Episode 4 Outtake TV

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Thank you for coming.

How lovely. Ah.

Hello and welcome to Outtake TV, the show that takes you behind the scenes of some of our best-loved

TV productions, then trips over a cable, pulls down a curtain and spills hot tea on Adrian Chiles.

And that alone has got to be worth the licence fee, hasn't it?

If you think hot tea's dangerous, watch out for the toast.

How many pregnant women do you know that still buy tampons?

What are you going to do?

Oh, Shirl.

I'm going to show Phil.

I think he's got a right to know that his fiancee's a...

SHE CHOKES

Oh, by the way,

I like your hair like that.

It really suits your...boyish face.

BEEP!

-What did you do?

-I walked into the BEEP door.

Don't suppose you've got a spare one of them, have you?

Go on - have it.

I can't be done with that photo.

I'll have to have another fag just to get over it.

Horrible little, er, shrivelled up, nasty little thing, isn't it?

Like this lighter. With the wind blowing.

-Could you be any more insensitive?

-I'm just saying, all right?

Us legal taxpayers, we need protecting in case...

unstable women...

come up with long-winded lines that I can't remember.

He said he'd be alone.

You can't face it?

Don't say I blame you.

Standing on the sidelines.

Japs... Japs?!

The Germans...

-All I want is a second chance.

-You really know how to charm a girl(!)

-What do I have to do?

-Get lost.

-Not until you give me another chance.

-Is this guy bothering you?

Look, mate, this is a private thing between me and her.

-I wasn't talking to you. Is he?

-Um...

Sorry! Sorry.

I just saw her look at my face and laugh!

Of course she's not laughing at you!

She's laughing because she's seen next week's script, where you get

hit by a bus and she gets to snog the better-looking one.

And I should probably warn you there's a bit of tongue action

coming up in this next clip from a Canadian news channel.

If you can open your heart and your home, go to the Surrey SPCA, please.

And really, I was telling a lie - this dog is crazy.

-Absolutely crazy.

-He's 11 months old.

He's a puppy. He's full of beans.

Now, he's been tattooed.

He's been tattooed,

but he hasn't been neutered yet.

-We thought he was...

-I think he was.

Why would they tattoo him and not neuter him?

You're right. Richard was right.

He is tattooed. He's just...

Yes, they're not there. They're gone.

I just felt them. Get off!

This is crazy.

Now, this is Ginger. Hi, Ginger.

Ginger just loves people.

I love Ginger!

I love you, Ginger.

You don't have any make-up left!

OK, OK, OK...

OK, Ginger, off. That's good. Gee.

Anyway, these two dogs are absolutely fabulous.

They need a wee bit of training.

Yeah, really? You think?

Why do we do this?

And is she spayed, because...?

She's spayed. Ginger...

It looks like she just had babies.

Yeah, no, her nipples... No, she's spayed.

-You can see the stitches.

-OK.

-This... Ouch!

Be nice. Stop that.

Do you guys want some cheese? Do you want some cheese?

So Surrey SPCA is overrun with dogs.

And they're all... Stop nipping!

That's so not good. Sit down nicely.

OK, down, Ginger, down.

Stop it!

I used to have a dog like the licky one.

And a girlfriend like the bitey one.

It was after that episode that presenters reconsidered their use of Eau de Hamburger.

It goes without saying...

It goes without saying that it isn't always one-way traffic.

Sometimes it's the animals that feel degraded.

What's so special about these little piglets, then?

Well, the special thing about the piglets is that they're small,

they each have their own character,

every time we breed, we get different colours from them,

and these colours are coming out through the old English breeds that are in them already.

This one's showing more of the Tamworth. Sometimes they come out very brown with a nice ridge on

-the back, showing the Iron Age or wild boar that was in them.

-Can I just start that again?

-Sorry.

-I'm just really worried about how you're...

Oh! Oh, I'm so sorry.

Sorry, sorry, OK.

It'll be access all areas.

The winners in the main ring, the livestock, arts and crafts.

We'll show you all the highlights.

Catch up with us on Wales Today from Monday.

Are they? Oh dear!

Stop it, lads. Behave yourself.

You're on telly!

And for any children watching, don't worry - animals often spend their time giving each other piggy backs.

Or they play hopscotch.

It isn't easy with hooves.

Others spend their time misbehaving on telly.

The farming unions say they don't want people to avoid the countryside.

They just want us to be aware of the dangers that can be posed by cows and calves.

-MOOING

-Thank you.

Now, Tiggywinkles, the animal welfare organisation,

says it's an appalling idea that they should be kept as pets.

The RSPCA said they're concerned that, you know, it's only experts

that have the real skills needed.

What's your reaction to that?

He's gone for a jump there. Thank you. He's fine.

Over the years, the absolute bane of my life has been people complaining

about peregrines pooing on the ground while they're talking.

Thank you! You just completely upstaged me.

Charities like the RSPCA, virtually every business in the land,

will all be affected by this new law that comes in at midnight tonight.

Working hours for millions will be improved.

Wage bills will also rise.

Such is the legal uncertainty, only the lawyers...

DOG WHINES

Sh! OK.

Um...

DOG WHINES

Charities like...

Charities like the RSPCA and virtually every business...

DOG WHINES

will be affected by this law which comes into force at midnight tonight.

The working hours of millions of...

DOG BARKS

Say when.

BLEEP!

Go on. Push off.

Everybody really is on the same side. They just want to get the best price, and it's certainly

going to take some negotiation and many years, really, to get this whole situation right.

Let's just hope dairy farmers can survive. Back to you in the studio.

There will inevitably be concerns about this use and it's very...

Sorry! I just...

A ladybird flew straight into my mouth.

-There's an Auntie's Bloomers tape.

-Have you got that?

Ladybird, ladybird, fly away home.

Your house is on fire and your children are...

Ah, orphans.

What I want to know is who the heck are Auntie's Bloomers?!

Whoever you are, we've got your tape.

I suppose one group of people you expect to expect the unexpected are journalists.

They're always on the lookout for the next big scoop, and for Justin Roller on Newsnight, this was his.

First one today.

Oh.

God! Oh, my God!

I can't believe it.

Can't believe it.

What? What?

-Again!

-You want it again?!

Play it again!

Oh. God! Oh, my God.

It was everywhere. In the cab, in his hair, in the stereo...

In fact, the owner of the truck was furious, but Justin made it all OK again.

He ran it through the carwash and bought him one of these.

Anyway, the point about that was he should have seen it coming.

It was entirely predictable, just like this.

Boris, can you stop there for one sec?

Just stop there for one sec.

Can we have just Boris?

So, guys, can we...

Can we have one of you just passing some of that stuff? Would you mind?

-He's coming down here.

-Ooh!

-Ooh, no!

Classic.

The thing I love most about that clip is the sympathy of the photographers.

"Classic." Now, James Caan is a successful entrepreneur

and one of the dragons from the Dragons' Den, so he must be loaded.

If you're a fan, like me, of very rich people doing very stupid things, enjoy this.

That is amazing.

In fact, I think it's so good, let me just have a quick look.

Did you get that on camera?

The thing is, when you're that rich, you shouldn't be throwing drinks over yourself.

You should be paying somebody else to do it.

But being fabulously wealthy doesn't protect you, nor does being privileged.

Nothing could possibly give either myself or my wife

greater pleasure than to be here at York Station

on this very special occasion

of the naming of this new locomotive.

I've had nothing but the greatest admiration

for the team of people who for the last 19 years...

Are you glad that you came here this year, rather than choosing to spend your week abroad?

We have just been absolutely

soaked by the tide coming in!

It's coming in here so quickly.

But Kevin, are you glad that you came here...?

We're nearly at the end and I have to say that was absolutely fantastic. A great view of Vienna.

And of course, I got the chance to follow in the footsteps of Orson Welles from the film The Third Man.

And you can't say that every day. The other good news,

is that because we're in the middle of the fairground here in Vienna, I'm going to...

Hold on, he hasn't let us off!

It's OK.

What you're witnessing is, in effect, history being made, because never before in the country

have so many troops exercised their freedom to march through a borough.

And as you can see behind me... Oh...

To be fair, there were loads of soldiers behind him - they were just in camouflage.

Nonetheless, it does pay to look behind you.

Half the time, what's going on in the background

is more interesting than the foreground.

So, in this next lot, don't look at the presenters.

Look at what's going on behind them.

Well, the Liberal Democrats welcomed the scrapping of science tests, they say the Government should have gone

further and reviewed testing, got rid of testing for all those subjects, and had more teacher

assessment, and that this has moved us, though, closer to the system,

the system in England closer to the system in Wales and Scotland.

It's certainly doing that and it's aware that things,

in a very small minority of areas in this country,

have gone terribly wrong.

Leaders of the Catholic Church have marked the start of Christmas

with calls for an end of conflict in the Middle East.

..are his songs.

I like all his songs, whether it's fast or slow. And the other thing

I like from Elvis also is...

Um... He's being what he is, because...

Sometimes they go on flying, sometimes they don't, but that's not the purpose of the scheme.

The purpose is to really give them a shot in the arm

and get their lives going again,

and it works 99 times out of 100. Absolutely superb.

Thank you.

OK.

He is still the most powerful man in the world and so Britain is still dealing with him,

at the moment, for the next six months, and although all eyes,

of course, are turning to who comes next, it's certainly a reminder of what he's done...

The funny thing is, the woman with the mop is actually four points ahead in the opinion polls.

Now for some Pointless contestants. But before you think I'm being rude, I should explain.

Pointless is a quiz show in which the winners are the ones with the fewest points.

Of course, the contestants have a point - it's to give us clips like these.

And welcome back to our fourth pair today, Zena and Julie.

This is your second and final chance on Pointless.

Remind us who you are.

-I'm sorry.

-I'm sorry. Let me rephrase that. Remember who you are?!

OK. And now remind us who you are.

So, that's the end of Round One, and the losing pair with the highest score is Zena and Julie. Bad luck.

Gutted, Alastair. Gutted.

-Yes.

-Alexander!

-We came for a good time and we had a good time.

-Sorry.

Did you just call me Alastair?

You see, it's that kind of know-how that's going

to score you 100 points. Rick, what are you going to give me?

We're looking for capital cities beginning with B.

Well, Alexandra, she's just pinched my last answer.

Alexandra? I've been called Alistair, I'm now being called Alexandra.

-That's a girl's name.

-I'm so sorry. Alexander, Alexander.

OK, remember, we are looking for UK Christmas number one artists.

The more obscure, the better. Coren, your turn.

I feel like I'm taking a huge gamble with this

but I do think I heard of it before. It's quite controversial.

But, erm, I'm going to go for Antichrist.

-Antichrist?

-Yeah.

-That...

Antichrist? His name's Alexander.

And sometimes, he gets things wrong as well.

Who are those winners of the Wimbledon women's... Wimbledon...?

Oh, it's good, isn't it?

What are those women's sinkle... Sinkle?

Who are those winners...?

-Oh,

-BLEEP!

-No, who are the Wombles that no-one can wabble?

The producers dropped the next question,

which involved Alexander asking how "much wood would a woodchuck chuck?"

But being a presenter isn't easy and I should know. I've been making it look difficult all evening.

It's not just the English language that'll trip you up.

Sometimes it pays to have a Maths GCSE as well.

Dennis and Andy, your teams are depending on you, because as Craig

pointed out, there's a big swing on this.

I'll tell you what, five...

-It's... Hold on, what's it going to be at the end of this?

-5-2 or 4-3.

Hmm?

-5-2 or 4-3.

-Easy, Andy, easy.

As Craig pointed out, there's a big swing on this because it's either going to be 5-3 or 4-2, isn't it?

-5-2 or 4-3.

-It's been a long day!

There's a big swing on this, as you pointed out. It's either going to be 5-3... No.

-Keep seven and nine.

-OK, 4-3 or 5-2.

As you pointed out, there's going to be a big swing on this because well, what are the two possible scores?

-Either 5-2 or 4-3.

-Thank you very much.

Unfortunately, in the next round, Nicky Campbell got voted off, which was weird, because up until

that point there wasn't even a "voting-off" part of the game.

It's far better if the host and the contestants work together in perfect harmony.

Although sometimes, they can get on too well.

-Can I say how beautiful you look today?

-Thank you.

And I think Frank looks fantastic too, in his own way, but, Margot, you're the one I've got the hots for!

It's irrelevant to the contest in hand.

Yes. Quite exciting in its own way, isn't it?

-Yes.

-They'll cut this bit out.

-OK.

-Since you asked, 07773 216 1...

-Natalie, you're in a tough mood today.

-Sorry.

But... No, you're right. £15,000 is at stake.

-I'm tough to everybody, I'm not just tough to...

-You are.

-Some people.

You're tough to us all, as I discovered in my dressing room

about three-quarters of an hour ago.

-Dream on, Giles.

-There we are. Dream on. I did! That's what we were talking about.

This is neither here nor there, but for the late-night version, this will be fun.

And if you want to see the outtake from the late-night version then you should be ashamed of yourself.

It's nothing but rude anagrams and brightly-coloured jumpers. Eurgh!

OK, let's get as far away from that as we possibly can.

In fact, halfway round the world to Big Cat Live.

In the Masai Mara, all that can be heard is the chirping of crickets,

the rustle of the bush and the eerie, almost mystical snickering of Kate Silverton.

It's been fun. We've completely overrun on our web cam. I'm sorry.

But I suppose... Anyway, should we end there?

-If you're still with us.

-Before it...

Yes, exactly. Nobody's watching.

I tell you what, the guys, the guys are thinking, "listen, can we please go to the bar?"

We're just on our own.

It's not bar time! That's why.

-If you're there, wherever you are...

-All I can see is legs.

You can see the fun...

And think they've got out of their trousers and they've run off.

The cameras have got no people behind them.

-Exactly. I think we're going to get a right smack.

-Yeah.

The show tomorrow it is at 6:15pm.

-On BBC One.

-Yeah!

And we'll all be here. It's an hour-long show.

-Is it an hour-long?

-If it's anything as good as this...

Anyway, I've enjoyed myself. Have you?

You know why? It is life. We have thoroughly enjoyed it.

We are very, very lucky.

We've got a great crew here and we'll be thanking them all tomorrow night.

It's all run, darling.

-I'm crying about tomorrow.

-What's going to happen tomorrow?

Oh, Lord only knows. Do join us tomorrow...

-Come on.

-Oh, I'm so glad we're not on BBC One doing this.

-We wouldn't have jobs afterwards, would we?

-What are we on?

Oh, no, I didn't mean that.

-That's going in your book of quotes.

-That was both feet in mouth.

Has someone put something in the fire?

-They did. OK.

-This is worse than being peed on by Keikai.

-This is stressful.

-Right, chaps. We'll love and leave you.

Thank you so much, Royston.

Lovely Royston. We love everybody here.

That was a buffalo.

OK, we'll love and leave you.

Thank you so much for watching.

-BBC One tomorrow.

-BBC One tomorrow, goodnight. Goodnight, goodnight.

APPLAUSE

There's never a man-eating lion around when you need one, is there?

Still, when a TV presenter, an actor or a reporter gets the giggles, the whole crew laughs along.

Because they know it means just one thing.

Overtime.

I have come in to see you today, not just to pay my account, but to ask you for your support.

But does this mean you'll be opposing Mr Dowland?

It is the reason I'm putting myself up... SHE LAUGHS

You are indeed putting yourself up, Miss Lane.

SHE LAUGHS

This means you will be opposing Mr Dowland.

It is the reason I'm putting myself up.

You are indeed putting yourself up, Miss Lane.

Oh, dear God.

-Miss Lane. We heard the most absurd rumour...

-SHE LAUGHS

How bad a couple were they? Just describe some of the things they got up to.

One of the worst incidents we had was the night when they were actually

chasing people with baseball bats down the street, a police officer was assaulted in the ensuing fight.

They threatened who were looking out the windows, that the window was going to go through.

One of the lads dropped his trousers at the same time.

-I didn't mean to laugh at that. Sorry!

-Shall I interview you?

The latest space shuttle launch has been cancelled because of a hydrogen leak.

Endeavour was due to blast off from Florida today on a 16-day mission

to install a Japanese-built outdoor porch on the International Space Station.

Oh! It would have had hanging baskets and shelves.

And a cat sitting in the sunshine.

I'm sorry, I can't.

Fit for a queen? Well, it's good enough for you, my sweet.

Absolutely amazing.

Now then, the moment we've all been waiting for.

You're about to find out if you've won...

I can't believe we're doing this,

Paul,

-shall I carry on?

-You carry on. I'm speechless.

Last week we launched our competition to win, all you had to do was

described the colour of Paul's shirts each night last week.

-They say that the dead don't talk.

-That's true. In my experience.

Who says that?

-That dead people...

-Who says the dead don't talk?

Mental people.

No-one says the dead don't talk.

Witches say that.

And then they go, "Or do they?

"Pop this toad under your tongue and you can talk if he's dead."

I've forgotten what the actual story is!

-Anyway, we're getting...

-Who says the dead don't talk?

Do the dance, do the dance!

Sorry, force of habit every time I see Ricky Gervais.

Anyway, enough of giggling people on telly, it's time to make the most of

this visual medium and have something from the radio.

This is the brilliant, husky, giggly, Charlotte Green on Radio Four.

American historians have discovered what they think is the earliest recording of the human voice.

Made on a device which scratched sound waves onto paper, blackened by smoke.

It was made in 1860, 17 years before Thomas Edison

first demonstrated the gramophone, and featured an excerpt from a French song, Au Clair de la Lune.

VERY POOR RECORDING

The...the award-winning screenwriter Abby Mann has died at the age of 80.

He won an Academy Award in 1961 for Judgment at Nuremberg.

SHE LAUGHS

Excuse me, sorry.

Abby Mann also won several Emmys including...

including one in 1973 for a...

for a film which featured a... SHE LAUGHS UNCONTROLLABLY

..a police detective called...

The character on whom a long-running TV series was eventually based.

You know, it's uncontrollable giggling on a live broadcast

that guarantees Charlotte the day off work should the Queen fall ill.

Time now for Blue Peter. Not so much a broadcasting icon, as an i-can't.

It's only now that the real story of the underground city has risen to the surface. To find out more...

My football skills aren't quite up to scratch and if I'm going to impress the boys out in Berlin...

You wouldn't catch me anywhere in these chains.

Anyway, I've already been caught, haven't I? I'm a slave.

SHE LAUGHS And I've broken free!

I've always wanted to say this, I'm Miss Zoe Salmon, LLB, CPLS.

Which means I'm a qualified solicitor.

I love the way I never try to catch properly with one hand cos I'm afraid it'll break my nails.

In the old days, you wouldn't worry about breaking a nail because

Lesley Judd would make her a new one using an old loo roll and some sticky-back plastic.

Still, today's kids are just as wholesome with their

youthful enthusiasm, their delight in new language and their two pints of lager and a packet of crisps.

Look at you. Your eyeballs are redder than an embarrassed radish.

Oh!

-Luke, you...

-BLEEP.

I forgot what I was saying.

I'm desperate for a man.

I think I may have found one but he's possibly a psychopath, masquerading...

Sorry.

Oh, damn!

I missed the board!

It's immoral. You three ought to be ashamed of yourself.

All right, Louise, I never meant for this to happen.

We're adults now...!

He adores you, but his phone might be dead or he might be in a meeting or in a, in a...toilet.

Or in a... You know,

just a place of worship.

Look, what if I help you?

By fetching me another jar and a tenner?

No, but I could get you a couple of shifts at the pub with me and Tim.

Really? Dawn, I didn't want to ask.

I thought I'd be stepping on your toes and I kind of already did that by stealing your husband.

-No, it's all forgotten about.

-Yeah, and you've only just finalised your divorce.

-It's all forgotten about.

And we celebrated by putting on that...

Sorry! Sorry, Mum.

And you've only just finalised your divorce.

-Yeah, it's all forgotten about.

-And me in Gaz celebrighted... Celebrighted? Oh... Sorry!

-What?

-Celebrighted, like an Australian.

That was Two Pints Of Lager and 43 takes of complete frustration.

And although those outtakes meant everyone in that studio had to stay

late, they mean that everyone in this studio has to leave right now.

CHEERING

Yeah, all right.

So until next time, ta-tah.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

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