Episode 3 Outtake TV

-What do you need?

-I need...

Do you need aspirin, paracetamol, codeine? I dunno, Pepto-Bismol?

Oh, is it...oh-ah...

-Uggh!

-Arrgh!

-I'm so sorry!

APPLAUSE

Hello, and welcome to Outtake TV.

Another collection of the bits you haven't seen,

together with several more they'd much rather you never saw again.

MUSIC: "Smile" By Lily Allen

I can't take it!

And now we're in the spirit of things,

let's turn the spotlight on

the BBC's drama department and Jane Eyre.

As you'd expect, the costumes are faultlessly authentic,

the settings dangerously accurate.

Shame about the actors.

You still owe me wages.

-BLEEP.

-What do I say?

LAUGHTER

'Ah, there you are'.

Is Adele in bed?

-Ah,

-BLEEP!

-I can't remember!

LAUGHTER

What has happened here?

Master was reading in bed...

And I've forgotten completely what happens next.

JANE GIGGLES

-THUD

-Ow!

LAUGHTER BLEEP!

-I'm only gone for 24 hours and I return to this?

-BLEEP!

LAUGHTER

BLEEP!

Yeah? Cut?

-LAUGHTER

-"Cut?" I don't remember Charlotte Bronte ever writing that.

And while we're in horse mode, let's head off to Royal Ascot.

Where would that great sporting occasion be

without the traditional "little Willy" jokes?

Jodie, in the Royal Hunt Cup, you'll back your husband's horse?

Yes, I think I've got another one, but I can't remember.

I've lost so much. I'm not going to bet again.

We're going to leave you and Willy because you look so fine.

You look so fine together,

we think that is the scene we should leave you with.

LAUGHTER

This lady had a bet in this race. Can you tell me your name?

-Sheila.

-Ha-ha-ha, honestly(?)

Honestly.

-And you've backed?

-Roxanne.

Earlier you told me that you were going to back Roxanne

cos your name was Roxanne - I've been duped!

Oh, sorry. Yeah.

-And why are you backing Roxanne?

-I just fancied the name.

And looking at the new course today, what do you think of it?

Oh, I think it'll win.

LAUGHTER

I get the feeling, had you not been such a willowy beautiful thing,

you would have forsaken the catwalk and been a professional sportswoman.

Absolutely! It would have been show jumping, cos I gave up show jumping...

-Hello.

-Oh, hello. It's my beer stand!

-I'm not a fly. I am not a fly.

-Hello, down there.

-How's the weather?

-It's fine, slightly windy up here.

Oh, it's not so windy down here.

-LAUGHTER

-That's Jodie Kidd,

who's 6ft 1, or if you prefer, just over 18 hands.

And from Willy jokes, let's pan upwards to Claire of the big hats.

She does take risks that girl.

Rides quite well, little bit uphill, we saw a few fallers yesterday.

Still takes a lot of jumping.

If a horse takes off too soon they can ejaculate the jockey forward.

LAUGHTER That happened to Jack High.

They do what Claire, with the jockey?

If a horse takes off too soon, they can ejaculate the jockey right forward.

No wonder Willy Carson's so small.

LAUGHTER

Meanwhile the more refined atmosphere

of A Question Of Sport.

APPLAUSE

Hello and welcome to A Question Of Sport.

With q...uh, sorry!

LAUGHTER

I did have to be Philippa in the Olympics.

-You're known as Philippa Funnell?

-Yes.

LAUGHTER

Oh, believe me, it gets a lot better.

LAUGHTER

Why? Why Pippa?

Because Pippa in Greek meant...say...

-BLEEP

-job.

LAUGHTER

-What d'you think?

-I think it's a female.

Peter?

LAUGHTER

With what goes on today, I'm not sure.

LAUGHTER

I've just been watching Big Brother. Oh, my lord!

LAUGHTER

I hope I go before it's compulsory.

LAUGHTER

In this, you need to count the number of bikes you see.

Now that's a disgrace, Sue!

-Is that open to our own interpretation?

-Exactly!

LAUGHTER

What actually qualifies as a bike nowadays?

LAUGHTER

I don't want to read my next line cos it said,

"This could be any type of bike".

LAUGHTER

You need to count the number of bikes you see.

This can be any type of bike...

or bicycle...

LAUGHTER

I can't do this...I can't. See his...

-SUE COUGHS

-Steel yourself, come on!

LAUGHTER

Here's the first one.

LAUGHTER

In this you need to count the number of bikes...

LAUGHTER

-He hasn't done anything!

-He looked at me.

He hasn't done anything!

If I do it again, I won't look at you.

Right.

LAUGHTER

Fortunately, no such innuendo from our next contributors.

Despite the fact they go by the names of Dick and Dom.

Hello? Hello?

-'Hello'.

-All right, Carly?

-'Hi.'

-How are you?

-'I'm fine.'

Where have you been on your holidays this summer?

'I've been in hospital.'

LAUGHTER

No, it's not funny!

Window, trousers, meerkat, summer,

-combination?

-Window, trousers, meerkat, summer, cuts the trousers?

LAUGHTER

BUZZER

DOM SQUEALS

RAUCOUS LAUGHTER

You haven't awarded any points yet.

MUSIC PLAYS

You stupid fish! We haven't finished the game yet!

He can't stop it!

He's stuck!

He's stuck in it!

LAUGHTER

And if you're wondering which one was Dick...

Either way, on to Dick and Dom senior.

-Now, listen.

-I'm all ears.

-I know you are, but listen anyway.

-They're from a top television company.

-American?

-Hmm.

-Now, listen.

-I'm all ears.

-I know you are, but listen anyway.

They're from a top television American com...

-HE JABBERS

-Top American television company.

-Now, listen.

-I'm all ears.

-I know you are, but listen anyway.

-They're from a top American TV company called Fine Spirits.

-Are they?

No, it's a TV PROGRAMME called Fine Spirits, not a company.

LAUGHTER

-Now, listen.

-I'm all ears.

-I know you are, but listen anyway.

They're from a top TV American company.

HE JABBERS

LAUGHTER

Now, listen.

Of course, no visit to children's TV would be complete,

without popping in to Blue Peter.

Now, we all know what the elephant did in the studio.

Well, since then it seems the team have begun to slowly

work their way through the animal kingdom.

Not only do they love the green, they love the heat.

Of course, we've got big studio lights.

SHE SCREAMS

-LAUGHTER

-No, no, it's OK.

Imagine being bathed in them.

Hopefully after all this I'll be fit for my next Have A Go Geff Challenge,

which is boxing... Cheers, Mabel. ..which you can see on Thursday.

If I lie down next to him, I'll have a good idea...

-He's done a wee! Look, everyone!

-What? Oh...urgh!

-Snake wee looks like human wee.

-I think that's a bit of poo as well.

Dear me! That's what happens on live TV.

-It looks like scrambled eggs!

-What's going on there?

I've never seen that before, that's a first.

You know what? That really smells as well.

-Urggh!

-What has he been eating to, to...?

-Rabbits.

-Urggh!

LAUGHTER

Oh my gosh! And his, his...

-Like, Gethin, the length of his wee is longer than you.

-LAUGHTER

Soon on Blue Peter,

a competition to name the two new pet rabbits.

LAUGHTER

Next, Look North presenter Peter Levy,

possibly not the first man in line for when David Attenborough retires.

I have to say, I've never been as nervous in my life.

Joining me in the studio is a six and a half foot boa constrictor

and also a snake expert, Paul Kemp.

-Paul, good evening to you.

-Hiya.

-I know it looks daft,

but I had to sit over here cos I can't get any closer to you,

I am so nervous.

Tell me about him. What's the worst he can do?

He can constrict, but at the size he is

he wouldn't be dangerous unless he was around your neck.

If...sorry I keep looking at that tongue.

-He's smelling you.

-Is he smelling me?

He's smelling ME, is he?

LAUGHTER Is he all right?

Are you sure?

Yes. If it's an eight-foot snake then ...

-Is, is...?

-He's OK.

If it's an eight-foot snake then it would be possible

that he could eat pet rabbits in gardens maybe,

or small dogs in gardens.

-He's getting agitated.

-He's not.

Well, I am anyway. LAUGHTER

And what you've just seen was the live version.

Here's Peter a few minutes earlier in rehearsal.

PETER GASPS Oh!

LAUGHTER

But a real trouper, is Peter.

He doesn't just read the news,

he makes it up as he goes along.

The Government insist there is no specific threat,

but it's reported soldiers are being brought in

to guard Britain's energy plants,

after MFI discovered al-Qaeda plans to blow them up.

Who did?

MFI discovered al-Qaeda plans to blow them up.

-LAUGHTER

-Yes, of course, MFI.

Britain's top-secret furniture warehouse.

Time for something altogether more gentle now.

Amazingly, in its 34th year, it's Last Of The Summer Wine.

Oh, you're really very fit, Howard.

What makes you think you need a rowing machine?

Oh, you're really very fit, Howard.

-MUFFLED:

-Wait a minute, I haven't said me line yet.

LAUGHTER

So this is what mother meant when...

DIALOGUE DROWNED OUT BY TRAIN

Let's move on to that imaginary hospital

somewhere in the West Country,

and frankly, the last place you'd want to be if you were ill.

-Action!

-Arghh-ahh-arghh!

-BLEEP

-it hurts like hell!

-Is it bad? (I just said

-BLEEP,

-didn't I?)

LAUGHTER

Sorry.

-Hi, Trisha.

-'How did it go?'

It went well.

THEY LAUGH

-So you're an expert in parent-child relations?

-It doesn't take Freud!

You know nothing about having a child.

-You don't know how that feels.

-Really?

Well, you're about as close to Mozart as Elvis was...

LAUGHTER

Whaaa!

'Action!'

I'm sorry, I didn't hear "action."

-LAUGHTER

-I put them in properly.

Hello, this is Dr Griffin from Holby "Ciffy".

LAUGHTER

Can I go again? I forgot where I work.

Ahhh, dinner tonight at Padrino's?

Why, Mr Hume, you can't get enough of me, can you?

-Go on, then.

-You're a wonderful woman. See you later.

LAUGHTER

Hi, have you seen my mum?

Um...I've forgotten my line.

Bum.

-'No, you can't say bum.'

-I'm not allowed... Sorry.

This is your local anaesthetic. Once it's done, we'll begin.

So your dad drives lollies?

LAUGHTER

And from Holby we jump in our 'lolly'

and head off down the M4 to Albert Square,

where things are going just as badly.

CREAKING

LAUGHTER

-Your going to pay for this!

-Fiver for the lot?

See the state of these, they're ruined!

Don't worry, you can sell them as dusters.

Whoa!

Oi, what's going on?

Sorry, sorry, I'm so sorry.

-I'm really sorry, I hit you!

-That's cool, I like that.

LAUGHTER

CREAKING

LAUGHTER

Hold up, look, how about this one?

It's got its own garden with a built-in barbecue.

What about this one, three bedrooms and two reception rooms.

You know what that means, don't you?

BOTH: Pool table.

LAUGHTER

-Look, what he's thinking...

-BOTH: Sandman.

Hiya, yeah, I can't really hear you.

Hang on... You don't mind, do you?

No, we've both moved on, in't we?

-Yeah... Yep.

-BLEEP

-the wrong poxy door.

You're still the same poison you always were.

You come near him again, I'll swing for ya.

BANGING

LAUGHTER

-'Welcome to Vodafone...'

-I'm so sorry. It suddenly...it...

LAUGHTER

It did this!

INCORRECT DIAL TONE

LAUGHTER

Ouch!

CREAKING

LAUGHTER

The bench there, with a bigger speaking part than Billy.

But there's more to EastEnders than a squeaky seat.

There's Martin and Sonia, the Burton and Taylor of Walford.

-Oh, come on. What's the harm?

-No.

-One present!

-No, it ain't Christmas.

-It will be in a couple of minutes.

-It isn't Christmas until morning.

What...eh. Sorry.

-Did you get them?

-Sorry, my fault.

It will be Christmas in a couple of minutes.

It isn't Christmas until the morning.

Well, who says that then?

It's a known fact. It's not Christmas till you've had a sleep.

"Had a sleep"?

You've had a sleep, little nap!

That is a terrible line though, isn't it?

No, it's not a terrible line.

What are you talking about? You messed it up.

-COMEDY VOICE

-Blame it on the line!

Come on, what's the harm?

No, it's not Christmas yet.

-One present?

-No.

-It will be Christmas in a couple of minutes.

-No, it's not Christmas till the morning.

-Who says that?

It's not Christmas until you've had a sleep.

LAUGHTER

Right, ready?

What take are we on?

'And action.'

-LAUGHTER

-Oh, come on. What's the harm?

-No, it's not Christmas.

-What, one present?

LAUGHTER

Come on. What's the harm?

-No, it's not Christmas yet.

-One present?

-No.

It will be Christmas in a minute.

LAUGHTER

'Tis the season to be jolly.

Now, a first on Outtake TV from BBC3,

the new comedy, Thieves Like Us.

If you haven't caught it,

each episode is called The 'Something' Job

referring to the crime being committed.

For example, this will be known as The First Take Job.

Not got the plates out yet? Come on, love, shake a leg.

CLATTER

LAUGHTER

Oo-o-o-o-o!

-Well, how did the interview go?

-Ah, nuts.

Yeah, you can say that again.

LAUGHTER

BELL RINGS

'OK, that's three minutes. All change.'

CLINKING Ooops!

LAUGHTER

-What d'you want?

-To give up.

Tails it is.

LAUGHTER

So, for the last time, where is he?

HER STOMACH RUMBLES

LAUGHTER

That was my stomach!

LAUGHTER

Thieves Like Us suddenly going into slow motion.

Back to the real world and BBC News.

Quick look at the weather with Penny Tranter.

Oh, she was in a bit of a hurry. I said it was a quick look.

Roger Federer is through to the semi-finals

after a tough win over James Blake.

The number one took the first set.

That's not Roger Federer, that was actually Tony Blair!

Coming up after 8.30 on Breakfast,

well, BBC News 24, first of all,

has the latest news from home and abroad.

Get that make-up on, Simon!

Let's get reaction from Sir John Major who's in our Westminster studio.

Afternoon, thanks for joining us.

Seeing those pictures today, what did you think?

LAUGHTER

Let's turn our attention to, uh...

something a little different. Not just the camera angle.

What's your reaction to what's happened? Thanks for joining us.

Good afternoon, we'll move on to the European football

later in the bulletin.

But some news which has broken this morning, first,

and the Scottish premier league club Hibernian have confirmed

that former Scotland midfielder John Collins is their new manager.

Gary Lineker and Alan Hansen may have been the reason why the BBC

lost the, eh, rights to cover the...

FA Cup because of critical comments about England's performance.

-Have we gone all green?

-I'm not sure, is that just on our monitors?

In our studio, we've gone green. Sorry if we've gone green at home.

That's all the sport for now. Sorry about the dodgy camera work earlier.

Had a bit of a boozy lunch, that's all the problem it was.

What's the problem? It's all the rage.

-LAUGHTER

-See if the weather can do better.

Hello again. We've had some sunshine...

Might stay rather gloomy along the east coast,

but for most of us,

some sunshine and when the sun's out, it'll be pretty warm.

We'll leave you with a look at the weather prospects.

Here's Louise Lear.

It's not Louise actually, she's having her lunch,

but I'll do it instead.

That's just fine.

Here are the areas, these showers being whooshed in by the wind.

If you encounter the showers you'll get hail, thunder, but also

some strong gusts of wind for the next 24 hours or so.

That's not -99, I think that's a computer error.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

That cloud should start to thin and break

and we'll see some brighter skies developing later on.

Sprinkly's licking my leg as we speak!

I'll try to continue.

Ah-ha-ha-ha!

Neither I have. Where's it gone?

Aw...it's down there. Thank you.

SHE COUGHS

-Oh, dear.

-Oh, poor Louise. That's not good, is it?

It's not, and neither is this.

It is one of the hardy perennials of the gardening world,

and promises to showcase the very latest in garden design.

The Chelsea Flower Show has allowed us a preview of this year's event,

before the 150,000 expected visitors

pour through the gates.

-I've read too much.

-No, it's nice. I'm enjoying watching you.

I'll just carry on. Ian Palmer met some of this year's designers.

I wish I'd brought my knitting!

Coming up after 8.30, BBC News 24

has the latest news from home and abroad.

When the presenters arrive!

-THEY LAUGH:

-They're normally there at this time.

Have a look at this. This is the latest advertisement cricket-wise.

It's Kevin Peterson in a television commercial...

Warts and all, quite literally there, with his tattoo,

getting ready for the Ashes. He's a little like Terminator.

And I can't tell you

some of the comments that were made in the paper

about googlies and things like that.

-May I have a "noser clook" - closer look!

-You can't even say it!

-LAUGHTER

-Oh, I say!

-I might listen to your Radio 2 show...

-Please do.

Maybe catch your Channel 4 chat show.

Watch and listen to those things where appropriate.

Use the appropriate sense. If I released a range of lollipops,

I'd expect you to lick 'em, Gavin.

AUDIENCE GASP I may watch the radio and listen to the TV in your honour.

Thank you. I'm glad to be present with a newscaster

when you went like that.

-May I while I'm here?

-It takes years of training.

It's all over the place.

-Let's get some sports news, Sonia McLoughlin's here again.

-Selina Hinchcliffe.

-Sorry.

Both blond hair, both quite tall.

Just after half past three, we should be answering your emails.

They're coming in thick and fast as we speak.

Just give you a quick flavour.

Ben from Belfast wants to know, "Who's doing it

"and what's the agenda?" We want to know how to stop it, don't we?

To be honest, there's no point emailing because we've had so many,

we've already selected the ones we're going to answer.

Yep, that ruined that, didn't it?

That ruined that, completely ruined.

Yes, from a news point of view it's completely ruined.

From an outtake point of view - perfect.

Like this from Darren Jordon, who sadly recently left the BBC

to join the Arabic TV station Al Jazeera.

Mind you, if they'd seen him here

MTV would have snapped him up immediately.

# I see neon lights

# Whenever you walk by

# Don't get me wrong. #

Oh, yes, multi-talented, our Darren.

Here he is on another night, waiting to read the news

while enjoying the final of How To Solve A Problem Like Maria,

which was reaching its climax in the next studio.

Why are they wearing aprons?

'Helena and Connie,

'you've both worked so hard to get to this point in the final.'

DARREN GRUMBLES 'It's been an epic journey.'

LAUGHTER 'The nation has now decided who will become Maria von Trapp.

'For one of you, life is about to change forever.'

I hate when they say that.

How can they qualify that - "their life will change forever?"

'The girl the public have cast

'to be Maria von Trapp...'

-(Connie.)

-'..Is...

'CONNIE!' SHE SCREAMS

-DARREN CHUCKLES

-Calm down, it's just a bloody show.

CHEERING Congratulations, Connie!

-You are Maria!

-Ha-h! Smoke, flames, fire, dancing girls.

Well done!

Well done, darling.

Ah, she's not going to sing that ghastly song Goodnight, Farewell?

-STRANGLED VOICE:

-# The hills are alive...#

# The hills are alive...

I can't take it. Auh!

LAUGHTER

# Music

# With songs they have sung

# For a thousand years

-STRANGLED VOICE:

-# The hills are alive

# With the sound of music

# My heart wants to sing every song

# It hears. #

There you go. I'm so happy for you.

Ladies and gentlemen, you solved the problem!

THE GIRLS SCREAM

-GIRL'S VOICE:

-Oh, chaos.

LAUGHTER

Al Jazeera? They don't know the half of it.

Goodnight.

APPLAUSE

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

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