:550:25:58

Fourteen Again.

0:25:580:26:00

And who'd want to be that?

0:26:000:26:01

APPLAUSE

0:26:010:26:04

# I want to be fourteen again

0:26:060:26:09

# When sex was just called number ten

0:26:090:26:13

# And I was up to seven and a half

0:26:130:26:17

# Boys were for love, girls were for fun

0:26:190:26:22

# You burst out laughing if you saw a nun

0:26:220:26:26

# Sophistication was a sports car and a chiffon scarf

0:26:260:26:30

# I want to be fourteen again

0:26:320:26:35

# Tattoo myself with a fountain pen

0:26:350:26:38

# Pretend to like the taste of rum and Coke

0:26:380:26:42

# Chuck my school hat in a bush

0:26:440:26:47

# Spit on my mascara brush

0:26:470:26:50

# Buy Consulate and teach myself to smoke

0:26:500:26:55

# I want to be fourteen again

0:26:570:27:00

# Free rides on the waltzers off the fairground men

0:27:000:27:03

# For a promise of a snog, the last night of the fair

0:27:030:27:08

# French kissing as the kiosks shut

0:27:100:27:13

# Behind the generators with your coconut

0:27:130:27:16

# The coloured lights reflected in the Brylcreem on his hair

0:27:160:27:23

# I want to be fourteen again

0:27:250:27:28

# For all the things I didn't know then

0:27:280:27:32

# When I was funny, I was famous

0:27:320:27:36

# I was never ignored

0:27:360:27:40

# I was a crazy girl, I had a laugh

0:27:400:27:44

# I had Ilya Kuriakin's autograph

0:27:440:27:48

# I had no idea

0:27:480:27:51

# You could wake up

0:27:530:27:55

# Feeling bored. #

0:27:550:27:58

APPLAUSE

0:28:050:28:07

Hello. Well, the nights are getting

0:28:360:28:38

a little bit darker a little bit sooner,

0:28:380:28:40

and also the mornings are staying a little bit less light for quite

0:28:400:28:43

a little bit longer, so...

0:28:430:28:45

I've forgotten what I was going to say. Darn.

0:28:450:28:48

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