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This programme contains some strong language.
< Come along!
Put them on my desk.
The problem with Halloween these days,
is that people treat it like Christmas.
It's lost its true meaning. For instance,
do you know the real reason that you're wearing a mask?
Because you said my breath smelt?
Well, yes, it does.
But the real reason we don masks at Halloween is to ward off evil spirits.
It's the one night of the year when the divide between the living and the dead is at its thinnest.
Wearing a mask disguises us as dark spirits, and thus we avoid harm.
Where's your mask then?
Oh, I don't need one.
The trick-or-treaters have arrived.
Let's go and offer them a special Halloween muffin, shall we?
It's important to keep up these old traditions.
Oh! I nearly forgot to set the alarm.
< Trick or treat!
< Oh, how marvellous! Let's have a look at you!
< I suppose you all want a treat?
Right. So here we are...
round the back of the building.
Er...there's a door there.
I'll get some shots round the, er...
front later on and get a sense of the scale there.
Sorry I'm late.
-That's OK, I've only just got here myself. Drew, isn't it?
Phil Walker, Goldfish Bowl Productions. Although I was involved in that.
-We spoke on the phone?
-That's right, yeah.
-Thanks for getting in touch.
We've been looking everywhere for a spooky location and we've had no luck. We've even been to Stoke.
Well, I think this place might be just what you need.
It certainly looks it from what I've seen so far.
You wait till we get inside.
Health and Safety would have a field day with this.
So you want to use it for a Most Haunted, is that right?
Oh, no, you said the M word! No, this is a totally different idea.
We've got a team of psychics investigating haunted houses,
and we're going to film them with night-vision cameras
-so they're totally in the dark but the audience can see everything.
So how is that different to Most Haunted?
Well, I haven't seen that show so I don't know if it's similar or not.
-But the big difference is, of course, we've got Dale.
He's sick of the balls, he wants to get back to something edgier, like his early stuff.
-What, like Supermarket Sweep?
So the plan is I get some shots tonight, you give me a bit of a tour. I take it all back to the director.
If he likes it, it could end up on Dale's Overnight Ghost Hunts.
-Do you think? I'm not sure about it.
If the place is featured, you get 250 quid and a credit on the end roll.
I don't care about all that.
when I saw your advert,
I knew I had to get in touch.
I grew up opposite this place.
It's a massive part of my life.
But there's such horrible memories too.
That's what Dale says about Pets Win Prizes.
-I told you I met the Governess who ran the place.
-When you were a kid.
..this is where I met her.
No. Get... Stop it! Get off me.
Put me down!
All right, Mitchell, let him go.
Do you have a name, child?
Well, thanks to you, I've had to reset my alarm.
What were you doing creeping around in my office?
Answer me, child, or I'll attach you to Goldilocks here and set you both off screaming.
It was just a dare. For Halloween.
I had to take something.
Did you indeed?
Empty your pockets. Now!
Who do you think you are?
Creeping in here and taking private property.
Do you know what this is worth?
Or what the consequences would be should it be lost or stolen?
-I didn't think.
-No. People rarely do.
I'm going to tell you something about stealing.
And about consequences.
Something to make you think twice before contemplating such an action again.
And I don't tell you this story in the hope of frightening you...
..but I'm afraid it probably will.
It was Halloween, just like tonight,
and a man who didn't think about his actions
was soon to be taught a terrible lesson.
It's not a costume! These are me work clothes.
It's Halloween every day for some people, pal! Idiot.
Look at that.
What a waste.
I'll have that when I get in.
Trick or treat!
Oh, you look scary!
-How old are you?
-We're both seven.
And can you read yet?
What does that say then?
Shall I read it for you?
No tricks. No treats.
Where's your mother? Is she hiding in the bushes?
Oh, yeah, so you send your kids out to do your dirty work for you?
They should be in bed. And she shouldn't be having any chocolate by the size of her. Piglet!
What are you supposed to be anyway, green elephants?
Don't you have any treats for us?
Don't push your luck, kid, I've drowned bigger cats than you.
Sorry about that. What time can you come round?
Well, let me have a think. I was going to have me tea now so it's not laying too heavy on my stomach.
Then I was going to watch Exorcist 1 and Exorcist 3.
I don't bother with Exorcist 2, it's shit.
Then I'll probably do the pots, just beans on toast, that's just a pan and a plate.
I think I'll be ready for you by about midnight, the witching hour!
And how much are we looking at?
Yeah, go on then, I'll treat myself.
-Trick or treat! Trick or treat!
Go on, say it, then.
How old are you?
Can you not read?
Where's your mother?
Sod you then.
Look, I'm not giving you things just because you've turned up at me house with masks on.
I work hard to earn money to buy treats for myself.
All this trick or treat, penny for the guy, Cancer Research...
I don't do any of it. Go and beg somewhere else.
Are you deaf as well as stupid? I'm not involved in this night.
Me no likey.
Are you even doing trick or treat?
You're weird. All right, trick then. Piss off.
That doesn't mean shoving dog shit through my...
'And so he settles in for a night of unalloyed male pleasure.
'A potent mixture of horror films, junk food and a visit
'from a certain lady of the night and I don't mean Florence Nightingale.
'In short, it was all treats, and no tricks.'
Eh? I don't believe this. Where's the other one?
The Wiggles! Worse than Exorcist 2.
Must have put them in the wrong boxes.
Some five-year-old's going to be shitting themselves tonight.
Argh! ..Bloody little bastards!
Hello, yes, I want to make a complaint.
-You want to make a complaint?
-Yeah, I've got kids here tormenting me.
-They put a rat in me Pringles and a load of beetles in my chocolate.
-Beetles in your chocolate?
-Yes! What are you going to do about it?
What are you going to do about it?
-Why are you repeating everything I say?
-Everything you say?
-Who is this?
-Who is this?
Who is this?
Trick or treat.
HAMMERING AT DOOR
Sorry about that! I'm Janet.
Well, what do you think?
It's nearly midnight and I've brought some pumpkins for you to play with.
You're my last trick of the night.
You're my biggest treat.
-So how many different attachments have you got then?
Oh! Better than a Dyson.
Yeah, speaking of Dyson's, when are you going to start...?
All right, give us a chance, I've not even taken me coat off yet!
-Sorry, sorry, it's just been a weird night.
-Never mind. So it says on your card you cater for all disabilities?
-Yeah, that's right.
They're much more appreciative than most punters.
And they do all the work for me, especially the epileptics.
I have a chap in Chorlton-cum-Hardy gets me to wee on him once a fortnight.
I don't think he gets off on it, it just helps with his psoriasis.
Now then, let's get them trousers off, and get you latched on.
Ow, you're biting me.
Oh, it's too much! Ow!
You're scratching me! What are you doing?
What's the matter, don't you like it?
Trick or treat!
I told you I haven't got any treats!
What's that in your pocket then?
Maisie, come on.
I've got to go now. Be careful, mister, it's dangerous on this road.
Some children died.
I'm putting it back.
I didn't realise.
Hey! Where are you going? Stop!
Trick or treat!
She was right.
She scared me to death with that story.
But I never stole again.
Sorry, I hope you don't mind. That was just too good to miss.
I can just imagine Dale telling that story on the programme,
sat in a big armchair like Ronnie Corbett.
-I know. So what's the story with the locket?
I've no idea. Probably sentimental value.
Though she didn't strike me as the sentimental type.
-What is all this stuff?
-Medical equipment mostly.
There were rumours she used to do experiments on the patients.
-Like putting shampoo in the eyes?
We'll never know now, will we? Didn't she burn to death in a big fire or explosion or something?
So they say. Some people think she's still here.
-What, as a ghost?
There have been several sightings.
Brilliant, I'll get our researchers onto it.
I say researchers, it's one big girl with an NVQ in Media Studies, but she gets some fascinating stories.
Well, apparently there was a patient here that had a doll, and she treated it as if it were a real baby.
Yes, that rings a bell...
-I don't know, we usually make the names up.
But you'll never guess how she came to be in here.
'It was the day before Halloween, and this woman, Joan or Joy, was trying to sell her house.
'It'd been on the market for weeks, but she was rubbish at cleaning and they couldn't shift it.'
If you come through to the kitchen or morning room, if you prefer...
Well, I'm sorry about the mess.
My wife was supposed to have tidied up before she went to work.
But it's a very bright room. We're south-west facing.
Oh, hello! Don't mind me. Just pretend I'm not here.
I won't shake your hand as I've been elbow deep in wombs since 6 o'clock this morning.
There's plenty of room here to spread yourself around.
Can you look after Freddy please, George, while I set up the breast pump.
I've got to express some milk, I'm bursting.
So, how many children do you have?
Just the one.
Well, shall we have a peek upstairs? I'll just shift some of this stuff.
One of these days, somebody's going to break their neck.
Oh, dear, Freddy. Looks like Daddy's cross with us again.
Now then, let's have a look and see if we can't extract a few dribbles for your din-dins.
Here you go.
Well, we've a few more to see so we'll have a think and let you know.
OK. Well, fingers crossed then, eh!
Hope to hear from you soon.
Cheerio! Safe journey home. Bye!
-Do I look like a pig, Joy?
Do I look like a pig?
Well, sometimes when you've just stepped out of a hot bath...
Why am I living in a pigsty? You've got to keep on top of the cleaning!
A place for everything and everything in its place!
Well, it's not that easy with a toddler in the house, George.
Freddy messes up the place as quick as I can tidy it.
48 viewings so far.
48 people have walked out that door and never come back.
Don't make me 49.
Great, we'll see you later then. Thanks. Bye.
Well, miracle of miracles.
That was the couple from yesterday.
They want to come back for a second viewing.
Well, it's tidier than it was yesterday anyway.
I went through the night, George, just like you said.
A place for everything and everything in its place.
Yes, you've done a good job, Joy.
I'm very pleased.
Right, I'll just clear away these breakfast things then.
Just pop them in the recycling.
No! No! No! No! No! You've put the shell in with the bread!
-But they're both food, George.
-No, they are not.
Bread goes in the green bin, biodegradables.
Shell is like bones and goes in the...?
-No, that's plastics!
Shell goes in black, general waste.
Oh, what's the red for again?
How many more times?
Paper and cardboard, magazines and newspapers, milk and juice cartons, tetrapaks and pizza boxes.
-Waxed paper, tissue paper, foam trays, tin foil.
Not tea bags! They're biodegradable.
Reduce, re-use, recycle!
Can't you get that into your thick skull, Joy? Can't you?
Can you not get this one simple thing into your thick, thick skull?
I'm trying, George, I am!
I'll be back later for the viewing
and you'd better have this place spotless, Joy Aston, or so help me God...
'So she cleans the whole house, top to bottom, and then sits down to play with her...baby.
'But then she notices what day it was.'
Oh, it's Halloween today!
Oh, we should do a pumpkin.
You got to promise not to make a mess though?
Now let's see, it's 11 o'clock now...
Yes, we've got plenty of time!
That's it. We put the sharp knife in.
Ooh. Quarter past 11. Right, I think it's time you had a little nap
while Mummy has a quick tidy.
DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES
Come through. If you wouldn't mind popping your shoes off for me. >
We have just tidied and cleaned. >
And this, you may remember, is our spacious kitchen/morning room.
It's just not as big as we remembered it. But thanks, anyway.
Yes, yes, cheerio.
Oh, George! You gave me quite a fright there, George!
-what time are they coming to look at the house?
-They've already been.
Oh, well. Did you mention the south-westerly aspect?
what's the point of mentioning the aspect when they can't even see out the bloody window!
Why don't we go the whole hog and just throw everything on the floor?!
That'd be easier for you, wouldn't it? Much better system!
There has to be some mess, George! This is a family home.
No, it's not.
Because do you know what, Joy?
There is no family.
Let's see how you manage on your own.
Oh, what a mess you're making...
Now then, that's better, isn't it, my little Freddy Fruitcake?
Everything's nice and tidy, just the way that Daddy likes it.
Where did your researcher get that story from? A friend of a friend?
I don't think she's got any friends. (Like I say, she is quite fat...)
Why, do you think she made it up?
Joy Aston lost a child to cot death then was institutionalised by her husband after a nervous breakdown.
Well, Dale did say he wanted to do edgier stuff.
Did you hear that?
Yes, I did.
Did you bring anybody else with you tonight?
No. It's Kenchington's ghost! She's come looking for that locket!
Don't joke about it. It's not funny.
-I'm going to film this in night vision. It'll be just like DOGH.
Dale's Overnight Ghost Hunts.
Oh, God. Can't see a thing.
Your eyes have to adjust.
-Only takes a minute.
-I can't imagine Dale doing this, to be honest.
Stumbling round in the dark. He might scuff his shoes.
We'll need him in a studio somewhere. Like an anchorman we keep going back to.
-Like Paul Ross you mean?
I've got a story for you. A friend of a friend one.
It starts with a blind man who's just had an operation to get a brand new pair of eyes.
He was a toy collector, name of Oscar Lomax, and he just couldn't wait to see his latest acquisition.
Morning, Mr L.
How are your eyes this morning, still itching?
Aye, I can't wait to get these bloody bandages off.
-I brought you some Roses.
Can I smell them?
Oh, your package came this morning, the one you've been waiting for.
Open it up then, open it up!
-What? Is there something wrong with it?
-You could say that.
Do you know how offensive this is?
I know, I know, it's got an ink stain on the collar, but you'd never find one in mint condition, Tealeaf.
It's a very rare commodity.
This is one of the only five remaining original Robertson's Gollywogs.
-Where did you get it from?
-I had to delve into the black market.
No pun intended.
And when you do that it's best not to ask too many questions.
Some folk would do anything for money.
Here, let me hold him.
You're going to come and stay with me aren't you, Jamjar?
I can't wait to make you part of the family.
You're worse than Madonna, you are.
Now do me a favour and put those roses in some water, will you?
I've got a vase on the side here somewhere.
Do you want a little tip, Jamjar?
Bicarbonate of soda and half a teaspoon of vinegar.
Pearly white for life.
Now then, let's get you to bed, and tomorrow I'll take you home to my holy of holies.
Where are you? You've not fallen down the toilet, have you?
Nurse? Oh, this is ridiculous.
Wait a minute.
Better just turn this light off.
Now then. Let's see what we can see.
Oh. There you are, Jamjar.
I can't believe you took your bandages off. What did I tell you yesterday?
I'm fine, I'm fine, stop fussing, you're like a nagging wife.
I'm not going to need you for much longer, Tealeaf.
I've got my independence now.
-Yeah well, we'll let the doctor decide that.
-He can wait.
I've got business to attend to.
Come on then. What's on the agenda for today?
You've had a request for an estate valuation.
What is it?
Small collection of period and modern soft toys. You want me to pass?
No, No, No, time to get back on the horse.
You never know what you might find.
Arthur Negus once found a first edition Mandy in a chiropodist's waiting room in Buxton.
Tell them I'll do it.
Cool. I'll go and find the doctor and get you discharged.
Ask him yourself, he's standing right there.
He's just been examining me.
There's no-one here, Mr Lomax.
Only me. Your eyes are playing tricks on you.
Who are you?
What do you want?
No. No, the problem here is that there's nothing left of the original stitching.
There's at least three different types of cotton in her crotch.
It completely devalues the item.
It is very old.
Old and worthless, I'm afraid.
Fine for a family heirloom but useless to a serious collector.
My husband thought there might be one or two things of worth.
No. A bear with stitch-nose and cut glass eyes, a ninth generation Andy
Pandy with indigo instead of the original candy-blue stripe, and a
Happy Meal Pluto.
Car boot fodder, I'm afraid.
I'll offer you five pounds for the lot, and that's only because I'm curious about your Bagpuss.
Doesn't seem much. She collected these since she was a little girl.
I know. But she played with them.
And hugged them, and squeezed all the worth out of them.
Now they're just husks.
Can I ask?
How did she die?
She died in her sleep.
Quite sudden, really, she was just in her bedroom watching Eastenders
and by the time I came up with her Bovril
she was just sat there. Slumped.
-Did she by any chance carry a donor card?
Her heart was no good, but a kidney, they took.
And her liver.
Even her eyes.
Night night, Jamjar.
Is anybody there?
Who are you?
What do you want?
EASTENDERS THEME PLAYS ON TV
-Yes, I believe so.
I think I was given your mother's eyes and I'm seeing what she saw just before she died.
She was watching Eastenders, you say?
I think so, yes.
That makes sense.
I've done a drawing of the man I think killed her.
It's not perfect, but...
Does that ring any bells?
But why would anybody want to kill her, she didn't do anything to anybody.
I only know what I saw.
She was killed, I'm telling you.
-I think we should call the police.
I'd better just tell my husband.
'My husband thought there might be one or two things of worth.
'I had to delve into the black market.
'Best not to ask too many questions.'
'Some folk would do anything for money.'
Now, what's all this nonsense about a murder?
Oh, that is brilliant, we've got to use that!
-I know someone on 'Enders, actually, wait till I tell them that. They'll piss.
-Can you see better now?
What do you think that noise was really?
I don't know.
When I was little, I could hear screams coming from this place at night.
My mum used to tell me that it was just the seagulls.
-Seagulls go to bed though, don't they?
-Yeah. But the mad don't.
No rest for the wicked.
Let's head out.
So what happened with Kenchington?
Did she let you go after she got her locket back?
No. She took me on her night round of the wards.
-Oh, my God!
She saved the best till last.
If I was scared before, I was petrified now.
She led me down the corridor introducing me to all the patients.
Then we came into the final cell.
Now then. I think you owe this poor creature an apology.
Hello, David, how are we this evening?
I'm not surprised.
-This young man fired 400 volts into your brain.
I can smell a wet mattress, David,
have you been having bad dreams again?
Tell us about it.
I'm sure the child would love to hear what's going on in your head, wouldn't you?
There you are, David, you have an audience.
Now what's on your mind?
Well, in the dream,
me and my mum are on our way to a party at Uncle Peter's house.
But there's a problem with the car.
And we get stranded in the woods.
I hope you haven't weed on them boots, David.
-I don't think so.
-Good. I borrowed them from Mr Hayward downstairs.
Apparently his son's a pinhead.
Skinhead. Didn't want to wear this anyway. Babyish.
Yeah, well I'm sorry, David, it would have been in bad taste to go as Fred West. It's too recent.
Well, why couldn't I go as Ed Gein?
No-one would have known who you were.
Yes, they would. Texas Chainsaw Massacre.
A belt of lady's nipples and a silver vagina on my face.
And where were you going to get one of them?
-Could have made one?
-Out of what?
-David, you are not using my chamois as vaginas.
You look good anyway as Frankenstein.
Humph, Frankenstein is the Doctor and I am the creature.
Yeah, and I'm your bride.
Look! There's a car coming. Maybe we can get a lift.
Check them out first though. They might be weirdos.
-Everything all right?
-We were on our way to a party.
Our car broke down. You couldn't give us a lift, could you?
Of course. Jump in.
So I suppose you want dropping off at the castle, do you?
52 Birchwood Avenue.
I told David to join the RAC, and he disappeared to Stratford for three months.
Yeah. I did A Winter's Tale with Simon Russell Beale.
He's a good theatre actor, but he's too big for telly.
And Anthony Sher's the same.
So I take it you're going to a fancy dress party?
Yes, David's uncle does them. He has parties all year round.
Remember that Easter one and we had to go as eggs?
Yeah. It was shit.
What's the matter with that lady?
Oh, that's my wife.
We've had rather a long journey I'm afraid.
She gets quite car sick.
The best thing for her is to sleep through it.
-She looks pale.
-Well, she's just taken two Valium.
Mum, pass me your mirror.
-I don't think she's breathing.
-I want to check.
-Look, David, the nice man's offered us a lift. Don't be calling his wife dead.
I just want to see.
-Please, I don't want her waking up.
-I won't wake her.
-She needs to rest.
-I'll just take her pulse.
DON'T TOUCH HER!
Police reports today confirmed the discovery of a fourth body on wasteland in North London.
-Not another one.
-The victim was badly mutilated and the attack bears all the
hallmarks of three other murders that the newspapers are dubbing the work of the Stanmore Slasher.
Police are asking...
-If he does one more he'll end up on your wall, won't he?
-Oh, David's hobby.
He collects serial killers.
Don't collect them.
-He's actually worked out who Jack the Ripper is, but won't tell me, will you?
Most of them are rather pathetic individuals, aren't they?
From what I've read they're usually your average Joe Bloggs, just like you and I.
There's always signs.
You've just got to know where to look.
But don't they always get careless, give themselves away?
I mean, for example, if I were going to dispose of a body
I wouldn't flush it down the toilet with a portion of Kentucky Fried Chicken to disguise the smell.
Dennis Nilsen, 15 victims, 1982.
Is that what he used, Kentucky?
-David mixes in a couple drops of my perfume if he's done a really stinky one, don't you, David?
Tweed by Lentheric.
Makes it worse. Really sweet.
So, who's expecting you at this party then?
-Is it just family?
-I don't know half of them myself.
Just various uncles. There's a whole load coming in from Penzance dressed as The Addams Family,
though I'm not sure I'll be able to tell the difference.
-Are you all right, David? You look a bit green?
Can we stop the car?
-I want to use that phone box.
-Do you need a wee?
-Tell Uncle Peter we're going to be late.
-No! I can't stop just yet.
-Stop the car! Now!
Come on, Mum. You too.
I'm not getting out. I'm settled here.
The man drives away with Mum still in the back of the car,
so I go and phone the police.
Hello, 999 Letsby Avenue?
Yeah, I think my mum's been taken
by the Stanmore Slasher.
Here, drink this.
It'll calm your nerves.
No, I just want to go back and get David.
He doesn't like being on his own.
He has to leave the door open when he's doing his number twos.
Can we not go back for him?
I'm afraid not. Look. You must understand.
I was only thinking about my wife.
Where is your wife? Is she still asleep?
MOBILE PHONE RINGS
Hello? Oh, hi, Mum.
Oh, we just got back,
I don't know, I was out cold.
Yes, it was fine.
I went as a bride of Dracula
and Adrian went as Dennis Nilson,
you know, the strangler.
He gave me the creeps.
Yes. Police, please.
So my David is the Stanmore Slasher, you think? Well, I never.
Just goes to show,
you never really know who you've got under your roof, do you?
You really should have let me go.
It's a full moon tonight. She'll change again.
You've got to stop her. Please. She'll change again.
All right, David. That's enough.
Your mother's not a monster.
You are. Come along.
..this is interesting.
Look in here.
What do you see?
That's because this one, young man, this one, is for you.
I'll find you! I'll find you!
You can't leave now, you'll never leave.
I want some closure on this. I thought being involved in your programme might be able to help me.
We need to get some celebrities wandering round here. I'm sure the Dingles would do it.
And I'd love to get Frank Bruno. He'd tick a lot of boxes.
Anyway, I've taken up enough of your time already. Thank you.
Do you need me to show you out?
No, no, I'm going to go and get some shots round the front.
I've not even been round there yet.
OK. I'm going to grab my bag.
I don't want anyone knowing we were here.
Except the ghosts!
OK. So I'm just going to walk round the front of the building now.
What is that?
Is there a spirit in this room?
If there is a spirit,
good or evil,
commune with me.
Give me a sign.
What are you doing snooping round in my office?
Well, it's a simple question.
Who sent you?
Are you the spirit of Edwina Kenchington?
Well, I was.
Not any more.
Do you remember me?
I met you.
-When I was a boy.
-Well, you can't be a former patient.
You can form sentences.
It was Halloween night.
I stole your locket.
Oh! I remember.
Why was it so important to you?
-Why have you come back?
-Unfinished business. Who sent you?
Andrews, or Stroheim?
-My money's on Andrews.
-I don't know those people.
-Where is my locket?
-I don't know.
Don't lie to me, boy! You took it before and you're back here again.
-Who do you work for?
What are you doing here?
I came looking for you.
I just wanted to see a ghost.
Well, that can be arranged.
'I received an anonymous letter,
'explaining that my mother had been murdered
'and a list of those responsible.
'I took it to be a confession from someone who could no longer bear the guilt.
'He was always the weakest link. Goodbye.
It wasn't David.
-It was me.
You won't believe what I've just seen... Oh, my God, what happened?
Kenchington. She shot me.
She's not dead.
What? Come on, we'll get help.
-And this is all of it?
-How many dead?
-Four dead, including those two. And two more critical.
What a mess.
Please tell me we found it?
No, Ma'am. No sign.
-Well, we can't proceed without it.
-I know, Ma'am.
So deal with it, Kelvin. We can't have any loose ends.
-Sorry, Ma'am, I just need to get the file back.
Um. Can I get the file back, please?
I'm burning it!
That is our only copy, Ma'am. We do definitely need it.
Oh, for fuck's...
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